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Illustration by David Wright, 1940s

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Illustration by Daniel Horowitz

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Italian poster (details) for Le frisson des vampires or The Shiver of the Vampires, Jean Rollin, 1971.

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Abusive adults always expect children to be 3 times more polite, respectful, patient, empathic and understanding than other adults, or even themselves. They will go and joyfully punish children for tiny details like „not showing enough respect“ or „annoying someone for a few moments too long“ or „not being invisible and quiet enough in a mind-numbing situation“. At the same time, they let themselves act rude, selfish, disrespectful, impatient, forceful, violent and inconsiderate as possible; children will be punished for even mimicking their behaviour.

This is biologically backwards because children have very little impulse control, because they shouldn’t need it. Children operate on 5 needs and 4 impulses and thats it, they have to go figure themselves, and the world out, they’re supposed to be exploring all of their options, trying to see what makes their needs met and what impulses are good to follow. One of their most important traits is that they’re supposed to be focused on themselves and not self-conscious about how they’re affecting everything and everyone else. They need this to develop, they need to be able to fight and kick and scream and defend themselves against anyone, they need to know they can, to build their defenses and boundaries and sense of self and their own value in the world.

When you punish children for developing their basic human traits you’re trauma conditioning them to stop developing, to stop having needs and impulses and stop trying to figure anything out because it’s not safe, because they’re being watched by a dangerous sicko ready to hurt them at any sign of displeasure. You force them to forego their own growing up and focus only on you and on avoiding being hurt worse and worse by sacrificing parts of their own personality and well being. It’s not only selfish and despicable, it’s taking away from children’s lives only for sick satisfaction of being feared and getting a sense of power over a small, vulnerable human you don’t allow to grow up safely.

And why on earth should it matter anyway if children are rude? Tell me what world is resting on the shoulders of a 4 year old being polite. Maybe you should fight to protect the climate instead; maybe you should be working to end capitalism; maybe, you should be building a world where children will be able to grow up without the danger being enslaved, trafficked, sold and forced into labor; maybe you should look elsewhere than behaviour of children when you think something is wrong with the world. How children cope is only a symptom of what we’ve done to them.

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Traits of Narcissistic Mothers: Deniability

Everything [the narcissistic mother] does is deniable. There is always a facile excuse or an explanation. Cruelties are couched in loving terms. Aggressive and hostile acts are paraded as thoughtfulness. Selfish manipulations are presented as gifts. Criticism and slander is slyly disguised as concern. She only wants what is best for you. She only wants to help you.

She rarely says right out that she thinks you’re inadequate. Instead, any time that you tell her you’ve done something good, she counters with something your sibling did that was better or she simply ignores you or she hears you out without saying anything, then in a short time does something cruel to you so you understand not to get above yourself. She will carefully separate cause (your joy in your accomplishment) from effect (refusing to let you borrow the car to go to the awards ceremony) by enough time that someone who didn’t live through her abuse would never believe the connection.

Many of her putdowns are simply by comparison. She’ll talk about how wonderful someone else is or what a wonderful job they did on something you’ve also done or how highly she thinks of them. The contrast is left up to you. She has let you know that you’re no good without saying a word.

She’ll spoil your pleasure in something by simply congratulating you for it in an angry, envious voice that conveys how unhappy she is, again, completely deniably. It is impossible to confront someone over their tone of voice, their demeanor or they way they look at you, but once your narcissistic mother has you trained, she can promise terrible punishment without a word. As a result, you’re always afraid, always in the wrong, and can never exactly put your finger on why.

Because her abusiveness is part of a lifelong campaign of control and because she is careful to rationalize her abuse, it is extremely difficult to explain to other people what is so bad about her.

She’s also careful about when and how she engages in her abuses. She’s very secretive, a characteristic of almost all abusers (“Don’t wash our dirty laundry in public!”) and will punish you for telling anyone else what she’s done. The times and locations of her worst abuses are carefully chosen so that no one who might intervene will hear or see her bad behavior, and she will seem like a completely different person in public.

She’ll slam you to other people, but will always embed her devaluing nuggets of snide gossip in protestations of concern, love and understanding (“I feel so sorry for poor Cynthia. She always seems to have such a hard time, but I just don’t know what I can do for her!”) As a consequence the children of narcissists universally report that no one believes them (“I have to tell you that she always talks about YOU in the most caring way!). Unfortunately therapists, given the deniable actions of the narcissist and eager to defend a fellow parent, will often jump to the narcissist’s defense as well, reinforcing your sense of isolation and helplessness ("I’m sure she didn’t mean it like that!”)

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Why do adults always have to be nasty and cruel and give themselves right to punish children and then instead of admitting guilt they’re like “thats life” but when the children are cold, pissed, unforgiving and unloving, then it’s like “oh no you can’t blame me for that it hurts me wah wah you have to love the poor me” because I’m pretty sure that being held accountable for your own actions and suffering the consequences is in fact, life.

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abusive parents will act like most selfish, spoiled, tantrum-throwing children and then insist on their children acting like adults

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26 Things Adults Do Who Have Experienced Childhood Emotional Abuse

There’s a lot of compelling research being done lately about how the way we grew up affects our behavior as adults. Studies have linked childhood trauma, for example, to increased levels of alcoholism and depression in adults.

Keep reading

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“Oh We’re Teasing You”

Sound familiar? It’s the sound of a mentally and emotionally abusive parent justifying their berating of you in front of others.

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Being abused made me such a “good kid.”

I was

Always polite

Never acted without permission

Never spoke out of turn

Always did what I was told

And it’s shitty that I was considered mature and praised for those things, and all of those characteristics have translated into me being an immature, “bad adult.”

Now I

Have difficulty making a keeping friends

Can’t act without permission/am dependent on others for direction

Am terrible at communicating

Have no agency/personal compass

It’s a really difficult thing for people who were abused as children to grapple with. What made us good children make us bad adults.

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Recognizing Abuse Masterlist

Signs that you’re living in abuse:

Behavioral patterns of living in abuse

Was I abused? Checklist

Not knowing you are a victim

Signs your family is abusive

Making excuses for your abusive parents

Experience of living in secrecy

What they taught you was abuse

Emotional experiences of living in abuse

Shame and guilt: how abused children feel

What makes parents abusers (actions)

Have I been manipulated into believing abuse was my fault? Checklist

Am I being held hostage by abusers? Checklist

You are not allowed to mention the past

Why you still love abusive parents

Parental behaviour that isn’t normal

Shit parents aren’t supposed to say to you

Experience of “not belonging anywhere”

Red flags for abusive parents

Healthy vs Abusive Chores

Was my childhood abusive or just had some bad parts?

Rules always change (unpredictable environment is abusive)

Breakdown of abusive parent’s behaviour:

“This is my house” rule

Start living in the real life!

Why all the children aren’t abused equally in an abusive home

Common abuser hypocrisies

Do your parents want you to be happy or look happy?

Why do they try to convince you that you’re worthless

Why do they pretend you’re a burden? Controlling behaviour

Why your abusers are not good people

Abusive parents are keeping you in false hope they’ll change

Are your parents preventing you from succeeding?

Abusive parents pretending “it wasn’t that bad”

Double Bind (why every choice you make ends wrong)

Incorporating trauma in raising children

Abusers will not allow you to call them out on abuse

Signs your parents are narcissistic:

Stuff delusional narcissists say

Shit narcissistis parents say

Recognizing emotional immaturity of narcissistic parents

Examples of narcissistic behaviours

Being punished for growing up by narcissistic parents

What children of narcissists go thru

Signs you’ve been thru sexual abuse:

CSA (Childhood Sexual Abuse) Symptoms

Signs you might have endured CSA

Was I sexually abused by adults as a child? Checklist

Signs of abusive friendship/relationship:

How to tell if a friend is not a friend

Am I in an abusive relationship/friendship? Checklist

Manufacturing insecurities

Red flags for abusers

Have I been thru social abuse? Checklist

You can recognize abusers by how they make you feel

How abusive childhood teaches you to stay in abusive relationships

Recognizing abusive friendship

Signs you’re struggling with trauma

Trauma processing information

Experiences of traumatized children

Signs you’re recovering from long term abuse

Things abuse survivors think/say

Thoughts of victims of child abuse

Your brain on trauma

How long term childhood abuse develops into complex trauma (comic)

Ups and downs of trauma

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Stand strong. Protect yourself, and make no apologies. They made it necessary for you to go “No Contact”.

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Common experiences with abusive mom:

hyper fixates on your appearance, constantly makes you incredibly self-aware of how you look and what others are thinking of you

compares you to other people, to show you what you should be more like (or look more like), making you feel like you’re the only worthless person

tries to control and micromanage your appearance, threatens you with missing out this and that if you don’t look up to her standards

uses you as emotional and psychological support

tells you how you are the only one who understands and loves her, forcing you to bear the burden of living as her “support system”

constantly makes you feel guilty for everything that is happening to her, makes you feel as if you owe her to make the world a bearable place for her

shares traumatic stories from her past that you are too young to understand and react to, expects unconditional emotional support and therapy from you even when you are a child

if the dad is abusive too, accuses you of being “just like him” or tells you that you remind her of him when she lashes out on you

also if father or another person is abusing you, she stands on their side or just pretends not to see or notice it’s going on, later tells you it’s your fault

silences your opinions with “you don’t know anything”

shows exaggerated concern for you for purpose of controlling where you go and what you do, makes you feel obliged to avoid certain places or situations so “she wouldn’t worry” but it extends to stuff you would usually be able to do safely, like hanging out with friends or traveling or having a social life

forces you to center her well being and her happiness more than your own and if you do anything for your own good, you will be called out for not thinking of her first

doesn’t feel responsible for providing you with decent meals or wardrobe, doesn’t notice when you’re hungry or lacking in basic resources, but lashes out at you if anyone else notices for “embarrassing her”

or alternatively, is crazy controlling over when you’re allowed to eat, what you’re allowed to eat, and what resources you are allowed to have

pushes you into interests and activities she wants you to have, disregards and criticizes everything you do that she doesn’t like

her behavior towards you changes in public, she becomes must more concerned over how other people perceive her relationship to you, is generally nicer if other people are listening

feigns concern towards you in front of others, in private keeps telling you how you’ll never make anything out of yourself

tries very hard to keep you at home forever if possible, refuses to teach you basic life skills, denies you resources you need to learn how to make something on your own, convinces you that you are in fact, helpless and incapable of survival without her, insists that you be dependent on her

breaks into your privacy, demands sensitive information about your relationships, conversations and thoughts, everything you do not feel comfortable about telling her because you know she’ll use it against you

accuses you of being a failure as a child, for being “heartless” and not caring about her at all, reminds you of everything she’s been thru only to raise you, talks as if she sacrificed herself for you

has periods where she doesn’t seem to even notice you, then in other times is completely obsessed with you and wont let you out of her sight

acts aggressive at times but always with pretense that her violence doesn’t count because she’s not physically able to seriously injure you, disregards all psychological and mental wounds of being assaulted and hurt by your own mother

acts like you’re an extension of her and have no existence or life of your own, refuses to accept any individuality and tries to prevent you from growing up and becoming your own person

makes you feel too guilty to say no to her, uses every social convention to make you feel as if you’re using and discarding your poor mother when all you want is to create a single boundary

refuses to acknowledge any of your successes but brings up your failures as a proof that nothing will ever become of you

insists over and over again that all she does is out of concern and love