akt1n4

[akt1n4]

Call it Fate, Call it Karma

I would drown in this, willingly,

have it take my last breath, as it engulfs me

[akt1n4]

It has already gone way too far...

Webtoon + Instagram + Patreon

[akt1n4]

i'm in need of a hug, and a lull to sleep

[akt1n4]

I want to feel needed.

[akt1n4]

You get this feeling of your heart racing when reading some novel or manga, your heart racing, not because of the content of what you read, but by the prospect of finding something that might excite.

But it is this feeling that exactly undermines the excitement, like, I feel palpitations, but don't get the dose of endorphins (or dopamines) you'd get when you're calm and in the "mood" to read a certain genre, like, when reading some hurt/comfort, you'd be already depressed about something, want to feel pain physically when reading the pain in the story which kind of resonates with you, and the pain in the novel is because of physical pain of one protagonist from the other, but the protagonist still feeling comfort in this because that physical pain covers up the emotional pain they have due to some other stuff (i expect it to not be heartbreak, like, the protagonist must like the one giving the physical pain, with consent). That feeling is divine, and makes your heart race.

[akt1n4]

It's 4 am and I don't feel sleepy.

I feel empty, which I mistook for being horny, which i now believe I was not. No effect after doing that chore. Just wasted quite an amount of time looking for 'text resources'.

I'm already sleep deprived this week. Still I couldn't get myself to sleep. I feel alone and empty(?). The thought that no one would love me, and which gets intense after reading a variety of romance fics, of every kind.

I started reading romances to fill up the "hole in my heart" or gut in my high school days. Read so much (nonsenses) that it further dug a deeper hole in my gut (yes, gut. I'm heartless, baby). Made me more angst or inferior of myself or something. At times, I'm numb to any feelings, but at weirdly random moments, I feel so lonely like, it gets me in daze.

Fml

[akt1n4]

“We don't fall in love with people because they're good people. We fall in love with people whose darkness we recognise. You can fall in love with a person for all of the right reasons, but that kind of love can still fall apart. But when you fall in love with a person because your monsters have found a home in them- that's the kind of love that owns your skin and bones. Love, I am convinced, is found in the darkness. It is the candle in the night.”

— C. JoyBell C.

[akt1n4]

Was browsing pinterest, and came across a few pins of Rascal Does Not Dream of Bunny Girl Senpai.

....

Damn, I love both these characters. Like, so awesome. The protag, Sakuta, I really love his character, like, he's really subtle. It's like he's mature but still a pervert. His spontaneous words, most of the time pitting the heroine to get "angry" at him for being that clingy, or not clingy, more like, he expresses his "want" for the heroine wherever he gets the opportunity.

And Mai senpai's reactions are so damn cool and cute as well. Really love this pair. Love their relationship dynamics.

Sad that it won't happen to me

[akt1n4]

I read the fic till where it was written.

So far I like it. Even though Draco is being overall kind, I feel that it doesn't feel disharmony with the character. Like, in this fic, he's around 30, and he feels rude, but is soft, it just shows he matured, unlike the teen Draco who is full of thorns. I feel like I'm disagreeing with my previous rant, but the character growth of Draco felt smooth. I didn't find it particularly revolting. Maybe because Hermione is being an even more bitchy that I ignore Draco being kind, or it is just smooth character development.

The fic is nice, it would've been satisfying if it was completed, as I binge read novels.

fic: Strength Blooms in the Break by LadyUrsa in ao3

[akt1n4]

Because Draco Malfoy was a better person than she was.

<the irony>

-- 1st POV of Hermione Granger in Strength Blooms in the Break by LadyUrsa (ao3)

[akt1n4]

And if he was doing it because he gave a fuck, that meant that she was the arsehole for endlessly being a bitch to him, and she wasn’t going to live in a world where Draco fucking Malfoy was the better person of the two of them.

-- 1st POV of Hermione Granger in Strength Blooms in the Break by LadyUrsa (ao3)

[akt1n4]

I am reading this dramione fic, and it is so fking awesome.

I don't read much dramione, even though I love dramione, because of the dynamics. I want Hermione to be crazy. Not the right wording. I want Hermione to be not-goody-two-shoes. I want her to be selfish and like, powerful (idk exactly). Many dramione I come across potray her as very nice (as she really is, I'm just dark, idk, I want Hermione to be black hearted too). Even Hermione is fine, but Draco. Really mates. Like, Draco is bitchy. That's the definition of Draco. He's so full of thorns. Maybe he's vulnerable (depends on the author's talent to express it in a right way). But in many fics, Draco becomes a good softy. Meh.

What I love about this ship is Draco being rude and bitchy, but still Hermione loving him and keeping him under her control. More like, even if Draco is a bitch, he's Hermione's bitch.

Anyways, this dramione fic I am reading now, kinda seems to be my cup of coffee (just had one irl).

Will gush about it after reading till I am satisfied.

[akt1n4]

Messing with dramione rn.

I should be studying.

Questioning my life choices.

[akt1n4]

ahhh.

so difficult, i am feeling distracted.

and as a result, i am here.

[akt1n4]

i feel so frustrated.

i don't understand what is happening with my life.

i want to have control of my life.

i also feel that my grammar and vocabulary is shitty.

why is this happening to me.

i feel so lonely, i don't know what to do with myself anymore.

[akt1n4]

I have a lots to read, and I find myself getting very distracted.

So distracted that I wish to read some smut to, idk, free my mind (? like, seriously ??).

I don't understand me anymore.

[akt1n4]

life is hard

have to study

why !!

its sad