#existing is exhausting

[demaparbat-hp]

Existential Nihilism Squad™

[stellar-waves]

Today was awful. This summer was just stupid and exhausting.

But this helped. God, this helped ease the pain.

. . .

[cuppatealover]

[dancealongpond]

Posting again for everyone going through a hard time. You’ve got this!

[brotatowho-blog]

[toolateintheday]

.

[theweirdofromthenextdoor]

I keep on having to realize how much "emotions" have an impact on your mood.

how easily your mood can drop because you listened to a song that reminds you of someone you deeply miss.

how heavy it gets to breathe and how equally heavy your heart suddenly feels.

all the motivation you had before? -gone. you've just fallen into the exhaustion and depression of your own emotions.

wonder how easy life is to people who don't have to deal with negative thoughts, missing someone, depression/mental illnesses, etc...

I wish I would know. and I wish I could trade, especially to have some non-understanding people realize how hard depression actually is and how exhausting life is when you suffer.

[heythereimb]

The Month I was Never Meant to See

Hey there I'm B. I have sarcoma. If you're reading this, it's December.

I know to most people that doesn't mean a whole lot beyond the holidays. This month for me is surreal in many ways.

Earlier this year, I learned that the cancer I had was misdiagnosed. I was given a new terminal diagnosis of stage 4 sarcoma. If I decided to stop treatment and go into hospice care, I wasn’t expected to see Christmas of the same year.

I chose to continue to persue treatment to, at the very least, hopefully prolong my life.

Staring down the barrel of this month is horrifying. Every day of it is one I wasn’t supposed to see. Then again every day of it feels like it could be the last. It's this sickening mix of pride and panic.

This is a time I didn’t expect to see. Even with treatment. Every day I wake up is a relief but also fills me with fear. Yes I woke up today but what about tomorrow?

With the way things are looking for me, this fear can be considered almost irrational. Yes I'm sick, yes I'm weak, but I'm also going through treatment. Treatment that has me on a trajectory for recovery.

So why am I still experiencing this fear?

The simple answer is trauma. I was given a time limit for how long I'll live. Once you've been told that, you can't unhear it. It’s impossible to forget the time you shouldn't be here to see. This time where you weren't expected to be alive. It's a sureal and hard to explain experience. I feel like I'm in the back of a store or wandered into a construction zone. It's a feeling of wrongness, of "I'm not supposed to be here". I'm out of place in my own life.

So here I am. In the month I was never meant to see. Crawling my way through it in disbelief. I won't be able to relax until I've made it out the other side.

Until next time

Cross-post from Reddit

[unfilteredrealities]

Had a horrible last week. Decided on Thursday last week I need some days off from work. Took off from Monday to Wednesday. So glad I listened to the signals my body was sending.

From Thursday last week on Friday I slept 9h and I had almost 4h of deep sleep.

Then from Friday to Saturday I slept 11h I defo needed that.

Today I had a pots episode and almost fainted in the staircase hallway and I barely managed to get in the apartment. I immediately laid down on the carpet till my stupid heart calmed the fuck down. Took at least 45min for my pulse to calm down.

I then took my meds bcs I forgotten my morning medicine. Idek if it helps me tho. It’s Concor-cor 2.5mg pill and the other one in the evening is Co-Prenessa 4mg/1,25mg

Any fellow Potsies , what meds are you guys taking?

Im still feeling weakened from the pots episode. Any activity is taking a huge toll on me.

Proud of myself I managed to go to the corner store to get some stuff, wash the laundry and hang the laundry up to dry, bring garbage out.

Im glad I have one more day off and I’m only going back to work on Thursday. Then basically 2 days of work and again weekend which sounds good to me.

Might be that I feel so weak atm as well bcs of period not sure how much that is affecting Pots 🤔

Besides of this my fibro is flaring up as well and my p.a as well 😭 My hands hurt so badly the wrists and my arms feel cold as fuck and tingling >:((

Anyway, I’m alive! Idk if anyone missed me on this blog lol but I’m back by no one’s demand ahaha :p

[dancealongpond]

To my Lil’ Sis @marzfartz, who’s working on her MBA like a Champ! I believe in you and you’re already doing so good at school work and friends and you’re going to come home with a Level Up and make $$$! You CAN do it!!

[itslenagain]

Art by Sonia Lazo

[helena-bottom-farter]

[kaethoh]

Too self aware to be happy, too oblivious to be sad

[tori-isss-dying]

Tell my why at school one lesson (1 hour 40 minutes, it’s long ik) feels like a whole day?? And then I have to do two more lessons??? And socialise at break and lunch?? And then I’m expected to go home and do homework and study and do stuff to relax?? WHERE DO PEOPLE FIND THE FUCKING TIME?

I’m losing my mind istg

[theshadowords]

The fact that I exist is kinda not very obvious.

[alasy]

i miss been taken care of