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[askanautistic]

Hello! I'm a NT parent of autistic child. My child takes a long time to do many tasks like grooming and homework. Showers, in particular, take an extraordinarily long time (an hour). We live in a drought-prone area so this isn't a "luxury" others take. Here, 10 minutes seems excessive. Homework can be accommodated. Showers need to be hurried. How?

It will depend on why the showers are taking so long. Are they in the shower for the whole time they're in the bathroom, or do they run the shower and then get distracted by going to the toilet, looking at a phone or tablet, etc.? If so it might help to talk to them about waiting to run the shower until just before they're ready to get in, to save water. Is it an executive dysfunction issue? Is your child finding it hard to remember or act on shower tasks (getting undressed, washing hair, washing body, rinsing)? If so, having a system, like a visual or written timetable of tasks as a reminder, or having the items your child uses lined up in their own area so that they can just use them in order, might help them to move along. Are they losing track of time? A timer, or having them listen to music in the shower might help (two songs per shower, for example). Is it a negative sensory thing? The change between dry to wet and back again can be challenging. The change in both dryness-wetness, and also the temperature change. Things like making sure the room is heated, getting them to run or jump around a bit before they get in the shower (so they'll be hotter and less likely to get cold before or after showering), make sure they have a warm towel). Is it a pleasant sensory thing? Do they like the feel of being in the shower, under the water, the sound, the smells of soaps and shampoos, or the warmth when in the shower compared to stepping out. If they need this time, but you cannot afford the water wastage, perhaps there could be an agreement that once a week they can have a longer shower to help address these sensory needs, and/or you could find a way that they can reuse water (allowing the bath to fill up as they shower, so they can reuse the water using a watering can or something, or going to the swimming pool so they can swim and use the showers there). Do they enjoy showers? If they like to shower daily, then the ideas above will hopefully make it a little easier to figure out what the issue is and how to address it. But if they actually don't like showering (but struggle to get out once they're in there) then perhaps showering less often (using other methods for maintaining hygiene in between showers like body wipes/strip wash) and allowing them longer showers when they do shower might be a good compromise. Maybe some of our followers will have other ideas. Or you can always message again if you want to include more information or I've missed something important. If you find my posts helpful, please consider a tip.

[askanautistic]

Do you have any advice on how to pursue a romantic relationship as an autistic person? How do you flirt without sounding like a creep? How do you confess without seeming forceful?

I have a friend who I have feelings for and I’ve been having trouble saying things to them, whenever I say things to that friend I’m afraid they’ll see it as me being creepy/trying to force a relationship. Said friend is autistic too so they can understand awkwardness and having trouble wording things but I’m still afraid of messing up and making my friend uncomfortable, especially since that friend is an abuse victim.

Even if the mods of this blog don’t have an answer/any advice I’m sure that people who view this blog might have some suggestions!

background information in case that helps: I’m 18 (turning 19 next month) and my friend is also 18. I’m a lesbian and my friend is nonbinary bisexual.

This might be quite a big thing, if you aren't sure whether them knowing you have feelings for them will make them feel awkward around you and possibly ruin the friendship. If you really want to let them know that you like them as more than a friend, then perhaps consider just telling them very clearly so there's no room for misunderstandings. Maybe it would work better in writing and removing pressure. Let them know how you feel, what you would like to happen (a date? a relationship?), reassure them that if they don't feel the same you respect that and things won't be weird. Then they have time to process and respond. And that you will just continue as if you'd never said anything if that's what they'd prefer? Maybe our followers will have some good advice for this! If you find my posts helpful, please consider buying me a Ko-Fi.

[askanautistic]

Hi!

I don't know for sure if he's autistic, but my partner seems to have some signs of alexithymia..?

Idk, when he's with me, he's amazing & caring & sweet, but he forgets about me when he's gone. Largely, it's because texting can be a lot for him, & he forgets about his phone. I believe him, but I haven't heard of it before? Is it a thing that you can love someone but just... don't think about them all the time? Am I just a hopeless romantic lol

He also rarely says things like 'I love you' or 'i miss you', unless prompted; he doesnt do romantic things for me; he needs time away from me after a day or so (where i could spend weeks on end with him); he needs time alone to figure out why something bothers him, etc. I feel like with most partners, I would assume he just wasn't really interested, but then other things he does really contradict that (like being thoughtful with gifts, listening when i need to talk, thinking about my feelings, etc.). It's confusing.

I wish he'd be more vocal about his feelings & I'm sure he would if i asked, but I'd feel like an asshole if that's just who he is. I don't want him to think anything is wrong with him 😕

I'm not really sure why you think he might be autistic or has alexithymia based on *these things* specifically... Without knowing the full details of your relationship, it sounds a lot like he's very attentive when you're together. And when you're apart he's paying attention to other things. Which, unless it is very extreme, or if you spend a lot of time apart and so do rely on there being some communication and contact during those times, sounds quite balanced! Life is made up of lots of elements, and it would be quite difficult to function at school or work or when doing any activity if someone was constantly thinking about their partner all the time. How expressive people are with their partners can also be influenced by culture or socialisation. Different families communicate in different ways or might be more or less comfortable with talking about big issues. Some people are more likely to be very expressive and some aren't. Some people need reassurance more than others. Some people are much better face to face at expressing themselves or showing affection, and some people can be better at communicating from a distance (so might be more likely to share memes or text a loved one, or get into deeper conversations via text/messaging, but might seem more standoffish in person!). Introverts often need time to themselves to decompress, process, etc. and just because that's how introverts reenergise. Whereas extroverts tend to need to be around people, so don't always understand that need for regular alone time. Whatever the case is, however, it's okay to let your partner know what you like/need in a relationship. It doesn't have to be framed in a way that undermines or criticises the other person. Sometimes it's not that someone is too much, or that someone isn't being expressive enough, it's just that you have conflicting needs or preferences. So it would be okay to say, 'I really like it when you tell me you love me every day and would like for you to say it more often if you would be comfortable doing so.' It would also be okay to ask him what he experiences. Or to let him know that you interpret behaviours a certain way and would like to know whether you're right or not (if you think when he doesn't say it it's because he doesn't feel it or doesn't know if he feels it, then he can let you know whether he does feel it but doesn't think it necessary to say, or whatever else the case may be). I've known NT people who just tend not to use their phones much, who can lose their phone and won't rush to replace it even though it makes it hard to contact them, who don't have or use social media, etc. Or who *do* use their phones a lot but often don't reply to things immediately because they're also very busy people, working, socialising, etc. and sometimes need to dedicate their attention to other things and other people. So it's definitely not exclusively an ND thing... But, if your partner *is* ND, it is also quite common for ND people to experience these things to an even greater extent. It's more often associated with ADHD (but is probably not ADHD exclusive) to experience 'out of sight, out of mind'. Which can apply to objects (and can cause people to do things frequently forget what food is in the cupboard so it goes out of date, or might forget to take medication or to do a task because there's no visual prompt because the implements are somewhere they can't easily be seen). And time blindness. So this can also extend to people - not thinking to message someone because they're not on your mind as much when you're not physically with them, and/or not realising that you haven't heard from or checked in with someone for hours... or days/weeks/months/years. It doesn't mean we don't care about people, and we can be very thoughtful and might show affection in less expected ways, but we might be less consistent or easily distracted or not notice the passing of time so won't feel it as deeply as someone who doesn't have our difficulties.

[askanautistic]

What are some low energy ways to indulge in special interests when autistic person has chronic illness?

[I'm not sure if you're asking for yourself or someone else, but I'm replying using 'you' as in the universal you, because it's easier.] You could try listening to podcasts or audiobooks about your interest, or watching Youtube videos. A nice thing about this sort of thing is that if you're too tired or unwell to concentrate you can just pause them and continue where you left off later on, but you can also listen and do something else if you need to. You can also control the speed if you're someone who needs things sped up to avoid getting bored/losing focus, or if you need to slow things down to help you process. If an interest does involve doing something more actively, like crafts, it might help to have someone else set up a workspace or fetch some of the things you'd need, or to keep them stored in a very easy to access area to avoid expending too much energy on getting items/setting up to actually do the craft. And where possible, give yourself frequent cut off points where it would be possible to stop and then continue later. Maybe our followers will have some other ideas. If you let us know more specific interests it might be easier for people to come up with more specific ideas. Ko-fi

[askanautistic]

If I sense my meltdown or shutdown coming, should I prevent it at any cost or let it happen? I don't get lots of meltdowns or shutdowns, but I have had stress lately and I'm constantly worried that I get shutdown or meltdown in a public place.

It depends on what you mean by 'sense it coming' (what stage of pre-meltdown you are in) and also perhaps what you mean by 'let it happen' (again, what stage you're in, whether you can avoid it, whether allowing yourself to reach the point where you lose control would cost you your dignity or safety). It might also depend on what you mean by meltdown (punching things and yelling/screaming would be far riskier at work and is more likely to cause you injury than curling up and crying, for example). If you can sense that you are becoming overwhelmed, then it would be a good idea to somehow alleviate the problems before you reach the point of no return. If caught early enough, this might prevent a meltdown or shutdown from happening because you're might be able to calm yourself and remove the things that are overloading you so that you can regulate. If caught a bit later, it might still be possible to reduce the likelihood of a full blown meltdown where you have no control whatsoever, or to do some damage control and ensure that you are in a better position for if you do reach that point. If the choice is leaving a meeting or having a meltdown in a meeting, for example, it would be best to leave the meeting rather than just let it happen in the meeting, and then try to find somewhere you can try to calm yourself and regulate (or to have a kind of 'mini meltdown' where you let out some frustration and energy whilst still maintaining some control, or to find somewhere where you can meltdown in privacy/relative safety). Based on the safety and dignity issue, there might be times when avoiding a meltdown or shutdown (at any/all costs) is necessary. It might also be necessary based on the safety or wellbeing of another person/people (parents often have to power through things they might not be able to if they weren't prioritising their kids, for example). Actually reaching the point of no return, you have no control over at all, so basically while you do still have some control then it's always worth trying to avoid it/control elements of it. And if there has to be some kind of outburst, because of the build up of energy and anger/upset, then ideally you can put yourself in a position where you can let it go with some control (rather than punching walls or doors or yourself, or screaming in a way that would alarm the neighbours and possibly cause them to want to check on you or call emergency services, for example, placing yourself in a position where you can punch pillows or a punching back or scream into a cushion (which does still require some self-control, of course). So even if it has to happen, it might be better to let it out before reaching the point of losing control and having a full on meltdown. Ko-Fi

[askanautistic]

I'm autistic and I'd like to hear your opinion. My special interest is parts of true crime. I don't spend time on true crime community, but I watch videos and documentaries and listen to podcasts. When I mentioned my special interest on online group, someone said their friend got murdered and that they don't understand why some people are into true crime. Now I feel very guilty. I don't idolize violent criminals, I despise people who do that. That's the reason why I don't spend time on true crime community. I think I watch and listen to true crime for the same reasons why I used to watch horror films. I don't even bring true crime up in real life conversations if I sense the person is very sensitive. Am I an awful person when I have true crime as my special interest?

True crime is very popular - that's why so many documentaries, books, podcasts, etc exist! I don't think that many people can be awful people?? Or that an interest in true crime can automatically mean that someone is an awful person. Lots of people who are interested in crime use that for good (whether that's attempting to solve murders, or warning people about scams, or perhaps trying to learn enough to keep yourself safe from people who might try to exploit you). For example, one of my big interests with crime is actually scams and I am fascinated by learning what different scams exist, how they work, what they 'look like', and it makes me feel safer because I feel I'm better prepared to avoid them (and can also share information with people that I worry about, like my parents, who are quite vulnerable to these sorts of things). I think scammers are abhorrent, I would never want to scam another person, yet I am fascinated by scams and will watch any documentary I come across that focuses on any kind of scam or deceit, cults, MLMs, factitious disorder, etc. I think that when people hear 'true crime' they assume it's a fascination with serial killers, or violent crime in general, when true crime covers a lot of different kinds of crimes! It often seems that people tend to assume that any interest is somehow 'sick' in nature (voyeuristic and gleeful or something), and that possibly is the case for a minority, but I think that for the majority it is just a natural and normal interest. Also, most people want the crime to be solved, and want to know that the perpetrator faced justice. Or will also be interested in situations in which the system has failed, or been unfair. There are many aspects that aren't anything to do with the 'gory details' that people can be interested in. Also the thing you mention about horror films - there's a book called The Science of Fear by Margee Kerr, which I think kind of touches on why this appeals to us. Watching scary films or having controlled scary experiences (roller coasters, haunted houses) is often a way of working through fear, and can actually be good for us (because we've faced something scary and survived it). I think we can get the same kind of feeling from reading fictional horror stories and watching horror films... so I wonder if we can get this to some extent from nonfiction as well - when watching a documentary or listening to a podcast, we aren't being faced with the actual crime, we're hearing other people discuss it, we're seeing snapshots and reenactments rather than having to witness the actual horrors. So we might feel uncomfortable, disturbed, we might think about what we'd do if in that situation (without having to actually experience it). Maybe we hear about these awful things and for some people to work through that recognition of how awful things can happen to people, we focus on it and want to know more (whereas some people tend to prefer to blot it out and not to think about it, because we all deal with things differently). Often true crime can involve 'puzzles', figuring out the clues (or having it all explained to you so that you understand how it was worked out and that kind of thing is just very interesting a lot of the time!). So I don't think there's anything wrong with being interested in true crime, even violent crime/murder (or even the gory bits, to some extent - being interested in something isn't the same as condoning it or celebrating it). Learning about crimes that have happened does nothing to harm anyone, and it sounds like you're mindful of how your interest might impact on another person (upsetting someone who has been the victim of/knows someone who was the victim of a violent crime/murder, or who might be more sensitive just because they find any discussion of true crime disturbing).

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[askanautistic]

Is it autistic thing when you get stressed and burnt out from too many options in life? I used to be ashamed that I didn't have anything much. I had only 4 foods I could eat, 0-2 friends, 2 clothes I could wear etc. Now I have a variety of favorite foods, over 10 friends, more clothes I like to wear, over 5 hobbies etc. But choosing something is always difficult and I feel guilty when I can't do all my hobbies often and when I don't have time for all of my friends.

Probably not autistic exclusive, but it seems very common for autistic people to struggle with making choices/having too many choices. And even just generally with the sensation that everything is Too Much (or anything-that's-more-than-a-little-bit is Too Much). Because I think that other aspects of being neurodivergent can also come into play with this sort of thing, beyond just the constant agony of having to make decisions (and having choice overload). Too many social demands means more social overload and often more sensory overload (especially if it involves leaving the house or attending events). Too many food or clothing options can make it harder to keep regulated sensory-wise. Having too many options can also make it harder to create a routine that works or to be able to predict what our day will look like/what we'll be doing. A routine that's too busy/complicated, or that needs to change too frequently, or that is uncertain (because you don't know when someone will contact you/want to do something, or because you don't know what you are going ot be having for dinner, or because you're not sure what you're going to do even for your relaxing lesure time (what TV show you'll watch, what video game you'll play, what book you'll read, what music you're going to listen to on your way to work or whilst showering) might seem relatively minor to many, but it does create quite a bit of chaos for those of us that thrive off routine and sameness.

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[askanautistic]

Is not crying as a baby a autistic trait?

It can be. I didn't cry as a baby, and was in general very quiet. When I was diagnosed, that seemed to be viewed as evidence towards my diagnosis. Some autistic babies cry much more than is usual, though.

[askanautistic]

Meltdown/shutdown resource.

I wrote this years ago, and thought I'd repost it as a standalone post instead of an answer to a question. I've included a few updates. This can be used to create your own 'pick 'n' mix' of instructions, to help you notice or to help others to notice signs that you are beginning to get overwhelmed, the reasons why you might be becoming overwhelmed, or that you are in a state of shutdown/meltdown, and to know what to do and what not to do. Some suggestions might be repeated and seem contradictory (because one person might need to be left alone when becoming overwhelmed and someone else might need reassurance). You can also add in anything else you think of if creating your own resource, as this isn't an exhaustive list.

I might struggle with: - being too hot/cold. - noisy environments. - sudden noises. - bright lights. - too much visual input or movement (busy/chaotic environments). - too much social interaction. - unexpected events. - changes to plans. - Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria.

Signs to look out for: - I may become irritable. - I may become withdrawn/quieter than usual. - I may stim more or less than usual, or differently [you could be specific about this, explainng the exact stims to look out for if any]. - I may become (more) aversive to touch (than usual). - I may seem ‘sulky’ or ‘whiney’. - I may act more ‘childish’ (than usual). - I may become restless or more fidgety (than usual). - I may ‘huff’ and sigh a lot. - I may become uncooperative. - I may cover my ears/close my eyes/turn away. - I might become physically aggressive. - I might become verbally aggressive. - I might scream/shout/cry. - I might become nonspeaking (or less able to speak). - I might not be able to move independently. - I may seem anxious/panicked. - I may exhibit a flat effect. - I might bolt. - I might keep going to the toilet.

Don’t: - Panic, or get angry or upset. - Touch me. - Leave me by myself. - Talk too loudly. - Talk to me. - Ask open questions. - Stop me from stimming or stop my sensory seeking behaviours. - Prevent me from avoiding sensory stimulus. - Involve other people. - Box me in/block exits.

Do:  - Keep me safe. - Talk to me. - Reassure me. - Leave me alone. - Offer a quiet and private space. - Give me something to drink and a snack (without asking). - Explain where we are going (or what you are going to do). - Ask closed questions (questions requiring yes or no answers, or give me limited options to choose from). - Gently guide me away from crowded or noisy areas. - Remind me to use/Give me my headphones/earplugs/sunglasses. - Remind me to use my/give me my stim tools. - Help me to keep warm or to cool down. - (Ask if I would like you to) hold my hand tightly/hug me tightly (apply deep pressure). - Use AAC (use specifics: tell them what kind of communication you prefer and if you need them to find an app on your phone, tell them which one - you could even include the icon for it). I hope this is helpful to people. Ben Tip jar.

[askanautistic]

hi. this has content that may be triggering regarding sexual assault. my brother is autistic and i don’t know whether some of his behaviours are normal or something that i should be worried about and i don’t know who to talk to about it so i wanted to ask you if it’s something that i will just have to get used to or something else. my brother is currently 12 years old (i’m 16) but ever since he was 5-6 he’s been really weird about me and my other brother and us being naked to the point where i feel uncomfortable getting changed near him or wearing any revealing clothing around him. he often makes inappropriate comments or tries to touch me and my brother in ‘sexual’ ways and this has only got worse as he has got older. my mum always tells me not to worry and that he’s just a child but i don’t feel that excuses his behaviour. i don’t really want to go into specific things he’s done but a recent example is that, when, at a family supper, i told my family that i didn’t think i’d ever want to have kids and he said he’d “just have to rape me” instead because i “have to continue the family line”. this makes me feel really really horrible and i haven’t stopped thinking about it since and i sort of hate him for it. i know autistic people have trouble understanding social things and what not but i feel like this goes beyond that? please let me know because i don’t know what to do and i’m scared to imagine how much worse it’s going to get as he gets older.

This behaviour is not acceptable and you should not have to tolerate it. No one's neurotype allows them to touch another person or make those kinds of disgusting comments. Yes, it's normal for children to be curious about bodies and sometimes to explore that. And yes, a child with a developmental delay or a learning disability might find it harder to understand that certain behaviours aren't acceptable. But every child needs to learn about consent and boundaries for their own safety as well as other people's. Your brother is 12, and most definitely should know by now that he shouldn't be looking at you, touching you, or speaking to you in a sexualised way. Your mother (and any other adults in the household, for that matter) needs to realise that she's causing this to become worse by allowing it to go on for so long. She has a duty of care to you and your siblings, and allowing your brother to make you feel uncomfortable/to behave inappropriately towards you is neglectful. She's also harming him by not intervening or trying to teach him boundaries and respect. Either he will end up harming someone, or he will end up coming to harm when someone else decides to act (to prevent harm or to punish him). Or, he'll end up in trouble with the law for making threats or assaulting someone. If your mother won't listen, you could try speaking to another adult in your family, or maybe someone at school if you are still in education (who could address this with your mum as a safeguarding issue, and to ensure your brother gets some education/support).

[askanautistic]

We get a lot of posts asking things like, 'Am I autistic?' or 'Is it okay to self-diagnose?' or 'Should I get an assessment?' We cannot (and so do not) answer these asks. We can't armchair diagnose people. Random strangers on the internet cannot tell you if you're autistic or not, or whether you should get assessed or not. You have to do the research and decide whether you feel it is worthwhile/necessary getting assessed. There are lots of online resources on this blog and elsewhere that can help you with the research, but we can't tell you whether you're autistic or not, and we can't tell you whether you should get assessed or not. These choices will be based on your own research, your own need for a diagnosis, and whether you have the means for an assessment. Random strangers on the internet cannot tell you when or whether it's okay for you to self-diagnose, or validate (or invalidate) your self-diagnosis. Again, you have to do the research and decide for yourself whether you are confident enough that you are autistic to self-diagnose (that's why it's called a self-diagnosis), or, if self-diagnosis isn't something you feel comfortable/confident with, whether you should get a formal assessment for that validation.

[askanautistic]

*FAO UK followers* Government Emergency Alert System Test

The UK government are testing Emergency Alerts on mobile phones across the UK on Sunday 23 April at 3pm.  This means that phones and tablets in the UK will make a loud sound like a siren.

You can find out more about this at: www.gov.uk/alerts and https://www.bbc.co.uk/newsround/65026368.

Can you turn off emergency alerts?  "Although it's possible to turn the emergency alert system off, the government says there are lots of reasons to keep it on." (The purpose of the alerts in future would be to warn people of emergencies.)

If you're a victim of domestic abuse & worried this could put you in danger because you have a hidden phone, Refuge have provided a video to show you how you can manage emergency alerts: https://youtu.be/I2MBcHwmiy8

You could also use the above video if you are concerned about how this will impact on sensory issues, although it's worth bearing in mind that other people's phones will go off at this time, so you might like to prepare by wearing or having ear protection close at hand, or being prepared to respond to the alert as soon as you hear it. If you find any of my posts helpful, please consider a donation.

[askanautistic]

About the sound sensitivity... why is it that the sounds can hurt us but we make all kinds of other sounds that annoy other people but not us? I live with roommates that say I make noises that bother them. (crunching, wrappers, tv volume)

I liken this to how even someone who's ticklish can't tickle themselves. No one is as bothered by their own noise as the people around them having to listen to it. I have misophonia, so listening to other people chew, breathe as they eat, etc., is distressing (even when it's not a painful level of noise). However, I could intentionally make very annoying sounds while I'm eating (to try to bother myself), including the exact sounds that bother me when other people do it, and it would never bother me because I'm making the sounds - I'm in control of it, it's predictable, I know that I can stop it if I need to, I'm getting sensory feedback from it, and because I'm the one doing it my brain just doesn't respond in the same way as when someone else makes noise. Whereas, if someone else makes noise, I can't control it or stop it. I can hear it but I get no other sensory feedback from it. I might be able to predict it if it's a habit they have, and if it's in a rhythm, but then even knowing that it's going to happen/continue is agonising. Because I am sensitive to volume and pitch, I have accidentally hurt myself by making noises before, but it's more likely to hurt more and distress me more if it's unexpected and I can't control it. But I can't trigger my own misophonia. If you find any of my posts helpful, please consider buying me a Ko-Fi.

[askanautistic]

Note: Sound sensitivity isn't exclusive to autism, but is incredibly common in autistic people. It's also one of the difficulties that people often cannot understand and grossly underestimate if they do not experience it themselves. I'll repost this soon with visual descriptions (I'm currently sick with COVID-19). If you find anything I post helpful, please consider buying me a Ko-Fi.

[askanautistic]

Hi - I'm wondering if this thing I've noticed about myself is a common thing, an autistic thing or just a me thing:

Sometimes I struggle to understand why other people don't like the same things as me. There are some things that I just love so much but my friends don't like them and I can't get my head around it.

At the same time, I can be a little bit protective of those same things: they're my interests and I don't want to share them with everybody... that would make things boring.

And on top of that, when I try to explain why I like these things, I struggle. I'm usually very articulate and I can think my way to an explanation for almost everything I do and say... but there are times when I just love something because it makes me f e e l that way. Even if I can't pinpoint what about it is making that feeling happen.

Does that sound familiar?

I think the not understanding why other people don't like (or even dislike!) the same things is probably somewhat common, as most neurotypes seem to express some form of this. 'You don't like football??!' 'How can you listen to that?? How can you not like this??' 'But dogs are so much better than cats!' 'Yuck, I hate tattoos!' But it does all sound familiar. I can also relate to being quite protective over my interests. It's strange being torn between, 'Look how fascinating lighthouses are!' and, 'But don't get carried away, this is my thing, not yours.' Which might also be a common thing amongst all people, but I don't see it in others as much. Quite often I see other people being more welcoming and encouraging about other people joining in with their interest, but I prefer to just enjoy things by myself for the most part. I wouldn't want the people around me to adopt my interests. I wouldn't want to discuss them most of the time, either. Which can also make me anxious (if someone tries to bond with me through trying to talk to me about things I'm interested in, that makes me really uncomfortable). I wonder if that is partly because I have sometimes experienced people almost appropriating my experiences or interests. Instead of wanting to share in it with me, it becomes like a competition. And it then starts to feel like something has been stolen away from me, rather than that someone else has joined in. But I'm not sure if those are the reasons for why I can feel possessive over my interests. Maybe without that I would still feel that way. Realistically I have to accept that I don't own interests and that anyone can become interested in them at any time, and that could be inspired by me or not. Of course. But it can be hard and quite anxiety inducing and frustrating. And I can relate to an interest sometimes just being based on it making you feel good or sparking a fascination but it not being something you can really explain to someone else. But I'd imagine that that must be quite common across the board because there are so many things that people can be passionate about and it's literally just because that thing makes them feel a certain way (a song or music made them feel good so they learned all they could about the band, they find sport exciting (even if I don't understand how or why that is) so they follow certain teams and learn their stats). [Apologies if this is a bit rambly, I've been unwell and tested positive for Covid-19 this morning. I just find this an interesting topic because I do have such conflicting feelings about sharing my special interests and how I engage in them when it comes to info dumping or discussing them with another person.] If you find any of my posts helpful, please consider buying me a Ko-Fi.

[askanautistic]

Hello! I am a paraprofessional and I work with a kindergartener on the spectrum. I have a meeting soon to work with the school counselor and the parents to come up with a behavioral management plan. One of the suggestions from the counselor was to use "preferred sensory objects" as rewards for desired behaviors (like sitting still/quietly on the classroom kiva) my question is: should a sensory object/tool be used as a reward system? Shouldn't it be integrated into the desired activity of sitting still/quiet to help the student focus/stim?

Any insight is appreciated!! I really want to get the perspective of someone who is autistic, since I know the therapy fields often have misinformation.

Thanks!

If the sensory tools are needed for regulation, then yes, the child needs those things to be integrated into activities rather than being withheld until the child complies. The idea of withholding and rewarding, and valuing compliance above all else, smacks of ABA, which is considered harmful. It also makes no sense. Forcing a child to sit still and quietly without the support of sensory aids, means that they're creating the dysregulation, and then providing a tool after-the-fact to then counteract that dysregulation is going to be far less effective than helping the child to regulate throughout. They need to look at why the child struggles to sit, and accommodate the child's needs. Some children sit better on a chair than the floor, or need the sensory input of having something to roll their feet on or pressure of some kind. Some children might have a weak core and so struggle to sit without extra support. Some children have vestibular needs and need to be able to rock or move around to self-regulate. As a kid, when sitting cross-legged on the floor, I'd often get restless before the other kids because it became painful to sit in the same position for too long. My feet would get pins and needles and I'd need to move a bit. And I *like* to sit with my legs crossed, and still do as an adult - but I need to stretch them out from time to time and shift position every now and then. Fortunately my teachers never told me off when I'd start to bounce my legs or hug them or wriggle, because they knew I was a good kid, but I know a lot of kids aren't given that grace and people just don't consider how uncomfortable they might be. And, honestly, I've found that the kids who are allowed the most opportunities to regulate (and are given those opportunities to have the sensory input they need, or even extra screen time) tend to be much better able to cope. So you have happier kids who have less meltdowns. And very often they're actually absorbing far more even if they seem like they aren't - one of my autistic kids who needs to move about the room or play with the water in the sink seems to be unfocused but often chips into the lesson because she is listening and taking things in.

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[askanautistic]

HI, I would like to know what I can do and ways I can help to make my autistic partner comfortable in our relationship

Communication Communication is always going to be the most important thing to figure out. Different people have different preferences, but finding the right method of communication and understanding your partners communication style will go a long way towards building trust and understanding, and to making sure you're both able to problem solve when issues do come up.

Method/s might include texting instead of speaking, even if you're in the same room, or sending emails for important topics. It might be that speaking needs to happen at certain times or in certain situations (if your partner tends to find it easier to speak about things when on a walk, then going for regular walks offers the opportunity for discussion and bonding). Energy levels/Comfort levels It also helps to understand energy levels, and respect that some autistic people need a lot of down time, or time to ourselves. This isn't true for everyone, some autistic people are extroverted and will thrive off company, but many of us might struggle to transition between work and home, or might get overloaded and burned out from work or social situations, and so might need some extra time to ourselves without any demands before we're able to have discussions or help with chores. The same goes for comfort levels. We might have different levels of comfort with things like physical contact, and respecting that and recognising our love languages (that might be a little unusual or less obvious) instead of trying to force certain types of affection means we can be comfortable and not feel abnormal or self-conscious.

'The benefit of the doubt' This is something I often bring up when talking about relationships. The reason for this is that people can miscommunicate / misunderstand each other, and so thinking well of your partner and giving them the benefit of the doubt can be really helpful. Sometimes we mess up and need to be held accountable, of course, and sometimes behaviour is unacceptable... but there are often times when we need someone to just recognise that their interpretation of our behaviour isn't necessarily correct, and to try to view it through the lens of... well, giving us the benefit of the doubt, basically. Asking, 'Could this be an autistic thing?' If I say or do something that seems rude, it's reassuring to know that my partner won't interpret it that way, and if she is upset or unsure, she'll let me know without accusing me (and won't just make the assumption and quietly seethe over me saying or doing something she perceived as rude). Knowing that she thinks well of me and understands me means that I feel safer and more relaxed because she's that one person who I know is willing to try to understand things from my perspective and appreciates my perspective and how my brain works/how I communicate etc. (rather than wanting me to change).

Appreciation/Support/Accommodation Appreciating their autisticness (and other things about them, of course) will also help build trust and make sure they're comfortable. Knowing that my girlfriend likes how logical I am, and appreciates my honesty, and isn't bothered by my stimming, etc. Also, whilst she doesn't need to be interested in my interests, it's nice that she is happy for me (and also means I feel more comfortable because I know that whereas someone else might tease me or find some of my interests weird, she never judges me). It's nice when someone takes notice - shares an article with you about something you're interested in, or buys interest-related gifts. Even better when they show support. Particularly if the autistic person needs a bit more support than a non-autistic partner might need. Travel support, attending events they can't attend alone (even if you wouldn't otherwise choose to go). Everyday accommodations being a natural part of a relationship/household make life so much easier, and makes being autistic more 'normalised' and comfortable than when you're trying to fit yourself to NT standards. Creating (and being!) that safe space is something I appreciate most about my girlfriend. She's the person I'm most comfortable with and she makes my life so much easier than it would otherwise be. If you find any of my posts helpful, please consider supporting my by buying me a Ko-FI.