#c-ptsd

[majiktriks]

Being dragged into the depths;

Gnawing at me with those vicious teeth

Every taste inflames

It burns

This hell that I keep being dragged back into

Do you want a taste?

[3liza]

the "feeling like something is wrong with you that you have to hide" background noise is often a result of childhood trauma because an abused or neglected child who doesn't rationalize their mistreatment runs the risk of alienating themselves from what little shelter and care is actually being provided. it's theorized that blaming yourself at that age is a way to survive by coming up with a justification for why you're being abused so you don't blame your caregivers for your own suffering, thereby alienating them to the point that you are fed or sheltered or protected even less than you are currently. believing you may be able to "change" so that you're worthy of love also prevents despair/giving up. it's of utmost importance to the survival of very small children to develop a worldview that keeps them alive, even if it's by totally magical thinking and at the cost of their ability to perceive reality or navigate normal human relationships. the same thing can happen to adults in abusive domestic situations.

anyway once you're out of that situation it's time to get really pissed off

[will-i-ever-be-ok]

I think I will always be alone, and it's hard to come to terms with that

[nebulastrax]

That moment when I make a dark humor joke about my mental illness & then everyone gets all serious & concerned.

LAUGH. You’re supposed to LAUGH.

[c-ptsdrecovery]

There is a genuine reason why some people are always worrying (or asking) if their friends are angry with them.

"Childhood sexual and emotional abuse, and physical neglect are linked to more interpretations of neutral facial expressions as contempt and anger." --NIH

[connieaaa]

Not to brag, but I will notice that I am in pain within 3-10 business days.

[nagichi-boop]

I know that this scene is about Shadow grappling with the fact he has alien DNA, but I feel like his thoughts in this scene are relatable to people with conditions like autism, BPD and NPD (not an exhaustive list) who struggle with feeling and being treated like an outcast or monster at times. For some, it’s because we struggle to operate in a world not designed for us. For others, it’s fighting against all the negative perceptions society has of us.

Shadow sees himself as a monster. But Maria assures him that just because he expresses himself differently, that doesn’t make him evil. I feel like especially for people who struggle with empathy, this really hits home. People often assume that people who struggle with empathy, whether cognitive or emotional, are heartless. And for those with personality disorders, they’re often treated as if they are abusive or manipulative just because of the disorder they have, even though people with said disorders are victims of trauma and abuse themselves.

I hope you all have a Maria in your lives. And if not, please remember that it’s your actions that define you, not your neurotype or disorder. If you struggle with socialising, or emotional regulation, or empathy, you’re not a monster. You’re strong for living in a world that so often seems to outcast and insult you. You’re strong for choosing to be as kind as you can be, even though so many people refuse to show that common courtesy in return. Even when you can’t be strong, you are not a monster.

Please be kind to yourselves. You deserve it.

[system-of-a-feather]

Having positive feelings, mixed feelings, or parts that love your abuser doesn’t invalidate the hurt and pain that their abuse had done to you. 

Feeling loved by your abuser doesn’t invalidate the abuse and hurt that was done to you.

Forgiving your abuser doesn’t mean the trauma never happened and the pain is no longer valid.

You are not required or expected to chronically and constantly have purely negative feelings about what happened to you and how you relate to your abuser - especially if that person was a caregiver.

You are allowed to find positives and make the best out of that if that is what is safe, healthy, and helpful for you.

Of course, if you don’t have any positive feelings, that is also completely valid and does not invalidate your hurt or abuse.

Positive or negative, you are allowed to feel what you feel about your abuser / trauma without that feeling reflecting on the validity and reality of the pain that you have been through.

[majiktriks]

Emotional flashbacks are painful to bear. I find myself in a desperate situation to withdraw, needing to curl up believing that tucking myself in can stop the physical pain, but it doesn't. It's frustrating to manage because the lingering somatic symptoms must be experienced. One minute, I'll be talking to someone, reading, shopping, or even walking, and I am randomly struck with somatic symptoms and occasionally visuals. Fear, shame, guilt, and rage engulf me.

Deep breathing helps to cool the "flames" that lick and swirl in my chest; the terrifying endless void is one I am scared to fall in as I know I will never escape. Translating such things to trusted members is challenging, but I believe I will find the language to describe it.

I return to relaxing the body, breathing in and out. All that is poison be expelled from my body, taking in the mysterious love of the universe.

[lena-oleanderson]

Restless - working title for a poem about C-PTSD flashbacks and recovery work. the work works!! but the work is work.

[will-i-ever-be-ok]

It's not even poetic anymore, just wanna die

[3liza]

a BIG problem in trauma and cortisol research is that researchers consistently use the words "cortisol' and "stress" interchangeably, even after it's been demonstrated that blunted cortisol is often found in patients who have both objectively and subjectively experienced more stress than healthy controls. so simply believing that higher subjective stress = cortisol go up doesnt make sense in any medical context, because we know for a fact that your cortisol number isn't correlated with subjective distress except weakly and only in certain contexts. some of the most stressed out people in these studies who have been through the most have the lowest cortisol, and are in fact probably experiencing additional stress because they dont have enough cortisol to deal with the stress-mediated inflammation. so thats a problem

[someplacehigh]

When will I start feeling less *static noises*

[lowcountry-gothic]

Evidence has shown spanking to be connected to how we relate to success and failure even in adulthood. One study found that kids that were spanked in childhood, by adolescence showed an increased reaction in the brain when errors were made. The same study found that in these same adolescents who were spanked in childhood, their brains didn’t respond as strongly to success. This means that you’re more upset when you make an error, making it harder to deal with failure, or simply making a mistake — but when you do it correctly, you don’t get the same good feelings that others do.  We commonly see these outcomes in people with Complex PTSD, including chronic hopelessness (‘I’m always going to mess things up’), shame ('there’s something wrong with me,’) as well as difficulty appreciating when you are successful and life is going smoothly. The study seems to indicate that due to spanking, the brain becomes preoccupied on making mistakes at the expense of appreciating when things go well. It would make sense that this could create some patterns of thinking that focus on what goes wrong, but difficulty focusing on what goes well — setting people up for mental health challenges.

D.L. Mayfield and Krispin Mayfield, STRONGWILLED, Chapter 10: “Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child”

[system-of-a-feather]

I feel people largely missunderstand psychosomatic pain as pain that is "fake" or "just in your head" when it means pain that is the result of a mental condition, often some form of stress.

Stress causes REAL biological and medical issues (heart disease, immune system dysregulation, changes in blood pressure and heart rate, breathing dysfunction, muscle over use and tension) and can cause REAL pain and symptoms.

The only thing about it is that its often harder to effectively treat because its not the result of a regularly persistent issue as the trigger is stress and rooted in a psychological issue.

Its REAL pain from a REAL source.