#Lonely Introspection

[crustyfloor]

On Till’s (general emotional journey), his place in the karmic cycle occurring in Alien Stage’s ending, how he subverts the cruelty of self-punishment into a journey of personal growth, self-reflection, and gentle closure

And the reconciliation with Ivan that he never got to have

——

(Pretty long post )

All Panels from the "Remember everything" comic are a fan translation by @/ka_akeakamai

All panels from the "Scars" comic are a fan translation by @/manipuIatedstar

Ivan and Till's relationship has miscommunication and misunderstanding threaded into every aspect of their story. It eventually becomes tragic and pitiful when you realize they would've been so different if only they were more honest and understood each other better, especially with the examples that will be shown in this post

This foundation set for their relationship then planted the seeds for the actions that will induce a consequence (for Till's karma), as is the principle applied to the karmic cycle that says every action will come with a consequence [ a search for atonement]

The meteor shower was the seed, the "catalyst" for Ivan and Till's earliest development and dynamic shift, one of the "causes"-- when Till turned back and ran to the garden without a word Ivan didn't notice his hesitance, to put it into Ivan's perspective, he internalized this moment by assuming the situation would be better off if he no longer imposed his feelings on Till like before [Ivan's emotional expression has always been shown in the way he provoked Till or stuck by his side constantly,] If Till really preferred going back to the garden where he would continue to suffer just to be with Mizi-- to Ivan it proved that he wasn't truly wanted, he didn't mean as much to Till as he might've hoped for. (In short, Ivan took it as a rejection of his feelings as a whole.)

In the aftermath, Ivan didn't dissapear, didn't stop loving Till, but he did change the way he approached him, he began creating emotional distance from Till in certain, calculated ways [Back to the way Ivan shows his affection, the way he started subtly withdrawing, stopping Till from fighting with him and starting to show concern in secret and looking out for Till when he wouldn't notice was Ivan closing himself off from Till and shutting him out, especially as they got older, Ivan learned to become more evasive, like a shield.] So he started repressing his emotions, and voluntarily accepted staying in Till's shadow ("just enough to stay without being greedy")

Till wasn't being intentionally cruel; he was also just scared, scared of abandoning Mizi to escape and face the unknown outside of his comfort zone. We never do see Till confronting Ivan during or after the meteor shower because what Ivan and Till do when they fall out is not communicate, they just barely float around each other for a moment until they come back together. In this case, because Ivan wouldn't bring it up, Till didn't bring it up either. Till's emotional response to what he can't understand or cannot reconcile with almost always circles back to avoidance and denial [for instance, the gist of Mi Vida Loca is Till's avoidance and fears, and denial of the reality, all because he cannot find himself letting go in the face of rejection or fear, but all he wants to do is keep loving and chasing regardless]

Till isn't adept at handling social situations, certainly not feelings. He's especially careless about his interpersonal relationships, even though he cherishes them deeply, but his mind is always somewhere else, or he's too absorbed in his music to really see it, and he always finds himself too afraid to make the first move, always waiting or yearning or keeping to himself

Really, he's kind of simple-minded -> Till resolves the situation by not confronting/handling it because of the shame he had [for years, I imagine he grew to suppress these memories and avoid them until the present day]. Hell, maybe he didn't even have the words to explain it without a proper understanding of himself or Ivan or emotional maturity.

At the end of the day, neither he nor Ivan said a word about it; they didn't stop being together all the time, but something about their previous dynamic changed. And it didn't fix a thing

For years, Ivan and Till functioned like that, close but always circling around each other, avoidance, suppression, ignorance, but with Till, I wonder if there was an implicit trust that they would always be together anyway (it really just reminds me that he didn't anticipate going up against Ivan, and even post-cure, Ivan is always meant to return to him)

Years later, once the consequence is played out through Ivan's death, Till is once again grappling with denial and avoidance as he is alone to process all of this at once. The guilt and the suppressed feelings come back to him. During round 6, Till wanted to escape this exact scenario; he was fully ready to forfeit his life to Ivan to avoid living with all the failure and sorrow in his life, but [Till's "karma"] is being forced to acknowledge the reality, face it for the first time anyway without his defenses, even the loss he couldn't handle

This karma of his was innately set up to be a cycle of self-blame and self-destruction out of grief and trauma. If he chose to keep running and avoiding confrontation. His guilt would always be there, tormenting him, and so Ivan would never disappear. Till would end up staying stuck, walking in circles because of the past, and finding relief in causing wounds to keep things at bay. Worst case scenario, he would've destroyed himself to death

But here's the part where I believe he subverts "expectations" or breaks the typical flow of this cycle before it has the chance to break him

A rebellion member is killed on a mission, and the stray bullet injures Till. Of course, Till would feel upset for the life of another, especially since he couldn't do anything for them, but I'm almost certain that this scene was meant to play out as a reflection of Till's guilt and fears. It's to convey that Till is still haunted by these scenarios where he's helpless to the situation, people die all around him, and there's nothing he can even do about it. His guilt and self-loathing are endlessly eating at him, mocking him (Just the same way his hallucination of Ivan would say, "look at you, you're nothing but a burden." [Till hates feeling useless, pitifully weak]

Till breaks down to Isaac, it's implied more directly that Till's guilt over that incident is tied back to how tormented he is by the past. Till would continue to crush his own heart over his guilt, if Till doesn't move on and forgive himself, he's just going to continue to suffer and hate himself for the rest of his life over and over again, he'll continue to be reminded, that's just the cycle of trauma, [and that is how self-hatred plays out in these little ways, repetitively. Because of the person's perceived wrongdoings]

It could've been entirely unlikely that Till would've escaped this on his own if not for Isaac's advice-- he's told he should let go of the past and move forward, but Till knows in his heart that he doesn't want to let go, even though he wants to be freed, he doesn't want to forget it, it's all he's ever known for the majority of his life. That's why Ivan stays. If Till meant what he said by wanting Ivan to leave ages ago, Ivan would have been gone, but there's something within Till that is keeping him here. (Something unsaid, that he and 'Ivan' both know. Questions that have come back to the surface, being suppressed again and again out of fear, linger after all this time. I believe that's what pushes Till to really "confront" Ivan)

As I explained in another post, Till gets agitated when "Ivan" is casually checking on him and making the situation seem more mundane and casual than it actually is, just like he would do in the Garden.

Rewinding back to their days in Anakt Garden, after the meteor shower, it is my speculation that Till had many instances where he felt confused and irritated with Ivan for his behavior. Ivan was not good at calculating how Till would actually take these actions, even if they were small and "mellowed out." And Till, for his part, grew accustomed to ignoring Ivan and easily biting back what he actually felt behind bitter curses

When Till is reminded of this exact scenario in the present, he's sincerely upset and wonders why Ivan would never just ask if he was alright, ever. What does the hallucination of Ivan do...he deflects the question just like Ivan would have in the garden

Beneath this, in Till's words, there is a want, there is the deep-seated feeling of waiting for the people around him to ask about his feelings, to reach out first because he was a lonely child, he craved understanding and people, but was too scared to ask for it. But when Ivan always stuck around him and bothered him but didn't ask him about anything, he was left wondering why Ivan didn't care about him more, he was left questioning if Ivan ever did, and there it is, the core misunderstanding of each other

[Just like the behavior Till's hallucination of Ivan exhibits by avoiding elaboration and deflecting, this is the reason why Ivan and Till never properly connected with each other.]

Ivan and Till don't talk; Ivan is stubbornly resolute in his mindset, and Till remains stuck in place with apprehension and simple ignorance [A simple-minded guy at the time]. If they're left to their devices, they ultimately come to misguided conclusions about each other. Like Ivan not caring, Till not caring, then they never ask each other

How is Till simple-minded? pt.2 -> Well, he's not dumb, but he's naive. Always distracted, especially in the past with Mizi, without looking deeper into it and only absorbing how Ivan treated him in comparison to how he desired to be treated by people he cared about, back then they were immature children after all, when Till was spending day to day just trying to get by and feeling mostly confused by Ivan, it was easiest to assume things about Ivan that weren't true, especially in the instances where it'd seem like Ivan didn't even consider Till a friend, yet Till always cared about him

Till wonders why Ivan never asked him if he was okay, but in these scenarios where you're left asking why, maybe it is just that the other person was waiting for you to ask, too. It is just that Ivan wouldn't have known Till wanted him to care deep down if he thought Till disliked him so much, just as much as it would've been near impossible for Till to decipher Ivan's feelings if Ivan was always running and hiding. They both needed each other, but were actively denying themselves that because they were too scared of initiation, too scared to ask and get hurt, the Till of the present is understanding enough to realize that, fairly quickly, when he starts thinking back.

So when it comes to Ivan and Till's mutual misunderstanding, that's why Till was so stunned to realize something like Ivan actually caring about what he did, when otherwise, Till was too embarrassed to show him, and didn't think about whether Ivan would like it or not, if he could never read Ivan's feelings clearly. In Scars, we see him once again dismissing the thought and suppressing that revelation and the feelings that come with it, because of fear. Till was still avoiding and tiptoeing around the past.

However, this time it occurs to Till just how much time has passed-- Till has always had Ivan by his side, never imagined anything but-- now he's simply growing up without him. Till realizes he's been free, he's been doing things on his own, learning to ride a motorcycle, drawing, but he's been alone. (even though his vision of freedom would've always been alongside his friends, over being alone like this.) He's not used to being alone; most of all, he doesn't want it. So he doesn't let go of Ivan, yet again lacking the initiative to confront the situation, it never fixed anything when Till first woke up in the rebellion. It torments him; he's alone. But loneliness... that's why Ivan is here too [that's why he's always been there.]

Rather than a figure shrouded in darkness or a corpse coming back to haunt Till, it's just a child. There's a gentleness to the way Till sees Ivan now in contrast to Scars when he's coming to confront his grief and regrets directly. He had lost something irreplaceably precious to him before he could realize what it really even meant, before it was too late .

He remembers it was always Ivan desperately finding ways to get excuses to be with him by any means, good attention or not. Till didn't notice that it was because they were so alike. Lonely and needed someone

Back then, he could've never imagined that Ivan was so timid

Till just didn't understand it at the time, and so couldn't find the words to elaborate on the subject of Ivan, but it was always Ivan in his peripheral vision, no matter what. If only they both knew the word "family" = [how to confront each other], they could've prevented their suffering

[it’s a pitiful circumstance], but what Till feels isn’t pity, nor sympathy, but rather Till is understanding. He’s finally understood why Ivan always followed him around and did the strange things he did in the past, which held him back from truly connecting with Ivan, because they both came to constant clashes because of their fundamental differences

That's the thing that makes Till's path different to me, it's that he could've easily spiraled further into guilt for not realizing it sooner,

Instead of continuing to be angry, resentful, afraid, remorseful--instead of falling further into self-hatred, etc. He acknowledges and understands Ivan. Till's compassion and care effortlessly reaches out to him, he accepts Ivan, knowing they were both going through similar things and that Ivan was also afraid, even though it will never be the same as coming to understand the real Ivan, the point of Till's breakdown is his realization that this is all coming to him way too late. If only they had the time and the knowledge, they could've fixed this. He's regretful, but through this, he's making amends.

I'd like to believe there is forgiveness in there, too. For both of them, effortlessly loving, unconditionally, is in Till's nature (and it seems like as he's grown post-cure, he has become a more understanding person). This is rightful reassurance for two characters who didn't know how much they truly meant to each other, and couldn't have a better relationship. For Till, who couldn't shake the regret of overlooking Ivan for so long that he believes he caused this-- he gets to finally understand himself and Ivan by seeing his own pains reflected in him, and then he comes to come to truly know Ivan after all this time

For Ivan to be acknowledged and accepted [and loved] just like he's always wanted, is in its own way, closure for them both. Even despite its tragedy. ["to love is to be seen"] <- in a way, you know, they both desired to be seen and healed. Now Till's own love and care for Ivan is shown more clearly in his actions as he finally allows himself to come to peace with what he's been avoiding for decades of their relationship

Really... Till is so filled with love, only love can do what he did for Ivan

This moment gives Till a freeing sense of peace, metaphorically and literally. After that day, years have passed, and Ivan still hasn't come back to him. Till is devoted to living alongside the suffering he knows and the memories, not leaving them behind or treating them like a disposable part of himself, since Ivan will always be someone he cherished and cared about.

-

Till's character being able to make it out of this in a gentle way, therefore reaffirming his nature, is what I value most. I say he subverts the outline slightly because, for Luka and Mizi, specifically Mizi, for instance, who also needs closure, she's stuck in a loop of self-atonement and loneliness for things she can't take back, she's been living in her own personal hell for ages, she can't forgive herself and she must still believe she deserves it. It's uncertain if she'll really be able to grow and continue living despite it, like Till did, or if it is certainly her fate to never be able to escape herself. The one thing she has to fight for is to understand and forgive herself first. But I believe they all have it in them to make it, I believe they're all meant to at some point

Till was just narrowly close to losing himself to grief and sorrow. But he's always had a knack for coming back from the brink, and with a newfound sense of bravery and growth and understanding, most importantly, love-- he does what he couldn't do before. He decided to confront Ivan and the suppressed feelings. He decides to search for Mizi because what they need together is family and closure. By doing this, he would be cherishing Ivan's memory, by repurposing the suffering and the love into something even more profound (you know 🫩)

[yahumankdj]

I fear I just realised the illusion of choice in visual novels (particularly otomes) while playing 14 Days With You.

Like... I get the option to kiss my beautiful man Ren, wdym you're giving me the option to say no???? u think I'm gonna say no?????????

r u mad.

OFC IM GOING TO DRAG THAT GORG MAN INTO A CLOSET NO I DONT GIVE TWO SHITS ABT THE RANDOM BLONDES AND WASABI MAN WHO R THEY IM HERE FOR MY MAN RENNN

maybe this is just bc im a desperate hoe guys who knows

[atomicrebelfire]

Still on the Line

quiet melancholy, unspoken connection, gentle ache, muted hope

📞 Read on AO3

Buck doesn’t speak. Tommy doesn’t either. But sometimes a phone call with no words can still say everything.

They just listen. Like silence counts for something. Like maybe it’s enough—for now.

— Why wasn’t he invited to the dinner?? So I did the only rational thing, gave him a quiet couch and a phone call. Let’s make him sadder, I guess.

By the end of 8x13, Buck looked so quiet. So subdued. And of course, I went, what if he called Tommy that night? Not to fix anything. Not to explain. Just… to feel his presence.

So yeah, this one’s about loneliness that doesn’t feel bitter. About being tired, and still reaching out. It's soft. It's simple. And maybe a little sad in the way that still leaves room for hope.

It’s not a fix-it. Not a heartbreak fic. It’s just… a pause. An exhale. A connection that lingers, even when neither of them speaks.

—

✨ For anyone who’s ever felt that ache and didn’t have the words. And for those of us who keep finding comfort in the quiet. 💙

—

~Excerpt ~ The line picks up after two rings. Tommy doesn’t say anything right away. Neither does Buck. Just breathing. Quiet background sounds on both ends. —

💥 Short, introspective, and quietly hopeful. For anyone who needed a little softness today. Not canon, of course—but lovingly imagined.

[dontbemeantomepls]

messy muddled feelings for may 19

the leaves are moving

in mysterious shapes

it might thunder

and storm and rain

i sit uneasy,

like something i ate

tension drip drip drips

down the grate

i want to feel your footsteps

in my sleepy haze

i want to break free

from this cage

i want to get out of these clothes

i want to change

i want to break free of my mold

i want to change

i want to change

[lobo-austral]

En cada despedida entrego un trocito de mi alma esperando que algún día regrese.

Mi primer BC sin ti 😭

[indiestar]

I'm doing fine, if fine means pretending everything's okay until it almost is.

Left a note for no one on the kitchen table. Might answer it myself later.

The light came in weird today. It didn't fix anything, but at least it showed up.

[sonadowfan66]

maybe i just like the feeling of being totally empty. maybe it’s just nice to feel like a husk and avoid responsibility. maybe it’s what i deserve for everyone ive hurt. maybe putting myself in that position is grounding. maybe i like having control over the pain i put myself in so that when i eventually don’t it won’t hurt so fucking badly.

[journey-to-the-attic]

oooooh it is so very late at night and I am having #thoughts #emotional #notclickbait

thinking about how in the grand scheme of things IK is like. inherently the bravest being in the devildom

Mind You it's not even to do with the massive amounts of trauma she's been through, it's solely because she is a human

Humans lives are like a second long compared to these centuries (eons even) old demons- she knows virtually nothing in the grand scheme of things compared to them

And yet despite her knowing nothing (and being aware that she knows nothing and could die at any second) she still walks forward with little hesitance, trusting and learning and growing which is the bravest thing you can really do as a human (imo)

Even just the fact that she lives knowing she could die at literally any moment makes her braver than like. half the cast. because while yes they have all been through their respective traumas, they still live for HUNDREDS of THOUSANDS of years, and every like. 200 years or so they'll maybe once think 'man i've been alive a long time' and continue on with their day

IK, as a human, looks around at just. the place she's in. and registers that virtually anything there could kill her and says 'yeah I could probably survive'

I honestly feel like it awes the others, especially given their lack of knowledge on humans. If I was a demon I'd be like 'shouldn't thinking about dying break your brain or smth' and here's this baby walking around like 'hey how many ounces of fucking cyanide could I chug before things start getting serious'

And I rewatched Finding Nemo recently and pictured this scene with Lucifer and IK and I think I severely dehydrated myself with how much I cried

IK: "He says to let go! Everything is gonna be alright!!"

Lucifer: "How do you know?! How do you know something bad isn't going to happen?!"

IK: "I don't!"

SHE KNOWS NOTHING!! SHE HAS NO KNOWLEDGE OF HOW FATE CARRIES HER OR WHAT SORT OF INEXPLICABLE DANGERS LIE AHEAD OR EVEN THE BASICS OF HOW MAGIC WORKS AND YET SHE BRAVES THE UNKNOWN ANYWAYS AMD LUCIFER IS IN AWE!!!!!! IM GOING TO BE SICK

this is us right now THAT'S OUR GIRL

for real though. it's like watching a baby bird fly for the first time. it's tiny and helpless and could be crushed in an instant in a predator's jaws, but it clambers out of the nest and jumps for the sky anyway, even if it could very well smash itself to pieces on the rocks below

one of my favourite genres of character tbh... i love that baby bird so dearly

[tenderprofundness]

[exoulisis]

Murderer James W. Rodgers was put in front of a firing squad in Utah and asked if he had a last request. He replied, “Bring me a bullet-proof vest.”

somethings happened to me

ive been feeling disgusted by writing. ive started hating it. this worries me

i dont think ive ever made it this far on a singular project. its like my brain is repelling me away because its a new record for me.

i have to push. and thats hard because it’s writing

its hard because im against my own brain but my brain is responsible for producing the ideas for my writing.

it’s like begging your worst enemy for some money.

if you’re here then you are a witness of the first ever time i tried when it got hard. when i really didnt want to do it. when i started hating it.

i dont even care if im losing passion for writing or if im burnt out or “writers block”. i dont care about any of it. i MUST go on.

ive gotten so far. i cant quit this now. i cant slow down now.

its so easy too. i just write about random things that come to my mind. i just write about my feelings, i just vent to nobody.

if i can’t even do that then what can i do?

this medium account is teaching me what discipline feels like. its teaching me what LIFE feels like.

are you really here?

i haven’t seen you in a while, reading this.

im losing God again. i dont even know how or why at this point. He just fades from me. i need to recommit myself to prayer and scripture i guess.

it saddens me so much.

because i know ill never be good enough for Him

i know ill never be able to stick with Him forever because ill always lose Him

it breaks me

it breaks my heart

it makes me hate myself because im not allowing myself to live

im not allowing myself to have the only thing in the entire universe thats real and not out to get me

im sorry

but how could God make it so hard for me?

He knows how weak i am

wait i cant do this now. i cant ask questions about God here because i have to ask Him directly. i cant pray in here because He said not to. i need to pray in private, in secret, alone.

but i am really just so so so so sorry to Him

because i know Hes there but im drowning down here

im drowning on this earth

in all the things of this earth

the work the stress the sadness the emotions

wont He pull me out of the bridge ive jumped off?

please

but i have to swim to His lifeboat first

and i dont know if i can because im just so weak

sad violin noises

i need Him

i need Him

i need Him

but im just

so

weak.

i think i love Him. i really think i do

do i secretly like drowning?

because i just want someone to love me. i want people to have a reason to care about me. to nurture me, to give me things.

i just want a hug

i want to be destroyed so that people finally start listening to me. instead of just waiting for their turn to get what they want

i want to breath my last breath in this water. just so my feelings are finally validated. by the ones standing at my grave and the ones looking at the news report saying “I wish I could’ve helped him”, the ones with tears saying “Why did I fail to understand him?”

i just want to be given a chance to be understood

nobody understands you until you show them why they should’ve understood you

imagine sad piano playing as someone gains awareness of all your problems and emotions and trauma. without you needing to convince them or show them evidence and text messages and security camera footage and call people

what would they do?

i dont know if they would hug me

or hit me

hit me and say “Everyone has these types of issues you disgusting egomaniac”

so then it wouldnt be sad piano. it would be the hero finally triumphing the villain

am i the villain here?

but all i want to be is broken

shattered into a million pieces and everyone rushes over to piece me back together

but im actually alone and i dont even have the strength to pray to God because i barely even believe in Him anymore

how can i believe in Him if i dont even believe myself

how can i trust Him if i cant trust the vessel

this is my temporary euphoria for the day

“just do your best because thats all anyone can do”

so whats the point

whats the point

id do my best and get successful and then what

im just here but its dimmed

i want it erased i want it gone

i dont want makeup i want accutane

stop telling me to do what worked for you because you didnt even realise what you were doing

and for that im so, so jealous

because you’re free because you cant see the prison bars, you can just mingle in the cell believing you’re free to leave whenever

but its too late for me to live in that paradise because i know too much honey

imprisoned in my own thoughts

i love you though

im lost and you’re trying to pull me back on the right path but your right path ends in a cliff but the cliff is invisible to the naked eye

the flowers bloom in beauty and they die

can i take anything with me to death?

i don’t want to obtain the next step in your instructions

i dont want to buy things for one dollar and sell them for two

its all bland and flavourless

its all fleeting

only one thing is forever and that thing is the possible existence of a God

i don’t care if im living in obscurity so stop saying that

i dont care if you’re even Napoleon

i don’t even wanna be a writer or poet because once i choose it its over before it started. we can’t choose what we want to do we can only do what we want to do. choosing ruins the electricity and choosing ruins the reasons we choose

but i dont want to bold my own text i want someone to do it for me

i dont want to work i want to write

i dont want to write i want to be free

i dont want to be free i just want to know what i want

i dont want you anymore because i dont want to lose you

im fine staying at the shore

but is the shore sadder than the swim back?

you can iron your clothes but you can never iron ceaselessness

that crinkle stays and will always be apparent

you can hide it with accessories but you will still brush against it time to time

and you’ll be despaired once again

or is it just me who has no accessories to use?

and i thank God every day that He wont give me any because its the only thing keeping me afloat

is being stuck under the water

i like this

the “Save and Publish” button is the only thing ive found that validates my despair

or can you help me?

God I thank you

for this despair because its what makes me feel alive

can you feel that?

even without a musician caressing instruments you can still feel joy, you dont need them

but i do

because when i have that in my ear i dont have any space for me to hate myself because i don’t have space to think

i dont have space to binge or make more and more mistakes and hate myself even more

its just silent. its just stoic

i don’t know how to love myself

i don’t know how i could love someone who drowns in their own misery, seeking attention and validation while rejecting real change.

i mooch off others, indulge in instant gratification, and push away those who try to help, all while resenting myself and my situation.

i obsess over my own misery because i have nothing greater to focus on.

im stuck in nihilistic paralysis.

wait a second

wait a second…

i feel like i have deep wisdom, but ive been tricking myself all this time

there’s no point on working hard because it’ll fade and only bring us temporary satisfaction

but stagnation is worse than struggle

okay but we’re gonna die anyway so why even build things if i can stay at the baseline

but the fact that life is temporary makes it valuable, not pointless. we should make the most of it right?

but but but-

NO

we dont need a reason to do things

we just need to do the things that give meaning

it’s discovered through action

but thats not enough to break my cell bars.

but what are you afraid of?

you dont have to have it all figured out

why do you seek validation?

because i just want someone to understand me

so..

why can’t that someone be yourself?

[transmechanicus]

Never underestimate the power of a comfy hoodie to ward off Lovecraftian madness🖤

[tillman]

i like that you can tell im the one rewriting the eddie page rn cus this is the quote

[emsprovisions]

Hello! Last week I asked if you'd be interested in some scrapped Carlos drabbles from a fic I don't think I will ever finish. They're a bit heavy/angsty because I wrote them to explore different stages in Carlos's life. So here is the first one, about a ten year old Carlos. Enjoy! 💕

The Right Instincts

Word count: 722

Divider can be found here

Carlos scrambled to his room, trying hard not to let the tears break until he made it to privacy. He knew he wasn’t allowed to slam his door, so he settled for leaving it ajar behind him, before grabbing his worn and beloved Kique the Koala from his bed and crawling beneath his desk. He clutched Kique close and began to hiccup, tears already streaming down his red-cheeked face. 

Bonnie nosed her way in, trailing after Carlos and curling up beside him to offer her comfort. Bonnie was technically Ana’s dog—a bribe for no longer being the baby of the family—but she’d grown up with Carlos, as she came into the family not too long before Carlos was born. They were both ten now, but for a miniature poodle, that meant she was toeing her way into old age. She always liked Carlos, because he didn’t try to force her into dresses or chonguitas like his sisters did. She curled up and slept in his bed beside him most nights. And he always gave her his table scraps when Papá wasn’t looking. 

Carlos petted her, clammy hands roaming through her white curls, trying to calm his tears and stay quiet so his dad wouldn’t come in here and yell at him some more. 

“Hi, Chica,” he whispered. “Thanks for coming to check on me.”

“Carlitos?” The door was pushed open, and all Carlos could see were his dad’s heavy boots trudging forward. 

He watched his dad’s legs bring him closer to Carlos, heard the groaning of the mattress as he sank onto the edge of Carlos’s bed. “Come here, son.” 

Carlos looked down at Bonnie, who looked up at him with her big, brown eyes. She licked his arm as he crawled past her, out from beneath his desk, Kique regretfully left behind on the floor. He didn’t want to get yelled at for being a baby, too. 

“Stand up,” his father commanded, and Carlos stood, refusing to look anywhere but his dad’s eyes. “Mírame, son.”

Carlos bit his lip and met his father’s eyes.

“I didn’t teach you self defense so you can go around punching your classmates.”

Carlos bit his lip harder, so it wouldn’t quiver. “He was a bully, daddy,” he mumbled.

“Speak up.” 

Carlos swallowed. “He was a bully.”

Gabriel sighed. “I understand that, son, I do, but you still can't go around hitting people.”

“He was making fun of my friend, Papá! I was defending my friend, like you taught me!”

“No, Carlos,” Gabriel shook his head. “Words don’t hurt people. Your actions do. You can’t hit someone just because they said something mean to you.”

Carlos’s balled-up fists shook at his sides. He knew he was the one being punished, sent home early from school, his dad’s disappointment like gasoline he felt being poured over his veins, but he knew he wasn’t wrong for defending someone else. His dad had taught him that too, after all. He was used to being the kid that got picked on in class, so when Ricky Hernandez turned on Jake, Carlos knew he couldn’t let anyone else be treated the way he was. 

“You’re no troublemaker, Carlos,” Gabriel said, and Carlos always knew he wasn’t. That wasn’t what this was. He just didn’t know how to make his dad see it like he did. 

“I’m sorry,” Carlos whispered, just wishing to placate his father so he would go away.

“You’re damn right you’re sorry, mijo. You are going to sit at this desk and write an apology letter to Ricky Hernandez, to your teacher, to your principal, and to your mamá, because you will be telling her what you did when she gets home.”

Carlos tried not to shake. His mom being mad at him would be ten million times worse, he hadn’t even considered her reaction yet. He felt more tears prickle behind his eyes and he dug his short fingernails further into his palms, trying hard to steel himself. He wouldn’t cry in front of his dad, that was a punishable weakness he couldn’t afford at this point. Not when his tears were brought on by his own actions. He wasn’t sorry for hitting Ricky, but he was sorry to be in this mess now. He was sorry for himself, and maybe that was the worst punishment of all.

[in-tenebris-et-in-solitudine]

You bring good to my lonely life, honestly, It's hard for me to look into your eyes, When I say that I would be nothing without your love, I feel the rush, and it's amazing.

[focryst]

have been playing hashihime a lot lately.. 🥹

[shijas]

:/