#grieving and loss

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #78

I woke up today, determined to go to the grocery store to prepare a recipe that someone from the internet sent to me.

…Today seems to have had other plans, though. Hahaha…

At least for today things feel somewhat settled, so I went and caught up with the messages from other people that I didn't have the bandwidth for in previous days. Tomorrow, I am hoping to go to my friend R's house; he is probably one of the best bakers on my planet, and he is going to make us some gluten-free peanut-butter-banana bars, and we will do some catching up. I also made it a point to message another friend of mine. I made him a tree AGES ago, but he's been caught up in the complexities of his life, and we haven't spoken in months. Thank goodness we're both neurodivergent and therefore don't have "friendship decay mechanics"! Hahaha!

Then I began making preparations for weaving trees outside, since the weather will be warmer soon. I spent a lot of today trying to put together the perfect playlist for it - one to inspire determination, and to remind me of how much I've grown and how much I've been helped along the way. It tells a story. Perhaps I'll reproduce this playlist on YouTube so you can hear it sometime, if you want to. It's made entirely of songs that are special to me for reasons I won't define here. But I don't have the energy right now to build it in a place where others can see it. Maybe tomorrow.

Today is the birthday of J's departed brother. I told you a while ago that I might tell you the story of why J wants to get an airplane to begin with; suppose today is as good a day as any; my brain is still kinda soup, and I don't have much else to write about.

J is the youngest of four siblings - two brothers, B and Daniel, and a sister, S.

Daniel was passionate about the outdoors, about photography, about motorcycles, and about a wide variety of other stuff. But most importantly, he was thoughtful, kind, intelligent, introspective, and very gentle. He also had a bit of a wanderlust about him. He spent a lot of his time walking, hiking, doing mechanical work, teaching about motorcycle safety, riding his motorcycle (always in full gear, and never doing anything reckless) and taking beautiful photographs whenever he could. You can find many of the pictures he took here. Please look at them:

I only knew him briefly. But even in that short span of time, and even with so few interactions, it was clear to me, with the way he behaved, how he spoke to others, the kinds of things he loved, and the integrity with which he carried himself, that he was one of the finest examples of a human being that my planet had to offer.

Daniel had dreams of moving to Oregon to become a professional photographer - of nature, of motorcycle races, of whatever suited his fancy. He had an amazing eye for it. So he packed up all his stuff, mailed some of it ahead, and then rode his motorcycle - in his full body gear and helmet, and with all his defensive driving skills, and all the seriousness with which he took motorcycle safety - from where we live in New York State, all the way to Portland, Oregon. He made it! And he took an amazing variety of stunning photographs along the way.

In July of 2020, while Daniel was still getting his living space situated, he decided to go out on a routine drive on his motorcycle, most likely to familiarize himself with the area. Naturally, he was dressed in full gear. But he didn't make it home; he was collided into by an elderly gentleman who was returning home from a hike. The elderly gentleman made an illegal left turn without warning at a speed so high that it wouldn't have helped Daniel even if he was in a car. He died instantly due to the physics involved with inertia of soft things being encased in hard bone; not even a helmet helps with those kinds of physics.

…And just like that, 33 years of growth, of change, of learning, of loving, of becoming, of creating… all of it was undone in an instant. A single moment of negligence caused by a person who claimed he "didn't see him". And now he's gone. I'll never see another one of his photographs. I'll never get to feed him another bowl of venison curry. I'll never get to see him smile or hear him laugh. He'll never see any of his photographs published in any magazine. J has a hole in his soul now in the shape of his brother that can never be filled; the best that J can do is become strong enough to carry the immense weight of that emptiness.

…Funny, you know. Emptiness isn't supposed to weigh anything. And yet… writing this to you, my eyes are already overflowing with photographs of his that I'll never get to see. My lips tremble with words I'll never be able to say to him. My diaphragm quakes with the pain of the laughter that I won't be able to experience with him. At least… not until my turn to exit my own meat-mech comes around. J was extremely close to him and looked up to him as a hero. I can't even begin to imagine the weight of the emptiness he must carry, or the strength it took for him to rise up again after I saw how the weight of that emptiness drove him to his knees.

Because of the safety gear that Daniel was extremely conscientious about wearing, there wasn't a scratch or even so much as a bruise on his body; at the wake, he looked like he was asleep. Due to the nuances of Oregon law, the gentleman who killed Daniel faced no consequences whatsoever. All the same, I hope that the knowledge that his negligence stole a life prompts him to never again be irresponsible with his vehicle.

In honor of Daniel's memory, J wanted to make the same trip across the country, but in his own way. Daniel was passionate about motorcycles. J was always interested in airplanes, but for a variety of reasons (mostly having to do with the conditioning he received as a child about what sorts of things are "practical" and "realistic"), he didn't pursue that interest until recently.

J worked hard to overcome a lot of his previous conditioning in order to obtain a pilot's license. Like Daniel, J is very conscientious about safety, so he has done his utmost to become someone who can pilot a small airplane safely and confidently. He has memorized all of the standard procedures regarding visual flight rules. He is still working towards obtaining his instrument flight rating. He is doing the work needed to make sure the plane he bought recently is safe to operate. He has deconstructed a lot of the conditioning he received that tells him he is "unworthy" and "incapable" in order to make this work, and I could not be more proud of him.

We're still a ways off from making the trip, but when we do, I will be with J, most likely taking pictures, making sure he eats, sleeps, and hydrates, and generally trying to be a source of support. By that point, given that M and Br do not like heights, they will be okay with holding the fort back at home.

…So that is the story about why I was able to take pictures for you from an airplane in one of my letters. Suppose I might as well end today's letter here.

Hey, Sephiroth? I already have enough loss. I have even more in my past. And I know I'm going to have more in my future (M and Br are older than me; this is the other side of being polyamorous, I'm afraid…). There are already missing pieces in my soul in the shape of other human souls. Turn yourself around and keep yourself safe so that you don't add to my collection, yeah? And… make sure you're very generous with the phrase "I love you". Because you don't know when you're going to run out of opportunities to say it out loud.

I love you. And I'll write again tomorrow.

Your friend, Lumine

[star-struck09]

I grieve the little things I did not get to say to you and the things I never will.

[dirtytransmasc]

I'm just imagining Sevika charging into battle not knowing where her girls are. she hears whispers from the battlefield that Isha is dead and that Jinx is gone. taken. captured. surrendered. she doesn't want to accept either. she almost refuses. and it's in the back of her mind that she has to live so she can find her girls, and at the very least, remember them.

and she almost dies. she thinks that there might not be anyone to remember them. to find them.

and then she doesn't. she doesn't die. and one thing leads to another, and she's on the council. and....

she still doesn't know what happened to them.

and then Vi, the girl who, justifiably, hates her guts, comes back. and the look on her face all She needs to know Jinx is gone. but she can't accept it. she can't.

she demands to know what happened, in a clipped, gruff manner, not displaying much care, but her eyes are teary and her gut is churning.... and Vi just says they're gone.

and all Sevika can do is whisper "... both?"

and she doesn't wait for an answer. the face is enough. "how?".

the answer kills her.

she walks away. murmurs an apology over her shoulder.

she doesn't know what to do with the feeling in her chest. her fingers trace over the carving in her arm.

[sncrlynwtms]

merlin in the first episode looking around the city of camelot in awe and wonder, bright eyed and ready for his future versus merlin in the last episode staring dead-eyed straight ahead, centuries later, probably having lived the lives of a thousand men and never coming close to that same sense of wonder ever again, i think i’m gonna be sick

[toneelspeelster]

i, too, am defined by absence. i am a child, and anything could be taken from me at any moment.

[bl00dfroma-fairy]

grief is saying ‘I want to go home’ whilst sitting in my living room

[spoksstuff]

thank you for your service, Nanamin 🥹

at least they're reunited now ❤️‍🩹

all credits to the original artist @neeeem8 on X

[ulteri0rm0tives]

It's actually so heartbreaking that in the temperance ending Johnny just.. leaves. Gets all these calls, maybe even texts, from people who don't know the extent of what happened. Who are accusing him, that are mad at him. Especially in the frame of reference that this was V's last wish. That it was V who gave the body up. That it was V who wanted this, wanted to save Johnny, Johnny essentially powerless to stop them ('just scared for ya').

And the thing is.. Johnny just lets everyone. Lets them make their own conclusions, lets them be mad at him. Lets them blame him. Lets them think, that after the love of his life the person who's ever wholly understood or cared about him the most like no other ever could had 'died', that it's his fault, that he could do that to them... Or just lets them think the worst of V as their final lasting impression or mark on this world. Doesn't try to defend himself nor V. He just leaves. Just takes it.

And you would think. You would think the one he would at least tell is Kerry. That the one to actually understand the most would be Kerry. I don't think any of the other love interests could get the whole engram situation like him, they don't have that personal history or connection to the code on the relic like he did after all. Kerry knew Johnny. Enough at least. But Johnny doesn't tell him, and Kerry just thinks V ghosted off on him and Johnny just lets him think that. And it just makes you wonder.. why would Johnny do that? Why would he do any of this?

[starwarsgrl77]

[spiderarchive]

[loveelizabeths]

love is what we choose to remember.

love elizabeth s.

[blindedbythedarkness]

"Haha look at these conspiracy theorists saying Covid isn't real and to stop being so afraid! What dumbassery!"

Okay but you're not wearing a mask. You understand how that's exactly what these people want right? You're giving them exactly what they want. For everyone to pretend there's no Covid anymore. Functionally, you are the same as this conspiracy theorist. Do better.

[thestrongestjewel]

uvtale soriel interaction

since tori doesn't lives in the ruins, instead of talking through a door they interact by leaving messages on an echo flower!

[0vergrowngraveyard]

Hi. I don't know if anyone has asked you this before, but what would happen to Baby Tails in Sonic Forces? How would he deal with losing Sonic and reuniting him? If you can give me an answer, story, or image, I'd appreciate it.

short answer: it’s complicated because toddlers don’t know anything

long answer:

starting this off by saying that baby tails is not alone in eggman’s territory during the six months! the resistance does take care of him! don’t worry!!!

anyway, since he’s a literal toddler, tails doesn’t really understand the concept of death. all he knows is that something big happened, everyone around him is upset, and sonic hasn’t been home in a long time

i think vanilla would be the one to explain to him what happened to sonic (or at least what they believe happened) since she’s the one who mostly watches over him during the war itself. he asks her a bunch a questions about it, trying to understand what exactly she means by “sonic is dead” as kids of that age group tend to do. he doesn’t know what “dead” is

his separation anxiety gets cranked up to 11 and he’s extremely anxious because everyone around him is feeling very big emotions all the time, and also because he missed his big bro. during the first few months of the war, he’d toddle around the resistance looking for him and would start crying when the hedgehog was no where to be found. (it’s happened to him before, y’know? people leaving and never coming back…maybe sonic left for the same reason?)

eventually, sonic does get rescued and returns to mobius. cue the wholesome reunion

sonic doesn’t hug his 8 yr old brother in the game, but he sure as hell will hug his 1-2 yr old brother if i have anything to say about it. and i have a lot to say about it

tldr: he spends his time during the war being very confused and anxious and scared because he doesn’t really understand where his big bro went. why is he gone? where did he go?

[skeleton-squid-b0y]

ever think about twelve being so sick of losing people, especially losing people because of their belief in him as a hero, like amy. so he strips off that mask and shows how cold and calculating he is willing to be with lives and he chooses a face that shows his age and stops hiding his danger behind a charming smile or a bow tie. he does it as a kindness, so Clara knows what she's getting into. and she does. and she gets into it anyway. and it makes him even more desperate not to lose her. so he breaks all of his own rules, everything he stood for because just once he didn't want to have to lose someone. he went to the end of space and time the long way round, he beat death and he betrayed the home he spent his life searching for to try save her. for once he chose what he wanted, her, over the universe.

and after all that, all he managed to do was make it so she lost him instead.

[galactic-bi-cat]

bug boy :3