#making unsafe spaces safer

[cosmicdenro]

well are you?

[alex-strike-is-transgender]

Idk if this is controversial but I'm so sick of cishet women who think the fact that they're a woman makes it impossible for them to be homophobic or transphobic. Especially if they go into queer spaces because they feel safer then get angry when girls hit on them.

[windrunner]

just spent over 30 min looking 4 the post i made months and months ago that said this so i could rb but i can't find it???

anyways i actually do love + support t/mascs. if you genuinely believe they're evil/more inclined to do bad shit (especially assault or violence) or be worse people (just b/c they happen 2 be t/masc) you can get out of my life unless you change your heart for real

not asking BTW that rhetoric is genuinely disgusting 2 me. Go

[manincaffeine]

I joined Tumblr 3 years ago. Back then, not many people were using it, but I made some really good friends here and they’re still with me. The desi Tumblr community cherished me, even though I run an 18+ blog. But over time, Tumblr has changed. Idk why, but there’s been a rise in hate, especially from anons, People are sending hate without even knowing the person behind the blog. You're judging someone based on what you see on their blog or based on your imagination, without understanding what they might be going through.

I’ve seen many of my old mutuals leave Tumblr just because of this hate. So, I want to request all anons, please don’t make someone’s life harder. Make this space safe for everyone, no matter their age. Make the desi Tumblr community a safer and more welcoming place for all.

To the recent anon: you dont know the full story. Someone’s life isnt your tea or gossip. If you have questions, come to me directly, DM me instead of digging through anon asks and disturbing others. And most importantly, don’t disturb or harass any girls here. The world outside isn’t safe for them as it is, lets not make this space unsafe too.

Stop assuming things without knowing the reality. I want to address one last thing: there are many girls here who know me well, and they know the kind of person I am. Don’t spread misleading things about me. If you have a problem with my account, you’re free to block me. I genuinely won’t mind.

[genderqueerdykes]

disabled trans person needs help fleeing unsafe housing with no heat in winter

hello, my name is johnny or equinox. i am a disabled trans person and i have another update on my situation, i am currently in a worse situation than i was before. i am staying in our gas is not turned on which means we can't cook, have no heater or hot water. the gas person was supposed to come today, but we never heard them knock. they can't come back for another week. our toilet and shower do not work. it is november and has been dipping below freezing temperatures at night and we only own one space heater. i have arthritis and this makes my pain flare up horrifically.

there are other problems as well, but the most pressing issues are the lack of heat and options to cook with and inability to bathe or use the bathroom. i need to save up money so i can find a safer situation, as i am severely disabled and cannot go without being able to cook meals for myself. i struggle with fatigue and chronic pain and can't put that much effort into meals.

I need to save up to find an alternative place to stay at. i am deeply scared and tired of living in unsafe situations. i have been in precarious housing since 2020 and am starting to have severe mental health symptoms from the trauma of repeated homelessness and abuse at the hands of manipulative roommates.

if you're interested in helping me, you can do so here:

pay pal: glittergraphicnightmare @ gmail .com

ko-fi: Equinoxian

cash app: $glitterGraphix

venmo: Equinoxian

Chime: $Equinoxian

thank you for reading and considering helping me, have a great day

[fandom-lover2]

Hope To Stay A While, Just Till The Rain Stops

Chapter Five - Is It Too Late to Go to Mom's for the Week

-image not mine-

Chapter Four - Pajama Parties Are More Fun When You're Invited

Chapter Six - Dad, We Gotta Work on Your Parenting Skills

Well, I was royally screwed.

Even if he didn’t kill me for knowing he was Batman, I’d definitely failed that business exam.

Daughter of the Prince of Gotham, and she can’t pass a simple test. How could she possibly run a company?

Well, I guess I was also Daughter of the Knight of Gotham now too.

Halfway through the exam, I was struck with the realization that Bruce being Batman meant he probably knew the Justice League. Screw that, he was a member of the Justice League!

He also knew a million ways to dump a body, probably.

Why did I have to get up? Now I was going to die, and will do so after having failed an exam.

I, stubbornly, was keeping my attention solely on the scenery passing. Alfred was playing along with my attempts, but Damian was glaring at me.

I had made sure to speak to no one today, not even my friends. If he saw me standing close to anyone, the little demon would assume I was spilling the beans and would have our dad off me.

There were still so many things I wanted to do, and now I’d never get the chance. All cause Jason and Bruce had a fight and I wanted another 3 hours of sleep.

Oh well, maybe in the next life.

Alred pulled into the garage and killed the engine. I hardly waited for him to do so before opening the door and charging from the car, my bag not even fully on my shoulder.

I’d barely made it through the door leading to the main house when Damian was grabbing my shoulders and slammed me against the wall, pressing his arm across my neck.

“Get the fuck off me you little freak!”

“You are in a hurry.” he snarled back.

I lifted my knee, and he grunted, loosening his hold on me enough that I could shove him back and high tail it out the kitchen.

“Damian!” Alfred barked.

I could hear the monster behind me as I sprinted, throwing my bag at him to try slow him down.

This wasn’t normal sibling rivalry, he was going to actually try kill me.

Alfred called out again, and I kept running.

I turned the corner, running blindly in an attempt to make it up the stairs, when I ran into something solid.

I stumbled back, almost landing on my ass before a pair of hands reached out and caught me. Looking up, I stared at Jason.

Not letting go, he looked up as Damian rounded the corner and almost collided into us.

“That little shithead wants to kill me for nothing!” I blurted, pulling myself closer into Jason.

“Todd, unhand her so I may deal with her.”

“Touch me, and I will drop kick you off the balcony.”

“Enough!” We all jumped at Bruce’s order, looking up to see him at the top of the stairs.

No one spoke, all eyes on him as he stared down at us.

I suddenly felt bad for every criminal he’d ever come across. To be trapped under that scowl was horrifying enough. To do it in the middle of the night, while he was dressed like a human sized bat and heavily armed, that was scary.

Bruce jerked his chin, eyes still locked on me.

Jason released me, but didn’t move back. Damian glared at me still.

Was Bruce safer than Damian? Right now, I felt safest with Jason. Which was saying something considering this was the longest he and I had ever shared the same space in the months I’d been here.

I glanced to said male, and he was watching me with sympathy. It was the most emotion he’d ever shown me. It was the only emotion he’d ever shown me, other than annoyance.

“You don’t have to.” he murmured.

“Will he kill me?” I whispered back, eyeing Bruce.

Jason huffed a laugh, smirking as he raised a hand to rest on my shoulder. “That goes against his code.”

“So I’m safe?”

Jason swallowed, then ducked a little to talk to me and only me. “If you feel unsafe for just a second, scream and I’ll come get you.”

When sizing up Bruce and Jason, Jason was taller and had more muscle mass. When comparing age, Bruce had more experience. When taking into consideration Bruce probably trained Jason, he lost a point there, but then gained one when I remembered the stories that Red Hood was the only masked hero who had an active record of actually killing the bad guys.

In the end, I didn’t doubt Jason coming in to save me. Nor did I doubt his ability to buy me a few seconds to get away. And so, I stepped away from him and made my way up the stairs.

Bruce led the way, to the very same office me and my mother had delivered the news to me all those weeks ago. I was beginning to hate this office.

He sat down, in the chair he sat the last time. I remained standing, close to the door he had closed.

He eyed me, and for the life of me, I couldn’t look away.

Or maybe I was being smart and kept my eyes on the enemy.

Bruce sighed when he realized I wasn’t going to be joining him in sitting.

 “My parents were murdered right in front of me when I was 7.” he started.

A shitty place to start, but with a story like this, there really wasn’t a good place was there?

“Alfred told me.” I confessed, softly.

“I assumed he would.” Bruce looked down at his hands, studying the callouses and scars. “I spent so many years being angry at the world for what it took. But then I saw I wasn’t the only one who had suffered at the hands of the criminal world of this city. And I knew I had to do something. More than what money could do.”

“So you invented Him?”

My father nodded, looking away from his hands and up to me. “I trained for many years, channeling my need for revenge into something more. And when I was ready, Batman became Gotham’s protector.”

I moved away from the door, sitting opposite my father.

“My work, it is important to me.”

Only it wasn’t work to him, it was a way of life. They only way to live.

I saw the way he held himself, like the weight of an entire world was on his shoulders. Though, I guess it was more like a whole city and occasionally the world.

“It helps me… deal with what happened. Turns the pain into something useful.”

Batman was his crutch, his way of healing the grief. Batman was his escape from the pain.

“And the boys? How do they play into this?”

Bruce took a moment before answering. “Your brothers have suffered in similar ways. I offered them a way to turn that pain into something constructive, something to help ensure it doesn’t happen again.”

This life, those masks, it shaped my family. It is my family.

I looked down to my own hand, small and smooth. I was safe, because of the work my father had done. I could go to school, go with friends to the mall, sleep soundly in the apartment with Mom, because of what my father and brothers did. The secrets they kept and the risks they took, kept me safe.

I looked to my father, and he was watching me. “I promise, I won’t tell anyone.”

“I know.” Bruce replied, standing and moving to sit beside me. “I trust you, but I need you to understand that while this life takes most of my time, I do it so you and other daughters in this city are safe. I know I make a lot of sacrifices to be The Bat, and at times we will regret the lack of time spent together, but I don’t do it because I don’t love you, but because this is what I need to do.”

“I understand, Dad.”

And I did. Yes, it hurt knowing that there would always be something else in my father’s life, something keeping his attention even if we sat watching a movie. But that was just how he showed his love, how he cared.

I could find ways to spend time with him, to catch moments in his day to keep him up to date on my life.

And now I would just relish every minute more that I spent with him.

“You can come in.” My father called, and at first I frowned, until the door opened and revealed all four of my brothers looking rather sheepish.

“Were they just spying the whole time?”

“You get used to it.” Bruce reassured, ignoring the squabble that was breaking out between Dick and Tim.

---

“You fucking died?!” I almost choked on the soda I’d been sipping, spinning to stare at Jason.

The guy shrugged, like it wasn’t a big deal. “Not the only one.” Jason added.

My Chinese takeout container was calmly placed down beside me before it went flying, sending noodles everywhere. “Who the hell else-”

Dick snorted. “Who hasn’t.”

We had all relocated to the living room, classical music playing from an old vinyl in the corner of the room.

Alfred had allowed takeout for tonight, as long as it was dubbed ‘healthy’, and somehow we’d all ended up sitting on the floor with our backs resting against the couches, blankets and Dick’s half built pillow fort scattered around us.

My brother’s had taken it upon themselves to full me in on their lives. The tragedies that had led them to Bruce, the trails and triumphs since then. And mostly, the adventures they had been on while donning the suits.

I was still waiting to see our hidden basement, and all the wonders it held.

“I don’t have a spleen.” Tim said around a mouthful of fried rice.

Dick frowned at him. “Wait, seriously?”

I readjusted, stretching my pajama clad legs. Beside me, Bruce seemed to be soaking it all in with a content smile.

“Ok, but who’s won the most fights?” I posed the question, moving to rest my head on Bruce.

He shifted further down, letting me settle my head on his shoulder comfortably, wrapping an arm around me.

“You know that’s starting a fight on purpose, right?” he whispered, and he was right as Damian began to aggressively defend his title.

I smiled at the idiocy of men. “Just keeping things interesting.”

I watched the boys argue for a time, Bruce jumping in occasionally to remind them who trained and raised them, which they dismissed.

“It’s getting late.” I mumbled eventually, catching only my father’s attention. “I’m sure it’s dark out.”

Bruce shifted, pulling me further into him. “We can take a break tonight.”

Batman was important, but family was the most important.

Things wouldn’t change much, other than the fact that I would understand a lot more, but it felt as though something was different now.

The air around us was lighter, warmer. There wasn’t this tension, the uncertainty. Everything was in the open, they were open.

Yeah, so we weren’t a normal family. So what? Who wanted normal when the alternative was an army of ninjas.

There was still lots to learn, but we were family. Messy, fighting, throwing dumplings at one another, family.

And, if Bruce refused to let me learn to fight, I had four brothers to pester. It was a no loose situation.

[thefingerfuckingfemalefury]

Banning trans women from womens spaces does absolutely nothing to keep women safe

If someone's decided to rape someone they've already decided to break the law and commit the single worst crime its possible for a human being to commit. No rapist in all of history has ever thought "I really want to rape someone but I draw the line at entering a bathroom I've been told not to go in"

Rapists don't follow laws. So anti-trans laws will do nothing to stop rapists from raping. What it will do is put trans women in increased danger of transphobic abuse, harassment, bullying and hate crimes from transphobic cis people

Banning trans women from womens spaces doesn't make women safer, it makes trans women less safe. Which is the true purpose of these laws

Saying bathroom bills protect women is like saying the Columbine shooters wouldn't have done it if only a teacher had given them detention

Full offence intended, anyone who gives a shit about the genitals of a person using a bathroom has something wrong with them. Its a room you piss and shit in. Why the FUCK do you fucking care? Just go in, do your business, mind your own goddamn business, wash your hands and leave.

I have never once, in all my years on this earth, spent my time in a public bathroom thinking "God, I sure hope the person shitting in the stall next to me has the same genitals I do, otherwise I'm UNSAFE"

Because I'm not a fucking imbecile

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

just wanted to say your posts about sex ed are super cool and epic and swag. i was informed recently that i was supposed to get sex ed sometime in the 3 years i was going to catholic school (basically my middle school years) and i was not supposed to have to learn everything from fanfiction/The Internet(TM). And they maybe shouldn't have taped closed the sex ed sections of the family life textbook. Catholic school was wild.

anyway wanted to ask how does one go about explaining kink to teens? education around kink seems like one of those things that are especially denied to young folks, and there's so much stigma around it, and it doesn't seem like there are many (if any) resources out there that keep teens in mind (which makes sense but its also infuriating! there are kids out there who feel deeply ashamed for this kind of thing!! or are practicing unsafely!!!)

hi anon,

with teens who are old enough to be kink aware and kink curious, I think the big thing is emphasizing that while there's nothing wrong with being interested in kink at a young age it is very possible that folks who are inexperienced are going to make mistakes that can be really scary and dangerous for themselves and/or their partners, a la the "choking epidemic" described by Evie Lupine here.

it's also worth noting that kink is historically something that's largely been taught and mediated through communities of kinky people, which are understandably not spaces that teens are welcomed into for the safety of everyone involved. obviously there's no stopping The Youth from getting up to whatever they want to get up to, but I think it's really important to emphasize that virtually any sexual behavior entails risk, it's going to be much safer to avoid playing with things like rope, needles and/or blood, breath, and consensual nonconsent (to name JUST A FEW!) until they're old enough to be part of spaces where people with experience can teach them how to play safely.

[iwannabeaboat]

Reflections on Masculinity

Recently I learned of a younger friend of mine dating the brother of my closest friend. It's been a habit since my teenage years to pull the new partner (almost always boyfriend) of my friends (almost always women) aside and give them the old "one wrong move and you're dead. Hurt her and I hurt you worse." It's a pattern of overprotective behavior I developed because in middle and high school I was always the only AMAB and the only outwardly "masculine" person in my friend group which was almost exclusively dreadfully misandrist AFABs. It's a behavior that was positively reinforced in me and that helped grant me acceptance in that group of the only other openly queer people in my class. Growing up in rural Maine, that small bit of safety in numbers meant a lot.

It's a behavior that I'm now ashamed of. Extremely ashamed of. I was granted acceptance as an AMAB queer person only through being performatively crueler and nastier and more genuinely awful to every man who crossed my path than anyone else. It was rude and hurtful to the men (not all of whom were bad people) and infantilizing towards my friends and disrespectful of their autonomy. The positive reinforcement helped but it was rooted in a fear of my own body and the sort of gender roles we ought to be railing against.

Why should I seek to make one person feel safer by making another feel unsafe? Why should the safety of a person require the undermining of their own autonomy? Is that not just the same patriarchal cop mentality we rail against? I still feel very protective of my friends but there is a substantial difference between walking with someone at night or walking them home or to their car and threatening another human being.

I myself often feel unsafe and unwelcome in "queer" and predominantly AFAB spaces as I myself am AMAB and tend to present fairly masc. I am misgendered constantly, given dirty looks, called a "man" derogatorily-- on occasion even by my own partner. On this very page I get asks trying to tell me off or tell me I'm secretly a trans woman for calling myself a lesbian with regards to the art and experiences I relate to most and the communities I find myself in irl.

I talk a big game in my personal life about empathy and understanding towards men and AMABs and helping them break free of toxic masculinity. I talk a big game about mentorship for younger queer people and how a lot of us have forsaken the people who need our guidance most. I've failed to live it for the cis men and AMAB enbies in my life. It's time to confront our own bioessentialism; our own cop mentalities; our own failures.

I start today by pulling the boy aside not to threaten him but to explain to him that I care a lot about the person he's now dating, give him my number, and tell him that if he's ever worried or in doubt or needs relationship advice he can call or text me any time. All we can do is be better and try to do right by each other.

[whorejolras]

Happy International Whores’ Day from your favourite whorejolras

What’s International Whores’ Day? Is that real? Yes!

Today is the 50th anniversary of the sex worker occupation of a Saint-Nizier Church in Lyon, France. Workers banded together on June 2nd to occupy the church for eight days to protest against the criminalisation of sex work (though it was technically “legalised” they still faced fines, police violence, and arrests) and unsafe working conditions created by the laws and policing in place.

Today while we remember and honour generations of workers who have fought for the safety and decriminalisation of sex work, and for our right to live free of stigma and discrimination, I am also feeling some more personal feelings about my place here as an out sex worker in this lil les mis fandom, how far we’ve come in two short years.

I was super apprehensive about outing myself when I rejoined les mis fandom space, but wanted to do it to try to challenge the attitude and hopefully make it safer for those who come after me, even when just engaging with silly little fandom spaces. Because it might be silly and small but it is significant to me for myself and other workers to be able to relax and enjoy the things we enjoy and let our guard down in our down time without being smacked in the face by stigma and discrimination and hurtful takes on things we live.

It was especially frustrating when engaging with a piece of media that depicts sex work in a nuanced, historical, and sometimes accurate but also sometimes deeply misunderstood way. It was frustrating to see people who politically agree with the themes of the novel and musical - prison abolition, political uprisings, power to the working class - and still shit on sex workers and argue with me about legalisation and criminalisation. It was fucking insulting to see people use language about a sex working character in the novel that dehumanises both her and sex workers reading their analysis.

But I’m so glad I did, that I made this page and joined communities like les mis letters, where I really felt heard and held in understanding by people who were genuinely learning from what I had to say. I’ve been so proud to see ongoing policies put in place to strive to make them safer for sex workers. I especially want to thank mod @secretmellowblog for the good work done there.

I’m so glad I decided to incorporate my own sex worker headcanons into my writing, and that this has connected me to readers who have felt seen and relieved to see a realistic and normal depiction of sex work, free from stigma and harmful stereotypes.

I am so, so, so fucking glad I created les mis if fantine had a gun on discord. In trying to make a server where sex worker sensitivity was at the core of our ethos, we made a space that has allowed so many people who I absolutely adore to learn and grow and engage with things like sexuality, as a whole and their own, gender expression, politics, drugs and harm reduction, even just sex ed and skill sharing, in an open and positive way. I am so so so proud of the people I’ve met and come to love in this space.

I knew in my heart that although a small percent of people here are bigoted, a lot of people simply didn’t know better. I believed - even when I doubted it - that if I could just be loud enough and talk to enough people and keep posting my bullshit (and occasionally get frustrated and go off at the people who said hurtful things) that maybe things could get like 5% better on this little corner of the internet.

All I wanted for myself was to be able to relax and enjoy my doomed yaoi without being hit by whorephobia every two seconds. What I’ve started, and what you’ve helped me do, is so much fucking better than that. ILY guys. Happy International Whores’ Day.

-

You can read more about IWD here.

And here. And here.

[z0mbiel0v3rr]

@itsalpenglow i thought it would be better structured to just respond with a post, this is not only targeted towards you, in this post i will further express my worries concerning cnc and kinks that revolve around aggression or some form of 'simulated' assault. I am also still new to this and learning as i’m admittedly still an inexperienced teen 

I wonder about the motives of cnc and kinks similar to it because these things have overarching effects in the long run, if you associate simulated rap3 or lack of consent with pleasure does that not ultimately change your overall perception of the concept? You (being a generic you) are risking desensitization. Even if someone insists that it won’t affect their real world understanding of boundaries, the mind is malleable, desensitization is a real possibility. Reassurance alone isn't proof that there's no impact.

If kink truly aims to be a safe, consensual, respectful environment and community, then critical discussion and evaluations should not only be allowed but encouraged. Questioning the cultural norms within kink isn’t an attack; it’s a path toward making these spaces more inclusive, safer, and less likely to unintentionally reinforce aspects of rape culture or misogyny. 

The only scenario you proposed was that of "my partner likes this, and I'm happy when they are happy". That framing positions cnc as a kink belonging to the submissive, with the dominant merely accommodating it, even in which case, my question still stands. How does one roleplay the perpetrator of a despicable act without feeling discomfort, guilt, or even revulsion? Shouldn’t they feel some level of unease and unwillingness to continue? Furthermore your response doesn't even consider the scenario where cnc is the dom / person playing the perpetrator's kink, i still wonder what gratification can be derived from that. I think its honestly quite dismissive and unsafe to compare a scenario of simulated rap3 to something as simple as doing a mundane task for someone else, like setting the bath for them. One is a favour or act of affection while the other is a complicated and controversial scenario that has the potential to be damaging or scarring. 

If you can't be bothered reading this, i’ll compile my concerns with the concept of cnc in some brief dot points: 

It may desensitize people to the trauma of real life s3xual violence.

It has the potential to reinforce harmful associations between dominance, violence, and s3xual gratification.

cnc doesn’t exist in a vacuum. We live in a world where rap3 is often minimized, disbelieved, or even eroticized in media.

Oftentimes victims struggle to be heard, and perpetrators often go unpunished. In this context, simulating rap3, even consensually, can be seen as culturally insensitive or potentially complicit in reinforcing norms that trivialize s3xual violence.

Even with consent, cnc can trigger trauma, especially for survivors of s3xual assault (sometimes unknowingly) or even cause further trauma or new trauma in those who haven't experienced sa prior 

In some cases, cnc is used as a cover for abuse, abusers may claim it was “just cnc” to excuse coercive or non-consensual behavior.

Vulnerable or less experienced partners may feel pressured into participating to “prove” trust, submission or to even compete and prove themselves to fit into the role of being kinky and fun 

The concept still begs the question What does it mean if someone enjoys playing the role of a rap1st? Whether its their idea or not

[juniperpyre]

Please could you help explain why and how you feel Lily and James got together initially, then stayed together? I couldn't decide what she'd see in him enough to date or to marry. My hope is to give them thoughtful validation as a couple.

good question!

so one, there's a lot of space for us to fill this in. canonically, all we see of james and lily together is SWM and then photos of them. we know they were head boy and girl and we know they joined the order.

in SWM we see they both have a bit of a mean streak (lily's insults aren't morally wrong but like, unnecessary.) and can be quite cold when angry. until something Really pisses them off.

we could also think they have some similar humor, since lily almost smiles at sev getting robes'd. moreover, lily focuses on james rather than sirius, or talking to severus. she uses really poor de-escalation techniques lmao. to me, that demonstrates an attraction on her side. a pull

that's my general view of what is directly stated or heavily implied in canon.

i think people go too logical when explaining lily's desire for james. like every step or the journey needs to make sense and be morally correct. maybe she just wanted him. maybe his intelligence and humor and loyalty to his friends was attractive, and they had chemistry, and she just wanted him.

details under the cut

so she denies this for a while, bc of sev, and then bc of her pride, but it's there, and bc of their natural connection, they're drawn together frequently. esp in the 6th year, when lily stops hanging out with sev.

like haven't you ever just wanted someone bad? unexplainable. but it's there and it's strong. haven't you ever fucked someone and it was so good that you were like, dizzy for three days after? like i imagine jily had that level of chemistry. and lily, who would feel so alone and isolated, unsafe, and abandoned now has this attractive, demonstrably loyal, protective, and magically gifted, athletic, funny man who wants to be with her, and give her everything he believes a man should give a woman he's with. which, since james is an Honorable, Chivalrous Gryffindor, means protecting her, doting on her, worshipping at her feet basically, while also being confident and a leader and not a pushover.

yes, he can be cruel, but she sees the cruelty directed at people who've hurt her and her friends. yes, he's pigheaded, but he is smarter and more talented than most of their classmates. and he always takes her mind and abilities seriously. he's never cruel to her, and, as he grows older (6th year) i think he stops being cruel to people weaker than him. i think once james became a teenager he def was not cruel to girls, and that he wouldn't go after students more than a year or two younger than him. he has a code of honor.

i imagine he took being head boy seriously, bc it gave him the power to make hogwarts somewhat safer for vulnerable students, which he thought was important.

i think lily knew by the end of their sixth year that she would be safe with him, on top of the attraction and compatibility they already had. what more could someone ask for?

the summer after 5th year i imagine james spend a lot of time talking to his dad about the bad things that happened that year, james' own guilt he'd been pushing down, and how he wanted to be a man like his father but was worried, and now, for the first time admits that he might not be good enough.

so i think james just works on himself. severus never worked on becoming a better person and owned up to his mistakes (while lily lived). most people don't, really. i think that summer was a low point for lily, and i think in her 6th year she continued to lash out at and test her friends.

she did lash out at james, and james reacted with guilt and shame for what he'd done. it shocked lily. i think james was really patient with her. he was used to sirius, who i'm sure what behaving worse due to he trauma that caused him to leave his house and leaving his whole family behind in general. sirius had space to heal w james and his parents, and james understood that people need love and safety to heal.

so he tried to give lily that! as a friend! as a part of his own growth!

and they learned about each other through the process. james learned some harsh truths of being muggleborn. lily got a reframing of sev vs marauders. and eventually they were both a safe place for each other. i see them as a slowly, then all at once kind of couple. they really fell in love before they dated, because after they became friends and started to form a close, deep bond, the love came. little touches, always being oriented towards the other, remembering schedules, laughing at their bad jokes. and then they spend the summer of 77 together, mostly.

on james' side, i think seeing a beautiful, vivacious, talented girl and slowly working to charm her is like, his mo. he likes a challenge. they both like to argue. and as they get to know each other and he sees. the complexity of loving lily he adores her even more. figuring out little things to make her life better becomes a challenge, and she likes to withhold and be difficult, for the fun of it, and sometimes out of fear. james likes both parts. bc he loves to win and he loves to be the space person for her.

i think lily also offers this blend of compassion, kindness, and honesty that appeals to james. his parents are too soft and sirius doesn't care to have in-depth complex convos about feelings, at least not often. lily enjoys helping him work through the feelings, and being an emotional rock for him. i think he offers something similar, but more like a resting place. i think seeing this side of james also makes lily fall deep in love w him.

so yea that's it :)

[mommybard]

Hi Mommy!

Do you have any advice/thoughts on finding people in the kinky community to date?

I have my beautiful, wonderful partner and we do share a lot of the same kinks but there's some she doesn't like. I'd love to like meet people in general (imma huge introvert) but also to date. I am polyam and haven't dated much beyond my partner. (and yes being off anon would help lol)

Anyway, thank you! Keep being you.

🌿

I want to preface this with the fact that I have fumbled my way into damn near every relationship I've ever been in, usually with me being fucking oblivious that the other person was into me and wasn't just like...playfully flirting until they just fully admit to wanting to date and my response is usually just going sure let's try it. So my experience here for the dating aspect is more through other people/being part of communities.

That being said, my main advice would be to reach out to your local scene. Most cities have at least one if not more, with each usually centered around a few clubs or dungeons. They tend to be pretty welcoming to people, though from personal experience def feel the waters and see if its like a safe healthy place first, before opening yourself to dating there. There are plenty of healthy communities accepting all body types and accepting the many varieties of gender and gender expression people have. There are other ones that go hard on bioessentialism or nonsense like only skinny subs are wanted or other shitty behaviors. Avoid the latter.

A lot of the safer communities have like, a vetting process where they kinda wanna get a feel of you first before fully welcoming. That's done mostly to protect their communities. They want to make sure you're there for ethical kink, to become a safe and healthy member of their community, and so they can keep unsafe people or abusers out of those spaces.

If you are okay with long distance stuff, there are plenty of places online where kinksters gather. That can be a bit varied on the experience based on who's running the place you're gathering and what else is going on in it. Discords, Reddit Communities, Bluesky Communities, some forums are still running for kinksters to join, etc etc. If you already have some friends into kink, ask em if they're personally a part of any of them and they might be able to shoot you a direct invite. I personally tend to lean more for the spaces that talk about things outside of just kink, cause it gives you a chance to nerd out about your special interest or hobbies and hopefully find a connection to others there. I've seen quite a few people nerd about something nonkink related together in kink servers and then like a few weeks later get a "Oh we're dating now" update.

From one introvert to another, I know it sucks that the advice is basically "Put yourself out there!" but like...and I can't believe I'm saying this, the extroverts may possibly have a point with that SINGLE PIECE OF ADVICE. At least until I can find a better way and prove them wrong.

[hellyeahscarleteen]

We all have lifting to do to make gyms safer spaces

Data supports the lived experiences of many femme presenting and queer folx who feel unsafe at gyms. So, what is there to do to contribute to making these spaces safer?

If you see someone being harassed and they are your acquaintance, ask in private about what is going on to check if it is indeed what you believed you saw, and if it is inappropriate, tell this person that they have your support. For example, you can call this person to other parts of the gym as if you wanted to say something or need help with an exercise. Tell them that they can be your training partner⁠ or even go in a group; numbers intimidate harassers who tend to pick their victims when they are by themselves.

If you know the harasser and have a somewhat non-aggressive⁠ relationship⁠ with them, explain that what they are doing to others is not right and that they should stop and do better... If you don’t know anyone involved, you still can step in. Try to use the machine, and ask for a train on it while they rest from their series. Try to engage in small talk or pretend that you need help understanding what you have to do from your training schedule since many are unfamiliar with the names of the exercises and machines.

The victim may try to make eye contact with you, even indicating that something isn’t right or that they aren’t very comfortable; if you see an opening, tell them that they can call you up if there are any difficulties with their training program if the target of harassment needs someone to load the weights in the equipment or rack them to where they belong. Remember that harassers like to isolate their prey, so they avoid duos or groups. If you don’t feel comfortable mentioning the harassment, let them know that you are available to help whenever they need it.

If you, yourself, are being harassed, there is a range of possible responses to harassment. Click the link below to learn or brush up on approaches to take if you are ever in a situation where you or another person at the gym is being harassed.

[translifetips]

Are you transgender and scared of the future of America? Here is how you can keep yourself safe.

The results of this election are not at all what we expected or wanted them to be. While this is incredibly unfair and there is a strong likely hood that Trump cheated, we must move on. The government, and our country has failed us. The next four years are looking to be very dark for people of color, women, immigrants, queer and transgender people. These times are very frightening, but we still have time before things change. Trump will not be in office until inauguration day, which is Monday, the 20th of January 2025. While we do not know exactly what will happen to transgender people after Trump is in office, project 2025 is stated to remove protections of LGBTQ+ individuals.

So, what can transgender people in America do to stay safe in Trump's America? First, know the safety of where you live. Many states, even states that were red in this election, have laws that protect transgender individuals in hate crime laws, and how they regulate gender. Lgbtmaps is a wonderful resource to figure out if your state is safe. If you live in a state that is generally not safe for transgender people and moving somewhere safer (such as states in New England, New York, California etc.) is an option, you should do so now. For those that live in unsafe areas and cannot leave, you still have options.

If you are on HRT, consider stockpiling your hormones. Testosterone and estrogen can be purchased online. This site can show you how to get hormones online. IF you purchase hormones online, be cautious and do your research on the website you are purchasing from. If you can, use a prepaid visa card instead of a credit or debit card. Producing your own hormones is an option, but this should be a LAST RESORT option. Passing, though unnecessary in trans places, will become extremely important as aggression against transgender people becomes more rampant under Trump's reign.

For transgender men, consider binding using trans-tape or KT tape (around $5 at Walmart for the generic brand) instead of using a binder. Using tape is generally safer, you can wear it 24/7 without having to take binding breaks. If you decide to wear tape instead of a binder, watch a tutorial before using. Packing may also be necessary, using something as simple as a folded pair of socks can give the illusion of being male. Do not fear using the men's bathroom, most cisgender men are stupid don't know transgender men exist, let alone use their bathrooms. Using a 'stand to pee' device may be helpful, but most men do not think anything of a man peeing sitting down (if you are questioned, you have diarrhea).

For transgender women, you can wear a face mask in public if you have traces of facial hair, this can also help to disguise your voice. Tucking generally will make or break your passing, but you can wear loose clothing such as skirts and dresses as an alternative. Since I am not a transgender woman, I don't have all of the tips and tricks that transgender women might have, if you have specific questions for passing in female spaces there are resources such as the mtf subreddit where you can get advice from people who are in the same place you are.

This is also the time to change your name, and if possible, your sex, on your id and birth certificate. Changing your name is a relatively easy process in most states, and most states do not require publication of name change statements. Your state's government website should have information about how you can change your name. In 2022 and living in Massachusetts, it took me just a few days for my name change to be finalized, though this will differ based on where you live.

If you live in one of the twenty-five states that allows it, you can even amend your birth certificate to show your preferred sex without even having sex reassignment surgery! This process, at least for me, was somewhat of a lengthy process but the result is your future employers never needing to know that you are transgender. Most cisgender people do not even know that this is an option. This will be easiest for people who have a diagnosis of gender dysphoria from a doctor, but if you are on HRT, you already have that. Specific states have different laws and processes, so be sure to check your state's government website for what you need and how to go about it. I underwent this process in Massachusetts, so if you have any questions about how this looks in Massachusetts, send me a message.

Most states allow gender markers on IDs to be changed, some even allow an 'X' to be marked instead of 'M' or 'F'.

Overall, be safe and careful. These are just tips on what you can do now while things are still safe. There is no telling what the future will hold, but we can control the present. To all of my trans siblings, we will get through this. The world is a better place with you in it. Do not let them take away your identity. Be there for your friends. If anyone needs help or just someone to talk to, my inbox is open.

If you are struggling crisis lines are available: Call 988- Suicide and crisis lifeline

Text 'TALK' to 741-741- Crisis text line

Call 1-866-488-7386- Trevor Project lifeline

Text START to 678-678- Trevor Project text line

Call 1-877-360-LGBT (5428)- LGBT crisis lifeline

Call 1-877-565-8860- Trans lifeline

[drdemonprince]

Hello! You have opened a fascinating door into kink communities I didn't even know existed. Thanks for that. I was describing some of your steamworks adventures to my partner, who works as a Disease Intervention Specialist (aka DIS, a government healthcare worker who administers free/low-cost STD testing and then attempts to track down and notify+test the recent sexual partners of any infected individuals). (He brings some INSANE stories home from work and gets to give sex ed talks at the local Christian college using a model penis that actually ejaculates--but I digress.) He was horrified by the hypothetical situation where an infected person could have blindfolded sex with an unknown number of nameless strangers. It's hard enough trying to track down partners when the patient only knew them by their Grindr username. How do you have safe sex in these situations? Some STDs can be transmitted via skin-to-skin contact even with a condom. Do venues like steamworks enforce any rules around testing/protection/etc.?

If your partner is 'horrified' by the actual sex lives of the populations he ostensibly serves I think he needs to read more from harm reductionist thinkers and queer activists from a variety of past eras and work on processing his feelings of judgement to ensure it doesn't impact his actions in that line of work.

The books and Melancholia and Moralism, Saving Our Own Lives, and Beyond Shame: Reclaiming the Abandoned History of Radical Gay Sexuality are good places to start.

If you're having anonymous or blindfolded sex in cruising spaces, one route of managing risks is to assume that every person there could be infected with STIs you do not have and to plan accordingly. Vaccines, condoms, PreP, testing, and education are just some of the tools at one's disposal, and one should always be cognizant of the risks that one is consenting to. Steamworks has sexual health educators and testers present within their space regularly, but they don't gatekeep based on serostatus, health status, drug regimen or use of protection -- doing so wouldn't be feasible and would be problematic on multiple grounds.

I don't believe the goal of a public health initiative or a life well lived is to eliminate all risk, or to regard the presence of any infection in any human body as unacceptable, but rather to empower people to make informed decisions about the level of risk they are comfortable confronting, or that is worth the numerous benefits to them.

Personally, I was in far greater danger when I didn't have access to such spaces. Cruising spaces make negotiating sexual consent far safer than privately dating and hooking up with someone, and Steamworks are vitally important queer community spaces, and for me are well worth the trade off. No one should have any illusions about this ever being an experience that they can eliminate all risk from, rather they should anticipate it and plan for it.

I think "safe sex" is an unhelpful framework to pursue because it is so binary and can't ever be guaranteed. What does safety mean? Which types of exposures do we consider to be "unsafe"? Am I unsafe if I encounter another person who, like me, has had a cold sore before, like 80% of the population? Or someone who has a strain of HPV I am vaccinated against? What about if I have an encounter with somebody with a cold? I'm "safer" being fucked by an HIV positive person who is undetectable and wearing a condom than I am having barrier free sex with a long term partner who cheats. I can't even know I'm taking a risk in the latter case; at Steamworks, I'm assuming my risk level to be on the high end and planning accordingly.

I understand that testing and tracing are important parts of public health for our populations. It was vitally important when monkeypox broke out. Maybe Steamworks should collect member emails and alert them if there was a reported transmission on a night that they visited. Though even then, there are some negative public health implications to dozens of people panicking. But there is no means of eliminating all risk entirely or tracing all human sexual behavior and I would be myself pretty horrified if there was.