#think I need to get back to journaling
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I’m up for work in 5 hours and of course my brain picks now to overthink things! Ugh! I can tell sleep is going to be in short supply tonight 🙃
#going to be a tiring day#like my mind has overthought throughout the day but like why now go into overdrive#ugh#life/money/romance/loneliness… it's all going on in there today#think I need to get back to journaling#a place to put all these thoughts instead of ruminating over them again and again#I'll see#anyway no oneones reading these so I'm just rambling away#personal
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pvp civ nation...... this aint much but pls take my contribution for this series bc im going insane i love hate this man so much get him out of my head
#pvp civilization#pvp civ#I'LL MAKE A PROPER ONE I SWEARR I JUST NEED TO GET THIS OUT OF MYSYSTEM FIRST#if it turns out he gets a bad ending in ep 6 i dont think i'll be ok like#he deserves a good ending . or a villain arc at least. he deserves to go batshit crazy after how everyone treated him#ALSOO the chekovs gun video journal device thing?? The excessive 4th wall breaking?#Is it just me or does jt feel like evbo is gonna lose his memory/already lost his memory and was sent to the wood sword lvl with tabi#or like . Idk?? It feels kind of truman show ish. Well maybe not that but its just the vibe im getting w the way that everyone has their-#-own secrets. How the diamond swords seems to know who evbo n tabi is. How princezam knows about the diamond swords#and then theres also parrot whos just?? Weird overall?? Idk whats going on w him but i need to know his backstory wdym u think evbo will-#-hate you if he knows what you did??#ANYWAY BACK TO THE VIDEO JOURNAL AND POTENTIAL MEMORY LOSS.#I dont want jt to go that way (mostly bc i dont want to see evbo suffer more than he already did) but it rlly does seem like its heading to#that direction w the way that it also has become a way to narrate what he went through (ie when the ep shows his attempts to beat the-#gold sword lvl but hes narrating it from the future. from his video journal. where he already beat the lvl)#im going insane#Wait also what i meant by the truman show vibe in relation to the excessive 4th wall breaks it makes it sound like pvp civ is just a -#simulation#wait i just remembered its the matrix not that mb umm#anyways.#empty chattering#kokotehart
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I have what you're looking for. High quality. Befitting a man of my tastes. I have a room over on Divisadero, not too far a walk.
#iwtv#interview with the vampire#iwtv amc#daniel molloy#louis de pointe du lac#danlou#iwtvedit#tvedit#dailyflicks#*#dont know if i can articulate my thoughts well#but something about how daniel at first is so closed off from louis when he sits down near him#doesnt really want to talk at first but starts opening up pretty quickly#then louis is buying him a drink and it's easier to talk. mostly what he wants to talk about is his journalism work#because its so important to him. but when louis starts getting too personal (i know what you're here for danny) he starts backing off again#maybe some combo of shame for how quickly he felt attracted to louis and the flirting and the diminutive louis uses#the bartender uses it when asking if hes got money tonight. hes used to exchanging sex for things he needs but cant afford#above all it's like a sharp reminder of what louis wants & what daniel wants too even before the offer of drugs#and he's trying to hold onto the denial and excuses. it was a good place to score he did what he had to#sex with men has to be in exchange for something he can't just want it on its own#the lie he tells himself about himself#also these tags are getting long but i think you can see the moment louis decides he might not just fuck and kill this guy right away lmao
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In Stars and Disco
(Disco side of the swap)
#in stars and time#ISAT#Odile#Siffrin#Isabeau#Mirabelle#Bonnie#disco elysium#The origins of this crossover came from my playthrough journal in which I wrote down “I think Siffrin should play disco elysium”#Something about failing forwards in general - but some scenes would *shatter* them. Maybe in a good way.#I think they would get to the first dream and need a few months before picking it back up again.#I am not sure if the developer of ISAT has played dDisco Elysium but Odile & Siffrin as a duo have strong HBD & Kim vibes.#Which I am so here for. Accidently or purposefully - it scratches an itch I never thought I would get scratched again.#Both are really good games with gutpunching writing and I want to spread the word. I am doing my part!#Yeah I put Bonnie as Cuno. I know exactly what I'm doing.#Isa is Titus - hard to tell because I gave up on drawing the hat.#This AU in any form is really fun to write comics for so I will be back.#Thanks to all the ISAT fans who have been really friendly so far! Hello hello!
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I tried drawing reeda because I love her. I have no idea what you had in mind for her design so I just re-read the chapter and went off of what your description was the best that I could. She gives me Painter vibes from pressure
I LOVE THISSSSSSSSSSSSS THANK YOU!!!!!! Ford absolutely has a mini monitor like this in each room so he can see its messages!
Honestly REEDA's main design in my head fits Ford's lab, so it's a very retro cassette-futuristic style like you've illustrated. Think: how did people imagine the future was going to look in 197-something. All Commodores and IBM and thick plastic etc.
Ford's lab in mtb is designed with that exact aesthetic in mind, so terminals and things like this were at the forefront of my mind:
These types of terminals are primarily in the mainframe room that Reader goes through to access the lab. It's all set up with things like the above. Whereas REEDA's central screens in the main body of the lab look more like the ones in The Forbin Project:
Except they're a mix of both of those aesthetics, so they're weirdly long CRT monitors suspended in a similar layout to the above!
Here's another ss from Forbin bc it works along similar lines! And also it's a great movie and you should watch it!
#i really honestly think Ford's favourite movie is Alien#and so in mtb he just wanted a cool Nostromo type lab#and i thought the idea was funny and cute and in character so#also b u t t o n s#i think he's also incredibly nostalgic for a time he left behind and even though he dislikes tech when he leaves#he HAS to make use of it in alternate dimensions so grows a grudging acceptance for it#and i think he's AWFUL with earth tech and when he comes back and sees how minimalist everything is he hates it even more#but he's forced to engage with alien tech in his travels so he becomes used to it a bit more#and so he combines that aesthetic nostalgia with the advanced ability of alien tech#which is how he designs his lab#he prefers old-style ways of recording (his journals) but he knows he HAS to make use of digital record keeping to some extent#and he's come to understand its applications in foreign environments#so while he still records everything on paper#he utilises other aspects of tech if he has to#but he complains about it the whole time and he'd really just be happy with 8000 filing cabinets of a4 and a biro#but really considering all the information he retains and works on it means he needs a specialist set up#anyways shut UP fox we get it you like worldbuilding for this guy UGH enough#asks#ford asks#wb#mtb stuff#ALSO we do see that he makes use of tech in LL and so I think he makes himself get on with it where he has to#just to defend myself a bit#bc i know some people think he'd be very tech-phobic in general#but i disagree to a certain extent#like yes but actually also no#AND remember that Fidds installed REEDA#ford had no say in it#he just begrudgingly goes along with it and gradually learns that actually its quite useful (though he won't admit it)#anways I digress that was a real tirade for no real reason im just very passionate about Ford's experiences with alien tech
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sorry to be a bit of a hater but i do wish youtubers weren't so scared of making their videos just like, "reviews", whys everything gotta be a "video essay" all the time. every day my recommendations are filled with 40 minute videos titled "_____: An Underrated Masterpiece" where the first like five minutes are reading the wikipedia definition of "masterpiece" in a somber voice with dramatic themed text on screen. please just tell me how good or bad you think something is and use the rest of the runtime to explain why. you dont need to put on all these airs
#i know the ahem. channel. of some awe....... that whole situation kind of scared people off from using the word review#but like we live in the future now. you can make a review. i believe in you#AND LIKE i like a good video essay!! but im picky. because i read academic shit for fun#when i see a capital E essay im expecting theses. im expecting sub headers. im expecting multiple examples AND footnotes with asides#(and i know this is a controversial topic but i do expect them to be long. because if you read aloud a 4 page journal article its gonna)#(take a bit of time LOL maybe i just read too much academia shit. but i dunno man. theres not a lot you can say about like a big huge)#(topic with multiple angles if you only have like 10 minutes. maybe i just talk too slow. i need to breath <3 )#theres other formats too. surveys. retrospectives. informative essays. persuasive essays. etc#and like i also read lots of reviews not just of like movies and books but of like gallery exhibitions and shit!! they can be extremely#interesting a lot of work and some really beautiful writing!! nothing wrong with a review!!! theyre important#but i do get annoyed with like. the odd air of pretention i see in a lot of video essays. especially cause its usually not backed up by#the content. i dont care for those airs in academia either. nor do i like it in documentaries#just talk naturally. you'll find your voice. there might be pretention in it in the end but it'll be yours#if im making sense. i hear a lot of people talking in a pretention that is not their own. something they put on because thats what they#think they should do. you need to find your own pretention. be pretentious in a way that feels natural to youuuuuu#hell im being pretentious. about this LOL but like its my own. it is a pretentiousness ive built over the past half decade#play around. write a blog. i dunno. find your voice dear youtubers. find your voice
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how it feels to be around safe people and your nervous system healing because of that:
And this is me and God fr (He makes me so childlike as well as me feeling so childlike around the other safe people bc that’s the Gospel in them! Like many days i am just smiling and giggling over the littlest things because i’m being shown love and i am able to recieve that and in turn my joy is full of love too and that’s all i have to give out as i process all of this)
#LIKE A CHILD#CANT GET OVER IT OR STOP TALKING/THINKING AB IT#HIS LOVE IS SO HEALING#ITS SO PRECIOUS#Honestly so much ab me is childlike i have such a childlike/silly personality too and i love that!!#I love people and Christ/gospel centered relationships… how He works thru others HELP ITS TOO GOOD#My acc rly is js one giant testimony God’s love for me 🥹🥹🥹🥹❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹#So much joy and i got so much physical endurance back too omg i used to be exhausted & now i’m not anymore 🥹#So much freedom in Christ/the gospel#Expressing myself thru memes >>>>>#feastingonchrist#christianity#jesus christ#freedom in christ#christian#The gospel#the crucifixion of jesus christ#Skippyjon jones#Louise belcher#bob belcher#bobs burgers#I’m just wide awake thinking ab this 😭 i need to print out these memes atp and journal ab it….#Nervous system healing#Trauma healing#trauma recovery#the power of the gospel
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Buying puppy stuff tomorrow 💙🩵💙🩵💙
#i need a smaller crate and a leash/collar#some food and treats too#and pubby pads#but that's it i think#least till i get her back home ahhh#jackal's journal#shampoo and brush
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oh yea.. its all coming together
#now i just have to code the stupid thing#idk why my brain is procrastinating thatpart bc once i get started its pretty smooth from there. i just Dont Wanna#i mean i guess i could make the graphics before actually coding it but i should probably do the code first#i need extra time to make sure everything is laid out the way i want it before i start decorating ugh#i know theres a way to like hide and show an element without redirecting to another page so it doesnt have to reload all the time#but i cant remember how to do it..... i wanna use that for my journal entries so i dont have to manually update the entries section#each time i post a new journal entry. either that or i can have smth that lets me change the content without opening the html#all pages should link back to the homepage cuz i wanna keep the nav in one place..#cursor should have a neutral and hover sprite which should be easy.. and i was thinking of using dither me this for images#to give it an old win98 effect + the vhs overlay#yapping#diary#wip#oh shit and i need to make smth to redirect to the oc hub
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Does anyone else automatically size themselves up with people their age and look for ways that you’re inferior to them? Just me? Ok….
#the reasons why I think like this are…complicated#honestly a lot to do with the#adhd struggle bus#surprise surprise the neurodevelopmental condition has overarching and very specific effects on my life and how I interact with the world#of course disclaimer that this weird thing I have is not inherent to adhd#but maybe is a way of thinking I developed in part due to it#this is a me thing if anyone else relates to this fine but you don’t have to#I think thi oversharing series is a way for me to microdose journaling#I try to get into journaling but I have way too many thoughts#it’s all or nothing either I write nothing or I spend 3 hours documenting everything thought I had that week#I think a lot of this has to do with my persistent issues with time management#and I’ve tried to hide this struggle in a lot of ways because ngl it’s embarrassing#to the point where I held myself back from doing certain things I wanted to do because ‘hmm could you handle it though you’re already#struggling to manage in school with the bare minimum. maybe you just suck’#and this is probably because I went to a college prep school so yeah#there were 14 year olds taking multivariable calculus and people with various talents#to say that I was intimidated would be an understatement. it’s strange because while in middle school my self esteem was decent it dropped#in high school like how stock prices dropped in the beginning of Covid#even though I was like an ok kid I somehow convinced myself that I was dumb and inept#all because I struggled with one area in my life#honestly I’m not sure if I can paint a clear picture of this time. for one#memories are complex. but I do remember feeling that way and needing a lot of support to be hyped up#fuck#I’m now remembering how my aunt used to be that person. she was my cheerleader growing up and practically raised me in childhood#she passed away from cancer right when I turned 15#shit I’m crying now#during this time in my life I needed a lot of reassurance since I took any small failure as a sign from the universe that I was indeed inept#it was her and my middle school friend who used to rant to me about dragon ball and pewdiepie that hyped me up#my parents were a mixed bag. unfortunately they too sorta overreacted to things like getting a B in math. they used to make me feel like#uchiha-gaeshi overshares
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In regards to lrb I was actually talking to my partner last night about how it's a little...weird, my ship with Arthur. There's basically ZERO room for angst of any kind, it's all just fluff and comfort and it's sweet and saccharine 🥺💖 and I LOVE that!!
#jane journals#self insert talk#🎄 my christmas wish 🎄#i mean ofc theres the brief bit where i think arthur ghosts me#but that gets resolved fairly quickly!!#and occasionally i think arthur does actually get REALLY sad about the way hes been treated#all of that. its gotta get to him sometimes#he always keeps a smile on his face but hes able to cry around me and just be held and reassured that hes loved 💖💖💖#other than that! theres no drama! much UNLIKE my star wars ships 😂😂#honestly if i want angst i can think about those but arthur was rly what i needed#i was really sad for a while and the warmth of his heart brought me back
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sometimes you need to have life-altering realizations, cry about them, and then move on be fine and figure something else out
#my job is not sustainable with my health#which is. incredibly fucking devastating if im being real!#ive already given up every other dream I ever had because they were unattainable due to disability#and then I found this job that I love so so so much and could picture doing for the rest of my life#only to have more disability stuff pop up and nope! this isnt gonna work as a career either#and that is. devastating#in a word#but.#im gonna figure it out#im thinking of going back to uni maybe#I dont know#im thinking of either doing a hard pivot into sciences and going into wildlife biology to work with bears#or maybe going to a different college for journalism#im not planning on leaving my job anytime soon#but I need to plan for the future#I could also maybe stay working in schools and be a clerk#we'll see#lots to figure out#cried a lot about it#trying to focus on the future now and not get bogged down in my feelings
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HonestlyIm going to watch lost
#When I was 13 I used to come home from school and watch one episode of tv on my school laptop and journal I need to get back to that#But episodes of lost after work#I could manage 0ne per day so fine Id reallt have time to think about it that way too
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#probably my last sunny walk at home :(#keeeeellll meeeee#i think one of the things i hate about going back to uni is not being able to experience autumn and winter at home like i used to#it’s weird because i’ve always loved them and considered them my favourite seasons.#but last year (and now this year) i’m realizing that oh! i think it’s because i got to come home after a long day and be in a safe familiar#space. and at uni everything is still a bit unfamiliar and not very comforting so the long cold days get so much harder#but i will surviveeeeeee#counting on gilmore girls to get me through it!! and also love is blind s7. i LOVE having things to look forward to every week it makes tim#fly by so fast. last yr every friday night was reserved for me and i ate frozen pizza or takeout and/or my favourite snacks and#watch my comfort films :( i cooked a lot those nights too 2 save money but yeah. it was rlly nice to have that comfy safe time to myself#i think it rlly got me thru uni.#ik it’s gonna be so hard to get back into a routine but im trying to tell myself that i need to like. focus on the basics first. adulting#can be so hard & i wanna do everything at once! i wanna b perfect in all areas. always do my hobbies. etc etc but i#i couldnt even get out of bed to make myself meals sometimes 💔 so i need to like remember if i don’t journal or read a whole book in a day#not the end of the world. and most importantly i need to be EATING and staying active and SLEEPING FIRST and foremost cause then hopefully#i won’t feel like a zombie.#okay anyways.#feeling sad feeling tired feeling unmotivated but also feeling a teensy bit excited for finally BEING ALONE!!!!#i have my cardiologist appt tmrw so maybe that’s why i feel so yuck also. just thinking abt it makes me wanna throw up#i hope everything goes well#anyways bye bye#♡ dear diary…
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#tag talk#so I'm back on fetlife rn and honestly I'm just gonna treat it like more blogging.#it's taken two days of digging but I've finally found the misfit autists who write poetry and journal their thoughts and I'm pretty stoked#sad divorced men who are rethinking their entire lives and Definitely aren't trans. really definitely aren't trans.#they just wanna be pretty women for Other Totally Unrelated Reasons.#anyway. I don't love being so visible but it's nice because that means other people are visible too. and I LOVE stalking people online#been thinking a lot about the post I saw on here a while back that was like “some people need to stop posting all their thoughts online”#and respectfully fuck off. I want to know how other people think and I can't just submit questionnaires to everyone#so it's nice when I get to see people's thoughts because then I can see how other people think and compare it to how I think.#I love people watching but it's harder on the internet because there's this layer of artificial aesthetic polluting all the data#this layer of performance. of polish. of edited appearances.#I just wanna see how other people behave. I learn by watching.#so it's nice to be able to click on someone's profile and see all their pics and posts and likes and comments and groups and friends and sh#because then i get to see an entire chunk of someone's life and social interactions all linked to a central hub. and that's so fucking cool#like... so much data to gather. so much to look at and think about. it's so fascinating.#and originally I didn't vibe with it but I've gotten more familiar with the setup and have developed a method for navigating the site.#so now I'm just opening up 20 million tabs to check out for later every time I see something new. I have learned So Many Things#I've always thought the “carve your name into my skin” people were meh. but it feels different when a thirty-something divorced man does it#there's a specific type of self-aware autistic guy that I fucking love so much. that's my drug
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Not actually caring about if a character is OOC is like pure freedom because I get to ship Samuel and Jasper for no reason other than I think they'd enable each other soooo much and it'd be funny
#did you guys know I only realize the gem that was Jasper x Samuel when I was trying to figure out who'd be Thanos and Namgyu#squid game had me in chokehold before SB so i think the AU was just a natural thought#My favorite crashouts#they're the type of couple to have the nastiest breakup ever like plates are thrown and somebody is getting beaten#but within 2 hours they get right back together and it's the biggest whiplash#🦋journal#baron x Jasper is my number 2 because I think Jasper just needs to have a white twink in his life to be fulfilled#i say this but I'll get moments of clarity where I realize I'm fangirling over fictional men kissing and that maybe I should go outside
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