#writing PTSD

[legalandnotease]

Thankyou for this post.

My major, major gripe with The Falcon and the Winter Soldier is that it was determined to sell us this idea Bucky's trauma was "solved" and his mental health issues simply disappeared. This was done for the sake of the "happy ending" (and also dare I say to make Sam look good. They wnated Bucky to be the first person he "fixed" to prove he's so good at it).

The problem is so many people bought into the idea. Whenever you said that his trauma wasn't gone they'd cry: "You just don't want him to heal!"

No, Bucky fans do want him to heal but whatever they heck that was in TFatWS wasn't healing. It wasn't even close to being actual beneficial trauma-informed therapy or treatment even.

You said it best: everyone just pretended like Bucky's scars didn't exist. The show pretended that his only problem was recurring nightmares and they went away by "making amends" so he's all better now.

He's not.

Thunderbolts, well... it had its issues but a lot of the storylines mentioned in this post didn't happen. There was no romantic "thing" between Bucky and Yelena. There wasn't really any "lighter side" except a few silly banter scenes.

I actually liked the movies' depiction of depression. I also like the fact that for all its flaws the movie acknowledged the fact that Bucky *isn't okay*. He hasn't been okay for a long time. He's letting himself "slip" because of that.

...and still people don't get it. They think that Bucky being sad is ooc. That its bad writing. That its "reversing his character development" when if anything its the opposite. Its showing how broken and damaged and messed up he still is.

no cause we left him here so wtf happened

[poppy5991]

Just like your regular dreams and nightmares, PTSD nightmares are not going to be a straightforward recollection of events. It’s going to be fragments of what your brain is trying to process while you’re asleep.

[redd956]

Writing Reference: Trauma Aging the Appearance

For my fellow angsty and whumpy writers who are writing characters that have been through a lot.

Does trauma actually speed up one's aging?

Yes, and no. Studies show mixed evidence, that requires more looking into as it's more complex than initially thought.

We mostly know that some people do seem to age faster during trauma like violence or some abuse, but not as much so for poverty or neglect. Genetic factors might play a role. People who seemed to age faster would have puberty earlier than others and even show signs of accelerated aging at a cellular level.

We're still doing ongoing research about what this means and what decides this.

The general theory behavioral scientists and biologists are leaning on is that aging faster during in dangerous traumatic times serves an evolutionary advantage.

As for adults, significant results show that depression can be a damper of lifespan, especially for elders, but there's a lot outside of trauma that influences this.

Graying Hair

Stress, not even just trauma, but stress alone can gray your hair. Genetics can play a role of course, but you've ever seen a single mom you know that they have to buy lots of hair dye.

Many hormones and chemicals activate when stressed, and double so when entering a form of shock, adrenaline rush, or total despair. One of those chemicals is norepinephrine.

Norepinephrine actually affects your melanocyte stem cells, the exact cells that stand at the base of each string of hair, and if these melanocytes die off they can't be replaced and the hair happens to lose pigment.

People typically start to gray around their forehead, sides of their faces, and central scalp. It takes a long time for someone's whole head of hair to completely gray, and usually someone will rock half-grayed hair for a long while before aging catches up if their gray is caused from stress. Facial hair can also gray.

Wrinkles and Tear Troughs

Dark eye circles, stress wrinkles, deep tear troughs, heavy eye bags... We've all heard it. Do these actually happen though?

Yes, absolutely. I can even vouch anecdotal evidence, as a severe abuse survivor myself, if you pull up old pictures of me I look like I was just pulled out of someone's back shed that had a magical portal to a world war.

Stress Wrinkles

Stress causes tenseness, and that includes in the face. This tenseness for long periods of time can cause wrinkles, especially in individuals past their late twenties. Some common stress wrinkles we see is between the eye brows known as frown lines, forehead lines, bunny lines that are between the nose and cheeks often near the nostril area, and smile lines that around the mouth.

Tear Troughs

Those lines you typically see right at the top of the nose and underneath the eyes are actually deep tear trough lines, I have these myself.

They can sometimes give the appearance of sunken eyes, dark circles, and heavier eye bags due to lighting on your face. Deep ones are referred to in the cosmetic industry as tear trough deformities. They can be caused by genetics of course, but also heavy sleep deprivation, dehydration, stress, and significant weight loss.

Many would describe their appearance as making a person always look extremely tired. They can also have a sort of darker hue to them as they leave the skin thin against your sockets. They can help eye bags form as well.

Eye Bags & Dark Circles

When you're always tired or experiencing a lack of sleep the muscles around the eyes can become strained, leading to puffiness and color tinting. Fatigue, depression, and lack of sleep messed with your blood flow. We can the see the results of so in places with thin skin such as the eye area.

Inflammation, dehydration, malnourishment, and weight loss cause these areas to discolor as well.

Sunken Eyes

One day I found an old picture of my brother and I. We looked mostly like normal kids besides our eerily sunken eyes.

Sunken eyes look different from eyebags and dark circles, and you typically know when you see them because they leave you feeling chilled or spooked. Something just looks so very very wrong in them. They are dramatic, really really dramatic, and can even be frightening depending on their severity.

Dehydration is a major player in causing sunken eyes, as well as damage to the facial structure from physical trauma. Sleep deprivation can cause it. Pair this with all the other above stress agers, and one can walk out into the world with a sunken appearance.

Sunken eyes can appear very dark, red, purple, or black even, and leave deep grooves underneath the eye. They can cause the eyelids to appear droopy, and the eyes intense and bulging. The eyes are literally deeper into the socket and they truly are best described as sunken.

Sunken eyes can also cause eye dryness, give the face a sense of asymmetry in eye positioning, cause double vision, difficulty focusing, and a sagging look to the skin around the eyes and eyelids.

Thousand Yard Stare & PTSD Eyes

I'm sure you've seen the famous artwork by Thomas Lea going about capturing an American soldier looking to the perspective with these horrific eyes.

PTSD eyes and the thousand yard stare are two completely different things.

Thousand Yard Stare

The thousand yard stare is a biological response people can have due to extreme violence and danger such as war. Wikipedia describes the stare as blank and unfocused. It is a reaction to shellshock or CSR which are both really terms for active PTSD while still under extreme duress such as in war combat.

In fact there are plenty other reactions that can happen alongside the thousand yard stare or in its stead, including...

Catatonia

Hypervigilance

Dissociative Amnesia

Uncontrollable Laughter

Tremors

Headaches/Migraines

Tinnitus

Neurasthenia (Sudden Muscle Weakness)

Mutism

Fugue

Sensory Overload

Screaming

Paralysis

Fear Response

Dissociation

And many many more

This is shellshock/combat stress reaction, and these things actually aren't limited to those in war. Anyone experiencing any kind of extreme shock in traumatic situation such as sexual assaults, murder, sudden death of a loved one, torture, kidnapping, and more.

These things very much often develop into PTSD, and although a rare reaction to returning extreme stress, those with PTSD can sometimes mimic these reactions during a flashback episode.

PTSD Eyes

Then what is PTSD eyes?

PTSD Eyes is a term coined to describe that sort of unique look in the eyes that those with PTSD can exhibit. This is caused by a lack of pupil reaction to threatening or upsetting imagery compared to the average person, and meanwhile an exaggerated reaction to nonthreatening imagery.

People with PTSD eyes can actually have a harder time focusing on things with their sight. This can also give people with PTSD a general unfocused sort of look.

In a series of pictures showing soldiers before, during, and after war we can see this very often in the after image.

Weight Loss

Malnutrition and starvation is extremely hard on the body, and very dangerous. It will show in every facet on your appearance. Your face can grow sunken and sharp, your arms and chest boney and gangly, and the muscles and bone structure underneath starts to show.

Often times trauma and weight loss can go hand in hand, not even through relation, but just due to circumstance.

Pale Complexion

Pallor, or medical paleness, can be a result of fatigue and stress, giving the skin a paler or grayer appearance.

Other causes can be shock, malnutrition, vitamin deficiencies, anemia, recent blood loss, and even low blood sugar. After some time and care to the body people will eventually brighten back up.

Extra Sources & Farewell

Here's some awesome sources if you want to look into things even more!

[not-poignant]

Happy New Year! My question is for Arden in Falling Falling Starz. Does he compartmentalise when he practices Judo? I’ve never done Judo but I’ve done Jiujitsu and there is a lot of touching in that sport that I would think falls into his hard limit touching.

There is a ton of grappling in judo!

But it doesn't trigger Arden. First, he's very competent at it, so he's actually confident he can throw just about anyone that comes at him, and when he's putting himself in positions to be thrown it's specifically with newbies / people he's educating so he can control the situation.

Second, he started learning before he was molested/assaulted, so his associations with the dojo, and that kind of touch/pressure/movement, were already firmly in place as something safe and fun.

Third, it's non-sexual!

Fourth, triggers aren't logical. This one should probably have gone first, because it's the most important one. Triggers aren't logical. As an example, I have a C-PTSD and PTSD from a lot of different things, and as an example of a hit-and-miss trigger around surgical trauma, I can't watch any reality TV about medical stuff or surgeries but I can watch medical dramas if they're fictional and handle people talking about medical stuff they've gone through. I don't know why reality TV is the hard line, and I don't need to, and no one else needs to, that's where the trigger manifests (that and in real hospitals). You'd assume, using your logic, that because there's a lot of exposure to medical stuff and graphic surgical depiction in fictional TV on the subject, or in friends talking about it in detail, I'd find it equally as triggery but I don't not only find it less triggery, I don't find it triggery at all. That part of my brain simply doesn't wake up, and has zoned it into the safe zone.

Triggers don't have to be consistent - in fact it's more realistic if they're not.

Judo is a non-sexual sport that was brought into Arden's life before he was hurt by his brother, where Arden is very competent and knows what he's doing. Despite the proximity and physical closeness, judo helped Arden to feel safe and protected, especially in the chaotic aftermath of what happened to him. And also: triggers do not give the smallest shit about being consistent and/or logical. Like, sometimes, they do! And sometimes it's just...they do not care.

[butterflyscribbles]

“I just wanted you to know that….”

[defire]

Crying in their sleep

Content: fear, ptsd

"no no, stop, stop it, stop it!!"

Quiet, tearless whimpers

Opening their mouth and trying to form words and nothing comes out

Grunt and flailing, panting, "don't. Touch."

"ow ow ow... " Grimacing, hands and toes clenched painfully tight.

Curled up with their arms wrapped around themselves, "can't do this on my, please,"

Whispering caretaker's name, "I'm sorry." Bonus--this whumpee is really great at masking their anxiety.

Choking sounds. when caretaker wakes them up, worried that they're choking in their sleep, whumpee comes awake with a gasp of horror, scrambling away from caretaker as far as they can go, before they blink and recognize them as not aggressor

Waking up bolt upright, gasping for air, looking around them with a terrified, shocked expression

Bonus--bolt upright and they bonk their head on the upper bunk, now they're rubbing their head and wincing

[poppy5991]

Hi, yes it’s me again talking about my experiences with PTSD and how it’s written about.

I see people writing the PTSD symptom “preoccupation with death/mortality” as very serious, morbid contemplation. Which yes, it can happen that way. But if you want an alternate framework, you can write it as very flippant (like my PTSD was lol)

It’s this ^ it’s basically this

Yeah, for a character with PTSD it may make total sense for them to have a notable lack of fear associated with their own death/mortality. You may want to consider your character’s risk averseness when deciding which way to go on that spectrum.

I.e.

Might as well do the thing, I can’t control death and we’re all gonna die anyway! In fact, I’ll probably die young for no discernable reason!

Vs.

I’m paralysed by fear of death and have gone to great lengths to avoid risk to give me a false sense of control.

Both can be reflections of PTSD, but make very different characters.

[poppy5991]

From a person who had PTSD as an adult, this is not restricted to children. In fact, it’s one of the main symptoms of PTSD.

It’s called avoidance.

A person who cries or experiences extreme emotions immediately following an event is actually probably processing things normally.

On the other hand, PTSD often manifests as completely refusing to engage with any negative emotions or memories associated with the event. Everything is fine. I am fine. This didn’t affect me. There’s no reason for me to be upset about it. (Especially common in secondary PTSD)

Are you ok? I said I’m fine, can you leave me the fuck alone? Why don’t you mind your business?

Because yeah when people try to push past your avoidance, a person with PTSD will lash out or isolate themselves further. They may use substances or overwork to push down emotions. May feel numb or dissociated. It may manifest as an inability to identify one’s emotions.

(Really though: early on my therapist would ask me how I felt about something and I would use phrases like “It’s not great or It’s not ideal”

Yes, but how do you feel? Which emotion?

Me: Bad??? I don’t know)

And very commonly among people who work in high trauma fields —> I’m early stages, you’ll see people tell it as joke or funny/interesting story, but start to begin manifesting smaller signs that they are not functioning well- not eating, not sleeping, overcaffeination, underperforming at work, isolating or detaching from their social network, being on autopilot, having conflicts with people around them, etc.

It can also manifest as physical symptoms like headaches and muscle aches, random vomiting, fatigue, high HR/BP, or teeth problems because your body is on high alert ALL the time. They were 4 different people who I worked with who cracked teeth open during COVID due to constant jaw clenching and I managed to crack a filling.

In early PTSD, the symptoms are a lot more subtle. It doesn’t look like someone who is flipping out.

And yeah, you do have to continue with your everyday life and sometimes you work in a field where you re-traumatized or are chronically exposed to trauma and it can compound. Instead of having one big meltdown, it’s more realistic to think how the trauma may affect daily life. If you never feel safe and your brain can’t find the threat, it will make one. It impacts your decision making because your beliefs become more extreme to try and contextualize what happened.

And if you do flip out, weeks or months later…it will often seem completely out of the blue and make no sense to the people who know and love you.

(For example: A paramedic who responded to a child that died in a car accident last month suddenly flips out on their spouse for taking too long to buckle up their kid in a car seat.)

"Character doesn't act traumatized"

The flaw with the criticism of "this character isn't acting traumatized, you need to show how this event changed them" is that a lot of people experience EXTREME traumatic events and think it's normal. Their behavior might change in subtle ways, but they mostly just continue with their life.

This is especially true in children/young characters. See example here:

[inkskinned]

i'm still trying to piece together the truth of it. when you left, you said: feel free to spin this narrative however you want. i have no idea if you were being cruel or if you just genuinely don't remember what you've done to me.

it's hard because i'd done so much of the work for you. i had seen the parts that flaked off, the rust underneath. i started separating you into two people - the one i loved, and the one who hurt me. i had this fantasy version of you - my partner - and then i had this stranger, a third person who would show up randomly to shatter me. i am deliriously glad i'm no longer with "the stranger". i miss the gentle (unreal?) "other" you terribly.

at first, i was so strict about my boundaries. i remember telling you to get the fuck out of my house if you were going to talk to me like that. by the end: i would justify your behavior for you, accepting even your mistreatment as "my fault" in the grand scheme. i look back on the person i was before you - smart, independent, confident - and i feel a strange sense of detachment. i don't even recognize me.

even in one of our last conversations, you said: if you want a partner that always talks warmly to you, find someone else. there was a time that a comment like that would have made me leave. and instead, somehow, i just placidly accepted that kind of thing. you were literally telling me that i wasn't allowed to have a reaction to your cruelty - and i just took it, because you'd so fully turned things around on me.

when people are faced with irrationality, a rational brain tries to make sense of it. this is the trap. they're lovely in the morning, gentle and blue-eyed and sweet. like nothing even happened, they breeze around the house and kiss you on the mouth. but at night; who is that? they snap almost randomly; flying into an impotent rage about just-about-anything. it just doesn't make sense. so the problem must be me, and my brain, and how i think.

the traumatized brain just wants peace. so maybe i'm misremembering. maybe you were just having a bad day. maybe it's actually me.

you eventually would fully turn on me and start implying that i am the bad actor in our relationship. that's what happens, right? that's literally in the playbook. you went to therapy for all of a month, told her a half-truth, co-opted therapyspeak. you figured out how to reframe your actions as "seeking peace." any time i stood my ground, i was "gaslighting." when i asked you to be more gentle, you said i was "tone policing." you said, randomly, i had emotionally manipulated you - i still have no idea what that's even specifically referring to. maybe my consistent requests for calmness and empathy?

and while i literally know better, and i'm sitting here, trained by you, thinking: wait, fuck. was i actually the person you made me out to be?

and the thing that scares me is that i literally do not know if you ever actually saw what you were doing to me. when you'd tell me how you remember arguments, you'd always summarize them in a way where you come off as gentle and easy: "i was trying to set an important boundary." what had actually happened was 15 minutes of you shouting at me i know you did something shady, just admit it already. eventually you'd say my reaction to your shouting (when i finally reacted, which usually happened around hour three) was inevitably "disappointing" and "another way i'm silencing your feelings."

how many times did i ask you - beg you - to just take accountability? looking back, i don't think i ever heard you say: you're right. the way i talked to you was wrong of me.

i am trying to tie together the two people into a full version of you in my head. yes, you made my coffee and made me laugh and spent hours on the phone with me. and yes - you would scream at me until i had to run away and hide behind something.

i wish i did have a narrative i could pull out and shape to my whim. i wish i did have some semblance of reality. instead i just stand here, strange and vibrating, wondering: what the fuck just happened?

[gronnulv]

2011 and 2025

[phantomwithbreakfast]

DANNYMAY DAY 06: Transformation

Day 05 • Day 07

⟢ TW/CW: This Animation Contains Flashing Lights / Strobe Effects — Gore (Disturbing Images). Viewer discretion is advised! This animation and one-shot is made/written to reflect what PTSD really feels like. (More under the cut)

Genre: Angst / Hurt / Horror • TW/CW: PTSD — Dissociation — Graphic Content (Medical Torture / Vivisection — non-consensual experimentation) — Emotional Distress — Identity Crisis • Scarred For Half A Life (phic), my head canon • AU — OOC

Danny stood in his room, bare feet on cold floorboards, the silence pressing in like a weight. His reflection stared back from the mirror—familiar, but… not. There was something almost foreign about the boy in the glass. Yet, for once, he didn’t hate it. He tilted his head, squinted, and gave himself the smallest smile. Maybe—just maybe—he didn’t look like a complete wreck today.

He reached into his pocket, pulled out his phone. A stupid idea, really.

It felt like ancient times ago that he had taken a selfie. But today, something felt different. Lighter. As if the air didn’t taste like smoke and antiseptic for once. He wanted to believe he was healing.

A breath in. Shaky. But there was something soft about this moment. He wanted to remember it.

He raised the phone, adjusted the angle as his thumb hovered over the screen.

Just one picture. Just to remember that not every day is hell.

A stupid selfie—something to mark a day he didn’t hate his life. A tiny victory for himself.

The softest smile ghosted across his lips—brief, fragile. But it faltered, trembling at the edges. He tried. God, he fxcking tried. But even some hope felt like a lie when it slipped away so easily.

Click.

F L A S H.

He didn’t turn it off. The light exploded across the mirror, for one purr of less than a second—a reflection stared back at him that wasn’t his.

It was there. He was there. That room. That table. Cold metal straps biting into his wrists. Screaming—his voice, raw and desperate. His mother’s voice, sharp and clinical. White suits. White pain. The scalpel carving down his chest. Ectoplasm pooled, searing as it poured from every hole—his nose, his ears, his mouth, the open cuts. Burning him from the inside out—like he was leaking his very own soul.

The vivisection—his lungs, his core, the wet, sickening sound of his insides being pried open. Electric shocks ripping through him, leaving jagged scars across his skin, his face. His body jerking, seizing. Helpless. Exposed. Stripped of everything—dignity, safety, humanity. Just… meat under a microscope.

Danny didn’t register the transformation. Suddenly, Phantom stared back—shoulders stiff, eyes blown wide, chest rising too fast. Phantom took over when Danny was too shattered to stand. Phantom kept the body breathing while Danny’s mind was stuck reliving his own dissection.

His hand gripped the phone. He couldn’t breathe. He was shaking, couldn’t feel the ground beneath him. He wasn’t in his room anymore. He wasn’t now. He was then, again.

A breath. Shallow. Sharp. Coming back to present.

He looked down. The photo showed his soft smile. But he wasn’t smiling. He didn’t even feel real.

Everything was fine.

That’s what he kept telling himself.

Everything is fine.

But his throat burned. His skin felt too tight. The phantom pain still whispered under his ribs, behind his eyes.

Nothing was fine.

It never had been.

He crouched to the floor, arms wrapping around his chest, clutching the place they’d cut him open. The place they said it didn’t belong to him. The place he wasn’t allowed to own.

He wanted to scream.

But even now, even here, he was too afraid to make a sound.

The mirror was still there, his own reflection. And that… that was the worst part.

Because he wasn’t sure… which version was real anymore.

⟢ No, I’m not going to show the disturbing image from the animation. It’s—just… no. If you really want to see it, pause the video at that exact moment. I gave Trigger Warnings, so don’t come after me! (:

⟢ Even I find it really disturbing—and I’m a horror / angst / whump fan. Maybe, it’s because it’s Danny, I don’t know. Almost my whole blog is about Danny angst, lol.

⟢ The boy deserves better. He deserves a warm, grounding hug—wrapped up safe in a blanket like a burrito, held tight until the shaking stops. But we wouldn’t want to do that if there wasn’t a reason behind it—so we write angst phics and make angst art. We break him first… so the comfort means something. Poor Danny!

[willthespy]

me when characters (nico) that canonically have ptsd

drawn on my PHONE again i hate ibispaint (4 hours)

CHECK MY PINNED POST!!

[dissociativecollective]

Grieving, grieving, constantly grieving. I mourn what could have been, what should have been, what will not be, what I cannot save.

[fehck]

[gotta-whump-them-all]

Whumpee who can't sleep at night because they're plagued with night terrors.

Whumpee who can't sleep at night because it's hard for them to lay on their bad, due to their scars.

Whumpee who can't sleep at night because they're on high alert; too nervous to let themself fall asleep.

Whumpee who can't sleep at night because they think Whumper will find them when they're sleeping.

Whumpee who can't sleep at night because they're terrified of the dark.

Whumpee who can't sleep at night because of their chronic pain.

Whumpee who can't sleep at night because they are such a light sleeper that the slightest noise wakes them up.

Whumpee who can't sleep at night because they're scared that once they fall asleep, that Caretaker will abandon them.

Whumpee who can't sleep at night because their sleep schedule is so messed up that they sleep whenever.

Whumpee who can't sleep at night because they're scared of Caretaker; they're scared that they'll turn out just like Whumper.

[defire]

More things I just conveniently know

Choking

(i just saw a post about this and wanted to make my own list)

Content: choking, ptsd

Victim that's been choked many times, eyelids fluttering closed as they try to conserve energy

First time, eyes fly open, panicking, trying to gag and can't even get that out

Afterward because of the compression of the trachea, victim ende up coughing and possibly spitting

Those panicky, gravelly breaths right after

The betrayed look sideways at aggressor as victim holds throat and tries to get their breath

Sometimes your body doesn't decide to get faint until after the breath is restored. Victim gasping, hand against the wall for support after aggressir lets go.

Rubbing their throat quietly

Chin down, pulling back reflexively whenever aggressor gets angry after that

Not liking to be touched above the shoulder