addictivepsychology - Tumblr blog

[addictivepsychology]

Dreams

Grocery store trips turn into horror

Produce is behind glass

With life size bugs

Digging through the piles

Like monsters

Young girl

Me

Stranded in the middle of the ocean

Bathing suit white one piece

Holding a lock,

That’s anchored to the deep floor

Screaming at myself

Don’t pull it

You don’t know what waits to feel the vibration of that chain

They can smell

The fear

The solitary

Looking around

For the key will be in another

Place entirely

Alone

[addictivepsychology]

Day 29

I think I’m out of ,

I’ll call it an episode

I haven’t been that low in a long time

If ever

That felt crazy

I actually want to leave the house again

I think all the options i can do caused so much excitement and anxiety

I’m taking my iron and multi vitamins now

I ate a full meal

I’m kind of at peace

I need to find myself

I want to hike and go to the zoo

Alone

I was to be surrounded by strangers and my music

Surrounded by new things

I hope that dude texts me

But if he doesn’t

I’m not meant for that

I know I can do anything , now

I beat my score in Tetris, that’s a big deal for me

Sometimes I don’t remember who I am without thinking about other people first

I see husbands and wives be unapologetically themselves

But who would love me for who I am on the inside

Without my body

I don’t think anyone would

But I’ll find out I guess

That’s why I try to stay smaller

Who would dare to love me

I’m a liability

Maybe one day

I’ll open up

I could never open up to you

I thought time would help

But it never did

I want to fully open up

And be stupid and tell all my darkest secrets while someone holds me and says it’s okay

It’s okay to be a shitty person sometimes

But nobody knows me like that

Maybe I like it that way

Because if they did, what would happen

Who would leave

I got home from dinner with my roommates girlfriend

Spaghetti factory for the first time was so good

I’m so glad I’m single

And I can find myself again

I wish I could do it with people who know me fully

But that’s a big ask

Cheers to strangers

[addictivepsychology]

Some days I feel like

I don��t look any different

And that scares me the most

As I’m shrinking

My anxiety is peaking

But confidence is what I’m eating

[addictivepsychology]

Day 27/28

Surprisingly better days

Been painting more and it’s been a light in my life

Pushing through the anxiety

I talked to bi guy on the phone for two hours last night

It was so peaceful and weightless

Sweet and calm

I missed feeling light and calm

Now it’s quiet and lonely

But it’s nice and haunting

I miss the weight of someone sleeping next to me,

Maybe soon that’ll change

I hope you’re okay, but I hope you’re doing good for yourself

Nobody can do it for you, that’s why we grew apart

I can’t do it for you anymore

I get so excited that I get anxious

And it’s so sad that I

Feel like I can do anything now

And I don’t have to

Tell

Anybody

I can do anything at any time

Like I have freedom

Once again

That I fought so hard for at so many points

I dug myself a hole and

Didn’t even know it

I’m so sorry

I lost myself

And I’m so sorry

You did too

And we didn’t know it too well then

But I do now

And you will too

I’ve been working out a lot

I haven’t been eating enough, getting shakes, but

I’m so happy with my body right now

The happiest I’ve been in a long time

I don’t know how I’ll truly be happy with my body

But I’m starting to think about not losing weight anymore

I feel like I’ve been in a constant state of anxiety

My solo trip sent me into an episode

I’ve been off ever since

I’m excited

I’m scared

I’m happy

I’m lonely

When will this go away

I’m sorry

[addictivepsychology]

Step two !

Any suggestions ??

[addictivepsychology]

Day 25?

It’s been awhile.

I’ve had a horrible day, these feelings

It’s like I went backwards

I’m not sleeping

I’m losing weight

I’m loving the way I look

Hating the way I feel

I don’t know why I’m crying again

I just want to feel safe again

Like everything is okay

But it feels like I can’t relax and I can’t stop and I have so much pressure

I got so used to going on your schedule and not doing much that I forgot how to do things

I always did things on my own, but I always had to think of someone else first

Finding myself takes a lot of tears and blood and fighting

I just wish it would happen faster

I want to be out of the house all the time, but I don’t have energy for that anymore

Sometimes I wish I was on drugs so I didn’t have to worry about anemia or potassium or multivitamins

I just want someone to cuddle with

And to tell me everything will be alright

Will it be alright?

I finally have friends and I love them so much, what could I do without them listening to me

I’ve been crazy for days now

Anxiety I’ve never felt before, how can I

How can I not want to leave the house

I need sleep and rest

But how can I rest without telling me that it’s okay

Because it doesn’t feel okay

And I’m living off fumes and adrenaline from outside sources

But that will kill me

Before long

I feel sick

I want to feel normal again, okay again

I’m so happy being alone and single

I’m so happy being on my own schedule

Doing whatever I want

But now I feel like I have to do years worth of stuff I’ve wanted to because you didn’t want to

I’ve started painting again. Almost done cleaning my room finally .

I’m so excited about the upcoming weeks and months

Almost too excited to sleep

I forgot what this felt like

I can do anything

And I’ll do everything

And it will be okay

Please tell me it’ll be okay.

[addictivepsychology]

Step two ❤️

[addictivepsychology]

Step one done!

[addictivepsychology]

Old ikea art someone threw out. Day one of painting over it!

[addictivepsychology]

Day 20/21/22

I think

It’s been a long few days

The best trip I’ve ever had

I really like being alone

Just a little boring but that’s good for me

I met some new people in the hostel

I love the interactions with strangers

I really do fall in love so easily

But that’s not real

I went on a date

It was the best one yet

He opened up which made me open up

Without arguing or guilt

For once

We had a drink and walked , found some interesting things

I can’t wait to have a second date

But I’m not over everything and I don’t know how to feel

I won’t for a long time

But I really like this guy and I hope he sticks around

I don’t want to scare him off

I can’t wait for my next trip in a month

I’ll be counting down the days

To another handful of days of no sleep

Rides, food, and whatever I want

I’m learning to love myself

I guess not learning, just knowing I don’t care about anyone else and it’s not about learning

It’s about just feeling at peace with yourself , that this is what you’ll look like and be forever. Mindswell just take advantage.

It’s difficult to know that I’ll never look different in pictures, sometimes I really hate how I look

A lot of the times I really hate how I look

I still feel guilty

While I’m growing more excited for the next days, you’re still so sad

I just wish I could take it away

But it’s not my responsibility

It’s time to grow

I love myself

But I’m so so sorry

[addictivepsychology]

Day 17/18/19

Tumblr hasn’t worked for days

I slept for two hours on Friday getting to Disneyland

I’m having such a good time

It’s reminding me why our relationship didn’t work

I’m watching all the other couples interact

In better ways

Or hoping

Some girls struggle to get the attention of their person

And I had felt like that

I don’t want my phone

I don��t want the video games

I wanted you

But now I have everything else

I can’t wait for the rest of today, and I miss that

I feel excited again

[addictivepsychology]

Day seventeen

Late

I stayed out late last night on a date

It was okay, wasn’t you

Movie was really good though

Always funny when someone tries to hit on you when there’s a murder happening on tv

I’m just happy for my trip, I leave tomorrow

I can’t wait to meet people and enjoy alone time

I wouldn’t mind if one of my girls was going though

I stayed up too late on purpose

Hopefully I can pass out when I get home

Benadryl or no Benadryl

I had a dream, the emotions were nauseating

I watched someone get abused

And while saving them

They flirted with the abuser

Betrayed and lonely and angry

I was stuck and you were sick

My next dream was you

You put your hand on my back and told me that it’s okay to sleep

Then we were running around and laughing

But I know that it’s just a dream

We would be arguing in real life

A tragedy really

Two good people who fucked it up

I guess it wasn’t meant to be

Maybe one day

But not now

I love you

I’m so so sorry

[addictivepsychology]

Day sixteen

I still for horrible

For what I’ve done

I can’t help but feel fully responsible

And I’m sorry

I feel guilty every day

That I’m okay

And you’re not

But I tried

That’s all I can do

I’m pretty much packed

My room is a tornado with you in it, 6 boxes worth

All my stuff, my whole life brought back

I’m excited for Disneyland

Solo quiet trip

Scary nervous trip

But I’ll never be alone

I want to thank you for all I’ve learned from you and all that I’ve gotten from you

I hope you’ve learned from me to

I hope it helps in your future relationships

I haven’t cried again

Every once in awhile it comes in waves

I miss you in my bed

And in my life

But I can’t make a mistake and jeopardize your emotion

You aren’t a casino

You aren’t a gamble

You’re a winning ticket

But not my winning ticket

I just wish you were

Everything would be

So

Much

Easier

I love you

I miss you

I’m so so sorry

[addictivepsychology]

Day fifteen

I’m meeting someone today

No high hopes

Nothing serious

Because I still miss you

And I still think about you

But I need to leave the house and forget

That’s how I forget

Let time do its thing

It’ll be over before I know it

I’m nervous

For no reason

I hate meeting people

I hate people

Home now and I kept thinking you would come around the corner

I felt I was in our second date

It didn’t feel right

But good and casual conversation

Was enough and all I need

No pressure and fun

I wish I could give that to you right now

I wish you weren’t in pain

But only you can change that

And I’m not responsible

I love you

I miss you

I’m so so sorry

[addictivepsychology]

@addictivepsychology I could send a million different types of things saying how bad he is and how dumb it is to leave you!!

I am sure you have heard it all tho! Just remember tho! He will be the one that looks back a few years from now and will wish he was still your best friend!!! 🥰🥰

lol I left him

[addictivepsychology]

Day fourteen

Officially two weeks

I hope you go out

And meet new friends

And new people

That’s what I’m really sad about today

I feel like it’s not fair that I made friends and you didn’t

I made you my boyfriend

But you made me your whole life

I’m unpacking all my stuff from your house and finding more petty things

But whatever

They’ll be in a box for when you’re better

I’m excited for my trip this weekend

I have so much to do this week

Packing

Lose weight

Be nervous

And scared

Be sad and lonely

I wish I could talk to you sometimes

But it’s better this way

I miss you

A lot

We were so comfortable, but I wasn’t

I couldn’t be my full self

It would scare you

I keep wishing we could take your pain away

But I can’t

I can just make someone else hurt less

And I hope someone takes your pain away

No matter what that looks like

I love you

And in so so so sorry

[addictivepsychology]

Day thirteen

Finally in the teens

I cried a little today

Texting your mom

“We will always be here for you sweetie, you know that right?”

I don’t deserve it

You scared me today

You said long night last night and bought fudge

Nobody else knows what that means

So I asked your mom if you’re sober

We can never know

Just hope

But you didn’t leave the house

But you should’ve

You make friends so easy

Everyone loves you

And you’re so naturally caring

But I don’t need a caregiver

I need a partner

Someone who won’t pressure my girls night out

Someone who doesn’t make me anxious

Who I’m confident will take care of anything

Of me

But nobody knows me like that

I ate Taco Bell for a friends birthday today

We were so obnoxious

But it felt nice

Child like

Again

They drank

I didn’t

I like being sober

In control

Still fun

Then karaoke

I’m more confident now

You’d be proud

I couldn’t hold a mic without anxiety before

Now I proudly held it in front of 5 of my girls

It was so fun

We put in the queue, a song you love and we learned together

But ironically it got skipped

For the more important things like

Time and equality

I miss singing so much

You said we would record together

But you never asked

I thought you were annoyed of me

I’m so so sorry

I love you