#Habits and Discipline

[brokenbutbecoming]

Three Books That Changed Me

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[angerieque]

Upgrade your habits.

[allaboutthemoonlight]

How to Build Self Discipline

Cultivating self-discipline is the way towards personal growth and achieving long-term goals. To me, it’s really all about making choices that honor your well-being and identity.

Understand that self-discipline is about self love and respect

It’s not about punishment or deprivation, but rather caring for yourself enough to make choices that align with your long-term well-being and goals.

You’re showing yourself the respect you deserve by honoring and committing to changes you want to make.

It’s all about recognizing your worth and having the motivation and courage to pursue what’s really best for you, even when it requires a lot of effort and decision-making.

Frame your identity in a way that includes discipline

How we act directly ties to our identities and how we believe we are. If you believe you’re a successful individual, you’ll live a life framed by confidence and determination. If you believe you’re someone who is lazy and unmotivated, you’ll struggle to find the drive to pursue your goals and aspirations.

Gaining discipline is all about acting as the person you believe you are and moving through life in a way that’s consistent with your determined identity. The key here is to try to imagine who you are at your highest self in a disciplined state of mind.

To start this, ask yourself these questions and slowly arrange your life in a way so there’s no distance between who you are now and your highest self:

What does your day look like

What do you eat

What do you wear

What does your week look like

What does your work day look like

What hobbies do you have

What’s your morning and night routine

Who are you surrounded by

What do you say yes and no to

Have systems in your life

I recently wrote a post about habits and mentioned the idea of systems versus goals. Here, I want to delve a bit deeper into that concept within the context of self-discipline.

To me, another way to truly live a disciplined life is to establish starting systems, something that will propel you past hurdles and reduce the friction that accompanies change.

Let’s say you want to improve your eating habits and cultivate discipline in consuming less sugar while incorporating more whole foods into your diet. You could begin by implementing a system of prepping healthy snacks or meals in advance at the start of each week, or however you see fit. By having these snacks readily available, you eliminate the need for decision-making, making it easier to adhere to your goal.

Anything that serves as a reminder or facilitates consistent action toward your desired outcome is a valuable system in your life.

Be okay with not doing something and embrace the mindset of small wins

This may seem paradoxical in the context of developing self-discipline, but being okay with not doing something is crucial. There are times in life when we need tough love and motivation, but there are also moments when compassion is the driving force that propels us forward.

When you don’t follow through with something, whether it’s going for a run or preparing a healthy dinner, it’s important to be okay with it. You don’t need to shame yourself or feel guilty for not taking action because that will only reinforce negative thought patterns, making it harder to create the change you desire.

Consider this: if you miss a planned run and spiral into self-criticism, you’re more likely to avoid running altogether. However, if you approach the situation with understanding and compassion, you’ll be more inclined to try again next time.

This is where small daily victories come into play. Sometimes, all we need is one small step forward to develop a new habit and maintain consistency. Whatever you're striving to improve or change, if it feels daunting, tell yourself, "Just for today, I'll do a 15-minute workout instead of the full hour," or "Just for today, I'll read 5 pages instead of the entire chapter," and celebrate these as small victories. Doing so not only helps you establish new habits but also allows you to acknowledge the progress you've made and the trust you've built within yourself.

—Luna

[felineandhustle]

[ariaxco]

habits that make you unbreakable (mentally & emotionally)⋆.ೃ࿔*:･ 🩰

no one's coming to save you. no one's going to hand you the dream life. no one's responsible for building your confidence but you.

the girls who seem unbothered, untouchable, glowing from the inside out? they weren’t born like that. they built it. habit by habit. choice by choice. day by day.

you can too. here’s how.

habit 1: doing hard things without overthinking

comfort is the enemy. every time you hesitate, you lose a little confidence. train yourself to act before your brain talks you out of it. send the text. post the video. apply for the thing you’re scared of. the more you act without begging fear for permission, the stronger you get.

habit 2: showing up when motivation dies

motivation is fake. you need discipline. the girls who glow differently show up on the days they don’t feel like it — and that’s what sets them apart. tired? you move. bored? you move. scared? you move anyway.

habit 3: keeping promises to yourself

confidence is self-trust. every time you say you’ll do something and you actually follow through? you’re telling yourself: “i can count on me.” it’s not about the big wins — it’s the tiny habits stacking up quietly until one day, you're untouchable.

habit 4: not explaining your standards

“no” is a full sentence. you don’t owe anyone a five-minute speech about why you’re protecting your peace. high standards scare people who benefit from you having none — let them be scared.

habit 5: falling in love with being underestimated

let them think you’re too quiet, too soft, too much, too extra. stay lowkey and over-deliver. move in silence, then let them choke on their own surprise when you become everything they said you couldn’t be.

you don’t become unbreakable overnight. but if you show up for yourself daily, even on the days no one’s watching — you’ll wake up one day and realize you don’t break anymore.

[csuitebitches]

Brainwash yourself with good habits. You need to do it the way you would train a dog - fetch the stick and get a treat.

I love listening to music but I also wanted to start listening to podcasts. I have to go to work everyday, and I prefer to drive myself to work and back.

I know that if I make myself listen to podcasts both drives, the habit will last not more than 3 days.

But if I make myself listen to a podcast on the way to work; and listen to my favourite music on the way back home to de-stress and relax; now that’s a healthy compromise. And it works for the long term.

The same goes with social media. I deleted all social media from my phone. I don’t have Facebook, Instagram, or even tumblr on my phone. The YouTube account that I keep on my phone has been very consciously kept; I only allow the algorithm to show me educational stuff like podcasts, history videos, news, psychology, stuff like that. Absolutely no entertainment. I keep all my social media (and my “fun” YouTube account which is basically Korean mukbangs and all sorts of useless beauty hauls that I honestly love to watch) on another device - my iPad, which I use for work. I check out what’s happening on tumblr or YouTube or Pinterest when it’s my lunch break or a coffee break. That’s another healthy compromise that works for me.

Going cold turkey with anything - stopping something addictive like smoking or drinking or suddenly starting a plethora of new habits- doesn’t work. You’ve restricted your mind and body so much that you keep remember the good old days where you drank like a whale and sat on the couch watching rubbish and you glamorise, romanticise and reminisce those times. Now you’re in that dangerous red zone where you know that if you see that bottle or the packet of chips, your body is going to reach for it before your mind can intervene.

Aim for long-term, sustainable albeit small habits, rather than complex overnight habits.

[lunarw0rks]

simon the type to keep a spray bottle within his reach, for you;

you slouch? one spray to the nape of your neck

you bite/chew your nails, god forbid? two aggressive spritzes to your face

[rythms-of-synthax]

This is for you ladies who are in high school or college or whatever job that requires performance and learning. Repeat after me: in order to reach my goals I have to be able to function. Well done. Do it again. I am not going to elaborate. But I feel the need to post this cause there are so many girls who dream big but don't eat well/enough, sleep, move their bodies and take care of their mental health. Each day that you sacrifice yourself for the sake of your own expectations will come back to you. And no matter which height you reach...you'll get so low that you'll need years to build everything again.

[petite-anni]

🌸🌿skinny lifestyle - balanced mind🌿🌸

~Being skinny is a lifestyle, not a challenge. It won’t come naturally and working hard is essential, so here are daily habits to build and to stay disciplined~

Your motivation WILL fade at some point. That’s when discipline and habits come in and you keep you in line.

1. 10k steps a day

It’s such a peaceful and efficient habit to start your day.

It helps you to stay lean, tone your body and burn some calories. Walking is low-stress, aids digestion and reduces bloating.

I love getting my steps in first thing in the morning. If that’s not possible just break it into chunks - morning, lunch break, evening walks or just whenever fits you����

2. portion control > restriction

Labeling food as good and bad is so exhausting. The more you restrict yourself the more you tend to break your set up rules and binge.

Eat what you enjoy, just not excessively. Stay within your calories. Plan your meals.

You can use smaller plates, chew slowly, drink inbetween/before/after and avoid mindless eating in front of screens.

3. Gut Health Basic

I will die on this hill. Your gut health affects everything. Your whole body. Digestion, skin, energy and mood.

Healing your gut is essential and can you help drop weight.

Include probiotic foods: yogurt, kefir, kimchi, sauerkraut

Add prebiotics: oats, bananas, garlic, onions

Stay hydrated and reduce ultra-processed food, track what causes bloating or discomfort - everyone’s gut is different.

4. extra secret - blood sugar

Keeping my blood sugar level balanced helped me loose the last few pounds.

Eating high-sugar or fast-digesting carbs spikes your blood glucose and your insulin rushes in. Your blood sugar crashes and you will be hit with cravings, fatigue and irritability.

Stable blood sugar = fewer cravings, more energy.

When you eat balanced meals and and glucose enters your bloodstream slowly, your insulin stays in check.

= you stay full longer, crave less and burn fat more efficiently

Eating in the right order can help achieve that (first fiber, then protein/fat, then carbs)

~~Also, my recommendation would be Berberine !!

It’s a supplement working as a natural insulin-sensitizer and helps with glucose control. You’ll feel more energetic and can loose weight easily by burning fat more efficiently

~ You don’t need to cut carbs — you need to control how your body processes them.

It’s not “eat less” — it’s eat smarter ~

💗💗💗💗

[mrkmciver]

#Discipline

[angerieque]

How to: Become a better version of yourself.

Hi angels! Today, we'll be covering the topic of becoming that vision of ourselves, the best ever. Let's dive right in!

Follow accounts that inspire: Especially people who seem so into what they're doing, not just being "influencers". When scrolling, don't follow a person just because you liked one video of them. Instead, go to their account, check their posts and if they're relatable to any of your goals, follow them! Be mindful.

Vision Boards!: Personally, I make one for each month. They mainly consist of academic, health goals, and quotes (for me). I love to check them whenever I'm feeling unmotivated and after each month, I check them once again to see what I achieved and what I could have done better.

Write down your goals: Will you forget about it? Well, maybe. Is it worth it though? Definitely. You'll have your own guide to refer to once you remember it exists. Categorize your goals, make them seasonal, whatever you feel is best for you.

Affirmations: Each morning, I tell myself that I'm beautiful, smart and worth a million. You have to believe it. We always tell others these words that we forget we need to hear them, too.

Baby steps: Workout at home if you can't afford a gym membership until you can, for example. Find an alternative for anything you want to do but can't afford/isn't available. Don't just give up because you don't have money, that's an excuse.

Have a well-structured routine: Build your own routine and write it down. Think of what you're doing wrong and work on it by replacing it with another healthy habit.

Think of who you'll be if you start now: Visualize your life once you're "that" person you've been dreaming of. How will that feel? How will you look, talk, and walk like? And what kind of life do you prefer?

Love yourself enough: The amount of self-respect you've got to have in order to do all this for yourself is insane. You have to believe that you deserve a better life, a healthy and functioning body, a nice degree. Think of how people will perceive you, but most importantly think of how YOU will perceive yourself.

Alright that's it for now babes! Hope you have a good night or morning. Much love, angel.

[allaboutthemoonlight]

How to Master Motivation

Hi friends,

Today I want to talk about motivation and finding ways to maintain it in our daily lives. Motivation is a crucial factor that drives us to achieve our goals, overcome challenges, and stay committed to our development.

Understand the locus of control

Our locus of control, internal or external, is the degree to which we believe we have control over what happens to us in our lives. It influences how we respond to circumstances that impact us and how motivated we feel to take action.

An external locus of control is when we believe that our life and the outcomes we experience are a result of external forces beyond our power. We think everything that happens to us occurs because of chance or luck—two things we can’t control.

The key to staying motivated is to develop an internal locus of control. This is when we believe that we’re responsible for the things happening to us and understand that we have control over the outcome. It’s a level of self-determination where we realize our efforts, decisions, and habits create the life we live.

So, how do we adopt an internal locus of control?

The first point I want to emphasize is that, regardless of your perception of how much control you have over your life, the amount of work you put into something is always within your control. The first step is to abandon the mindset that everything is left up to chance and, because of this, you should stop trying. You need to understand that you always have some level of power over your circumstances, even if you’ve been told otherwise:

Be more aware of the choices you make and realize there is always a choice to be made.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help or guidance from those around you.

Spend time self-reflecting and trying to understand yourself better. Reflect on previous instances where you’ve felt a lack of control and write down what could have been done instead.

Don’t be afraid to fail; it’s an opportunity to learn.

Know the different types of motivation

Next, I want to talk about the different types of motivation and how they impact you.

There are 4 different types of motivation, each with their own distinctions:

Intrinsic motivation: This is where you do something because it aligns with your values or just because it’s fun. Although it’s good to have intrinsic motivation, this type is fragile and can be undermined when we start feeling like we’re losing autonomy over our choices.

Extrinsic motivation: This is what most people think of when they imagine motivation. It’s when our motivation comes from outside of us—we’re doing something for a reward or to avoid a punishment. It’s the opposite type of motivation that you should seek if you want to be self-driven.

Introjected: This type of motivation can create resentment or tension. We do something because if we don’t, we’ll feel shameful or guilty. For example, you might go to the gym not because you enjoy it or care about the health benefits, but because you feel guilty if you don’t work out.

Identified: The reason you’re doing something is because it aligns with your idealized self. It’s something that you’ve internalized to be important and allows you to behave in accordance with your self-concept and identity. This is the most important type because it creates habitual behaviors are no longer choices. We understand our identity and that certain habits and behaviors need to be done so that we’re constantly aligned with our higher selves. For example, you might regularly volunteer at a local shelter or organization because you’re someone who values compassion and community service.

So, how can we implement identified motivation more into our lives?

Really try and understand the reasoning behind a goal you want to achieve. Ask yourself “why do you actually want this thing?”. This is also a good time to review your values and whether or not your goal aligns with them.

Constantly remind yourself about why the outcome matters to you because we often forget the reason that we started in the first place. —ex.

Like James Clear said, make your goal, system, habit, or whatever you’re wanting to accomplish more motivating or fun. Beyond that, start associating the reward with the challenge itself. If you’re training for a marathon, instead of seeing the finish line as the only reward, find or fulfillment in the training process and the discipline you developed along the way.

Adopt a positive mindset. Rather than complaining about having to workout in the morning or studying for an exam, start saying “I get to study for this exam and further my education” or “I’m blessed to have a body that works for me and allows me to exercise”. It’s all about perspective and embracing gratitude. If you put half the energy that you use from complaining into figuring out how to take the next step, you’ll accomplish a lot more.

Don’t neglect your emotional and mental health

Slumps are very real, and mental health can impact every aspect of motivation. Self-improvement and changing your life aren’t easy journeys by any means, and there will be times when stress and feelings of being overwhelmed can paralyze you. In these moments, it’s critical to take a break, a breather, or anything that can help reset your mental health. Remember to engage in activities that support your emotional needs. Not every second of the day needs to be spent doing something productive or working toward your goals. It’s okay to take breaks and have rest days; in fact, I think it’s crucial.

Reward yourself often, even for the smallest achievements. It’s not about what you completed, but the fact that you completed something at all. Spend time acknowledging your accomplishments.

Take it one step at a time and remember no action is too small. Starting small is what helps us build consistency in the long run.

Embrace positive self-talk. Avoid talking yourself into a negative spiral, as it will only make you lose motivation and put you in a slump.

Get an accountability partner. Having someone in your corner who will cheer for you and keep you accountable is a game changer.

Stay motivated, stay grateful, stay resilient.

Love,

Luna<3

[mr-entj]

No matter how strong our willpower, we’re guaranteed to fall back into our old ways once in a while. But if we plan for those relapses—if we take steps to make sure those slips don’t become a habit—it’s easier to get back on track. […] Studies suggest that this process of experimentation—and failure—is critical in long-term habit change. Smokers often quit and then start smoking again as many as seven times before giving up cigarettes for good. It’s tempting to see those relapses as failures, but what’s really occurring are experiments.

Charles Duhigg, The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business

[ariaxco]

5 glow-up habits that actually work (no gym, no diet) ⋆.ೃ࿔*:･ 🕊️

hi, i’m aria. i used to think a glow-up was about diets and gym memberships, but the real glow-up starts long before anyone else can see it. 🌷

these habits didn’t just change my appearance — they changed how i felt about myself. and that’s when everything else shifted, too.

habit one: fix your posture.

i used to think good posture was about standing tall and looking confident. but it’s more than that — it’s an act of self-respect. when you carry yourself like you’re important, the world starts to treat you like you are.

. sit up straighter when you're on your phone (yes, even scrolling late at night) . relax your shoulders instead of tensing them . walk into every room like you have a reason to be there — because you do

posture is silent, but it speaks volumes. 🩰

habit two: upgrade your mornings.

chaotic mornings used to leave me feeling behind before my day even started. i realized the way you begin your morning is the way you begin your life — rushed or intentional.

wake up 15 minutes earlier — not for productivity, but for peace

drink a full glass of water before anything else touches your lips

create a getting-ready playlist that feels like soft energy wrapping around you

small rituals matter. a soft start tells the universe you’re ready to receive good things. 🌸

habit three: romanticize your routines.

i used to think routines were boring, but turning them into rituals changed everything. they became love letters to myself.

oil your hair slowly, like you’re painting a masterpiece

moisturize your body with patience, not hurry

wear the pretty outfit, even if it’s just for a trip to the grocery store

beauty isn’t something you chase. it’s something you cultivate in the way you care for yourself, without needing an audience. 🕯️

habit four: move your body with love.

there was a time when movement was punishment — working out to change myself, not celebrate myself. now, movement is about connection.

stretch your body after you wake up, even if it’s just five minutes

take long, aimless walks with no destination, just presence

dance in your room at night with no choreography, no mirrors, just feeling

you don’t have to run marathons to reconnect with your body. moving with love is enough. 🎀

habit five: speak to yourself like you matter.

what you whisper to yourself daily becomes the story you live in. i stopped bullying myself in my own head and started offering the same softness i give to my friends.

replace “i’m not good enough” with “i’m learning, and that’s enough”

replace “i hate my body” with “thank you for carrying me through everything”

replace “i’m falling behind” with “i’m exactly where i need to be”

words are spells. speak like you’re casting a life you’re excited to live. 🌷

the real glow-up isn’t loud. it’s quiet, steady, and sacred. it’s not about impressing others — it’s about returning home to yourself. you don’t need permission to start. 🕊️

[femmefatalevibe]

How to be more disciplined?

HOW TO CULTIVATE SELF-DISCIPLINE:

Know Your Why: Always Keep The End In Mind 

Keep Small Promises To Yourself. Make Them Non-Negotiable. 

Create And Consistently Log Your Progress 

Take Temptations Out Of Sight 

Find Indulgences To Help You Focus On Your Goals 

Know Your Why: Always Keep The End In Mind 

Decisiveness drives discipline. You need to clarify and define your goals. State them clearly with their authentic purpose in mind. If you seduce this end goal into your life, what desire are you truly fulfilling? Ex. If you want to lose 10 pounds: Is it to feel healthier? Look better in a bikini? Fit into a certain pair of jeans? No matter how superficial, identify the genuine reason why you want to achieve a certain goal. Whatever reason elicits a visceral and emotional reaction. Sometimes, especially during a busy work day, your reason could be as simple as wanting to lessen your anxiety and ease into a more relaxed state. Any purpose that resonates. Once you have an emotional response tied to a goal, it becomes infinitely easier to motivate yourself to take small steps towards achieving it. Where energy goes, energy flow. Simon Sinek goes more in-depth with this concept in Start With Why.

Keep Small Promises To Yourself. Make Them Non-Negotiable.

Think of performing self-discipline rituals as confidence-building exercises. This action helps you trust yourself, establishes a sense of integrity, and builds self-confidence. For example, if you stick to your meal and workout plan for 5 days a week, you build trust in knowing you're more powerful than your cravings and are capable of taking good care of your body. If you complete a project on schedule (personal or professional), you prove to yourself that you’re efficient, build confidence in your ability to finish tasks you start, and self-affirm that you follow through on your ideas. Finishing that book this month reflects confirms that you value yourself enough to expand your mind, learn, and expand your knowledge base. Eventually, through enough consistent repetition, these rituals into unconscious habits that you do effortlessly in daily life. 

Create And Consistently Log Your Progress 

You can’t manage what you don’t measure – your finances, calorie and step counts, workouts, productivity, etc. Tracking data related to your habits – such as your spending habits, eating or workout patterns, writing word count, and task completion – on a given day or week – allows you to understand and analyze your current behavior. What habit cues, environmental or other situational factors are keeping you from sticking to the current task at hand? Do you leave your running shoes stuffed in the back of the closet? Junk food in the house? Work from bed or with your phone by your side? Are you avoiding certain emotions? Does this data change when you’re stressed or tired?  

Awareness is the first step towards redirected action. Analyze these data points to see your pitfalls and strategize how to help yourself. 

Take Temptations Out Of Sight

Set yourself up to win. Get the phone away from your workspace, remove any junk food or soda from the house, delete apps, or silence notifications from people who distract you from your goals. Self-discipline becomes significantly easier when you have to take additional steps to indulge in your vices. Replace these temptations with helpful cues to help you build healthier habits that lead to self-discipline. Give yourself visual cues to move you toward your goals. Keep a journal with a pen next to your bed. Leave your workout clothes and shoes out near your bed. Write a quick to-do list right before finishing work for the following day, so it’s easier to jump into the first task right away the next morning. Cut up some produce or do a 30-60 minute meal prep once a week to eat more healthful meals. Find ways to make it easier to stay on track than give in to temptation. 

Find Indulgences To Help You Focus On Your Goals 

Self-discipline shouldn’t feel like deprivation – of certain foods, pastimes, or activities you enjoy. Buy cute workout clothes you feel confident in. Create the most dance-worthy playlist. Make it a priority to buy your favorite fruits and vegetables every week. Rotate a selection of your favorite healthy meals. Leave your sunscreen out – front and center – on your bathroom counter. Find a big, beautiful water bottle to keep on your desk. Purchase aesthetic notebooks, pens, planners, journals, and other office organization items. To make self-discipline feel like second nature, you need to marry indulgences and your desire to meet your goals. Discover the habits that work for you and find small ways to make these tasks more enjoyable. 

Go easy on yourself. Build one habit at a time. Self-discipline is like a muscle. It requires time to build and grows in increments. Try to stay on track and more focused than yesterday. Your only competition is your former self. Find pleasure in the process. Focus on the immediate task in front of you while also keeping your future self in mind. 

[anghraine]

I was thinking again about the divide between the tactical seduction Kirk romances and the genuinely romantic unforced ones, and something that's been percolating through my head for awhile is the question of power.

So, the tactical Kirkmances are all responses, at some level, to power being taken from him or someone else or both, and are part of attempts to gather information, escape, and/or protect other people, whatever. But "no" is not realistically an option, whether because he's trapped or imprisoned or desperately needs some information or is under duress in some other form (sometimes the woman in question is also under duress, like Shahna or Drusilla, though most often not).

Because of that, and because of multiple cases where it's made explicit that he doesn't feel any interest in the woman in question and is willing to just lie/deceive to succeed and smooth things over afterwards, we often have no way to know what he really feels in these varyingly coercive circumstances. In most cases, whether he's actually into the woman or not is so irrelevant to him as far as his outwards behavior goes that we have a much clearer idea of the desperation of the situation, his primary agenda, and what other people would be most comfortable with him feeling than what he himself does.

So, for instance, Deela in "Wink of an Eye" enjoys seeing him struggle against her, whether it's through seduction, trickery, physically pushing her away etc, but also wants him to be actually attracted to her and ultimately willing to live out his entire life in the next few months as her, uh, sex toy/breeding stock before dying. Kirk's feelings about all this end up being messy and complicated in a believable way, but essentially culminate in "anyway fuck off forever and die."

There are multiple scenes in "The Conscience of the King" in which we see McCoy desperately wanting to believe that Kirk isn't just using Lenore Karidian, but actually likes her and has real romantic interest in her. McCoy prefers to filter his understanding of Kirk's behavior in the episode through that lens, rather than contending with the horror and injustice that drives Kirk's actions. Spock, whose judgment is continually validated throughout the episode, had already considered the idea of Lenore being a motive and found it unlikely in this case; he guesses that Kirk's real focus is on Anton Karidian and he's just using Lenore to get at him, an assumption that leads to Spock's discovery of the Tarsus IV genocide and murders of the eyewitnesses. In the final scene, McCoy returns to his insistence that Kirk must have had genuine feelings for Lenore; Kirk ignores him and McCoy takes this as proof that he's right, while Spock stands quietly by.

Even in much worse episodes, it's like ... Shahna in "The Gamesters of Triskelion" wants Kirk's sudden flirtation with her to be real, and is too sheltered and vacuous (/sigh) to connect it to his screaming panic over Uhura that immediately preceded it, or the fact that Shahna is his prison guard. Shahna is made so utterly clueless that she can't be held responsible, while Kirk transparently uses her for information to deal with the oppressive overlords of the episode that have placed Chekov, Uhura, and Kirk in thralldom. In the end, Shahna just blandly accepts his refusal to take her with him, and his hope that someday she'll understand why he had to do what he did.

But in these story lines, whether it seems like he's actually into the woman at some level, or very much not, or (as is overwhelmingly most common) it's ambiguous, Kirk takes the initiative to pursue or flirt with someone because of some loss of power. He's not exactly aggressive in the usual masculine sense (the narrative framing is more dramatically-lit morally-ambiguous noir lady), but he is highly proactive and assertive in these cases, and essentially sets out to initiate and control a romance for a distinctly unromantic agenda of his own.

There is a kind of stage management quality to it, and the cases where he seems most visibly troubled or angry about the whole thing tend to be the ones where he's least able to steer the "relationship" or where someone who puts him in some awful situation to begin with acts like they're the injured party (obvious examples: Deela, Helen Noel, Lenore, Sylvia). But he seems to have a definite preference in these "romances" for asserting some kind of power: being the flirty one, the one doing the pursuing, the one who understands what's happening more clearly, the one ultimately in control of how this is going to go, and the terms on which it will end.

But this is conspicuously different when it's an actual romance that isn't forced by the circumstances. Apart from his demeanor being radically different, something that's struck me about the genuine, unforced Kirk romances is how much this insistent assertion of power, authority, and/or control vanishes when there's no threat.

The first person we know he fell in love with was his girlfriend as a teenager, Ruth. He hasn't seen her since he was 18, when he was a somber first-year cadet at the Academy. Even accounting for 60s casting, his memory of Ruth is pretty evidently that of someone who was older than him, more sophisticated and assured, and further along professionally, in no way under any authority from him. Even his interactions with a replica of her lack that stage management quality of the tactical Kirkmances, and his instinct on seeing her is to just go along with this bizarre situation.

The timeline isn't exactly clear, but some time later, he had a disastrous year-long relationship with Janice Lester. And it is clear that something fundamental to that relationship falling apart was the fact that he had avenues of authority open to him that Janice didn't. Kirk actually agrees with Janice that the glass ceiling is wrong and unfair, he just thinks that Janice taking her frustrations out on him as her partner, and tormenting him while indulging her internalized misogyny, was intolerable. One of Janice's many grievances is that they could have stayed together as his career progressed, and she could have gone to space with him, presumably as a member of his crew, while he was and remains very much "absolutely the fuck not" about that possibility. That decision is reinforced by his very consistent, non-negotiable red line around relationships with any crew members, but seems pretty clearly even more objectionable to him than usual in this case.

Even within "Turnabout Intruder," it seems that Kirk doesn't like having to bring power to bear on Janice, although she has thoroughly violated his agency at that point and it has become very necessary. She's the only ex he's known to have unilaterally broken up with, and he would have preferred to part ways cordially, but that was never going to happen; Janice is strongly implied to be an abuser-turned-stalker who resents him getting away, and filters every violation she commits against him through her sense of eternally persecuted (white) feminine fragility.

She insists a man like Kirk could never be physically assaulted and overpowered by a weak and feeble woman like herself, despite knowing perfectly well it's exactly what happened. She isolates him through medical abuse as well as lying about why he left her to his friends and co-workers. She relentlessly targets anyone who tries to help him—the one mainly punished for Kirk's escape attempt is Spock, after all, not Kirk himself ("Turnabout Intruder" is misogynistic in many ways, but a lot of the discussion of that seems to ignore that it's also pretty obviously dealing with an abuse/stalking situation that, apart from the sci-fi conceits, includes some extremely common traits of female domestic abusers IRL).

Janet Wallace, who parted ways with Kirk some six and a half years before S2, is a very successful scientist, and was already building a career in her field when they were together. Both of them are authority figures in their own careers, but their professional paths had so little to do with each other that it was essentially the reason they broke up. Their lives were too separate, despite what seems to have been a pretty mutually rewarding relationship when both were ambitious 20-somethings, and they mutually agreed to separate rather than one of them dictating terms to the other. Jan does seem to have some kind of kink for older male authorities, though; in "The Deadly Years," her sudden uptick of interest in 34-year-old Kirk as he starts prematurely aging is directly associated with her marriage to a very much older authority in her own field, and Kirk is viscerally uncomfortable with it.

His later girlfriend, Areel Shaw, is a healthier figure, though their relationship and break-up seem roughly similar. Both are highly successful career professionals, they're still very fond of each other and obviously still attracted to each other, and there's no indication of any attempts on either side to assert power or control over the relationship in the past or present. Areel makes a joke about him outranking her, but they're in completely different parts of Starfleet, and throughout the episode, he's obviously much more professionally vulnerable to her than the other way around. She's the one to suggest their goodbye kiss by the turbolift, and she takes the initiative to blow another kiss at him as she leaves, leaving him cheerfully poleaxed for a moment before he returns to his job.

The only other ex we know about it in TOS, as I recall, is the unnamed lab technician mentioned in the pilot, whom Kirk seems to have been oblivious to until Gary Mitchell helped her out. Kirk was an instructor at the Academy at the time (implicitly teaching philosophy to cadets for several years), likely in his mid-twenties from contextual information, and she was the one who pursued him. Kirk did have a serious relationship with her, but he didn't know about Mitchell helping her with the "campaign" to catch his attention in the first place, even though he and the lab technician nearly ended up getting married.

In terms of the unforced romances we actually see in the timeline of the show, there are only a few. The earliest is the sort of mutual courtly pining between him and Janice Rand. In "The Naked Time," Kirk's fantasy of a romance with (the superior) Janice is a fantasy scenario where they're on a beach away from any kind of professional context, and specifically, where he has no captain's insignia. We find out in "Miri" (though it was already obvious) that Janice fully reciprocates his interest and wanted to attract him, though she's very professional and competent in general. It's very obviously doomed as a romance. They might hang on to each other in a crisis, but will never do more or cross that line, though it's allowed by regulation—it's doomed wholly because Kirk's position as captain gets in the way for Kirk. Kirk even vents to Bones about being frustrated at Janice's assignment to him as his personal yeoman because he specifically doesn't want pretty women filling that kind of role around him.

It obviously bothers him especially when the yeoman is Janice because he's infatuated with her, but we also see that discomfort in the notorious backrub scene, when Janice's equally photogenic successor as yeoman dutifully starts trying to help with the strain in his back. Kirk thinks it's Spock massaging his back and that's fine (more than fine lmao), but when Spock makes a point of stepping forwards and Kirk realizes the person touching him must be his pretty yeoman, he's intensely uncomfortable and immediately orders her to stop as he gives Spock a long-suffering look.

In Kirk's grand m/f romance, the one with Edith Keeler, she's very much a socially established figure with a secure, stable position, the one who provides Kirk with a job and a roof over his and Spock's heads. She evidently thinks they're eccentric homeless guys when she finds them and takes them under her wing, and later suspects they're WWI vets, but it is very clear that the security of their situation remains entirely dependent on Edith's good will towards Kirk.

Of course, there are ways in which he knows more than Edith and has an advantage in that respect, but Edith is absolutely calling the shots in general. This is the context in which their romantic walks and hand-holding and dates and stolen kisses in the stairwell etc are happening. One of their big romantic scenes occurs because she finds out about Spock stealing materials and Kirk has to sweet-talk her, and she's like ... well, I guess I could overlook it... if you took me on a date. ;) And he's delighted to be pursued by his landlady that way, let's be real.

Edith running the show at least as much as Kirk is, I think, forms part of the idyllic quality of this romance for him. He's not there when Edith casually refers to him as "my young man," but I suspect he would very much like it, yet he's extremely unlikely to think of her as his girl/young lady/whatever. But overall, it just seems very, very clear that this whole dynamic is vastly more to his tastes than one where he's primarily in control and managing things and making all the major decisions.

That's reinforced over a season later, when we find the increasingly strained, tired Kirk of S3 wistfully longing for some arena of his life in which he's not making all the decisions all the goddamn time. Then he gets amnesia, remembering almost nothing about his previous life except that he had never felt happy or at peace, and he's pretty much informed that he's going to marry a hot priestess. Without the baggage of his actual life/memories/responsibilities, he is entirely content to go along with this and seems happy with her.

I mean, "The Paradise Syndrome" is a bad episode, especially the A-plot, but that aspect of it absolutely does track with the rest of what we see of him.

In the superior S3 episode "The Mark of Gideon," the more ephemeral romance with Odona occurs in a context where he thinks they are completely isolated from all other people and institutions, and neither of them has any particular power over the other. In reality, Odona knows a lot more than he does about what's going on, including that they aren't remotely alone. She's there to steal a blood sample from him and, ideally, to make the idea of remaining on Gideon as a disease blood bag more appealing.

After Kirk and Odona are back on the real Enterprise and she's saved, and both are able to exert the autonomy to decide their futures (Odona set on returning to Gideon, which Kirk doesn't want her to do, and Kirk on returning to commanding the Enterprise and its mission, which Odona doesn't want him to do), he has no particular power over Odona specifically but is very much back in authority. They're still flirty, but it's clearly dialed down to a more courtly, going-nowhere level:

ODONA: How can you bear to look at me after the way I deceived you? KIRK: At least, you owe me the privilege of letting me look at you. ODONA: You are a gentleman, Captain Kirk. KIRK, visibly pleased: Thank you, ma'am.

His last romantic plot is with Rayna in "Requiem for Methuselah," a decidedly mid episode until the absolutely buckwild final scene. It's also probably the weirdest of the romances that aren't obviously tactical. Kirk does meet her in his professional capacity, but it's actually the crew of the Enterprise who need help from Flint, Rayna's guardian (Flint has the resources to cure a terrible disease). Kirk et al. essentially bully Flint into helping them, but Rayna isn't present at that point, and Flint evidently has his own secrets and motives. It's only later that they're allowed to meet Rayna, Flint's highly educated and intelligent, but extremely sheltered, ward. She has never met a man other than Flint before (and for the audience, Flint is very obviously grooming Rayna to be his wife).

So Rayna is not in any way subject to Kirk's authority, although it's the reason he's there, but she's so sheltered that there are definitely ways in which he seems the more proactive of the two of them in this particular romance. But she's also intelligent and curious and actively into him. At first, Flint doesn't want her around them at all, and it's Rayna who insists; Rayna is a bit overwhelmed, but interested in exploring the potential of her romance with Kirk; she starts pushing back against Flint's restrictions, and falls for Kirk in a way she never could with Flint.

Flint basically comes up with delaying tactics that involve throwing Rayna and Kirk together, allowing for the more sentimental, "high romance" type of courtship that Kirk goes for (waltzing, kissing etc). But it turns out that Rayna is a very sophisticated android and oblivious to this fact herself (this Rayna is the latest in a long series of attempts), and Flint finds her interest in Kirk promising as far as Flint's ultimate goal of making her his own immortal wife is concerned. He's essentially keeping Kirk around to encourage Rayna's capability to feel romantic love and sexual attraction in general, like a sort of ... sexy lure??? in hopes that she'll turn those feelings to Flint in time.

The problem is that this is, obviously, super fucked-up towards both Kirk and Rayna (Flint refers to Rayna as his property). Kirk's usual hatred of AI does not extend to an AI who is genuinely a full sentient person, though he has to grapple with the concept for a moment, and this revelation doesn't actually destroy his feelings for her. He insists that a) Rayna is in love with him and he with her, and b) Rayna is clearly a full person, and thus no one's property, and has the right to choose what she wants. In the final scene, the question of power is specifically raised:

FLINT: No man beats me. KIRK: I don't want to beat you. This is no test of power. Rayna belongs to herself and she claims the human right of choice to be as she wills, to do as she wills, to think as she wills.

Rayna's very newly-developed capacity for feeling is torn between her love for Flint as a mentor and father-figure, and her confusing and overwhelming feelings for Kirk, and her desire to avoid hurting either of them. The strain of all these contradictory human feelings and impulses (/sigh) fries her circuits and she self-destructs.

(Spock, who spends most of the episode visibly consumed with jealousy of Rayna, is also sympathetic to her, but his priorities are what they are. McCoy accuses him of being incapable of understanding the love triangle that created this situation, as well as of feeling romantic love in general, in all its agonies and ecstasies, after the exhausted Kirk falls unconscious upon returning to the Enterprise. Spock simply tells McCoy goodnight and once he's gone, mind-melds with Kirk and wipes his rival from Kirk's memory because, uh *looks at hand* he and Kirk are totally normal healthy platonic bros and Spock doesn't experience love.)

But I do think the chasm between the actual Kirk romances and the tactical ones is also very much felt in how Kirk navigates power/control/authority. In seduction, he hangs tightly on to some sense of power and autonomy through his ability to control himself and the situation. In romance, though, it seems like he strongly prefers dynamics where he can (or must) step down from his usual authority and the weight of decisions and responsibility is distributed away from him.