#toxic parenting

[galactic-rhea]

Do you guys ever think about how the generational cycles of abuse slowly crumble in The Simpsons? Do you ever think about it?

I love The Simpsons, and by no means it's supposed to be taken as a show that takes itself seriously, because it doesn't. But yet it handles heavy themes, it does handle strong subjects, particularly first seasons had certain, strong character's driven episodes meant to actually make you take it seriously. Even later seasons, albeit it becomes less and less of a thing (it becomes a bit heartless), has certain episodes like that. And is what makes The Simpsons a bit unique on the adult shows landmine.

Not to say it's completely original on this, because The Simpsons come from an era where sitcoms were everywhere, and sitcoms tend to be 70% comedy and then a few strong, heart-felt moments. This is because to keep you laughing, you need downs, otherwise, joke after joke after joke, you get a monotone story were there's no stakes nor pauses between a punchline and another. Comedy needs a tiny bit of seriousness, so you feel your feet on the ground, and then they will throw at you a joke, that, if is well written, is meant to surprise you, you don't see it coming. In the Simpsons, many of the classic jokes you remember best? You don't see them coming, not really, because the way they wrote the jokes in the simpsons is actually very clever, if I were to graph them, there would be several curves and points because they're jokes within jokes within jokes.

And then is a bit of dark humour, that is meant to reasonate with the audience somehow. So you laugh a bit at the fact that Homer's dad let him drink beer just so he would stop bothering him, but then the show makes you care, sometimes, about Homer being extremely hostile with his very old dad. But then you also laugh at the fact Homer's mom was a hippie, a rebel hippie, at that, that took him to Woodstock and is one of Homer's happiest memories of his childhood, and then you don't expect her literally dying.

And returning, in a way, just because she wants Homer and his family to continue what she started, and the show makes you care, the show makes you feel for the characters. Because Abe is a war veteran, he was awful to Homer and to his wife, but you also know he cared, and you also feel bad because he lives in a retirement home and wants to live with Homer and his family, but Homer will literally start the engine and leave him there, and at his age, he doesn't deserve that, but what does he deserve? Should Homer forgive him for everything? No, not really, you don't have to forgive abusers, but then it gets messy and complex because abusers don't deserve to be abused.

Homer, however, does forgive Abe, sometimes (and because of the nature of the show, it gets retconned, or forgotten, or brushed away, and etc). But more interestingly, he forgives his mom. Homer's mom was a much nicer parent, she was kind and Homer's refuge for happiness, so it's easy to forgive her, despite the fact that leaving Homer with someone like Abe was certainly, not a good choice, and we know that many, MANY of Homer's problems, all come rooted from either trauma or behaviours he learned from his childhood. And he's rightfully angry about it, he acts a bit like a rebellious teenager, because Homer is fairly inmature and this is because a extremely troubled youth.

But he forgives her right when she's literally a corpse in a chair, and then the closure comes from finishing what she started years ago as a radical environmentalist advocate.

So Homer knows, extremely well from first hand, his parents' flaws, and he is, to some degree, aware of how these affected him, which is more than most of the audience he represents realizes. But he's still an awful parent. He is abusive, towards Bart, but he also cares and tries deeply. He does an incredible much better job as a parent and as a partner than his parents.

And that's still not enough. That's not enough because trying doesn't mean sucess. The nature of the show makes it a bit harder, because sometimes it can be uqite inconsistent. There's a whole episode focused on how Homer decided to give up a lot and to stay under the awful working conditions from Mr. Burns because of Maggie, and then there are episodes where he literally forgets he has a third child.

But that's still better, somehow, than his upbringing. The bar was low, quite low, but he doesn't know anything else, and yet tries to be something different. And that's, from a narrative sense, interesting.

The cycle is breaking, is not completely over, is not a good job, but it is an attempt, it is watering down the abuse, it is making it less awful. Is like trying to purify a river, you're starting to remove the trash bags, you blocked the wastes tubes, the water is still contaminated, there's no grass and the ground is infertile. But it's a start, you need to start somewhere.

And then, in the futures episodes with Bart (and Lisa, and Maggie, even) we learn that, he isn't doing that much better either. Bart is divorced, his ex hates him because he's inmature and his children aren't very fond of him. Lisa's marriage is a bit of a mess, and her relationship with her daughter echoes a bit the one she had with Marge and Homer: She can't understand her, there's a lack of cummunication.

But it's still incredible, much better, than what they knew while growing up. Bart tries to be more responsible, he isn't abusive, his problem is that he's inmature and therefore can't connect with his children. But he doesn't quite yell at them, or tries to choke them (at least in the future episodes I remember, there are several). And unsurprisingly, he resents Homer a lot, which is logical, given everything, but he's also baffled that his children love Homer, and as a grandparent, he actually does quite a good job.

And the cycle is almost completely broken. Perhaps you can't absolutely clean it all, at least not in so few years, but it's happening and the change and evolution is logical, despite it being a sitcom, it is quite well written and sadly realistic. Bart and Lisa and Maggie don't have perfect lives as adults, and they struggle and the narrative shows you that a lot of these struggles come from their toxic enviroment.

And they're still doing better, because Homer and Marge chose to do slightly better than their parents. And so the cycle is near to the end.

I could talk about Marge, but sadly, in terms of her upbringing, there isn't much, besides the fact that she grew in a conservative home. We know her mother told her to held back tears and always pretend to be happy and force a smile, which is how she carried out in her life in many facets. And then we see she tries, at first, to teach the same to Lisa, and then decides to break that rule, to break what she forced herself to do and let Lisa be sad and express her emotions fully.

We also know she was quite bullied by her older sisters, and she's the one to always try to stop fights between Lisa and Bart, and the first one to try to stop rivalry between them when Homer tried to make them fight the other for attention.

Marge is flawed in a sense that she internalized a lot of misoginy and conservative ideals and then, sometimes, she tries to spread it, unwillingly, because is what she knows. Despite this, we know she supports Lisa's interests in studying and artistic skills. We know her mother was cold, and a bit detached, but Marge tries to be as warm and supportative as possible.

The Simpsons reasonates, mostly, with a generation that came from similar home enviroments, and, to some degree, some people in the audience could realize of their own flawed origins or how they carried those flaws, because I think the creators and writers had this in mind, the change and the struggle with trauma, the "not being good, but being better than what I remember".

So there's that. Deeply, deeeply flawed people that were raised in awful enviroments, and ultimately fail at being "good" parents, but they tried to change, and they tried to be better, and trying does matter in the end , because it's a start. They didn't end the cycle, but they planted the seeds for it. And to me, that's extremely interesting, and more so because this is the fricking Simpsons, a comedy, but like the context and narrative it generates, reasonates deeply with me despite not being for any of the generations the Simpsons represent, I'm a queer person in their 20s that was raised and still lives with an awful, awful family, but that I know their upbrinding was just so so so so much worse. And I know they try, and is not enough, and I can't quite forgive that, but I can see they try. And I know the cycle ends with me, at the very least.

[unwelcome-ozian]

[meljane7]

I've been binging succession and I just got to Connor's wedding episode and something I haven't really seen people on this website talk about is how good the show is at depicting how... difficult it is to have a toxic parent, well into your adulthood. I've talked to my therapist about this a lot, but the hardest thing about having a toxic parent is no matter how much they hurt you, and no matter how much you hate them and resent them, you still love them. But it's not a mature love, because at a certain point, your love for that kind of person can't really grow. So the love you have for them is only the love you had for them as a child. And no matter how old you get and no matter how much you grow and do the work to overcome the trauma, there's moments of desperation where you just turn back into a child who will do anything to make their parent love them. I often think about how I will feel, how I'll react when my parents die. I've already spent most of my adulthood mourning my childhood, and the fact that although my parents were physically present in my life, they were emotionally absent at best and abusive at worst. A toxic parent's love is categorically NOT unconditional: every "I love you" is accompanied with a "but." But your love for them IS unconditional; it never goes away, no matter what. You are always waiting, ready to embrace them the moment they decide to really be a parent for once. I'm still working through my trauma, so I don't know if there's a point when you finally lose hope in that happening, but so far it's still there. I don't know if I will ever be able to have a real, somewhat "normal" relationship with my parents, even if they do own up to their shit and start to actually fucking change. How do you start to have a parent-child relationship when the child is not a child anymore, and spent their entire childhood without the nurturing a parent is supposed to give?

Anyway, the Roy kids are all terrible human beings, but I see a lot of myself in their relationship with Logan. I see how my life could have been if I hadn't walked away from my toxic parents. I see my older sister, who is too afraid of the unknown to truly step back and start to work on her own trauma, and is already perpetuating the cycle with her own kids (though she denies it). I see the work that I still have to do, especially if I want to have my own kids someday.

[tyfinn]

Had a conversation with my mother that turned sideways in a matter of minutes. I feel the need to write what happened. I'm not asking for sympathy or criticism. I just need to get this off my chest.

TW/CW: Walking away from a toxic parent

Mom: "Wow- it's been so long since I've heard from you, I thought you were dead."

Silence.

Me: "I don't know how to respond to that."

Mother: "I'm just saying it would be nice to hear from my children from time to time."

Me: "I'm not dead, and the phones go both ways, Mom."

Mother: "I never know when to call you!"

Me: "I'm home every evening and weekends. I'm not having this conversation with you again."

Silence.

Mother: "Now you're pissed and I won't hear from you in another six months. Have a nice week! Thanks for calling!"

One of my therapists once told me to not engage when a toxic person pushes you. It does work, and they get very mad when you don't engage. Case in point.

To be fair, it has been six months since I've seen her. It is complicated.

Today, however, was different.

Today I believe the fractured relationship with my mother is finally beyond repair this time. It has been deteriorating for a number of years now.

There have been many "breaking points" throughout the years. Four years ago I thought it was done. I spoke to my uncle, and he told me, "she's your mother, she's family, and you need to keep trying." So I did.

I've been trying for years. I was forced to grow up and be the adult in our relationship since I was seven.

I got where I am today because I have worked my ass off. I never asked for help, and any success I achieved was viewed as me being better than everyone else.

I'm tired. I'm beyond tired.

I don't want to keep trying anymore.

I don't want to feel obligated to celebrate birthdays, mother's days, and holidays with someone who does not want to know anything about me or what is happening in my life.

For years I have struggled anytime I receive compliments, or when anyone offers me support. But I'm trying to do better. I have a husband, best friend, nieces and nephews, and a found-family who all love me very much.

I found AMAZING support from fellow writers after I started writing. Many of whom I now consider my friends. They know me better than my family, check in on me (and I do them, as well), and make me feel good about who I am. Thank you all for reading my words and encouraging me to continue.

I realize now, that encouragement was lacking while growing up.

My mother was a single mother who struggled with depression and alcoholism. She chose her second husband over her children. I know now she did the best she could back then. Unfortunately, words have been said that cannot be unsaid, time has passed that cannot be given back, and no amount of me forgiving her can make her have an interest in my life.

I've read books on toxic parenting and toxic relationships.

Sometimes you have to walk away from that toxicity in order to keep your mental health in check.

I'm choosing to do that, and I know what the consequences of that may be. I'm choosing to walk away from a family I am not close to.

I need to do what is best for me and my well-being.

I'm okay with that. I've been okay with that for years now.

[my-cages-were-mental]

having a mom who makes it all about her and takes it personally every time you set bounderies and say no <<<<<

[freya-captain]

What if Omega!Aegon was married to Beta!Helaena

one year later Aegon delivered silver-haired twins, Jaehaerys and Jaehaera. Everyone was happy especially Alicent who was so proud that her bloodline gave the “purest” Targaryen-looking kids, not like Rhaenyra’s.

Then there comes Maelor, a healthy strong boy with hair brown as autumn leaves, brown wide eyes as well. Aegon was tired, sweaty but thrilled, holding his baby like he’s made of glass. Helaena was thrilled. Viserys was content. Alicent looked like she’s having a faint.

She declared to the country she’s so happy as a grandmother that the baby got “her hair”. But inside the Keep she kept pressing ageon about who was real father.

Egg: i don’t understand the question. I thought you were happy about my little angel.

Alicent: you think I am an idiot? Who was it? Don’t tell me it was some tramp knight in the flea bottom.

Egg: whatever you say dear mom

Alicent: don’t be smug. You shamed our family as you always do. I won’t let that bastard of yours near the throne. He ain’t getting any title or lands when he comes of age.

Egg: could you please not call my son bastard? He’s my true born. As much as I’m yours.

Alicent: God I wish I hadn’t. Take the bastard boy out of my sight. 

Aegon holding the baby walking to the door when Alicent stopped him, “You need to name Jaehaerys your heir and announce his and Jaehaera’s engagement tomorrow. To enhance their claim and keep bloodline pure like what I arrange for you and your sister.”

Egg: You can’t be serious! They are still babies!

Alicent: The decision is made. You want to disobey your mother and Queen?

Egg: you want to know the real father? Fine i tell you. maelor’s father is the same tramp who fathered the twin. The three of them share the same “bastard” blood. I hope this satisfied you, YOUR GRACE.

He left in triumph, never feeling so well

Meanwhile on Dragonstone:

Jacaerys sneezed*

Lucerys: you okay?

Jacaerys: yah i think someone just called me names.

[thedepressedweasel]

It's okay to cry and some people don't deserve to be parents

Parents who abuse their kids and then scream at them for crying are actually disgusting cunts! Doing that only teaches kids that their feelings are not valid and that they should be emotionless fighting/killing machines instead and if you do this, then you actually fail at parenting! My birthgivers still do this to me all the time because they're cunts who think crying is only for babies and weak people and when I tell them that crying is for everyone, that crying is really healthy, that crying is normal, that crying is cathartic (they just hate everything cathartic) and that it is okay to cry/be sad, they just dismiss it as "communist nonsense".

So yeah, here's a very important pro-tip for you: If you're going to have kids with the sole intention of traumatizing them like that and then scream at them for crying afterwards, DO NOT FUCKING HAVE KIDS!!!! Because you're just going to be a lousy parent and some people don't ever deserve to be parents! My birthgivers are evil and horrible trash subhuman beings who should have never had children!

[iamanother]

shout.

For every shout you've ever made through my ears, a hate to myself has been made. "You are such a failure!" "I just hope that I never let you live as my child!" "You were born in this world to serve us!" "I don't have a stupid child!" I should be perfect; I must never fail. That's how my standards for myself have been made after those words that I heard from you. I am scared that you will shout at me again, just like you are stabbing me with your painful words that keep wrecking my ego. Stop; I want to be happy. Stop; I want to live on my own. I want to say those words, but my love for you stops me from doing it. I may sound pathetic, but I will keep on understanding you because I love you. I will keep on following you because I want you to be proud of me when the time comes.

written by: iamanother.

Photos by: Peter Forster, Camila Quintero Franco, and Marten Newhall

[apocketfullofpoesis]

A poem is brewing in my ribcages. A moment allows a deep revelation. Paperwork; a touchstone for testing patience. More deaths will lead to more paperwork. It's never the right time. I'm never brave enough. Mother, how do you lie? You raised a daughter in your own image. How do you not recognise her anymore? How do you find her selfish? Strategic. If I tell you the tragedies I've been through, you'd laugh at yourself for being a fool. For overestimating me. You'll give me new names. You'll call me dumb. Strategic? You flatter me and you've no idea. The more you make it clear that you don't know me even a little bit, the more you're losing me. It's a proud loss. You owe me a fair play. You owe me an unfiltered display of affection. You owe me manipulation free motherhood. You owe me, me.

But you're a beginner at recoiling. I'm glad my father taught me to be grateful; to own up to my follies; to face being wronged and yet fix things by giving in first. As for you, you cannot hide your embarrassment in making things up. You're ashamed to realise a parent can be wrong because it's your first time either. You're ashamed to feel apologetic and so you do what you've always done. You play me. You try to turn the dutiful, lap-dog daughter switch on, so that you can keep her wrapped around your finger and use her as you like and break her again and leave her be, only to start missing her camaraderie and lift her up again. My tragedy is that i happily surrender every single time. And i wouldn't want it any other way. Love has always found me in places I'm scared to go. Love has always chosen me when I would be least expecting it.

The poem is reaching the paper. It is escaping your finger, mother. In twenty years, when my daughter asks about you and me, it will reach her too. How far would you lie then? How far your youngest ought to play the biggest heart and keep shut? How far would you keep lulling neglectance to sleep as your daughter looks for you? How far do I need to keep my blurry eyes down in order to obey you? How far would you keep feeding yourself with a false image of me? How far would you not recognise me? Because I'll raise a curious daughter with a loud mouth and observing eyes. And she'll want to know.

Garima Tripathi, from How Far Mother?

[furiousgoldfish]

There are parents out there who are worried they'll do something wrong and mess up their kids; they are the ones who read all the books and look at the research, and ask for advice, and they sometimes don't know how to handle the problems right away, but they go with kindness first, and mostly worry about how they're doing as parents; they understand it's not a part of parenting to put judgment on your child.

And then there's abusive parents who decide, with the confidence of god, that one single solution fits all problems: blame the child + punish the child. No matter what the hell is going on, the first thing they'll reliably do is blame the kid for it happening, and the punish the kid. The child is sick? Blame and neglect them. The kid needs clothing or resources you don't feel like buying? Blame the kid for your financial situation and for wearing out whatever clothes they had, punish them with shame for needing things. Kid is being molested by a neighbour/family member? Blame the child for daring to speak out and punish them by allowing more of abuse to happen. The kid struggles in school? Blame them and take away whatever makes them happy as a punishment.

And they're so goddamn confident they're doing everything right, when there's absolutely nothing to be confident about. They won't even allow themselves to experience the negative consequences of such parenting, using the exact same trick: Child shows signs of trauma from all of the shame, guilt, and unjust punishment? They blame the child for having feelings and punish them into silence.

And they act like their methods are better, like being confident is better than being unsure, having less fuss about the child is better, saving money is better, and feeling zero blame is better. They even have the goddamn nerve to say that 'they did the best they could'. The hell they did. They treated nobody else in the world as badly as their own child. They knew goddamn well it was the worst of the worst.

Being unsure is better. Being insecure is better. Being anxious and trying different things out is better. Understanding that you control the circumstances, not the child, is better. Reading is better, asking for advice is better, being lost is better. Acknowledging you might not do it all perfect, but being there for the child when they need you, is better. Anything is better than blaming and punishing the child for every single thing they go thru. Confidence mixed with abuse is what destroys children.

[chaos-in-one]

Parents after cutting off their kids ability to contact anyone outside their house for doing anything wrong and usually yelling at them along with and teaching them that this is an indication of them being angry: Oh wow I wonder why they're so upset! Must be an addiction to that damn phone, I should isolate them from the outside even longer then!

[madam-jane]

I never understood why parents punish/ground their kids for having bad grades. obviously, your child is struggling academically and needs help...so... Your choice is to punish them..? Maybe if you took time out of your oh so busy life, and tried to help your child study, make it fun even! they'd be doing better in school. They might even be struggling mentally, punishing them just makes it worse and makes them less modivated. Your child needs human understanding, they're not a robot. This can lead to your child being scared to ask for help, or pushing themselves to be perfect, stressing over a less than perfect grade. Stop saying your child is a failure, you're just a bad parent.

[dheeme-bole-koi-iktara]

[babyspacebatclone]

One thing I love about The Owl House is the Blight family.

The series had the balls to say “A toxic parent breeds toxic children, but the family also has the ability to grow past that toxicity when freed from that influence.”

It had the guts to show the kind of damage having a toxic parent - who was almost certainly the child of toxic parents - has on the coping strategies of the children and spouses involved.

But instead of either a blanket “And they’re bad” or “But bullies have feelings too!” it’s nuanced.

Odalia is who she is because of her choices.

Alador is who he was because of the family life he had, but when given choices chose his children over anything else.

Emira and Eldric where never doomed to be “just like their mother.”

I’m a sideline fan, TOH is on my binge list but that’s long…

But everything I see of how the Blights grew into themselves after breaking ties with Odalia makes me so happy as an estranged child of a toxic parent.

[tyfinn]

UPDATE: Walking Away From a Toxic Parent

Two weeks ago I had the final conversation with my mother. A couple days later I received a text from her saying she was not sure why I got so upset that she was just telling me how she felt. She won't do that again. Oh, and that she loved me.

I did not respond.

Last week my husband and I went on vacation. She DM'd or texted me I believe it was a total of four times. Two said she hoped I would not hold my grudge for too long. One said she was sorry for hanging up on me. One wishing me a happy anniversary and she hoped I read her messages.

I did not respond.

And this is how it plays out until I respond back.

Over and over.

The same circular argument with no resolution.

I'd like to think she realizes the impact of what happened, although in her own words, she does not know how our relationship went off the rails.

I do.

I'm not going to be manipulated into having an empty relationship with her because she feels guilty for how she treated me two weeks ago.

I made my decision two weeks ago, and I still believe it is the right thing to do in order to maintain my mental health.

I have to do what is right for me.

[my-cages-were-mental]

that moment you realize that you aren't unempathetic. you've just been around the wrong people for far too long. you care deeply about specifc people and feel horrible if they're hurting in any way. but a toxic family member who's victimized themselves, forced you to share every little secret, and made you feel bad about doing things you like? yeah no. no sympathy or empathy for them there. why the fuck should you? they rarely showed any for you so why would you show them any?