#which is exactly why i need to use the word binary

[transmaverique]

you're assuming a lot about binary trans people, and if anything it makes me think that our understandings of our genders aren't actually that different? Not every binary trans person wants to pass as a cis person. I don't want to pass as a cis woman, I want people to understand me for what I am, a collection of internal beliefs and thoughts that I've constructed an identity with. It sounds like we both have created identities for ourselves! If you think that non binary people are the only people capable of creating their own identities and striving to be seen as them, that's on you

im gonna try one more time. i cant really tell if youre being sarcastic or not so im gonna assume youre being genuine when you say you think we have similar understandings of gender. but to me it sounds like you are deliberately ignoring the Actual Words i am saying.

we need words to describe our experiences, both different and common ones. those words may be in themselves faulty or somewhat inaccurate, but they are what we have to discuss important concepts, and they function well enough if they have a generally agreed-upon meaning. right?

so. the dominant culture of the imperial core is one of strictly binary sex. anything that breaks this, is deviant of the "rules of nature", to this dominant culture. right?

so then we call people who are NOT of this binary system multiple different things depending on cultural context and personal identity and personal circumstance. right?

'nonbinary' is only one of those words. to each individual it may mean any one of hundreds upon thousands of different things. everyone has their own personal identity, and while we may use the same word to describe said identity, no two people will have the same definition.

this is true of 'manhood' and 'womanhood' as well. every individual, cis trans both neither intersex perisex and so on and so forth, every single one of them has different PERSONAL interpretations of these words and the concepts they are meant to describe.

but 'woman' has to mean something in order to function as a real concept. it has to have some semblance of shared meaning, shared experience, shared conceptual feeling and vibe, for it to work within the imperial core as a means of systemic control and oppression, for it to work as a communicable identity, and for it to function as a word in a language.

in the same vein of thought, 'binary' is a word we are using to describe someone whose gender, in some way, shape, or form, fits into the schema of 'man and woman'. your internal definition of your own gender does not actually matter very much to other people who do not know it exists.

for me, it matters that i am percieved as a binary gender no matter what i do. it matters, and hurts, a lot. and for some people, it matters and hurts less. for some people, it matters and hurts not at all.

whether you consider yourself binary or not is entirely up to you and how you interpret your own navigation of the world. its very strange to act as if im saying anything otherwise. YOU defined YOURSELF as binary in your responding to me. you said you were also agender, so, like i said in my prev tags, i dont think youre the target audience. but the way youre reacting, it seems you think you are. i am also going to reiterate that 'binary' is not a bad thing to be - binary trans people and for that matter, binary cis people, are not my enemies. but i deserve to have the language to talk about my experiences as they compare to binary people. that's all it is.

[theeeveetamer]

Okay I told myself that I was done discussing the Netflix anime. After this, we go back to never thinking about this again.

I was just glancing at a few different social media sites to see which way the fandom's opinion was going on the anime, and I saw this Reddit post that gave me a realization. This ties into the "I believe the show is bad on its own merits, not just bad in comparison to canon DMC" point I made in my last wrap up post about the show

The White Rabbit's entire plan is just... completely stupid and counterproductive. I'll put the rest under the cut for spoilers, and be warned I'm actually going to be engaging with the refugee allegory the show tried to set up.

So here's the part of the Reddit post (titled "The political commentary in the anime is a mess") that made me think about this:

Dante very correctly in universe points out that "tearing down the wall" i.e. allowing mass demon immigration, would lead to the genocide of humanity. Needless to say this has a whole host of troubling implications regarding the political metaphor it's going for. It basically reads as being an endorsement of the white supremacist idea that immigration is "white genocide" or will "destroy the west" or whatever. The nature of the human/demon conflict as it's presented just does not work as an immigration allegory unless you concede this, which as I say is troubling.

Source

I agree with this poster completely. I couldn't put it into words, but that entire exchange with Dante left me with a very uneasy, icky, uncomfortable feeling as I was watching. Because I agree with the message that refugees are not monsters and they deserve life and stability and happiness just like anyone else... but Dante is actually right about needing to keep demons out of the human realm. The show itself doesn't even try to dispute it, because in the .05 seconds the barrier is down at the climax, humans start getting absolutely annihilated by numerous extremely dangerous demons.

I could get into all the reasons why I think this fails as an allegory for xenophobia, but that's not really the point of this post.

The point of this post is that the White Rabbit's plan makes no sense.

I find it very odd that the argument between Dante and the White Rabbit was so binary. The conclusion was basically "Mundus is making everything terrible in the demon world, so either you let us all into the human world or you don't and we all die". At no point did anyone posit the solution of just... getting rid of Mundus? The guy causing the entire problem for the demon realm in the first place? Nope it's just "barrier, or no barrier". There is no secret third option of "keep the barrier and get rid of Mundus".

I actually think this could have been an incredible Dante scene as well. White Rabbit and Lady are representing two ends of an extreme, two all-or-nothing solutions. Dante is literally someone who exists with one foot in both sides of this conflict, as a half demon/half human hybrid. He was in the perfect position to go "hey, wait a minute, why are we fighting over the barrier? Why don't we just go kick this Mundus guy's ass?" But instead he just sides with Lady and they close the barrier.

And then it made me think... what exactly would tearing the barrier down do for the people White Rabbit is trying to save? Because if Mundus is the one making the demon realm suck, and Mundus can access the human realm... why wouldn't he just make the human realm suck too? White Rabbit's plan does nothing to address the actual core of the problem, and so the problem would just be doomed to repeat itself.

I'm trying to be fair and look at this from all angles. The best Devil's Advocate counterargument I can think of is that maybe White Rabbit didn't intend to keep the barrier down permanently. Being able to take the barrier up and down at will would make it easier to move refugees. Maybe his plan is to open the barrier and let all the good demons through, then close it again to prevent them from being followed by the bad demons... but that is demonstrated in the anime itself to not work.

We see what happens when the barrier goes down and then back up, and it's that all of the demons who didn't pass through one of Rabbit's tears seem to just phase back into the demon realm. That's what happened in the .05 seconds the barrier was down. A bunch of demons terrorized humans, and then the second it went back up no matter where they were standing or what they were doing they phased back out of existence. They only seem to "stick" in the human realm if they were already in the human realm when the barrier went down.

So his plan has to be to just remove the barrier entirely and let Demons flow in freely. In which case, Mundus would just expand his rule and there would be nowhere safe for anyone to go. They would all just be back exactly where they started, except humans wouldn't exist anymore or would be enslaved or something I guess.

You could maybe argue that the annihilation of humans is White Rabbit's ultimate goal... but uh, that wraps back around to what the Reddit poster said here. It comes off as far more white supremacist if the character representing the side of the refugees is just actually genocidal and doesn't care about the safety of the refugees. Which completely destroys the allegory they were likely going for.

So yeah, I'm comfortable saying that this allegory just wasn't very well thought out and didn't receive the deft touch required to make it work. It results in something that is nonsensical and counter to the intended narrative. Which means we wasted an entire season on going down this pointless rabbit hole. That's just bad writing.

Imagine a world where the Netflix adaptation actually has Dante, Lady, and the White Rabbit realize they've all been stupidly fighting each other despite the real threat being Mundus, and so they all team up to stop the demon king

[the-littlest-goblin]

this started as a reblog comment on this post but it got tangential so it gets own post instead. still, credit and thanks to @utilitycaster for reigniting a brainworm I've been meaning to exorcise for ages, which is: fate as a narrative element of Critical Role.

Cause "fate"/"destiny" is another thing that gets name-dropped a lot where frequently the function is purely poetic, but is also shown to be a metaphysical truth of Exandria even though it's unclear exactly how it works. We can say for certain that Exandrian fate is not predestination. On a meta level that would be antithetical to an improv and dice-rolling format, and it's not a belief we ever hear of in-universe to my recollection.

I spent a lot of college studying Homeric epic, and also writing about fate and predestination as functions of narrative temporality in general. There's two load bearing concepts in Homeric studies that I often find useful references in other literary context, especially as a precedent for epic fantasy like CR vis a vis gods and fate as elements of the worldbuilding. First is that the Greek word for 'fate', moira (μοῖρα), also means 'lot,' 'share,' or 'portion.' "One's lot in life" gives a more accurate impression of the workings of fate in Homer than the connotation of inflexible predestination, as it is often misconstrued. The ultimate and only truly unavoidable moira is death (for mortals, at least). That is the model for the relationship of fate and causality (which, side note, can be surprisingly compatible with existentialism in certain contexts).

Speaking of causality, the other concept is the "double motivation," which is an interpretation of the gods' frequent influence on mortal action that allows divine interference to coexist with free will and character agency. It simply attributes causality and moral responsibility for divinely-influenced actions to both gods and mortals simultaneously (as opposed to other interpretations which seek to deduce a position on one side of a binary between either straight-up divine mind-control or gods as figurative personifications of mortal interiority.)

In the past, I've used double motivation analogously as a frame for literary criticism more broadly, paralleling the divine-mortal duality with an extradiegetic/structural sense of the narrative and the diegetic/internal world of the characters, respectively. It also loosely maps onto when we talk about plot-driven stories vs character-driven stories. My personal metric is that the best works achieve a harmony of double-motivation such that they can't be sorted into the plot- or character-driven dichotomy. The needs of the story and the motivations of the characters are coterminous.

It's worth noting that modern expectations of narrative and standards for what makes a "good" story differ in a lot of ways to ancient modes, especially when it comes to the psychological facet of characters. We hold works to much higher standards in terms of justifying why characters do things, which makes metaphysical destiny a trickier concept to incorporate textually. A lot of modern lit crit (and a lot of fandom discourse, in my experience) only wants to see or consider the character motivation. Some structuralist corners are more hospitable to the narrative motivation, but it depends on who you're talking to really. I digress.

As for how these relate to CR: I see the sense of "destiny" attributed PCs as relating to their narrative function as protagonists. In the same way that death is the ultimate moira for mortals, the inevitable "destiny" of PCs-as-such is that they will be the heroes of a story; the story itself is not preordained—it is loosely planned, but obviously not set in stone. We cannot be sure what actions and events will make up the story, but we can be sure that the PCs will be at the center. This is also just another, more top-down way of phrasing the linked post's point about destiny as a matter of character intent. There's a conceptual link between "destiny" and "agency," counter to the connotation of predestiny.

The format of TTRPGs make them an excellent ground for demonstrating the double-motivation narrative in process because of how visible and integral the diegetic facet of the story is (*don't say Brechtian, do not call it Brechtian*) playing out in real time. And I think out of all the AP shows I've seen, the CR cast most tends to build characters in pursuit of psychological realism. Those pieces in combination make a higher bar for achieving that narrative harmony; the marvel of CR is how often they still manage to accomplish it, and it's extra satisfying because of the challenge at the outset. This is why I find Campaign 2 especially so impressive: even as PC choices warp the path of Matt's anticipated narrative in some big ways, it all still synthesizes into narrative harmony. M9 are not traditional heroic types to start out, and often act counter to the expected archetypes of the genre. Matt responds to their decisions with a degree of flexibility in the plot, resulting in a deeply believable psychological story about M9 developing into heroes—one which still hits the promised elements of heroic fantasy and the necessary beats of Matt's story outline, while being the most sandbox-y out of all the campaigns, complete with serendipitous emergent themes of choice, agency, and identity throughout.

Campaign 3 is the opposite. BH are metatextually "fated" to be the heroes of their narrative the same as M9. Like M9, their actions much of the time don't correlate to the role; unlike c2, the story does not respond to or accommodate the characters. BH may seem to lack a "sense of destiny" as part of their NPC vibes, but they nevertheless retain the moira of being PCs and are stuck as the primary focalizing point of the story, regardless of how they continuously lean on literally anyone else to make decisions. The commentary on being nobodies who fell into this position could have been a gratifying thematic through-line similar to what both c2 and Divergence accomplish in different ways, if only BH had ever developed past the premise of that statement and started acting like PCs. Instead they kind of made the opposite thematic statement: shirking destiny not in a textual way that actually engages with fate as an in-universe concept, but by trying to abdicate the narrative duties of protagonist without ever escaping that positionality. Thus the hand of god—both in the figurative sense of the DM's writerly hand and the in-universe deus ex machinae feeding BH plans of action—is extremely visible as it props them up through the plot. To bring back the Homeric comparison: imagine the Odyssey with all the same plot beats, but Odysseus spends the whole poem talking about how his wife and son are kinda meh and he doesn't really care all that much about returning home. That's c3, to me.

[kinajusthere]

Androgyne

(My mild beef with the non-binary community)

I need to get this off my chest.

I identify as androgynous. That means I feel connected to both masculine and feminine gender roles. It can feel different depending on the context of the situation. When surrounded by men I feel overly feminine, and with women overly masculine because those parts of myself are pushed into a spotlight when they’re the outliers of the given environment. And because I outwardly exhibit both masculine and feminine traits, I often get invited to outings that consist of mostly men or women because they can identify with the respective masculine/feminine parts of me. And I love that. I love that both cis men and women can see familiar parts of themself in me.

But that also makes it incredibly lonely. I fit in much better with cis people than non-binary people, who are more understanding of my identity. But I don’t feel like I belong in non-binary spaces. I don’t identify as non-binary. I feel somewhere in between a cis man and cis woman, nothing about how I feel seems to be outside of the binary.

I found it difficult to understand myself because of the overwhelming presence of non-binary identities and terms in gender non-conforming (gnc) spaces. I first learned the meaning of androgyne years ago and I immediately connected with it, but it was used in the context of non-binary gender expression. More specifically, what they were actually talking about was gender-neutral expression (gne). This mistake ended up taking years off my life, so I thought I’d scream into the void about it.

Gne is a form of expression that is neither specifically masculine or feminine. For example: jeans. They can be worn by either binary gender and fit into their identity, they are not specifically tied to one or the other. Unlike a dress which inherently implies femininity.

(Before you come for my throat, yes you can wear opposite gendered clothes and still feel comfortable in your identity. Gender expression =/= gender identity. But I will say I think the whole “clothing doesn’t have gender” thing is stupid. Most clothing is created to cater towards masculine or feminine gender roles, and people will wear what clothes they feel match their identity, whether that be cis, trans, or gnc.)

Androgynous expression is the complete opposite of gne, and yet they’re often used interchangeably in NB spaces. Androgynous means having both masculine and feminine traits simultaneously. My absolute favorite example of this is Luz’s grom outfit from The Owl House. It’s a perfectly balanced blend of masculine and feminine expression. From the moment I saw it, it became a dream of mine to own something like it. It’s hard to put into words just how seen it made me feel.

And yet it’s a term still so often used to describe gne. I know this probably seems like a minor gripe to most people, but I implore you to understand why this put such a major set-back in my journey to discovering my identity.

I started my gender journey about 5 years back. Since I only ever heard about androgyne in reference to gne, I assumed (like most people), it just meant being between masculine and feminine. Even though I strongly identified with the literal definition, I was under the impression that this was simply not how it was used in the real world and never bothered looking more into it. This sent me on a difficult and years-long journey trying to understand what exactly I was feeling. Bouncing from demi-genders to fluid genders, and eventually landing on the vagueness of genderqueer for the freedom of letting myself define what my gender was to me.

Turns out it wasn’t the freedom I thought it was. For years I was stuck feeling like I wasn’t being understood by anyone. I found out the majority of people who identified as genderqueer were gender-neutral, and didn’t feel like I actually belonged in any of those spaces. I knew I identified with both masculine and feminine traits, but not having a specific name for it made it difficult to describe to my cis friends. 

When they asked what genderqueer meant, I would fumble because I didn’t want them getting the wrong idea about genderqueer people since I felt like I never fit in with how everyone else defined it. If I only told them how I identified, they would assume every other genderqueer person was like me and I didn’t feel comfortable giving that impression. So when I tried to explain it’s different for everyone, they just got confused and we never talked about it again.

So I stopped trying to explain it. People started making assumptions, trying to subtly ask about my identity. I didn’t know what to say. 

I started hiding my identity, letting people think whatever they wanted. To some, I was a masc lesbian. To others, a trans man. Every time it got brought up I would just feel stressed out. I ended up playing along with whatever they wanted me to be, not realizing I was becoming trapped in the same situation I was in when I thought I was cis. Conforming to what I thought I was supposed to be, overlooking my own feelings for the sake of peer approval.

After several years of this I started wondering if I was in denial of my “true feelings”. That maybe I was a trans man. Maybe I was just masculine. Maybe non-binary was a fitting label.

Then, by complete chance, I found it. An androgynous pride pin on Etsy in my “you might like” section. 

How fitting.

One fated google search later and my whole world was tipped over.

This was about two months ago now, but I can’t stop thinking about how all of this could have been avoided if the correct terms were being used in the community. Androgyne is already painfully underrepresented and misunderstood. Like, the ONLY representation I’ve seen that actually feels remotely like me is Shane from “The L Word”

I’ve only just started to comprehend the negative effects of pushing myself into a closet of my own creation. I feel like I’ve been failing my whole life. I spent so long using other people’s words to describe me, seeing myself through their eyes, that I lost who I really was.

This whole experience made me realize why it’s so important to have the right words to describe who you are. Without understanding the importance of language, you fail to connect with other people. You fail to be a person.

So please, I kindly ask of you,

Don’t fucking use androgynous when you mean gender-neutral

<3

[moonlightsapphic]

your bi lesbian posts are in such terrible faith and are absolutely mired in misinformation. All your hypotheticals start off with “a bi woman who…” or “a lesbian who…” like, those are their sexualities. Full stop. Bi people are bi regardless of “amount of attraction to other genders,” (side note holy shit I can’t believe you and others are actually trying to numerically quantify attraction, what the fuck is wrong with you?) and if women or nb fem-aligned people only experience gay attraction, they are lesbians?? It’s super not hard. The one that especially gets me is your “lesbian in a relationship with a trans man” bit. Holy shit just say you view all trans men as women. “But a lot of them used to identify as lesbians and feel a strong connection to the label” yeah well I was a child at one point and had a great time but that’s not who I am anymore and I have to deal with that. Actual honest to god lesbians in physical spaces do not feel safe around people insisting they can be attracted to men.

Those weren’t hypotheticals. These are real people I’ve met and come across, both IRL and on the internet. A lot of what you are saying is hypothetical or bad faith interpretation, though. I acknowledged immediately after the list that yes, a lot of those experiences can be defined by either bisexuality or lesbianism, which are themselves expansive terms that make room for diverse experiences. A combined term may seem redundant from the outside, and bi lesbians are aware of that. But some folks still find that “bi lesbian” describes them better than picking one of “bi” or “lesbian”. Even as a bisexual who loves the term “bisexual” and knowing so many other lesbians who adore the term “lesbian”, cops don’t belong in our community and I feel zero need to police the tiny minority of folks who like the term “bi lesbian” for themselves. 🤷🏻‍♀️ More power to them.

I don’t view trans men as women. They’re men. And also, trans women are women. Genderqueer folks are genderqueer. Agender folks are agender. Genderqueer, agender, non-binary and trans lesbians exist. Lesbians are who they say they are. So are bisexuals. And bi lesbians. And interestingly, many bi lesbians are also trans. (Angry anons have been trying so hard to put transphobic words in my mouth when they’re the ones parroting implicit, binary TERF rhetoric… ) For many folks sexuality is fluid, so a lesbian-identified person may end up in a relationship with a trans man, and then feel that “lesbian” doesn’t encompass her entire sexuality and adopt the “bi lesbian” label—which she would obviously only do if she truly believes trans men are men. Alternatively, a lesbian may be in a relationship with someone who comes out as a trans man, and then decide she doesn’t have a problem with that. Love is love. Stevie Boebi (seasoned lesbian creator) posted a short video discussing how she doesn’t feel that the “monosexual” category describes her at all, and would rather identify as a multisexual (mspec lesbian) or bisexual lesbian, since she feels that she is attracted to many genders outside of men (and even that “lesbian” itself can be a gender—which is true!). And that either way, she identifies deeply with the word “lesbian”.

I respect how people self-identify because they are the ones living in their brains and bodies. Why should anyone else have authority over that? I obviously do not endorse trying to convince any lesbian that she could be attracted to men, which is an incredibly violating, rude and plain weird thing to do. However, I do have several posts criticizing the purity-culture and gold-star-obsessed internet lesbians (obviously a tiny fraction of actual lesbians but they are VERY loud) trying to do exactly that with public figures such as Chappell Roan. Sometimes the lesbophobia is coming from inside the house. In that way, bi lesbians are a litmus test for our post-separatism WLW community, and they bring out lots of knee-jerk internalised biphobia, lesbophobia, and transphobia. What does it mean for us when a single label with fairly simple nuances can so easily divide us? Do we really have our priorities right? Isn’t the whole point of queerness deviance of rules/binaries and acceptance of diversity? Do we remember that? A hate of mspec lesbians (and bi+ sapphics in general) also quickly escalates into exclusion of butches, mascs, and genderqueer lesbians. I actually have a post in my drafts demonstrating exactly that within the hateful discourse after Fletcher came out as fluid.

If I were trying to quantify sexuality and gender (and I’m not sure why I would want to and where you’re getting that), I would be using numbers, but it can’t be measured so all of these discussions are purely qualitative. People (especially LGBTQ+ folks) are diverse, that makes us beautiful. We’re not a monolith, I don’t know what else to tell you. I am neither a bi lesbian, nor am I their ambassador. I’m just an ally to other queer folks. I would advise you to take this up with a bi lesbian you meet IRL rather than arguing/criticising unproductively on the internet as an anon. Ask them about their life in good faith if you’re curious to learn why they would identify that way. Not everyone may have answers that satisfy everybody but all bi lesbians I’ve met are very respectful folks with good knowledge of the queer community/history with often unique perspectives. You may learn something! We all have a lot to learn.

[gl1tch3doracle]

can we get a yoru x f/non-binary reader which doesn't end with the reader getting turned into a weapon (also with a little asa sprinkled in)

Love Yoru and Asa, but I dunno how much romance is actually in this thing. It's pretty long compared to my usual word count, so I don't know how spread out it could be or if things are rushed.

Anyway...

⊹ ࣪ ˖ Conflict of Interests ˖ ࣪⊹

Love Asa and Yoru and imo both need more love, but specifically Yoru.

➸ Yoru + !Neutral!Reader, Asa + !Neutral!Reader

➸ Word count; 3849 words,

➸ Warnings for gore, because this is CSM and it's Yoru. No spoilers (that I know of)

➸ Aside from the gore, I don't believe there are any other content warnings either. Don't know how well this flows because none of my work is beta read and I was also losing motivation by the end of this because I cranked this out in about two or three hours.

All things considered, you were adapting to your new life in Japan pretty well. At least, it felt like it.

Communication wasn't an issue, which was a relief - Neither was money, but your biggest problem so far was being directionally challenged. It complicated your routine to the utmost degree, and what was supposed to be a simple shopping trip had taken more than three hours because somewhere along the way you'd taken a wrong turn. Which was why, in your current moment, you were wandering aimlessly around the backstreets of Kyoto, meandering closely to the nearby high school. Silent as it was at the current hour, it still felt weird knowing that if you never left home, you'd probably be stuck in a building like that for hours on end.

You weren't though, and you were also lost. Which seriously wasn't fun, especially when you had a younger brother at home left unsupervised.

What was even less fun, though, (besides the thought of a rouge twelve-year-old boy) was the lack of people around you. Sure it was late, school was finished and the teenagers had cleared the food stalls and vendors and had already gone home, but it wasn't late enough that people would be tucking up in their homes already. The sun was still peaked beyond the horizon, casting pale light amok the city - The streetlights weren't even on yet, and yet the roads were emptier than a bucket with a hole in the bottom.

You weren't sure if that should make you feel relieved, or even more anxious than you already were.

Your first thought was a devil attack. They were common enough, and although the living embodiments of fear preferred more public areas (more fear to feed on, you assumed?) that didn't mean the weaker devils didn't slink around alleys like shifty cats when the darkness fell. And it was that thought exactly that kept you from calling out for help.

It was certainly a nerve-wracking thought, that was for sure, and a part of your new life that you weren't ever sure you were going to get used to. At least back home, devil attacks weren't nearly as common as they were 'round the streets of Kyoto. Sure, you'd go through attack drills like any other school, but luckily for you, you'd never had the misfortune of meeting one face-to-face on the streets. You couldn't even imagine the pure terror you might feel in that scenario - The pungent fear, the visceral pounding of your heart in your ears, the fight-or-flight instinct failing to kick in, maybe even the sickening, cloying stench of iron blood swarming your nose-

Huh. That wasn't good.

That sickly sweet, cloying iron scent of blood was swarming your nose.

You froze, rounding the corner, feet rooted to the ground. You almost flinched at the wet squelch that met your shoe instead of the steady tap against worn, greening concrete. Didn't have to look down to know that pools of blood were lapping seamlessly on your brand-new shoes. You didn't know what made you wince more, the price of the now ruined shoes, or the feeling of pungent fear that struck you at the unsightly view of bulging intestines flung around the wider street in front of you.

Gross - Disgusting. There was no immediate threat, you deduced after a second or two of not being attacked. No, the devil that made this mess (inadvertently or otherwise) was sprawled in the middle of the street, gangly, twisted, fuzzy and bulbous body blocking the road like the world's most horrific barricade. It wasn't moving, fur clogged with blood and flesh and guts only wavered with the faint breeze, but its sides didn't heave like it was breathing, although you weren't entirely certain that devils had to breathe. 'It could still be a trap' Was the thought that bullied its way to the forefront of your mind, and yet you still couldn't find it in yourself to move.

For the first time in what had to be a good long while since you'd left the store, you saw someone else. At first, your heart froze as the bee-like body of the devil shuddered and shook - It rolled onto its side, spilling more of its entrails onto the path. They slithered up to you sluggishly, like a trash heap toppling over, but the insectile face filled with jagged and snaggled teeth was blank as ever. There was no life behind those eyes, but you were more focused on the girl who'd effortlessly posed herself atop the body of the beast.

She wore a school uniform, you noticed, paired with an otherworldly cutlass held firmly in her right hand. The world around the two of you was eerily silent, ear-splitting and ringing in your mind. You clutched your bags a little tighter, the plastic crinkling, rustling ever so slightly in your fist.

The hunter whipped around to face you - She couldn't have been much older than you, but her darker hair framed her face fiercely, fire-ringed eyes glaring you down with such hostility that it almost gave you whiplash. She didn't budge from her spot, but her shoulders drew up tightly as she held her weapon in front of her defensively.

You just blinked - The smell of blood wasn't as pungent as when it first hit you, settling over you like a blanket. You just lifted your shirt, covering your nose as you waved the brooding, mysterious and most likely murderous stranger over to you. From where you stood, you could see the way she froze, face twisting from a scowl into confusion, before the crisscrossing scars on her face literally melted into her own skin, leaving her in perfect condition.

The sword clattered mutely against what looked like a misshapen lung, and the girl set her foot down firmly against the joint of a broken leg. It gave out immediately, and you could only watch as she yelped and tumbled haphazardly from the corpse into a pool of blood. The aura she'd been carrying up until that moment disappeared the second she looked up at you again. Her eyes no longer glowed like red-hot embers, mellow brown eyes looking nothing but defeated.

She shook herself once and heaved herself to her feet, shuffling over to your relatively clear patch on the fringe of carnage.

"Hello?" Her voice cracked awkwardly. You couldn't help but purse your lips sympathetically.

"Hey," You began, reaching into your pocket. Just your luck that you had a clean packet of tissues packed. "I was just wondering how to get back to the main road. I'm new to the area, and I'm kinda lost."

You offered her the tissues, and it looked like she was about ready to cry at the gesture.

"Oh, uh, sure. I could walk you," She froze, dabbing the blood from her cheek, "-only cause I also need to walk that way," Her face pulled into a grimace, and she subtly flinched as if someone was poking fun at her. She opened her mouth a few times, gaping like a fish before her face flushed red. Without another word, she hurried around the corner you'd just rounded, and you just followed without another word.

She didn't talk, never glanced in your direction to see if you were following her. You didn't mind, though, because you were just happy to see life slowly returning around you - Moreso the sounds of traffic and chatter and city ambience that you'd slowly lost over the past few hours. The joy of finally returning to a place you could somewhat navigate diverged your attention, so by the time you turned to at least thank your guide, she was already long gone.

It wasn't really your problem if she didn't want to stick around. What was your problem was the little brother you'd left at home by himself. You hoped that the apartment was still in one piece by the time you'd made it back.

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You finally visited the school. It certainly looked different teeming with student pushing and shoving their way to freedom. It also felt a lot different, seeing people your age running around in uniforms, talking to friends and passing by you without a second look. The uniforms, in particular, gave you a pause - They itched your brain in the most peculiar way until you remembered why. The same girl you'd met about a week ago, the one who'd slain the bee-like devil, had worn the very same uniform. Albeit, hers was doused in blood and cuts, it was no doubt the very same one.

That was a thought for later. You tapped your foot impatiently against the ground, waiting for your brother to finally make an appearance. You supposed his tardiness was payback for the time you got lost and spent hours wandering the backstreets of Kyoto, but you couldn't help but feel impatient.

He appeared a second later, thankfully, surrounded by a group of kids his age. It was nice to see him fitting in, especially after he'd only been going to his new school for about a week, although you had to admit it was funny seeing him freeze as soon as he saw you waiting at the front gate.

"Why are you here?" He scampered away from his group, looking more nervous than annoyed. You fixed him with a perpetually bored look.

"I came here to walk you home, idiot, why else? For shits and grins?" You quirked an eyebrow. He sighed and sagged his shoulders.

"But… I was gonna hang out with my new friends…" You gasped dramatically.

"And you were gonna make me walk home all by myself?" Your brother cringed. You felt nothing but satisfaction. With a sigh, you pat him on the shoulder.

"Just be back in time for dinner," You paused and set him with a stern expression. "And steer clear of devils, alright? I want you back in one piece."

He only gave you a big smile and a rushed thanks before running off, quickly rejoining his group. You shook your head and stretched your arms, noticing how quickly the crowds around you had thinned out around you.

"Oh, it's you again," You turned on your heel, coming face to face with the same, sharp-eyed dark-haired girl you'd briefly met a few weeks ago. Her face was riddled with scars again, clean cut, rough against her pale skin. You furrowed your brow, wondering if your memory was playing tricks on you.

"It's me? You were the girl who killed the devil, right?" You just had to make sure. She puffed up, eyes practically glowing orange and she fixed you with a pompous look.

"That's me. I'm an expert with any sort've melee weapon," She waved her hand as if shooing away an annoying insect from her ear. "But that's not why I came over here," Her eyes gleamed, "I was just wondering if you wanted to go shopping with me, y'know, have a walk around?"

You did a double-take.

The idea sounded nice, making a new friend, and there was a regular food vendor that you'd been meaning to try recently. But the idea of going with a stranger you'd really only just met set of alarms in your brain.

'However…' She was admittedly pretty. Those bright eyes that seemed to peer into your soul, a sharp, clean smile with long dark hair. 'Plus, it'll be in public, right? Plenty of other students and people around.'

"Yeah, sure, I have time," You missed the way her smile grew ever so slightly, stretching just further than a human could naturally.

However odd the situation was, you couldn't deny it was nice to finally have someone other than your brother to talk to. Admittedly, it was also odd how her bravado slipped the minute you turned to walk into the city, but you also found the marine life facts she sputtered out like she'd rehearsed were entertaining. She just seemed happy that you didn't seem bored out of your mind.

Asa Mitaka, you learned her name was. Wasn't usually one to talk to people, and she said it was a miracle she was able to muster up the courage to talk to you in the first place. She pointedly refused to make eye contact most of the time, which was fine in your opinion since at least the conversation was kept in a lively ebb and flow you weren't entirely used to.

She talked with an edge to her voice, not an annoyed one, but rather a nervous one. You didn't really want to ask about it, seeing as you used to do something similar when you were younger, however, Asa beat you to the punch.

"I don't have many friends - I had one before, but, well, she died in a devil attack not too long ago," She peered through a window store, just looking at the array of shoes that were for sale. "I mean, I haven't had many friends at all. Just the one." You stepped up next to her, but she just peered sadly beyond the glass.

Brown eyes. You squinted. Perhaps the light turned them orange. You once knew someone whose hazel eyes turned yellow under the light. Orange wasn't too far from brown.

"Maybe we can be friends," You asked, almost absentmindedly. Asa whipped around to stare at you, her mouth hanging open. Her eyes flickered back and forth - From your face, to behind you, maybe. She worried her bottom lip between her teeth nervously and didn't say anything.

That made your heart twist a little. Ouch.

Taking a break from the sun, the two of you were stopped at a vending machine under shade, grabbing a few drinks. It was mostly quiet aside from the sound of the machine working, clanging softly as coins were inserted. You were leaning against a wall when a little thing approached you out of the corner of your eye.

"Aw, cute. Kitty cat," You kneeled and reached out your hand, letting the feline sniff your fingers before it rubbed its head along your palm. Asa made a noise halfway between a choke and a squeak before shuffling a few paces backwards.

"Yeah, cute," She seemed preoccupied, whispering something urgently under her breath. Which was odd - You were going to ask if she was okay, but Asa was suddenly in your face before you could react, those same, orange-ringed eyes staring into your very being.

Orange. Not brown.

Preoccupied, a hot flush covered your face.

"Come with me. I wanna show you something cool," The bravado was back, oddly enough. No trace of the nervous high-schooler, but rather, the cool, confident and dangerous devil hunter you'd seen the first time you'd met eyes.

The change made you nervous, but also, you couldn't really say no to a pretty and confident girl asking you to come with her, especially when she'd been so heartening throughout your entire afternoon. She sealed the deal by taking your hand in hers, wrapping her lithe fingers confidently around your own in a way that made your heart thud errantly in your ribcage. Starved for human touch, you followed her as she tugged you along with enthusiasm.

It made butterflies tumble around in your chest, a sense of happiness and friendship you hadn't known in a while. It made you feel like a normal teen, running through the city with their friend, laughing happily together. You didn't have to care about making dinner, or phoning your parents in another country, or worrying about bills - You got to just run around without care plaguing your brain. You didn't care about the people you ran past, didn't even care as the streets thinned and people slowly appeared less and less around you. You didn't even realise that Asa had dragged you into something that was nothing less than an alley.

You only realised when she'd stopped laughing and was instead standing stock still between you and your freedom.

You also stopped laughing. Your heart dropped deep into your stomach.

"Ah, shit," You puffed, still catching your breath. "Well, I guess it was a dumb mistake to follow a stranger through the city." You tried to laugh away the atmosphere - You wanted to believe that you'd make it back home to see your family again, but somehow, seeing Asa's burning orange eyes made you doubt the chance that that would ever happen.

"Not surprised. Humans aren't the smartest," She offhandedly remarked, watching you like a dingo would watch a human baby. Although, no, that wasn't entirely right. There was a cold, analytical feeling behind it, not a sensation of hunger. But that word, the little indication - 'human.'

"You're a devil."

It was less a question and more of a statement. Asa smiled and cocked her head.

"A devil you couldn't even begin to fathom," Those same ringed eyes burned, pinning you to the wall. You furrowed your brow, gut-twisting and your neurotically swayed, judging how far you could possibly make it before she could close the distance.

"Lay it on me. I'm pretty smart," Were the dying words you chose to go with. However scary a devil she could be, Asa was also still in the body of a high-school girl. The sight wasn't particularly scary compared to the devils you'd seen in the past.

"You're bravado won't save. It certainly didn't save my host," Asa reached out her hand toward you, pinprick eyes staring you down with such complexity. The visage reminded you of an owl.

"I am not Asa," Asa began - "Asa is a part of me, and I am a part of her, yet, in the end, we are two different beings." You tilted your head.

"Then, who are you?" You shimmied against the wall, trying to perhaps slide your way to freedom.

Asa closed the distance instantly, digging her fingers into your scalp with such ferocity that you could feel it digging into bone with enough force to pin you to the spot, but not enough to shatter your skull instantly.

"I don't have a name, but I go by Yoru - The devil of war."

.

"(Name). Spinal cord sword."

You held your breath.

Nothing happened.

Yoru furrowed her brow.

"(Name). Spinal cord sword."

Her face morphed into a scowl, and then a snarl.

You gave her a look, one that asked 'what the hell are you doing' and you knew she knew exactly what you were thinking.

"What the fuck - Why isn't it working?" She let you go, shoving you painfully into the wall. You were dazed, now had a sore head and probably a minor concussion, but you were alive and your limbs weren't twisted into a gorey weapon. Your eyes focussed just in time to see Asa, or Yoru? Punch a hole in the nearby brick wall.

"It's because of you!" Yoru shouted at a patch of empty air. "You and your stupid human feelings and your pathetic nature to fall in love with someone who shows you a smidge of kindness and your stupid nature infecting my mind! Sharing a body with you has done nothing but hinder me!"

Yoru howled and whined like a toddler, bashing her fists against the same wall she'd punched a hole through, clutched her hair with her face screwed up into a childish scowl. She whipped around to stare in the vague direction she'd done so before, her scowl deepening with her teeth bared in a snarl.

"I AM NOT STUPID!" And with that, the anger was gone. The scars were gone, too. Her eyes were a rich shade of brown, deep, with flecks of gold and faint rings that seemed reminiscent of the war devil's own eyes. You had no idea if it was the influence of the devil herself, or if Asa's (?) eyes naturally looked like that.

An ear-splitting silence settled over the scene. Asa slumped against the wall, curled into the pit of carnage Yoru had carved with her bare fists. She just sat there, staring blankly ahead, eyes hooded and squinted as if someone was yelling at her. You were in a similar boat, head pounding, trickling of blood dribbling from your hairline, down your face and dripping onto the concrete below.

"So," You hummed. Asa flinched, but she didn't stop staring into the empty air ahead of her. "What the fuck was that all about?"

"That, uh, was Yoru." She didn't say anything else.

"And Yoru is the war devil?" Asa nodded.

…

"Mind explaining what's going on?" Asa finally pulled herself together, physically.

"It's a long story," She offered, trying to pull her hair into a pair of twintails.

"Well, I have to make dinner. Fancy staying over?" The words were out of your mouth before you could even think about them. Why you were inviting the war devil over for dinner, or at least the host of the war devil, you had no idea. But you just had one question you really, really had to ask.

"Hey, do you know why she's such a baby?"

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"I'm heading out, be back soon!" Your brother yelled into the apartment, shrugging on a jacket.

"Don't fill up on junk food and don't talk to any weird devils, 'kay?" You yelled back. Your brother paused and looked at you before nudging his head in the direction of the other room. You scoffed.

"You know damn well what I mean!" Your brother laughed and locked the door behind him as he left.

Yoru appeared in the doorway as he left, a loaf of bread tucked under one arm with a slice hanging from her mouth.

"Where's he going?" The devil sat next to you at the kotatsu, absentmindedly watching whatever was playing on the tv set.

"To hang out with friends. He probably won't be back later so don't eat all the goddamn soba this time," You pointed your pen in her direction. The devil didn't seem particularly threatened, so you made a mental note to put aside a bowl for your brother.

"Hey, Yoru? Quick question," The devil grunted. "When will I see Asa again? Not that I don't appreciate your…" You paused and looked her up and down "Wonderful companionship, it feels weird to only see one of my girlfriends on a near daily basis."

Yoru scoffed and shrugged.

"When Mitaka can take control of this body, she's more than welcome to hang out with you," Yoru took the piece of bread she'd been eating and pressed it against your lips. You quirked an eyebrow but took a bite of the offered piece of bread. You decidedly didn't comment on her eating it plain, as last time resulted in a forty-minute tantrum including someone called 'Fami'.

After a moment of silence, Yoru stopped and grinned sharply. The same smile she gave you back in that alley all those months ago.

"Are you bullying Asa-" Yoru reached forward and grabbed you by both your wrists "-again?"

…

"Yoru?" The war devil smirked like a bitch.

"Yeah?"

"You're doing this to tease Asa, aren't you?" Yoru only cackled.

"Perhaps."

Asa is crying and shaking at the end. She can't believe Yoru would do something like that in front of her.

[haveyouseenthisskeleton]

I’m non-binary.

I’m trans.

I didn’t decide to yell it loud and clear before a long time. You know what this is, right? The never-ending questions turning in your head, not knowing if it’s just me influenced by the people around me, or if I’ve been around the LGBT+ community for so long, it just started to rub off on me.

But no, I’m trans.

It took a lot less time to feel non-binary than it took to feel trans. I didn’t even know that being enby was a spectrum hiding under the great umbrella of divergent gender identities. But now, it makes sense. Men, women, enbies, we’re simply not born in the right body. That prison-body, that sees us grow up, but not the way we intended to.

In short, I’m trans.

I learned a lot of things since I’m trans. I learned that not transitioning doesn’t make you an impostor, which was a relief as it really wasn’t in my plans. I learned that, when you’re doubting, concerned by some irrational fear, you can ask for help online and find help from perfect strangers in a flash, just because they know what you’re going through. I learned there were way more genders than I thought, and that it’s fine to not know where exactly you identify. It’s human to not know. Humans are made of indecisions, right? That’s human.

I learned that being trans is being human. And yet?

Since I’m trans, I learned that my body doesn’t belong to me. No, it belongs to the far-right wing elite who decides if yes or no I have the right to exist. In France, my right to exist is fragile, but there. I wished I wasn’t there to see my American friends lose theirs.

Since I’m trans, I learned that existing is a crime in the eyes of some people. “We don’t care that you’re trans. What we want is for you to stop telling it constantly.” They say. Oh yeah? What about all the people grimacing when they see me in the street? Did I tell them I was trans? What about my family refusing to invite me because, you know, she’s provoking everyone, your daughter, she should see a therapist, your daughter. That’s not normal to act like that. Like what?

Well, I believe it’s not normal to behave the way you do, even more so since transphobia often comes in a cocktail with its two big friends, racism and queerphobia. What’s bothering you is not telling you we are transgender, no. The problem is that we exist at all.

Ah, yes, sorry! Obviously, that’s something you don’t tell out loud! No, no! Around the table, if you dare to mention the word “transphobia”, everyone suddenly feels like they have to defend their honor like some kind of medieval knights! “Me? Transphobic? Oh, that’s bullshit! I don’t have anything against people like you. They do what they want to do, the people like you. But, you know, you need to accept not everyone thinks like your people. Why don’t we agree to disagree?”

Oh yes, that’s rich! I have to agree that you have the right to not see me as a person. At least not a person like you. That you have the right to not recognize me as the same type of human you are, that you have the right to vote for people who want me dead. That you have the right to publish on social media posts that criticize me breathing when you know I can see them. That you have the right to be delighted by trans people losing their rights in the United States. That you have the right to say straight to my face that I’m mentally ill on Facebook. That you have the right to support authors giving millions against trans people just because they hurt their huge ego as yours is right now when I said you are transphobic.

And me? Ah, yes. I have the right to shut the fuck up, that’s right!

Since I’m trans, I learned that what’s bothering them is not that I’m trans. Nope, what’s bothering them is that I exist as a trans person in the public space and stand for myself. That you can’t crush me as easily as all the poor people you had the misfortune to cross roads with.

Since I’m trans, and every time I’m saying I’m trans online, I always receive death threats, insults, and 3 miles-long books to explain to me why I should shut up and stop breathing in the little space they claimed like alpha wolves in heat. Since I’m trans, I can’t read articles talking about inclusion, diversity, trans people, the LGBT+ community because their reviews spaces are full of little fascists that only feel existing by stepping on small minorities that are not many enough to defend themselves against them. And each day, they grew more abundant. It’s scary.

Since I’m trans, my mental health is deteriorating, and it’s not because I’m trans. It’s because I’m constantly exposed to hate online. It’s because it’s ok if I exist, but not too much or it starts bothering people. It’s because I was told that men, because, yes, they’re men in the majority, want me dead and that I should deal with it. It’s because I was told to accept people not agreeing I have the right to exist. It’s because I was told it’s no use to protest for my rights, since the day Big Trump will overpower the government, I won’t have any rights at all. It’s because I was told to separate J.K. Rowling and what she writes because I don’t have a say in what she does with her money, even though she’s using it to kill me. It’s because I was told I should thank Elon Musk for saving children from a transition they would regret later, even though it means condemning a lot of these children to a premature suicide because no one will listen to them.

And yet, I’m still trans, in a world that hates me, and will keep hating me if nothing changes.

I didn’t choose it, it just happened.

It’s not fashionable. It’s not provocation.

It’s who I am.

Being trans is an everyday fight. It’s waking up each morning and learning yet another one of your friends, somewhere around the world, took their own life overnight because they couldn’t bear people telling them to stop existing anymore. It happened this morning, once again.

It’s pretending to not see hatred burning around us.

I live on a patch of land circled by an inferno, and that inferno slowly closes on us. Sometimes, we manage to push it back a little with a garden hose, but then it comes closer on the other side of the house.

How much time do we have before it consumes us all?

Hopefully, we still have some time, and yet…

I don’t know if I’ll still exist tomorrow.

[the-quartz-moon]

I don't understand why I never hear people talking about Wreck-it Ralph. Maybe it's because it's not something that adults nowadays are nostalgic about or something, but I loved that movie. I still do. It's one of those movies that nobody talked about because it wasn't awful and wasn't perfect. It was just really good.

But it's SUCH A GOOD MOVIE. It's a movie about being a fish out of water, about coming to terms with the consequences of your actions, and making friends who love you for all your flaws. But most of all, it's about coming to love yourself for all of your flaws. Self-acceptance is a core theme especially in the climax of the film. Ralph is only able to beat King Candy by accepting himself and using his unique skills to help in spite of his label as a "bad guy". He is not defined by the label he was given. He doesn't need other people to tell him who he is anymore.

The one quote that I'll never forget, one which helps me to know myself, is said once at the beginning of the film and once at the end, with both having completely different context

"I'm bad, and that's good. I will never be good, and that's not bad. There is no one I'd rather be Than me."

This is significant to me in ways I don't have the words to describe sometimes. I am broken. The way I see the world is fundamentally different to most other people. There are others who are also warped in similar ways, who see the same bent shapes as me. Ralph is not alone, and neither am I. Neither are you. Don't let other people tell you who you are. Life isn't binary. Make friends with people who understand and love you for exactly who you are, and remember to extend them the same courtesy to them. Don't treat people differently based on what labels society has given them.

All these lessons from an animated comedy movie for kids that's rated 87% on Rotten Tomatoes.

If you haven't watched this movie, I highly encourage it. It's still my favorite Disney film (followed closely by Treasure Planet) and still watch it from time to time. It's just called Wreck-It Ralph and it's on Disney Plus. Or pirate it. I don't really care. I hold an immense amount of disdain for Disney, sooooooo...

[themaveriqueagenda]

as a bi maverique, i struggle with this common definition of bi-ness:

"attraction to one's own gender and other genders"

i have never been knowingly attracted to a fellow maverique. there aren't that many of us, and most i know of i've not seen (my bi attraction is sensual and aesthetic, so relies a lot on visual information). i have no reason to believe that i couldn't be attracted to other maverique, but, unlike other definitions, this one does not factor in potential attraction. besides, i don't know why "my gender" and "other genders" needs to be separated into two groups. my attraction to other abinary people for example doesn't really feel all that different from my attraction to other genders, i see no point in emphasising it and contrasting it with my attraction to other genders, unless i was actively trying to tell monosexists "trust me, i'm gay enough, i totally experience same-gender attraction".

based on that definition, which many push as the definition, i'm not even bi, which is bonkers. and i'm not the only person this definition would cause issues for. these people can't even conceive of the fact that there are men and women who are bi but not same-gender attracted, and honestly, i think that's because they'd just divide "attraction to nonbinary people" into "basically attraction to men" and "basically attraction to women" anyway to fit that narrative. then there are people who don't know what their gender is, so they can't say when or if they are experiencing same-gender attraction. or people who simply don't want to make a statement about their own gender when conceptualising their attraction.

it's quite clear that even as the wording of this definition evolved, it's still quite binary-centric. binary people will have the easiest time finding themselves in this definition because there are so many people of their gender for them to figure out if they experience same-gender attraction. it makes more sense for binary people to highlight their same-gender attraction because that's how many of them, especially those who haven't unpacked internalised monosexism, feel most connected to their attractional queerness, whereas nonbinary people tend to have more complicated experiences with this, where all of their attraction feels equally queer, gay, straight etc. binary, especially cisgender, same-gender attraction is stigmatised in a very specific way, for nonbinary people, because we don't easily fit into conventional categories of "gay" or "straight" on multiple levels, all of our attraction ends up being stigmatised in mostly the same ways. so for binary people, there literally is a difference between how same-gender attraction feels compared to other attraction, but nonbinary people may not feel that with their specific gender, it's way more likely for us to feel more drawn to nonbinary people in general, or transgender people in general, which is way broader than "same-gender attraction".

this definition is also ultimately born from previous definitions like "attraction to the same and the opposite gender" which leaves no space for nonbinary people, or "experiencing both gay and straight attraction" which also leaves no space for us, as well as overall framing bi people as half gay and half straight. no matter how much we reword that same definition, it can't truly account for nonbinary people as a community. it also just feels like a way to justify why the prefix "bi" is there, if people can frame it as attraction to two distinct groups or whatever. the reality is that etymology isn't destiny and i don't care if bi means exactly two in most cases, here it clearly does not.

i'm not telling anyone to stop using that definition for themselves, but it isn't and cannot be the main definition of bi because it excludes and alienates so many bi people.

there is a reason why most bi organisations use the "attraction or potential attraction to more than one gender" definition, as it's the broadest, most inclusive definition all the other definitions can find a home under.

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #571

...I gotta say, I'm really enjoying this new keyboard. Writing to you is a lot less stressful now that everything is working properly. All of the keys type exactly one letter when I press them. None of them fail to type letters. None of them type double or triple letters (this has been a thing since initially purchasing the laptop – very annoying). So now, I'm back to typing between 75-80 words per minute, which is really nice (I don't type with all my fingers, and I don't use “home” position, but I also don't need to look; I'm not sure if there's a word for my typing style, such as it is); getting my thoughts out quickly is important, because sometimes they'll crumble and fade away before I get them written on the screen; I really hate when that happens. It's like trying to hold onto the fragments of a dream. Or maybe it's more like trying to hold too much wet sand in your hands.

I went to my shift at work today, but it was weird. Instead of doing the usual 9am until 1pm, today's shift was from 1pm until 7pm. So I had lots of time in the morning to do whatever. I used my “whatever” time to make myself some hotdogs and peel myself an orange!!

I also hung out with J. He was supposed to go do gliders, but... I was home. So he chilled at home with me. And that felt really nice. I had lots of extra time after eating, so I used it to breathe life into today's wishes for ya:

Tr was there when I got into work. But as it turned out, she needed to leave very soon after I got in; for whatever reason, she decided to give me an affectionate smack on my tush on the way out??? Which I don't mind, coming from her or from other people I feel close to and know well; her intentions definitely were not sexual or coercive or intimidating or entitled in any way, whatsoever. But we did discover that I squeak awkwardly when I'm harmlessly startled in such a fashion during a non-focus-intensive task, and then we both laughed really hard at that; it was pretty freaking great!

I'd be comfortable with similar behavior from Ka, too; she also knows me well and has no sexual intentions towards me. I'd accept similar from my friend R, my friend A and his husbands, my friend BB, and my friend V (not that any of them would). They are male, a trio of males, female, and non-binary, respectively. But they all know me well, and I trust them; it is, in my head, with them at least, just a silly form of platonic intimacy. They'd all just want me to laugh; they wouldn't be trying to do some weird power play or get their jollies off.

I would not, at this time, accept such a thing from anyone else who is not already a romantic partner. Most other people are not close enough to me for that. And the one who is close enough to me for that currently does have sexual intentions towards me (which is not unwelcome, but the requisite 6 months have not yet elapsed) that my brain would not be able to separate from the action.

Basically... I'd be comfortable with it from a person who I am certain is using the gesture as an expression of established closeness and trust and as a means to affectionately elicit surprised joy. I would not be comfortable with it from a person with whom I do not feel trust and closeness, or from a person I'd have to question whether or not they're using it as an excuse to gratify themself by touching my butt without my consent (M and J have that consent as well as trust and closeness). Male, female, non-binary, intersex, trans, it doesn't matter.

In any case, I had the department basically to myself from 1pm until 7pm. It was kinda lonely and anxiety-producing, to be sure. So as I did my tasks, I sang - to the familiar songs on the radio playing on the store sound system, and to the songs playing in my own head. I put cookies in boxes, sliced up Italian bread, labeled everything and put it out, set up kaiser rolls on trays for baking tomorrow morning, and helped customers in between. And after all that, of course, I sliced, bagged, and labeled the remaining breads, put the used trays back where they go, took out the trash, recycled the cardboard, wiped down the tables and bread case, swept, mopped, and made everything look neat and tidy. I got a lot done in 6 hours, and I'm not feeling completely demolished – just a little drained, is all.

The guy who Ka said was flirting with me returned at some point today for another sourdough loaf. This will be the third time he's come to chatter a little with me while doing that, for reasons I don't fully understand. His name is Steve, I guess. I don't find him unpleasant, but I assume he has better things to do with his life than talk to some random, chubby, out-of-shape, socially awkward, going-on-middle-aged grocery store grunt. Most folks come, get their bread, make a small amount of obligatory small talk, and leave. This one speaks in more than just the obligatory ways with which I've grown accustomed in this space. And it's not a bad thing; I just... I wonder why.

Also notably, a pair of Portuguese women came in looking for “braided buns”. Thankfully, one of the women had her phone, and I had mine, so we made ample use of Google Translate to bridge the language gap. Sadly, we didn't have what they were looking for; the only thing we have that's braided is some strudel, which we didn't have, and some challah, which wasn't what they were looking for. So they moved on.

...Though I was by myself, overall, I had a fun day at work. I'm tired – too tired to work on any music box today. But... I feel content. I got home, and decided that tacos were the thing. So I got tacos:

...I wonder if you like tacos. I wonder if you've had tacos before...

...I wanna write to you some more, but I should get ready for bed soon. J wanted to wake up early to play Valheim with me. This time, we'll be able to fight Eikthyr; I am eager to get a pickaxe in his hands and see what he does with it...!!!

So I guess for now, I'll bid you good night. I love you so much, and I hope you're keeping yourself safe out there.

...Please try really hard to avoid making choices that lead to a gaggle of protagonists beating you up, okay? I don't want that to happen to you anymore. I don't wanna see you get beaten and slashed and bloodied up anymore. I don't wanna see you getting hurt anymore. So try really hard, okay? Promise me? Please?

I'll write again tomorrow. Hopefully all about J's new adventures with the pickaxe we get from crafting with Eikthyr's horns. Wish us luck...

Your friend, Lumine

[gatheringbones]

there is considerable cultural pressure to ensure that I approach being a lesbian as a white woman lesbian.

some of my duties and responsibilities as a white woman lesbian are to define and impose and reinforce the binary of lesbian and not lesbian, just as I’m meant to define and reinforce the binaries of white and nonwhite, women and not women, threat and non threats, and so on. white woman cultural conditioning further positions me as a civilizer and teacher; I am meant to use those positions of power on those who betray or corrupt the binary. I am supposed to civilize them better, teach them better, parent them out of doing anything that weakens the binary.

there are duties I am meant to carry out as a white woman lesbian upon being confronted with a false lesbian. She (never he or they or zie or hir) must abide by the binary. She must have the genitals a lesbian is meant to have and she’s meant to call them very specific words. She must sleep with all the right people. She must relate to them in the exact right way. She must relate to the people who assault or rape her in exactly the right way. Her language must be pure, scientific, forthright, and describe her in totality. It must be very simple for Men to understand. She mustn’t be mad and said things that don’t tie to scientific reality in the way that mad people often say things. I might let any other mad person say whatever they wanted about their sexuality without question, but not lesbians, who must know better. There is nothing interesting or worthwhile to be gleaned from the ravings of a mad false lesbian, which is why they must be suppressed. nobody needs to hear that shit.

I must emphasize my white woman lesbian fragility when I teach, civilize, parent and correct false lesbians. I must remind everyone that the Men are always listening, always looming, and will tear into us like starving wolves the second they overhear a lesbian say something that makes them feel entitled to all of us. I must remind everyone of how powerful the Men are and how we can’t do anything to stop them and never have. I must position the mad false lesbian as a judas goat in our midst leading us to slaughter. I must position history in such a way that suggests that the only way lesbians have attained any degree of power and safety is by doing exactly what the Men want in exactly the way they are capable of understanding.

something dreadful and grotesque will take place if I don’t do this. the word lesbian will undergo a terrible degeneration/rebirth like the chernobyl elephant’s foot. I certainly mustn’t stand and watch to see where it goes from there. I mustn’t.

[blue-dream-boye]

🩷 LOVE IS LOVE 🩷

Angel Dust x Reader

It’s been several weeks since you and Angel officially started dating, and you couldn’t be happier! Still, there’s just something that can’t seem to stop nagging at you…

A/N: I am what I am, and I do what I want 💙 Here’s a completely self-indulgent vignette of Angel Dust being a supportive partner! I noticed that people tend to write him as being exclusively attracted to men—which is fine and valid—although I personally felt left out at times as someone with a complicated non-binary identity. So, I figured, why not throw my own hat into the ring?

Content Warnings: Negative Self-Talk, Discussion of Sexual Dynamics, Sex Toy Mention

Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Queer Identities, Reader is multigender and disabled, Angel is an m-spec gay and switch

Words: 577

“Do ya really think things will work out between us?”

You fiddled with the hem of your shorts, too ashamed to look your boyfriend in the eyes—nevertheless, you can feel his own boring holes through you.

“Hell of a question you got there, babe–” he remarked. “Where’s this comin’ from all of a sudden?”

Taking a deep breath, you finally mustered up the courage to meet his gaze.

Heavens above, what a gorgeous man.

“It’s just… maybe I’m misunderstanding things here—you’re into guys, right? You’re Angel Dust, the gay porn star who loves to suck dick and only messes around with the ladies if you’re paid extra! I-I mean, I’m not exactly a girl– But I’m not a hundred percent a boy either. Sometimes, it’s both, or this big queer amalgamation! I like to dress up too. Just can’t help but wonder if I’m a good fit for ya.”

As soon as the words tumbled out of your mouth, you felt ridiculous.

Would it kill you to grow a spine? Are you really so fragile that you need to depend on what others think over and over again?

“Oh, hon… c’mere.” The spider beckoned you to take a seat by his side. You gladly complied, making yourself comfortable against his lanky frame. Your racing mind—which had been on the verge of spiraling—slowed to a halt.

Angel crossed his arms behind his head and leaned back on the couch, staring up at the ceiling with a thoughtful expression.

“It’s true that you ain’t my usual type. You could say that.”

Your body stiffened. So he does admit it.

“But…” The spider shot a sideways glance in your direction. “That don’t mean that what we got goin’ on right now ain’t real.”

It took you a moment to register what he had just said.

“No kidding?”

He gave you an earnest smile. “No kidding. You got a lot goin’ for ya! There’s your great sense of humor, your smarts, your kind heart… and yeah, you’re cute. A perfect ten in my book. What’s there not to love?”

You felt your cheeks grow hot from the praise.

“Aw shucks,” you muttered.

That did help with quelling your anxiety. Unfortunately, your brain was a stubborn beast.

“You, um, and you don’t mind that I’m a bit of a pillow princess, then?” On account of your chronic fatigue, you typically lacked the stamina to play the role of a top—possessing a laughably low energy threshold. Angel easily made up for that. Regardless, you believed it to be unfair to him, knowing that he preferred bottoming.

Angel gawked at you. “Darling! Are ya sure you ain’t the one messing with me?  Of course I don’t mind! Listen–”

Repositioning himself so that you were both eye level with each other, the spider took your shaky hands and gave them a firm, reassuring squeeze.

“Us havin’ sex is just anotha way of bonding. Since we got our own needs, we compromise. I don’t want ya topping if it means you’re gonna end up hurtin’ yourself…” Angel caressed the side of your face, rubbing his thumb on your cheek soothingly.

Your heart skipped a beat, touched by the profound depth of your boyfriend’s affection. Truly, you were blessed to have met him.

He smirked.

“…‘sides, we can get creative. I got a new remote-controlled anal vibrator I’ve been dying to try out.”

Now that was a proposal that left you feeling all warm and fuzzy inside.

[alpaca-clouds]

Respectability Politics suck

Okay, let me talk about respectibility politics and why they suck. The face eating tiger party is gonna eat your face, believe it or not.

And hey, this is a topic that even concerns fanwork and shipping and all of that.

I understand that to many Respectability Politics is a word that gets thrown around a lot, but from what I see a lot of people are not quite sure of the exact meaning.

So, basically Respectability Politics is when a marginalized group tries to police parts of their own culture to be more accepted by the majority culture of whatever country they life in. While not the origin of this, the most classical example of this is queer folks trying to push other queer folks into going into more normative, nuclear families. To further the narrative of "we are not so different from you, love is love!" As such quite a few aspects of queer culture (like cruising, for example, but also ballroom culture and such) were socially frowned upon from those queer folks who were trying to seek acceptance by the majority culture.

Which is exactly also what is happening with those queer folks, who try to exclude trans people. and Those trans people trying to exclude non-binary folks. And trans medicalists, and so on and so forth.

It is also seen within general feminism - where this always has been a big thing. "Sure, I want voting rights, but do you really have to wear trousers?!"

Of course this extends to every other marginalized group. My white ass does not have the right to talk about Black civil rights for the most part, but just think of those people who would go "that is not how you ask for it" when it comes to Black Lives Matter and the like.

Or, for example, in the Disability Rights groups, where some people are trying to exclude some other folks. Or are pushing for a "everybody should want to be healed" narrative.

It really is all around.

We see it within fandom culture, too. The entire "proshipping"/"antishipping" thing expesically nothing but Respectability Politics. Be it respectability politics for fandom culture - or for queer culture, because both things are so closely related.

But the thing is this: No matter how much those people pushing for Respectability Politics do that... they will never be accapted by majority culture. They will be used as pawns for those more right leaning folks on the side of the majority culture to go: "See, even the XY agree with us. It is just XY extremists who see it differently and extremism is bad actually!" But make no mistakes: If those right leaning folks manage to push for laws against any minority group, those laws will be acted out against EVERYONE within that minority group, not just the "deviants".

Because here is the thing: the people who think of queerness as something bad and unnatural, will not leave you alone just because you and your gay husband/wife mime a nuclear family perfectly. They will still hate you, vandalize your house and what not. They might just go for the more "deviant" queers, first.

So, yeah. Fuck Respectability Politics. They do not get you anywhere. And when you need to give up part of yourself and your culture to be accepted, you are not accepted at all.

[your-bigender-big-brother]

A Gender for Stellar Enben (an essay)

Recently, I was under the familiar duress of questioning my gender, which involved trying to conceptualize my relationship with the label of neutrois - this is a gender that can encompass anything from neutrality to genderlessness. The neutral aspect of this gender is what appealed to me the most because that’s what the non-male part of my bigender identity is - neutral, as in not feminine or masculine, not female or male. I was both a man and neutrois, both male and neutral. However, I mostly considered the neutrois label to be a placeholder term, something to give a name to something I nebulously referred to as neutrois. Somewhere, there must have been something more out there for me.

My recurring predicament was that neutrosity is often linked to genderlessness, and I wanted a more specific word to only include neutrality but without any implication of ambiguity (like epicene) or intangibility. It also needed to stand alone as its own identity rather than being combined with another identity, like neutramale or neumasc. What I was looking for was an entirely unaligned, neutral, aporine gender that is not ambiguous or nebulous. It also needs to not be xenine (a quality related to xenogenders) because I don’t find any part of my gender to be outside of the human understanding of gender. Something had to replace the neutrois label with something more accurate to my experience. So, the search began.

Neutral would not do because that’s too vague and only refers to a gender quality - you know, like masculine or feminine. Aporagender is also too broad and despite the focus on neutral aporine genders in neolabel spaces, neutrality is not actually intrinsic to aporinity. I needed aporinity but pulled back to specifically be about neutrality. Ningender is an umbrella term, not a specific gender on its own (much like nonbinary, an umbrella term that can be used by itself, but is not specific enough.) Epicene is neutral, but it’s ambiguous - it lacks distinction between feminine and masculine. Neuter, the final label I considered, is actually a sort of “unlabel” that is meant to represent a refusal to limit oneself to any one label or category. None of these could quite encapsulate just how my gender feels along the abinary spectrum.

Here I was, finding myself doing yet another deep dive into genders. I’d seen a lot of neutral-aligned genders and genders that can include neutrality, and it felt an awful lot like I’d hit a dead end. It felt like I’d seen all these genders before and while a handful of them resonated with me in part, none of them felt like they spoke to me entirely. I scoured gender Wiki sites, my gender hoard, and my own resources on neutral identities. All of my avenues for gender research had been used up as far as I could tell, and I assumed that I might just be stuck calling myself neutrois from here on out.

At a certain point I remembered a recent label I added to my gender hoard: Stellarian. This term, of course, is not a gender. It describes a type of alignment and in this case, unaligned. In its original coining, it was meant to describe “Stellar Nonbinary” people - those who defied the idea of having an alignment forced on them. Somewhere along the way, the general usage of neutral came to mean “unaligned”, as in not aligned with the binary. One can of course be called neutral-aligned, which I had always believed was separate from unaligned, but I could never put into words why I thought this. I guess I wanted neutrality to have its own personhood, because one of my genders is a neutral one and that aspect is important to me. Not feminine, not masculine, but also not so far as to be outherine. It was simply neutral. What exactly did I think neutrality was? Why did I try so hard to define it outside of being unaligned?

Of course, this can be entirely a preferential thing. Someone might decide that they want to call themselves neutral-aligned, but they don’t consider themselves unaligned. To them, these might be two different things because maybe neutrality is so important that the concept in and of itself is an alignment. Someone else, however, might see neutrality as unalignment, as being unaligned with any existing gender quality - no masculinity, no femininity, no androgyny, no outherinity, nothing. I find myself more in this range nowadays but, instead of seeing myself as unaligned, I reject alignment as a concept altogether. I’ve always refused to see myself as aligned with any kind of gender or quality. Because of this, it made more sense for me to say that my gender is neutral. It’s very similar to those who prefer to call themselves aphorian instead of abinary, because the former rejects the concept of the binary. I reject the concept of alignment.

With all of this in mind, I began to wonder if stellarian should have a gender form - something that is a specific ningender, unaligned with any kind of gendered concept, but not related to genderlessness as neutrois is. It needed to have that same trait that neutrois has, a gendered element that “softens” the very strongly gendered male side of me (making my malehood a demimalehood.) The cosmic theme of stellarian also appealed to me, so I wanted to keep that intact and find something similar to the stellar name. These were very specific details that I could find in some neutral genders, in part, but never altogether in one definition.

This is where I would come up with the term asteresque - a gender that is entirely neutral and unaligned at its core, but is not genderless (which makes it an aporagender.) It lacks ambiguity which differentiates it from terms like epicene and it is abinary, completely unrelated to the gender binary or anything in between. The neutral quality of this gender can often “soften” or “neutralize” one’s gender, sort of like neutrality creates a more subdued male experience for me. It pushes the limits of neutrality not only as an unalignment, but as a neutrality that is active.

“Asteresque”, of course, means “star-like.” It calls back to the stellarian identity, an identity that is astral by name. It's a name that matches my love for outer space and its many celestial bodies, which were the inspiration for the entire galactian alignment system (where terms like stellarian, lunarian, and solarian come from.) It’s not necessarily a xenogender but some xenogender folks might like to see it that way, given that it’s inspired by the cosmos.

So, I am astereque, at least partially so. My bigender identity consists of malehood and a specific kind of neutrality I’ve been lucky enough to give a name to. With a name that can encompass a variety of gendered feelings, I can see myself explaining my gender by name first and then having the opportunity to delve into all its intricacies for those who are curious. I can see myself saying “Let me tell you a little bit about my stellar nonbinary identity.” It feels more me than neutrois ever did (though neutrois will, of course, always hold a special place in my heart. It’s a wonderful label.)

I hope to see more asteresque folks, truly. This is a term that means a lot to me, but it’s not so exclusive to my experience that other people can’t relate to it in some way. Maybe more and more astral nonbinary folks will start coming out, experimenting with all that asteresque can be and coming up with even more detailed language to talk about what their gender feels like and what being astral means to them. This is what every neolabel coiner dreams of, to see their terms used by people who connect so deeply with them that they become an intrinsic part of their identities. - 💙💚

[cherryblossomshadow]

The scene in question

Excerpt from "The Family Treasure" NBC Quantum Leap (2024) 2x10

Transcript:

Sarah Malek: Oh my god, are you okay? Are those bandages? Are you hurt? Dean Malek: Not exactly. *takes off shirt to reveal chest bindings* It is a bandage, but that’s not why I wear it.

.

Ian Wright: Wow. Transmasculine in the ‘50s. I mean, I had a hunch. But this is … Jenn Chu: Isn’t that dangerous though, binding with elastic bandages? Ian: Good eye. Look at you. But there weren’t exactly a lot of options back then. Dean must feel so alone.

.

Sarah: I don’t understand. Dean: When I wear this, I feel more like myself. Sarah: So do you want to be a man? Dean: No. That’s not it. Sarah: Do you think it’s shameful to be a woman? Dean: No! Being a woman is great … for some people. But I’m not really one or the other. I’m just Dean.

…

Ben Song as Nadia Malek: You look badass. Dean: You two like the whole “miss” and “ma’am” thing, but that’s not me. And I’m … I don’t want to be “sir,” necessarily. I wish I had better words for it. Ben: You know, my best friend b-back at, um, finishing school- Ian: *laughs* Ben: They also feel the same way. So they ask us to use “they” and “them” instead of “he” or “she,” which is really binary. Dean: Binary like spy code? Ben: Yes, and also, a binary is anything with only two possibilities. A light switch is either on or off. A person is either good or bad. Sarah: But I don’t think that’s true. Ben: Exactly. So we need more possibilities than binary, right? Ian: *tears up* Ben: My friend identifies as nonbinary. Dean: I like that. Sarah: So that’s what you are, nonbinary? Dean: I mean, I’m not ONLY that. But yeah. Feels like me. Sarah: But you’re still my sister? Dean: I’m your sibling. Sarah: Okay. I can live with that. Come here *hugs them* I love you, Dean. Dean: I love you, too. Thank you for listening to me when I tell you who I am. Ian: Well done, Ben Song

.

See also:

[windcarvedlyre]

blorbo asks game: 5, 8, 9?

Ask game

Tyvm!! These were really interesting to think about.

5. What’s the thing you dislike the most about your Blorbo?

Splitting these into as a person and in terms of writing; those are very different things and I love flawed characters.

Venti

As a person: Doesn't do enough for characters that run themselves ragged in his name, imo. His light touch approach to Mondstadt is really respectable, I understand exactly why he does it, but there are times when it can feel a bit cowardly.

In terms of writing: I dislike how a large amount of the development of his relationships with other characters happens offscreen. While it does create a sense that characters have their own personal lives that don't revolve around the Traveller, and increases the secretive feeling around the guy, it wastes a lot of potential.

Komaeda

As a person: His ideology is like one step away from advocating for eugenics. He will act on said ideology in ways that unnecessarily endanger many other people's lives in dangerous situations. The way he is did not come to be in a vacuum- he's unwell, isolated, and has internalised horrible societal ideas to a high degree and genuinely believes he's acting for the greater good- but it's a huge problem nonetheless.

In terms of writing: The extremely ableist way in which DR2 frames him as I discussed in a prior reply. I can't even look down on people who aren't dedicated fans if they come away from their playthrough seeing him as just some lunatic, because if you don't happen to hang out with him in the first half of the first chapter it isn't even an option to try to understand him better. He deserved to be handled with more care.

Shadow Milk

As a person: Gestures at. At all of him. We witness or learn about some new/different low he's sunk to every time he comes back. It's incredible.

In terms of writing: He's definitely suffering from being in a mobile gacha game that keeps cutscenes relatively short and uses limited assets. Basically any scene or plotline he's in conceptually goes hard but could have been pushed much further in its execution, and I desperately wish the story medium was some sort of animation or comic instead to do everything justice visually. It pains me that we don't even get to see the murals he showed PV about his past, only one still that might approximate one of them in his pull animation.

8. Is your Blorbo an introvert or extrovert?

It's a false binary; everyone needs some amount of socialisation and breaks from socialisation to be healthy, it's just that those minimums can really vary between individuals.

Still:

Venti comes across as relatively extroverted. He clearly enjoys being the centre of attention and interacting with loads of people in loads of places, just provided they're treating him like an equal.

Komaeda, while clearly lonely and really appreciative of Hinata's company, is probably still really introverted. He seems to enjoy quiet, relatively solitary activities more than anything else, and navigating conversations with others without pissing them off is probably an exhausting minefield for him. I could see him self-isolating a little less post-DR2 after his self-image improves and his classmates come to understand and sympathise with him more, but he's never going to be the life of a party.

Shadow Milk is... complicated? He's almost dripping with a need for other people's attention, company and approval... but spending a very very long time being dehumanised and deprived of any real emotional support could make anyone desperate, and the sort of archetype he used to be tends to be more introverted. Maybe he could become more balanced if he starts to heal and build genuine connections with others? Or maybe he'll always enjoy performing to a crowd more than anything else. Who knows?

9. Describe your Blorbo in 3 words

This might be my favourite question so far. It's difficult to boil someone down to three, especially for characters for whom we have a lot left to learn about.

Venti: parental, avoidant, bittersweet?

Komaeda: passionate, paradoxical, yearning?

Shadow Milk: vindictive, lonely, desperate?