#damian wayne is a menace

[timmydraker]

Damian, showing off Alfred the Cat like at those cat shows: perfect jaw, nice tail to body length, healthy teeth and eyes. Perfect in every way.

Damian, turning to Tim: something you’ll never achieve.

Tim, literally just sitting there: oh okay we’re fighting again?

Damian: yes.

Tim: shit I wasn’t ready, do it again

Damian: sure

Damian, showing Alfred The Cat off like at those cats shows: the perfect specimen, unlike you.

Tim: the perfect specimen, unlike your face

Damian: how dare you!

Damian, carefully placing Alfred down before wrestling Tim to the ground: my safe word is cookie!

Tim, trying to get him in an arm lock: mines peanut!

Bruce, who asks to spend time with both his sons, utterly confused: am I meant to do something…?

Alfred, knowing full well this as close to normal siblings behaviour they might ever get: they have safe words.

Bruce: right…

Tim: wait, peanut, I forgot to save my work

Damian: understandable.

Tim: okay done

Damian: can I get my knife?

Tim: no I have a date with Bernard tonight

Damian: ew.

Tim: homophobic?

Damian: no, just ew.

Tim: damn

Tim: I’m going to hit you now

Damian: can I bite?

Tim: you already did

Damian: no I didn’t

Tim, showing his slightly red wrist

Damian: ah, instinct.

Tim: you are the youngest

Damian: I’m going to bite the other one so it’s even

Tim: aw thank you, I hate it when it’s uneven

Damian: yeah you whine every time

Damian: like a bitch

Tim: I’ll tell your mum you used that word

Damian: sorry

Damian: harlot

Tim: better

Damian: commence!

Bruce: …

Bruce: Is this bonding?

Damian and Tim: nah ah

Bruce, even more confused: okay… just don’t go to far and hurt each other

Damian: you’ve ruined it

Bruce: what?

Tim: yeah… I’m not feeling it anymore

Damian: I’m going to my room

Tim: looser

Damian: your mum

Tim: valid

Bruce, wondering what he did wrong: I’m sorry, come back…

[eaxmxae]

In a happy little place in my mind, two things could have happened when Damian went to high (/middle) school. (More likely middle)

#1. Damian is wholly unprepared for the sheer pettiness, chaos, immaturity and frankly insulting behaviour of these children. Not because of: the insults, petty attempts at bullying and poorly concealed attempts at networking.

No.

It's because they're not trying harder. It's frankly pathetic how none of them have even attempted blackmailing him into a friendship to get closer with his family- there's not even poison in his meals!

He's severely disappointed.

#2. He takes his father's advice about being a role model for his subordinates peers.

If no one is going to teach them, he will.

He takes the whole student body by storm and makes them into the most cunning, efficient, menacing, and above all, loyal 13 year old socialites in the making.

Damian has an adequate army now. Complete with units, chains of command and his most trusted informant squad.

Who are actually the mean girls who love to gossip.

But what's the difference?

#3. Both of the above, in that exact order.

Fic recs are very much appreciated, if inspired by me please let it be known to the world!

[razzledazzle0]

Eggs

Waitress: what would you like to eat?

Damian: I want to devour the unborn

Bruce: EGGS he wants eggs

[irohkyu]

Still, works.

Damian: I need you to take me on patrol with you tonight

Jason: What did Bruce say?

Damian: He said no

Jason: Then why should I take you

Damian: Because he’s not the boss of you

Jason, internally: this is a trap this is a trap this is a trap

[n0tsketchyy]

Jason started a side business as Gotham's most feared mediator. His success rate is 100%, mostly because people are too terrified to continue arguing.

Random Gotham Citizen: ranting My neighbor keeps playing music too loud—

Jason: What kind of music?

Citizen: Does it matter?

Jason: If it's good music, I'll ask them to turn it down. If it's bad music, I'll make sure they never play music again.

Citizen: ...it's country pop?

Jason: cracks knuckles Oh, we're gonna have a conversation about their taste AND their volume.

———

Steph: I heard you mediated a custody dispute between two villains over who gets to keep the hyena.

Jason: Harley won. Obviously. But now the hyena is trained to growl every time it hears Pitbull music.

Cass: Scary. But effective.

Jason: Put that on my business card.

———

Bruce: reading an official letter from the GCPD “Red Hood has resolved 34 neighbor disputes, de-escalated 11 road rage incidents, and mediated a PTA meeting that was about to turn into a fistfight over bake sale proceeds.” Jason. What are you doing?

Jason: kicking his boots off They weren’t resolving it themselves. I’m empowering the community.

Dick: By threatening to shove subwoofers up their—

Jason: Allegedly.

Tim: To be fair, noise complaints in Crime Alley are down.

Jason: Thank you, runt. See? Tim gets it. 

Tim: I didn't say it was legal. 

Jason: Details, Timmy. Details.

Damian: Fear is a valid deterrent. I approve. But next time, invite me. I wish to deliver an informed lecture on dubstep.

[ffaelix]

Tim is typing furiously at his laptop when Damian walks in, holding a katana.

Damian: Drake, do you know what time it is?

Tim: not looking up Uh, noon?

Damian: Wrong. It’s time for you to perish.

Tim: still typing Can it wait until I finish this report for Bruce?

Damian: pauses …Very well. But know that your doom is imminent.

Five minutes later, Damian returns with snacks and silently places them next to Tim.

Tim: smirks Thanks for the snacks, future executioner.

Damian: huffs I refuse to let you die of starvation before I defeat you.

[blaqcats-fics]

been thinking about jason being petty towards bruce. like, oh, you spend time with your other kids, but not me? tire privileges revoked! it would be over stupid shit too.

like there’s one time bruce decides to take damien to the movies, and jason is just beside himself.

like the conversation would be like:

JASON: So, let me get this straight—you took Damian to a movie.

BRUCE: He asked.

JASON: Oh, and I wouldn’t have wanted to see Kung Fu Panda 4 with you?!

BRUCE: You were busy.

JASON: Busy taking down a cartel. Which, by the way, I learned from you. I deserve quality time!

BRUCE: Jason—

JASON: No. No excuses. You’ll learn.

Jason storms off. Five minutes later, an alert pops up on the Batcomputer.

BATCOMPUTER: Warning: Batmobile rear tires have been removed.

BRUCE: …Jason.

Cut to Jason outside, rolling two Batmobile tires away, cackling.

[inkpotsprite]

TIMOTHY.

[shouldnotbethunking]

I see your Bruce Wayne is dating Batman rumors and raise you this:

Everyone knows that Bruce Wayne is dating Batman. Everyone knows that Jason Todd is Red Hood. Everyone knows that Jason Todd is Bruce Wayne’s dead son. Everyone knows Red Hood hates Batman. This is all a very open secret. Everyone knows Tim Drake and Red Robin have a very public beef with one another. And that Red Hood used to have a very public (but much more violent) beef with the third Robin.

This leads to the general accepted truth being that Red Hood hates Batman because he is fucking his dad, and Tim Drake and Red Robin dislike each other because Tim’s brother beat up Red Robin, and, once again, Red Robin’s dad is fucking Tim’s. Everyone feels a little bad for Red Robin, being at the end of both Red Hood’s and Tim Drake’s distaste, because the former is a crime lord and the latter is Timothy Jackson Drake.

This, naturally, reaches the JL whom does not know Batman’s identity yet. Green Arrow makes a passing comment about having also fucked Wayne, which Batman overhears. Cue absolute bat confusion, which he does not show. And that was how the great Batman found out that he accidentally 100% enforced the rumors that he was dating himself by the way he replied to reporters strange questions that in hindsight were so incredibly obvious.

This whole time, Young Justice is having the time of their lives (while also becoming increasingly concerned) as they watch Tim switch between devices as he replies to himself on different accounts on Twitter to further his own feud with Red Robin.

And Jason is. Not sure how he feels. On one hand, Bruce is now very uncomfortable about many, many things. And people yell at Batman when he starts treating Jason like his son (especially when he yells “I’m not your son!” Because what kind of boyfriend would try to make their boyfriend’s kid their own when they clearly don’t want to be). That’s an upside. But on the other, this implies that he is Bruce’s son. And that brings up a lot of feelings he doesn’t want to deal with. And back on that first hand, people have mostly stopped making thirst traps of his dad (gross). And on the second once more, they have started shipping Red Robin and Tim.

And the others are just sitting back and enjoying the ride (they are absolutely a part of this, but I’m too lazy to type out and come up with ideas for the rest)

[timmydraker]

Damian: I’ve been volunteering at the hospital

Tim, who owns a medical company: …

Damian: father doesn’t approve of this because it cuts into my patrol time but I think it’s because I kept it from him

Tim, who likes to disobey Bruce: …

Damian: I fear I may have to make a choice of either continuing as Robin or pursuing my goals of becoming a Doctor

Tim, who dropped out of school: …

Tim: So, weird question, and I’m totally just brainstorming here, like just throwing this out there but like… you’re still a minor so what if I adopt you and pay for your schooling and maybe hack into a few schools so you can learn stuff ahead of time and eventually I could employ you at my company and maybe even build you your own hospital?

Tim: haha wouldn’t that be funny and totally piss Bruce off cause I’d be your dad

[eaxmxae]

Within 3 months of Damian becoming a doctor injury rates among heroes and vigilantes drop DRAMATICALLY.

He's Dr. House but worse. He watched the show, got inspired and added a culturally appropriate amount of his special flavour of trauma into the mix.

Thomas Wayne and Alfred are Proud.

[noodles-and-tea]

hiii :3 thoughts on jason todd?

Don’t listen to them, he is the favourite Robin

[razzledazzle0]

thanksgiving

early Thanksgiving special

Damian has a pet turkey. on thanksgiving he gets a fake one and leaves it out so Alfred will cook it, then realize he's cooking his turkey when its really not.

----

Bruce panicked running into the kitchen: Alfred!

Alfred turning around eyebrow raised as he put the turkey into the oven: what is it master bruce?

Bruce: that's not out turkey.

Alfred: what-what do you mean?

Bruce: that's Damian's turkey!

Alfred:

Bruce: I just-

Jason walking into the kitchen: hey so I just ran into Damian and he says he cant find gobble (the turkey, its a stupid name)

Bruce:😨

Alfred: 😶‍🌫

Jason: guys..

Alfred: how long do we have to get a new turkey for Damian?

Jason confused: what why-*relizing* you guys fucking cooked him?!

Bruce: on accident!

Dick strolling in: hey family! what's..*looking around* what's wrong?

Jason: they cooked gobble.

Dick: ..we're fucked

Bruce: ok, Jason you go get a new turkey, Dick your gonna distract Damian

Jason: yeah yeah

Damian appearing out of nowhere: Have you guys seen gobble?

Dick: nope! maybes he outside-

Damian: is that gobbles collar...

Alfred: 😨

Bruce: ok, Damian..we may have accidentally cooked gobble..

Damian:

Damian: laughing, oh that's not gobble

Dick: what, what do you mean?

Damian: that's a fake gobble, I wanted to prank you guys

Alfred :..that's good

Dick: we already sent out Jason to get you a new turkey?

Damian: oh. now I have two turkeys!

----

turning this into a oneshot

[anxi04]

tim is on the thinnest ice for becoming a supervillain. the gotham rogues don’t know just how thin it is but they are well aware that out of all the bats (yes even the red hood, yk the crime lord) red robin is the one most likely to end up joining their rogue status.

most of the batfam are not aware of this, except for bruce, cass, damian, and jason.

cass knows just from watching him cause of course she does. she also found one of his Completely Normal And Not At All Supervillain-y Plans. she has him tell her the plans so he’s not spending weeks fleshing them out and it’s more like ranting to her. she does however keep an eye on him during his bad days cause some of those plans were concerning

damian was about to kill someone (very deserved, and also very early on in his career) and tim just drops down in front of him so damian is obviously thinking “oh shit he’s gonna tell them and i’ll be cast out of the family and oh god-“ and he just. “want me to help hide it or do you got it?” damian just blinks cause what. he thought tim was gonna be the most strict on the no kill rule

tim actually deliberately let jason know cause he pissed him off once (interrupted his nap). all he did was take over jason’s gang for a week, made it seem like he was red hood without jason knowing what was going on, make it better, and then insult jason and tell him how he could’ve done it EVEN BETTER but he just didn’t feel up to it. jason has both a newfound respect and fear of tim. he’s also a little salty about just how good tim ran his gang but that’s between him and the gods

bruce knows cause one time during tim as robin he rold bruce “if you kill anyone i WILL become a villain and you are NOT prepared.” and then forced bruce to go to sleep. bruce honestly isn’t 100% sure if that was a hallucination or not but he’s leaning to not. he also just doesn’t know what he can do about it cause that kid made him eat, sleep, shower, and take proper care of himself what’s he gonna do? bench him? bench the kid who benches batman once???

steph also learns but that’s cause she stumbled upon him literally about to take that step and instead of doing anything about it just called him edgy and that was enough to shock him back. she’s not gonna become one with tim but she jokes about them having a batman and catwoman relationship and that alone is keeping him from actually doing so

[n0tsketchyy]

Headcanon that Jason goes to his grave to relax and absolutely scares the shit out of people

———

Dick: approaching Jason's headstone with flowers, and teary eyes "Hey Little Wing... I know we argued yesterday, and I—I just needed to come here like I used to. Sometimes I forget you're actually back."

The ground shifts slightly beneath him. Dick freezes.

Jason: casually pushing open his coffin lid and sitting up with bed hair and a stifled yawn "Could you keep it down? Some of us are trying to rest in peace here."

Dick: jumps backward, tripping over a nearby headstone and falling flat on his back. His scream echoes through the cemetery. "HOLY SHIT! WHAT THE ACTUAL—" clutches his chest "JASON?!"

Jason: stretching "Who were you expecting? The Joker?"

Dick: scrambling to his feet, voice cracking "WHY WERE YOU IN YOUR GRAVE?!"

Jason: climbing out and brushing dirt off his jacket "It's the only place in this godforsaken city where I can get some peace and quiet. Alfred's always cleaning at the manor, Tim's typing is incessant, and Damian—" shudders dramatically, "—exists loudly." gestures to the coffin "Memory foam. Added it last month."

Dick: still hyperventilating "That's... that's the most morbid thing I've ever heard."

Jason: shrugging "Says the guy who talks to my headstone when I'm not dead."

Dick: after a long pause "...Does Alfred know about this?"

Jason: "Who do you think brings me sandwiches?"

[snakeredbirdbatkatana]

Tim and Dick are the exact same levels of unhinged.

They get each other, Tim once watches Dick lick drugs and that fucker than did the exact same.

Jason and Damian wish they could be as problematic as their brothers.

Bruce would like to unadopt those two specifically.