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a-fictional-reality · 2 years

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To Keep from Drowning

Chapter 9

Read on Archive of Our Own

Dean finds himself standing at Castiel’s door the next morning after breakfast. He wasn’t exactly sure why he felt the need to see his counselor, but the feeling he had the prior night while looking at the hickey in the mirror had run rampant in his mind. He had spent most of the night tossing and turning, unable to sleep, and even while asleep, his mind was stuck with thoughts about his sobriety, about Castiel, and about what he was going to do with his life once he got out of the rehab.

With a clenched fist, he knocked on the heavy wood door raptly three times, waiting for a response. Usually, Castiel was fairly prompt when it came to answering his office door, but when Dean didn’t hear footsteps on the other side of the wall, or see the knob twist from someone opening it on the other side after a long minute, he chewed at his lip in anticipation.

“Are you looking for Dr. Novak?” A feminine voice came from behind Dean and he turned around to see a young woman with her hair pulled back in a tight bun standing at the end of the hall. She had a clipboard pulled tightly to her chest, pressed against her scrubs as she watched him carefully and Dean slowly nodded his head.

“Uh, yeah. I’m his patient and I was trying to see if he was in for the day so I could talk to him about something,” Dean muttered, rubbing the back of his neck and he met her glare. He hadn’t met this woman before, or seen her around the facility, but he could only assume that she was one of the nurses by her attire.

“Ah, you’re Dean,” she said, realization crossing over her face as she stepped forward, “I’m sorry, but Dr. Novak doesn’t come into the office until after lunch on Sundays. He spends the morning at church with his father.”

“Oh, okay,” Dean muttered, dropping his hand by his side before shoving his hands in his jacket pockets and walking back down the hall. The woman watched him carefully as he walked away before saying behind him, “If I see Dr. Novak before you do, I’ll be sure to let him know that you stopped by.”

Dean didn’t respond to the woman, not knowing who she was exactly, or why she kept almost glaring at him initially, but it set an uneasy feeling in his mind as he began to head out of the building. He chewed at his lip as he kept a steady pace though, walking towards the exit before squinting as the sunshine hit his eyes when stepped out the door.

Slowly, Dean glanced over at the gazebo when his eyes adjusted to the light to see Benny leaning on the railing, a cigarette perched between his lips as he stood there alone. Dean had learned the past couple of weeks that most of the other smokers had spent most of their Sundays either working on their programs, attending church services that the facility held for patients, or just goofing off in general; Benny though looked ansty as he stood against the railing, pulling the cigarette from his lips when he spotted Dean making his way up onto the deck.

“You all good?” Dean asked, walking over to Benny as the older man held out his pack of cigarettes, offering Dean one as the younger male took it.

“Yeah, man. Got all my stuff packed. I’m just waiting on my ride to get here now since they wouldn’t let me take the bus home,” Benny muttered, shoving the pack back in his pocket once Dean placed his cigarette between his lips, flicking the lighter, and holding the flame up to the end of the tobacco.

“Who’s giving you a ride?” Dean asked, taking a drag off of the cancer stick, and watching Benny carefully. Benny hadn’t mentioned whether or not he had yet to call his brother about coming to visit, and Dean didn’t want to push him by asking since Benny already seemed pretty nervous about leaving the facility and going back into the world.

Benny took another drag, wisps of smoke leaving his lips as he spoke, “One of the girls from the restaurant I work at. She was the one who dropped me off since I didn’t have anyone else to turn to so it’s only fair that she comes and picks me up.” A smile spread across his lips for only a moment before he continued, “Besides, it’d be nice to see her again. I’m sure she’s been wondering how I’m doing, but I was trying to avoid contacting people while I was here; I wanted to focus mainly on my sobriety.”

“You promise to stay out of trouble once you leave?” Dean asked, a grin spreading across his lips as he lifted a hand to lightly punch Benny on the shoulder.

“Only if you promise not to get into any more trouble yourself, and you give me a call when you’re able to,” Benny muttered, pulling the pack of cigarettes out of his jacket pocket once again, placing the lighter on top and holding it out to Dean.

“What’s this for?” Dean asked, taking it from Benny’s hand, holding onto it for a long moment.

Benny shrugged his shoulders before sighing, “I know you only smoke on occasions, but just in case you want one while you’re still here, you can have the rest of the pack. Something to remember me by. I also wrote my number on the bottom of the pack, so don’t throw it away if you empty it out before you leave.” Benny shot Dean with one of his winks that made the younger male’s face flush before clapping him on the back.

“Thanks for putting up with me the last two weeks, man,” Dean sighed, shoving the pack into his pocket with the lighter. He threw an arm over the older man’s shoulders, pulling him into a side hug to which the taller male reciprocated.

“Likewise, brother. You take care of yourself. Finish your program, maybe steal a kiss or two from that counselor of yours for me, and hopefully we’ll see each other again once you’re on the outside,” Benny muttered, pulling away, shoving his hands into his now empty pockets before turning on his heel.

As Benny dropped his still smoldering cigarette butt into the ashtray that sat in the center of the gazebo, Dean looked up to see Meg walking down the sidewalk, veering off the concrete path to come towards the gazebo.

“Are you ready to go home, Benny?” Meg asked, and the older male nodded his head before Dean pulled his cigarette from his lips, exhaling, before stepping towards the sandpit to extinguish it.

The moment he dropped the cigarette, Benny pulled him into a tight hug, muttering to the younger male, “Don’t forget what I said. Don’t take this as a goodbye either. I don’t want to hear a story from you that you cried after I left.”

Dean let out a raspy chuckle before pulling away, keeping his hand resting on Benny’s arm for a long moment, “I won’t. I’ll see you around, man.”

Benny nodded, stepping down the stairs of the gazebo and walking towards Meg. Dean watched as the two of them walked towards the main building of the facility before taking a seat on the bench, flipping the neon pink lighter around in his hands. Slowly, he pulled out another cigarette, placing it between his lips and lighting it.

Benny was right, it wasn’t truly a goodbye because Dean knew that he would more than likely call the older man to see how he was doing once he went back home. A slight part of Dean hoped though that Benny would keep his promise to stay out of trouble though; all the older male wanted was to be in his niece’s life once again, and working towards his recovery is how he got to that point.

Dean exhaled smoke from his lips, twisting the lighter in his hands once again, a loud sigh leaving his lips.

—

It wasn’t until after lunch that Dean tried to stop by Castiel’s office again. He had spent the rest of his morning either at the gazebo, burning through the pack of cigarettes that Benny left with him, or sitting in the commons room with other patients watching reruns of some old western. He wasn’t sure why he had decided to keep smoking the cigarettes, but it was something about it that reminded him of Benny and since the older man was his only true friend at the facility, a part of him felt lonely.

Once again, Dean knocked three times on the large wooden door of Castiel’s office, and though he stood there for a long moment waiting for a response, it didn’t remain unanswered like it had been earlier in the morning. Instead, Castiel promptly opened the door, a look of confusion crossing over his face before softening the moment he saw the younger man.

“Hello, Dean,” Castiel said, allowing Dean entrance to the space before turning around and fiddling with his tie for a long moment.

“Hi, Cas,” Dean said, shutting the door behind him before making his way over to the couch.

“What brings you to my office today? I know we don’t typically schedule counseling sessions on Sundays so that patients have time to catch up on other things,” Castiel said, walking over to his desk, shuffling some papers around, only looking up when Dean dropped himself onto the leather sofa a little harder than he intended for himself to.

“I just thought I’d come pay my favorite counselor a visit if you’re not busy,” Dean muttered as Castiel stepped across the room before taking a seat in the recliner, folding his hands in his lap.

“While I’m always busy, I always have time to see you, Dean,” Castiel said, a smile crooking the corners of his lips as Dean rubbed the back of his neck before the older man continued, “How was your visit with your brother yesterday? Any more concerns of him finding out that you’ve been seeing someone?”

“Things went well yesterday. Sam brought his girlfriend, Jess, and we took a walk down the trail and talked. Things got a little tense between us at one point, but Benny was able to help with that situation,” Dean said, dropping his hands into his lap for only a moment before twisting his ring through his necklace.

“Tense in what way, if you don’t mind me asking?” Castiel asked, raising an eyebrow with his question.

“It wasn’t anything serious,” Dean began, chewing at his lip, “Sam told me he had an interview coming up for a law school that he’s interested in, and then he brought up his LSAT exam that he took right after I got here, and I had completely forgotten that he had that test coming up since I had all my shit going on. I felt bad because I’ve always looked out for Sammy - always felt the need to after our parents died - but now it seems that he’s growing up and he doesn’t need his big brother anymore to cheer him on from the sidelines, or take him out to dinner when he aces his exams.”

“How old is Sam?” Castiel asked.

“Twenty-two. He probably doesn’t need me as much as I make it seem like he does, but I still need him around, you know? We’ve always been close because it was the two of us trying to get through our rough life together; I think that’s the main reason why he still lives at the apartment with me,” Dean sighed, pulling the ring through the chain once again before dropping it.

“And how did Benny defuse the argument?” Castiel said softly, meeting the younger male’s eyes.

Dean looked away, “He changed the subject, and tried to steer our conversation away from another argument the rest of the time Sam was here. The rest of the visit went perfectly fine after that.”

“How did you feel after Sam and Jess left?”

Dean bit his lip again, “The same way I did last time. I felt overwhelmed, wanted to leave, but I went back to my room instead and decided to write to my higher power, and felt better about it afterwards. It felt kinda good to put it into someone else’s hands in a way. Besides, I’ve only got a couple weeks left and then I can go home.”

“That’s good. You did the right thing by handing it off to your higher power. I’m happy that your program is working for you,” Castiel said, folding his hands in his lap.

Dean smiled, looking down at his hands for a moment before saying, “Yeah, I wanted to come talk to you, but I figured I needed to try and work the program for once. Besides, I’m sure you were busy yesterday evening anyways.”

“You know you can always stop by my office whenever you’d like, Dean,” Castiel said and Dean met the older male’s blue eyes once again before he continued, “Are you busy today? Do you have something you need to take care of or are you okay with staying here with me for a while?”

“I’m not,” Dean said, “Benny left earlier, and I was just watching tv before I came back down here. Did my laundry yesterday evening so I won’t have to worry about that for another week, and then I’m going to start working on the fourth step tonight.”

“Good,” Castiel said, standing to his feet. Dean watched him carefully as the older man walked over to his desk, pulling the curtains on his window shut, and casting the room into a dim light save for a lamp that was on, on the other side of the room.

“Good?” Dean asked, raising an eyebrow as he watched Castiel carefully.

“Yes. I think I made the comment the other day of rewarding you if you ate your vegetables at dinner, and I’ve been thinking about it the past couple of days. I’ve been thinking about applying it to your program as well as an incentive,” Castiel said, walking back over to the couch, standing there for a long moment, “Is it okay if I sit next to you?”

Dean was flustered looking up at the older male before he nodded his head slowly. He had remembered the flirtation that had occurred after they had admitted their feelings for one another, but he hadn’t expected Castiel to follow through with it. The most that he had expected was maybe another mini-pie from a bakery, not whatever Castiel had in mind that needed the curtains shut to keep from prying eyes.

“W-What did you have in mind?” Dean asked, chewing at his lip as Castiel took a seat next to him, loosening his tie, but leaving it hanging around his neck.

“I haven’t entirely decided yet. I won’t make you do anything that you wouldn’t want to do, so what kind of reward do you want? It can be something as simple as a kiss, or I’m willing to do something else for you?” Castiel’s voice lowered even deeper to that gravely tone as he glanced over at Dean and the younger male’s eyes grew wide. Dean could insinuate what that tone meant, but he didn’t want to ask too much of his counselor and push his boundaries.

“I-I’m up for anything if you are,” Dean stuttered, face flushing one more as he glanced down at his hands. Slowly, he reached for his necklace, tugging the ring through the chain in one try before dropping his hands into his lap. Usually he wasn’t this flustered when it came to someone offering him a reward, but then again, usually when it came to his bedmates, he was a chameleon who went with whatever the other person wanted; he was fine with anything as long as the other person was satisfied.

Castiel hummed from where he sat on the couch, and Dean eyed him up and down. Dean watched as the older man ran a hand through his hair for only a moment, blue eyes meeting Dean’s once again before Castiel said softly, “How about we take it slow then? See what comes of this?”

Dean nodded his head, swallowing a lump that was forming in his throat before he scooted just a hair closer to his counselor. They looked at each other for a long moment before the older man leaned forward and whispered, “Let’s start with a kiss, and see where it leads.”

The younger male nodded his head once again, leaning forward into Castiel’s personal space, noses and lips brushing, but not fully making a connection before Dean whispered, “So, what about my program are you rewarding me for?”

Castiel leaned back for only a brief second, saying softly, “Well, you’ve been doing so well following the steps, showing up to your counseling appointments, using the resources that we’ve made available to you. You’ve been trusting in your higher power to show you the path in the right direction, and you’ve been open and honest with me when it comes to your feelings. I think those kinds of things deserve to be rewarded.”

Dean could feel Castiel’s breath on his face as he spoke, peppering a few soft kisses on his cheeks, the tip of his nose, the side of his face, before brushing his lips once again. Dean leaned into the touch before grabbing the older man by his tie and smashing their faces together, immediately getting lost in a kiss that was quickly growing heated. Almost as soon as the kiss began, they were lost in a mishmash of teeth, lips, and tongue, Castiel pushing Dean back onto the couch, crawling over top of him, much like they were just a few days beforehand before Meg interrupted them.

The weight of Castiel’s body rested between Dean’s open legs and they kissed, the younger man’s fingers tangled up in the older man’s hair, and as Castiel's lips moved down Dean’s neck once again, a sound almost akin to heedy whine left the back of Dean’s throat without warning.

“Why do you taste like an ashtray?” Castiel murmured against the skin of Dean’s bared throat, placing kisses on the pale skin before tugging the neckline of his shirt to the side of suck a sore spot into the younger man’s shoulder.

One of Castiel’s large hands slid underneath the fabric of Dean’s shirt, causing a shiver to go down the younger man’s spine before he stifled out, “Didn’t know what to do when Benny left since you weren’t here yet. He left me a pack of cigarettes, so I just sat outside and smoked for a good while.”

Dean could feel his shoulder vibrate as Castiel hummed in response, still working on leaving a nice bruise on the younger man’s flesh. Dean threw his head back against the couch cushions before asking, his breath catching in the back of his throat, “What’s up with you and the nice suit today?”

Castiel looked up at Dean, his blue eyes meeting him once again before cocking his head to the side ever so slightly, a smile spreading across his face, “I like to look my best for church and I didn’t have time to go back to my house and change before coming here.”

Dean let out a soft laugh before saying, “Well, I think you should dress like that more often. I’ve always had a thing for a man who could rock a three piece suit.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Castiel mused before leaning in once again, meeting Dean’s lips. The kiss was almost languid, movements soft and slow, and a lot different than how they’d been seconds beforehand. Dean tugged at Castiel’s tie, slowly undoing the knot before pulling it from the older man’s collar and dropping it onto the floor beside the couch. With the tie gone, Dean moved his focus to untucking Castiel’s shirt from his pants before he felt the older man’s hand slide down his stomach, out of his shirt, before cupping the erection that was quickly growing to full mast inside the confines of his jeans.

Dean’s breath hitched in the back of his throat as Castiel applied pressure against the layers of fabric and he could feel the older man smile against his lips before taking trailing his hand up to undo the belt of Dean’s jeans. With one quick, almost fluid motion, Castiel had unbuckled Dean’s belt and was working on the button and zip without stopping. There was no hesitation in the older man’s movements, and Dean could tell without a doubt that Castiel wasn’t questioning for a second what was about to happen between the two of them.

Castiel pulled away from Dean, kissing down his neck once more before moving lower, sliding down the couch, leaving a trail of kisses down his chest, lifting up his shirt to show off the younger man’s stomach before stopping in front of Dean’s still clothed cock. Dean looked down at the older man, seeing the pupils of his blue eyes were dilated in his arousal, and he watched carefully as Castiel tugged at the waistband of his boxers before tugging them down, allowing his erection to spring free.

Castiel took the heavy, hot member into his hand, pumping it slowly, holding Dean’s hips down as he tried to lift them into the sudden touch. Dean threw his head back against the couch cushions again, groaning at the feeling of having someone that wasn’t himself jerk him off for the first time in almost three weeks. With the way that Castiel was treating him, it was almost like he knew his body better than he did himself, and as he felt the older man’s grip tighten, he seethed through his teeth, “Fuck, Cas.”

“Is this alright?” Castiel asked, voice low and gravely to a point that it did things to Dean psychologically.

“Cas, it’s great,” Dean sighed, “ ‘m not gonna last long though, I’ll tell you that now.” He almost felt like he was struggling to form a coherent sentence, but Castiel seemed to understand what he meant because as soon as those words left his mouth, the older man took his tongue and ran it up the underside of Dean’s erection, from base to head. Dean shivered at the feeling before Castiel took him fully into his mouth, sinking all the way down before drawing back and the feeling alone couldn’t stifle the illicit noises that were threatening to escape from Dean’s throat.

Dean reached down, wrapping his fingers into Castiel’s dark locks and tugging at them slowly, feeling the older man hum around him. The sight of his counselor having his cock in his mouth, stroking him in time with each push and pull was a sight in itself to behold. Dean could probably get off from that image alone; hell, at this rate, he might.

Dean could hear the clink of Castiel undoing his own belt as he pulled his hand away, but the younger man’s mind was too busy swimming in the pleasure of what Castiel was doing to him. The older man had taken Dean all the way into his mouth, his nose pressing against a smattering of hair that sat on Dean’s pubic bone. Dean could feel Castiel’s throat constricting around him, the older man’s blue eyes watering, and a warm feeling spread through Dean’s gut that he knew that he was almost at his tipping point.

“Cas, ‘m close,” Dean said as the older man pulled back, catching his breath for a second before taking Dean into his mouth once again. Castiel picked up his pace, wanting to see what Dean looked like when he hit the point of orgasm, what faces he made, what sounds would he let come out of his mouth, and within seconds, Dean was there.

A cry left Dean’s lips, his toes curling in his boots, fingers almost painfully tightening in Castiel’s hair, as he came. There was a flash of white hot light behind his eyelids from where he had his eyes shut tightly, biting his lip, as Castiel continued to suck him dry. Dean’s entire body felt boneless, almost as if it were made of jello and when the older man pulled away from him, Dean cracked his eyelids open slowly, only to see him swallow the load that had been shot into his mouth by the younger male.

They sat in silence for a long moment, Dean trying to catch his breath, Castiel looking up at the younger male before wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. Neither of them said anything, just stealing the occasional glance at one another before Dean finally spoke up.

“Do you need me to take care of you?” He asked, and Castiel shook his head.

“No, this was your reward. I don’t expect you to do anything for me in return,” Castiel said quietly. Slowly, he tucked himself back into his pants, pulling Dean’s boxers back over his now soft cock, and crawling back up the couch.

Dean slowly, but surely willed himself to move over to allow Castiel to lay next to him, still trying to get his wits about him after coming probably harder than he ever has in his life. He wasn’t even sure if his previous bedmates had been able to coax an orgasm out of him so easily, but he knew for a fact now that he’d let Castiel do it any day he wanted to.

Dean rolled over on his side, facing the recliner and coffee table while Castiel slotted into the space behind him, throwing an arm over his waist before pressing his face between the younger man’s shoulder blades. A smile crept across Dean’s face before he mumbled, sleepily, appreciating the warmth of Castiel coming from behind him, “Do you mind if I take a nap here for a little bit?”

Dean could feel Castiel’s body shake behind him with a laugh before saying, “Yes, I’ll wake you up in about an hour if that’s okay.”

“It’s fine,” Dean said, letting his eyelids grow heavy as he shut his eyes, yawning. Castiel’s arm tightened around Dean’s waist just the slightest as he pulled him closer, and the younger male leaned back into the warmth, a smile spreading across his face as he slowly, but surely drifted off to sleep.

—

After taking a nap in Castiel’s office, Dean went back to the commons room and watched tv until it was time for dinner. In the cafeteria, Dean and Castiel ate in relative silence, stealing long glances at one another, but not speaking as they cleared their trays. After what had happened earlier, there wasn’t much to be said between the two of them; they were just content in the presence of each other’s company. Once dinner was over though, they went their separate ways, only sharing brief goodbyes before Castiel went back to his office.

Dean spent the rest of his evening watching some more tv with the other patients, and giving Sam another one of their daily phone calls before returning to his room to work on some classwork that was due the next day. Before he knew it, it was time for lights out, and despite the events of the day weighing on his mind to the point that it should have been exhausting, Dean wasn’t able to sleep.

He wasn’t sure if it was because he had taken a nap earlier, or the fact that Benny was no longer residing in the other bed in the room. Dean had gotten used to listening to Benny snore at night so now that the white noise was missing, everything seemed almost as if it were too quiet.

After an hour of rolling around in the bedsheets, trying to get himself comfortable to no avail, Dean climbed out of bed before walking over to the desk on the other side of the room and taking a seat. The notebook that Castiel had given him was sitting on the hardtop, and with a quick flick of a small lamp, Dean illuminated that corner of the room.

Slowly, he opened the notebook, flipping to a new blank page before picking up his pen. His fourth step had been sitting in the back of his mind for the past few days, and while he knew that had done many wrong things in his life, every time he tried to put the pen to paper, he couldn’t find himself to write them out.

Instead, he made a list of every person that he thought he had wronged, leaving blank lines between each name so that he could write underneath them. He started with Sam, then Bobby, then his employees, then ex-flings, then at the very bottom, he found himself writing his parents names, even though they never saw him in the throes of his addiction since they had long been deceased by that point.

As Dean stared at the names he’d written in the dim light, he shut his eyes for a long moment, sighing. There were so many things that he’d already apologized for over the years when it came to his addiction. There was the time he showed up to Sam’s high school graduation already halfway drunk. There was the time he showed up to Bobby’s funeral, definitely drunk. There was the time that he neglected the garage for two weeks because of a bender he was on, and it’d hadn’t been just coffee in his thermos when he returned back to work. There were the many times he spent the night in jail for public intoxication, or getting into bar fights because he wasn’t thinking straight after he’d down too many glasses of whiskey. There were also many times that he almost ended up in his current situation because he was too drunk to drive home, but he still put himself behind the wheel anyways.

As the thoughts rolled around his head again, he put his pen to the paper once more, writing his mistakes under each name and the words were tumbling out quicker than he could almost put the ink to the paper. He knew he’d made mistakes in life and this was his way to atone for them, by trying to be a better person, by being the person that he wanted to be and not some image that quickly resembled the ghost of his father.

When Dean sat the pen back down on the desk, he had an entire page full of words. He stared back at it for a long moment, another sigh leaving his lips before he stood to his feet, switching off the desk light, and climbing back into bed.

That night, Dean almost slept as well as he did taking a nap in Castiel’s office, the older man’s arm wrapped around his waist. Not a single nightmare plagued his mind, just the thought of him being who he truly wanted to be.

Author’s Note:

So, I'm a day late posting this chapter, and I know I talk a lot about my upload schedule, but things have been a bit crazy in the past week since posting my last chapter. That being said, I'm not super happy with the results of this chapter, despite the minor scene between Castiel and Dean.

When I started writing this story, I had just started at a new job and still had quite a few hours at my disposal. A little over a month ago, my boss was sent to another store to help out, rendering us short staffed, and I've been picking up quite a few more hours, shifts that people can't work, etc, and my time to write has been stuck to the days I have off. Because of this, my buffer schedule that I had built up has now diminished, and as for chapter 10 of this story, I currently have about three pages of a planned 11. I have a few short shifts on my schedule next week, and a few days off, but it won't be enough to build my buffer back up to what it was because I like to take a few breaks between chapters so I'm not throwing all my ideas against the wall at once.

That being said, I'm going to take a few weeks off from uploading chapters so I have time to write, and make sure that I'm satisfied with what I share with you guys. It could be just two weeks, but I'm aiming for probably three to give me more time to get closer to where I need to be to reach the finish line. As it's shown on the story for a while, I have 15 chapters planned altogether, and a couple of side stories. I've also got a one-shot in the works that takes place in the Supernatural universe and outside of my normal AU that I've been pecking at for the past week (if you follow me on my main blog, you may have seen a fixation of mine that explains where the one-shot is going).

I hate to have to take a break in the midst of writing a story, but it's for the best; gives me time to replenish my creativity when it comes to writing, and sort out my thoughts a little bit more. Hopefully you guys understand and stick around because I promise that I will finish this story. After I write chapter 10, it should be easy to get through the rest of the chapters since they've been planned the most out of anything else that I've written so far. I had the ending of this story planned before I even wrote the beginning if I'm being wholly honest.

As for this week's chapter notes, despite Benny saying goodbye in this chapter, this is not the last time he'll be featured in this story. There were originally two versions of this chapter for the blowjob scene between Castiel and Dean; the first featured them getting hot and heavy in a storage closet, but I scrapped it for what is featured in this chapter. I may release the unfinished version over on my writing tumblr, but I haven't fully decided yet. Also, while I didn't explain what Dean wrote in the notebook at the end of the chapter, that will come up in a later chapter as well.

In chapter 10, I'm in the midst of Dean attending a recovery meeting. I know that's not super exciting, but I promise that I will make my return worth it, even if the one-shot isn't finished by then.

For now, since this note is fairly long because of my explanation, I'll sign off.

Until next time, stay lovely.

#supernatural #Supernatural rehab au #SUPERNATURAL AU #destiel #deancas #Castiel x Dean Winchester #Dean Winchester x Castiel #CasDean #fanficiton

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a-fictional-reality · 2 years

Text

To Keep from Drowning

Chapter 8

Read on Archive of Our Own

“Son of a bitch,” Dean muttered, pressing his finger further into the bruise that Castiel had left on his neck before his gaze caught Benny watching him carefully in the background. There was amusement in the older man’s eyes, and Dean whipped his head around, holding his hands up in a defensive stance.

“I can explain,” Dean began, but Benny just laughed, shaking his head.

“You don’t have to explain anything that you don’t want to. I just want to know which nurse you were able to swoon,” Benny said, a rough laugh that led into a cough ending his sentence. He placed one hand on his stomach as he coughed and Dean felt his face turn red as he tried to find his words.

“I mean, you’re leaving in a few days so I might as well tell you what’s up,” Dean said, turning back around towards the mirror as Benny loudly cleared his throat in the background.

The younger male rubbed his cheeks, his gaze still locked on the reddened marks on his neck, the dark bruise, before he sighed loudly. Benny watched Dean carefully before saying, “Seriously, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

“No… It’s…” Dean struggled to find his words before he blurted it out, “What you said at breakfast this morning, it’s true. Dr. Novak and I… we’ve kind of got a thing going on outside of counseling sessions, but I don’t know if he wants it to be public knowledge since I’m still technically a patient here.”

“Shit. I was just joking with you this morning,” Benny said, his eyes widening as he looked at the younger male, “I figured that y’all had just become close buddies over time like you and I are, but I didn’t expect you to just come out and tell me that you had feelings for him that he’s clearly reciprocated.”

Benny’s tone caused Dean to wince as it felt like one of those judgmental worries that he had, had earlier were creeping up again until the older man continued, sitting up on the bed, “Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t lying earlier when I said that I wouldn’t judge you if you did, but my concern is your sobriety, man. You’re still working the steps right? You’re actually doing the counseling?”

Dean turned around, rubbing the back of his neck before pawing for his ring, “Yeah, I’m still doing everything that needs to be done while I’m here, but if you and I aren’t hanging out, in classes, or places where we’re scheduled to be at a specific time, I’ve been seeing Cas. He’s not trying to put my sobriety on the line; he actually made a deal with me that if he thought that our… uh, extracurricular activities were getting in the way, that’d he cut it off for the rest of time that I’m here and assign me a new counselor.”

Benny sighed, the look of slight worry leaving his face as he looked back at Dean before saying, “Okay, I just wanted to make sure. You’re a good guy, Dean, and I'm sure you’ve got your thoughts in the right place, but you’ve just picked a bit of an inopportune time to have feelings for someone.”

“I didn’t plan it to be like this,” Dean sighed, looking down, “I kept thinking to myself for a while of what it would be like if Cas and I had met somewhere else instead of here, but we didn’t. We probably wouldn’t have met if I had never ended up here, and despite trying to shake these feelings off, they grew; they’re still growing. I don’t know if it’ll lead anywhere else after I get out, but it’s just nice to have someone who seems to care about you as much as you care about them, you know?”

Benny moved to where he was sitting to the side of the bed before saying, “I understand that. Like I said, I’m not judging you for it. I’ve got nothing against you and Dr. Novak, and I won’t tell anyone since that’s not information that I have the right to share, but I just want to make sure that you’re okay; that you’ll be okay whatever happens between the two of you. I know we’ve only known each other for a few weeks, but man, you’re like a brother to me at this point; I’ve told more about myself to you in two weeks than I’ve told my own brother in the past five years.”

“I’m okay,” Dean said quietly before clearing his throat, saying louder with more confidence, “I’m okay.”

“Okay. That’s all I need to know,” Benny said, standing to his feet and approaching the younger male before clapping him on the shoulder, “Besides, if you really want my opinion, I think you two would make cute babies together.” A smile spread across the older male’s face and Dean looked back at him sheepishly before his worries diminished.

Dean wasn’t sure why he was so worried about Benny finding out, but knowing that his roommate was able to easily accept it despite his concerns made him feel slightly better about it.

“Now, come on, we don’t want to be late for class. I know I’ve only got a few days here, but there’s still a schedule to be maintained and I’m already ready for dinner,” Benny said, walking towards the door to their room before Dean followed.

“Yeah, okay,” The younger male said so softly that Benny didn’t hear.

—

At dinner that evening, Castiel and Dean shoot flirtatious glances over at one another over trays of meatloaf, peas, and pie. They don’t speak much about what happened earlier in the day in Castiel’s office, but Dean takes notice of the older man glancing at the bruise that he had yet to cover up on his neck. Dean chews at his lip and thinks of the way that Castiel had his hands on him earlier, but neither of them choose to comment while they’re in the presence of other patients, and people who work at the facility.

Dean only smiles as he kicks Castiel’s loafer under the table, getting just the slightest smirk out of his counselor as they eat in silence, enjoying each other’s company.

Dean even ate his vegetables for once without too much of a complaint.

—

When Saturday rolls around again, Dean is more than ready to see his younger brother than he was the previous week. As not to draw anymore attention about him and Castiel, Dean covers up the yellowing hickey with a bandaid he borrowed from the nurse’s station, and requests to his counselor that they shouldn’t see each other during Sam’s visit. Castiel was slightly leery of the idea, but Dean made his point that he didn’t want Sam to suspect anything was going on until he got out of rehab; the older man agreed upon that point.

Like the previous week, Dean and Benny sat in the commons area with the other patients expecting visitors for the day. Dean anxiously tugged at his necklace, not so much threading it through his fingers as usual, but more of rubbing the pad of his thumb across the piece of jewelry in anticipation of seeing his brother. Benny had his arm pressed up against Dean’s as the two of them sat on a small couch near the tv, and the younger male tried not to whip his head towards the doorway when he heard footsteps of a group coming down the hall, Meg leading the way.

Originally, Dean didn’t see Sam and that made his heart feel like it had dropped in the pit of his stomach, until he saw the tall, younger man standing at the back of the group, looking down at someone who was standing beside him. As the group made their way into the commons area, Dean threw his hand up to draw attention to his younger brother, and he watched as his brother and a female that the older man had seen a few times in passing approached.

As Dean stood to his feet, Sam let go of the girl’s hand that he was holding tightly, pulling his brother into a hug.

“Hey, Sammy,” Dean muttered against his brother’s shoulder as he hugged his back, holding on tightly as a grin spread across his lips.

“Hey, Dean,” Sam replied, pulling away before gesturing for the female to come forward as she flipped her blonde curls over her shoulder, smiling, “I brought Jess like I promised I would.”

“I can see that. What’d you think of taking a ride in my baby?” Dean asked, raising an eyebrow at the female as she furrowed her eyebrows for a second in confusion.

“He’s talking about the car,” Sam muttered, apparently not having told his girlfriend Dean’s nickname for the ‘67 Impala that he had spent too much time under the hood of.

“Oh, ah, it’s a really nice car. You’ve really kept her in great shape,” Jess said, giving the older brother a small smile.

“She’s my pride and joy,” Dean said, puffing up his chest before he felt a hand being placed on his shoulder and he glanced over to see Benny looking at him before realizing that he probably needed to introduce the two of them. He hooked his thumb over his shoulder, pointing at the older man before saying, “Jess, this is Benny, my roommate. Benny, this is Jess, Sam’s lovely girlfriend. She’s been the one keeping Sammy in line while I’ve been here.”

Benny reached out his hand to shake Jess’, saying softly, “It’s a pleasure to meet you,” and giving the younger female a small smile.

“Do you guys want to head somewhere else to talk instead of standing in the crowd with everyone else?” Sam piped up as he glanced around the room of other patient’s greeting their loved ones, slowly dispersing off into the crowd before Dean turned on his heel to lead the group towards the outside of the facility.

Dean’s original plan was them going to the gazebo once again to sit and talk, but with it being within the eyeline of the window to Castiel’s office, and a small group of visitor-less patients standing around the steps of the smoking area, he changes his mind. Instead, he leads them to the gravel path of the trail behind the facility.

The loose gravel crunches underneath the soles of Dean’s boots as he shoves his hands into the pockets of his jacket, glancing out into the woods and seeing a squirrel run up a nearby tree. None of them really speak, Benny standing to Dean’s left, Sam and Jess behind holding each other’s hand as they keep a reasonable pace heading into the forest.

“You know what this reminds me of, Dean?” Sam asked from behind his brother and Dean glanced over his shoulder to look at his younger brother.

“What, Sammy?”

“Do you remember that park that Bobby used to take us to when we were kids? The one with the playground and track?” Sam responded, waiting for Dean to give a gruff nod before continuing, “It had a walking trail like this that followed along a river. We used to get in it when we were kids, and Bobby would be stomping mad that he’d have to drive us home covered in mud because he’d always forget what we’d do when we got bored of the swings, slide, and throwing the baseball back and forth with each other.”

Dean hummed, remembering the details just barely. He remembered the park, a small local thing that held soccer games during the spring, but he didn’t remember much of his childhood there. The only vivid memory that came to mind was the time that Dean pushed Sam too high on the swings, and the younger brother decided to jump off and scraped the hell out of his knees. Sam couldn’t have been any older than six, Dean ten, and he remembered the string of apologies that he gave to his brother as Bobby went to get the first aid kit that he kept in his truck.

The older brother chuckled softly as they approached a bend in the trail and as Dean’s eyes found the small clearing up ahead that showed off the lake, he stopped in his tracks, saying aloud to the group, “Let’s stop here.”

Dean caught a glance from Benny as the older man furrowed his brows and Sam led Jess over to a bench that sat a little further back on the path before taking a seat beside her, lazily throwing a long arm over her shoulders. Benny and Dean sat down at a bench that was across the walkway from them, and Dean leaned forward, resting his forearms on his knees before felt Benny give him a nudge in the side, not saying anything.

“So, what’s been going on with school this week?” Dean asked, looking over at his younger brother as he was saying something softly to his girlfriend.

Sam stopped mid-sentence, turning his brown eyed gaze over to Dean before saying, “Not much. The usual. I had a test yesterday. I also got a call yesterday and scheduled an interview in a few weeks at a law school that I’m interested in. With the way my GPA is looking, I should be a shoe-in for their program, but I won’t know until I complete the interview. I took my LSAT the week after you got here, and of course it came back great.”

Dean sat up, face dropping, reaching for his ring, “I completely forgot you had that exam coming up. I was so lost in my own shit that I didn’t even think about how hard you were studying for it. I’m glad that you passed, but I’m sorry for making you worry about me while all of that was going on.”

Sam shook his head, “It’s fine, Dean. The only reason I hadn’t mentioned it sooner was I didn’t want you to worry about it while you were here. You should be focusing on your recovery so that you can come back home. Not worrying about me getting into law school. I’ll handle my own stuff if you handle yours.” A somber smile found Sam’s face as Dean threaded the piece of gold through the chain, not meeting his brother’s eyes while he chewed at his lip.

“I know you can handle your own stuff, but…” Dean muttered trailing off as he continued not to finish his sentence. He sat up, rolling his shoulders and listening to his back pop before shaking his head.

Sam frowned, glancing over at Jess for only a moment before returning his gaze back to Dean, saying, “Dean, I’m twenty-two. Sooner or later, I’m going to have to try and figure some things out on my own. I can’t always rely on you to show me the way, you know?”

Sam’s words felt like a punch to Dean’s gut and he remembered Benny asking him last week what Dean was going to do when Sam was old enough that he didn’t need to be protected by his older brother anymore. He shook his head again, letting out a frustrated sigh before glancing over at his roommate asking, “Can I bum a cigarette off of you?”

Benny reached into his jacket pocket, pulling out the small pack before retrieving two cancer sticks, handing one to Dean. The younger male watched carefully as Benny placed the cigarette between his lips, lighting the end of it with the hot pink Bic that Dean had now learned was Benny’s signature lighter before handing it off to the younger male. Dean followed through the same motions, cupping the flame with his palm as he lit the end of his own cigarette before handing it back to Benny.

Dean took a long drag of the tobacco, inhaling the smoke deeply before watching it plume from his lips in the exhale. The four of them sat in silence for a long moment, unspoken tension hanging in the air between the two brothers before Benny broke the silence.

“I’m leaving tomorrow,” The oldest male said, a smile spreading across his lips.

“Congratulations. What are you going to do next?” Sam said, glancing over at Benny as Dean flicked ash off the end of his cancer stick, throwing his arm over the side of the bench as he laid back.

“I was telling your brother the other day, but I think I’m going to head back home for a while and see if I can get in contact with my own brother. We haven’t talked in a few years because of some things that I did that I’m not proud of, but I want to make amends with him and my niece. Life is too short to not have family in it,” Benny said, his expression a bit bittersweet as he spoke. He glanced between the two brothers and Dean loosened his shoulders only slightly before taking another drag.

“I offered him a job at the shop,” Dean said, looking over again at Sam finally, not trying to make the entire visit awkward with unresolved feelings about his baby brother not being so much of a baby anymore. He appreciated Benny changing the subject, but he knew that the older man was mainly using it as a distraction; they had spent enough time around each other at this point that Benny was able to see Dean’s uncomfortable tells.

“Yeah? You think he’d get along with Garth and the others?” Sam asked, a smile spreading across his lips as he glanced over at Jess for a second. The younger girl seemed to relax a bit as they were returning back to normal conversation.

Dean laughed, thinking about his employees at the shop and how they were all a bit of a motley group. There was Rufus who was long past retirement age, but insisted on putting in hours just so he wasn’t sitting at home all day; he had been a long time friend of Bobby’s. There was Garth who was a little peculiar at times, but he did damn fine work. There was Ash who would sometimes drive Dean crazy with his antics, but could be a huge help at times. Finally, there was the only woman employee that the garage had ever seen, Charlie; she handled a majority of the office stuff, but she knew her way around a car in some pretty surprising ways.

“I think he’d fit in just fine. We might have to worry about Rufus giving him a hard time, but you know how he is with everyone that I hire. Nobody will ever be as good as Bobby was,” Dean laughed, glancing over at his roommate before stubbing out his cigarette on the arm on the bench, waiting until it stopped smoking before folding the butt between his fingers, not wanting to litter it on the ground.

Sam shook his head before sighing, “Yeah, he called me the other night to argue with me about who was a better mechanic, him, Bobby, or Dad.”

“I wasn’t even a contender?” Dean raised his voice, sitting up.

“I actually said you were the best since you’re the one who restored the Impala years after it was totaled, but he wasn’t going to budge with me on that one. I don’t remember Dad enough to be able to judge him, Bobby was mainly working on office stuff since he had sole ownership of the garage, and Rufus is… Well, he’s Rufus,” Sam said, talking with his hands as an amused expression found his face.

“That he is,” Dean chuckled, leaning back on the bench once again.

“But everyone said hello, and that they hope that you’re doing well. Everything at the shop has been going well as well. Garth has definitely been keeping things up to your standards since I go down there about three times a week. He knows how much the business means to you and we don’t want it going belly up because you’re away for a month,” Sam said and Dean grunted in response.

The garage had been Dean’s pride and joy for years. His father and Bobby had started it together when they were in their twenties, and while Bobby never had any kids of his own since his wife died when Dean was still a toddler, him stepping in to raise he and Sam after they were orphaned was more than enough. Dean had started working in the shop when he was in high school, and took it over when Bobby was diagnosed with lung cancer and chose to retire.

Dean opened his mouth to make a comment when Benny slapped him on the back, saying, “Well, if I do decide to take Dean up on the offer, I think that I would make a lovely addition to the shop. I’ve always liked working with my hands, and though I’m more used to restaurant work, I don’t think it’d be the best idea for me to constantly be around alcohol until I’ve got a couple more years of sobriety.”

Sam nodded his head, saying softly, “That’s understandable. I’m sure we’d be more than happy to have you around the shop if you decide to take Dean up on the offer,” before Jess tapped him on the shoulder, saying something to the youngest male and he stood to his feet.

“Can we head back inside and maybe go to the cafeteria like we did last time? Jess is cold.” Sam asked, shoving his hands in the pockets of his jacket as his girlfriend also stood to her feet. Dean glanced over at his brother noticing it as a mannerism that he picked up from the older brother when Sam was younger.

Dean rose to his feet, nodding his head before saying, “Yeah, that’s fine with me.”

Sam and Jess turned back towards the entrance of the path, walking slowly and as Dean took a step forward, he felt a hand being placed on his shoulder and he turned around to see Benny looking at him. Dean glanced back towards his brother and his girlfriend, taking a small step forward before the older male muttered quietly beside him, “So, are you going to tell me why you didn’t show them the scenic overlook at the lake? It’s basically everyone’s favorite spot here, and the moment we got towards that part of the path, you stopped.”

Dean clenched his jaw before muttering, “Sam, uh, Sam wasn’t the only one that had suspicions about what I told you the other day.”

“Is this where you and Dr. Novak go after dinner sometimes?” Benny asked, dropping his voice to where it was only a whisper as Dean looked ahead at his brother, noticing that the young couple wasn’t paying any mind to the two following behind them.

Dean licked his lips before pulling them into a tight line. He flipped the cigarette butt between his fingers once again instead of grabbing for his ring as he thought about the last time that he and Castiel had walked out to the trail a few evenings ago. It was the night that they had admitted that they were developing feelings for each other, and it was the night that his counselor had kissed him to almost prove a point. Slowly, the younger man nodded his head before saying, “Yeah. We’ve taken a walk out here a couple of times.”

Benny nodded his head, a smirk spreading across his lips before saying, “I assume that your brother doesn’t know, does he? If that’s the case, then your secret is safe with me. My lips are sealed.”

Dean just shoved his hands in his pockets, nodding his head before increasing his pace to catch up with Sam and Jess, glancing back to see a muted chuckle trying to escape Benny’s lips.

—

The rest of Sam’s visit went without any more unexpected tension coming from either brother. For the rest of visiting hours, they hung out in the commons area, chatting about their daily lives, talking with other patients and families, and telling old stories to each other. Dean did manage to get Sam back for his embarrassing stories last time by telling Jess a few things about Sam; she got a kick out of the time Dean tricked Sam into thinking that his hair would look fantastic braided into pigtails.

It wasn’t long until four o’clock rolled around, and after saying their goodbyes, Dean felt that tightness that he had felt in his chest the previous week when Sam had left. As usual, they hugged each other tight, and Dean watched with bated breath as Sam and Jess walked out the door, leaving Dean to resume back to his new normal of focusing on his recovery so he’d be able to sleep in his own bed again.

Instead of going to Castiel about his homesick feelings this time though, Dean went back to his room. There was still another hour until dinner was being served and Benny had gone out to the gazebo to smoke after the visitors had left for the day.

Upon entering the room, Dean threw himself down onto his bed, burying his face into the pillow as he tried to chase the feelings away when he saw the notebook Castiel had given him sitting on the bedside table, still untouched since had written in it the other day. Slowly, he picked it up, unclipping the pen from where it had been secured to the front cover before opening it. He flipped to a blank page, clicking the pen open and shut a few times in his hand before twisting it over and deciding to write out the feelings he felt in his chest instead of letting himself become overwhelmed.

Dear Cas,

It’s me again. Sammy just left for the day and we had a pretty great visit. There were a few things said while he was here that made me feel like shit, but Benny was able to distract the conversation enough that things went back to normal. I’ve always been the go to person for Sam, but I’m starting to feel like I’m missing a big part of his life now that I’m here. I mean, how could he not tell me the moment he got the results from his LSAT? He was talking about that test for weeks before I came here, but then I got in an accident, and I had to go away for a while.

Right now, I just want to go home, but I know I need to be here. I want to get better, I want to be a better person, and that’s what I’m here for. Besides, I’ll be home again in a couple of weeks. The only thing that I ask of you today is please give me the strength to continue working the program until it’s time for me to go home. Let me keep paying attention during the classes, let me be willing to share during our sessions, and let me be comfortable enough to head off to a meeting one day this upcoming week with everyone else.

Help me continue to work through my recovery.

Dean

Dean signed his name at the bottom of what would be an unsent letter, he stared at the ink as it dried into the paper. A part of him wasn’t entirely sure if he was doing the whole “higher power” thing right, but it just felt more comfortable writing to Castiel than it did trying to force some type of belief into his life, even if it meant that’s what he needed to fully stay sober.

Like last time, the pit that was in his stomach suddenly seemed a lot smaller, and he sighed softly. Quickly, he shut the notebook, dropping it back onto the bedside table with a smack of the paper hitting wood.

He thought for a moment of burying his face into the pillow and taking a nap until Benny woke him up for dinner, but instead, he rose to his feet, walking over to the other side of the room where a mirror hung on the wall. Slowly, he lifted his fingers up to the band-aid that he had placed on his neck that morning to cover up the mark that Castiel had left on him, slipping the tip of his finger underneath where it was adhered to his skin before pulling it off.

He pressed the pad of his fingers into the bruise, still feeling the dull ache of it being pressed on before a smile crept across his lips.

Even though he hadn’t been able to bring up his feelings for his counselor to his brother any during the day, it didn’t stop his heart from racing whenever a thought about Castiel had crossed his mind. He knew he wanted to tell Sam about his feelings whenever he went back home though; he wanted to be open with his brother, and a part of him felt like Castiel was going to play a larger part in his life even after leaving the facility.

Dean stared at his reflection in the mirror, his eyes finding the scar that tore through his eyebrow from his accident, he realizes that Castiel is probably the most important person that has entered his life in a long time; probably a person important enough to form a long last relationship with. The stupid grin that was plastered across his face slowly fades away, and his heart began to race as another feeling spread throughout his body, deep into his bones.

And that feeling slightly scared the hell out of him.

Author’s Note:

Welcome back, lovelies! I hope you all have had a lovely week. I'm a day early today since my best friend is coming to town to visit and I won't have time to post my chapter before work tomorrow. Rather than posting it rather late in the day, I'd prefer to give this piece of work to you guys early.

So, I don't have much to discuss today, but I do have next week's chapter already written out and if you guys enjoy seeing Castiel and Dean's interactions, you'll probably enjoy what I have in store for next week. I've been working a lot of hours lately so my buffer schedule has gotten a little screwed up since I haven't had as much time to write, but I'm in the process of working on chapter 10 currently. I haven't decided yet, but I may take a couple weeks off from updating just to build the buffer back up. I'll know for sure by next week because we are rapidly approaching the final chapters of the story and I've got some surprises in store.

To everyone that's read the story so far, thank you so much. I hope ya'll stay tuned for what I have in store next.

Until next week, enjoy.

#Supernatural Rehab AU #Destiel #dean winchester x castiel #castiel x dean winchester #fanfiction #deancas #casdean #Supernatural

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a-fictional-reality · 2 years

Text

To Keep From Drowning

Chapter 7

Read on Archive of Our Own

At breakfast the next morning, Dean’s mind drifted off to Castiel kissing him over and over as he shoveled a heaping pile of eggs into his mouth. Benny looked over at the younger male in amusement as he ate his own food, mentally preparing themselves for the day ahead. Dean had come back to their room right before lights out last night because he had been spending time with Castiel talking by the trail, but Benny had chosen not to make a comment on what the other male had been doing; he could already tell that Dean’s mind was already preoccupied with something else.

“You’re in an awfully chipper mood all of a sudden. Did you find a secret stash that I don’t know about?” Benny quipped, glancing over at Dean as he dropped the eggs on his plate that had been precariously balanced on his fork.

“It’s just a new day. I’m one step closer to going home, and one step closer to making myself a better person,” Dean muttered, stabbing the pile once again before shoveling the food into his mouth.

Given that Castiel was Dean’s counselor, he wasn’t sure what other patients would think if they found out that the younger male was kissing and flirting with the older man, and he didn’t want to bring it up to Benny. He wanted what happened between Castiel to remain in his head for the time being, as if it were his own personal secret to keep from everyone else.

“This doesn’t have to do with how late you came back last night from your walk with Dr. Novak, does it?” Benny asked, and Dean felt his face grow hot before quickly shaking his head.

“No, I’m just in a good mood today, that’s all,” Dean muttered, his mouth half full as he eyed a lone slice of bacon that sat on Benny’s plate before reaching out for it. Benny allowed Dean to take the piece, watching as the younger male chewed it carefully as he thought about his next words.

“Okay, I’m not judging you if that’s what you’re afraid of, Dean. We’ve all been hot for an authority figure a time or two,” Benny joked and Dean rolled his eyes, looking away. When the younger male chose not to respond to the truthful jest, Benny continued, “So, I talked to my counselor, Gabriel, last night after dinner. I’m leaving on Sunday to head back home.”

Dean glanced back at the older male, raising his eyebrows before asking, “Have you really already been here a month?”

Benny nodded his head, “Yeah, I’m ready to go back to my job at least for a little while. I’m starting to think about looking into another line of work since it probably wouldn’t be the best idea for an alcoholic like myself to be around so many drinks at a bar. I’ll probably go back to Louisiana for a bit, go see my brother and niece if they’ll have me. I want to prove to them that I’m trying to take a step in the right direction for once, you know?”

Dean nodded his head before asking, “So, do we need to exchange numbers so we can still talk on the outside after I get out? I know we can’t talk for like a month after either of us get out, but if you really want to go into a different profession, I own a garage back home. If you know your way around cars, I might be able to help out a bit.”

Benny gave Dean an almost somber smile before saying, “You know, I might take you up on that offer. We’d be able to keep each other in line at least while at work, and I’ve got an older model truck that always needs work done to it anyways. I’ll give you my contact information before I leave, but I’m going to warn you now, I plan on honoring that rule the facility has about us not contacting each other for an extended period of time, so don’t send me a text as soon as you get out the door.”

Dean laughed softly, shaking his head, “Yeah, I know. We’re going through all of this to try and stay sober. I’m serious though, you’ve helped me out quite a bit since we met, man, and I’m grateful for it. Besides, I need someone around to help me pull pranks on Sam.”

Benny laughed, picking up his last piece of pancake with his fingers before taking a bite out of it. Dean smiled back at the older male as they two quietly talked while finishing up their meals.

Once their trays were cleared and given back to the cafeteria staff, they began to head back towards the commons area before classes started for the day. At the door to their room, they went their separate ways, Benny preparing to go out to the gazebo for his morning smoke and Dean heading towards the phones so he could call his brother before his first class for the day.

As Dean took a seat in the plastic chair, picking the phone up from off the hook and dialing Sam’s cell phone number, he felt slightly anxious. Dean knew that today was two weeks since he entered the facility. He had two more weeks left to complete the program, and two more weeks with Castiel and the feelings that were slowly developing between the two of them. Dean didn’t know if they’d continue to even talk after he left the facility, but he appreciated having his feelings recognized, and having someone he could turn to for companionship while he was here. A part of him hoped that things would continue on, even when Dean went back home.

After three rings, Sam picked up the phone, saying in a sleep filled voice, “Hello?”

“Heya, Sammy,” Dean said, his voice catching his throat as he heard his brother sigh softly on the other end of the line.

“Hi, Dean. How have things been with you today?” Sam asked, and Dean could hear some shuffling at the other end of the line that sounded like rustling blankets. Dean checked his watch to see that it was a little before 10 in the morning, and he was surprised that his brother was still in bed.

“They’ve been good. Just got done eating breakfast with Benny. I’ve got a class in thirty minutes, a counseling session this afternoon, and now that I’ve been here two weeks, I think I’m allowed to go to one of the local meetings in the area starting tonight if I want.” Dean muttered, twisting his ring through his fingers as he told his brother about the things on his schedule for the day.

Sam hummed in response before saying, “Shit. I did not mean to sleep this late. I wasn’t expecting you to call until later in the day. Sorry. Are you thinking about going to one of the meetings tonight?”

Dean shook his head even though he knew that his brother couldn’t see him, “Not tonight. I haven’t really been to one before so I don’t want to go in unprepared. I’ll probably talk to Ca– Sorry, Dr. Novak about it. I know he’s told me that he’s been to meetings himself in the past so I’m sure he’ll discuss what happens at them with me.” The older male clenched his jaw as he caught himself slipping up calling Castiel by his nickname instead of his title in front of Sam.

Dean’s brother was quiet on the other end of the line for a long moment as if he was thinking before asking, “Dean, I hate to sound like I’m pushing some sort of boundary here, but what is up with you and your counselor?”

Dean froze for a long moment before saying, “What do you mean?”

Sam sighed loudly into the phone, “I mean, I saw the way you were looking at him when I visited the other day. You were almost like a lovestruck teenager. I mean, if you have a thing for him, I’m–”

“There’s nothing going on, Sam. He’s my counselor, my therapist, for while I’m here. I’m pretty sure that kind of thing is not allowed due to it being a conflict of interest,” Dean muttered, cutting off his brother, his words half true as he spoke. He was thinking about what Benny had said at breakfast, and the thoughts that were running through his head.

Dean wasn’t ready to tell his brother about his personal escapades. Yes, he knew that his brother probably wouldn’t think anything different about him if he knew that Dean appreciated the company of men and women, but he didn’t know for certain. He didn’t want to lay everything in front of his brother over the phone, and he didn’t want Sam to think anything different of him if he knew what Dean was doing last night while he was sitting by the lake with Castiel.

“Okay,” Sam said quietly, “I’m sorry that I assumed. I shouldn’t have done that.”

Dean bit down on his tongue, trying to steer the subject away from his sexuality as he tried to calm himself down, “What time is your first class today? You might want to start getting ready soon so you’re not late.”

“It’s at 11. I have an hour before I need to be there, and it only takes about fifteen minutes for me to get to school. Besides, Jess would whip my ass if she knew that I slept as late as I did,” Sam muttered, as Dean could hear his brother shuffling stuff around in the background over the line.

“Kinky,” Dean grinned, a soft chuckle leaving his lips, “Well, I guess I’ll let you go then. I’ll probably go hang out with Benny for a little bit before heading off to my class. I’ll call you again later this evening if that’s okay?”

“Yeah, that’ll be fine. We’re not doing much this evening. Jess is staying the night at the apartment tonight since she doesn’t have to work, so I’ll probably put you on speakerphone, but don’t start telling embarrassing stories about me like you did the other day,” Sam said, scolding his brother only the slightest with his tone.

“I can’t make any promises on that one, Sammy,” Dean chuckled.

“Jerk.”

“Bitch,” Dean responded effortlessly before continuing, “Alright, I’ll let you go. Have fun with school. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Yeah, okay. Bye, Dean,” Sam said.

“Bye, Sammy,” Dean said quietly, hanging up the phone.

As he pushed himself away from the cubby, sitting back in the hard plastic chair, he put his face in his hands. First it was Benny, then it was Sam; how many other people were going to notice that Dean found his counselor very attractive? The younger male chewed his lip, pulling the ring through the chain of his necklace over and over again, before rising to his feet. A part of him felt like a pit had opened up in his stomach talking to Sam, and a lump was forming in his throat.

While Dean walked back to his room, he could feel his heart pumping rapidly in his chest with his nervousness. He could remember what the hallucination of his father said just weeks ago, judging him for liking men and women, calling him slurs. He knew it was no different than how his father acted when he was a child, and even though it was something his own mind conjured up, it still hurt him deep down.

Dean just didn’t think he could take that kind of judgment from the most important person in his life, his own brother.

—

A droning video on how addictions affect families played on a giant projector screen as Dean leaned back in the chair that he was sitting in. He could hear someone softly snoring from the back corner of the room, and looked back to see an older man with his head laying on his desk, fast asleep as the video continued on. Dean had the notebook that Castiel had given to him sitting on the desk, untouched before slowly opening it to a blank page.

It had been a few hours since the male had talked to his brother on the phone, and despite trying to go about his day as he usually would, the pit in his stomach kept feeling like it was getting larger and larger with each passing second. As much as Dean tried to reassure himself, the thoughts that were running through his head kept egging him on like taunts; fear of judgment, fear of what other people thought of him, fear of what Sam would say if he knew the truth.

Dean had known for a long time that he was bisexual. It all started when he was a teenager, and he was watching some sort of rom-com - one of Bobby’s guilty pleasures - after dinner one evening. Even though Dean knew he should have been looking at the actress who was stunning, beautiful blonde hair, big breasts, large green eyes almost hidden behind long lashes, his gaze kept trailing over to her love interest.

Dean had known at that moment that something wasn’t quite right, but he didn’t share those feelings with anyone. As much as he tried to look at the woman to find her more attractive than the man, he just couldn’t. There was something about the actor that kept drawing his gaze and made his heart thump just a bit more.

It wasn’t until he was in his early twenties that he really accepted those feelings inside of himself. He went out to a bar to find a lover for the night and drink, and instead of leaving with a woman, he found himself approaching a man instead. Due to his inexperience in the matter, it was almost like he was a virgin all over again, but at the same time, it was so much more exhilarating.

Despite accepting his attraction though, he’d never told anyone else about it. The only people that knew were the ones he took to bed, and even if he had a limp the next day because of the soreness in his back, he’d always brush it off with excuses that he hurt it at work, or he slept funny the night before. Dean didn’t want people to think differently of him because he enjoyed the company of both sexes.

That was the biggest reason he never brought it up to Bobby, Sam, or anyone for that matter. He just kept it locked inside his head because he felt like it wasn’t anyone’s business but his own. No one was none the wiser if he never spoke about it; as far as anyone could tell, Dean was as straight as an arrow.

Slowly, Dean picked up the pen that was sitting on the desk, uncapping it and holding the ink to the paper, but not writing anything. Dean wasn’t sure how to start writing his feelings out to his higher power, but he knew that he needed to at least try; he needed to prove that he could do it in order to move on to the next step of his program, and it couldn’t have been too much different from him just talking to Castiel about everything in his life. Castiel had made the right call by giving him the notebook because Dean had never been the praying type of person, he found it easier to put everything down on a piece of paper so he could always see it later.

Taking a deep breath, he began to write in his chicken scratch handwriting:

Angels,

I don’t even know where to begin. I’ve never been one to lay my feelings out into the open, but I’m going to damn sure try. I ask for your help today in dealing with these feelings that I have deep down inside of me because I feel like I can’t control them on my own. These feelings have been with me for a very long time, and I

Dean picked up the pen from the page, shaking his head and scratching out everything that he had written down previously. It didn’t seem right to him. It all seemed like he was trying to make more excuses. Instead, he thought about the first time he and Castiel went down to the lake, how the sunset bathed Castiel in such a light that it brought Dean to the realization that he had something to believe in. That’s when it hit him that he didn’t believe in angels because he couldn’t prove that they existed; he believed in Castiel, who was real, who he could touch, who he could feel; Castiel was his hypothetical angel.

Dean flipped over to the next page and started writing again.

Cas,

I’m bisexual, but I haven’t told anyone yet. Today, when I was on the phone with Sam, he mentioned something about the way that I looked at you when I introduced the two of you the other day. Instead of telling him the truth, I brushed him off and tried to change the subject entirely. I’m writing to you today because I’d like the strength to be open and honest with my brother about how I feel. Please help me carry this burden, and give me strength to work towards being the person that I want to truly be.

Dean

Looking at the words that were penned on the paper, Dean felt like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders as if writing it all out had just helped the slightest; as if Castiel had somehow listened and taken the burden to help him carry it. It was almost as if he felt like he had just went through a major breakthrough during one of his counseling sessions. Letting out an audible sigh of relief, Dean shut the notebook, returning his focus to the video that was still playing in the background.

The man in the corner still softly snored just loud enough that Dean could hear each breath he took, but it wasn’t as loud as it had been minutes beforehand when every thought was screaming in his head.

—

Later in the afternoon, Dean found himself standing outside Castiel’s office door, slowly lifting his hand to knock on the wood. There was a long moment before anyone responded to the knock, but when the older male opened the door and greeted Dean, a smile spread across both of their faces.

“Hello, Dean,” Castiel said softly, stepping aside to allow Dean to walk into the room, watching as the younger male took off his jacket, hanging it up next to a beige trench coat that hung on the back of the door.

“Hi, Cas,” Dean replied, stepping into the large office space. He had noticed that Castiel had closed the curtains as it was rather cloudy and gloomy outside today, and he caught a glimpse of a small novelty coffee mug sitting at the edge of Castiel’s desk, still half full.

Slowly, the younger male walked over to the couch before taking a seat, rubbing his hands against his thighs anxiously. Now that their feelings were out in the open, Dean wasn’t sure if it would change the way in which their counseling sessions would go, but at the same time, his anxiousness was more of excitement rather than worry at this point.

“How have you been today?” Castiel asked, grabbing a notebook and a pen off of his desk walking over to the chair across from Dean, but not sitting just yet.

“I’ve been okay. I wrote some stuff down in the notebook you gave me today during one of my classes. I was feeling a bit overwhelmed and handing that stuff off to something else really seemed to help,” Dean muttered, watching the older male closely as he continued to stand.

“I don’t typically do this, but do you mind if I sit next to you for your counseling session today?” Castiel asked, not meeting Dean’s eyes.

Dean glanced over at the couch in front of him. There was enough room for technically three people to sit side by side if they really wanted to, but the cushions were fairly close together; it wasn’t the largest thing in the world, but Dean didn’t see a problem with him and Castiel both sitting there for the session.

“Yeah, sure. I don’t mind,” Dean muttered, nonchalantly, as Castiel walked around the coffee table, leaving his seat empty to sit on the other side of the couch from Dean. Dean shifted so he could lay his back against the arm of the couch, crossing his legs in front of him, so he could look straight at Castiel as the older male sat his notebook and pen on the middle cushion, mirroring Dean as they glanced at each other.

“Do you want to talk about what you wrote about?” Castiel asked, and Dean watched as the older man slipped off his shoes, stretching his legs straight across the cushions of the couch so that his sock-covered toes were just barely brushing against the denim of Dean’s pants.

Dean taken only slightly aback by how comfortable Castiel seemed around him said, “Uh, yeah. We can. There’s a bit of a story behind it though.”

“Okay,” Castiel said, folding his hands in his lap, looking at Dean.

Dean reached for his ring, pulling it side to side before saying, “I called Sam this morning after breakfast, and I mentioned you in our conversation as we talked, and he said something about how I was looking at you like a lovestruck teenager the other day.” Castiel raised his eyebrows as he looked at Dean, looking as if he wanted to make a comment, but allowed the younger male to continue, “I brushed him off, but I’ve never told Sam about my sexuality. I’ve never told anyone about my sexuality to be in fact, I’ve just always went home with whoever I wanted to go home with. I’ve never brought one of my one-night stands home, so Sam doesn’t know that I’m bisexual, so him bringing it up is what caused me to be overwhelmed.”

“You were worried that he was going to judge you for it?” Castiel asked and Dean gave one of his gruff nods.

“I know Sam better than I know myself sometimes. I know that he wouldn’t judge me if I came out into the open and said that I’m interested in men as well as women, but I don’t know how other people would react if I was more open about it, you know? I mean, my father was homophobic for sure, I remember that much, and I’m sure my uncle would have to wary about it at first, but he would have grown to accept me for who I am, but Sam is the only person I have left. Even though I know he wouldn’t judge me, there’s always a part of me that doubts what my brother thinks about me,” Dean sighed, pulling at his ring again as he didn’t meet Castiel’s eyes.

“So, I assume you wrote to your higher power for help?” Castiel asked and Dean nodded his head once again.

“Yeah, I wrote some stuff down in the notebook that you gave me, and after writing it out, it seemed like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. Like, I feel like I can breathe easier, it’s not worrying me as much, like I was able to pass it on to my higher power and hope that it can guide me in the proper direction,” Dean muttered.

The younger male didn’t want to tell Castiel that he used him as a reference instead of what he claimed to be his higher power because he felt as if it was pushing some sort of unseen boundary. He knew Castiel would probably frown at him if he knew the truth.

“That’s good, Dean. Hopefully you can use your higher power to hand off more things to in the future to help aid your recovery. Now, tell me, did you want to drink because you were overwhelmed about the situation?” Castiel opened the notebook, jotting down some things on his thigh, but Dean wasn’t able to read his handwriting upside down.

“Honestly, anything that overwhelms me makes me want to drink just to numb the feelings, but after I wrote it out and read it over a few times, that feeling slowly went away. In a way, it feels like I’m taking a step in the right direction, using what I have so far to help aid me,” Dean rubbed the back of his neck and Castiel nodded his head as he followed along with Dean’s words.

“That’s good. Do you mind if I take a moment to explain the next steps to you so you can get started on that?” Castiel asked, looking up from his writing once again before Dean nodded his head.

“Sure. I mean, I’ve been here two weeks today so if you think I’m ready to start on the fourth step then we can do that,” Dean said.

Castiel hummed before speaking, “As I said with each step before, they all tie into each other at one point or another. Step four is you identifying your problems and how your behavior has affected yourself and those around you. Step five is you admitting those things to your higher power and someone else. Before you worry, you get to pick the person you admit those things to; it could be anyone that you’ve met at the facility, and if that person is someone who was here, but has already left, if they’re available, they’ll be able to come back for this step. I want you to spend your next two weeks completing these steps, and once they’re done, you’re ready to graduate from the program.”

“So, identifying my wrongs, and admitting them. Got it,” Dean said, giving Castiel a thumbs up before the older male gave a slight smile, nodding his head.

“Is there anything else you’d like to discuss today? I think we still have about 30 minutes left of our session if you want to talk about anything else,” Castiel said, writing something down in the notebook before shutting it and sitting it on the coffee table.

“No, I think I’m good for today. Do you need the extra time to do some paperwork, or do you mind if I hang out for a little bit?” Dean asked, raising an eyebrow at Castiel.

“I’m perfectly fine if you decide to stick around for a little longer. I don’t want you to be late to your next class, or if you need time to take care of something else you’re more than welcome to rather than sitting in my office,” Castiel said, folding his hands in his lap.

“I just want to spend time with you, and I think you appreciate the company as much as I do, Cas,” Dean said, rubbing the back of his neck again, letting go of his ring and letting it fall to the front of his shirt.

Castiel hummed, musing, “I do. It gets lonely in here sometimes and I haven’t had time to leave the office today for much else. I took my lunch in here earlier, but I’ll probably do dinner in the cafeteria just to get some air. Will you be joining me again?”

Dean nodded his head, glancing back to double check that the curtains were drawn shut before he pulled a move that he had been thinking about in his mind. Slowly, he leaned forward, crawling across the couch so that he was laying with his chest pressed against Castiel’s thighs, getting into the older man’s personal space. He placed his elbows on either side of Castiel’s legs, tipping his head up to where he could look at the older male.

“I was thinking about joining you for dinner. I know you appreciate the company. It’s alright if I do this right?” Dean asked, his eyes meeting ocean blue as they stared down at him. Castiel’s face was flushed as he looked down.

“It’s fine, but let me scoot over just a bit so that you could be more comfortable,” Castiel said, following through with his words, scooting down the couch and over to the edge of the cushion so Dean could slot in the small space between the back of the couch and Castiel rather than laying on top of the older man. Dean propped his head up on his elbow so that he could look down at the older male who was resting on his own arm, and while it was a tight squeeze, it was somewhat comfortable.

Dean moved one of his legs in the slightest, sliding it between Castiel’s as the older man looked up at him with a smirk on his face.

“Let me ask you a question for once,” Dean muttered, “Are you out of the closet?”

Castiel shook his head. “Not entirely, no. I’ve always been open about my sexuality, but as for boyfriends and girlfriends, it was few and far between. I had crushes in high school, but the first time I really dated anyone was Hannah when I was in college, and of course, you know that I planned on marrying her. I never had a preference towards gender; I just wanted to be with someone who understood me for me.”

Dean hummed, “So, I guess you don’t have any advice to give me when it comes to telling my brother that I have become slightly interested in you?”

“I’d say that you’re more than slightly interested in me,” Castiel teased lightly as Dean’s face flushed red before he continued, “but I’d wait until you’re out of the facility to tell him everything. Just be open and honest with him about it. Tell him the truth. Don’t lie and say that this happened all of a sudden and that you weren’t planning on it. Just be who you want to be, Dean.”

As the final words left Castiel’s lips, Dean leaned in, placing a kiss on them before drawing back just to see the expression on the older male’s face before saying, “You’re right. I have become quite smitten with you, Castiel.”

A smirk crossed Castiel’s lips as Dean poked at him in jest with his words before he reached up, grabbing Dean by the back of the neck and pulling him back down into a heated kiss. Dean let himself be manhandled by the older male, kissing him back with as much force, his arms wrapping around Castiel’s neck as the two rolled around on the couch cushions for only a moment before switching positions on the small space. Castiel had rolled Dean over onto his back, placing himself between Dean’s legs as they kissed, and Dean couldn’t help, but melt into his touch and allow his stomach to show as his shirt rode up.

The kiss was rough, but pleasurable, Castiel pulling at Dean’s lip with his teeth in the heat of a moment that caused an illicit groan to leave the younger male’s throat. Dean heard Castiel hum in response to the noise, as if he were pleased by the sounds that the younger male made and Dean could feel the fabric of his jeans become more restrained with his arousal.

“Fuck, Cas,” Dean groaned, as the older male moved away from his lips, kissing the stubble on Dean’s jaw, his chin, his ear, before moving down to his bared throat. Dean could feel Castiel sucking at a sensitive skin, something that the younger man always enjoyed and he bucked his hips. Castiel groaned in response to the move, one of his hands moving to one of Dean’s hips as if to hold him down.

Castiel pulled his lips away from the quickly reddening skin of Dean’s neck with a pop, and the younger male looked up at him, eyes lidded and his face flushed up to the tips of his ears.

“I love the look on your face right now,” Castiel murmured, grinding against Dean for a second and Dean was taken aback by how hard the older male was against him.

“Oh yeah? What about it do you like?” Dean smirked, reciprocating the motion, his hands gently pulling Castiel’s dress shirt out of the back from his pants from where it had been safely tucked away.

Castiel leaned down to kiss Dean again, this time soft, slow, fluid, and the younger male almost felt like he was melting underneath the heat of Castiel’s body pressing against his, his arms running up the back of the older man’s shirt to touch the bare skin of his back. He could feel Castiel’s chest vibrate with the rumble of a groan at Dean’s soft touch, pressing himself further into Dean’s body; almost as much as the couch cushions would allow them. Castiel’s tongue swiped gently against Dean’s bottom lip and the younger male allowed him entrance, feeling the slick muscle tangle with his.

After a moment, Castiel pulled away once again, resting his forehead against Dean’s before he answered the question that the younger male had almost forgotten that he had asked, “Your expressions, the look in your eyes, the noises you make. Everything about it is almost perfect as if you were made in God’s image yourself.”

Dean wasn’t sure if his face could burn any brighter than it already was, but another flush crept rapidly across his cheeks. Out of everyone he’d been with in the past 11 years, he’d never been called beautiful in such a way. It almost made him feel a bit like a schoolgirl getting asked to the prom by her crush.

Just as Dean was about to respond, a rapid knock was heard throughout the office and Castiel climbed off the couch to answer the door, the younger male almost shivering when Castiel’s body heat left its touch on him. Quickly, he sat up, trying to compose himself back together as he watched Castiel brush down the back of his hair where Dean at some point had his fingers tangled in it, tucking his shirt back into his pants at a rapid pace before opening the door to greet whoever was standing outside.

“Are you busy, Dr. Novak?” Dean heard a voice that he quickly recognized as Meg when Castiel opened the door before they talked in hushed voices. Dean rubbed his hands on his thigh, reaching for his ring and hoping that Meg didn’t step into the room to see the disheveled and flustered state that he was pretty sure he was currently in.

The younger man was lost in his thoughts when he heard Castiel’s voice cut through the air, his blue eyes looking over at him, “Is there anything else you needed to discuss with me today, Dean?”

Dean took those words as his cue to leave before rising to his feet, running a hand over his mouth before shaking his head, “No, sir. I’ll see you at dinner.”

He grabbed his jacket off the door, not glancing at Meg as he stepped out, but he could feel her gaze watching him carefully as he quickly sped off down the hall, almost as if he were a teenager getting caught doing something that he wasn’t supposed to be doing. Quickly, he glanced down at his watch, knowing he had one more class for the day in about an hour, and then they’d be back together again sitting in the cafeteria.

Dean figured he’d go find Benny, who more than likely was taking an afternoon nap in their room like he usually did this time of day. He kept a steady pace, walking back into the main building, and down the hall before opening the door to the shared room. Benny laid on his bed, his arms folded over his stomach as he sat up quickly at Dean’s sudden entrance before looking over him with careful eyes.

Dean could feel the older male’s eyes watching him carefully before Benny asked, “Did you find yourself a missus somewhere around here?”

Dean’s face flushed once again, blurting out, “N-No. Why do you ask that?”

Benny pointed at his neck, and Dean whipped his head around in the mirror, only to see a purple tinted bruise forming on one of the reddened spots on his skin, more than likely where Castiel had been sucking at the spot.

Quickly, Dean’s hand reached up, pressing down on the mark and mentally reveling in the way that it was sore before swearing under his breath:

“Son of a bitch.”

Author’s Note:

Hello again, lovelies. I hope everyone has had a wonderful week. It surely seems like time has been flying by these past few weeks for me. I'm currently rewatching Supernatural again, trying to work on my characterizations and doing a bit of a study so I can try something new once I finish writing Drowning. My best friend is also coming to visit next week so I'm super stoked about that; I haven't seen him in a year and he lives on the other side of the country so it's always nice when he comes back home and pays me a visit.

Let's dive into the notes for this week's chapter.

So, Benny will be exiting the story sometime sometime soon, but I promise it'll only be for a short bit. I'm pretty happy I chose to feature his character in the story because honestly, I love writing Benny's parts. I'll definitely miss writing him for the few chapters that I'm about to dive into personally, so like I said, I promise that he'll definitely come back before I close everything out.

We also get steps 4 and 5 this week. As always, let me quote my personal research, "4. Soul Searching: The person in recovery must identify their problems and get a clear picture of how their behavior affected themselves and others around them," and "5. Integrity: Step 5 provides great opportunity for growth. The person in recovery must admit their wrongs in front of their higher power and another person." I try my best to explain the steps through Castiel's dialogue, but I figured I'd add it into the notes just so everyone understands why I chose the words that I chose when it came to phrasing and talking about the program.

Also, I did add a little bit more backstory for Dean, specifically when he talks about how he realized he was bisexual. As a bisexual female myself, this is one of the ways that I really relate to Dean's character, though it's not specifically canon. I've always viewed the character as bisexual even when I first watched the show, and now that I'm on my 3rd rewatch, that feeling only comes more into fruition with each episode that I finish.

The last thing I want to touch on is Dean's higher power. I had to loop the whole angel thing into the story somehow, and using it as Dean's higher power was the only way I could think of doing it and keeping it true to my AU. That being said, Dean kinda sees Castiel as his angel, so yeah... Castiel is an angel to Dean in a figurative sense, and that's why he looped to writing to Cas instead of his higher power. I'll explain more of that later.

As for next week, we get Dean's side of the story of why he has the hickey, another visit from Sam, a bit more of backstory involving Dean's life outside of rehab, and another journal entry from Dean. I don't know how late my friend will be staying with me next week, and I have to work next Thursday, so the upload could be either late, or a little early. I'll admit that I'm slowing down a bit when it comes to writing chapters, but I'm getting into things now that I really have to sink my teeth into to write and I'm hope you guys will enjoy what I have planned in the future.

I'm also planning on putting together a list of fics that I recommend on my tumblr, so if you're interested in any of that, feel free to give me a follow if you like my story.

I hope everyone has a lovely week, and I'll see you all soon. Stay lovely.

#Supernatural #Supernatural Rehab AU #Fanfiction #Destiel #Dean Winchester x Castiel #Castiel x Dean Winchester #CasDean #DeanCas #Spn

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a-fictional-reality · 2 years

Text

To Keep from Drowning

Chapter 6

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Three days had passed since Dean had kissed Castiel, and he had been trying to avoid the older male at all costs. Despite having counseling appointments on his schedule, Dean chose not to go to them because of how he had reacted the last time he had been with the blue eyed man, and had chosen to let his emotions take a hold over him. Instead, Dean went to his classes, spent time with Benny, and tried to avoid looking at the table that had been empty in the cafeteria since the incident.

On the fourth day, even though Dean tried to get himself into this new routine minus the important counseling sessions, Meg stopped him and Benny in the hallway with her hands on her hips and a frown on her expression.

“Benny, you can continue on, I need to talk to Mr. Winchester for a moment,” Meg said, unhappy as the taller male looked over at Dean with a look that said, you’re in trouble now, buddy. It took a second before he continued down the hallway, heading towards the cafeteria, when Meg grabbed Dean by the wrist and started dragging him towards the detox rooms.

Quickly, she opened the door to an unoccupied room, pulling him behind her with a grip that surprised Dean, before shutting the door and leaning up against it. Meg crossed her arms in front of her chest, her knuckles brushing her badge that was pinned to the fabric of the shirt before the frown deepened in her features.

“Dr. Novak reported to me that you’ve been missing your counseling sessions. Do you care to tell me why?” The younger woman asked, brown eyes pointed in Dean’s direction and he felt that if she stared at him any harder, he’d melt into a puddle on the floor.

Dean didn’t speak, just reaching for his necklace as the nerves he had been trying to repress the past few days bloomed once again in his chest as his heart began to race. Despite how hard he tried to shake it out of his head, he could still remember the faintest press of Castiel’s lips against his, the warmth of his large hands wrapped up in his hair, and the combination of the two that had sent Dean so many mixed signals that he almost didn’t have a care in the world. He didn’t know if Castiel was even attracted to him, but he felt something there when it happened, and there was a feeling deep rooted in his gut that told him that his counselor did too.

“How much did he tell you?” Dean muttered, not looking at her and choosing to stare at her feet instead.

“That’s not the issue right now, Mr. Winchester. I went over the rules of the facility with you, and so did Dr. Novak, and the one thing I told you to listen to very well was to make sure to follow the rules of the facility; it makes the time go by quicker, and based on how you ended up here, you need those counseling sessions whether or not you think you do. That’s how we monitor how well you’re doing in the program, if we need to change anything about your program, and trust me, out of anyone here, you’ve got the best damn counselor that this facility has ever seen. Now, I’ll answer your questions once you answer mine,” Meg huffed, voice trying to remain an even pitch as she tried to get her point across, but her frustration with him was evident in her tone.

Dean twisted his ring between his fingers, feeling a bit like a caged animal, which was never a good thing; he was afraid that if she backed him any further into the corner that he was in, he’d lash out, and based on previous experience, he had a tendency to lash out when he felt trapped. He didn’t want to risk getting angry with Meg and burning yet another bridge while at the facility; he knew that he couldn’t continue being here without someone on his side, and he wasn’t sure where he stood with Castiel at the moment to determine whether or not he was still someone he could confide in.

Instead, he tried to get his breathing even with the movements of the piece of gold, trying to calm himself down, only to say in a low, neutral voice, “I just need to know, am I still considered a patient here or do I need to pack up my stuff and leave?”

Meg unfolded her arms from in front of her chest, eyes holding a look of confusion before asking, “What makes you think that we’re going to kick you out of the facility because you’ve been missing counseling sessions? I’ve only got Dr. Novak’s side of the story, I just need yours to determine where we need to go from here for your sake, Dean.”

Dean’s voice remained the same, almost hollow as he asked, clenching his hands into fists at his sides, “Is Cas upset with me? That’s all I need to know.”

Meg frowned, letting out a sigh before crossing her arms once again, “No, he’s not upset with you. I don’t know what exactly happened between the two of you as he didn’t explain, but he said you left his office suddenly after talking about wanting to leave, and you were gone before he had a chance to ask you to come back. That’s all I know. He just wants us to make sure that you’re okay, and that you’ll resume coming to your counseling sessions because again, they’re kind of important.”

“Will you walk with me down there? I’ll go, I just…” Dean couldn’t figure out where he was going with his words. His thoughts were leading back to the kiss, the things he said beforehand, how he was talking about what he found to believe in, and then how his body just brought him into the older male’s direction, almost without a single thought in his head.

“What, Dean?” Meg asked, her expression softening just the slightest.

Dean sighed, unclenching his fists before raising his head. He looked at her, letting out a loud sigh before saying, “I just need you to walk with me down there. I trust you when you say that he’s not upset, but I’d feel better if you went with me to his office. That way I can explain what’s going on to him comfortably.”

Meg turned around, opening the door to the room before gesturing for the older man to walk through, saying resignedly, “Fine, but I can’t stay long. I have rounds to do in about fifteen minutes, and I have a feeling that neither of you want me to know the whole story at the moment.”

Dean nodded his head and the two began to walk down the hallway of the facility in silence. Meg kept her pace only a few steps quicker than Dean’s despite their height difference to where she was walking in front of him, leading the way. Dean shivered as they walked out into the cold air to make their way towards the office building, regretting not grabbing his jacket out of his room when they walked past. It wasn’t long until the two of them were standing in front of the large wooden office door, and Meg knocked briskly before casting a glance over at the taller man that stood beside her.

Slowly, the door opened, Castiel’s eyes meeting Dean’s immediately, his face slightly reddening at the look of him, before stepping aside and allowing the two to enter and returning back behind his desk. Dean watched carefully as Castiel closed a folder that he had open on his desk, shuffling some papers around, before Meg said, “I found your lost puppy.”

“I can see that,” Castiel muttered, not looking up from the paperwork to respond to her comment, and Dean awkwardly walked over to the other side of the room, taking a seat on the couch.

The younger male rubbed his hands on his thigh as the two of them spoke quietly on the other side of the office, not really listening to their words. As his eyes met the chair that sat across the room, he could remember Castiel looking up at him, body rigid and tense pressed into the navy material before Dean ran away. Dean remembered the look in Castiel’s blue eyes, some emotion behind it, but Dean’s nerves had been so frazzled at the moment that couldn’t exactly pinpoint what it had been.

“...is it okay if I leave you two alone?” Dean raised his head as he glanced over at Meg, her hands on her hips as she spoke to his counselor.

“That’ll be fine,” Castiel said softly, glancing over at Dean before looking at Meg once again.

Dean tried to give Meg a look that said, please don’t go, not yet, but it was lost to her back turning as she made her exit from the room. He winced as the door was closed by Castiel with a heavy thud before he walked over to the chair that sat across from Dean. Quickly, he took a seat in it before folding notebook in his lap, uncapping his pen, and holding it pointedly towards the page before he met Dean’s eyes. Dean nervously played with his ring, and just waited for Castiel to tear into him about the kiss and how out of line it was, but that moment never came.

“Do you want to talk about what happened?” Castiel asked, voice soft as Dean chewed at his lip, folding the ring at a rapid pace between his fingers.

“I’m sorry,” Dean said, his voice low in his throat, similar to the way in which he had spoken with Meg earlier, “I know that I was out of line the other day and I don’t know what came over me. I misread a situation, I had a lot going through my head, and I didn’t have a right to do what I did.”

Castiel hummed as if he was lost in thought at Dean’s words before he responded, “You were overwhelmed. You had just seen Sam, you were homesick, you said you wanted to drink, and you had a lot on your mind. I don’t blame you for reacting the way in which you did, but I do think that you misread the situation that was going on due to how your mind and body was in overdrive.”

Dean’s heart that had been racing steadily in his chest felt like it dropped into his stomach, no longer where it was supposed to be behind his ribcage. Dean had already thought Castiel probably didn’t have feelings for Dean, but he wasn’t expecting for those feelings to become unrequited like this.

Dean opened his mouth to speak before Castiel continued, “That being said, usually I tell my counselors that if a patient doesn’t show up for one counseling session to report it to myself and Nurse Masters. I waited until yesterday to say anything to Nurse Masters for a few reasons. I know you were ignoring me, Dean, because of obvious reasons, but what I don’t understand is why you chose to do what you did.”

The younger male clenched his jaw, dropping his hands into his lap to intertwine his fingers together before he sat up, saying, “Because I trust you, and out of every person that I’ve met here so far, you’re the only one so far that I’m comfortable fully being myself around. You’ve listened to my story without judgment, you’ve willingly told me your own story, and hell, you’ve even given me pie. You’re a person that I feel like I can trust, and that doesn’t happen very often. I don’t even tell my brother about everything that’s going on in my head.”

“And I want you to trust me. I’m your counselor, and my purpose here is to make sure that when you leave the facility, your sobriety remains intact. I don’t want any feelings that you may have for me to cloud that. That also being said, it is true that it’s not that often that I take on patients myself anymore since I’m mainly focused on the administration work here, but there was something about your file when it came into my possession that made me want to take you on…” Castiel’s words trailed off as he spoke, his eyes looking away from Dean, “And when I met you in the cafeteria, and then once again in my office during your first full day, there were also feelings. I cannot deny that I find you to be a person of interest, but I don’t want that to ruin your recovery; I don’t want to stop you from being the person that you want to be.”

Dean’s eyes stared at Castiel, a look of surprise crossing his face. The older man still didn’t look at him, choosing the scribble on the blank piece of paper in front of him instead as the room was deathly silent in the midst of the confession. It almost felt like there was water rushing into Dean’s ears as he continued to stare, his mind running hundreds of miles an hour with every thought. Castiel had admitted that he found Dean attractive, that he had feelings for Dean, and while he felt elated by the admittance, his heart still felt like it had a permanent place in the bottom of his stomach.

“So, what do we do?” The younger male asked, voice echoing throughout the room, and Castiel looked up at him slowly.

“We have a few options,” Castiel mused with a sigh, “I can have you transferred to another counselor so our interactions are limited while you’re at the facility, and we can act like the kiss never happened–”

“No,” Dean quickly responded, not even realizing the words had escaped his throat as he cut Castiel off mid-sentence.

“-- or I can continue being your counselor since I am the person that you trust. The only way that I will let you have the second option is if we meet certain terms. If I feel at any point that the feelings that we share for each other have become detrimental to your sobriety, I will have you transferred to another counselor, and I will only interact with you if you have a problem that someone else is unable to resolve. Though patient and counselor relationships have happened in the past, they haven’t come to fruition while at the facility, and I don’t like making exceptions for myself. For your sake though, I feel that if you feel like you can be fully open with me, I will make a few exceptions, but I don’t want it getting in the way of your recovery. Do you understand?” Castiel continued as if Dean hadn’t interrupted him at all.

Dean slowly nodded his head, surprised that Castiel was okay with admitting their feelings for each other. He knew that it didn’t make them a couple per se, but as Dean had admitted before, he was never one for relationships - that was more of Sam’s shtick - but he felt like if he had something with Castiel here, it would bloom into something more further down the line. It made the younger male’s heart race faster and faster in his chest just thinking about it to the point it made him dizzy. He wasn't usually one to feel these types of feelings.

“I’d like verbal confirmation please,” Castiel said quietly before Dean swallowed the lump that was in his throat.

“Yeah, I understand, Cas,” Dean muttered, knowing that with all his being that this is what he wanted. He leaned back into the couch, a breathy sigh leaving his lips as he met the older man’s blue eyes.

“Now, can we continue our conversation from the other day? We left off with you starting to tell me what you recognize as your belief.” Castiel said, moving on quickly.

“Uh, yeah,” Dean began, “Second step was finding something to believe in, and now that I can openly talk about it, I realize what that thing was when we were down at the lake the other day watching the sunset. Like I said before, my mother told me when I was younger she told me that angels were watching out for me, and even though I don’t technically believe in God,” Dean watched as Castiel reached for the cross that hung around his neck before continuing, “I do believe that there’s something out there looking out for me. I mean, I walked away from that bad car accident with just a few scars; nothing was broken, and I didn’t die so yeah, angels.”

“That’s an interesting perspective,” Castiel muttered, writing down what Dean had just said before looking back up at him, “Were you close with your mother if you don’t mind talking about her?”

Dean looked away, reaching for his ring that used to belong to her, “I was. She put up with a lot of shit from my dad, but she was a good person. She took good care of Sam and I while Dad was off on his binges; read us bedtime stories, made us chicken soup when we were sick, took care of the house,” Dean’s words choked in his throat as he spoke, “She was taken from this world far too soon. This ring is actually hers which is probably why I use it to comfort myself so much when I get nervous.”

“I’m sure she’s in a better place. She sounds like she was a lovely woman who cared very much about her sons. Does Sam also have something to remember her by?” Castiel asked, folding his hands in his lap, careful not to mark his skin with the pen.

“Yeah, she had both of her rings still, even though Dad wanted to pawn the engagement ring when I was a kid for booze. She was adamant that it needed to remain in the family so it could be passed on to one of us when we found a sweetheart that we wanted to marry,” Dean said softly and he watched Castiel’s gaze drop for a moment as if he was lost in thought.

“That’s understandable, I used my mother’s engagement ring for my ex-fiance. Since I was still in college at the time, my student loans were more important than going out to buy Hannah a fancy piece of jewelry,” Castiel said softly.

Dean nodded his head, “It was the same thought process when it came to us. She was going to give the engagement ring to the son who wanted to get married first. After she died though, it was put in a safety deposit box until we were adults by my uncle for safekeeping. After they took her off life support, he gave me her wedding ring on a chain since it was too big for me to wear, and later too small. He told me that it was something for me to remember her by and I haven’t really taken it off since.”

Castiel hummed in response, saying softly, “Is that why you wear it? To keep her memory alive?”

Dean shrugged his shoulders, “It reminds me of her which is why I worry it so much. At first, it was to cherish her memory, but as time has moved on, I use it more now to calm myself when everything gets to be overwhelming. That’s one of the reasons I liked alcohol so much; it numbed everything inside of me so that I didn’t have to worry about it as much. I could be carefree and not really have to worry about the repercussions besides the occasional night in jail for drunk and disorderly. Honestly, I think I’ve just worn it the past few years because I was so used to having it there with me, but now that I don’t have alcohol to rely on, I’ve gone back to the ring.”

“That’s understandable,” Castiel said, writing something down on the notebook, “So, you’re willing to use angels as your higher power. That completes the second step of your program, and now we move on to the third that also ties into what I’d like for you to do during your fourth step.”

Dean rubbed the palm of his hand against his thigh as Castiel continued to speak, “For the third step, I’d like for you to recognize that you alone cannot fight through this. I want you to try to rely on your higher power for the next few days when it comes to the emotions that you carry with you. I want you to recognize and start implementing your angels into your life whether that be through prayer or even something as simple as writing it down in a private journal. I want you to work and accept that your higher power is there to help you, and that you can’t handle all of these emotions and feelings alone. Honestly, I wish we had gotten to this step sooner before you reacted in the manner that you did the other day, but everyone works the program in their own time.”

Castiel was twisting his pen around in his hands and when he caught Dean wince at his last couple of sentences, he added, “And don’t think that I’m taking you kissing me as a bad reaction. There are many other ways that you could have reacted, but you just happened to lean into an emotion that you were feeling right in that moment with me.”

“Do you…” Dean’s question trailed off before he shook his head. The question that he was going to ask was best served for another day, instead he changed his mind, “Can we talk some more later today? I mean, if you’ve got the time. I was thinking about taking a walk on the trail after dinner.”

A soft smile played Castiel’s lips for only a second before saying, “I think that will be fine. How about you eat dinner with me as well? I do miss my table since I’ve been avoiding the cafeteria for a few days to give you some space.”

Dean nodded his head, standing to his feet before walking towards the door. Castiel joined him as well, opening the door for the younger male before placing a hand on his shoulder, saying, “Thank you for coming to talk to me today, Dean. It was nice to speak to you again. I’ll see you at dinner.”

“Yeah, see you later,” Dean muttered, stepping out of the room as he felt Castiel’s hand touch the small of his back for only a moment as if he needed the momentum to get out the door alone.

As he walked down the hall, playing with the ring that hung around his neck, he felt like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders, and he couldn’t help but let a smile spread across his face just thinking about the fact that Castiel had admitted that he felt something deep down for Dean as well.

—

At dinner, after Dean went through the cafeteria line to get his meal, he found himself almost sauntering over to the table where Castiel sat, his book set to the side the moment that he noticed the younger male approaching. Castiel’s tray was still full, nothing out of place or touched as if he had been waiting for Dean, and as the younger male took his seat, the blue eyed man said, “Hello, Dean.”

“Hiya, Cas,” Dean said, grabbing his fork and beginning to tear into the lasagna that sat on his plate before noticing a blue notebook and pen sitting underneath the heavy tome that Castiel always carried around with him.

He chuckled softly before asking, “So, are you going to give me a counseling session after dinner? Is that why you brought your notebook with you?”

What was a hint of a laugh left Castiel’s lips before he said, “No, it’s actually a gift for you. I got to thinking after our counseling session earlier what I could do to help you out, and I figured that I had plenty of empty journals and pens lying about my office that I’d be willing to give one to you.”

Dean reached over, pulling the notebook out from up under the thick hardback - Castiel’s bookmark showing that he was only a quarter of a way through reading it - before taking it into his hands. He clicked the pen a couple of times in his hands before asking, “What’s this for?”

“Well, based on your choice of a higher power, and the suggestions I mentioned to you earlier, I figured you’d be one who’d prefer to write things down instead of praying. If I assumed wrong, then I apologize. Usually people look at prayer as something more that religious types do, but anyone can pray to whatever they believe in. I chose God as my higher power, but I was raised in church as a kid, hence why I wear a cross around my neck and keep a pretty large library of texts written about Christianity,” Castiel rambled, taking small bites of his food as Dean had already cleared off half of his plate.

“It’s not that Sam and I weren’t raised to be religious, we just didn’t go to church much as kids. Our uncle would take us on occasions, mainly around the holidays such as Christmas and Easter, but it just wasn’t a large part of our childhood. I don’t think anything bad about Chrisitianity, but when I was a child, I was pretty angry at God for letting my parents die and leaving Sam and I orphans. I don’t think I’ve ever truly let that go,” Dean said, muttering as he ran his fork through the vegetables on his plate before turning to the pie.

“You know, you should really eat your vegetables, Dean,” Castiel muttered, the hint of a laugh in his tone.

“I don’t really like anything green unless it’s on a burger,” Dean said, grinning at Castiel before sinking his fork into the slice of pie; today’s was pumpkin since it was getting close to November, and October had plenty of pumpkins to pick from.

“Mm, I guess I’ll have to find something to change that,” Castiel said in almost a whisper, meeting Dean’s eyes as the younger male blushed all the way up to his ears.

Before this point, Castiel hadn’t really flirted with Dean, and usually Dean wouldn’t take those words as someone flirting with him, but it was something about the gravel in the older man’s voice that caused Dean to blush like a schoolgirl. Instead, he quickly turned back to his pie, thinking about how weird it was going to be getting used to their strange acquaintanceship. As he put the piece of pie in his mouth, thinking about how the flavor almost melted on his tongue instantly, and how out of his element he felt now that he wasn’t boozed up all the time.

“Thank you for the notebook, Cas,” Dean said as he swallowed the bite, and Castiel looked down at the nickname, a twitch of a smile finding his lips.

“You’re very welcome.” The older male muttered, finishing his piece of lasagna before turning to his vegetables, eating them instead of ignoring them like Dean.

After the two males finished their meals, returning their trays to the cafeteria staff, they walked out the cafeteria heading towards the trail. Dean kept his hands shoved in his pockets as the two of them walked quietly, the only sound filling the woods was an occasional bird and the crunching of gravel under their shoes.

When they arrived at the bench that sat across from the lakeside, Dean picked up a flat rock that he spied near the toe of his boot. He could feel Castiel watching him carefully as Dean approached the edge of the shore with careful footsteps before flicking his wrist, throwing the rock, and watching it skid across the water creating ripples across the surface. As the rock sunk into the depths at the end of its path, he took a seat down next to Castiel at the bench, staring out at the sun as it also slowly sunk into the horizon.

“Was there something specific that you wanted to talk to me about?” Castiel asked, as Dean leaned back into the wood, glancing over at the older male.

“Not in particular. I just thought it’d be nice to take a walk with somebody, watch the sunset, and I find you pleasant to be around,” Dean teased as Castiel shook his head.

“Why am I so pleasant to be around you?” Castiel asked honestly and Dean had to think about why for a long moment.

Dean rubbed the back of his neck, leaning forward before saying, “I don’t know honestly. I don’t know if it’s because you’re the first real person I met when I got here that wasn’t behind a desk–”

“Technically I am behind a desk for most of the day,” Castiel cut him off.

Dean rolled his eyes before continuing, “I feel like I’m not a character around you. Before all of this, I spent a lot of my time in bars playing a character of whatever the other person wanted. I’ve never been one for relationships. I’ve always either dealt with flings, or the relationships that I did form never seemed to last for long because I couldn’t be who I truly was. Alcohol made it easier to wear that mask.”

“So, the Dean that I know is the most genuine version of yourself?” Castiel asked, placing his hand flat against the bench as he sat up.

“For the most part, yes. There are some things here and there that I haven’t revealed about myself, but I’m sure that they’ll come up in our counseling sessions at some point,” The younger male said, looking at the dying sunlight reflecting in Castiel’s blue eyes.

“And you want to know more about me?” Castiel asked, and Dean nodded his head.

The air was silent between the two of them for a long moment as if Castiel was thinking how to respond. Instead, Dean felt a hand gently grab him by the jaw, turning him in the older male’s direction before he felt Castiel’s lips press to his, firm, but at the same time soft. Dean leaned into the kiss, reaching up to hold the back of Castiel’s neck, his fingers brushing the older male’s hairline. Dean felt Castiel’s thumb brush his cheek as he deepened the kiss from chaste to open mouthed, movements soft and slow that it would have made Dean’s legs feel like he was made of jello had he not been sitting down.

The younger man’s fingers ran through the back of Castiel’s hair, black locks carding through Dean’s fingers as the older male somehow managed to pull them even closer together. Every thought that had been running through Dean’s head prior to this had been nullified, and everything was filled with the thought of Castiel; his smell, his taste, his breathing, the feeling of his hands on Dean’s face.

When Castiel finally pulled away, Dean’s face felt hot. He pulled his hands away from the older man’s hair, reaching his fingers to his lips before he said behind them, “What was that for?”

“You said you wanted to know more about me, and I wanted to see if you were thinking the same thing that I was thinking the other day when I asked you to take a walk with me. I’ve never shared this spot with another person at the facility. I also wanted to prove to you that I promise that I’m a better kisser than what you saw the other day,” A small smirk played on Castiel's lips that somehow made Dean’s face feel hotter than it already was.

“Uh, well, yeah, you proved that,” Dean fumbled to find his words as his brain was still trying to return back to reality after the intensity behind his feelings finally being validated.

“But, if you really want to know who I am, my name is Dr. Castiel James Novak. I’m thirty-one years old. I was born and raised in Kansas just a few miles from here. I’m a doctor, a counselor, and the owner of this facility. I’m pansexual. I live in the house that I grew up in–”

“Okay, okay. I get it,” Dean said, raising his hands before Castiel could continue on. It was a lot of information to take in at once, but he was making mental notes to remember later on if it ever came up in conversation.

Castiel arched his eyebrow in Dean’s direction before asking, “Do you not want me to continue?”

Dean shook his head, “It’s just a lot to take in at once. Today has been a lot. I was really worried that you were going to be pissed at me and kick me out of the facility for letting my emotions get the best of me. I prefer to just have a regular conversation. You know?”

Castiel nodded his head, thoughtful, before looking at Dean and asking, “Would you like for me to kiss you again instead of rambling off facts about me?”

“Yes, please,” Dean said, swallowing a lump forming in his throat.

Castiel chuckled softly before pulling Dean in once again, and as their lips met, Dean couldn’t help, but feel normal for once in his life. For once in his life, Dean didn’t feel like he was John Winchester’s son, or Sam’s older brother, or one of the orphan Winchester children whose parents died in a tragic car accident years and years ago. For once he was being recognized as himself and not someone he was expected to be.

And something about that was hauntingly beautiful.

Author’s Note:

Welcome back, my lovely readers! As always, I hope everyone has had a good week. I've decided to take a break from writing the story this week, and thankfully, since I've got my buffer system built up, I'm able to take a break and not have to worry about rushing a chapter. That being said, I have been working a bit on a side project of mine that hopefully I'll be able to post somewhere in the near future. It's also been a bit of a wild week in the Supernatural fandom, but I've already wrote a piece about that on my main blog so I won't dive any further into it here.

Let's dive into this week's notes instead, and honestly, I don't have much to say about the chapter for once. When it came to planning the story, whichever route I had chosen to take with Castiel's character, whether he was patient or counselor, most of the events would have remained the same. I did want to throw in a little bit of reciprocated feelings though because this is important to parts of the story that will come later.

While I did a pretty good job of explaining the third step through Castiel's dialogue, here's what I used for reference as always, "Surrender: You can change your self-destructive decisions by recognizing that you alone cannot recover; with help from your higher power, you can." That being said, trusting yourself to give in to a higher being is a pretty important step when it comes to recovery because in this, you surrender yourself to something outside of your control. A little side note about this, keep Dean's choice in mind when it comes to later chapters because I do throw a couple of callbacks to this later on.

Next week we have another appearance of Benny, another phone call to Sam, Dean makes use of the notebook Castiel gave him, and another surprise that I'm sure you lovelies will enjoy a bit towards the end of the chapter.

As always, thank you all for reading, commenting, and leaving kudos. Everyone has been very supportive of the story so far and I really appreciate it because I've got a lot of things still to come in this fic, as well as this AU in general.

I hope everyone has a wonderful week, and I'll see you all next time with the next chapter!

#Destiel #Supernatural #Spn #Supernatural Rehab AU #Fanficiton #DeanCas #CasDean #dean winchester x castiel #castiel x dean winchester #My writing

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a-fictional-reality · 2 years

Text

To Keep from Drowning

Chapter 5:

Read on Archive of Our Own

Dean wakes up on Saturday before the sun has even risen. He listens to Benny snore from the other side of the room, the older man's breathing shallow from years of smoking cigarettes, amongst other things in his personal history. As he lays there, waiting for Meg to come around with everyone’s wake up calls, his mind rolls around in circles with every thought that happens to pass through his head.

Today, he gets to see his brother for the first time in a week, and though he should feel elated because he misses home, he’s worried. A part of him has always put on a facade for his brother, making himself out to be the protector, the one who keeps Sam safe, but he wore that mask to hide his misdeeds; he used it to hide his addiction, his partners that Sam didn’t know about, his emotions and feelings that Dean felt like would get in the way of keeping Sam safe. He was worried that without the alcohol, the mask would fall away to reveal the illusion that Dean had carefully spent years trying to manage.

A part of him was unsure if Sam would even recognize the person Dean really was underneath all the layers he had spent years meticulously building up, and that scared the hell out of him.

A loud snore from Benny brought Dean back to reality, and he realized that he was digging his nails into the skin of his bare chest, right above where his heart lay. Slowly, he pulled it away, the clenched feeling in his chest releasing only slightly before he rolled over to face the window.

The younger male took a deep, ragged breath, rolling over and burying his face into the pillow before drifting off to sleep once again, if only for a few hours.

It felt like he hadn’t even had a chance to rest his eyes when he awoke to Benny rustling around the room, climbing out of bed. As Dean opened his eyes, he could now see a bit of early morning sunshine filtering through the cracks in the blinds and he winced as the bright light streamed across his face, causing him to groan.

“Morning, sunshine,” Benny said, stepping over to his side of the room, giving the younger male a wave before disappearing into the bathroom not giving Dean a chance to respond.

Dean slowly rolled out of bed, throwing back the covers he draped over his person, and grabbing his shirt from yesterday that he had left abandoned on a chair. He pulled it over his frame, stretching his arms above his head, and clenching his jaw when he heard and felt his shoulder pop audibly. As he walked over to the mirror to fix his hair, and try to rub what was left of the sleep out of his eyes, Benny stepped out of the bathroom, also preparing himself for the day.

“You wanna come out to the gazebo with me for a few minutes before it gets crowded? You know how all the smokers are at this point. It’s always wake up, get coffee, and go smoke a cigarette first thing in the morning,” Benny said, grabbing a pair of jeans out of his bag before pulling them over the boxers that he slept in the night before.

“Yeah,” Dean said, glancing over at the older male, “Just let me brush my teeth and get dressed.”

Benny grunted in acknowledgement as Dean went through the motions, grabbing some clean clothes out of his duffle before going into the bathroom to get ready for the day.

Within fifteen minutes, the two males were stepping out into the crisp cold air of the early morning, heading off to the gazebo. They had woken up early enough that no one was there yet, and as they stepped up onto the little covered deck, Dean leaned on the railing as Benny fumbled in his coat pocket for his pack of cigarettes before holding it out to Dean for a long moment without saying anything.

Dean didn’t typically smoke cigarettes. He never liked the way the smoke clung to everything from the skin of his fingertips to his clothes, but he had done it in social situations in the past. With the way his nerves were shot right now though, he appreciated Benny’s offer, taking the pack from the older male’s hands and grabbing a cancer stick of his own before handing it back to Benny.

Carefully, Dean placed it between his lips, waiting for Benny to hand over the lighter after he lit his own. The younger male flicked the hot pink Bic, watching the flame shoot up from the metal before holding it to the end of the cigarette and taking a long drag, exhaling not long afterwards and watching plumes of smoke leave his lips.

“Aren’t you getting a visitor today?” Benny asked as Dean stared out at the trees in the forest behind the facility. Dean thought for only a moment about how Castiel’s hand brushed his sitting on the bench yesterday evening, and how he felt about it, before shaking it away.

“Yeah, my brother,” Dean muttered before meeting Benny’s gaze, “What about you? You got any visitors?”

Benny shook his head, “I’m sure you already know, but I’m a long way from home. The only person who might visit would be my niece if my brother would let her. I’m not even sure if he knows that I’m here right now though.”

Dean took another drag off his cigarette, flicking the ash off the end of it on the other side of the railing. He looked lost in thought for a long moment, not wanting to pry too far into Benny’s personal life without the older man being open and honest with him before he said, “Don’t worry. I’m sure Sam will make it seem like he’s here to visit the both of us once he meets you. I might even ask him to bring his girlfriend next time since she apparently has a thing for my car.”

Benny let out a sharp chuckle that was quickly followed by a cough, “Are you sure she’s his girlfriend if that’s the case?”

The younger man rubbed the back of his neck with his free hand, laughing, feeling as if the weight of his worries on his chest had been slightly lifted for a moment before saying, “Y-Yeah. I’ve met Jess in passing a few times, but she… she’s not my type really. That and she goes to school with Sam which is how they met. He’s always been the one to have girlfriends and relationships, me, not so much.”

“You just haven’t found the right person,” Benny says, sounding thoughtful before punching Dean lightly on the arm. Dean rolled his eyes before shoving Benny back in jest.

Dean took another drag off the cigarette, muttering, “Nah, I’ve always been busy trying to play my brother’s keeper. Since we lost our parents young, even though we were raised by our uncle after our parents died, I always felt the need to protect Sam. Even though he’s only four years younger than me, I always felt like I needed to be there to watch out for him. Hell, I practically helped raise him since he was four, even packed his lunches when he was a kid.”

Benny was quiet for a long moment, glancing over at Dean before asking, “What are you going to do when he’s old enough that he doesn’t need to be protected by you anymore?”

Dean felt the weight crushing his chest once again at the thought of the question, his eyes going wide as he reached for his necklace to fiddle with it for only a moment before responding, “I don’t know. I’ve been doing it for as long as I can remember. I think a part of me will always want to protect Sam because he’s Sam, but I don’t know. I’ve spent my entire life doing it, so I don’t know if I’ll ever feel like he won’t need me at some point.” His last sentence sounded hollow as he spoke, and he turned away from the railing to stub out what remained of the cancer stick in a sandpit that sat in the middle of the gazebo.

Benny followed suit moments later and Dean shoved his hands into his jacket pockets, watching the leftover smoke dissipate into the air around them. The older male glanced over at Dean, not saying anything, just looking thoughtful before choosing to change the subject entirely, “Let’s go get some breakfast. I’m sure you don’t want to see Sam while your stomach is growling the entire time.”

Dean nodded his head, following Benny back towards the main building, kicking every rock that he saw on the sidewalk. The thoughts still continued to loom in his head, but having the weight lifted off his chest for only a moment felt like sweet release.

—

Dean nervously stood close to Benny in the commons area with the other patients, glancing over at the clock every now and again, and twisting his ring between his fingers. After breakfast, his anxiety became more excitement to see his brother, but some of his fears still remained deep rooted in his gut. They had been spending the past couple of hours watching tv and making jokes about the actors on the screen with the other patients of the facility. As they all stood in a crowd of excitement and nerves, Dean almost felt like shaking in anticipation when he saw a group of people heading down the hallway, Meg at the front of the line.

The weight in Dean’s mind felt like it had entirely disappeared the moment he saw his stupidly tall brother towering over a majority of the crowd, and it took everything in him not to run towards the group to pull Sam into a tight hug of pure relief to see that he was here, that he was safe, that he hadn’t forgotten about Dean in the past few days, and that he had kept his promise of coming to visit him.

As the crowd reached the end of the hall, they dispersed throughout the room, pulling their family members into hugs and talking quietly before Sam approached Dean with quick footsteps. Dean pulled his younger brother tight to his chest, almost in a grip tight enough to knock the wind from the male’s lanky frame before smacking him on the back.

“Didn’t realize you missed me that much,” Sam said, pulling away trying to breathe oxygen back into his lungs as Dean kept a hand on his brother’s shoulder.

“I-I’ve just missed you, Sammy,” Dean muttered, trying to keep his voice from sounding like a choke before remembering that his roommate was standing nearby, waiting for him to introduce the two of them. “Ah, uh, Sam, I’d like you to meet my roommate Benny. Benny, this is Sam, my brother.”

Dean gestured between the two of them, trying to get his wits back about him before watching Benny and Sam shake hands and share pleasantries with one another. Dean found himself playing with his ring as the two spoke in soft voices before Sam turned back in his direction before asking, “Is there somewhere we can all go and talk? I mean, I know it’s kinda crowded in here with everyone else.”

Dean quickly nodded his head, leading his brother and roommate out through the crowd, heading towards the building’s exit to head back out to the gazebo. He knew that there were a few smokers that would come and go in the time they were out there, but it would be a lot quieter compared to the commons area where everyone currently was. Dean had an idea though since there were actually very few areas where visitors were restricted from during visiting hours; everyone new had to go through an orientation after breakfast about the rules for visitors.

The temperature outside was a little warmer compared to what it was like when Dean had been outside earlier in the morning, but it still had a bit of a bite to it. Dean had his hands shoved deep in his jacket pockets as they began to head outside, and he could feel Sam stepping on the back of his heel accidentally on occasions as he followed close behind his brother. As they took a seat at one of the benches that sat underneath the roof of the gazebo, Benny walked over to the railing to light up a cigarette, letting them speak in private as much as possible.

Dean didn’t know what to say as they sat there, just rubbing his hands together before Sam spoke up, “So, what have you been up to?”

“Same old, same old,” Dean muttered, leaning forward, “Trying to get better. I’ve been going to my counseling sessions, doing my classes, and working through the steps. Benny has been trying to keep me in line for the most part. What about you?”

Dean heard Benny chuckle from the other side of the gazebo, but the older male didn’t comment on what Dean had said before Sam shook his head, “You already know my routine by heart. Nothing about it has changed since you came here.”

“Did you turn in your paper that you were telling me about?” Dean asked.

Sam sighed, “Yes. I stayed up last night making sure that all my sources were cited properly. Jess almost had to drag me away from it just so I’d get some sleep and not look like shit when I came to visit you today.”

Dean chuckled lightly, imagining the blonde dragging Sam’s lanky ass around the apartment, telling him to get to bed before he woke up with dark circles under his eyes that’d worry the older brother. He looked up at Benny leaning over the railing, looking out at the sidewalk that led from one building to another before Dean spoke up, catching the older male’s attention, “Benny, did I tell you that my brother is going to be a lawyer?”

Benny turned around, stubbing out his cigarette before asking, “Really? So, if I have to call in a favor in a few years, will he handle my case pro bono for putting up with you?” A grin had spread across his cheeks as he shot Dean a wink.

Sam laughed lightly as Dean felt his face heat up at the subtle flirtation, and the older brother stared at the wooden planks of the deck before rubbing the back of his neck, “I don’t know, you’d have to talk to Sammy about that, but you and I both know that you’re going to stay out of trouble when you get out here right, Benny?”

Benny just laughed lightly, “I can’t make any promises, Dean, but I sure as hell will try.”

As the two picked back and forth with each other, Dean’s eyeline caught a dark haired figure behind Benny walking towards the office building. Dean rose to his feet, walking over to the railing before cupping his hands around his mouth and yelling out, “Cas!”

Castiel whipped his head around at the shout, meeting Dean’s eyes from where he stood before abandoning the path he was on entirely to walk towards the gazebo where the three of them were located. As he approached the stairs, taking careful steps onto the covered structure, a soft smile found his face before he said, “Hello, Dean,” before glancing at the other two males and giving them a nod.

“Sorry, if you were busy,” Dean quickly muttered before gesturing over to Sam, “I told you I wanted to introduce you to my brother when he came.”

“Ah, yes, I remember, Sam, right?” Castiel asked, glancing over at the tall man who was still sitting on the bench before he rose to his feet.

Sam approached Castiel, holding out his hand for a shake before saying, “Yeah, and you are?”

“Dr. Castiel Novak. I’m Dean’s counselor here. He’s told me a lot about you. It’s nice to finally meet the man that I’ve heard a few stories about,” Castiel said, shaking Sam’s hand with a tight grip before Sam gave a strange glance over at Dean that only lasted for a few moments. Dean was watching Castiel too closely though, thinking about the previous night on the walking trail to notice the look.

“It’s nice to meet you as well, Dr. Novak,” Sam said, voice slightly unsure as he saw the way Dean looked at the older male before biting his lip, “You’re the one who owns the facility, right?”

Castiel nodded his head before saying, “I do. My father was the one who started it and I took it over when he retired. I’m surprised that you knew though since Dean didn’t.”

Sam was flustered as he looked at Castiel, and Dean glanced between the two of them, furrowing his brow at the mention of his name, before the younger brother spoke, “I, uh, did a little bit of research after Dean checked in. I wanted to know more about the place; wanted to make sure that this was the best place for my brother even though it was the closest one to home.”

“That’s understandable,” Castiel mused, “If you happen to have any concerns, I’d be more than happy to address them.”

Sam just shook his head before saying, “No, I-I don’t have any concerns, but thank you though. Dean had mentioned you in our phone calls and it’s nice to put a face to a name finally.”

The two talked quietly for a few moments, Dean lost in his thoughts as he looked at the two of them, the worry in his stomach feeling like a bubble. He had been trying to hold his mask on as tightly as possible in front of his brother, but just looking at Castiel had caused it to slowly crack, showing his imperfections as he worried his ring through the chain around his neck once again. The only thing that pulled him out of his head was Benny’s hand being placed on his shoulder and he glanced over at the older man, not saying anything, but accepting what seemed to be a comforting gesture.

Castiel turned away from Sam after a long moment, looking over at Dean, his blue eyes feeling like they were staring into his soul. Castiel furrowed his brows for only a moment, looking like he was put off a bit by the way Dean was fiddling with his ring, before saying, “Thank you for introducing me to your brother, Dean. I’ll let you two get back to spending some time together since I have paperwork to finish in my office.”

Dean nodded his head as Benny’s hand still rested on his shoulder and Sam looked over at the exchange. Castiel gave him a nod in return before adding quietly, “Please feel free to stop by my office later if you need anything.”

Castiel’s words seemed as if there was something else woven into them that only Dean could recognize, but he shook it off quickly, muttering a small, “Thanks,” before Castiel took his leave without another word. Dean could feel the weight of his worries pressing down on his chest with a force once again and he rubbed at his face with his hands.

“How about we get out this cold, huh?” Benny said, glancing between the two brothers before stepping down the stairs of the gazebo, Dean and Sam following not too far behind.

As they made their way to the sidewalk, Dean glanced back to see Castiel looking at him as he opened the door to the office building, giving him a small wave before disappearing behind the door. Dean bit at the edge of his lip, reaching for his necklace, and quickly turned around to follow his brother and roommate to the opposite side of the sidewalk.

He had too much going on in his head.

—

For the rest of the visiting hours, Dean, Benny, and Sam hung out in the cafeteria. They spent their time talking about what was going on in the world currently, what Sam was doing in his classes, what Dean and Benny did when they weren’t working on their own recoveries, and just everything in general.

It was almost 4 o’clock when Dean punched Sam in the arm after he told an embarrassing story about them when they were kids, and as his eyes caught the large clock hanging on the wall, a bittersweet feeling crossed over him. He knew that Sam needed to leave soon to go back to the apartment. He knew that he and Benny would probably get dinner and watch tv until it was time to go to bed. He knew that he still had another few weeks at the facility before he was able to go home and not have to worry about when he’d talk to his brother next.

“It’s almost that time,” Benny muttered from across the table, glancing down at the watch on his wrist.

Dean chewed at his lip, twisting his ring between his fingers at the utterance, and Sam reached over to grab Dean’s wrist to get him to stop. Sam knew Dean used their mother’s wedding ring as a self soothing item, and his nervous fidgeting with it had been present for as long as Dean had been wearing it. Dean had never acknowledged that his younger brother knew, but he did.

Dean looked over at his brother’s brown eyes as they stared into him, saying a lot of things without even speaking before the three of them rose to their feet from the table. Benny stood off to the side as Dean pulled Sam into another tight hug, reminiscent of earlier in the day, and with enough force that the younger male felt like he couldn’t breathe.

“How about you bring Jess next week unless you don’t want me telling embarrassing stories about you to her?” Dean asked, pulling away from Sammy, but not taking his hands off of his brother’s arms.

“If she’s not busy, I’m sure she wouldn’t mind making the drive with me. I know that this probably isn’t the best way for the two of you to get to know each other, but we make do with what we have,” Sam muttered, looking down at his brother.

“Yeah,” Dean chuckled lightly, averting his gaze over to Benny for only a moment before returning to Sam, “I’ll let you head out before you get stuck in traffic trying to leave. Love you, bitch.”

“Love you too, jerk,” Sam said, taking one of his big hands to ruffle Dean’s hair, trying to get a smile out of him, but instead Dean only let the corners of his mouth twitch up as he began to feel overwhelmed again like he was a few days ago.

Dean wanted nothing more than to sneak out of the facility and into the Impala right now, but he knew that if he did that, then he’d be in a world of trouble with the law. Instead, he let his brother go, walking over to Benny before the three of them made their way out of the cafeteria and towards the lobby of the building. Dean hugged Sam one last time, not wanting his brother to leave him here, but ultimately, knowing he had to stay. Sam gave Dean a small wave goodbye before heading out of the building, and the younger male was left alone with Benny once again, the feelings inside of him heavy with homesickness, and worry.

“What do you want to do until dinner?” Benny asked, drawing Dean out of his thoughts for the third time today.

“I think I’m going to take Dr. Novak up on his offer earlier. I’ll see you at dinner?” Dean asked, glancing over at the older male who nodded his head.

“He should still be in his office. I know the man works ungodly hours from what I’ve seen and he’s not even my counselor,” Benny said and Dean nodded in response before the older male added, “I’ll save you a seat, and don’t think you’re getting my slice of pie at dinner after you didn’t tell me that you used to run around your front yard in just your boxers and a pair of cowboy boots as a kid.”

Dean shoved Benny’s arm before muttering, “Shut up,” and the two of them laughed.

Benny followed Dean until he made his way to the exit of the main building to head towards the offices. At that point, the two said their goodbyes, and the younger man stepped out into the cold air, walking towards Castiel’s office. He could hear the roar of the Impala’s engine starting from the parking lot, telling Dean that Sam hadn’t left just yet, and for a moment, he considered running across the grass towards the noise to make his escape once again, but shook it off.

Instead, with heavy footsteps, he found himself standing outside of Castiel’s office door before knocking lightly three times. It wasn’t long before the heavy wood door opened and revealed the blue eyed man, allowing Dean to enter without saying anything; it was almost as if Castiel had expected Dean to come after visiting hours were over.

“Hello, Dean,” Castiel said quietly as Dean stepped into the office, already making his way towards the couch so he could sit.

“Hi, Cas,” Dean muttered, throwing himself down onto the leather couch, listening to it groan under the sudden weight.

Castiel took a seat at the chair across from him, folding his hands in his lap before saying, “What brings you to my office this evening?”

“I…” Dean trailed off. He wasn’t sure why he was here. All he knew was he felt so overwhelmed that he wanted to drink, and just being near Castiel made that feeling go away. Castiel always knew what to say to make him feel like he didn’t need booze to survive, but he was his counselor so he was supposed to know what to say, right?

Dean played with his jewelry, not looking at the older man, trying to find his words once again, “I wanted to leave with Sam, but I know I’m not ready for that yet.”

“You’re homesick?” Castiel asked, glancing at the green eyed man for a long moment.

“Yeah, I guess you could say that,” Dean muttered, trying to play it off as if it wasn’t serious to even warrant the conversation. His heart was pounding in his chest at Castiel’s gaze and he pulled his hand away from his necklace before rubbing the side of his pinky finger with his other hand; he could still almost feel the warmth of Castiel’s hand touching his at the lake yesterday and looking at the older man made the reminder of it even stronger.

Castiel hummed softly, “Would you like to talk about it? You seemed to have a lot on your mind earlier when you introduced me to Sam.”

“I just…” Dean began, but his words faltered, dying in his throat. He was trying to find his words, but his thoughts seemed so loud that they were more important than speaking them aloud. He noticed that Castiel didn’t have his notebook or a pen sitting on the side table as per usual, and Dean had figured that this conversation would be jotted down later when he wasn’t here. Instead, he just shook his head, biting his lip before he forced them to leave his lips, “I know why I’m here. What I did to get to this point, but… Shit, how do I even say this?”

“Take your time,” Castiel said softly and Dean stood to his feet, beginning to pace, pulling his ring through the chain back and forth again.

“Since you know from experience, is it always going to feel like this?” Dean asked, stopping in his tracks as he tried to line up his thoughts in a row. He looked down at the older male who still sat in his seat, his hands folded in his lap.

“What do you mean?” Castiel asked, furrowing his brows, trying to make sense of what Dean had said. He could tell that the younger male was flustered over something, but couldn’t exactly place what.

“These feelings. Like, all I want to do right now is go home and have a beer. I want to forget about everything that’s going on in my head. I don’t want to be here, feeling these things, thinking these thoughts, and just trying to deal with everything sober. I was able to handle anything while I was drunk, but without any of it, I feel like a goddamn mess,” Dean said exasperated before returning to his pacing.

Castiel looked as if he was thinking for a long moment, watching the male walk back and forth like a metronome before saying, “It gets better with time and resources. A lot of it has to do with facing your past for the first time, the things that you’ve done, the things that were done to you. That’s why I asked you to find something to put your faith into when we spoke during your session the other day.”

“I did find something,” Dean muttered almost too quickly, stopping once again before looking over at the older male’s blue eyes.

Castiel blinked in surprise, before asking, “What is that thing?”

Dean chewed at his lip, rubbing the back of his neck as the same thought he had sitting by the lake crossed his mind once again. He looked away from Castiel, going back to pacing for a long moment before stopping once again to speak, “My mother told me when I was a child that they were angels always watching over me. Had my father not been who he was, we probably would have gone to church more often, but her saying that has always stuck with me.”

“So, what do you believe in, Dean?” Castiel asked.

Dean met Castiel’s eyes once again, trying to find his words, but he found himself stepping forward towards the older male instead. Every thought in his head was screaming to take a seat, ignore the feelings that were bubbling up in his racing heart, but his body had an idea of its own volition. He stopped in front of Castiel who peered up at him, his hands moving from his lap to the arms of the chair as he furrowed his brows.

“Dean?” Castiel asked, worry lacing his tone, but Dean was too far gone to hear the voice.

Instead, Dean moved.

Quickly, before Castiel could realize what was going on, Dean grabbed him by the chin, planting his lips on his in a sloppy kiss. Castiel’s stubble scraped against Dean’s skin as his movements were shaky, not as smooth as he remembered, just letting the hidden feelings he had rattling around in his head and chest out into the open. Castiel was tense underneath him, back ridgid pressed into the cushion, not really reciprocating, but at the same time, wrapping his arms around Dean’s neck, his fingers finding his hair. There was just the faintest touch of Castiel brushing his lips back that made Dean hungry for so much more before the realization of what was going on came washing over him.

In a flash, he pulled away, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and staring down at Castiel. The older man’s blue eyes were wide, mouth open and face entirely flushed a shade of crimson as he stared up at Dean. Dean backed away, almost falling over the coffee table in the middle of the floor, shaking.

“I-I-I,” The younger male stuttered before finally fumbling out, “I’m sorry. I-I don’t… I’m just gonna go.”

Dean walked out of the office as fast as his legs would carry him, down the hallways, out of the office building, pace so quick that he didn’t even hear Castiel call out for him, telling him to wait. Instead, he shoved his hands into his pockets, out in the chilly air and towards the main building of the facility, holding his hands up to his lips as if the warmth of Castiel’s had burned him in some way.

“Stupid. You’re stupid. What you did was stupid. What were you even thinking?” Dean muttered to no one, but himself, hands shaking.

God, he’d kill someone for a glass of whiskey right now.

Author’s Note:

Welcome back, lovely readers! I hope everyone has had a good week.

For once, I kept to my upload schedule as planned, and while I was a bit antsy to post a day early, I chose not to since I wanted to keep to schedule for once.

This chapter is week was a bit to deal with because I resonate with Dean and some of his feelings a bit especially when he talks about wearing a mask to hide who he truly is to protect his brother. I myself am an older sibling, and my sister and I had a rough childhood growing up in a sense. Our mom walked out when I was four, and I we were raised by our father who is probably the bravest man I'll ever know. While my dad didn't get me into watching Supernatural, he is the reason for my love of all things spooky, hence why I found Supernatural on my own when I was in high school. Being mentally ill as well, I feel as if I wear a mask sometimes around people that I know, to keep those people from seeing who I truly am, and hopefully I conveyed those emotions through Dean in this chapter and later in the story. As mentioned previously, this story is my therapy.

Also, let's talk about Benny for a moment. Benny in this story is probably Dean's best rehab friend, and just writing the interactions between the two of them makes me happy. Benny himself has a story of his own that will be revealed in bits and pieces. Though he doesn't have an older brother in canon, I needed to find a way to give him a bit of a support system, and there was that one episode in season 8 where he works at the restaurant with his great-granddaughter Elizabeth; in the rehab AU, Elizabeth is his niece because there's no Supernatural in the rehab AU. I just love the idea of Benny being the platonic flirty friend though.

The idea of where Dean, Sam, and Benny hang out during visiting hours is based off actual visits that I had when that person in my life was in rehab much like a lot of this AU is. While the facility they were at didn't have a gazebo for smokers, there was a little covered area that everyone hung out at. We also spent a lot of time in the cafeteria, and the trail. I've changed a few location things, but a lot of it has remained the same.

Finally, the ending of the chapter. While I didn't want to leave you guys on a cliffhanger for a week, I figured that the kiss was a good place to tie up the ends, and move on to the next chapter. I promise the occasional cliffhanger will be worth it for later on in the story though.

Next week, we get another appearance from Nurse Meg, Dean has another counseling session, and we get a further explanation of what Dean "believes" in.

I’ve also posted on my blog the inspiration behind the story. It’s a little bit ironic given the AU, but here’s the link if you’d like to read it here. Like I said in a previous note, I’m trying to be more active here, and with the massive amount of notes, references, and other files I have saved to my computer for this story alone, I’d really like to give you guys a look into the behind the scenes process for this story if you’re interested in that kind of thing.

With that being said, as always, I hope everyone has a lovely week and I'll see you again with chapter 6.

Until next time, stay lovely!

#Supernatural #Destiel #Supernatural Rehab AU #DeanCas #CasDean #dean winchester x castiel #castiel x dean winchester #Supernatural AU

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a-fictional-reality · 2 years

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The Inspiration Behind To Keep from Drowning

In celebration of 4/20, I might as well tell the story behind my Destiel story, aka the Supernatural Rehab AU.

I’ve been writing fanfiction for 10 years, I’ve recently realized, and while there is an occasional 1-2 year hiatus because my life is crazy busy, Destiel has probably been my oldest die hard ship that I had never written a piece of fanfic for.

A few months ago, while I was searching for a new job, I decided to rewatch Supernatural again. When it fell out of my rotation a few years ago, I had left off somewhere in the middle of season 13. I knew how it ended though because tumblr blew up with the confession scene, and then a couple episodes later with the finale. I didn’t have all the bits and pieces in-between though and to help fill the gaps, I thought I’d start from the beginning.

Upon my rewatch though, I realized a few things. One, I questioned why I had never written a Destiel fic despite loving the ship. Two, I am more Dean coded than I ever imagined, but I’ve always looked at him as a bisexual character (though it’s never shown). Three, I love the fandom so much, I needed to put something with my mark on it.

Before I started my rewatch as well, I started smoking weed, and discovering things that I didn’t realize happened when your state of mind is altered. One of them being is I see things incredibly detailed. Now again, I’ve been writing fanfiction for 10 years. During those years, I’ve kept detailed notes about plotlines, characters, references from their canon stories, diagrams of places and buildings since I do lean more towards AUs, but being able to picture them to the extend that I do when I’m high is nothing. When I smoke weed, I see everything vividly. I see the characters interacting, I see the rooms, even the teeny tiny decorations that most of the time don’t get mentioned. It’s like I’m living in the universe in which I pen.

While I don’t write while I’m inebriated, mainly for the reason of, I keep trying to make notations that sober me can understand (I can also barely form a coherent sentence), I do plan my chapters with detailed bullet points of scenes and details in a document. I save the writing for when I’m sober just to save me some time, but I find making lists soothing and what better way to make use of those lists than to turn them into a fanfic.

When I finished my rewatch, I started reading fanfics of all genres; AUs, canon-divergence, fix-its, etc, and it’s like these stories were coming to life. The more I read, also, the more I realized that they were sometimes fantastic, but there was always something that I would had added to give the story just a touch more. I don’t know if every writer is like that, but I am, and it’s not that I didn’t enjoy the fanfics that I read, they just needed something more.

I wanted to do something that you don’t see very often, but at the same time still contained popular tropes and plotlines that I thoroughly enjoy. As I’ve mentioned in author’s notes, I have someone close to me who went through rehab; they were actually admitted the day after my 19th birthday. While I won’t name the importance of that person in my life, I will say that I learned a lot about something I had no prior experience in being the age that I was. I had never seen a point in drugs and alcohol because they just always seemed like something you could get hooked to. Now that I’m coming up on 24, I smoke cigarettes, weed, and drink once every four odd months.

The rehab in which Dean stays at was heavily inspired by the one that the person I know stayed at. It will be brought up in a later chapter, but I’ve attended Alcoholic Anonymous meetings as a guest. I’ve seen someone struggle firsthand with addiction; I’ve seen them relapse, I’ve seen them recover. And while not everything in To Keep from Drowning isn't completely factual to the perspective of someone who has lived it, it does heavily reference the actual program of working the steps, going to counseling, and trying to figure out who you are without addiction.

I guess you can say a lot in my life inspired this story, and writing to me has always been a form of therapy; hence why this blog is called a fictional reality. I couldn’t control the life I was living when I was bipolar, full of anxiety, and on the edge of my teeth as a teenager, so I always found a world in which I controlled what happened to be my solace and saving grace.

So yeah, there’s some irony behind the AU, but I blame weed, and queerbaiting in what will probably be my favorite tv show for a long time.

#Supernatural Rehab AU #Mind of Kayla VI

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a-fictional-reality · 2 years

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To Keep from Drowning

Chapter 4

Read on Archive of Our Own

Chapter Warning: Mentions of attempted suicide

The next morning, Dean rolled out of bed with more of a spring in his step than usual. After spending a majority of the day yesterday with Benny, he was more than ready to move to his new room to talk to the older male. As he walked through the room, picking up items of clothing he had laying around to throw back into his unzipped duffle, he glanced back over at the bed to see the blue post-it note sitting on the bedside table where he had left it last night. Quickly, he walked over, picking it up before placing it carefully into an envelope that Sam had packed for him back home; an envelope that contained photographs of their parents, Bobby, and them as children - Sam thought it would have been a reminder of home while he was at the facility.

After getting dressed and making sure that his belongings were packed away for the very short move, there was a knock on the door and Dean opened it to see Meg looking at him. She had a clipboard pressed to her chest as her brown eyes stared into him for a long moment before she asked, “You’re up awfully early this morning. Are you ready to get moved over to your new room?”

Dean nodded his head, letting her in as she glanced around. She could see the duffle all packed up, even Dean had made the bed for the first time since his arrival, and she nodded her head before saying, “Okay. How about you grab your bag then and I’ll take you over there?”

Meg turned to head out the door, and Dean followed her instructions before walking behind her down the hall. She kept the clipboard close to her chest as she spoke, “So, I’m sure Dr. Novak already introduced you to your roommate since you two were playing cards together last night?”

“Yeah,” Dean muttered, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand, “He said something about how you were giving him updates on how I was doing while I was in detox. I assume you told him that I wasn’t really socializing with anyone else?”

“Most people don’t the first week they’re here,” Meg said, glancing over at the taller man, “But, Dr. Novak has taken quite a liking to you for some reason.”

With Meg’s tease, Dean’s face heated up to the tips of his ears and he reached for his ring, threading it through the chain with his finger before saying, “Uh, is that normal for Cas– I mean Dr. Novak?” Dean fumbled over whether or not to use Castiel’s name as he knew him as, or as his title that everyone else had referred to him in conversation.

A smirk spread across Meg’s lips as they walked through the commons area where patients were standing around a large coffee dispenser near the vending machine at the back of the room. She shook her head, so subtly that Dean assumed that she didn’t mean it before she responded, “Not usually. Dr. Novak doesn’t usually take on that many patients since he plays an important role in maintaining the facility.”

Dean’s face twisted up in confusion before he asked, “What do you mean?”

Dean didn’t know much about Castiel minus what had been said to him so far. He knew that Castiel had mentioned that he was in his office for most of the day, but Dean had assumed it was because he was seeing patients. Castiel had also mentioned that usually he played a bigger role when it came to admissions, which is why he hadn’t officially met Dean in his position until the second day he arrived.

“Why don’t you ask him when you see him? He always likes an opportunity to tell some of his story,” Meg said, the smirk not leaving her lips as she cast a knowing look over at Dean that sent a chill down his spine for some reason.

The rest of the short walk was subdued in silence before they approached a door and Meg knocked lightly. The two of them stood there for a long second before Dean saw the doorknob shift as someone opened it from the other side, and there stood Benny, a sleepy look in his eyes as he ran his hand through his beard.

“Is this my wake-up call?” He asked, voice raspy as he blinked between the two of them before settling his gaze on Dean.

“Benny, you’d think with being here for two weeks that you’d be adjusted to the schedule by now,” Meg said with a tut before the older man opened the door the rest of the way, allowing them to walk in.

Benny’s room was just a bit larger than the one that Dean stayed in while in detox. A lot of it was very similar with dim lighting and a bathroom tucked away in the corner, but there were also a few differences here and there. Unlike the detox room, this one had a window that probably looked out on the forest that lay behind the facility; Dean wasn’t able to tell currently since the blinds were shut tight. There were also a few more furniture pieces in the room including a small desk, a chair, and two queen beds, one of which was currently unkempt from where Benny had slept in it.

Dean dropped his duffle next to the bed that had still freshly starched sheets before taking a seat. Benny walked over to his own bed before throwing himself down, burying his face into the pillow before groaning, “I’m not going back to sleep. I’m just going to rest my eyes until it’s time for breakfast.”

Meg let out a small chuckle, glancing over at Benny before she walked over to Dean saying, “I’m sure Dr. Novak went over with you about this yesterday, but once you get yourself settled, go eat breakfast, and then report to his office to get your schedule. After that, you should have some time to make a phone call if you’d like.”

Dean nodded his head, not looking at her, thinking about the glance that he had given her earlier as she mentioned Castiel once again. Instead, he fiddled with his jewelry as always because there were too many thoughts running through his head all at once and no way to stop them.

Slowly, Meg walked away to head out of the room, not before grabbing Benny by the leg and shaking him ever so slightly - that way he didn’t fall back asleep - before he threw his head up, yelling something about her hands being cold. She laughed lightly, looking over at Dean who was still facing away from her, his hand moving back and forth as he pulled the ring through the chain repeatedly.

To be honest, though Dean had expected some changes during his time here, he didn’t think that it’d be so damn overwhelming. Without alcohol to depend on, he felt like he was feeling too many things at once, thinking too many things at once; as if he had been depending on alcohol for so long that he didn’t know how to be normal without it. Dean didn’t hear Meg leave the room, but he did finally look up when Benny climbed off of his bed before shuffling off to the bathroom, his steps heavy.

“Give me about fifteen minutes to take a shower and get ready, and we’ll head down to the cafeteria. I hear they’re serving pancakes today,” Benny said, looking over at the younger male before giving him a wink.

“Yeah, that’s fine,” Dean muttered, finally folding his hands in his lap so he didn’t scratch up his mother’s wedding ring any worse than he already had. Benny walked away without another word, heading off to the bathroom as Dean was left alone with his thoughts.

It didn’t take him long to stand to his feet, opening up the blinds that covered the window, letting the early morning sunlight in. He stared out at the fog that encased the forest, thinking about how chilly the air probably was outside before trying to crush the feelings that were trying to bubble up inside him like a pot boiling over.

—

After a stack of fluffy pancakes, two eggs done sunny side up, and bacon - oh so glorious bacon - Dean and Benny went their separate ways once they reached the smoker’s gazebo. Benny had been itching for a cigarette since Meg had woken him up, and Dean had to go see Castiel to get his schedule for his classes. Dean had his hands shoved in his jacket pockets as he walked down the sidewalk, the gazebo and his roommate just out of view behind him as he began to head towards the building where Castiel’s office lay.

As he entered the building, Dean appreciated the rush of warm air that greeted him compared to what it was like outside. Dean had never been one that enjoyed the cold, hence why he wore so many layers, and he knew that once he left the facility, at least he’d be able to revel in the warmth of what was left of autumn just for a little while longer before the winter became chilly. Dean walked through the halls of the office building, the area rather quiet compared to what he had seen in the past, but then again, it was still rather early in the day; counselors were still showing up for work and Dean wouldn’t have been surprised if the only reason why Castiel was here so early was because of his appointment with the younger man.

Dean knocked lightly on Castiel’s office door before the older man greeted him, a smile on his face before welcoming him with a low rumble of, “Hello, Dean.”

The younger male stepped into the room without a word, Castiel shutting the door behind him before he glanced around. Dean could see a messenger bag sitting against the edge of Castiel’s desk, which was strangely barren compared to what he usually saw before he turned around and asked, “I’m not too early am I? I went down to the cafeteria and ate breakfast before reporting here like you asked.”

Castiel furrowed his eyebrows, staring at Dean in confusion for a moment before saying, “No, you’re not too early. I was just getting ready for the day and didn't have time to unpack my bag yet. Are you okay? Would you like to take a seat and talk to me for a moment?” Concern laced Castiel’s tone as Dean shifted uncomfortably under the older male’s gaze as he tried to brush it off.

“Yeah,” Dean muttered, walking over to the couch before Castiel walked over to his desk, pulling out the notebook that he had seen previously before fumbling on his desk for a pen. He walked over to the chair that sat across from the couch, taking a seat before sitting the two items on the side table.

Castiel watched Dean carefully as hooked his finger in his ring, pulling it back and forth across his chest as he glanced down before saying, “What’s on your mind, Dean?”

There were a lot of things on Dean’s mind currently. Dean wanted to drink more than ever for the first time since his accident; even more than he wanted to drink when he was seeing visions of his father while going through detox. At the same time, he couldn’t get the thought of how kind Castiel had been to him the past few days. In Dean’s eyes, he was merely a stranger and Castiel probably treated every patient that he took on like this, but to Dean, it made a part of him feel special. He thought of the blue post-it he had carefully tucked away this morning, the way Castiel had been patient and welcoming despite all his problems. He thought of how Meg had given him the glance like she knew that Dean was very attracted to Castiel, but Dean was too afraid to admit it; hell, Castiel probably was married with three kids sitting at home.

“I’m just feeling overwhelmed today,” Dean said softly, honestly, not meeting Castiel’s blue eyes that felt like they were burning into his soul.

“Was Benny not a good choice for a roommate? Would you prefer to have a different assignment?” Castiel asked, twisting his pen around in his hands as he mirrored Dean’s movements when it came to pulling at his necklace.

“No, it’s not Benny. Benny is perfectly fine; we were having a great time yesterday. I just…” Dean began his sentence before it trailed off abruptly. He stopped his movements, meeting Castiel’s eyes before continuing, “I want a drink really bad right now.”

Castiel hummed, glancing away as if he was taking Dean’s words into consideration for a long moment before responding, “What makes you want to drink?”

Dean didn’t look at the older male immediately, he went back to pulling at the piece of gold, watching Castiel flip the pen over and over in his hands. He took a deep breath, swallowing as if he needed to force the air down before licking his lips and saying, “Every thought in my head is currently too loud. I mean, I know we talked about my crappy childhood yesterday, but it all goes back to that; the reason I am this way is because of my childhood. I used alcohol to numb all of those feelings, make myself emotionless when it came to my past, and now that I’m not able to do any of that… all of it keeps playing over and over in my head again as if it hadn’t happened years ago. The longer I go without a drink, the louder it all gets, and it’s excruciating.”

Castiel stopped flipping the pen before his expression softened for only a moment, asking, “And what will happen if you have that drink? Will it all just go away?”

The younger man shook his head, “No, it won’t. I keep following my father’s footsteps, and I keep getting into more hot water than I’m already in.” He looked away from Castiel, his feet staring at the rug on the floor.

The two sat in silence for what felt like minutes rather than seconds. The air was still, the only sound the two of them breathing as both had stopped fidgeting in their spots before Castiel’s voice broke the silence between them, “What if I told you my story? It’s only fair since you told me yours.”

Dean looked up, meeting Castiel’s eyes in confusion. The younger man hadn’t realized that the doctor had his own story to tell, but then again, he also hadn’t expected Meg to be someone who had struggled with alcoholism herself in the past until she had brought it up while he was in detox.

“Do you have the time to? I mean, I know it’s early, but–” Dean began, but Castiel cut him off.

“You’re the only patient I’m counseling currently. I know I mentioned to you before that I spend a lot of time in my office, but that’s because I run the facility. The only things I had on my schedule for today was this appointment and a couple of admission tours this afternoon. Other than that, I have paperwork, some of which is your treatment plan,” the older man said and Dean’s eyes widened at the statement.

“Y-You own the place?” Dean stuttered, astonished. Nothing about the name of the facility had led Dean to believe that Castiel played a bigger role at the place than being a counselor. Instead, he was the boss of everything that went on here.

“Technically, yes,” Castiel said after a thought, “Now, would you like for me to share my story with you? Would that help you with all the things you’re feeling right now?”

Dean didn’t verbally respond, instead, he just nodded his head before watching Castiel sigh, folding his hands in his lap. The older man sunk further down in the chair as if he was lost in thought before letting out another longer, drawn out sigh.

“I wasn’t the person that you see today 10 years ago, but if you want to hear the entire story, I might as well start from the beginning. Before I was born, my father started this facility. He saw it as a heaven of sorts for those worse for wear; people at their lowest point in their addictions. He wanted them to come here for help, and many did; it’s how we kept food on the table when I was a child. My father always referred to his work as helping people, doing the right thing, but when I was young, I didn’t know what exactly he did. I knew, like me, he was a doctor, and he worked long hours, but I had never stepped foot here until I was a teenager,” Castiel spoke, not looking directly at Dean as he told his story. Instead, he focused his attention mainly on his hands, rubbing at his palms.

“When I was seventeen, I was in a very bad accident. I was a teenager, doing stupid things, and I got hurt really bad because of it. Basically, I was hospitalized for a few weeks, broke my back, and almost thought I was going to be paralyzed for the rest of my life, but the pain that I had was a constant reminder that I wasn’t. Because of the nature of the injury and the amount of pain I was in, the medical team that was in charge of my care made sure that I was on a pretty steady stream of painkillers,” Castiel’s voice slowly died in his throat as the spoke the last sentence, the final word was almost a whisper that Dean had to lean forward to hear.

“After I healed up though, the pain didn’t really let up, or at least that’s what I told my doctors. While I still had some days where it flared up because of how intense it was, I didn’t really need the medication that they were prescribing me. Instead, I just took them because I liked how they made me feel; how it made me think I was on top of the world and that, like you, the noise that was going on my head wasn’t so loud. When I was in my early twenties, after I received my Bachelor’s degree, is when I hit rock bottom.”

Castiel was quiet for a long moment, shutting his eyes and sighing once again as if this story was harder to tell than Dean had thought. Dean stared at Castiel for a long moment before speaking up, Castiel’s eyes opening to meet his as he spoke, “Cas, you don’t have to keep going if you don’t want to.”

Castiel tilted his head over so slightly to the side at the shortened version of his first name, a move Dean found rather endearing before brushing it off, “No, it’s only fair for me to tell my story.”

Dean just shrugged his shoulders, turning his attention back to the older male as he continued to speak, “At the time, I was living at some small apartment off campus with my then-fiance. She came home one day to find me sitting on the floor of our bathroom, half a bottle of pills scattered on the floor as I was lost in some haze of colors and strange shapes that I saw on a blank porcelain wall. Hannah, she gave me an ultimatum then and there; either I see someone and get some help, or she was going to leave me. Before that point, she had turned a blind eye when she thought I had taken too many of my pain meds, and didn’t even make a comment when I had spent the previous Christmas at her parents strung out of my mind to the point that she had to make excuses for me. I had put her through hell, but at that point, I didn’t care.”

Castiel swallowed as he finished his sentence, rubbing his left ring finger as if he was thinking about something that wasn’t there; what could have been. Dean didn’t respond, just allowing Castiel a moment of silence before the older male continued, “I chose not to seek help immediately and because of that, I paid the price. Hannah left me alone in that bathroom that day, her engagement ring, my mother’s engagement ring, sitting on the sink. After that, I went on a bender of sorts. Took anything I could, buying it off the street instead of trying to talk my doctor into another prescription because I couldn’t even justify it based on how minimal the pain was. Then one night, I took everything that I had, and expected not to wake up.”

“You tried to commit suicide?” Dean asked, his voice cracking mid-sentence.

“Yes,” Castiel said, voice unwavering, “Despite the fact that I knew there was a way out of this, that I had seen the facility that my father ran at this point, I didn’t think there was another way out. When I woke up the next day though, vomiting, sweating, feeling like I was in more pain than I ever had experienced during my accident, I realized at what point I was at. A few days later, instead of going to buy myself another round to cope with the pain and thoughts, I chose to go to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting. Since that night, I’ve been sober for nine years. I took over the facility when I was your age when my father retired, and though my father had never experienced addiction firsthand himself, I took my experience and applied it to the ways in which I run the rehab. My father served mainly as a doctor here, doing mostly administration work behind the scenes, while I on the other hand, chose to take on being a counselor on top of running everything as smoothly as I possibly can.”

“Did you ever see Hannah again?” Dean asked, the question coming out of his mouth without much of a thought. He felt his face heat up, realizing what he had just said before Castiel just chuckled lightly, appreciative of the break of tension behind the tale.

“I later made my amends with her like everyone in recovery does. By the time I had gotten to that point though, she had long moved on, but I had never expected her to welcome me back with open arms because of how I had treated her. I’ve chosen to devote my life to my work instead,” Castiel said, looking as if he was reminiscing about something, but Dean chose to not press it further.

“T-Thank you for sharing your story with me,” Dean mumbled with a small stutter and a soft smile found Castiel’s expression. It was almost as if he was beaming at Dean before the younger male continued, “Also, thank you for the pie and the note. I really appreciated that.”

The grin instead spread further across Castiel’s face, his cheeks holding a hint of a blush, before he muttered, “It’s not that often I take on patients of my own anymore and I wanted it to be a gift to show that I appreciate your honesty with me. I know from firsthand experience that going through recovery is a rough process, and I find that it’s always helpful to find someone that you trust and feel welcome around in order to get through it.”

Dean’s gaze dropped after Castiel finished speaking. Again, the thought of if he had met Castiel under different circumstances crossed his mind, but he quickly shook it away before slapping his palms flat against his thighs, asking, “So, what did you want to talk me with me about today besides my schedule?”

Castiel stood to his feet, walking over to the messenger bag that had been abandoned by his desk before rifling through it and pulling out a few pieces of paper before handing them over to Dean. The younger man looked over the words, seeing a block schedule on the very first page that showed times, classes, and various other discussions that he was expected to attend for the next few weeks. He flipped through the other pages to see further information about the program he needed to follow, as well as other information that would help him cope further with his recovery.

“Consider this an orientation of sorts. Tomorrow morning is your first class that goes over the twelve step program that we discussed before. Starting today though, you’ll be implementing the second step into your life before you move on to the third,” Castiel said, taking his seat once again.

“And what is the second step exactly?” Dean asked, raising an eyebrow with his question.

“Do you believe in a higher being, Dean?” Castiel asked, running his fingers along a necklace chain that Dean hadn’t noticed before. He watched carefully before the older male pulled it out from where he had it tucked inside his shirt before seeing a small silver cross dangling from the chain.

“Like God?” Dean asked, a small frown finding his lips. Honestly, Dean had never had much faith in his life. Yeah, Bobby would sometimes drag him and Sam to church on Sundays on occasions, and his mother had claimed that they had angels watching over them, but without any factual proof, Dean didn’t find a reason to believe.

Castiel nodded his head slowly, “God is a popular higher power that people choose during their program. We’re not specifically faith-based here like some other facilities are, but we do like for patients to believe in something to help aid them along with their journey.”

Dean swallowed, rubbing the back of his neck, “Honestly, I don’t believe in much. I’ve been to church, I understand the workings of Christianity, how God created all of us, and there’s angels and shit, but I just didn’t want to throw all of my eggs into the same basket, you know?”

The older male’s lips tilted towards a frown before he shook it away, “The point I’m getting at is in the first step, you admitted that you were powerless over your addiction. The second step is having something you can believe in so that you can move to using that being to aid you in the third step. It doesn’t have to be God specifically since there are various religions to choose from; there was someone who came through here once that put their faith in the flying spaghetti monster of all things. That being said, I want you to spend the next few days trying to find that thing you believe in, something that you trust yourself to surrender to.”

Castiel’s eyes watched Dean carefully as the younger man began to fidget, reaching for his necklace to play with the ring again before muttering, “I’ve never had much to believe in.”

“And that’s perfectly okay. Everyone who comes through this facility has led different walks of life, different paths of addiction, and most of all, have different stories. We’re only human so it’s important that we all follow a similar set of guidelines since they’ve been proven to help people stay sober. That’s our end goal here, sobriety,” Castiel said, catching himself mimicking Dean once again as he pulled the silver cross through the chain.

Dean swallowed a lump that was forming in his throat as he watched the older man quickly pull his hand away before clearing his throat and saying in a raspy voice, “Okay, I’ll work on it.”

“Good,” Castiel said with a smile, and just the glow of it alone made Dean’s face hot, “I’ll give you a few days to think about it and when you’re ready, we’ll discuss it further if you’d like.”

The younger man nodded his head and the two sat in silence for a long moment before Dean stood to his feet, asking, “So, are we done here for today? I’d really like to call my brother and let him know how I’m doing. I’m sure he’s sitting on the edge of his seat since he knows that I’ve been here for seven days, and he’s probably expecting the call.”

Castiel nodded his head, standing up as well. Dean held on tightly to the papers that Castiel had given him before walking over to the door, the older man following behind him. Dean watched as Castiel opened the door, allowing him to step out before saying, “It was nice talking to you this morning, and feel free to stop by if you’re ever feeling overwhelmed again.”

Dean looked at Castiel’s blue eyes, his heart racing in his chest for just a moment before he said with a hoarse laugh, “Yeah. Thanks for letting me talk to you, Cas.” The nickname he had given his counselor floating off his lips for a second time since he tried it out. He watched as Castiel grinned again at the sound of it and for a second, Dean thought about leaning in and kissing him on the cheek, but stopped himself from following through with the action.

“You’re very welcome, Dean,” Castiel responded, the words soft.

Quickly, Dean turned on his heel to walk away from the office, but took notice of the fact that Castiel waited until he went to turn out of the hall before shutting the heavy wooden door behind him to return back to his work.

—

Dean leaned over into the little cubby that was as much privacy as he’d possibly get, holding an old phone connected to the wall up to his ear. There was a droning sound of ringing on the other side of the line as he waited for his brother to pick up the phone and for a second, Dean thought he was going to be sent to Sam’s voicemail before he heard a click of someone answering the call.

“Hello?” Sam’s voice rang out and Dean could almost sob; he was so happy to hear his brother’s voice.

“Heya, Sammy,” Dean said, a smile cracking across his face with his words. It felt like it’d been forever since he’d last spoken to his brother, even though he knew that it’d only been a week.

“Dean? Is that you?” Sam asked, a laugh in his tone from his excitement.

“Yeah, Sam. It’s me. Does it feel like I’ve been gone for a week? Did you miss me?” Dean asked, his questions sounding rushed as he spoke. He knew he only had a limited amount of time for the phone call, but he felt like he had so much to tell his brother about.

“I’ve begun to notice that the apartment has been a lot neater since it’s just me staying here,” Sam teased and Dean shook his head, knowing that his brother wouldn’t see the action, “How have things been? Have you made any new friends in rehab?”

“Things have been good. I’ve met quite a few nice people here, and I’ve kinda made friends with a few of them. I’m not going to lie, the first week was rough going through detox, being sick, seeing–” Dean stopped himself in his tracks. He didn’t want to tell his brother about the hallucination of his father, but at the same time, he was just talking about the experience with the one person who knew him the best without thinking his words through.

“Dean? You still there? I think we had a bad connection for a second?” Sam asked, and Dean cleared his throat, thankful that his brother didn’t catch what exactly he was going to say; that or he was choosing to ignore it for Dean’s sake.

“Yeah, I’m still here. Detox was hell though; that’s all I have to say about it. So, less about me, what have you been doing since I’ve been gone? Did you invite that pretty girl over that I told you to?” Dean asked, trying to change the subject entirely. Even though his brother probably wanted to know about all the happenings of the facility, Dean would rather ignore them just for a second for a sense of normalcy.

“Uh yeah, I did,” Sam said, and Dean could detect a note of embarrassment in his voice, “She’s been staying at the apartment with me for a few nights, making sure I eat dinner, washing the clothes on occasions. I know Jess and I haven’t been dating long, but I think she might be the one, man. She’s been really nice and not judgmental about the whole thing.”

“Well, don’t propose to her until I’m back at least,” Dean chuckled and he heard Sam sigh.

“Don’t worry. There’s no proposals planned just yet. I want us to be together for at least a year before anything like that happens. That and I need to finish college, and law school, and probably have a decent job, and my own place rather than crashing at our apartment,” Sam rambled on and Dean found comfort in it for probably the first time in his life. Despite everything that had been going on at the facility for the past week, Dean felt as if this was the first time he actually felt like himself.

Dean was quiet for a long moment, lost in his thoughts as he twisted his ring between his fingers before he said, “So, Saturday, are you going to come down and visit me?”

“I’m planning on it,” Sam began, “I just need to finish this paper for school in the next couple of days and then I’ll have everything lined up to make the trip down there. What time are visiting hours from?”

Dean glanced down at fingers for a moment, trying to remember the time he had discussed with Meg earlier in the day before saying, “I think it’s from 12 to 4, but I’ll find out for sure by tomorrow when I call you. I’ll be sure to introduce you to everyone when you get down here as well. I have a really cool roommate named Benny, and he’s terrible at poker, but he's wonderful with thought provoking conversation, and I know you like that kind of shit.”

Sam laughed lightly before saying, “Okay. I’ll make sure I’m prepared to meet a whole lot of strangers that you’ve become friends with. Oh, also, speaking of friends, Garth and Jody told me to give you their hellos. The garage is doing great, just so you know; everything has been running smoothly.”

“How’s my baby?” Dean asked, thinking of the car that he hoped and prayed that his brother had been taking precious care of.

“Good. Been running fine with no issues since it came off the lift. Jess really likes the car just so you know. She hadn’t seen it until she came by the apartment the other day,” Sam said and Dean grinned so wide that his face almost hurt.

“I’m telling you now, you better marry her,” Dean said enthusiastically to his brother and he could hear Sam sigh again from the other side of the line.

Dean glanced behind him to see Benny in the commons area, waiting for Dean to be done with his call before the younger man gave him a small thumbs up. Dean knew that he probably needed to draw his call to a close so the two of them could go hang out by the gazebo until it was time for their next block of the day.

“Look, it’s probably time for me to get off of here. You’ve still got classes tomorrow, right? I want to make sure that I don’t call you in the middle of them. If my baby brother is going to be a lawyer one day, I want to make sure that he’s focusing all his attention on his education,” Dean said, not wanting to put the phone down anytime soon, but knowing that it’d probably be for the best before their conversation carried on for too long.

“Yeah, I’ve got my paper, and you’ve got rehab stuff to do probably,” Sam muttered, not sounding like he was done with the conversation, but understanding.

“I do, but I’ll call you tomorrow after class. Tell everyone I said hi, and tell Jody specifically that I don’t plan to flake out on the agreement she made to keep me out of jail. Love you, Sammy,” Dean said, tightening his grip on his necklace.

“Love you too, Dean. Talk to you tomorrow,” Sam’s voice said quietly as they said their final goodbyes, and Dean hung up the phone on the wall with a click.

During the call, everything around him had almost gone silent, but now that it was over, the sounds around him returned with a steady pace. Dean slid out of the chair away from the cubby, walking over to where Benny stood before the taller man clapped him on the back, leading him towards the exit while making an offhand comment about meeting Sam.

—

At dinner the next night, Dean found Castiel sitting at a table off to the side by himself with a book in front of him. His meal looked half touched as Dean walked over, taking a seat at the other side of the table before a set of blue eyes met his. Castiel folded his book up, sitting it off to the side before looking at his food in front of him and acknowledging the younger male with his usual, “Hello, Dean. Is everything okay?”

“Yeah,” Dean said, grabbing his utensils before digging into the food that was in front of him. Luckily, the cafeteria staff had taken his words into mind and every time pie was offered, there was always a slice for him. As he took a bite of the food, he continued, “I just saw you by yourself, and Benny had some stuff to take care of so I thought I’d sit here. Do you want me to go sit somewhere else?”

Castiel shook his head, “No, I’m fine with you sitting with me. I always appreciate the company.”

The two didn’t exchange many words after that, just focusing their attention on their food. Castiel glanced over at the pie that was sitting off to the side of Dean’s tray every now and again, taking notice that Dean hadn’t touched his vegetables, opting to ignore them for the rest of the tray. After Castiel finished eating, he skimmed through his book.

It wasn’t until Dean had already scarfed down half of his pie before Castiel shut his book with a small thud, causing the younger male to look up. Blue eyes stared into green intently before Castiel said softly, “After you finish your dinner, would you like to take a walk with me?”

Dean was a little taken aback by the question, choking on the large bite of pie that was currently in his mouth before forcing it down. His face was red up to the tips of his ears before he responded with, “Sure, that’s fine with me,” trying to be as smooth as he could possibly muster.

A small smile hinted at Castiel’s face before he went back to his book, waiting for Dean to finish his meal. Once the rest of the pie was cleared, Dean stood his feet, holding his hand out for Castiel’s tray before the older male gave it to him. Dean threw away the peas that remained on his plate before giving the trays over to the cafeteria staff and returning back to the table to find Castiel standing to his feet, pulling on his trenchcoat, and grabbing his things.

The two walked quietly through the facility, heading towards the building where Castiel’s office resided before the older male stopped near the gazebo saying, “If you want to wait here, I’m going to take my stuff to my office really quick. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

“Okay,” Dean said, shoving his hands into his pockets as he watched Castiel walk off towards the building. The younger male fidgeted in his spot as he stood there, a small sense of excitement blowing through him as he thought that it was nice that Castiel asked him to go on a walk.

He glanced over at the gazebo, the tall structure bathed in an array of colors as the sun had began to set, looking out on the forest that lay behind it. There were a few smokers that Dean didn’t recognize leaning on the railings with their cigarettes, talking about their days, but Dean was too lost in his thoughts to introduce himself and try to occupy his time. Instead, he watched the sky, birds flying past to tuck themselves into bed for the night, thinking about how his heart felt like it was racing in his chest.

When Castiel returned a few minutes later, the two of them followed the sidewalk until it met a gravel pathway behind the facility and led off into the woods. Slowly, the two walked down the trail, talking quietly about their days.

“How did the call with your brother go yesterday?” Castiel asked Dean, looking over at him. Dean was trying not to focus on the fact that they were standing fairly close to each other, their hands brushing just barely as they walked down the trail.

“It went well. It was nice to hear Sam’s voice, and it felt like I was back home for a few minutes. He’s coming to see me tomorrow,” Dean said, a smile on his face just thinking about his brother.

“That’s good,” Castiel mused, looking out at the trail in front of them. The trees had cast shadows over the pathway making it seem a lot darker than it actually was, but still allowing enough of the depleting sunshine to come through so they weren’t bathed in total darkness.

Dean thought for a second about how this seemed almost romantic, but quickly shook it away before saying, “Do you want to meet him tomorrow? I mean, that is if you’re around.”

Castiel seemed a little surprised by Dean’s question before nodding his head, “I’d like that. I’ve always enjoyed meeting patient’s families honestly. It kind of gives a sense of what kind of background that person came from; especially siblings.”

Dean wanted to question what Castiel meant by that statement, but instead chose to say, “Yeah, between Sam and I, you can really tell how much four years really makes. It’s funny, even though I’m the older brother, Sam’s a hell of a lot taller than I am; people usually think he’s the older one. If you don’t mind me asking, do you have any siblings?”

The older man looked lost in thought for a moment as if he was trying to imagine Sam before meeting him, shaking his head, “No, I’m an only child. My mother passed when I was young and my father never remarried. It was just the two of us when I was growing up. We did have a live-in nanny who cared for me though if he had to spend long hours at the office. That reminds me, I need to call her and see how she's doing…” He trailed off with his words as if lost in thought as they approached a small clearing as they neared the middle of the trail.

Dean stared in amazement as he looked out, seeing the sunset perfectly from where there weren’t any trees, the only thing you could see was a lake that stretched out for a good distance, surrounded by tree covered hills. Castiel took a seat at a bench that looked out to where the water was lapping along the shoreline before gesturing for Dean to sit down next to him.

“Do you like nature, Dean?” Castiel asked.

Dean shrugged his shoulders, sitting down next to Castiel before muttering, “The most I got out of nature was playing outside a lot when I was a child. We went camping a few times when I was older, but that was only a few miles outside of town; we never really went too far from home.”

Castiel hummed, “I’ve always liked to garden. There’s something about plants that just makes me happy. I don’t have much time for it though so I come out here sometimes to think. It’s a very relaxing spot and I’m glad my father chose this location to build the facility.”

The younger man reached for the necklace that hung around his neck, twisting it between his fingers for a moment as he felt his heart thud in his chest. He was so focused on the thoughts rushing in his head that he hadn’t even realized that he laid his other hand flat against the wood of the bench, his pinky brushing over Castiel’s. His face reddened as he glanced over at the older man, thinking about pulling it away, but leaving it there instead to take in the warmth of just the slightest touch. Neither said anything about it, and Dean could feel Castiel’s eyes watching him for a long moment before looking out at the sunset once again. Castiel looked as if he was illuminated by the sinking sun on his skin and it reminded Dean of something his mother used to say.

The two of them stayed that way until long after the sun had set, not saying a word to each other, just appreciating each other’s company in the darkness; listening to water lapping against the shoreline, Dean’s heart hammering behind his ribcage because all he could think about was the feelings that were slowly growing for his counselor.

It was then that he realized that he did believe in something.

Author’s Note:

Welcome back, lovelies! I hope you all have had a wonderful week!

So, I've been debating back and forth on the upload schedule of this story since I've already got quite a buffer built up in my files. So far, I've written up to chapter 8, and I have fifteen planned chapters, as well as a couple of side stories for the AU outlined. I've finally decided that since it seems that I'm always working on Fridays; I'm going to start updating on Thursdays instead. That being said, I may deviate from the schedule just a hair more since I've got the buffer, and my work schedule is always changing.

As for this week's chapter, I've thrown a few things into it that I felt were important to the story. First off, is Castiel's backstory. When it came to the idea of whether or not to give him an addiction, I was honestly on the fence. Instead, I decided to just kind of go with it though in reference to the original idea when I was planning this story of Castiel also being a patient at the facility; it's just another one of the subtle nods as I mentioned in the second chapter.

Second thing is the second step. As I also mentioned before, I'll be explaining each step Dean goes through in the story as it comes up in chapters. Step two explained on the website I used for research states, "Faith: Before a higher power can begin to operate, you must first believe that it can. Someone with an addiction accepts that there is a higher power to help them heal." Basically, this step is having something to believe in that you can hand off your helplessness over your addiction to. Like mentioned in the chapter, it also ties in to the third step.

Third and final thing that I'll talk about in depth today is the sunset trail scene. While it's our boys being cute with each other, there is actually a bit of story behind why I added this into my fic; it's a call back to why I know so much about the process of rehabilitation and recovery. As I talked about in my first chapter's author's note, I had someone close to me go through rehab, and while it was a small little place in the woods, there was a walking trail for patients behind the facility. When I went down there for visitation, and I did four days of the facility's "family program" which was to teach family members about addiction, this person and I spent a lot of our free time between classes and after meals taking walks on the trail. While the one from my memory didn't have a lake behind it, there was a lot of dense forest. The lake was added because I've always thought sunsets look better over water, but that's just a matter of opinion.

Next week's chapter covers Sam's visit, some of Benny's own story, and a surprise that you won't want to miss.

Before I close out this author's note, I also wanted to thank everyone again for the support. It truly does mean a lot to me. When I started writing this again, I did not think it was going to come to the full fruition that is currently taking place behind the scenes as I write, and just seeing people subscribing and comments truly means the world. Without you guys out there supporting me, I don't know how I'd feel about writing this story, as it truly comes from a place deep down in my heart of personal experiences, and characters that I'm passionate about.

I hope everyone has a lovely week, and I shall see you next Thursday with the next chapter.

Until next time, stay lovely!

#Supernatural #Supernatural Fanfic #Supernatural Rehab AU #Rehab AU #spn #Destiel #DeanCas #CasDean #Dean Winchester x Castiel #Castiel x Dean Winchester #Supernatural AU

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a-fictional-reality · 2 years

Text

To Keep from Drowning

Chapter 3

Read on Archive of Our Own

Chapter Warnings: Homophobia, gay slurs, implied abuse

For the next two days, Dean does one of three things; sleep, puke, or argue with the hallucination he was having of his father standing in the corner of his room. After seeing the image of the deceased man near the gazebo the other day, his father had been popping up periodically to give the younger male a not-so-friendly reminder that if he didn’t choose sobriety, this is what he risked becoming. Currently, Dean laid flat on his back, staring up at the ceiling, and trying to ignore the taller, mocking male standing on the other side of the room.

Dean hadn’t left the space in two days, and it wasn’t like it was by choice; detox wasn’t a joke. After relying on an alcohol dependency since he was the age he could easily access Bobby’s liquor cabinet without getting caught, trying to get through it without a drink was so much harder than anything else he’s ever been through in his life.

“Hey, Dean, why don’t we just leave? You want me to go away, don’t you? Why don’t you and I find the nearest bar and you can drink to your heart’s content until I go back to being some sort of distant memory?” His father said, drinking out of the fictitious bottle of beer that was in his hands.

Dean rolled over to face the wall so he didn’t have to look at the other man, putting the pillow over his head to drown out the words that he knew were never spoken aloud. When the hallucinations started after the gazebo, the only person he had spoken to was Meg. She said they were normal and would clear up by the end of the week, but Dean wasn’t sure if he could take much more of this. Instead, Meg was giving him a few mild sedatives just so he could sleep until it was over, but every moment he was awake, either to eat, throw up, or even just use the bathroom, his father was there taunting him.

Pulling the ring across the chain of his necklace, John spoke again, “What? You think ignoring me is going to make me go away or are you just too pussy to say anything? Are you afraid that you’re a disappointment to me? Afraid that I’m going to say something about the life that you’ve led following in my footsteps? I hate to break it to you, boy, but the only difference between you and I is the fact that I never let a man fuck me in the ass.”

Dean groaned, pulling the pillow tighter around his head before he heard a very faint knock come from the other side of his room’s door.

“Come in,” Dean grumbled, almost quietly enough for the other person not to hear before the door slowly opened.

“How are we feeling today?” Meg asked, stepping into the room and closing the door behind her. Dean didn’t roll over as she spoke because he knew John was still standing there; he didn’t want to face his father.

“Same as yesterday,” Dean groaned from underneath the pillow, “My head hurts, my hands won’t stop shaking, my stomach is in knots, and I’m still seeing people who are dead.”

“Person. Not people. And, I told you how to get rid of me,” John corrected him, but Dean made a choice not to respond to the hallucination.

Meg stepped further into the room, standing at the edge of Dean’s bed before she placed a hand on his shoulder. Dean pulled the pillow away from his head, only rolling over slightly to look at her before he found a frown spread across her lips. She pulled her hand away, crossing her arms across her chest before asking, “Do you want another sedative? I can only give you so much, and you’ve still got a few more days before this will probably clear up. Are you sure you don’t want to go see Dr. Novak and see what he recommends on dealing with what you’re seeing?”

Dean chewed at his lip, rolling back over to face the wall. He continued to twist the ring between his fingers as he muttered, “Just give me the sedative. I’m not ready to talk about it with him yet.”

Castiel’s words had been running through Dean’s mind even while he was unconscious. The older man had wanted to talk to Dean about his history the other day, and he had given the same shitty response he’d given anyone who ever asked; that it was tragic. He wasn’t ready to talk about it yet because he had never done it entirely sober.

“Are you sure?” Meg asked before Dean rolled over once again, catching a glance of John that made him tense up instantly before he met her eyes once again.

“Yes, I’m sure.”

Meg sighed loudly before muttering, “I’ll be back in just a moment.”

Dean watched as she stepped out of the room, left alone with his father once again who had a grin on his face before he lifted his bottle to his lips, saying softly, “Seems like you’re replacing your alcohol addiction with another. Gonna try painkillers now, Deano? I had a time or two with those.”

Shortly afterwards, Meg returned with a bottle of water and a few small pills. She handed them out to Dean, to which he quickly took them before she said, “Now, before you go back to sleep for probably the rest of the day, do you feel like eating dinner tonight? You know you need to eat to keep your strength up, and I’ll even bring you a slice of pie.”

“You can bring it down here, but I can’t promise that I’ll touch it,” Dean muttered, not looking at her.

Meg let out a long sigh once again before saying softly, “Dean, as the head nurse of this facility, I’m worried about how you’re doing. You haven’t left this room in two days, and I know you don’t feel well, but you have yet to meet anyone here besides myself and your counselor. I’ll give you a little leeway today because you’re still going through detox, but in the next few days, we need to get you out of this room as much as possible, okay?”

Dean nodded his head, his body starting to feel heavier as the meds were beginning to take effect. His vision was growing slightly hazy as his eyelids began to droop with sleep. He rolled over onto his back, looking up at Meg for a moment before saying after a long, drawn out yawn, “Yeah, I will.”

“Okay, now I’ll let you get some sleep. I’ll either be doing my rounds or be at the nurse’s station if you happen to need anything,” Meg said, walking towards the door as Dean responded back to her statement with a hum. He let his eyes shut as he sank back into the mattress, and as he slowly drifted off to sleep, he could hear voices quietly speaking outside.

“They’re talking about you, Dean,” his father said, but Dean didn’t open his eyes or acknowledge the other man. He wasn’t even sure if the words being spoken were just another figment of his imagination. He just accepted that the words that were being said were just another part of his mind playing games with him, letting the hushed familiar voices send him off to sleep.

—

Dean leaned against a familiar bar counter, a cold glass in his hands. He looked across the bar, his eyes trying to distinguish one face from the crowd, but at the moment, every face in the room looked like a blur. He wasn’t sure if he was entirely wasted, or if something else was going on, but the entire atmosphere of the room felt off. As he lifted the drink to his lips, going to take a sip out of it, the liquor was suddenly gone as if the cup had been empty the entire time. Unsatisfied, he turned around to face the bartender, but even standing up close, he couldn’t see any distinct facial features.

“Uh, can I have another?” He asked the bartender only to not receive a response. It was almost as if he didn’t exist in the room. Like he was a ghost in the bar.

He sat the glass down on the counter, holding his hand up to the bartender’s face - or the guy’s head at least - snapping his fingers. As he continued not to receive a response, he just sat the glass down on the bar, turning around before he found a set of blue eyes burning into him.

The person stood very close to Dean, staring him directly in the face and he backed up against the bar counter before a voice spoke in the background, “Did you really think that you could escape me while you’re asleep?”

Dean whipped his head up, looking at his father who was standing not too far behind the figure that was in Dean’s personal space. Dean looked back at the figure, the only thing distinguishable about it being a set of blue eyes and dark hair.

“What the fuck is going on?” Dean growled, trying to move the figure out of the way, but it didn’t budge. Instead, it remained frozen in place, still as stone. Dean quickly jerked his arm away as his father stepped forward, smiling.

“I’m here to teach you a lesson, boy. Since you won’t listen to what I have to say when you’re awake, I thought I’d get it through to you here, in a place where you’re currently stuck until that little head of yours realizes that you can always turn back on the lights and wake up,” John mocked, waving his hands and walking over to the bar to lean against it. A beer bottle appeared before him, and he took a drink out of it before returning his focus to his son.

“Go to hell,” Dean snapped, walking towards the doors of the bar to head out. His boots stomped against the wood floor as he made his way through the faceless figures of patrons, flinging open the door to the bar before he found himself standing at the counter of the bar once again, almost as if he hadn’t walked away in the first place.

John’s beer bottle sat down on the counter with a clink before he looked over at his son, speaking in a low angry tone, “I said, I’m here to teach you a lesson. Did you really think I’d let you walk away from me that easily?”

Dean was quiet, looking over at his father before his eyes quickly found the floor. His gaze slowly moved over to the figure in front of him before his father said, “Do you remember what I said earlier, about the only difference between you and I?”

The younger male didn’t immediately respond, he just looked over at the blue-eyed figure, watching it change shape in front of him. Slowly, the other features of the figure became clearer; short black dress, large breasts, pale skin, long dark hair. Dean recognized the woman as Cassandra, but as quickly as he realized who it was, it changed again, this time to a slightly familiar man.

“You seem to have a type, don’t you, son?” John muttered, lifting his beer to his lips once again, finishing off the bottle in one go.

Dean looked away from the figure, staring at his father once again before saying, “So, you showed me the last girl I fucked and a man I met a few days ago? What does either of them have to do with anything? How is this supposed to teach me a lesson?”

John chuckled for a moment, not looking at his son directly. The younger male tensed up at the sound, recognizing that type of laugh coming from the older man before his father took the beer bottle in his hands. He flipped it over between his fingers a few times before saying, “I may be dead, or something that your brain conjured up during this fucked up process, but because of that, I know every single thought that’s went through your head the past few days. I know everything that you saw with her, and you may have not realized it yet, but I know every feeling you tried to suppress the moment you met him. You’ve got vices, son; alcohol is only one of them.”

Dean clenched his jaw, watching the figure change over and over again as his father continued to speak, “You may not have told Sammy about all your bed partners, but it eats you up inside every time you take another person back to their home, or even the fucking bathroom stall.” His father’s hands clenched tight around the beer bottle, “And I didn’t think that when I died, my son would grow up to be a fucking queer.”

John slung the beer bottle against the wall and Dean watched, frozen in place, as the brown glass shattered. His father’s hands were clenched into tight fists as he approached his son, grabbing him by the collar of his jacket and flannel before getting in his face. Dean could feel his father's hot breath on his skin as he said with a spat, “What would your mother think? I mean, you do still wear her wedding ring around your neck while you’re fucking them; every single last one of them that ring has been present since you never take the damn thing off. Do you think she’d be proud of you being a faggot? I thought Bobby would have raised you boys better than this. That I wouldn’t be stuck rolling around in my grave because my oldest son is out there taking it up the ass, and my youngest son is as soft as they come.”

Dean stiffened at his father’s words, trying to will himself to wake up, but was motionless in his spot. The edge of the counter dug into his back as he clenched his jaw, trying to find a retort, but there were no words to be said. It wasn’t like he didn’t think about what his father would have thought of the man he became. These thoughts had crossed his mind on more than one occasion, in fact.

Instead, Dean accepted his fate, shut his eyes and waited for his father to beat the hell out of him like he did when he was a kid, but that fate never came. Instead, when he opened his eyes, he found a white ceiling, a mattress dipping under his weight, and his father nowhere in sight.

—

A few days had passed since Dean’s dream and he hadn’t seen his father since. His father’s words rang over and over in his mind and as the male made his way towards Castiel’s office, he could feel a lump forming in his throat. See, even though a part of Dean wanted to deny it, he knew his father was right. When he had first met Castiel, a thought had crossed his mind that made the lump grow to an even worse size. Dean knew that he thought Castiel was attractive, but he didn’t know this man - and this man was his counselor - and maybe if they had met under different circumstances, things would have been a lot different. The matter of the fact was, Dean was in rehab, he wasn’t in a bar to pick someone up for the night.

As Dean stood in front of the door of Castiel’s office, he paused for a long moment before lightly knocking. Soon afterwards, the door opened to reveal Castiel, a look of surprise on his face when he realized who was standing on the other side.

“Dean?” Castiel said, the name a question on his lips.

“I wanted to come talk to you,” Dean muttered before Castiel stepped aside, letting the younger male into the room.

Castiel shut the door behind him before saying, “That’s perfectly fine. I just wasn’t expecting you today. Please, have a seat on the couch while I grab a couple of things. How are you feeling?”

Dean took a seat, folding his hands in his lap before he idly grabbed his mother’s wedding ring as his father’s words ran through his head again. Quickly, he pulled his hand away, dropping his hands back into lap once again as Castiel grabbed a blank notebook and a pen before taking a seat across from him. Dean swallowed, the lump still in his throat, before saying, “I’ve been feeling better. Still a mild headache and an upset stomach, but I think I’m pretty much through the worst of it.”

“That’s good. I know Nurse Masters has been giving me regular updates on how you were doing. I did come to check in on you a few times, but I didn’t want to disturb your sleep. I’m glad to know that you’re feeling much better,” Castiel said, jotting something down on the white sheet of paper before his blue eyes returned to Dean’s gaze.

Dean swallowed again, trying to get the lump to go away before he muttered, “I’ve been thinking about what you said during our first counseling session.”

“And what was that?” Castiel asked, furrowing his brows for a moment as if he was trying to remember.

Dean let out a weak laugh, “Why I’m here. What led me to this point. What caused my accident, and my history.”

Castiel didn’t respond, he just looked at Dean for a long moment, his features softening. He placed his pen on the table next to him, showing that he was ready to listen to the younger male’s words before Dean reached up for his necklace once again, twisting it around in his fingers.

“There’s a lot of things I think that led me up to this point,” Dean said softly, looking down as he tried to focus on his nervous habit to coax the words out, “M-My parents died when I was a kid; car accident. My father was drunk, he ran a red light, and the car was t-boned by a semi. He died upon impact, and my mother was declared brain dead at the hospital; we couldn’t afford the hospital bills so she was taken off life support a few days later.”

Dean’s voice was shaky as he finished his sentence, tears threatening to prick his eyes as he continued to twist the ring around his fingers. He could remember his mother laying in the hospital bed when Bobby took him and Sam to visit her. She was hooked up to tubes and machines, bloody scratches across her face from glass. He tried to shake the image from his mind as Castiel said, “I’m sorry to hear that.”

“I-I don’t remember a lot about them; my brother remembers even less. When they died, I was eight and my brother was four. What I do remember are mainly happy memories though. After that, we went to live with a family friend who we thought of as an uncle. He raised us both as if we were his own and he worked really hard to do so. Things were sometimes tough, but we always made it through. I had to grow up quickly; I helped out with Sam a lot when our uncle was working long hours at the shop. I asked my uncle a few years ago why he worked so hard to take care of two kids that weren’t his own, and his response was that family doesn’t always end in blood,” Dean said, smiling softly as he remembered Bobby’s words, stopping his fidgeting for only a moment before continuing.

“I had my first beer when I was fifteen and after that, the taste for it only got worse. Before I knew it, I was in my early twenties, spending every night at some local bar, and every time I stumbled back home in the early hours of the morning, my uncle was always sitting in his recliner with the light on. He always wanted to make sure that I got home safe because he made a promise to my parents; he promised to keep me safe. I…” Dean paused as he spoke, chewing at his lip, “I still remember the look on his face though when he found me passed out drunk in the front yard one time. See, I was able to drive home intoxicated, but I wasn’t even able to make it to my own bed before my lights went out. He told me that night that I reminded him so much of my father, and it haunted me.”

Castiel unfolded his hands from his lap before he grabbed a box of tissues from underneath the side table, handing them over to Dean before he took one. The younger male hadn’t even realized he had let a few tears shed and his shoulders shook as he wiped them away before blowing his nose.

“Nurse Masters said you were having hallucinations… that you were claiming that you saw people who were already dead. Was your father one of them?” Castiel asked as Dean balled the tissue up with hand, placing it in his lap.

“Yes,” Dean’s voice died as he spoke, the words coming out much more ragged than he intended it to, “My father was the only person I saw, and the whole time he was mocking me for my life decisions, telling me that I was just like him. I-I don’t remember much about my father, but what I do remember, I know he was a mean drunk. He was rough, he’d yell at my mother, and it was his own damn fault that the two of them are gone.”

Dean hooked his finger in his mother's ring as he didn’t meet Castiel’s eyes. He just tugged the piece of gold along the chain, back and forth, until he felt slightly calmer. Grabbing another tissue and blowing his nose once again, he met Castiel’s gaze before saying, “I don’t want to be like my father.”

Castiel was quiet for a long moment before he asked, “Who do you want to be, Dean?”

“I want to be myself. I may have a fucked up childhood compared to most people, but I don’t want to depend on booze to sleep or live. I don’t want to be the person my father was, and my car accident was the most obvious reminder of what path I was going down if I continued at the rate I was going,” Dean said, voice more steady.

A small smile found Castiel’s lips as he said, “We can try for that while you’re here. Thank you for sharing your story with me. I appreciate your bravery and willingness to tell me the truth. It takes a lot of strength to go through the things that you’ve gone through.”

After taking a second to let Castiel's words sink in, Dean just gave one of those gruff nods instead of responding, rubbing his cheeks with his hand, trying to wipe away any straggling tears and to hide the blush that was spreading rapidly. He watched as Castiel reached for his pen, jotting down a few notes on the piece of paper. Neither male spoke, the only sound filling the room was the pen scratching on paper and Dean watched Castiel carefully, a thought crossing his mind that he quickly tried to shake away. Instead, he went back to playing with his necklace as he always mindlessly did until it felt like the quiet was becoming too loud.

“Will I be able to call Sam tomorrow?” Dean asked, and Castiel looked up from what he was writing.

“How long have you been here now? Sam is your brother, right?” The older male asked, furrowing his brows before returning to his writing.

“Tomorrow makes it a week, and yeah, he’s my brother,” Dean muttered, chewing at his lip.

“Do me a favor while I finish writing this out,” Castiel said, looking up at the younger male for only a moment, “Go over to the window behind my desk and see if you can see someone with short brown hair and a beard smoking out by the gazebo.”

Dean did as he was told, standing to his feet and walking over to a fairly large window where the curtains were drawn. He looked out, seeing wisps of smoke spreading out from underneath the roof of the gazebo before he saw a bearded man wearing a thick jacket and hat, smoking with a few other guys.

“Yeah, he’s out there,” Dean said, glancing back at Castiel who was folding the notebook shut, sitting the pen down on the table once again before standing to his feet.

“Okay, let’s take a walk then,” Castiel said, walking over to a trenchcoat that hung on the back of the office door before pulling it on.

The two men began to head out of the office, Dean shoving his hands down into his jacket pockets before following his counselor out the door. They walked in silence, heading outside into the chilly autumn air before walking over to where the large gazebo sat. The men looked up from their cigarettes and coffee as they approached, before the man Castiel asked Dean to spot earlier came down the stairs, a grin on his face.

“Dr. Novak,” the man said, a thick cajun accent leaving his lips as he brought his cigarette up to his lips, taking a drag off of it.

“Hello, Benny,” Castiel said, wrinkling his nose for only a moment - but long enough for Dean to take notice - at the cigarette smoke, “As you may have heard, you’re getting a roommate tomorrow, and I thought I’d take the time to introduce the two of you. This is Dean. Dean, this is Benny.” Castiel gestured between the two of them before Benny held out his hand for Dean to shake. Dean took Benny’s hand in his, gripping it firmly before giving it a shake and nodding his head.

“Nice to meet you, Dean,” Benny said, a smile spreading across his face as wisps of smoke left his lips.

“You as well,” Dean muttered, putting his hand back in his pocket.

Castiel looked between the two of them before his blue eyes rested on Dean, “Tomorrow, you’ll be moving out of your detox room and into the room you’ll be in for the rest of your stay. Benny has been here for a couple of weeks already, but you two seem to have a few things in common. After you get moved over, and eat breakfast, please come to my office and we’ll go over your classes and the next step in your recovery. Until then, I’d like for you two to get to know each other a little bit.”

“I promise I don’t bite, unless you want me to,” Benny said with a wink and Dean’s face flushed up to his ears.

“Benny, please don’t tease him,” Castiel warned, looking over at the taller male before Benny let out a chuckle.

“Oh, come on, Dr. Novak. You know I’ve got to pick with people a little bit. Calms the nerves, you know?” Benny said, flicking the ash off the end of his cigarette and grinning. Castiel shook his head as Dean tried to get his heart to stop racing, and he tried to fight the urge to reach for his necklace.

“Come on, Dean, I’ll introduce you to the rest of the smokers,” Benny said, turning back up towards the stairs and Dean began to follow before Castiel placed a hand on his shoulder for only a moment, causing him to turn around. Dean's heart felt like it had skipped a beat as he met Castiel's blue eyes.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Dean, but if you need me, you know where to find me,” Castiel said, and Dean nodded his head before heading up the stairs. His heart continued to race with each step he took, and once he got up to where all the other men were standing, he looked back to see Castiel heading down the sidewalk back towards his office, giving the younger male a small wave when he caught his eye.

—

Dean spent the rest of his day hanging around with Benny and other patients at the facility. When they were in classes or counseling sessions, he hung out in the commons room and watched either old westerns or reruns of Dr. Sexy on tv. After dinner, he and his group of new acquaintances were playing a game of poker around a small table.

So far, Dean was winning, but he had a damn good poker face when it came to playing the game. Nothing got past him as he watched the other guys fidget, trying to catch their tells on whether or not they had a good or bad hand.

“Come on, boys. It’s almost time for lights out,” Meg said, walking past them, her hand brushing Dean’s shoulder for a moment as he glanced back at her with a smile on his face.

“Please give me five more minutes, mom. I’m about to take Dean for everything he’s worth,” Benny said, grinning as he looked over his cards, and the younger male heard Meg sigh from behind him.

“Maybe you will, maybe you won’t. You always have tomorrow to play poker and bet whatever candy bars you rattled out of the vending machine,” she said, laughing softly before heading back towards the nurse’s station that was within sight of where they sat.

Dean threw his cards facedown, rubbing his face in his hands before he stood up. “I’m out. I’ve got a big day tomorrow and need to make sure I get my beauty rest.”

Benny also stood to his feet, putting his cards down before saying, “Yeah, if a big day includes moving from one side of the hall to the other. I’ll be sure to keep the bed warm for you, buddy.” He clapped his hand down on Dean’s shoulder as he walked past, and the two of them went their separate ways for the night.

Dean took his time walking back to his room, though it wasn’t too far away from the commons area. Honestly, after spending the entire day socializing with other people, he wasn’t exactly looking forward to returning back to the quiet of his private room. He felt like he had already spent too much time confined within the space, but he was a little relieved to have someone else to talk to after lights out after tomorrow.

As Dean stepped into the room, he closed the door behind him, turning up the dimmer switch on the wall just a bit so the lights were a little brighter. He threw his jacket onto the chair on the other side of the room before stripping out of his clothes and throwing on a pair of gym shorts to sleep in. Slowly, he walked over to where the bed was only to see something sitting at the foot of it on top of the covers.

On top of the blanket was one of those small little mini-pies that you’d find in the bakery section of the grocery store, a blue post-it note stuck to the top of the package with chicken scratch written on the paper. He pulled the post-it note off, glancing over the words before he felt his face flush and a grin spread across his face:

Dean,

Here is a gift for being open and honest with me today about your past, and congratulations on completing the first week of your program. I know you’ll continue to do well. Here’s to being one step closer to becoming the person you want to be.

Castiel

Dean chewed at his lip, flipping the note in his hands before holding it tightly. For a moment, he forgot about the words his father said in his dream that had been eating him alive for the past few days. He forgot about the venom behind his father’s words, his judgment based on the sole fact that Dean was attracted to men and women.

As he laid back in bed that night, he kept reading the post-it note over and over again, his heart fluttering just the slightest, and he couldn’t help but suddenly feel something different than the pain and anguish he had tried to drink away for a majority of his life.

Author’s Note:

Welcome back, lovelies. I hope you all have had a wonderful week! I'm posting a day early again since I've gotten quite a buffer built up in the past few days, and am unfortunately sick today. For those who don't know me very well or haven't came across my works before, I have a few mild health issues; today I'm dealing with some recent food allergies that I've received in the past year. While I don't deal with anything serious like my throat swelling or the likes, I do deal with serious spells of nausea and vomiting when I eat something that I'm allergic to so it's pretty much put me out of commission today. I'm still in the process of learning what I'm allergic to, and what I'm not allergic to so it's a give and take process and I haven't been able to pin exactly what's gotten to me today.

That being said, let me dive into today's chapter. I wanted to say, I did put the content warning at the top of the page because I didn't want to trigger anyone who may not be comfortable reading those kinds of things. While some homophobia tends to be a given when it comes to Supernatural fanfictions, I just thought I'd pre-warn anyone who happens to read the chapter.

In this chapter we also got a bit of Dean's backstory, as well as a new character introduction. Now, before anyone tears into me about Benny being a bit flirty with Dean, I will say, there will be no Dean/Benny in this story. I've always viewed Benny as more of a friend to Dean, but the kind of friend that's platonically flirty with you. I know I've had friends like that in my day to day life.

I also want to apologize since I know what happens already in the next few chapters for Dean being a bit OOC. It will happen, I know, and I'm trying my best to avoid some OOC characteristics that I've put on this version of Dean in my head, but I want to chalk it up to a few things; one, this is an AU, this Dean is not the Dean that we see in Supernatural. Two, you go through a lot of emotions and feelings when you're fighting an addiction. In my AU, Dean used alcohol to suppress his emotions and feelings to make himself a bit tougher, without the alcohol, his feelings are running a bit rampant for the first time in 11 years (because I did mention when he started drinking regularly).

Finally, the last piece is the post-it note and the pie. The post-it note will play a role later in the story, but for now, I just thought it'd be a sweet little gesture because there are some feelings forming from Dean's side about Castiel here. We all know that pie is one of Dean's favorite things in the world, so Castiel buying him a mini-pie and leaving it in his room while he's not there means a lot to our Dean.

Now, unless I change my mind last minute once again, next week's chapter will be uploaded on Friday. I'm already about to start working on the seventh chapter of the story and things are moving along smoothly. I'm estimating that this fic will have anywhere between 15-20 chapters altogether and I've already got a couple of side fics planned for a later date after everything is completed; one has Castiel's side of the story so far.

I also wanted to give a massive thank you to everyone who has subscribed to this story so far. I do keep a bit of an eye on my stats, and just seeing people interact with story either by giving kudos, commenting, subscribing, and just reading my story means the world to me. As I said last week, this piece has been a bit a therapy story for me, so writing it has really helped with my mental health and I'm glad to be back in the game so to speak after a prolonged hiatus from the hobby.

That being said, I'm going to close out another one of my very long author's notes now.

Until next week, stay lovely!

#supernatural #supernatural au #spn #supernatural rehab au #Destiel #DeanCas #CasDean #Dean Winchester x Castiel #Castiel x Dean Winchester #medical au #rehab au

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a-fictional-reality · 2 years

Text

To Keep from Drowning

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Chapter 2

“Uh, are you going to eat that?” Dean cleared his throat, asking as a set of blue eyes looked up from the book to stare at him. The younger male gestured to the slice of pie sitting off to the side of the table next to an empty tray.

The blue eyed man didn’t speak as he shut a small slip of paper between the pages of his book to use to mark his place before he sat it down on the table, putting his full attention to Dean before sitting up a little straighter. Dean felt slightly intimidated by the man in front of him for some reason, assuming he was another patient at the facility, but he continued to take another bite of his sandwich before the other man spoke.

The silence cut through the air like a knife for a long moment, almost as if the two of them weren’t in a busy cafeteria at some rehab, as the two just stared at each other, Dean slowly chewing up the food he had placed in his mouth.

Finally the other man spoke, placing his fingers on the edge of the paper plate the piece of pie rested on, “I was thinking about it, but I’m willing to trade you for that cookie just this once.”

Dean was almost lost in the oceans of the other man’s blue eyes, trying to process what was said to him before he choked for only a moment, coughing. Slowly, he grabbed the napkin that he had sitting off to the side of the table before wrapping it carefully around the cookie that lay on his tray, in a way that he didn’t touch it with his bare hands. Dean picked it up, holding it across the table to the other man before he took it, his fingers brushing Dean’s for only a moment.

The man slid the plate of pie over to Dean’s side of the table, which he took with gratitude, mouth watering at the sight. He looked at the man’s blue eyes again, muttering out a small, “Thanks,” before he continued eating. Dean had assumed that their conversation would resume back into silence as his tablemate clearly was pretty heavily invested in his book, but was surprised when that the man continued to stare back at him as he went back to his meal.

“You’re new, aren’t you?” The man asked, voice deep, as Dean took another bite of his sandwich.

Dean didn’t meet his gaze as he chewed, just gruffly nodded his head so he didn’t have to speak while his mouth was full. He covered his mouth while he chewed, continuing to nod aimlessly for only a moment before saying, “Yes. I just got here today.”

The man unwrapped the cookie from the paper white napkin, taking a bite out of it, nodding his head in thought before he asked, “I assumed so since you came over to sit at the only empty table in this entire cafeteria. I also haven’t seen you around until today, but it’s nice to meet someone new. What’s your name, stranger?”

Dean dusted the crumbs off his hands over his tray as he finished his sandwich, turning his attention to his traded treat before saying, “Dean. What about yourself?”

As the younger male grabbed his fork, sliding the pie closer towards him, the blue-eyed man spoke once again, “I’m Castiel. It’s nice to meet you, Dean.” He held out his free hand across the table, offering for Dean to shake it, which the younger male quickly and awkwardly obliged.

Castiel’s grip was firm in Dean’s hand, his palm warm compared to Dean’s clammy and sweaty grip from all the nerves of today’s events. Dean felt his heart race only slightly before he pulled away, returning back to his pie before muttering out a quick, “It’s nice to meet you as well.”

Dean’s released hand reached idly for his necklace to fiddle with it as he cut off a piece of his pie before taking a bite of it. The taste of cinnamon, apples, and soft pastry coated his tongue as he chewed it slowly, trying to hold back a moan; he doesn’t think he’s had a piece of pie like this since his mother passed away years ago.

Castiel watched him for only a moment, a slightly amused expression finding his face before he quickly looked away, seeing someone gesturing for him to come over towards the exit of the cafeteria. As Dean continued to eat his pie, completely lost to Castiel’s sudden distraction, Castiel started fumbling from his side of the table, trying to collect his book and empty tray, while trying to finish the last few bites of his own treat.

As Castiel stood up, Dean met his eyes for a moment in confusion before the older male gave a small apology, “Sorry for needing to leave so suddenly; someone is calling for me. Again, it was nice to meet you, Dean. Hopefully I’ll see you around the facility during your stay.”

Dean, with his mouth too full to speak once again, just nodded his head, giving Castiel a thumbs up in lieu of sputtering his food out onto the table with words. Castiel quickly made his exit out of the cafeteria as Dean watched from the corner of his eye, going back to the silence of his meal before he had noticed the other male’s slice of pie.

Instead, as he finished up the rest of his meal - sans the green vegetables that sat on his tray - he hooked his finger into the ring that hung around his neck, thinking about how warm Castiel’s hand felt in his.

—

Dean’s detox room for the first week of his stay wasn’t the largest space in the world. It was a small room not too far from the nurse’s station, with one bed and a bathroom tucked away in the corner. It was nice to have a personal space that was away from other people he knew he would probably meet in the coming weeks, but as he sunk down in the mattress, unable to sleep, all he could think about was how it wasn’t his bed at home.

He had spent the past couple of hours tossing and turning, thinking about the fact that he was too sober currently to try to sleep despite knowing he had an early start in the morning. Usually at this point of time, he had already left the bar that he was at for the night, either going home alone to sleep off the hangover, or in just climbing into someone else’s bed for a roll around in the sheets. Instead, he was laying in a rehab facility, no booze, no lay for the night, thinking about how he didn’t have those two things that had become a part of his nightly routine for almost as long as he could remember.

Dean let out a frustrated sigh as he laid flat on his back to stare up at the ceiling, placing his arm across his forehead, and wincing as he nudged the healing cut from his car accident that went through his eyebrow. The pain was a sharp reminder of why he was here, why it was important that he tried to get sober, but at the same time, accomplishing the task seemed like a massive feat.

He thought about how easy just a single glass of whiskey would probably put him to bed like a baby with a warm bottle, but he knew there was no chance in hell that was happening while he was here. Instead, he was stuck fighting sleep, thinking about how much he wanted another cold beer, or even just the ability to relive his worst sex experience - a quickie in the bathroom of some bar when he was in his early twenties.

Shutting his eyes, Dean rolled over onto his side, facing the wall that his bed laid against before reaching for the ring around his neck that currently laid across his collarbone. He thought about the night of his accident, the girl that he had met at the bar and wondered if she even thought about him afterwards. Maybe she had heard about the accident; I mean, it’s not every day that someone loses control of their car going over 100 miles per hour, and survives to tell the tale. Hell, he knew the regulars he met at the bar would notice that he was suddenly not present there every night as per usual.

As he idly fiddled with the ring, twisting it over and over between his fingers, he felt like a weight had been pressed to his body, and he let out a yawn. For only a moment, he kept trying to fight sleep, thinking about Cassandra, thinking about the accident, and thinking about how he’d kill to just have a drink and his own bed to sleep in.

—

Dean’s hands gripped the steering wheel of his Impala as he drove down a stretch of highway, not another car in sight. Sam sat sideways on the bench seat, his lanky legs pulled up to his chest as his back rested against the passenger door; he had his head leaned on the back of the seat as he tried to sleep. Dean pressed his boot further down on the accelerator, watching as the needle on the dash said he was going faster and faster as his brother slept. For him, this was just another drive in his car, this was just another regular day.

Dean met his own green eyes in the reflection of the rearview mirror as he looked up behind the car only to see someone he hadn’t seen in a very long time sitting in the backseat. Instantly, Dean slammed on the brakes, stopping in the middle of the highway, and Sam slid forward in the seat, waking up.

“What the hell, Dean?” Sam asked, voice groggy from sleep as his brother whipped his head around, frantically searching the backseat for something that was no longer there.

“I, uh, I…” Dean stuttered, whipping his head around trying to find an explanation for what he just saw, but was unable to come up with anything. Sam’s brown eyes bore into him as he straightened himself up to sit properly in his seat.

Neither of them said anything as Dean tried to come up with an explanation for his sudden hard-braking without sounding crazy. Slowly, he moved his foot back to the accelerator pedal, pressing it down to continue down the road as Sam rubbed his eyes trying to shake off the last little bit of sleepiness that remained.

“Why did you do that?” The younger brother asked, rubbing at his face with the heel of his hand.

“I thought I saw Dad,” Dean said quietly, glancing away from the road for a moment to look in the rearview mirror once again, but all he saw was his own reflection.

Sam sighed, “That’s impossible. Dad died a long time ago.”

Dean swallowed, his eyes returning back to the road once again before briefly looking over at his brother, “I know, but sometimes it seems like he’s still here. I just looked in a mirror for just a second and for a moment there, I could have sworn he was in the backseat. That doesn’t even make any sense because I never even saw him sit in the backseat when we were kids.”

Sam just shook his head, looking out the passenger side window before muttering, “Maybe you should pull over at the next hotel you see. We’ve been driving for a long time and you haven’t had any sleep since we left Kansas. Maybe you just need to lay down and catch a few Z’s while I try to figure out where we need to go from here.”

Dean furrowed his eyebrows as he glanced over at his brother before muttering, “Y-Yeah, I guess,” but he couldn’t figure out what exactly Sam was talking about. Where were they even going? Why was he driving his car down this abandoned stretch of highway that he felt like he vaguely remembered from somewhere? Why weren’t they in Kansas currently and why couldn’t he remember anything that happened prior to driving in the car?

Dean continued down the highway, questions rattling around in his head before he pulled off at the next exit to find a hotel that was advertised on a billboard a few miles back. Sam was somewhere lulling back into sleep as he pulled up to a redlight, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel to the sound of the song playing on the radio.

The older male watched as the signal turned green, slowly pulling the Impala forward before there was the sound of a slam, the crunch of metal, and the glass of the windows flying around him as they shattered upon impact. Dean had never seen the large truck coming prior to the impact; it was almost as if it had never been there to start with.

Sam’s body looked like a ragdoll laying against the passenger side door unconscious, and while Dean’s side had been the one that was hit, he still remained somewhat coherent for only a moment before glancing up in the rearview mirror once again to see his father sitting in the backseat.

As Dean held onto what little consciousness he had left, his father spoke, his voice sounding the same as it did when he was still a child after a few glasses of whiskey, “I told you when you were young, boy. Despite everything you try to do to avoid it, you’re going to end up just like me, Dean; either drunk, alone, or six fucking feet underground.”

—

Dean sat up in his bed with a cold sweat painting across the skin of his chest. As he tried to get his heart to stop racing, he heard a faint knock on the other side of the door to his room, and he pulled the sheet up to cover his bare skin before he said in a rough voice, “Come in.”

“How are you feeling?” Meg asked, shutting the door behind her as she stepped into the room. Dean ran his hands over his face, exasperated by his nightmare, hearing his dad’s words over and over in his head until it felt like it was pounding.

“Like shit,” he muttered, pulling his hands away and looking over where Meg stood with her arms folded across her chest as she leaned against the wall. Her brown eyes stared into him as if she was trying to figure out what was bugging him before she stood a little straighter, not saying anything for a long moment.

“That’s normal. I experienced the same thing when I went through detox,” Meg said, and Dean furrowed his eyebrows.

“Y-You went through detox?” Dean stuttered as he spoke, looking over at her. Though he had only met Meg yesterday, knowing that she was a nurse, Dean hadn’t of even imagined that she had gone through her own addictions at some point in her life.

She nodded her head, walking across the room to adjust the lighting to where it wasn’t so dark. Dean winced at the lights suddenly brightening, his head pounding a bit more as if he was severely hungover - or just hit by a truck - before she spoke again, “I did. About two years ago, I was in your position. I actually went through the program here, which is why I do a lot of the intakes mainly. Alcohol withdrawal isn’t a joke so I’m going to need you to be totally honest with me when I ask you how you feel.”

She didn’t look at him as she spoke, instead turning down the lights just a hair before Dean muttered, “Well, I wasn’t joking when I said I felt like shit. My head is killing me.”

“I’m sure I could get you some ibuprofen for that,” she said, crossing her arms in front of her chest again, “I came down here to wake you up. I got your counselor assignment this morning, and while usually during detox we don’t bother the patients too much their first few days, Dr. Novak wants to see you. So, if you want to get ready for the day, I’ll go fetch you something for your headache, and I’ll take you down to his office.”

Dean nodded his head before she stepped out of the room and he flopped back down on the bed for only a moment before sliding out from underneath the covers to get ready. Quickly, he used the bathroom, washed off his face trying to shake off the remains of his dream, and got dressed before stepping out into the quiet hallway to see Meg standing next to the nurse’s station with a bottle of water and a small disposable cup with a few orange pills sitting in it

Dean downed the pills, twisting off the top of the water bottle before draining half of it in one go. Meg stared at him, slightly amused before the male muttered out a small, “Thanks.”

As the two walked the halls of the facility, Meg led Dean outside the main building, walking past a small gazebo where a bunch of guys were huddled up with cups of coffee and cigarettes perched between their lips. The men watched as Dean and Meg passed, not saying anything or acknowledging that they were nearby, just wisps of smoke leaving like lips like the steam off their hot cups of caffeine.

Meg opened the door to Dean to step into a smaller building that looked more like an office than a medical facility before leading him down a few halls. As the two walked, they didn’t speak much, Dean just keeping his hands shoved in his pockets to keep from fiddling with his necklace. At the very end of one hall, there was a large wooden door with a metal plaque that had a name etched into the gold. Dean stared at the letters that spelled out, “Dr. Novak” for a long moment before looking over at Meg.

“Is he nice at least?” Dean asked, his nervousness heard in his tone before Meg just smiled, opening the door.

“Dr. Novak, your first patient is here for the day,” Meg said as she stepped into a large office space. Dean couldn’t see the man who sat behind the desk from where he was standing in the doorway, but as he stepped into the room, he quickly realized that he had already met the counselor that was sitting before him.

“C-Castiel?” Dean stuttered, fumbling with saying the uncommon name correctly for the first time. He was so in shock at the sight that he was surprised that he didn’t have to pick his jaw up from off the floor.

“Ah, Dean, it’s nice to see you again. I apologize again for leaving so suddenly yesterday upon our meeting. I had a patient that needed to speak with me,” Castiel said, looking at the younger man who stood before him absolutely dumbfounded.

Meg looked highly amused as she glanced between the two of them, her arms folded in front of her chest before saying, “It’s not every day that the new guy goes and sits with probably the most important counselor we have on staff and asks right off the bat if he can have his dessert.”

Dean shot a look of daggers over at her, his face heating up red as he tried to come up with a retort to the nurse’s playful statement before reaching up for his necklace, twisting it around in his fingers before turning his attention to Castiel.

“Nurse Masters, please be nice to the patients. Especially someone new like Dean here,” Castiel scolded her. Meg responded by waving her hands, walking out the room before shutting the door behind her as she tried to stifle a laugh.

With only Castiel and Dean left in the room, the older male stood to his feet, walking over to where a couch and small chair sat. He took a seat in the chair, folding a notebook over in his lap, and grabbing a pen before gesturing for Dean to sit across from him before saying, “I apologize for her. Nurse Masters and I have quite a long history so she likes to tease a little bit with everyone that she meets. Please, have a seat, and we can start discussing some things that I’d like to talk with you about over the next few days.”

Dean walked across the room in a few strides, taking a seat on the small leather couch before his eyes caught the book that Castiel was reading yesterday at dinner sitting on a side table next to the chair. There was still a piece of paper tucked in the same spot as yesterday, bookmarking the page where Castiel left off upon Dean’s interruption.

Dean, suddenly finding his words, spoke, “So, is it, uh, normal here for the counselors to have doctorates? Or eat lunch with everyone in the cafeteria instead of in the privacy of their own office?”

Castiel smiled, watching Dean tug at the gold ring that hung around his neck anxiously before answering his question, “The answer to both questions are no. I have a doctorate in psychology because I have always had a fascination with it, but my speciality is addiction counseling. I also prefer to eat in the cafeteria with everyone else because it gives me time to read; I spend a lot of time in my office during the day, so sometimes I just need to get out and stretch my legs.”

“O-Oh. Cool,” Dean said, not really knowing what else to say in response to that statement before quickly adding, “Sorry for interrupting your time outside of your office yesterday then.”

The older male looked away, tapping his pen on his notebook for a moment before saying softly, “It’s perfectly fine. I didn’t see it as an interruption at all. As Nurse Masters said, it’s not every day that someone comes up and sits in the cafeteria with me. Upon entering the facility, most people know who I am. I usually have more to do with the process of patient admissions when it comes to giving tours, but yesterday when you arrived was slightly hectic. I asked her to step in when you got here since my schedule was fairly booked.”

Dean looked over at Castiel before asking, “So, do you prefer being called Dr. Novak or Castiel?” The younger male made sure not to fumble saying that uncommon name a second time.

“Whichever you’d prefer,” Castiel said, looking down at the blank page, “Nurse Masters and I refer to each other as our titles rather than first names to keep more of a professional environment in the facility around patients.”

Dean hummed in response before looking around the room once again, his gaze slowly trailing back to the male in front of him before saying, “So what did you want to talk to me about? I know this is my first day here and Meg said that it’s typically not normal to bother patients during their detox stage.”

Castiel sat down his pen, folding his hands in his lap as he leaned back before speaking, “While that is true, you’re a bit of a special case due to why you’re here.”

“Because it was court-ordered,” Dean corrected him, his voice taking a rough tone. The younger male’s dream ran through his mind once again, his father’s words repeating themselves as if they had been spoken to him in reality.

“Yes,” Castiel said, his blue eyes burning into Dean, “We don’t usually take that many court ordered cases because most of the time, we want patients who have chosen sobriety. Based on studies, it’s been determined that someone isn’t going to quit drinking alcohol or using drugs unless they have a willingness to do so. You, on the other hand, walked away from a very bad accident and didn’t immediately end up behind bars afterwards. You had someone looking out for you that night.”

Dean fumbled for his ring again, his headache, despite being medicated, still made his head slightly pound, “So, do you usually review why patients end up here?” His tone had venom slightly laced in it as he spoke.

Castiel sighed, “Usually patients would talk to their counselor in private about their circumstances, but yours was already laid out for us before you even arrived. I thought I’d take some time with you this morning to discuss your side of the story because I feel as if there’s something here that’s missing; that is, if you’re willing to discuss it with me, Dean.”

The younger male stopped folding the piece of gold between his fingers before his gaze met Castiel’s again. “I’ve just had a rough life,” he muttered, quickly looking away after he said the statement.

Dean hated how vulnerable this made him feel. He chewed at his lip, flipping the ring between his fingers once again as he waited for Castiel to respond before the older male let out a long sigh. Castiel’s hands remained folded in his lap, not trying to reach for his pen once again before he said softly, “We don’t have to talk about it immediately, but I’d like you to speak to me about it within the next few days if possible because I have a feeling you were using alcohol to cope with it. I want you to know that this is a safe space, Dean. Anything you say to me remains within the confines of this room, so whenever you’re comfortable enough to talk, please let me know.”

The younger male gave Castiel another one of his gruff nods, not meeting his eyes. The only thing running through his head was his dream, his father’s words, and the tragic history that he had been living with perfectly fine until this very moment. The only thing that pulled him from his thoughts was when Castiel cleared his throat, changing the subject entirely.

“How about we talk about what is to be expected during your time here instead?” He asked, waiting for Dean to nod before continuing, “As you probably already know, our main goal here is for when you leave the facility in a month, is that you remain sober. We give you the tools and tricks while you’re here and you take those ideas and apply them to your daily life outside of the rehab. After you get out of detox, you’ll be given a schedule of classes that you have to attend. These types of classes go over the science behind addiction, ways to cope when you want to drink, as well as information about the 12 step program that every person follows on the road to recovery. You’ve already completed the first step when you checked in yesterday; admitting that you have a problem and that you are powerless over it. In order to complete the program here, you have to go through the first five steps. After you complete our program, we expect that you’ll continue on with the other seven on your own.”

“Okay, so when do I start the next step?” Dean asked, looking over at Castiel. His hands shook slightly as he continued to twist the ring and as Castiel took notice of the obvious tremor, Dean quickly pulled his hands away, holding them still in his lap.

Castiel met Dean’s eyes once again, saying, “Next week. Right now, you’re still going through detox and I don’t know what’ll come with it. Some people have very mild withdrawals while others have the more severe kind. After you get through the hardest part of your process is when we begin giving you the tools you need to maintain sobriety.”

Dean looked down, “And what do I do until then? Just chill out in my little room?”

The older male sighed once again, reaching for his pen only to stop halfway, “For the most part, yes. I advise that you try to rest as much as possible over the next week. Right now, your body and mind are struggling with a loss of dependence. You’ll probably feel fairly unwell the next few days, but the nurses will come in to check on you. If you’re feeling well enough, you’re more than welcome to explore the facility in your free time; go to the cafeteria, hang out at the gazebo if you’re a cigarette smoker, hang out in the commons area if you’d like, and we’ve even got a walking trail in the woods behind the facility if you like nature.”

Dean didn’t respond, just looked at Castiel. He didn’t know how to respond. His thoughts were still rattling around his pounding head before letting out a loud, long sigh, stretching his arms over his head. “Okay,” he began, “Is there anything else you wanted to talk about today?”

Castiel looked surprised by Dean’s response before shaking his head, “I don’t. I just wanted to make sure that you were prepared for your time here and that there weren’t any surprises. Do you have any other questions for me?”

Dean shook his head, standing up from the couch before Castiel followed suit. The older male walked Dean over to the office door, opening it up before saying, “Well, it was nice talking to you today. Please think about what we discussed earlier and if you happen to need anything before I see you next, let Nurse Masters know and I’ll come find you.”

Dean just nodded his head, shoving his hands into his pockets as he stepped out the door, heading back down the hallways. As he stepped back outside, glancing over at the gazebo once again to see the cloud of smoke had since dissipated since he had been by earlier, he sighed. He stopped, standing still on the sidewalk for a long moment before reaching for his necklace once again. He twisted the ring over and over in his fingers, staring at the green grass, and kicking a rock that sat on the pavement next to his boot.

He thought back to Castiel’s words about how he wanted to understand why Dean was at the facility; what had led him to the point of driving home completely wasted before crashing the car. All that Dean could think about was the nightmare he woke up from, and it made his stomach twist into knots. Quickly, trying to shake the thought away, he looked back up at the smoker’s gazebo before seeing someone standing in it that hadn’t been there before and his blood ran cold.

His father, John Winchester, stood leaning against the railing, a familiar brown bottle in his hands before he tipped it towards Dean’s way with a smile on his face. Dean felt his stomach lurch before he leaned forward, spewing up what hadn’t been digested of last night’s dinner, along with the bottle of water he had drank that morning. As he coughed, his stomach contents hitting the sidewalk in front of him, he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand before looking out at the gazebo again to see his father was gone.

Quickly, he shoved his hands back into his pocket to walk back towards the main building of the facility, his father’s words from the nightmare ringing repeatedly over and over in his ears as tears threatened to prick his eyes.

Author’s Note:

Hello again, lovelies! Welcome back to the story!

So, I know I said I'd try to keep my upload schedule to Fridays, but I have to work tomorrow and I was off work today so I thought I'd bless you all with Castiel's introductions a day early, and if I didn't throw a slice of pie into that character introduction, I think it might have killed me.

Now, the things to discuss in this chapter. First off, the reason behind Dean basically meeting Castiel twice is because when I started planning this story, I couldn't decide whether to make Castiel a patient or a counselor; I had two separate plot lines written out that both relatively followed the same path, but the counselor line was a lot more developed, hence why I went with that route. At the time of posting chapter 1, I did already have this chapter written out, but I kept the two introductions as a nod to where the story started.

Second off, some information about detox. As mentioned previously, I have thrown a bit of research into this story based off secondhand experience of watching someone close to me go through recovery, as well as making sure I keep information as accurate as possible. That being said, Dean's detox symptoms that are lightly touched in this chapter and I'll go further into next chapter include headache, nausea, sweating, hand tremors, and hallucinations. It's been said a time or two around me, but alcohol withdrawal, if not done properly with intervention, can kill you, and that's why Dean's detox at the facility is important, and why Castiel and Meg try not to bother patients much during the first week.

Also, going over the information about the rehab. One, I didn't give the facility a name like I probably should have, and two, while there are 12 steps of the program, Dean will only complete five while at the facility. The reason for this is based off the rehab that my close friend went to; he only did the first five steps of the program while there, and continued on with the other steps through out-patient counseling or other personal means. I try to explain the steps as possible as I go, but for continuity sake, I'll explain the first step here quickly. The first step is as follows quoted from a website I did my research through, "After many years of denial, recovery can begin with one simple admission of being powerless over alcohol or any other drug a person is addicted to. Their friends and family may also use this step to admit their loved one has an addiction." Simple terms, you admit that you have no control over you addiction and you're seeking out help. Step two will be covered in a later chapter and I'll explain the full meaning there as I go.

Before I close out this author's note, I wanted to take a moment to thank everyone who has subscribed and left kudos on this story so far. While at times, it may seem like I'm rambling on about certain aspects and details in the author's notes or even the story itself, I use writing as my much needed therapy, so finally putting my fingers to the keys once again after a very long break has been very relaxing. I appreciate everyone who has taken the time to check out my writing, and I do plan to bring this story to a close in the distant future because there's been a lot of tedious planning put behind this work.

#supernatural #supernatural au #Destiel #fanfiction #spn #DeanCas #CasDean #Medical AU #Supernatural Rehab AU #Rehab AU #Dean Winchester x Castiel #Castiel x Dean Winchester

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a-fictional-reality · 2 years

Text

To Keep from Drowning

Chapter 1

Read on Archive of Our Own

Dean lived a life of many vices, and very few virtues. Being 26, he had led most of his life in sin and misery between his parents dying when he and his brother were young, being raised by his “uncle” of no blood relation, and spending a majority of his late teens and adult years lost in a bottle or between someone’s bed sheets.

Tonight was no different in that regard as he leaned against the edge of a bar, swaying to the sound of loud rock music with a bottle in his hands. Currently, his eyes were tracing across the people who stood in the crowded bar; men, women, it didn’t matter as long as there were no strings attached and they didn’t ask him to spend the rest of the night with them.

As he lifted the bottle to his lips, a girl wearing a short black dress that matched her hair color came towards him. A small smirk traced across her red lips as she made her way over to him, a seductive look in her eyes as she looked him up and down.

“See something you like?” She asked, blue eyes glinting from one of the limited lights in the dim bar.

Dean’s eyes traced over the soft features of her face, the curve of her breasts under the low cut, tight fabric of her dress, and a grin spread across his lips as he took another drink of the bottle. “Hell yeah,” he said, voice raspy as he spoke, leaning a little further back into the bar as he smiled.

She smiled back at him, eyes lidded as she looked up before leaning against the bar next to him. She leaned over into his personal space, getting close to his ear to whisper over the loud music pumping in the background, “What’s your name?”

Dean looked over at her, the smile not leaving his face as he said, “Dean, but it’s not like we really need to know each other’s names, do we?”

A coy smile crossed the woman’s lips before she said softly to him, waving for the bartender’s attention as she spoke to the taller male, “Straight to the point, are we? No conversation and straight to business? Let me at least buy you a drink first.”

Dean lightly laughed as the bartender walked over and he watched as the woman gestured to what he was drinking before placing an order for herself. As the bartender walked off to grab his beer out of the fridge and mix whatever fruity cocktail she had ordered, Dean commented, words slightly slurring, “You know, you don’t have to buy me a drink to get into my pants, though it’s appreciated. I’m already half in the bag, and I’ve been watching you for a little while.”

The woman laughed loudly before the smirk found her lips again and she purred, “I know. I have to admit that I’ve been watching you for a bit as well. It’s not every day you find a man standing across the room that checks off every single box on your list that seems to have the same interests as you when it comes to no relationships, only flings.”

A grin spread further across Dean’s face as the bartender returned, handing his fresh beer to him and a drink with a little umbrella over to her. He passed his now empty beer bottle over to the bartender before taking the new one, taking a swig out of it before saying to the woman in front of him, “Baby, you might just be my goddamn soulmate if that’s the case.”

—

It was just past three in the morning as Dean stumbled out of the woman’s - Cassandra’s, Dean later learned her name - apartment, trying to not to bump into doorways or slam the front door as he made his escape. He fumbled in his jacket pocket for his keys as he looked out into the parking lot, trying to find his usual ride only to be greeted with the unfriendly reminder that his car was currently sitting on a lift at his garage, and he had borrowed his brother’s high tech, new-age, vehicle that he hated with a passion. Dean’s fingers fumbled as he tried to find the correct key to unlock the door and get into the vehicle before he threw himself down onto the cloth seat, placing his hands on the wheel before he struggled to get the keys into the ignition.

This wasn’t the first time that Dean had driven himself home after a night of too many alcoholic beverages, and not enough time to sober up, but it didn’t matter. All that Dean knew in that moment is that he needed to get back to the apartment that he shared with his younger brother. At that moment, it didn’t matter that the world was spinning in circles despite the fact he was sitting still, hands gripping the steering wheel tightly as he pulled off the entrance ramp to get on the highway. His boots squeaked as they pressed further down on the gas pedal, ignoring the blaring speed limit sign of 65 miles per hour, increasing that limit by ten, twenty, thirty, and then further.

The only thing he needed to do was get home, make sure that his brother was okay, asleep hopefully and not trying to cram for some last minute exam, before slamming himself down into his own bed to get some much needed sleep. Nothing else mattered in that moment; not the fact that he was driving recklessly, not the fact that he was still way too drunk to be behind the wheel, not the fact that when he was like this, it endlessly reminded him of his father. Dean knew he just needed to be home, and that if he wasn’t when Sam woke up to head to his morning classes, it’d worry him; that’s why Dean never bothered to stay the night with any of his flings.

That was the last thing Dean remembered thinking about before everything became a blur of memories. The vivid sound of plastic and glass breaking, the pounding in his head, the sound of sirens and concerned voices trying to get information from him despite him not knowing where he was, and then everything was just dark as he was unconscious. Everything ran over and over in his mind so blurry that he almost thought it was all a dream.

Almost.

—

Everything hurt; Dean’s head, his chest, his arms, his legs. His eyes fluttered as he was pulled out of the dream he found himself in, thinking he was in the comfort of his own home until he heard the faint sound of beeping in the background and Sam’s worried voice coming from where he sat in a chair at the side of the bed.

“Dean!” His younger brother said, shooting up from his chair to tower over him.

Dean blearily looked around a stark white room, trying to raise his hands to his head when he heard the clinking of metal when he realized he was restrained with a set of handcuffs linked to the rails.

“What the fuck, Sam? Where am I? And why the fuck am I handcuffed to the bed?” Dean asked, his voice strained as he spoke, looking up at his younger brother who stood over him, concern in his brown eyes.

Dean’s heart raced as he looked around the room as quickly as his eyes would allow him without straining his vision. The entire room was white - the walls, the tile on the floor, the bedsheets, the gown he was wearing with little striped patterns, even the bandages that he could see on his arms and hands from where he sat. The last thing he remembered was leaving Cassandra’s house and getting on the highway, but everything else was blurry, as if he experienced something that his brain just didn’t store away for reference later.

“Dean,” Sam’s voice was quiet as he spoke and out of the corner of his eye, he could see a doctor and a police officer step into the room. The doctor held the clipboard close to her chest and the police officer had her arms crossed in front of her before sighing and grabbing the keys to the cuffs that kept Dean restrained to the bed.

As she uncuffed Dean from the bed, she shook her head before saying, “I know I promised your uncle that I’d watch over you two after he passed away, but Dean, what in the hell what you were thinking?”

Dean rubbed his wrists, glancing up at her with a look of bewilderment before saying, “Jody, what the hell happened?”

“You really don’t remember?” Sam asked, looking between the two of them, his focus landing on Dean before the older male shook his head, trying not to wince as the pounding in his head continued to thrum with the movement.

Jody crossed her arms in front of her chest once again before sighing, “Dean, you’re lucky to be alive right now. You were in a pretty serious car accident. You lost control of the vehicle you were driving, going over 100 miles an hour. The entire thing is totalled, the fire department had to cut you out of the car, you’ve been unconscious for three days, but had a blood alcohol level of over three times the legal limit to be operating a vehicle. That being said, if I hadn't been such good friends with your uncle, and the district attorney didn’t owe me any favors, you currently wouldn’t be sitting in this hospital bed with your brother by your side right now.”

“I- What?” Dean said, the look of shock not leaving his face as he glanced up at the woman in front of him before his eyes found his brother.

Sam sat down, leaning forward in his chair before putting his face in his hands for only a brief moment. As he sat up, he ran his hands through his shaggy brown hair before saying, “Dean, if you had been in the Impala - which doesn’t have airbags or proper seat belts for that matter - you would have died. What were you thinking?”

Dean’s mouth suddenly became very dry as he glanced between the three people standing in the room before he looked at the doctor that had yet to speak. She still held the clipboard close to her chest, looking down at Dean before the older male met Jody’s gaze once again before saying, softly, voice low, “So, I guess this means I’ve used up all my ‘get out of jail free’ cards.”

“Technically, yes, but again, the DA owes me a favor and he let me make a deal of your behalf so I don’t have to haul you to jail after you get discharged,” She said, her brown eyes narrowing on him, “and I swear to God, Dean, if you don’t take this deal, you’ll be dumber than I thought you were the other times you’ve had to spend the night behind bars.”

“What is it?” Dean asked, not looking up at her, but still feeling her gaze piercing into the cuts and bruises that currently marred his skin.

“Court-ordered rehab. This isn’t the first time you’ve gotten in trouble for what happens when you drink,” Jody said, and Dean tried not to his wince before she continued, “If you go and complete their mandatory program, you won’t have to serve any time in jail. The only thing you’ll have to do when you get back is carry a restriction on your license for a few years, have the breathalyzer put on your vehicle for a certain amount of time, and pay a hefty fine.”

“And if I don’t?” Dean asked, finally meeting her eyes.

“An appearance in court, possible jail time, and everything listed above. Which would you rather do?” Jody asked, uncrossing her arms before leaning on the railing of the bed, “And please don’t tell me you’d rather go to jail over rehab.”

Dean reached up to his chest, trying to stifle the pain he had in his arm and the bruises that were patterned across his skin, grabbing onto a cold gold chain that hung around his neck that he was still surprised hadn’t been cut off of him. He ran his fingers along the chain until he hooked his finger into a ring that hung just below his collarbones and he chewed at his lip for only a moment before asking, “Would I have to go immediately? I have to figure things out with the garage and–”

Sam cut him off before saying, “Already taken care of. Garth has been watching over the place and said he’ll keep it safe until you’re able to come back.”

Dean’s eyes looked over at the only window in the room, watching as the trees rustled in the wind as he pondered the thoughts that were going over and over in his head. He chewed at his lip once again before saying with a faintest chuckle in his tone, “I guess I’m going to rehab then. Now, Doc, instead of just standing over there in the corner listening to this very personal conversation, can you tell me what kind of damage I’ve done to myself?”

Sam rolled his eyes at Dean’s sudden change of attitude, Jody shook her head, and as the doctor began to go over Dean’s extent of injuries from the car accident, his finger didn’t leave the cool piece of metal that hung around his neck. Despite everything that was currently going on through Dean’s head while he put up his facade, the ring was his current reminder that he didn’t fuck up so bad that he needed to be put six feet underground.

Not yet at least.

—

Within a week, Dean was out of the hospital and most of his injuries had healed. The only real reminder of the car accident that still remained was the fading yellowish bruises that crossed around his chest from where the seatbelt held him in place and a jagged gash cutting through one of his eyebrows that would probably leave a scar as a permanent reminder. Sam sat across from him in their living room as Dean was forcing himself to nurse a beer that he had in front of him. There was a duffle bag of Dean’s belongings sitting next to the front door and the older male looked over at it, trying not to think about how he was going to be living his life out of that bag for the next month.

As Dean raised the cold glass bottle to his lips, he caught Sam looking over at him with a frown on his face before Dean gruffly muttered, “What?”

“Is it really a good idea for you to be drinking before I take you to the facility? I mean, I don’t think you want to show up to rehab already blasted off your ass,” Sam muttered, closing the book he was holding around his thumb. The two of them had been watching the clock for the past few hours as Dean was awaiting his check in time that the rehabilitation facility had given him when he was discharged from the hospital.

Dean snorted, putting the bottle down before he got the urge to bring it to his lips once again to avoid an inevitably rough conversation between him and his brother, “I’m just following doctor’s orders. She said that having a drink or two would take the shake out of my hands until they can properly detox me.”

“Yeah,” Sam said softly, before continuing, “She said a drink or two, not the only six pack I’ve ever begrudgingly bought you because you were struggling to stab your breakfast to your fork this morning.”

Dean sighed, looking away from his brother, grabbing ahold of the bottle once again before taking a much larger sip than the last. “Sam, can we just… Can we not fight right now please? I’m stressed out, I’m being forced to be locked away in a facility because of a stupid mistake I made, and I just… I want to spend time with my baby brother because you and I both know that we won’t get quality time together while I’m there.”

Dean tried to be sincere with his words, something that he didn’t try very often when it came to speaking with his younger brother, and Sam was quiet for a moment, astonished by his brother’s sudden confession. Neither of them spoke as Dean lifted the bottle to his lips again, finishing off the beer before slamming the glass down on the coffee table when he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket.

The older male looked down at the screen, glancing at the calendar notification Sam had saved in his phone a few days ago. Standing up, he grabbed the empty bottle, walking to the kitchen to throw it away before he heard Sam stand to his feet in the background before he asked, “Are you ready to go?”

Dean’s fingers wrapped around the ring that hung from his necklace as he kept his back from his brother before saying, “No, but I don’t have much of a choice do I?” After dropping the bottle into the trash, the glass clinking against the other bottles in the can, he turned around and continued, forcing a smile on his face, “Besides, since we live together, don’t you think you need a vacation from me sometimes? I mean, hell, you could invite that pretty blonde you’ve been seeing over here and have as much wild sex in the living room as you’d like without the worry of me walking in.”

Sam’s eyes watched his brother closely, unable to come up with a response to Dean’s comment as his face burned red with embarrassment. Instead, he just shook his head, grabbing a set of keys and Dean’s duffle off the floor before his older brother followed him out. Before Dean shut the door though, he glanced back to the apartment, eyes gazing over the living area for only a moment, reaching for the ring around his neck once again before tucking it into his shirt.

As the two males walked down the stairs, heading towards the parking lot of the apartment complex, Dean asked, “So, who’s coming to pick us up? Garth? Jody? Oh, please don’t tell me I’m getting a full police escort to this place because it’s court ordered.”

Sam didn’t say anything, just opening the door in front of him, holding onto Dean’s duffle tightly before his brother stopped in his tracks at the car that was parked out front. Sitting in a parking spot near the doors was a car that was as pristine as when she was bought years and years ago; the one car Dean was thankful he wasn’t driving the night of his accident for a multitude of reasons.

“What? How? Last I checked, she was still on the lift at the shop,” Dean said, following his brother out to the parking lot as Sam opened the squeaky door before throwing Dean’s duffle bag into the backseat.

“Well, you and I only own two cars and I can’t exactly keep missing classes due to lack of transportation while you’re gone. Besides, Garth said there wasn’t much else that it needed so I asked him if he’d finish it up–”

“You let Garth touch my baby?” Dean asked, cutting off his brother’s words.

Sam was quiet for a moment, pondering how to respond before saying, “Dean, I thought you said you didn’t want to fight. Besides, I figured riding in your baby to the facility would be the best way to help calm your nerves.”

Dean held out his hand for the keys which Sam held tightly onto before saying, “No, you’re not driving. Your license is currently suspended until you complete your program and I thought you already decided that you weren’t going to jail. Just because you treasure this car doesn’t mean you get a free pass from riding in it shotgun for once.”

Dean still didn’t say anything, just quietly walked over to the passenger side and opened the door before plopping himself down on the tan bench seat. Sam slid into the driver’s seat, turning the key in the ignition as Dean watched carefully, and the taller male looked over at his brother before sighing.

“I know you always want to be the first one to drive her once she comes off the lift for whatever issue she has, but just this once, please don’t make a fuss the entire time I’m driving. I promise I’ll take care of her while you’re gone,” Sam said softly, his hand holding onto the gearshift for a moment before putting it in reverse.

“Damn straight you will,” Dean grumbled, crossing his arms in front of his chest before quickly unfolding them to turn on the radio, the tape winding in the cassette player for a moment as classic rock music played through the speakers.

“I thought you said the driver picks the music?” Sam said softly, glancing over at his brother for a moment before turning out into the street.

“My car, my rules. Now, shut your cakehole and drive.”

—

The rehab was thirty minutes away from where Dean and Sam called their home. From the outside, it seemed like a rather large facility, with smaller buildings spread around the structure. The entire property was surrounded by dense forest, leaving some of the sidewalks out front covered recently shed leaves and pine needles, and as Dean stepped out of the impala, he crushed a pinecone under his boot.

“This is… much bigger than I expected,” Sam said, looking at the larger building and Dean just grumbled as he pulled his duffle out of the backseat before sliding the strap over his shoulder.

The two males walked towards the very large building before entering a set of white double doors to be greeted with a lobby. A woman with curly black hair sat behind the counter, typing away at a computer screen before she looked over the two of them, her eyes watching them carefully before asking, “Can I help you boys?”

“Yes,” Sam piped up, glancing over at his brother, “My brother, Dean Winchester, is here to check in for his stay. The receptionist he spoke to the other day said for him to be here by three.”

The woman looked over at Dean, eyeing him up and down for a moment before she turned around in her chair to rifle through a file cabinet. She pulled out a few pieces of paperwork, pinning them to a clipboard before handing Sam a pen and saying, “Please fill these out and return these to me. I’ll call a nurse down here in a moment to take your brother back since we have to give him an examination before checking him in.”

“Okay, thank you,” Sam said quietly, and the two of them stepped away from the counter to sit in a small waiting area. Dean didn’t speak, but he didn’t have much to say. He just listened to the scratch of the pen Sam was holding on the paper, and twisted the ring on his necklace around his fingers and he took in his new surroundings.

As he was lost in his thoughts, he felt a tap on his shoulder and turned around to see a woman in dark blue scrubs, dark hair pulled back into a tight bun behind her head. He watched her carefully before she said, “Mr. Winchester, my name is Nurse Masters; you can call me Meg, if you’d prefer. I’m the head nurse and I’m here to take you back for your exam.”

Dean looked at his brother, Sam still lost in the paperwork in front of him before standing to his feet and muttering, “I’ll be back in a bit, Sam,” and following the nurse further back into the building. He was led down a few halls, past a common room where he could see other patients sitting, playing games, watching tv, before being brought into a private room that was similar to a doctor’s office. Dean didn’t speak as Meg followed through the motions, checking his weight and height before scribbling them down with a pen. He took a seat on the exam table towards the back of the room while she checked his blood pressure before taking a seat herself, and pulling what he assumed was his file transferred from the hospital close to her chest.

“I’m going to start off by asking you a few routine questions so that we can get you the best care here. Is that okay?” Meg asked and Dean just gruffly nodded his head before she pulled the file back away from her chest.

“Before I begin, I have to confirm, do you have anything on your person or in your luggage that’s considered a prohibited item for this facility?” She asked and Dean quickly shook his head before trying to lighten the mood with a bad joke, “Nope, I left all my knives, guns, booze, and drugs at home.”

Meg didn’t respond to the joke, just glancing down at her paper and continuing her questioning as Dean felt stiff with anxiety, “Any new medications since your hospital stay?”

“No,” he said, confirming his earlier thought about the file being from the hospital.

“Okay, do you have any other vices besides alcohol?” Meg asked after jotting down Dean’s answer.

“No, unless you count one night stands as a vice,” Dean muttered, again, his attempt at a joke falling flat.

“Unfortunately, we don’t really treat sex addictions here, but if you think that may be a problem, we can see about finding you a counselor that has experience. Is that something you’d like?” Meg asked, not even the look of surprise crossing her face.

“What? No, I’m not addicted to sex. I’m just here for the alcohol issue,” Dean retorted, baffled.

“Good, you’re already showing promise with the first step; admitting you have a problem,” Meg said, a small smile finally cracking across her face at the sight of the male being flustered. Dean sighed, feeling a small rush of relief as he realized that Meg was joking back with him and he looked at the younger female before she continued, “Now that I’ve broken the ice, do you mind if I keep asking you questions?”

Dean just nodded his head as Meg continued her questioning, asking about his family’s history with addiction, if he had any other recreational drug use in the past, whether he had ever been to a psychiatrist or therapist in his life, and then taking down his insurance information so they could bill them for his stay. After the questioning, she began to tell him about the procedures of the facility.

For the first week, Dean would be in a room by himself so he could detox peacefully. During that time, he wouldn’t be allowed to contact his brother, but Meg assured him that he would be able to call Sam the moment that he was moved out of the detox room. She continued to go over the types of classes he would be taking to aid him in his recovery, how he would get all the information from his assigned counselor in the morning after a good night’s sleep, and how as long as he followed the rules the facility kept in place, his time here would be gone before he knew it.

“Let me ask you something before I take you back to say your goodbyes to your brother,” Meg said, tying a tourniquet around his arm so she could draw blood.

“What is it?” Dean asked, feeling slightly more comfortable than he did when he originally walked through the doors now that he knew what he was expecting.

“Did you really think that I was going to judge you when you came back here with me?” Meg asked, looking down at him for only a moment before sticking him with the needle, filling little vials with blood.

Dean gritted his teeth through the pain before muttering, “Honestly, I don’t know what I was expecting. I’m just not used to this kind of thing.”

Meg hummed as if she was only half satisfied with his answer, but she didn’t press. Instead, she finished filling the vials, tucking them away off to the side of the room to be sent off for testing before placing a bandage on his arm.

Without saying much else, she opened the door to the exam room, leading him out back to the waiting area where Sam sat, his hands folded in his lap. The paperwork he had earlier seemed to be long gone as the sounds of the receptionist typing on the keyboard filled the lobby.

Meg placed a hand on Dean’s shoulder before saying, “I’ll give you two some privacy to say your goodbyes, and then once you’re both ready, I’ll be waiting for you down the hall right past the counter. After that, we’re going to give a tour of the facility and then I’ll take you down to the cafeteria for dinner.”

Dean nodded his head and he watched her walk away before turning back towards his brother. Sam stood to his feet before Dean reached out, giving his brother a tight hug before saying, “They’ve got me all checked in so I’m going to head on back. They, uh, they said for the first week I can’t contact you, but I’ll be able to call you in a week and then you can visit me on the following Saturday. They say I’ll be out of here before I know it.”

Dean’s words were shaky as he spoke, trying not to fumble for the ring that hung around his neck as he pulled away from his brother. Sam looked down at Dean before muttering, “Yeah, you will. Just stick with the program, do your time, and then you can come home and we can go back to back a somewhat normal life given our circumstances.”

“Y-Yeah,” Dean said, giving in to the urge to paw for the piece of gold that once belonged to his mother. The older male glanced over his shoulder to where Meg stood, waiting for him, talking to the receptionist before he turned back around, “Take care of my baby for me.”

“I will,” Sam promised, pulling his brother in for another hug before saying, “Just take care of yourself. I’ll talk to you in a week. Love you, brother.”

Sam hugged him tight for a long moment before pulling away and Dean muttered out, “Love you too, Sammy,” before picking his bag off the floor next to Sam’s former chair and heading over to where Meg stood at the beginning of the hallway.

Dean glanced over his shoulder one last time where his brother stood before turning down the hall, following after Meg.

—

After Dean was settled in his room, his bags thoroughly inspected by the facility’s staff, and given a tour of the main areas of the rehab, Meg led him down the hall to a large cafeteria. As Dean stepped into the room, he felt like every set of eyes were suddenly trained to him. Other patients were sitting around their tables with their peers, eating their dinner, talking about their days.

The room was loud as Dean walked between the tables heading towards the line Meg directed him to. He stood in line behind two guys who were talking loudly about how they had almost completed their final step of the program and he fidgeted with his necklace once again, looking out at the room before his eyes laid on a table with a guy eating alone.

I guess I’ll sit with him since all the other tables are full, he thought to himself.

Once it was his turn in line, Dean approached the counter that a few workers stood behind, pointing to a sandwich that looked much more appetizing than the other entree and watched as one of the workers placed it on his tray. Another worker also slopped some sort of green vegetable onto the tray before looking up at him.

“Would you like a dessert?” He asked, staring at Dean.

“You got any pie?” Dean asked, hopeful that maybe while he was fighting his supposed alcohol addiction, he’d still be able to enjoy his favorite dessert.

“Damn, no. I gave the last piece to the guy in front of you. All I’ve got left are these chocolate chip cookies, or maybe an ice cream cone.”

“Guess I’ll just take a cookie, but just to forewarn you, if you guys keep serving pie for dessert, you might want to save me an extra slice. Pie is my favorite,” Dean joked, a small smile cracking across his face and the cafeteria worker smiled back.

“Hah, I’ll keep that in mind,” the worker said with a laugh and Dean just nodded, turning on his heel to head back towards the open table he saw earlier.

He walked across the room, taking a seat across from the guy he saw sitting alone earlier. The man didn’t look up from the book he had sitting in front of his empty tray and Dean stared at him for a long moment, questioning if the guy was going to acknowledge his appearance, but maybe he wasn’t one for small talk.

Instead, Dean started digging into his sandwich, eating in silence before he saw a slice of apple pie sitting on a small plate off to the side of the empty tray. The man in front of him continued to stare into his book before Dean cleared his throat and he finally looked up, blue eyes meeting his.

“Uh, are you going to eat that slice of pie?”

Author’s Note:

Hello, everyone, and welcome to the show! My name is Kayla and I will be your lovely author on this journey that we will be taking together. Now, I will say, this is the first time I've written anything fanfic related in over a year, and my first time ever writing in third person so if anythings seems a little rusty/off, please don't hesitate to let me know.

Personally, I've been a fan of Supernatural for a very long time, and recently I finally finished the series. Upon finishing the show, I started looking into other projects that the actors had and I came across Jensen's band Radio Company. I absolutely fell in love with the song "Drowning" upon first listen, and the more I thought about it, the way it was sung, I attributed it to something that happened in my life.

I've talked about this history briefly across the internet, but I personally have someone that I really care about that has dealt with addiction in the past; alcoholism specifically. I hadn't known this person very long when they were checked into rehab, but it's been five years since all of that went down and my history and experience with it personally has played a big part in how I write Dean's character in this story. As I have a secondhand account of addiction, there may be bits and pieces of this story that are fictionalized for the purpose of the story, but most of Dean's thoughts, feelings, and experiences are very loosely based off of things that the person in my life has also experienced. I've put quite a bit of research into putting this story into fruition.

As for our first chapter, we get some of Dean's story the night of his accident. I plan to go further into it later on, but for now, I'm just going to leave it as it is. I did make some minor references to Supernatural in the dialogue in parts, but I did that for a little bit of humor because I'm not going to joke, this story is going to get dark sometimes.

The last thing I'll mention in this already very long author's note is, I do plan to have an upload schedule for this story. Right now, I've only written about three chapters, and haven't determined how long I'm going to drag this story out, but all the major events and ending are fleshed out. Chapter 2, and Castiel's introduction (because I know, I only teased him at the end of the chapter) will be uploaded next Friday. Hopefully I'll have a little bit of a buffer built up by then, and depending on how quickly I write this story compared to other works I've done in the past, I may upload more than once a week. It just depends on how my work and life goes.

If you've made it this far, thank you very much for reading the first chapter, and please feel free to let me know what you think!

#supernatural #SPN #Destiel #deancas #fanfiction #supernatural fanfic #dean winchester x castiel #castiel x dean winchester #supernatural au #medical au #SPN rehab AU #rehab au #Supernatural rehab au

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a-fictional-reality · 2 years

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Minor Writing Update

So, just so everyone on this blog knows, because I know nothing has been posted in a long, long time. Starting tomorrow, I’ve scheduled for the first four chapters of my Destiel/Supernatural Rehab AU fic to start posting at 12 pm. The blog itself will post one chapter a day for four days, after that, I’ll update the blog the same time I update the fic on Ao3 which is once a week so I can keep a buffer and have time to write chapters.

This fic is the first thing I’ve put a lot of thought into in a very, very long time, and it has been planned entirely from start to finish, but I’m currently in the midst of writing it. So far, I have eight chapters entirely, there are fifteen planned altogether (as well as some side stories planned because I’m very invested in own AU). I also updated my tags and FAQ on the blog to reflect things now.

Thank you all for continuing to follow me even though this blog has been dead for quite a while now, and I appreciate all of the support that you’ve given me. Hopefully you’ll find what I have rolled up my sleeve next rather interesting. I promise that I’ll try to be more active, and I’ve been keeping an eye on my blogs more proactively than I was before.

Much love,

Kayla

#Mind of Kayla VI #Blog update

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a-fictional-reality · 2 years

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Hello, lovelies. I know it's been a long, long time since I've updated this blog, but I'm still kinda writing. If you've got an interest in Supernatural and Destiel specifically, please take a moment to check out this piece that I'm currently working on.

I currently update every Friday, and post only on AO3.

To Keep from Drowning

Read it on AO3 here!https://ift.tt/mikNjXG

by EmptySighs66x

Dean Winchester has lived a life of many vices, and very few virtues. Being 26, he had led most of his life in sin and misery between his parents dying when he and his brother were young, being raised by his “uncle” of no blood relation, and spending a majority of his late teens and early adult years lost in a bottle or between someone’s bed sheets.

When Dean ends up in court ordered rehab after a severe car accident, he’s forced to face the demons of his tragic history completely sober for the first time in his life. Along the way, he meets his counselor Castiel, who has a story of his own to tell.

Will Dean make it out the other side of this dark path unscathed, or will he go back to his old ways of drowning his feelings in booze and bed mates?

Words: 5673, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English

Fandoms: Supernatural (TV 2005)

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Categories: M/M

Characters: Dean Winchester, Castiel (Supernatural), Sam Winchester, Meg Masters

Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Jessica Moore/Sam Winchester

Additional Tags: medical AU, Patient!Dean, Doctor/Counselor!Castiel, Slow Burn, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, Dean’s in rehab after a car accident, John Winchester’s A+ Parenting, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Based on the Radio Company Song of the Same Name

Link: https://ift.tt/mikNjXG

#destiel #supernatural #read on ao3 #my writing #spn

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a-fictional-reality · 7 years

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Why You Love Me

“When did you know that you were in love with me?”

A Haikyuu!! SugaOi fluffy one-shot.

“Hey, Suga-chan?” “Yes, Tooru?” He answered from beside me, the room shrouded in complete darkness. “When did you know that you were in love with me?” Four years ago, I met the gray-haired male at a practice match. Both of us were just first years in high school, lucky to get starting positions with our senpais. I was excited for the match, my cocky personality well known as I hung off of Iwa-chan when I caught sight of him. Sugawara was pulling on the back of his friend's practice jersey, a nervous look in his eyes as he stared over at my team. His honey-brown eyes met mine for a single moment, but from what Iwa-chan told me, I froze in place like the awestruck teenage boy I was. I couldn't help it though; my little bisexual heart had never seen a boy so beautiful; I was amazed my jaw didn't physically drop. I became even more shocked once the game began and I quickly learned that the boy played the same position as I did. A part of me felt as if I could relate to him and it didn't take long for his look of nervousness to turn into one of confidence. Iwa-chan slapped me in the back of my head as my sets were suffering and I almost melted as Sugawara chuckled at the action from his side of the court. That day, we lost that practice match. I knew it was my fault, but what happened after the match determined my feelings. I stood by the water fountain, hearing someone approach me from behind, and I prepared to bring my cocky personality out of the dark when I heard, “That was a good game, wasn't it?” I turned around, puffing up my chest, preparing a retort as I caught sight of honey-brown orbs. My mind almost shut down as I fumbled, “A-A-Yeah, it was. It's been a while since a team has been able to beat mine.” He laughed softly, covering his mouth as a blush burned my cheeks. I gave an awkward smile, rubbing the back of my neck before he held out a hand and said, “Sugawara Koushi; most of my friends call me Suga though.” My face burned even brighter as I took his hand and said, my confidence slowly building back up, “Oikawa Tooru.” I shook his hand, smiling before we were loudly interrupted by two shouts: “Trashykawa!” “Suga!” We both turned around to look at our friends before I audibly sighed. “I've got to go,” We said at the same time, our words overlapping each other before he stuttered out, “I-I guess I'll see you around?” “Yeah.” Sugawara rolled over in bed, pressing his chest against my back as he snaked an arm around my waist, one of his hands sliding up into my shirt. His fingers were cold against my toned stomach and I flinched a little as he whispered, “Tooru, what on earth are you talking about this late at night?” “Curiousity killed the cat. You know my 3 a.m. thoughts are random, Suga-chan,” I said with a small chuckled and he sighed. The second time I ran into the older male was our first Interhigh tournament. Karasuno didn't get very far so my team didn't have a chance to play them, but I ran into him while waiting for my next match. “Suga-chan!” I cheered as he began to walk past me in the corridor. He looked down because he had lost his match, but his eyes lit up when he saw me. “Oikawa-san, it's good to see you again,” he said, approaching me as I leaned up against a wall. A soft smile played his lips as he stared at me with bright honey-brown eyes before he asked, “How have you been? It's been a while.” “Busy. I heard about your last match; it's a shame we're not playing against each other,” I said and he just shrugged, looking down. “There's always extra practice matches and Spring High,” he muttered, putting his hands in his pockets a second before pulling out an older cellphone. He opened it up, clicking a few buttons before holding it out to me. His cheeks showed the dust of a blush before he asked, sheepishly, “Can I get your number? I-I'm not able to text back that often because I'm busy, but I think it'd be nice if we could talk somewhere else besides matches.” My heart thumped in my chest as I took the phone from his hands, punching in the name “Tooru-chan ;)” and my number on the numberpad. He smiled as I handed him the phone back, and his eyes traveled to the screen before he raised an eyebrow. “Tooru-chan? Is that what you preferred to be called?” “I'm odd; I use given names very causally, especially mine,” I said and he smiled. “Suga, we're leaving,” Someone called and the shorter male turned around for a moment. “Why do I have deja vu?” He muttered before saying to me, “Good luck at your next match, Oikawa-san. I'll be sure to text you my number later.” I watched as he ran away before I was drug off by Iwaizumi, heart still racing a few moments later. “Your 3 a.m. thoughts always get you in trouble, also, Tooru,” my lover muttered, snuggling his face into my hair. I could feel his breaths on my neck as I sighed. “Why can't you just answer the question, Suga-chan?” I whined, my hand on top of his and I interlaced our fingers. “Tooru, roll over if you want to know badly enough.” We texted each other casually over the span of two years and hung out rarely. I became excited every time it came to see him, but as time moved on, I began to think that our friendship was all I was ever going to have with the older male. In my third year, I tried dating other people to chase him away, but each boy and girl only caused me heartache. Spring High that year made me finally realize my feelings as his honey-brown eyes studied the game, studied me. That whole game, I wished that he was playing as the setter, not my former kouhai. I was shocked though when Karasuno pulled through and won the game. Though it doomed my team's chances of going to nationals, I was happy for them; I was happy to see a genuine smile on Suga's lips. “Congrats, Suga-chan,” I said, approaching him after the game as he stood in the corridor. A blush lit up his cheeks as he smiled, “Thank you.” My heart thumped in my chest before he looked around for a moment and asked me, “Are you busy this evening? I, uh, want to celebrate my win with one of my best friends.” He smiled slightly and I glanced down at my phone, checking the time. “Don't get ahead of yourself, Suga-chan. You're not at nationals yet,” I joked before asking, “Are you staying with someone in Miyagi tonight?” He nodded his head before saying, “I have a family friend who lives not far from the gym and they don't mind me spending the night with them. Besides, I do have one important win to celebrate; it's not everyday that Karasuno gets to admit they defeated Aoba Johsai,” he chuckled lightly as I sighed. A text from Iwa-chan flashed on my screen as I muttered, “I have to go. Do me a favor and text me when your match is over; we can decide on a place then and I can meet you at seven.” He nodded his head and I walked away, pulling my lip between my teeth. Slowly, I shifted my body to where I was facing Suga, feeling his nose brush mine. He gave me a soft kiss on the lips as his arm wrapped around my waist. His cold fingers slid up the back of my shirt and I shivered, moving closer to him before I whined, “Suga-chan.” “Mm, Tooru, you also know how I get this late at night,” he mumbled against my lips and I pushed up against him for a moment before breaking the kiss. I ran my fingers through his my hair as I said, “Suga-chan, stop avoiding the question.” I sat in my favorite ramen shop, my hands folded in my lap as I was waiting for my friend to arrive. Suga had texted me earlier, mentioned that he was going to be late, but it didn't bother me much. It gave me time to seize my heart from racing so much. I took a quick sip of my drink as the gray-haired male approached my table, a small smile playing his lips. He had cleaned up nicely, exchanging his jersey and shorts for a pale blue button down and a pair of slacks. “I wasn't expecting you to dress up so nicely just to have dinner with little 'ole me,” I said, glancing down at my plain v-neck, cardigan, and jeans. To be honest, I had been deciding on what I was wearing for two hours. He laughed softly, running a hand through his hair before he said, “I told you I wanted to celebrate. It's only important.” A blush spread across his cheeks as a smile cracked across my face. “Just admit it; you wanted to look nice for me, Suga,” I cooed, my voice taking a flirtatious tone. His eyes widened slightly as my face burned and I tore my gaze away from him. “I, uh, I... Sorry,” I squeaked a quick apology and he just shook his head. He chuckled softly, brushing it off before muttering, “You're fine. I'm glad you agreed to meet me though; we never get to hang out much for being such close friends.” “Hah, that's true, but both of us have been busy with volleyball and college exams... Speaking of those, have you decided on where you want to go?” I asked, taking a sip of my drink, putting in my order as our waitress ran by. He looked as if he was thinking hard for a moment before saying, “Tokyo. I'm perfectly fine from where I'm from, but I want to be in the city for once; change things up for a while.” “It seems we have similar plans, Suga,” I said softly as he glanced up and smiled. “Really? That'd be great. I mean, Asahi is going to work and I think Daichi is planning on staying around Miyagi for school. I didn't want to be totally alone in the city,” he said. My heart thumped loudly in my chest as I thought about Suga and I being the only two who knew each other in the city as I too didn't know anyone graduating with us who was leaving. “Oikawa, your face is really red,” Suga said and I covered my face for a moment before shaking my head. “Hah, it's just hot in here,” I said, shrugging my cardigan off. I felt Suga's hand slide out of the back of my shirt and he sighed softly. His breath was hot against my face and I licked my lips, still tasting his on mine. He buried his face into my neck as he mumbled, “It feels like it was so long ago.” “So, um, you're just down the road from me?” I asked as the two of us were walking back to the house where he was staying tonight. His hands were shoved in his pockets and a part of me was wishing that he'd allow one of them to brush mine occasionally. I noticed the longer that our “celebration” went on, the more my racing thoughts became known. I had been shamelessly flirting with Suga throughout the entire night and my mind knew what it wanted, but I knew I had to keep it caged. At least that's what I thought. “Yeah, it seems like it,” Suga said, glancing up at me, a soft smile on his lips. “At least I was able to walk you home,” I muttered and he chuckled softly before stopping in his tracks, becoming quiet. “Suga?” “Oikawa, what's on your mind?” The older male asked me and my eyes met his honey-brown orbs. “What do you mean?” I stuttered and his eyes narrowed at me. A frown found his lips as I raised an eyebrow at him before he said, “I know we haven't hung out much this past year, but I've known you long enough, Tooru, to be able to tell that something is bothering you.” I took a deep breath as he stared at me and I rubbed the back of my neck. My mind was still racing a hundred miles an hour and as the thoughts began to escape their cage, I approached Suga. He stepped back, leaning against a fence as his eyes stared up at me, searching my face. I was gnawing at my lip before I took a deep sigh. “Sugawara, I have to tell you something,” I said, swallowing the lump that was forming in my throat. “Toor--” I hooked a finger under his chin, lifting his face up before kissing him softly. I could hear my heartbeat in my ears as I felt his soft lips barely push back against mine before he shoved me away. His face was a deep shade of crimson under the streetlamps as he stared up at me and I blurted out, “I like you, Sugawara Koushi.” “Was it? We've known each other since we were fifteen; it's been seven years now?” I said and he hummed softly, nodding his head. “Seven years is quite a while,” he hummed before he placed a soft kiss on the side of my neck. “When did I first love you though?” I never heard anything from Suga after that night. I sent him countless texts and the occasional phone call, only for all of them to go unanswered. That night, after I spoke those poisonous words, he disappeared from my life as if he was never there. I went to college in Tokyo, never hearing from him, and I couldn't help but feel alone. Not long after I began classes, I met a few people I played against in high school matches and tried to make friends, but I never forgot about Suga. It wasn't until a drunken college party during my second year that we met face to face once again. As any other party I attended, I was heavily intoxicated and getting a little frisky with a classmate. Tonight, it happened to be Kuroo Tetsurou, a known flirt and a native to Tokyo. I had to admit that he was a great kisser as his lips moved fluently against mine, my arms wrapped around his neck. He had me backed up against a nearby wall and my fingers were tangled in his mess of black hair. I glanced up at him with heavy-lidded eyes when he pulled away, the sound of music slowly returning to my ears. He leaned down next to me and said over the sound, “I'm gonna go get a drink. Do you want anything?” “Something with vodka; don't care what,” I hummed, voice slightly seductive as he smiled before walking away. I continued to lean against the wall, swaying my hips with the beat of the music when I caught sight of three males; one with a shaved head, another with spiky black hair and a blond tuft, and then, the gray-haired male I used to be familiar with. “Suga,” I said under my breath without realizing it. My whole body tensed up at the sight of him and my heart began to race. He was glancing around the room before his honey-brown orbs met mine and he quickly looked away. I frowned, glancing down at the floor until I felt someone nudge my shoulder and I looked up to see Kuroo. “What happened while I was gone? You look depressed, Oikawa,” the taller male said as I took my drink from his hand before throwing it back as if it didn't phase me. “Just a few bad memories, Tetsu-chan,” I muttered, wrapping my arms around his neck, “It's nothing too important.” “Ah!” He cheered and I jumped at the sudden shout. “What, Suga-chan?” I asked, burying my face into his chest, listening to his rapid heartbeat. “I've loved you a long, long time, Tooru.” My head and back were sore as I rolled over in bed. I didn't remember much after I saw Suga because of all the drinks, but could assume I slept with Kuroo as I caught a whiff of his overpowering cologne. “Mm, Tooru-chan,” I heard a soft, sleepy voice say as an arm was wrapped around me and I glanced over to see Suga fast asleep to the left of me, another person to my right. A shriek left my lips as I heard Kuroo say, “The fuck is going on,” at the intrusive noise. Suga's eyes slowly opened as he glanced at me, then Kuroo before muttering, “Were am I and why am I only half clothed?” “You mean you don't remember any of it? What about you, Oikawa?” Kuroo asked, astonished as the two of us shook our heads. He chuckled softly, smiling before he said, “Well, Oikawa, you had quite a few drinks and I'll admit, I was nowhere near sober, but nowhere near as drunk as you were. I knew that you kept looking over at Sugawara over there all night and sometime, the liquid courage had hit you enough to go over and talk to him. I don't know what kind of past you two had, but upon being reunited, you both were all over each other.” I looked over at Suga and his eyes were wide as his face burned a deep red before he stuttered out, “Then... How did we end up here, and did anything conspire after that?” “You two weren't going to be separated apparently because, Oikawa, you approached me sometime afterward and was also hanging off of me, asking if we could go back to my apartment and I agreed. You both came with me and well, before anything could progress too, too far, you both ended up falling asleep cuddled up together,” the black-haired male said and I blinked for a second, trying my best to remember what had happened, but my mind was a blank slate. “How long is a long time, Suga? I just want to know and you're dragging it out,” I whined and he chuckled softly, kissing the top of my head before running his hands through my brown curls. He held me a little tighter against him and I let out a soft sigh. After we left Kuroo's apartment, Suga and I ended up walking down to a small coffee shop. Neither of us spoke a word to each other on the way there and I noticed that he was staring down at his feet for the most part. I wanted him to say something, or for me to say something, but I couldn't just come up with the words. The two of us ordered our drinks and took our seats at a small table, taking sips of the caffeine before Suga finally spoke to me, “It's been a while since I've seen you; I was shocked to run into you last night. I-I honestly don't know how much I drank, but I know that it was enough to try to forget you all over again.” “I-I'm sorry for what I did. I know I shouldn't have kissed you that night and I'm sorry that I ever did. I wasn't thinking and I--” I stuttered out before he cut me off. “No, don't apologize for what you did, Oikawa-san. I didn't mean what I said in a bad way, even if it came out that way. I was trying to forget you because... because...” He chewed at his lip as he struggled to find his words before he said something softly under his breath. “What is that?” I asked, feeling like my heart had stopped in my chest. “I was trying to forget you because ever since I met you, I've had this feeling in my chest that makes me feel like I can't breathe. I couldn't stand it not talking to you for long periods of time, which is why I was always texting you to see how you were doing. I was always wishing you could hang out more, but I knew that we were both always busy between volleyball and school. It took me years to figure out what exactly that feeling was because I had never felt it before... It wasn't until you kissed me that night that I realized what that feeling had to have been, and I was so in shock that I pushed you away and ran off like I did. I didn't mean to leave you like I did and that was stupid of me to run off like that, and just completely drop off all contact with you, but I didn't know what else to do. I was scared. I was terrified, I didn't know what to do because I didn't how to proceed. I ran away because I also had feelings for you too, Oikawa,” he said, his face becoming more and more red with his speech and took a small sip of his coffee after he finished. He was looking down at the table and my heart beat rapidly in his chest. Without a second thought, I stood up from my seat, leaned over the table and kissed him on the mouth as I could no longer hold back the feelings that had been building in my chest for years now. “I love you. I know that for a fact now,” I whispered, breaking the kiss for a moment before I felt him smile against my lips. Suga chuckled softly before he said, “You already know the answer to the question, that's why I've been stalling.” My face heated up in a blush before I mumbled, “I know, but I always love hearing your answer whenever I ask the question. I think it makes me fall more and more in love with you every time I hear it.” He smiled softly, tilting my head up to where I was looking up at him before he said, “I've loved you ever since the moment I met you. How could I not love you? You're beautiful, a sweetheart, and you're entirely perfect in my eyes.” I laughed softly before he leaned down and kissed my lips as he held me tightly to him before he said softly, “Now, can we go to sleep? You and I both know that we have jobs that we have to get to early in the morning and you know how hard it is for you to get out bed when you're tired.” I nodded my head and whispered, “Goodnight, Suga-chan. I love you.” “Goodnight, my dear. I love you more.”

Author’s Note:

I literally started writing this a year ago after I wrote the infamous IwaOi fic called "Pancakes". After writing that much of a sexual fanfic, I wanted to do something fluffy using another pairing that I adored. Here I am a year later though, finally finished with this work that I'm actually kind of proud of. I never thought it'd take me that long to write a one-shot, but once I was rereading the work, the words just poured out like there was nothing to it. Thank you all for reading.

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