anxiousocdturtle93

[anxiousocdturtle93]

If this wasn’t a reason for me to fall off the bandwagon of “eating more”, then I don’t know what it is. 31f, 231 lbs, BMI of 38.5, A1C at 5.7, less than 100 days till a wedding, and to top it off, and can’t fit into pants.

All I know to do is download all the apps, fast again, and run for hours. I already have to compete with the perfect child on my partner’s side. She looks “perfect.” Awesome.

“Eat correctly!” “Be sure to work out.” “Get enough sleep!” Bunch of lies.

I can’t. I can’t do that anymore. I finally have the summer and everything is wrong. Back on metformin (which I have to pick up and it makes me so sick which will come in handy). Can’t have the weight loss drug that would have helped because no insurance won’t cover it because I don’t qualify. Eat salads constantly.

I’m tired of seeing fat ugly face in the mirror. I hate seeing the body. Had to pick up my dress this past week, and they asked if I wanted to try it on. I already knew it wasn’t going to fit so why bother. 6 months and I failed.

Just like I fail at life. Almost broke because everything costs everything.

I would rather die than have anyone look at me. My motivation when I was younger was to have kids. Can’t have them when I’m this fat and disgusting.

Can’t wait to cut later—got to work with students today and don’t want to field questions about my arms. Then I’ll take a hammer and destroy myself that way.

Self harm for the win. Have destroy yourself before you can build yourself up….right?

[anxiousocdturtle93]

Day 8: Stressors and ED

I don’t matter.

I don’t matter if I am here or to work.

Those thoughts that I’ve had for years creep up. The depression that is waiting it’s turn for me to lose it finally shows up. And the PTSD is heightened as the new year is here. Of course, don’t forget the anxiety. That’s where things make an appearance. It’s like your favorite singer or that popular person who just enters down a grand staircase and everyone is in awe. Think Heathers: The Musical. That’s how the anxiety feels.

And why do I say that?

I am a person who works for most of my bosses who just uses me for money. And, what it feels like, will throw my position to the new teacher. And it probably was my fault for telling her I wasn’t a certified music teacher. But I didn’t feel comfortable teaching a whole bunch of kids like that. That’s a disservice to them. Group classes for piano, I can do that no problem.

“Why isn’t it the same as teaching regular kids?” Some kids want to be there for piano lessons. Some want to learn. When you have a big group, well I hope you enjoy it. Sincerely I hope you do. Because I don’t. I like 5 kids at max so I can focus on them and help enrich them to the best potential I can. Because I know they can.

I regret being a music teacher. I teach privately but I have to find contract work. And that’s where 4 schools have me as a contract worker (not all are horrible with the directors). Performing makes me so nervous, so that’s out. I’m not saying teaching is easy, but I should have rethought things. But maybe that’s because it felt impossible back in high school.

“So why can’t you go back to school?” I am dumber than bricks. I can’t do math at all. Science would be cool but that’s years to complete. Being a lawyer I would fail. I can never make it in the world now. Going back to school is near impossible. I barely have enough money to be safe. Summer is the worst part and trying to make it through the summer before you MIGHT get some money.

I will be working 7 days now. I have to. Which means there is that ED that is now prevalent even more. It already comes out when I’m stressed/anxious. I feel like hurting myself this time but that ended so well. Sswsse And I just figured that out this week. As I’m trying to type this, I remember that tomorrow I have a faculty meeting in a new school. And I don’t know how to feel about it. I can tell you my stomach is in knots and I feel like I’m going to be sick.

How pathetic. And all the food I had today, I feel the need not to. I made progress since Tuesday and now I’m back pedaling. And I don’t completely want too. But I would like to not feel shitty. And there’s the restrictive behavior but it’s also mental. I’m trying what my therapist said to do when I’m spiraling this week.

Where is it bothering you? Check other parts of the body? Neck, jaw because I clench, deep breath and focus where it’s going. Relax the shoulders. Remember to sit up don’t focus on the trigger. Just listen to the body.

And I guess that’s where I’m going to leave this tonight. Listen to your body. If needs to be fed and watered, so I’m going to do my best at the moment.

Good luck, lovelies.

If you are in a crisis and need help immediately, call 988 or continue to contact Crisis Text Line by texting “NEDA” to 741741 to be connected with a trained volunteer at Crisis Text Line.

[anxiousocdturtle93]

Day 7: Advocating

If you met me in person, you know that I don’t advocate for myself. I hate doing it. Because I fully believe others have it worse than I do. I just don’t see how I matter in this big world. I barely do. So if I offer myself sure some would be sad but mostly it’s just another day.

But today I did advocate for myself in therapy. I told my therapist what I had been reading. How I believed I was not a special kind of AN but wasn’t what maybe we all define it as. I have an ED and I know it. But it comes out when I’m incredibly stressed. Like more than I wish it did. It’s not so much scary, and that’s probably because I don’t notice it, but satisfying to tell my therapist, “Hold on.” And I did that. It was hard as hell.

We looked into treatment centers but mostly it was interventions and how to deal with that OCD portion. And work around a schedule that in a few days will be worse than it is right now.

I’m not sure how the intervention really works in recovery but I guess it will do while we do figure out how this ED works against me. Along with other things that happen when you being out the trauma and PTSD. I’m sure

But it’s a start.

If you are in a crisis and need help immediately, call 988 or continue to contact Crisis Text Line by texting “NEDA” to 741741 to be connected with a trained volunteer at Crisis Text Line.

Be safe loves. And reach out when you need too.

[anxiousocdturtle93]

Day 6: Anxiety, Reading, New School Year

It’s a short post. I’m sorry, I don’t know what else to do. I have things running through my head. I need to set this up on my computer and not on my phone.

So, I left off with a new discovery about myself. And the entire weekend, I have been panicking. I feel and felt that this is impossible. That those who I told, I wanted them to reach out and say it was okay, but instead they didn’t do that response. I have my partner who sees me cry softly at night or have a severe panic attack over this. And we’re just on day 6.

So, even though there is a community out there, I probably was super dumb and really read everything out there. I scared myself sh*tless. I mean someone already on my team did that—though they were trying to be helpful. That only made me worry if I was going to die in my sleep because I was convinced I was at the severe case of this ED. That my chest hurt and that I should have gone to the doctor because that’s what happened with the other person. But they were able to reverse her condition even after the cardiac arrest. Or how only some make it fill out o my recovery from this? Not me. I won’t. I will relapse. And I don’t know if that’s my determination to prove them wrong and give up on me. I have.

Awesome. So I have panic about that. Don’t even get me started on the reading. I have been researching non stop. When will my heart stop? What are the signs of death for me with this disorder? Do people ever recover? Some do make a full recovery but mostly it seems that they relapse

I already have stressors. A wedding to plan that future in laws went leave me alone about. Or the school year and where and what to keep to make money from them. Cost of living. Debt. What to keep and what not too.

Then, of course, I need someone to tell me where I am on this stupid disorder. I feel like I’m Mild-Moderate. There’s something there but to me it’s like they took it out of proportion. Like I’ve done this before when I get super stressed. Or how about listen to me and stop gas lighting me. Ask me first about the timeline before bringing other people in. Or maybe ask why I may be stressed.

That’s where the school year eating is going to suck. I have weird driving this year and will most likely skip the days I drive all the way down but I’ll eat when I’m at home. I know what my safe foods are. Don’t bring dairy, nuts, soy product, coconut, or things that can’t be left in the car. If you bring the dairy, it spoils. The allergies in the schools. You can’t have coconut because it makes you sick. Same with some soy products.

See all figured out.

So, there I am. I am in denial.

To me, now it’s not a big deal. They blew it out of proportion and I’m just this fat ass who needs to lose weight my way because no other way works. And if that means giving myself little to no calories and no workouts when I’m away from work, fine.

I ate fine today after the first day. I just don’t like food. It makes me fat.

Let’s see what day 7 brings I guess.

And I am sorry for being everywhere in this post.

If you are in a crisis and need help immediately, call 988 or continue to contact Crisis Text Line by texting “NEDA” to 741741 to be connected with a trained volunteer at Crisis Text Line.

[anxiousocdturtle93]

Day 5 Morning: Is it really true?

Trigger warning. OCD, Anxiety, PTSD, ED, Depression Venting

I didn’t decide to do this blog until late last night and even then I guess I’ve been feeling alone with grief and anger. It only was confirmed Friday morning though there were talks Thursday night. So I guess I could say 4, but I was made aware of this before hand. I have a horrible urge to redo everything, scrub away germs, panic, keep work going, and try and calm the anxiety, depression, PTSD, and OCD.

Now it’s in the stage of “What’s our next step?” “Are you going to be okay if I let you go home?” “Please try this.” “We are going to meet to see what to do.” “You’re homework is to research this.” “Call your insurance to see if these places will let you do outpatient treatment.”

Did you guess what it is?

For me, the new diagnosis is Anorexia Nervosa—restrictive calories and purge workouts.

My team behind me started the process. A new system for my therapist had me redoing some questionnaires, which then had ED. Dietitian got involved and the endocrinologist did the testing to see where my numbers were. Well shit. TS3 was high but that was because of the birth control. Most all numbers were good. A1C was going up slowly, BUN was the lowest it’s been from where it usually is.

I never thought of it—I thought it was normal to not be hungry sometimes. You know, be turned off by food sometimes. Plus, with my OCD, well there’s the compulsive side hoping the food is safe and not contaminated. And that could be eating at a new place or bring food from home an hour away in a bag that is safe but it’s still not enough. At the time I can have it, it’s not fresh. It’s wrong. That’s where OCD can be hand in hand with this. Lucky me, right?

Woah. Rewind. How did you not know this was happening? And where is the purge workouts coming in?

When the pandemic hit, I picked up running. I started at a mile and then hit the runners high. I could do 5K a year later without stopping and soon was doing 10K. I lost so much weight and was so proud. 220 down to 190. I wasn’t stuck in a car driving back and forth.

Don’t get me wrong, I love teaching my piano and flute students. What I don’t like is the drive. Times like that, I wish I can just teleport.

Fast forward to today. I realize I’m finding ways around the “you can do this for only so long.” Well then I will bike for 2 miles. I’ll walk for 2 miles. And keep going with using a push lawn mower and lifting things. We’re good with that, right? And that was this summer. I figure if I don’t workout during the time I’m teaching restricting the calories is smart.

Oh and don’t forget the food portion. Eating between 300-500 calories (usually 300-350). And that’s unintentional I think mostly. Why? Because when I drive. I take a granola bar, a ginger ale in case I get sick, and a pack of saltines. I don’t usually drink the ginger ale, and have half a pack of saltines. I always have mints with me. And if I don’t miss Panera, then it’s just the 100 calories soup, mostly.

So, yes. I have an ED and will start out patient treatment soon since I still have to make a living and can’t take time off. Got to love the cost of living. I have an ED as a person who weighs 235lbs. And then I get angry at those who can lose weight and I can’t. I did the diets too. I have the right food. But I don’t cook for me anymore. I don’t want too.

Why start a blog? Because I need to vent. I need a place to just….come to terms with it. And see the progress. Loads of things come to my mind that I didn’t know or that I could have. Finally, to share a story I suppose. Even if you don’t read it.

You’re not alone. Even though that voice makes you feel like you are. You aren’t. Get the help you need. Reach out.

If you are in a crisis and need help immediately, call 988 or continue to contact Crisis Text Line by texting “NEDA” to 741741 to be connected with a trained volunteer at Crisis Text Line. Crisis Text Line is a separate organization staffed by volunteers who provide free, 24/7 support via text message to individuals who are struggling with mental health, including eating disorders, and are experiencing crisis situations.

And here’s the website if you need more resources. Good luck.