asiabrimari - Tumblr blog

[asiabrimari]

Anyone else just hate having to explain their mental health problems to other people? Especially when you know that they are going to pass judgement anyway. I shouldn't have to explain anything to anyone but always feel like I have to justify why I do certain things or feel certain ways about things.

I suffer from depression and anxiety, I'm a little awkward hbu?

[asiabrimari]

That Night P.1

I sat on the cold wet gravel as I watched my boyfriend drag my friend's body away from the scene and Paris cried on my shoulder. It was just supposed to be a joke I kept saying over and over in my head. I felt a tear slide down my face. We were just playing a game but as I looked at the smashed car in front of me I saw that it wasn’t just a game.

We were just hanging out at my house watching a movie. Cry baby to be specific, we were just at the end of the movie where the squares and the greasers went against each other in a game of chicken when James, my boyfriend, says to Tyler, “I bet I could beat you in a game of chicken”. Tyler laughed at his girlfriend Paris and said “no you couldn’t”. They bet on it. Whoever wins gets $100 bucks. I scrunched my face in disapproval as their hands shook. I was sure there was no way they were serious. When we reached our destination, Paris and I sat and watched from the sidelines and their cars went from two ends of the road. Paris started off the race and they were off. We watched as their cars accelerated higher and higher. Something in my gut told me this was wrong. I began to scream telling them to slow down but I was too late. Before I knew it both cars were flying into objects. James ran into a few bushes before he was able to stop. Tyler, He went straight into a tree. “Paris, would you stop crying please”. James pleaded with her while he paced back and forth. I had no idea what we were going to do. My mind was blank. “It was just an accident,” I said in a whisper. James looked at me confused. ”It was just an accident, we have to call the police”, I said as I got up to find my phone. “No!” James said as he grabbed my arm. “We cannot call the police. We have to hide him”. He said before he fainted. I quickly grabbed him before we both fell to the floor. “I’m calling 911” I said as cold tears ran down my hot face. I shakily look for my phone in the grass until I find it. Once 911 finally gets there it is clear that they have many questions about what happened tonight. Paris and I both freak out. “We are the only conscious ones. One of us is going to have to tell the truth” Paris frantically says to me. I look up getting ready to say something but I am stopped at the sight of policemen walking towards us.

[asiabrimari]

Its been awhile but tonight I’m feeling motivated. Maybe its the weather or maybe it’s the devils lettuce but my mind is over flowing...

[asiabrimari]

Winter

When you look out the window and the sun is shining on the bright snow making it look as if someone poured glitter into it. That's the beauty of winter. In all the movies winter is pictured to be this beautiful season where there is joy and loving. I can be that beauty. On the outside I am that beauty. When the temperature is below 30 and your car won't start because of how cold it is. Is that still beautiful? The winter is dangerous and if you're not careful it can take over your body. Instead of the frostbite taking over the tips of your fingers and toes it takes over your heart and mind. The beauty of winter is on the outside but the danger of winter is where no one can see it but can only feel it. The ice makes you feel heavy and the cold air makes it hard to breath. I am winter. I hate winter

[asiabrimari]

The Necklace

I look at myself in the mirror as I watch the heart shaped silver dangle from my neck. I often touch it and memories flood my mind of where I was in my life when I received it. For a long time the necklace was buried in the dark but one day I decided to put it back on. If you knew the history behind the necklace you would question why I even still have it and if I were to be asked that question, I honestly wouldn't have an answer. Sometimes I think I wear it so I can attach better memories to it hoping that the old memories would somehow disappear but they never do. Sometimes I use the "I'm taking my power back" excuse but, every flashback I get makes me feel weaker. It's hard to find a true reason to explain why I still wear this piece of jewelry. I think the truth is, if I finally decide to take the necklace off, I will have to fully deal with the trauma that came with it. Something I'm not ready to do.

[asiabrimari]

Dark HERstory

Her smile is as bright as the sun

Her aura brought you warmth

She made you feel safe

She was so different

Behind closed doors was darkness

Each breath she took fogged the air

Her skin blue

Her shoulders heavy

In one deep breath

It began to rain.

[asiabrimari]

Escaping

 The voices in my head constantly whisper

Their dark voices make me quiver

The louder they get the more I crumble

In my ear, they tell me to swim in the river

The cold water causes me to shiver

The voices continue to play

But as I swim, the moon makes the water silver

 As I sink into the water, I begin to pray

I close my eyes and darkness takes over me

The weight on my shoulders begins to depart

The voices tell me this is how it has to be

I realized this was only the start

The day turned to night

And there was no longer any light

[asiabrimari]

The Rain

There is something about the chaos of a thunder storm that calms me. The lightning striking the dark sky, giving us a small flash of light before darkness takes over again. I stand here in this rain, feeling the drops touch my skin and watching them slide off ever so gently. 

Some people wait for the rainbow at the end of the storm but me? I wait for the cloudy skies to take over and shed the tears I sometimes can’t.

[asiabrimari]

Growing Up

You miss the way you use to feel

The rolling around in the itchy grass

You miss the stress free days

No worries about adult life

Catching fireflies at night

You miss the way you use to feel

Before boys got involved 

Style didn’t matter, you wore what you wanted

You miss the stress free days

When you woke up excited for field trips

Falling asleep in the car and waking up in your bed

You miss the way you use to feel

Going trick or treating with your friends

Worrying about coloring inside of the lines

You miss the stress free days

You felt your prettiest with your colorful makeup

The bruises from falling off your bike

You miss the way you use to feel

When life was simple

When the days were longer

You miss the way you use to feel

You miss the stress free days

-AB

[asiabrimari]

[asiabrimari]

Father

~Do you not love me anymore? “Hey daddy” “I’m not your father” Do you not want me anymore? You want me to die You want to kill me I thought you were my dad I thought you were suppose to love me Am I not the daughter you wanted? I just want you to love me But maybe that’s not possible anymore So if its a must You can kill me No restraints I’ll be willing Break my neck, drill my head Wondering where my loving father went He no longer exists So if its a must I won’t call you daddy You will be Brian Remember, I’m a lost cause I have no hope in the world So Brian, if its a must I’ll be gone by the morning Break my heart if its a must The love from you Its nonexsisting So if its a must I’ll believe everything you say about me Is true Father~

—AB

[asiabrimari]

Butterflies What you feel when you see him What you feel when you talk to him What you feel when you when you guys accidentally brush elbows Then it happens, he asks you out No longer butterflies, more like a zoo You were on cloud 9 and nothing could ruin your high You were in love, you...

[asiabrimari]

Never Ending Maze

Have you ever felt so unwanted that you just want to die You sit with all your friends,everyone’s laughing and smiling Even you are, but its not real, on the inside you feel like you don’t belong You fake laugh and smile, and when you stop your friends get bitchy Tell you to be happy Little do they know That’s what you try to do everyday That’s all you want To be happy

-AB

[asiabrimari]

They Said

Laying Awake can’t sleep Parents fighting Those evil thoughts you got rid of Theyre back whispering in the back of your head “We are your friends” they said “We aren’t here to hurt you” they said “We are here to help relieve you” they said “Take the blade Cut your wrist The blood trickling down The weight lifted off your shoulders Doesn’t that feel nice If you wish for all the pain to stop We can help you with that too” they said

--AB

[asiabrimari]

Heartbreak

Butterflies What you feel when you see him What you feel when you talk to him What you feel when you when you guys accidentally brush elbows Then it happens, he asks you out No longer butterflies, more like a zoo You were on cloud 9 and nothing could ruin your high You were in love, you guys were inseparable. But as time passes Things change The good morning texts you always look forward to each morning stop coming The late night phone calls barley happen He stops trying to put in effort into the relationship He even changes the code to his phone. You feel your whole world breaking You blame yourself He leaves his phone unlocked You look through it You wish you hadn’t You confront him He admits it You end it He left You cried He’s happier And all you are is Sad. Empty. Lost. And Broken.

—AB

[asiabrimari]

But who could love me, a girl with a dark past and scars to prove it, who could love me,a girl who can’t even learn to love herself.

–AB

[asiabrimari]

You're only missed when you are gone

"Fat, Ugly" She locked the door “Stupid,Whore” She grabbed the blade “Cunt Slut” She slit her wrist “Pathetic,Worthless” She cut to deep “Beautiful, She didn’t deserve this”” Is what they said at her funeral

--AB