aroquinn - Tumblr blog

[aroquinn]

The first day of school was never exciting to me. It meant the end to a joyful summer and the beginning of living hell. Not only would the bullying continue as it always had. I would also have to go through intoductions and get-to-know-you games, which are decidedly the worst. I can imagine it is fun some, if not most kids. It just is not for me, because if you don’t fit in, they will destroy you.

So far today doesn’t seem to be any different. The hallways are crowded, the school yard is filled with screams of excitement and hundreds of students catching each other up about the summer holidays. It’s intense to say the least. Especially if anything changed about your appearance, whether you’ve grown taller or cut you hair. People will be vocal about it, giving their unwanted opinions on it and stare freely, as if they’ve earned the right to observe you after two months apart.

I try to keep changes to a minimum, but over the summer I cut my hair. I cut it drastically, shorter than would be expected from a girl. Now I’m starting to think it was not a great move on my part.

I had felt so free over the summer, I met new people and they made me feel safe and comfortable. So I grew confident and finally took a leap. Now I have to deal with the consequences, as it becomes painfully clear once again how conservative school can be. It feels unsafe, I feel like everyone’s turning heads at me.

Even now when I’m out of sight, I can feel their eyes on me. I don’t like attention like that, I don’t like it when people notice me at all.

[aroquinn]

aromantic grief: mourning the could haves, would haves, what was, and what will be, as a result of being aromantic.

grieving the child who didnt know they were different, living in blissful ignorance. the child who tried to fit in with everyone else even if they could see the signs of what was to come. who was trying their best.

grieving the adult who will have to learn to cope with their friends drifting apart from them because they have partners and families that they will always prioritise over being with them, and who will have to learn how to be alone no matter what.

grieving the person who could have been considered normal, who could relate to romance and argue over how hot a character is with friends. who could have been made fun of for their crushes, and given good advice, and dated people, and settled down. who could have done everything right, everything they were supposed to, and who would have been rewarded for it.

grieving what you once wanted. grieving what you will never have.

[aroquinn]

I don’t know

Maybe I will forever regret

Giving up on me

In order to fit in

I stopped being apart of this

My family, a unit

I, amiss.

I stopped joining boardgames

And watching family tv

Guessing games, too much

I’d rather just sleep

Somewhere in becoming ‘better’

I became less of myself

14.04.2023 10.59pm

[aroquinn]

I am not suicidal

But when my body hurts

I hope it’s cancer

And last week in searched for

Ways to slowly poison myself

And when I’m lonely

I want to drink till I forget

Or I scratch my skin

And count the drops of blood

With a blank face

I keep pressure on the cuts

But hope for them to sting

I need to feel reminded

Of the hurt I feel

All the time.

This time it was too much

I was so happy

Why does it never stay that way?

16.04.2023 10.23pm

[aroquinn]

It’s fascinating really how fast some wounds heal

Do you even remember me?

I never thought it would happen like this

I guess I imagined something more dramatic

like something big would need to happen to tip you over the edge

but there really doesn’t have to be anything like that

to the contrary

some kind of peace has to befall you before you realize

the end is right around every corner

I see death and I see possibility all around me

it’s calling for me

I feel it when I cross the road and linger just a little

I feel it when I hear a train pass and

I feel the wind trying to rip me apart

I smell it when someone lights a cigarette

I taste it when I have alcohol

I sense the possibility whenever I take my pills

my favorite poison is whatever makes my heart rush

So incredibly alive yet dreadfully unwilling to be at once

I live on that thrill

that feeling of dangling over the edge

knowing that any given moment it might all dissapear

forever waiting for that final blow.

it seems like I can’t push myself quite far enough though

Am I selfish for praying someone else will?

18.04.2023 9.47pm

[aroquinn]

So what if I created

Fairytales in my head

Of how i wish things could be

And of what i could get

I wanted to receive a letter

So i sent one to her first

We kept it going afterwards

I fell in love with made-up words

I wanted to be held so badly

When she touched me I kept still

I felt safe for a second

So i pretend it never hurt

I wanted to be understood

So i found a girl who did

She saw through me right away

She was honest and true to her word

I wanted to feel real

So i commited to some things

I lost my will to live

But at least it made me feel

[aroquinn]

i would be lying if i told you

that i never think about us anymore

that i never wonder what could have been

i was different back then

i was not myself back then

it wouldn’t have been fair to make you wait

i could take forever to figure myself out

god knows i’ve been trying

like i’ve been trying to move on

from the way you make me feel

like there’s at least one thing that is

absolutely wholesome in this world

you made me want to live in it

the world couldn’t be that bad

if you were in it

if you were with me

but that’s the thing, isn’t it

that was never an option

it would be like picking a flower

and keeping it alive, but barely

until it died and disappeared

you had to live

saving me has never been your purpose

you are meant for greater things

you are making the world a little bit more

beautiful, pure, full of wonder

i’m so proud of you my love

hold on to them as i once did to you

let them love you to life

wake up next to them and kiss them

hug them and laugh with them

and share all the dreams you have with them

tell them about the stars

they will admire you for everything you are

that is so much more than i could’ve given you

i’m glad you aren’t mine

even though my love for you stays

you are so much happier now

love,

me.

[aroquinn]

I can feel myself slipping away

wish there was anything i could do

i’m in disarray

my thoughts scattered, all over the place

how do i get anywhere like this

the state of me, devasted

how do i move on from this?

[aroquinn]

Would you like to support aromantic* business owners/content providers? Are you aromantic and have a business, sell content and/or provide services and would like more visibility?

I’ve created a form to gather information on businesses that are owned by aromantics, which will be gathered into a database (accessible here: https://www.obvibase.com/p/dDzJQdYtWCx7Q5qI). Feel free to fill in the form for your own business or for someone else’s business!

*Aromantic includes arospec

[aroquinn]

It sucks that people see autistic people’s special interests as cringey and unnecessary and pointless. I am autistic, and I would not be able to function without my special interest. I use it to help me understand the world. I use it in times where I’m overloaded. I go to it in shut downs. I go to it when the world is screaming in my face and too scary. My special interest helps me function. Not every autistic person has special interests or needs to have one, but they are vital to the functioning of people that do have them.

[aroquinn]

The worst thing that could happen has happened. I will most definitely not get a referral letter for top surgery, probably ever, in this fucked up ableist system. I will have to pay for this myself. I never want to ask for anything, I’m always giving, but now I need help. This is what happened to me.

I asked for my parents to be allowed in with me at counselling and they just told me that I’m over 18 so I should be able to handle this by myself. I told them that I’m autistic and they didn’t do anything to make me feel safe. I’m not over the trauma this caused in the past.

Being forced to make eye contact, telling me I don’t make sense. Not asking specific questions, letting me sit there in silence, unable to speak and just staring until I speak up. Calling my focus on getting top surgery ‘just another special interest’ without even knowing me.

This is what happened to me over & over again as a child. It’s deeply upsetting and I don’t know if I can try again. I felt like I was that kid again, unable to speak, afraid to hear once again that there was nothing they could do for me. I’m not okay right now. I’m heartbroken.

I’m deeply upset and angry, because I just want to be in control of my own body. I’m the one living in it, I’m the one who is gonna be living in it afterwards. Why would anyone else, a stranger even, need to approve of my choices regarding it? How is that fair?

https://twitter.com/timedemonvessel/status/1357788050999414785?s=21

[aroquinn]

[aroquinn]

I have not slept in my own bed

for a year now

an invisible wall keeping me safe

from that place where

the abuse happened

where you happened

and all I can do is wait

wait until one day

I find once again the courage

to open up that door

and face the brokenness

I left there

hidden between bandages

and empty bottles

of lifelines

that I have not gotten rid off

even though

“I’m better now”

[aroquinn]

I knew from a very young age that

hiding things wouldn’t make me feel

any better

but I just couldn’t help it

I never could help it

And still I hide things

and I bury them

Yet rely on them to still be

mine when I come back

[aroquinn]

Nothing ever seemed right

I thought it did, but then I

Catched myself taking risks

Holding on to anger

I didn’t know I could have

You shattered a piece of my soul

And threw it away

So I could never be whole again

You stole my breath in the wrongest of ways

Making me fear to live with you

Even for just one more day

I laid beside you awake at night

Ready to leave

Whenever I could

I had patterns of your behavior

Mapped out

To handle you better

Next time

Until one day I wouldn’t

Nothing about that seems right...

[aroquinn]

I have all these questions, but where do I go? I am not, but still am alone. I’m afraid to tell someone. I’m afraid they won’t understand. I’m afraid to lose more than I already have...

[aroquinn]

To not feel at all

is still so much

better

than having to feel

everything

at once.