azkabanjailbird

[azkabanjailbird]

“I should have been his Uncle Moony Pads.” Sirius flinched at the use of the nickname too long forgotten but he still moved to sit next to Remus.

“You are.” Sirius didn’t know what else he was supposed to say, he was supposed to be ‘uncle padfoot’ too. None of this had gone how any of them had wanted.

“No Sirius.” Remus stood and began pacing, Sirius had forgotten how often Remus paced. It came in flashes, the worn patch of floor in the dorm where he would pace, the small patch of carpet in their shared living room where it was worn and beaten down from Remus’ pacing. The way he would pace as they yelled and argued about the war. Sirius flinched at those thoughts too.

“No,” Remus choked, “you’re ‘Sirius his beloved godfather who went to Azkaban for him’ I’m just Professor Lupin. They were my family too, he was my nephew too and every time I saw him, every time I went by to visit I had to know that this boy, our boy would never know me as Uncle Moony. The worst part is that I couldn’t even say hi, I had to hide in the shadows and just hope that he knew how loved he was. I didn’t think he’d ever know me at all and it broke my heart. It breaks my heart. I was the first to hold him, I was the first one to hold him and now he looks at me like I’m a stranger and I can’t even-” Remus let out a sob letting his head fall into his hands, “I just want to hug my nephew, and I can’t because I’m just his teacher.”

“Remus… you’re so much more than that.”

“But he doesn’t know that.”

Both of them sat in silence, neither one could say anything to make the truth sting any less. Remus was just his teacher, and Sirius was his godfather who had never been around. Merlin what they would both give up to have one more chance to do it all better than before.

[azkabanjailbird]

It was inevitable that James had to die before Remus. After all he was the sun and Remus the moon. The sun gave light and warmth that the moon just reflected. The moon was nothing without the sun and the sun was nothing but a star. One we loved and cherished and celebrated. One that gave us life, but a star none the less, destined to burn out and in it’s absence the moon was left in complete darkness. With nothing to reflect for the world.

Remus knew he would be surrounded in darkness the day James died. He just didn’t think it would be this soon.

[azkabanjailbird]

Jegulus one shot :) (listen to this with haunted by Taylor swift)

“James,” Regulus ran a hand through his hair trying to find the right way to get through this, and keep James. Merlin did he want to keep James, “we knew this was…” he pursed his lips in thought, “we were just…” he sighed every combination of words couldn't describe it well enough,

“Walking a fragile line” James bit coldly using Regulus' own words against him.

“Yes” he returned. He tried to keep his voice flat, but it cracked at the anger in James’ voice. James didn’t show an ounce of sympathy, “I knew that, this whole time I knew that I just never thought I would live to see it break.” He tried to reason it to James with a slight laugh in his voice as the weight of the locket in his pocket held him in place. James didn’t seem to find the humor in everything that Regulus did.

Regulus felt James' eyes bore into him. The already dark room had gotten darker as the sun began to set and it was all too quiet with the silencing spell cast around them. James’ silence spoke the loudest as Regulus suffocated in it. He couldn’t trust anything now. Not his sight, he would swear there were other people in the room. Not his heart, he loved James and that only screwed him over. Not James, whose body language betrayed him more than he could know.

To James this was all a big mistake; regulus could see the realization coming over James wave after wave. Nothing more than a blip in his perfect record. Regulus held his breath, he wouldn't breathe, he couldn’t breathe as he watched the moral scale in James' head decide his fate, it was sink or swim and Regulus could tell. He was sinking. He wouldn’t lose James again.

James’ eyes went cold and Regulus had sunk, this was the heroic righteous Potter, not the sweet loving boy Regulus had fallen in love with. This was the boy who deemed himself a warrior but had known no battles, the one who thought he and only he could be right,

James turned to leave and Regulus called out, pleading before he had realized it, “Come on,”

“Come on?!” James spat the word angrily and Regulus felt himself shrink.

“Don’t leave me like this...” James said nothing as he turned to leave again, “I thought I had you figured out!” Regulus yelled, hitting his fist against the wall, he was getting angry. How could James not trust that Regulus would do the right thing in this all, how could he think that Regulus would betray everything they had built for the dark lord of all people. This wasn’t who he had fallen in love with, this wasn’t the James he knew. That James would help him make it out alive or die trying.

Something had gone terribly wrong, maybe it was Sirius leaving or Regulus staying or both. “You’re all I want.” Regulus whispered it between them quietly, like a prayer and James stopped in his tracks. “Come on,” Regulus' voice cracked and he stopped talking, wiping away the tears roughly trying to regain control of the situation. “Come on. Don’t leave me like this.” It was an order, a command, a hope. He had never hoped for anything, but he would hope for James.

“I thought I had you figured out.” James turned around fully and Regulus could see the tears shining in his eyes, not a single one had called down his face. He was trying to hide his emotions from Regulus but he had never been any good at that.

“I can’t breathe whenever you’re gone.” It was a confession, a signed death certificate if James walked out that door. He wouldn’t be able to breathe without James, he wouldn’t be willing to live without James.

“You can’t turn back now.” James turned and slammed the door behind him taking everything Regulus had ever hoped for, or fought for.

Regulus watched the door knowing that with every passing second James was getting further and further away; all Regulus could do was watch. Even though he was gone, Regulus could feel him in the room with him. He was there every word he had ever said replayed in Regulus head on loop. He laughed hollowly, “Now I’m haunted.” His laugh grew wild as tears ran down his cheeks. He collapsed onto the floor and his fate was sealed. He sobbed into the floor wishing he could just disappear.

He had stood there and watched James walk away from everything they had, but he had meant every word he had ever said, every I love you, every apology and happy memory. He had meant all of it.

Barty hadn’t left his side since, trying to take away the pain and weight Regulus felt.

There were moments where he would crack a joke and for a split second Regulus could forget everything and smile, but memories of James would come rushing in and Regulus would wish nothing more that Barty would magically turn into James.

Regulus held his breath every time he saw James, waiting for him to run over and apologize and say they could work it out because he still wanted James. He would always want James.

Regulus had never been optimistic, he couldn’t afford to be optimistic with everything that had happened in his life. He couldn’t figure out what the something was, but something kept him holding onto nothing. Because that’s what he and James were now. Nothing.

“Come on,” Regulus whispered, looking across the great hall cautiously. He was trying to catch James' eye while keeping Sirius unaware.

“Come on?” Barty looked at him in disbelief. Barty and Evan had gotten over the heartbreak stage; they both wanted Regulus to get over him.

James turned and caught his eye, his stare was as cold as ice and Regulus watched him with rapt attention, “don’t leave me like this?” He gripped the table tighter praying that James would just… stand up and walk over. Just try to fix everything Regulus had broken,

“Regulus…” pity laced Evans voice.

Regulus jumped up from the table and ran after James, who had left after a moment of glaring, if James wouldn’t fix this then Regulus would try, he would try for James.

“I thought I had you figured out.” James turned slowly. They were staring at the entrance to the great hall, the door closed heavily behind Regulus.

“Somethings gone terribly wrong.” James was shaking and Regulus wasn't sure if it was anger or sadness but he was glued to his spot as he watched the boy he loved start to cry, “you were all I wanted.”

“Wanted?” Regulus whispered the word. In past tense. “Come on,”

“Regulus…” James sounded deflated and turned to leave.

“Come on!” Regulus got in front of him, “Please! Don’t leave me… not like this.”

“I thought I had you figured out.”

“I guess we were both wrong.” Regulus stood shattered in the wreck of what they could have been. Of what they should have been. What he knows they would have been.

“I can’t breathe whenever you’re gone…” James ran his hands over his face and it took everything in Regulus to not reach out and hold him.

“I can’t turn back now.” Regulus repeated the words James had said to him not even twenty four hours ago. “I’m haunted,” Regulus laughed slightly, he had always been haunted by his parents who would never accept or love him. Now he was haunted by James who had loved him, but couldn’t anymore; it was a pain he couldn’t fully comprehend.

__

James’ hands shook, “I know.” Sirius grabbed his shoulders and shook him. “I know.” The letter was addressed to him but he wasn’t sure why. He also didn’t understand why Regulus wouldn’t just… tell him? Why did he have to do everything in secret?”

“Know what?” Remus asked kindly.

“I just… know.” There was no way to explain everything that happened between Regulus and himself to all of them so it was the best answer he could give. “He’s not gone.” James closed his eyes and prayed.

“James, what are you talking about?”

“He can’t be gone.” it was a choked sob and James realized that he could still save it all, he could still save Regulus. James ran out of the room and through the castle, not stopping as he heard his friends yell after him. He could still save Regulus, he could still keep him from going into that stupid cave.

“Come on, come on!” He pushed through the grass and saw the lapping waves, he was so close. “You can’t leave me like this.” He mumbled it though the tears as he pushed the boat into the water he

Fuck, how could he have been so wrong. “I thought I had you figure it out!” James sobbed as he hopped into the boat and started paddling. Was this his best plan ever, no? And maybe he would die trying to save Regulus and no one would know what had happened to him, but he would happily die for Regulus.

Something had gone terribly wrong and Regulus wouldn’t get to finish what he started; they wouldn’t get to finish what they started.

James pushed the boat up right on the little hill and screamed for Regulus, “come on!” No response, “Come on! Reg please! Don’t leave me like this!” He sobbed looking around. “I thought I had you figured out!” He tripped on one of the jagged rocks and collapsed crying. “I can’t breathe if you’re gone!” Sobs wracked his body as he curled up on the sharp rocks,

“I can’t go back without you!” He screamed into the emptiness, silently begging for Regulus to surface and reach for James. “You’ll leave me haunted.”

Thoughts of their final conversation as he pulled himself up into a sitting position; he had to pull through for Regulus. He had to. He breathed slowly looking around begging for Regulus to be there, “you and I walked a fragile line.” He took deep breaths reminding himself that this was always a possibility. “I knew it all this time. I just… never thought I’d see it break… I never thought…”

I’ve seen people do this with James being Haunted by Regulus but Regulus would also be Haunted by James so I wrote it ;)

[azkabanjailbird]

My thought on the No Post November and my update schedule for my ff!

I was made aware of the jegulus strike just this morning so please excuse if my thoughts seem a little scattered.

I want to start by saying I understand and support what these writers are doing. I have been lucky enough to not receive much hate during my time as a writer or on TikTok, and i'm relatively good at ignoring it because my writing is the best in the world so 🤷; that being said I do not condone sending ANYONE hate for ANY reason. The writers in our fandom are doing this FOR FREE. You only get to enjoy their writing and these stories because they take time out of their life to write. No one but them has any right to dictate how they write their stories. If you don't like a story then you can choose to stop reading it but the writer DOESN'T owe you ANYTHING!!

Writers on Ao3 or any other platform ARE PEOPLE. They have their own struggles and lives outside of their stories, they have obligations and hobbies outside of their work and they don't owe you a story. Thryre choosing to give you something to enjoy.

If you are sending hate to people who don't participate in this then you are part of the problem. I saw a post saying people who continue to post through November only wanted likes and kudos and that's not fair to the people who write to cope. That's not fair to anyone who doesn’t know what’s going on or anyone who just wants to write and is otherwise uninvolved with everything else. FANFIC WRITERS DON’T OWE YOU ANYTHING, INCLUDING CONFORMITY!!

People who write to cope or even just for fun should have every ability to continue to post without getting hate. The same goes for readers, I know a lot of people who read ff to cope with their lives and I know a lot who just read for fun and they have a right to be sad that they can't read these but that doesn’t give them the right to hate on ANYONE

As of this morning I had no idea If I was going to participate but I have decided IM NOT. I’m planning to keep my upload schedule the same. It is not because I don’t care about what is happening I am utterly disgusted that people in our world today think it’s okay to hate on someone for something as simple as fictional characters. These characters mean the world to me and my personal head cannons can be very strong but I recognize that other people are allowed to have their own and other people are allowed to write whatever they want.

I just think that I have seen so much hate come out of something that was supposed to be so good for the community in the span of one day. I fear that the people who think that if you continue to post that somehow you’re only in the fandom for likes and views and a sense of fame Will choose to continue to be hateful towards the people who don’t participate for whatever reason.

I personally would rather have no one receive hate but if people are CHOOSING to be rude and hate on authors then I would rather the hate be directed towards me than my fellow authors because I think my writing is the best thing in the world and someone on the Internet is not gonna change my opinion of my writing but someone who is just starting out could give up on writing because people are sending them here and I think that’s horrid

Please don’t send me or anyone hate it’s up to every individual whether they participate in no post November or not. What someone else does does not give you the right to be rude to them

Idk why the spacing is weird but yeah

[azkabanjailbird]

My rundown of Midnight songs:

Lavender haze: hard for me to listen to, makes me nauseous??

Maroon: Lily to James as Voldemort shows up to their house

Anti hero: Remus and Regulus

Snow on the beach: Sirius when he gets out of Azkaban and is talking to Remus

You’re on your own, kid: Regulus! When Sirius first goes to Hogwarts and then after fifth year too and then in the cave at the v end

Midnight rain: Regulus after he got the dark mark talking about James getting with Lily!!!!!

Question…?: Remus talking to Sirius while he’s in Azkaban

Vigilante shit: Dorcas talking to Marlene about how she’s gonna kill Voldemort (Narcissa’s the ex wife I won’t explain)

Bejeweled: Remus to Grant about Sirius maybe?? Once he starts living his life again ???

Labyrinth: Mary about the war and all her friends when she starts dating whoever she married

Karma: Remus to Peter (Sirius would be karma)

Sweet nothing: Sirius to Remus?? Because he felt unloveable and stopped trusting Remus but still love him and wanted him to love him too but didn’t think he did

Mastermind: Peter 😭 I hate it but it’s true especially if it’s the hc that he loved James and that’s why he did it all

The Great War: Sirius to Remus (about the war and how they reacted) while he’s in Azkaban, even sadder since Sirius probably promised it would all be over after the war but then he was ready to join the second one w/o a doubt. He did lose Remus but he doesn’t remember…

Bigger than the whole sky: James to Regulus once he got the dark mark

Paris: James and Regulus before he got the dark mark (Regs pov)

High infidelity: Remus and Sirius and how they lied to each other about their mission during the war; Remus with the Castor too

Glitch: Marlene and Dorcas when they were messing around before they got together

Would’ve should’ve could’ve: Sirius about his family? Or Remus talking about Sirius after he “betrayed” the potters or James after Regulus got the dark mark

Dear reader: old marauders fans to new ones ✋ or Mary to the golden trio about the war once it’s over

[azkabanjailbird]

Remus Lupins bogart was the Full Moon. Anyone who knew about his furry little problem would assume the two were correlated; Remus hated the moon because of the monster he was. What no one knew was that with every passing full moon he was reminded that he left. Of course he had to. He had to leave to keep people safe, but he chose to stay with the other wolves; he couldn’t face the reality of the war and everything going on in the real world. He left and stayed with the wolves while his best friends were being killed. While the love of his life was murdering the people he cared for. Remus Lupin Hates the full moon, but only because it reminds him of how he left; “it’ll be the same, whether you’re here or not”. That’s what Sirius had said, but maybe if he had been stronger. Maybe if he had gone back home that morning they would still be alive, maybe he would have seen the truth of who Sirius was. Remus’ Bogart was the Full Moon because it reminded him of everyone he had let down by giving the Monster inside him a moment to take control.

[azkabanjailbird]

People say Matilda is James/Remus to Sirius BUT I argue it’s Regulus to Sirius and here’s why!

“You dont have to feel sorry for leaving and growing up” -Regulus when he planned to steal the horcrux because he was forgiving Sirius and was happy his brother would get to grow up since Voldemort would be mortal

“Nothing about the way you were treated ever seemed especially alarming till now” - Regulus being treated the way Sirius was once Sirius left and finally understanding what his brother went through

“You talk of the pain like it’s all alright but I know you feel like a peice of you’s dead inside”- once he leaned about how Sirius was treated he felt like he wasn’t himself and felt dead inside and he knew that’s how Sirius felt too

“So you tie your hair up and smile like it’s no big deal.” -Regulus as he watched Sirius at school.

“I don’t believe that time will change your mind. In other words I know they won’t hurt you anymore as long as you can let them go.” - Regulus hoped that Sirius would come back home but he knew Sirius wouldn’t change his mind and he knew Sirius was safer away from their parents.

“You framed all your posters and dyed your clothes” -Sirius hung muggle posters at Grimmauld place and he definitely went though a muggle tie dye phase and Regulus is reminiscing

“Anywhere you go you don’t need a reason cause they never showed you love” -Regulus saying he didn’t need a reason to go to the Potters even tho he hated James because he knew Sirius would be killed if he stayed at home

“You don’t have to go,”- Regulus thinking about what he said to Sirius the night Sirius ran away

“you don’t have to go home” -Regulus to Sirius as he tried to correct his mistakes when they’re at Hogwarts

“You showed me a power that is strong enough to bring sun to the darkest days.” -Sirius gave Regulus hope. Regulus wanted to get out too and Sirius gave him the hope that it would happen

“It’s none of my business, but it’s just been on my mind.” -Regulus didn’t feel like he deserved to know after everything he had done but he worried about his brother though he could never show it

You can start a family who will always show you love” -Regulus talking about Remus and the other Marauders and co

“You dont have to be sorry for doing it on your own” - Regulus forgiving Sirius for leaving him behind when he left (this one hurts my soul)

[azkabanjailbird]

Marauders era Beach Trip Head Cannons:

Lily always drove and Remus was always in the passenger seat. The rest of them fought about who sat where.

They always brought one big towel to sit on and an actual picnic basket for their snacks.

Peter always made the food and Mary always brought the drinks

Peter aways picked out where they sat; he would insists that certain parts of beaches had better sand than other so it would take them twenty minutes to find a spot.

Peter built sandcastles and by the time he was twenty he could build almost anything out of sand and would get annoyed if the others tried to help him

James always wore the most hideous swim trunks because he thought they were the height of muggle fashion (The girls and Remus never told him otherwise)

Despite Mary being the most outgoing she always choose to wear one pieces over bikinis since she liked the way they looked on her

Despite James being the mother hen of the group it was always Remus droning on about the importance of sunscreen since scars burn easier than skin

James would help Remus apply sunscreen the first time much to Sirius’ annoyance but Sirius would remind Remus to put it on again every two hours and help then

Sirius hated the water unless he was padfoot. He didn’t know how to swim and so he much preferred to stay on the sand and watch his friends

Because Sirius never went in the water he was always in charge of the music and snacks which he didn’t mind

Remus on the other hand loved to go in the water since he never got to go to the beach as a child and as a adolescent he was ashamed of his scars. He would sometimes get in and not get out until the rest of them were ready to go

Sirius would get hit on a lot since he was often alone, wether that be girls asking him to swim or just sitting and chatting with him. However his eyes were always on Remus since Remus was rarely without a shirt

Marlene was hella good at surfing, she always tried to teach Peter but he was hopeless

Lily and James would wander off as soon as they all got to the beach; the rest of the marauders made sex jokes but most of the time they were just down the beach talking in the shallow of the ocean

Mary and Marlene loved to run as close to the water and then run away before it touched them