avesathanas-blog

[avesathanas-blog]

Friends, the lack of them, loneliness and despair

I’ve struggled most of my teenage and adult life socially. I’m not only socially awkward, I’m terrified, every time I would want to start a conversation with someone I am unable to. Just the thought of it kills me inside. Even if I were to just say hey or hello to someone I’d end up stuttering like a moron, I’d get a dry mouth, I’d start shaking so hard that the person I would be talking to would comment on it, this has happened a lot.

Thanks to my social anxiety disorder I am a loner, I have no friends and the friends I made online aren’t my friends. They all promised to be there for me when I needed help. None of them are currently answering any messages, it’s been a week of solid silence except for a “I’m busy” from a girl I really like(d) (so much so that I actually thought I might have real feelings for her). It’s killing me, the only reason I’m still alive is that I’m too much of a pussy to go through with killing myself.

I barely have a family, I have 6 siblings, 1 is in prison and only 2 of the rest are talking to me occasionally, but I don’t have a good enough relationship with them to talk to them about my feelings, so they’re useless. I don’t even think they’d grief if I were gone, no one in my “family” would except for my incarcerated brother. Everyone and everything I lived for is dead, and I want to join them, join them in that endless void, the endless darkness, the absence of everything.

I am not writing this to whine about my life being utter shit, I just want to write down my thoughts. Who knows, maybe once I get more money I’ll get 2 grams of heroin and a syringe and give myself the so-called golden shot. I myself am not sure if it’ll happen or not. I need someone to intervene, but I have no one who cares enough to do it, hell, even asking me how I’m doing seems to take too much time and effort from these people I used to consider friends.

If you’ve read this, live on for me, so my life wasn’t a total failure. Peace out.

Fuck me.

Fuck them.

Fuck life.

Fuck living.

[avesathanas-blog]

The Satanic Church and the Misconceptions Surrounding Them

It’s obvious that you read the title with preconceptions or prejudice in your mind, how the church of Satan is evil, believes and worships Satan and sacrifices children to their “God”.

However, every single thing I just mentioned is false. The official church of Satan is the general “satanic” body, there are countless subgroups or cults, just like with every religion out there. But the one thing the church of Satan is not, is a religion, the church does not require to believe or worship the Satan that we all know so well from the bible and our mainstream Sunday classes.

The church’s image has been skewed to such a degree by mainstream churches i.e. Christian, Catholic, Protestant etc. that their public image and the church itself is usually considered to be rather evil or corrupt in some way.

The church of Satan I am talking about here was founded by the well known Anton LaVey, if you’ve read the satanic bible (like I have) you’d know that this “religion” is mostly about serving yourself, engaging in things that improve yourself as a person, and that’s what the official church is all about.

Now I’m not and will never be a member of this church, I think however that their perceived image needs to be eradicated, so as to not ostracize their members or their practices.

In order to do that I urge you to do some research, for example listen to the video from “The Thinking Atheist” on the church of Satan on Youtube, it’ll clear a lot of things up I just can’t mention because you’d be reading this post for an eternity.

First off, people who want to become members have to go through a rather weird process, it involves money and a video tape, it’s what turned me off of joining in the first place. It’s a moronic way of running a group of like-minded people.

The church itself promotes self-improvement but also dictates that the sins laid out in the bible are not to be taken too seriously, this is the point where I perked my ears up and began to listen, since every religion today has some sort of guilt mechanism built into it to control their “constituents”.

So if you want to have sexual intercourse with as many people as you want, no one in the church will judge you for it. If you dress a certain way, they won’t judge. There simply isn’t a way to be judged like in mainstream religion. If I were to walk into a Catholic church service with the clothes I have on pretty much every day, I’d be kicked out immediately, this however doesn’t happen in the church of LaVey’an Satanism. They accept anyone and everyone (if you pass their dumb-ass test to join in the first place obviously.).

This post is already too long, so as I said, no matter how religious or prone to religious belief as you are, open up your mind, just for a second, and listen to actual accounts from people who have engaged and been engaged with the church of Satan. I’m sure it’ll plant a seed of doubt into you that you can foster into something far greater than any major religion can give you.

Thanks for reading.

[avesathanas-blog]

The life of a schizophrenic.

Today I’ve decided to revive my blog by talking about my schizophrenia, what it is, what it made me go through and how I deal with it to this day, be prepared, this is a loooooong story.

First off, to clear up some confusion: No, schizophrenia does not imply a multiple personality, that disorder is aptly called multiple personality disorder, a whole other different mental disorder which has zero to do with schizophrenia.

I was first diagnosed with schizophrenia when I was around 20/21 after taking magic mushrooms, 300 mg (1/3 of a gram) if I remember correctly, this is actually considered a low dose in the scene. These mushrooms made me go through hell, I cannot imagine anything more painful, agonizing or torturous. It is impossible to describe what I felt for the 5-6 hours the trip lasted, it wasn’t one of those “horror-trips” people talk about. This was a whole other beast, a beast that will tear you apart, from the inside out.

I couldn’t do anything, I couldn’t think straight, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t wake up my mom to take me to the hospital, I couldn’t do ANYTHING.

I was hovering over a bucket for what felt like 2 hours trying to get rid of most of the undigested mushrooms, this did literally nothing to help the situation, I was in need of extreme tranquilizers like Xanax or Klonopin, but I had access to neither, unfortunately. The tripping itself became secondary, I didn’t care about the hallucinations, I didn’t care about the vivid colors, all I thought was “Please let this end.” if I had the opportunity and the thought pattern I would’ve killed myself. I’m glad I didn’t, while also being disappointed I didn’t which will become more clear later.

Now that we have the backstory of how I acquired this terrible illness we can move on to how I began to deal with it.

After the trip the first thing I did was sleep, as much as I could. After waking up most of the symptoms were gone but I still had these feelings of falling from a great height, from being ripped apart atom by atom. I talked to my mother and we decided to go to the hospital, this began my love for benzodiazepines. I was prescribed a neuroleptic (an antipsychotic called Zyprexa (Generically called Olanzapine) which helped for a while and a ton of Xanax. After that I got an appointment at a psychologists office a week or two later. This doctor was the worst I’ve ever dealt with, she prescribed another anti-psychotic to get me off the Xanax which was an incredibly terrible idea, the medication I got made me feel like I was literally dying, I had a rest heart-rate of 160, I was shaking so hard I could brush my teeth without moving my hand, thankfully my GP figured out it was that medication that caused it and I discontinued the usage of that poison.

After all of this my mother and I moved back to our hometown in the western part of Germany. I got access to so many benzos it’s not even funny. I loved them, they killed my symptoms, they killed my anxiety, they opened me up to talk to people, they’re miracle drugs to me. I was however never addicted to them, thankfully.

Keep in mind that you can’t really die of an overdose of benzodiazepines, in conjunction with other pharmaceuticals and illegal drugs it certainly makes it more possible. I still to this day take Valium, but not every day and not in the amounts I used to. After moving I developed extreme panic attacks and my anxiety went through the roof, I was paralyzed by it. No one could figure out why, all they could do is yet again give me benzos.

Due to over-usage of benzos I ended up in hospital multiple time, even though telling them that I took too many because I blacked out and didn’t know what I was doing I was forced into a mental health unit (5 times in total) and I will never go back, I’d rather die. They treat you like a child, no, even worse than a child. You can’t do anything with or without their permission, and getting that permission could take days.

As soon as I was out I was probably the happiest I had been since the shroom incident, I missed my mom, my cat, my dad (which all three have passed by now, I hope you 3 rest in peace, I love and still care for you and will never ever stop <3, you’re the only reasons I’m still alive and I wish I could tell you that and I wish you could know that.). I will ignore the next 4 times I got institutionalized, since they were basically the same.

In some ways I am lucky, even though I have developed schizophrenia, to be more specific a mix of paranoid schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder. Most (Not all, including myself) develop voices they hear, like my sister who has multiple mental disorders herself. I’m glad I don’t have to go through that, but that for me is replaced by every form of anxiety you could imagine. I can’t go outside unless I’m high, whether it be opioids, alcohol, benzos, any tranqs really. I have some people helping me deal with this but I stopped contact with them since that’s part of what my schizophrenia does to me, it makes me destroy any relationships I develop, no matter how much I want those relationships to stay. I want a person with friends, with a girlfriend, with people I can party with, sadly, right now, that seems way too far away to even talk about.

Now to the life I live right now, my mom died in last September of lung-cancer, the most aggressive kind she could’ve developed, it spread throughout her body within a matter of weeks and killed her in 6 months despite every effort to avert that possibility. I have 6 siblings, but at the moment, only two of them even deem it worth enough to keep contact with me. Therefore I am almost completely alone in this world, which is why I’m writing this. If you end up in a bad spot, remember my story, remember that it can get far, far worse.

Today I was yet again close to killing myself, good thing I had a friend who had some morphine, otherwise I’d be hanging in my living room right now (not joking here).

My life is hard, it’ll get harder, it will never be easy, but I won’t let it win, I will prevail.

”Life’s a bitch, and then you die.”

If you’ve read all of this, I thank you from the bottom of my heart, I opened up my heart by writing all of this, this wasn’t easy and I was close to tears a couple of times. If you have anyone who cares for you, tell them, spend as much time as you can with them, you will never know how long they’ll last. I hope you appreciate this post.

R.I.P. Mom, Dad and Gini, love y’all.

[avesathanas-blog]

Truth. Search for it, and you shall discover it.

[avesathanas-blog]

Melodysheep needs more subscribers.

[avesathanas-blog]

Regarding the Refugee Crisis in Germany and Europe in General

This topic is bound to split people in two halves, one half for, one against refugees being let into Europe.

I myself didn’t think I’d be saying where I live on this blog but I do currently reside in Germany, where exactly? You won’t find out, trust me.

Since my mom’s death I’ve had to look around for apartments and a new place to live, thanks to the migrant crisis, Merkel and the state I’ve been unable to. I can already see people typing that I’m ignorant, I am not. I’m probably the most German gene wise you can get, if you follow my family tree back, my Grandpa wouldn’t have been forced into the SS otherwise.

My father had pretty ignorant ideas, but one thing he instilled in me was pride in my own country, which the politicians and schools of this country want to turn into shame for causing the holocaust. I say fuck that. I don’t want to have to leave this nation, but if the refugees keep coming and we keep letting them in when they can’t even speak a proper language or can read then I will be forced to. 

My father would call me a coward if I were to do that, but considering that reasoning and logical thinking was able to change his mind most of the time I think he’d forgive me for abandoning this soon to be islamic country.

It’s bad enough that the most voted for party in politics of Germany is Catholic, we don’t need another religion fucking things up even more, or degrading our women like they did back in the 50′s.

I really wish for this country to not fall into the hands of dictators again, but if sharia law is established in this country, it’s not my home anymore.. this concludes my ranting for now. I will be continuing to talk about this topic, especially the raping of women and children and the people who have died because of refugees.

[avesathanas-blog]

Even if those memories make me sad, I've got to go forward, believing in the future. Even when I realize my loneliness, and am about to lose all hope, those memories make me stronger.

[avesathanas-blog]

Women.

I’ve just cut contact with two females who basically played me for all I was worth. They didn’t care how I felt even though they said they did. They claimed they’d be there for me no matter what, yet simply 3 sentences were enough for one of them to go nuclear. Fuck these women, I hope they die a painful and horribly slow death.

[avesathanas-blog]

Chaos is a friend of mine.

Bob Dylan

[avesathanas-blog]

My battle with Social Anxiety Disorder and how to get rid of it

To start this off, I was about 15 or 16 when I first started getting really anxious, jittery and uncomfortable in social situations and around strangers, and it gradually became worse. I stopped going to school because my anxiety would be killing me pretty much all the time for 6-8 hours I’d have to be there, just the anticipation or thought of having the teacher ask me a question and me answering it or writing on the chalkboard was too much for me to handle.

I’ve been living with this disorder for a decade now and know it in and out, I know how to get rid of it, I’ve done it on my own before and am currently re-doing it because it started to become a problem again. I couldn’t even see my psychologist alone without anyone accompanying me, it was just unbearable to get into a bus full of strangers. The constant thoughts of being judged by people on how you look or behave get incredibly irritating, which is why I’m currently attempting to get rid of this mental disorder.

I’ve accomplished a lot in the last year, I’ve gained lots of independence and I can now safely run around the inner city or get on a crowded bus or tram without much of a problem. Really large crowds however are still a problem for me which is why I’m forcing myself to go to two concerts in the next few months, completely alone.

If you are a sufferer of social anxiety disorder or are socially inept or awkward, the only thing that will help that is confrontational therapy, which I am utilizing for a second time because I know it works. Hell, even going for a walk alone was impossible for me a year ago, it was too much stress and anxiety, I’d feel incredibly self-conscious, paranoid and was constantly thinking people were judging me because I looked or dressed differently.

You HAVE to confront your fears, they will get less severe over time, start out by just taking a 5 minute walk around your neighborhood, maybe sit on a bench for a few minutes and then go back home. Do that for a week or so but then try asking a stranger for the time, I know from personal experience that this is incredibly difficult for people with a severe case of SAD. You have to force yourself, your brain will be completely freaking out at even the notion or idea of an upcoming conversation with a stranger, even if that conversation is incredibly short.

Get out there, don’t let the fear inside you stop you, ignore what your brain is telling you and just do what you want, after a while you’ll even feel pretty comfortable around people.

I still do not have any friends whatsoever due to my social anxiety and inability to start a conversation with someone I don’t know, this is still the hardest thing for me to overcome, but I’m sure with time and effort I’ll be able to do it and build friendships again.

This went on for far too long but I thought I’d share my experience with this disorder and how it is treated, either by yourself or in conjunction with a behavioral therapist.

Thanks for reading.

[avesathanas-blog]

Regarding most women I’ve known

All I have to say to them is: go fuck yourselves, you cunts.

That is all I have to say currently, just hate this mindfuckery these bitches practice with a passion, not to be taken as a generalization. I’ll repeat that in caps NOT TO BE TAKEN AS A GENERALIZATION AND IS NOT REGARDING THE WHOLE GENDER

[avesathanas-blog]

Current thoughts.

Thoughts of suicide and death constantly plague my mind, it hasn’t been this bad ever, I don’t think.

Now the question is what a person can do against the constant repetitive nature of those thoughts, the constant feeling of darkness literally consuming every cell in your body.

Right now I wouldn’t care if I were to not wake up tomorrow, and I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. People get depressed, that’s life. But what I have is a proper mental disorder which isn’t currently being treated pharmacologically or therapeutically and I’m stuck in this mental torment I can’t escape from on my own.

Finding a good therapist and getting an appointment would take over a year, unless I was privately insured, which I’m not since I can’t afford it, since I can’t work due to my crippling suicidal depression.

I have no idea what to do, and literally no one seems to care enough to even spare 15 minutes of their day to talk to me. I have no social life whatsoever, people I used to care about don’t give a shit about me anymore it seems, so I have literally no one to talk to.

It’s pitiful that my psychologist thinks keeping me off lorazepam would be a good idea right now, in this situation. I can only blame him and the system that’s literally failing at helping me even though I’m seeking help from everywhere I can. I won’t be getting back to a closed off mental ward in a hospital anymore though, I’d prefer death over that any day.

If you’ve read this whole thing, I thank you for it and even if no one reads this, I wouldn’t care right now.

[avesathanas-blog]

Transgenderism is a mental illness, and is not to be celebrated or encouraged.

Anyone who disagrees with this is delusional to the Nth degree. Why is denying facts so accepted in our society?

[avesathanas-blog]

What I’ve learned the last couple months.

No one really cares.

[avesathanas-blog]

This is ingenious and awesome.

[avesathanas-blog]

Suicide is not a selfish act.

I want to repeat the title again: Suicide is not a selfish act.

Suicide is just an expression of unbearable pain.

This is why I find it abhorrent when suicide survivors are treated like children, or sometimes even worse than children. They need help, of course they do, but you don’t need to lock them up in a facility for sometimes years at a time.

You need to get rid of that inherent pain they’re feeling, being on medication doesn’t help that in any way whatsoever, whether it be tranquilizers, neuroleptics or anti-depressants. The latter one being prescribed far too commonly as if they were miracle drugs that can get rid of that really incredible pain that’s impossible for an outsider to understand.

The thing about suicidally depressed people like me is that they create a sort of wall around their depression and the way they act socially or around other people. Most suicides are described as surprising by the people who knew the victim.

This is why I speak out about suicide and depression, sadly we can’t get rid of either of them. If it were a perfect world governed by a creator these things wouldn’t exist, no one wants another person to go through such emotional distress and pain to where the last option to them is to end their own lives to finally not feel pain anymore.

That’s all I have to say about that topic at this time, I might pick it up in another post in the future, can’t say for sure.

[avesathanas-blog]

Mom’s grave a day after the funeral, just went back there to place some stuff my nieces gifted my mom when she was still alive. The candle has been burning for 3 days straight now, here’s hoping it lasts a whole week.

Again, goodbye Mom, we’ll never forget your kind heart and your hilarious jokes, you always did the best you could for us. 

Rest in peace.