acornhatsandcats

[acornhatsandcats]

Hey my name is Kaiden. I’ll share a little about my story, and why I’ve made this.

I’ve been out for 8 years now, and on the waiting list for 5 on the NHS. Due to cuts, COVID, ever increasing living costs, laws, and already a very long wait time increasing by 3+ years than it was with no signs of anyone in the year I signed up being seen anytime soon, it’s come to a point where I must take the next step as soon as possible. I’ve tried and tried again to save for it, but, the reason I’m on the NHS in the first place is because I can’t afford to save for this all on my own. My plans where to begin this month/next, but saving isn’t that simple.

This would change my entire life, and I simultaneously am saving up for top surgery and that takes a lot out of my budget as that’s the one that is a deal breaker as not having it prevents me from even getting dressed or going outside or wanting to be seen by people at this point due to dysphoria it’s gotten so severe, especially since I stopped being able to bind a few years ago, due to over binding for 4 years with cheap binders, random items to chest flatten, and I can’t exercise as well anymore so I feel like I never pass to a degree I’m okay with. When I could bind and exercise more, I felt amazing, I felt like I was living life, I did so much during that time and since then I’ve been miserable most of the time and isolated myself so much I have seen maybe 2 friends in a year. I feel awful being seen.

I’ve resorted to using T in circumstances which are self medicated numerous times in unofficial ways, and I don’t want to do that anymore as it’s so risky. I want a safe transition, I want a secure transition. I am not a medical professional no matter how much I research how much T to take. I just want the security of that and no longer have to play by eye, run out, start again, wonder if I’m doing it wrong, and play around with my health and experience my hormones destabilising when I can’t get anymore T whereas on prescription that won’t happen (so much, I know some people withheld it in the pandemic but that’s not usually what happens).

I’m 25 now and wanted to start at 18, technically before then, but 18 was when I could try. I signed up at 20 finally. Doctors so far have been ultimately terrible with listening, and only in the last 3 months have referred to me as my gender after 5 years of knowing otherwise.

My mental health has rapidly deteriorated over the years due to living like this as I’ve touched on previously in the post, and I want to move onto the next step. Finally. I hate asking for this, but I’m at a loss of probably nothing happening for years to come and I can’t wait anymore, I really can’t. 5 years on a waiting list for your first appointment for anything is no joke.

I would not ask if I wasn’t desperate, if there’s anything I can do in return I will try my best.

[acornhatsandcats]

Hey my name is Kaiden. I’ll share a little about my story, and why I’ve made this.

I’ve been out for 8 years now, and on the waiting list for 5 on the NHS. Due to cuts, COVID, ever increasing living costs, laws, and already a very long wait time increasing by 3+ years than it was with no signs of anyone in the year I signed up being seen anytime soon, it’s come to a point where I must take the next step as soon as possible. I’ve tried and tried again to save for it, but, the reason I’m on the NHS in the first place is because I can’t afford to save for this all on my own. My plans where to begin this month/next, but saving isn’t that simple.

This would change my entire life, and I simultaneously am saving up for top surgery and that takes a lot out of my budget as that’s the one that is a deal breaker as not having it prevents me from even getting dressed or going outside or wanting to be seen by people at this point due to dysphoria it’s gotten so severe, especially since I stopped being able to bind a few years ago, due to over binding for 4 years with cheap binders, random items to chest flatten, and I can’t exercise as well anymore so I feel like I never pass to a degree I’m okay with. When I could bind and exercise more, I felt amazing, I felt like I was living life, I did so much during that time and since then I’ve been miserable most of the time and isolated myself so much I have seen maybe 2 friends in a year. I feel awful being seen.

I’ve resorted to using T in circumstances which are self medicated numerous times in unofficial ways, and I don’t want to do that anymore as it’s so risky. I want a safe transition, I want a secure transition. I am not a medical professional no matter how much I research how much T to take. I just want the security of that and no longer have to play by eye, run out, start again, wonder if I’m doing it wrong, and play around with my health and experience my hormones destabilising when I can’t get anymore T whereas on prescription that won’t happen (so much, I know some people withheld it in the pandemic but that’s not usually what happens).

I’m 25 now and wanted to start at 18, technically before then, but 18 was when I could try. I signed up at 20 finally. Doctors so far have been ultimately terrible with listening, and only in the last 3 months have referred to me as my gender after 5 years of knowing otherwise.

My mental health has rapidly deteriorated over the years due to living like this as I’ve touched on previously in the post, and I want to move onto the next step. Finally. I hate asking for this, but I’m at a loss of probably nothing happening for years to come and I can’t wait anymore, I really can’t. 5 years on a waiting list for your first appointment for anything is no joke.

I would not ask if I wasn’t desperate, if there’s anything I can do in return I will try my best.

[acornhatsandcats]

Actually yeah I am still a man when I can’t bind because of breathing and chest pain!

Yes I get crippling dysphoria but it’s through no fault of my own that I’m disabled and can’t afford top surgery or perhaps collapse from pressuring my body too much when in reality I still do have to leave the house for at least essentials. This post gave a little bit of euphoria maybe to some of us that can’t bind all the time for whatever reason that we still count as men.

Likewise sorry you’re not accepting of any trans guy as acceptable enough for your passing criteria when his experience is not the same as yours and therefore is still a man wearing a dress as much as a cis man would still be a man wearing a dress deserving of the same respect for pronouns and gender identity.

Do people forget people are disabled and binders are actually pretty strenuous to use? For real? Not to mention the people who can’t get them if they have transphobic parents and haven’t found a way to secretly source one yet.

Totally missing the whole point of the post perhaps because you don’t have to worry about these things.

[acornhatsandcats]

Well that’s the seasonal stuff fked over because of the refusal to bother engaging with a family dinner to celebrate the holidays for our 2 year old child..? Eh? I had the list stocked already to go but we needed regular groceries to be delivered still, so it was his job to download a second supermarket app to shop, so I could buy that separately, but weeks on eh? Graces me with doing it and the keeps making excuses not to do it, etc. So. Now. We are All of the vegan/vegetarian main course festive meals and they are now out of stock and I’ve been begging for weeks to put the order in and arrange it like??? And he’s telling me now that I didn’t want to do it (just remarking the stuff he’d done) and I’m like. Are you okay my guy???? I’m trying to keep this together? Is he gaslighting me or perhaps the 2 and now 3 head wounds he’s gotten. Evidently not but I am tired. Very tired. I love him but, I don’t know what to do babe, like he got more compassion crying given cups of tea to him for how he feels about it compared to me just strung out of a car crash, with chronic pain, after the worst birthing of a child I could’ve imagined to the point I nearly died, my son died on the day of his birth and he was resuscitated, this is this first seasonal event he’s going to be properly start remembering things and

[acornhatsandcats]

Okay so misery vent because I don’t have anyone to talk to about it, or I’d feel anxious if I did talk to someone else about it so I’m writing it here bc safe space? Anyway, talking here doesn’t make me anxious.

A lot of things are going on today I wish I could go to, events, siblings 18th birthday in Brighton, a gig, or seeing/not seeing people that were a big part of my life because people I despise and toxic for me would be there as well. And seeing an ex best friend finally go to the thing I spent years doing, blood sweat and tears, not bothering once when I was doing it yet I went to every gig of hers till she moved away and my body wouldn’t let me due to chronic pain, suddenly going to it now I’m not involved, and I feel so confused. This sucks. I can’t cope with friends who suck you dry for their creativity as lovely as it is that they’re creating and should continue, but don’t give an absolute flying f about anything you create and bring you down surrounding it yet expect it. That town was full of mind games and I should be relieved I left and I truly am but… I’m still human and it’s tough. I lived there all my life. And I got it stolen from me from a terrible incident that nearly left me a single parent with a dead partner and whisked away for years to a place I didn’t know in the middle of the night, not even 6 months barely after me and my child nearly died, and friends turned absolutely disgusting over it so I just barred them from my life (the people I despise) so I shut my traumas away, I was yelling at walls anyway. I can’t do any of the things this weekend either that are important. I missed another costume party because I am not up to it today. So I’m totally spiralling for lots of reasons. Going to try do something fun on Monday.

Generally been focusing on doing other things as much as possible to keep myself from breaking, despite finally properly letting it out now, so it’s been a productive day, I’ve done some drawing, and made some homemade chips and halloween style potato shapes, as well as put the acceptably spooky decor up and shared a cool beer with our lovely neighbours that honestly cheer the day up everytime I see them. I’ve never had nice neighbours till now aha!

[acornhatsandcats]

I miss her

[acornhatsandcats]

Miss my little girl

[acornhatsandcats]

Big nasty stomach big do not want to deal with morning toilet problem

[acornhatsandcats]

sensory heaven please

[acornhatsandcats]

some people can be really really horrible and there’s nothing you can really do, I’m very tired

[acornhatsandcats]

🎀🎧🩹 stim board !! ><

[acornhatsandcats]

Working through it with food again. Small yogurt for breakfast. Here we go. I hope I can settle again.

[acornhatsandcats]

The Hobbithouse

© mrs.  g.wood

[acornhatsandcats]

[acornhatsandcats]

— Rokelle Lerner, Affirmations for the Inner Child

[acornhatsandcats]

cat picture overload ☁️

[acornhatsandcats]

🌸

it's okay to feel

bad days, as much as we may like them to be, are not a myth. somedays are such that everything that can go wrong, goes wrong and then some. it's natural to feel low on such days and feel like everything is going wrong in your life.

it's okay to feel that way. it's an emotional response and it's valid. you are allowed to show sadness in response to your suffering.

also remember, that it's possible to feel joy on one such bad day. it may not come easily, but if you feel happy about something on a day that hasn't been great, let yourself laugh it out! afterall, you need all the positive vibes to beat out that sadness.

let yourself feel. be human. be YOU ✨