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LAST ACADEMIC YEAR: I’M CONFUSED

I’ve learned to accept that the program I chose to commit in college is not an easy one. In fact, there were rankings, although unofficial, that states it’s board examination is the third hardest in the country. Yet for the challenge and the future vision of work that I had in my head, I pursued it and even transferred to another school, which, for me, is better in preparing me to be the best physical therapist that I can be.

I had always wanted to be competent and excellent in what I do. This desire is bounded by the saying, “Chase excellence and success will come running right at you,” from the movie The Three Idiots. I had already planted in my head that prayer, hard work, diligence, and perseverance can conquer every trial that I might encounter in this journey.

Incoming second year college, I left the comfort of my hometown and moved to a completely different city that although not that big of a city, is still foreign to me. I didn’t have a family here and so I stayed in the school’s dormitory, and friends became my family. I had a taste of pressure from highly expectant instructors but I haven’t felt that much pressure and challenge until the second semester. Anatomy and physiology subject has put through a lot of all-nighters. But, even though it was tiring for me, I was satisfied because the efforts that I made were reflected on my score in every quiz that we had. I was able to learn and I was able to enjoy it at the same time.

Came third year, the most difficult as they say, it became so much of a challenge. Time became my number one enemy because my class would start at 7:30 in the morning then end at 7:30 in the evening. I was already so drained every time I arrive at night, and so studying for the exam the next day became so much of a challenge. I hardly get enough sleep because of tons of things to study for the quizzes the next day. And so that became a routine for that whole semester. Go to class, eat, study, and repeat.

I got not much problem for some of my subjects but Pathology, PT2, and Physiology were my greatest struggle. Pathology became so difficult for me since my instructor seldom discussed and then gave quizzes right away. I struggled with physiology because it was really a difficult subject although it was a good thing that my instructor was good in explaining. But still, there were questions during the exams that were not part of the discussion. The supposed to be easiest subject PT2, became so much of a struggle because of so much demand from my instructor. We were asked to pass many requirements from algorithms to video presentations. This was supposed to be a skill-based subject but demonstrations were seldom and there were no procedural handouts given. I was left with no choice but to research for procedures from books, which turned out to be different from what my instructor wanted.

The first semester ended and I was nervous for the results of my final grades. It wasn’t very satisfactory on my part because my efforts were not reflected on my grade. I had given it my best but the result was not what I wanted. And so I promised myself to do better in the second semester, the most difficult semester.

Second semester came and I started to undergo this problem-based learning method, implemented by the Physical Therapy Department. In this type of curriculum, the class got divided into groups and was given advisers coming from the faculty. I happened to be under the supervision of my dean. So, students did the discussions, and those weren’t clear discussions because even the reporter cannot understand his/her own report.

I’d say that I had much more free time than I had in the first semester. I didn’t have daily quizzes anymore and modular exams happened once a week only. Seemed like a good news but I actually sacrificed my score because I seldom pass my modular exams. Out of the five subjects integrated, it was only Anatomy that I get to pass most. I knew that my 2nd semester subjects are highly relevant as foundation for the PT program but I wasn’t really able to have an in-depth understanding of most of my subjects especially Kinesiology and Thera-Ex1. Even the basic principles of these subjects were not properly discussed. Until now, I do not know if my understanding of these principles is right, or I had a wrong assumption. It became an effort-base semester since scores became not much of a basis on assuming whether someone will pass or not. It was more of how much effort our adviser can see from us. A lot of significant topics got neglected. Even the myotomes and dermatomes were not properly discussed. I don’t even remember those topics now.

And so my last semester in third year ended. I don’t know if I was able to learn or nothing at all. My grades weren’t that bad but still, it pained me. Because the knowledge that I could estimate I was able retain, cannot sum up to my final grade. I learned so little.

Last academic year: the fourth year. Again, as I always do before the start of each semester, I want to do better than the last semester. I swore to myself that I would pass every modular exam that I will have. But, again, it never happened. Again and again, I barely pass my modular exams. Our first modular exam was all about cardiac conditions and I only passed one subject, Seminar 1. I blamed it to myself because I wasn’t able to read all the references. Arterial conditions came and I made sure I read all the references, but then, I didn’t even understand the questions. Some I thought I got them right but turned out to have a totally different answer. My instructor didn’t even consider my answer. The next time around, I did the same thing but I as I read the questions, they were so foreign to me. We weren’t able to discuss any of those. I wasn’t able to read any of those during my independent study. And so more modular exams came, and more failures I garnered. I was so disappointed. And I couldn’t pinpoint to whom should I be disappointed: to myself, or to my instructors.

I did my part. I studied the references. I studied 5 books. Although I cannot assure that everything I read retained, I knew to myself that I learned. Each reference presented different details, different word and presentations, but same thought. And yet, my answers with the same thought to the answers from the answer key were not considered. I studied a vast number of references that I do not know which from these references I should focus on. My brain is not a super computer that can sum-up every detail from every reference that I read. There were times when my answer was from this reference but my instructor’s answer was from another reference. Right now, all I can say is that I do not understand at all. Can’t my classmates, and I be provided with the same information? Can’t we be given basis as to which books we should read? Can’t we be given handouts for a specific topic?

All I wish right now is to go back to the traditional lecture. I understand more that way. I got to learn more that way. I’ve wasted so much time, two semesters, not learning solid facts and principles but just assuming based on what I think is what it meant. As I see myself reviewing for my board examinations later, I see a confused me. I see me at a disadvantage. I feel like crying every time I try to evaluate my learning. Everything is an assumption for me right now. Aren’t students supposed to be guided? I feel so lost, without any direction and I know that I am not supposed to feel this especially on my fourth year, a very critical year with subjects highly necessary for the board examination. I feel like I am learning to be a physical therapist all by myself. I feel like I am not getting the most of my very expensive tuition fee.

The effect of this way of learning is a gamble. The result of the board exam of the batch before mine will be the basis of what the effect of this type of learning is since they were the first batch to undergo PBL. There are just so much to consider and I think that in this case, students like me are of disadvantage. We do the effort of making presentations, studying for discussion, passing requirements, and then what we get in return is not much of a significant.

I am ending this by saying that change sometimes is unnecessary, especially if the previous way has already been proven effective.

God Bless batch 2019.

[allundermyname-blog]

Ailee is slayin’ this song.

PS: Ailee is the 2nd singer there.

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They’re lit!

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Why I’ve Been on Hiatus for More Than A Year?

Blame it to the dormitory I’m staying. (insert peace sign)

So here it goes. 

Year 2015, I have been active on Tumblr and I even had my friend Nikka (nikkacruz.tumblr.com) revamped my blog’s theme cause I didn’t know any of those codes and other stuff. But then…. This dormitory that I was staying, had their wifi network or whatever you may call it, block sites that could come between the students and studies. And yes, it included Tumblr! I know, I know. There’s just no way. But this was just the start.

November 2015, I was on the 2nd semester of my 2nd year in the PT program and I got the first difficult subject to deal with. Thanks to that subject, which is Anatomy1 by the way, I got completely out of the zone. Which was a shame because I got really good pictures during that time. A lot of them! And with my friends! sad emoji here Anyways, it was all done and I got past that depressing stage. I don’t know where those pictures are right now because I changed laptops and it was difficult for me to sync my iPhone with my Acer V5. (crying emoji here.)

So…. June came! And I got a LOT busier! I have never been in so much sleepless nights than during that semester. Getting into 3rd year in the Physical Therapy program is your worst nightmare! I got a loaded schedule and I only got a goodnight’s sleep during Saturday night, Sunday night, and sometimes Wednesday night. And the rest of the week, a full-blast two-three hours sleep only; which was already so good than during exam days wherein you’re lucky if you get an hour of sleep. I had that life for five freaking months! It was actually a boring semester. All study and with same people. You know, I only live once and I made an oath to never extend my timetable as a student beyond the timetable of my program, so I better do the things that I have to do the best way I can. I got past that now, passing all of my subjects, so I went on with the 2nd semester of 3rd year.

PBL. You know what that is? Problem-based learning. That was the approach our faculty used for us, 3rd year and also for the 4th year students. It was so tedious! Okay, we don’t have quizzes everyday and I don’t have to stay up late to study every night because of our quizzes the next day, but bummer, it was a lot tedious! So this was what happened. 

We were divided into four groups, each under one mentor. I got lucky because I got under our Dean’s mentorship! And our group had really cool people in it. I’m not going to elaborate much about my PBL group because I’ll be posting a different article about my group, the DENISE-O-LOGY, soon. So all we did this semester was do small-group discussions. But in these SGDs, we were the ones discussing, and we had to make our powerpoint presentations every single night! And we had to do it right because our mentor and group mates are going to ask questions during the discussion. Although tedious, I consider it way better than just sitting in class and listening without really understanding so much. In my case, last semester, when I listen to a three-hour lecture, I only remember less than 10 things that my teacher had said because I was sleepy the whole time. But during SGD, you get to understand and remember a lot more, especially if you get the longest and most difficult task. About the quizzes, well, we have modular exams, which comprise of five subjects. So during our modular exam day, which is basically just half-day, we have 5 exams! “Very difficult”, as our Dean say. 

In my case, I worry of my grades. I only stay up very late at night once a week, the night before our weekly modular exam. But there’s no guarantee that I will pass or have good grades because, people, that was 5 exams to study in one night! Come on, you can’t study that much in one night. For this semester, it’s a matter of reading the mind of whoever’s going to make the exam for that subject and doing your best in selective reading. 

So yeah, a lot has been going on in my life and I just finished all of my exams yesterday. Which was the reason why I get to have time to write and hopefully be active in Tumblr again. Now, my schedule’s cleared up and I got my MacBook Pro back in my hands, I just wish that I get the least pestering from school the whole summer so I can be active in blogging again. And the blocked sites are not blocked anymore, and, the internet connection here is getting faster because most students went home already and only a few of us are using the internet. Daebak! Also, I still have to get a new phone because my phone got broken. I really need it to take pictures and update. Also, respond on which phone I should be getting, okay? Still saving for it though. All love, Kim

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A 28-Year Old Woman’s Letter to Her The One

I have one vacancy and I wanted you to know  That you’re the one designed for me A distant stranger that I will complete  I know you’re out there we’re meant to be So keep your head down And MAKE IT TO ME

Sam Smith’s song, Make it to Me, burst through my car’s stereo as I drove to work early Monday morning. The traffic is heavy and I’m actually running late. This song has been my favorite since I celebrated my 28th birthday last month, to give me hope that I wouldn’t have to wait more years to meet you. You see, 28’s a number. I’m not getting any younger and until now I still haven’t met you. Or shall I say, I haven’t ‘found you’ is the best way to express it. And mind you, I have opened all the doors in my life for you since I was 16. 

I don’t know what’s with you that I have to look for you thoroughly. For the past 28 years of my life, I have been looking for you. Yet, still no sign. You’re not that much though, but you’re really hard to find. Harder to find than my favorite dress all along the shops of Rodeo Drive. You’re just a dark-haired, bedimpled moreno guy who is gorgeous with your wit and has more brains than brawns. Just as I don’t want to settle for less, I am also not a quitter. But this time, forgive me for saying this, “Yes, I wouldn’t close my doors for you, but I am not going to look for you anymore. Grant me one wish and please make it to me.”

It’s just that I have been waiting for you for such a long time. I have been looking for you for such a long time. Please let me rest. So that when you come, I’ll be a whole person capable of loving you wholeheartedly and accepting you; not only for the things I love about you, but also for the things I hate about you.

I would like to quote stanzas from Lang Leav’s, When:

Remember this and only this, if nothing else you can recall –  There was a life a girl once led,   where you were loved the most of all.

If ever you  wouldn’t come, I would still be happy. Happy for you and the life you chose to take instead of a life with me. All I want you to do is remember or think, even at the  back of your mind, even when you think it’s all surreal: that there’s someone here, waiting for you to make your way to her whether you come, or not. And that someone is me.

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This is lit! My friend, Shella, mentioned this song to me and so I searched it on youtube. Reaction? “IS THAT CL? WOW!”

Hey, you, get off my cloud You don't know me, and you don't know my style Gettin' lifted, never coming down

This girl slays big time!

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(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ENDHjsBpQMw)

This, for me, is the best version of this song. It wasn’t her best performance but she still killed it. Check out more of her on youtube.

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A Sweet Reward

 Hey gal, finals is over, let’s go!

 It’s a bittersweet feeling now that the finals is done. I’m dead worried about the outcome, but happy at the same time now that finally, I had gotten over it. After all the sleepless nights and brain-bleeding study hours, it’s the time of the semester to go out and enjoy a good serving of ice cream or whatever you want to have.

 It was a failed date, actually. My roommate, Marian, and I were supposed to go out that Friday afternoon to treat ourselves for the hard work of waking up at 1 am to study. But sad to say, it was their MedTech Day celebration. Unhappy with the thought of being left alone at the dorm, I picked up my bag and went to Nummies Sweet Shop. Craving for ice cream, I ordered my all-time favorite Cookies and Cream flavored ice cream.

 It’s not a bad thing for students like us to have a good time once in a while. We just have to know ‘when’ to have that good time. Timing, as in all other things, has to be perfect. In my case, my number one destination when I say I’ll go out is a café. I love sweets. And I love the feeling of relaxation that cafés give me. I love going around looking for a peaceful place with a really nice ambiance.

 I know you might be having second thoughts about celebrating because of one obvious perk: results.  In college, I say, there are only two outcomes students are wary off: pass, or fail. Anxiousness sets in when grades are being distributed. Sweaty palms, cold hands, and thumping heart. You yourself know where you’ll land. Will you advance to the next game or spend another five months going through the same painful thing again?

 You know when I was in high school, I was a very grade conscious student. My mind set was, “STUDIES!” Then I realized that I was being left behind. My classmates have been enjoying themselves while I was stuck in my room, facing books, turning from page to page.

 When it comes to studies, it has to be 50-50. 50% faith, 50% hard work. How strong your faith is, should be how much hard work you have to exert.

 It might be hard to cope up with the fact that pass, or fail, treat yourself; but you should. When you pass, treat yourself for a job well done. When you fail, treat yourself to having courage and discipline the next time around, ‘coz whatever you say, you failed and you have to take that course again.

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THE LEGACY

 Six straight championships, which sum up to two consecutive grand slam titles, is crazy as it is overwhelming. Saint Vincent’s College High School Pep Squad has it all: from talented dancers and choreographers, to supportive advisers, to a jaw-dropping routine. It is without doubt a title that SVC has for such a long time, and a legacy they’ve marked in Dahunog Cheer dance Competition.

 Looking back to the years, although with different themes year by year, the squad has always held the same values: obedience, respect, discipline, humility, and faith. It is not just a group; it is a family. A generation of risk takers who would not mind all the pains and sacrifices, but concentrated on the passion and the beauty of performing and camaraderie, and the desire of winning AS A TEAM.

 You see, during my time in the squad, a huge pressure was placed upon our shoulders. We just got our first-ever grand slam title, and a lot were expecting from us. Not all of us were dancers, and there was only one who already had an experience. The rest of us, we were new in the field we chose to take. During the briefing pre first practice, when asked if we can really do it, we answered, “Yes.” But then again, there is no victory without struggles. There is no triumph without failure. And as the cliché goes: NO PAIN, NO GAIN.

 Our choreographer almost lost hope in us. We were told that ours was the worst batch. It hurts because in ourselves, we know it’s the truth. And we just don’t want to accept it just like that. We cannot tolerate the fact that we might lose. The painful words, we took them as our motivation. We shared tears, like how we shared water during breaks. We shared the gratifying success of our efforts just as how we shared the comfort of a space to sleep in.

 As I watched the squad for the past two years after my time, and see how motivated and fired up they’ve got, I said to myself, “This is it.” There is finally the ‘it’ feeling that the squad of today got from the generations before them. The inner most feeling of guarantee that after the hardships is a sweet victory. It all started from the first win, passed on to the next, and to the next, and to the next. It is a never-ending legacy.

 SVC Pep Squad, we’ve made our mark!

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An Open Letter to the Guy I Secretly Like

 I was starstruck. Is this an angel I’m seeing before me, or the delusion of making my imaginary prince charming come to life? Either ways, it’s all impossible, I know. But can you blame me? I, who started as a silly girl believing in fairytales and masked warriors, saving damsels in distress; of breath-taking princes sweeping princesses of their feet. I, whom in sixth grade, believed that guys who play basketball are cool. I, whom during junior year, eventually dreamed of being with that geeky yet cool math wizard senior guy. I, whom as of now, am hoping to be noticed by you, mister.

Is this really me or my alter ego? I don’t really usually feel shy to approach a guy, or anybody for that matter, and start a conversation, you know. But why is it that in front of you, I eventually get tongue-tied; that I still need a few moments to get all my thoughts together to speak to you without stuttering foolishly? Why is it that my genuine witty words seem to abandon me whenever I see that be-dimpled smile of yours? Is it just me or do you really have that effect to everyone – which I hope is not the case? I always try to look for answers to millions of unanswered questions in my head pertaining to you.  And mind you, I found none. I am totally mesmerized, mister.

I like you. I like the way you walk in such a manner as if you own the world. I like the way you utter letter “s” in such a cute, unique way. I like the way you smile to everyone – of course including me, so warmly. I like the way you run your fingers through that awfully sexy hair of yours. I like the way you put your thoughts into words. I like the way you talk in a very smart way. I like the way you bravely took every opportunity that came your way. I like those imperfections that make you perfect in my eyes. I like you that I’m afraid that you might be afraid of me too.

We were not classmates or in an obvious case, officemates. I don’t even know if you know me but yes, we’ve met. Five times? Four times? I guess that’s it. No more, no less. I don’t even know if you even consider me as an acquaintance. We’ve talked – I mean, you’d asked some questions before, yes. I’ve been introduced to you before, yes. I even have pictures with you – two pictures, supposed to be three but the last one got deleted (I cried about it, by the way). But again I don’t know if you remembered, or if you even put it into mind whenever I got those chances to be near you. Oh and, we’re Facebook friends, by the way.

Anyway, I want you to know that you’ve been a very good inspiration for me. Unknowingly, you are influencing me in such a way nobody ever did. You made me realize that we only regret the chances we didn’t take. You inspired me to be passionate to those things that I know I have the inclination and capability to do. You opened up my mind to believe that age doesn’t matter in fulfilling and being better to what I do. You have been my stress reliever, too. Thank you.

I don’t know how you’re going to see this. I don’t know how you’ll react to this. I don’t know if you already have a hint of who I am. Again, I like you, and I don’t know where this feeling would take me. I don’t know how long it’s going to last. I am not ashamed to write it over and over, anyway. I’m young and everything’s still an uncertainty. We’ll see each other soon – surely we’ll bump into each other in one of those cafes nearby. Oh, and please don’t get the wrong idea. I am not asking you to like me too – but sure I’ll be happy if you write back your thoughts about this. I know you can’t return the feelings I have for you but just let me like you – from a distance, as of now.

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#BFF

 Friends. A friend. Pluralized or otherwise, they both hold the same meaning.

 For the past years in my life, I’ve met a lot of people; people who taught me a things about life. These people, although I didn’t have good experience with them all, have contributed at some point, to molding the person who I am today.

 With these people, I was able to choose a few that I can call friends. What is a friend, really? Easy, Missy. (a) Someone who accepts you wholeheartedly despite knowing all your flaws. (b) Someone who won’t get angry when you curse him/her, rather, will curse you back. (c) Someone who will reprimand you when you’re falling out of life. (d) Someone who will guide you back to the right path. (e) Someone who will throw in your face what you have done wrong and make you realize it. (f) Someone who will give you the benefit of the doubt, in any situation. (g) Someone who will defend you when almost everyone throws ill words at you.

 A lot of qualifications, I know. But that’s what it is. It is not easy to look for one, just as it is not easy to be one. Remember that there is a thin line between an acquaintance and a friend. What you see on Facebook isn’t justifiable enough for you to say that you know that person.

 I am proud to say that yes, I have friends in my life. Not just one: “FRIENDS”. Some are not blessed enough to meet these people who had stood by me.

 And yes, I am proud to say that I am also a friend. I had gone an extra mile of having my own struggles because I defended a friend. I had sacrificed and endured.

 Now I ask you, are you a friend? Do you have a friend?