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Switched at Birth 2/4

so. Loraine, I know you are super bored because your book was famous for two seconds but the drama club thing is killing me. The sassy deaf girl seriously cracks me up. I can't even. Why is she so angry and sassy? Also, why does ABCFamily keep portraying Loraine as being dumb as fuck? I like...feel bad. She's so awkward in social situations. Daphne was dating Travis for like 2 seconds and then started liking that hearing kid who always falls down. And then Emmett calls her out and she's all wtf Iike Travis...damn. Stfu. Poor Daphne gets BEAT in the taco truck by those creeps from the ghetto or wherever the fuck she goes alone at night. AND TRAVIS GETS A FUCKIN BAT. Travis, date me. Regina is trying to bang that suave jazz player and refuses to be like oh btw I'm an alchy. club sodas for me! I've never seen someone so obsessed with drinking. Lets have this 600 dollar bottle of wine, lets go to a martini bar, lets fucking get black out. Like, bro, relax. I love how at first Regina is all bitch, get a real job and be awake during the day and come talk to me. .....but then she gives in to his sexy chocolate peer pressure! NOOOOOO REGINA JUST SAY NO! DIDN'T YOU EVER HAVE D.A.R.E? ...oh yeah you did for like four years it was called A.A. Wtf. THIS BITCH

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Pretty Little Liars 2/5

Okay so basically this episode bored me to tears. First of all, how come the boys on this show just leave for 12 years and everyone is cool with that? Like, where the fuck did Toby GO? Hmmmm private investigator who didn't actually find shit? Speaking of people that just disappear,we got a clue about Melissa a little while ago but it's like oh we found this stupid notebook so lets forget all about her. Was Ali bangin Wilden? Is he the baby daddy?! How long ago did I call that he was a creep show who likes underage girls. I KNEW ITTTTT. HANNA'S OVERALLS. And WHAT the fuck is up with daddy/uncle? This is some Springer shit and I'm really not interested in Caleb's hick ass life. Back to things that matter, Spencer hasn't worn eyeliner in a week, and Mona has SOMEHOW found time to be A and also do 500 extra curricular activities. Like, I can't even function when I get home from work wtf is this bitch on, speed? The psychologist is back and last time I checked, Mona tore up her fucking office and blackmailed her into betraying the girls and ran her ass out of town. But no, it's totally chill when Mona shows up at her office. Nbd. Emily has an awkward flashback to that nit she was blackout drunk and sees someone digging up the grave and OH WAIT IT'S THAT FUCKER IN THE RED. ....like ABCFamily, can we be less obvious please? Come on. Then Spencer goes crazy and carves shit into Toby's mom's gravestone. And then I died of boredom. BYE. THIS BITCH.

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Switched at Birth

So I guess I missed two episodes. Whatever. It didn't take me long to catch up. Angelo won mad money from the lawsuit in the season finale. Apparently he bought Daphne a food truck? Because that's what a high schooler needs. So this episode starts off and Bay is in a pilot program at Buckner. The deaf kids hate her, duh. Like, who's idea was this cuz...hello. This episode in a nutshell: The most hilarious thing about this episode is that Bay is about to get the shit beat out of her by this hood bitch who hates her. The other hearing guy in the pilot program is going deaf and falls down a lot. Emmett said he can't be friends with Bay. DUH. Why would you want to be friends with your ex girlfriend who you are still in love with? Make her jealous, she'll come back. Classic Bay. Emmett's mom is not just a slut, but ALSO a bitch! Crazy. What I'm really excited for is the next episode because Daphne's carwash friend is back and I love him because she totally friend zoned him for douchebag chef. Yay. Till next time -THIS BITCH

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Pretty Little Liars: Mona Mania Recap

Here we go. Am I the only one getting a little tired of Mona? Over it. Tell me something I don’t know.

Aria. Of COURSE you are watching a black and white movie. How indie of you. Her dad is still creeping me out. Aria is all…”don’t TOUCH ME”. fucking creep.

I love how Aria is like, “I’ve been tossing and turning all night” and these girls are like BITCH WHY ARE YOU SO SELFISH. Aria. I am over your melodramatic problems with Ezra and Alex Mack’s baby. BYE.

Spencer, your anxiety dream is boring. Sometimes you need to not be talking.

Mona how do you know what they are talking about? You’re fucking weird. Why does she sound so sugary sweet all the time? Omg I’m totally being stalked! :) NO ONE IS SIPPING HER CUCKOO JUICE.

Lets take a moment to notice how Aria dresses for high school. How is that even allowed? lol so Aria’s dad get her mom druuuuunk so he could sneak out? CLASSIC. KEEP WALKING, MER. WHORE.

What the fuck kind of weird nerd shit is that club, Spenc?

Good thing you have 17 pairs of black combat boots Aria. I would have never known how hipster you are.

OH I GET IT TOBY YOUR BOSS IS A.

BRYON MY ARRRRRM. I really can’t.

Okay so Paige I know you are having an anxiety attack but at least ABCFamily is dressing you like a girl today. jk I found your outfit, Spencer has it.

One of the answers that Spencer just spewed were the Spanish kingdoms of Medieval Times. It’s really sad that I know that….

Paige is your hair cornrowed?! Is this 2000?

If Aria and Mer are BFFs now does that mean I have to like her? Ugh, fine.

AHHHHH fuck MONA. That’s okay, Aria is my least favorite liar anyway.

Till next time, -THIS BITCH

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Twitter?

I think Bitch Revjew needs its own twitter so I can live tweet the award shows. How are we feeling about that idea?

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People's Choice Awards

I had no IDEA Jen Anniston was going to win that funniest female award. It wasn’t weird at ALL that she was clearly the only nominee from that category in the audience.

….I wonder if the other celebrities just choose not to go, or if they aren’t even invited. Like…..”nah you’re a loser so don’t even bother to show up.” Thats hilarious.

I guess you guys will have to make me famous so I can find out.

Adam Levine is on my tv now and we all know how I feel about him.

Okay so before I start commenting on the whole show, I just needed to get that rant out.

P.S- award show season is my shit. expect lots of comments. p.p.s- Alicia Keys is a fierce bitch. fuck.

THIS BITCH

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PLL premiere

Okay so first Mona is in Hana's house in the middle of the night? Totally fucking normal lets be her friend again. I wonder how they got Paula Deen to guest star. Yes, Aria, we do kinda think your dad is a creep. Oh, and cover your shoulders, Mer. how unprofessional. Also, remember when she was the dancer in Center Stage? I liked her then. There is a brain in Mona's locker. It's wet. And WHY is she awkwardly whispering to Lucas? Crazy ass bitch. Mona is all, I know I tried to kill you like 60 times each but like, I'm totally better! Is it just me or are janitors always like, really fucking creepy? Why does he have her gross doll mask? I love the hash tags that ABCFamily puts in the corner. Like when Aria finds he baby basket and the hashtag said #ohboy. Creative. Speaking of Aria and Ezra, I KNOW I should be over this by now but I just can't deal with how sickeningly obsessed Ezra is with Aria. I'm going to vom. TOBY'S BODY. It cracks me up how obnoxious Spencer can be sometimes. Like the first thing she says to Jason..."did she come up to you or did you come up to her?" like damn, relax bro. Nice hot tub, Spenc. What the fuck is this, Laguna Beach? I feel like everyone is going to judge Toby as if he was trying to put Spencer in danger or something, but I think he was just trying to get it in and Spenc was being a buzzkill. ARIAS DAD IS CREEPY AS FUCK. "why would I have?" Ew. ew.ew.ew. LUCAS. Spill your shit or gtfo. I'm not surprised that Ali was blackmailing Aria's creep dad. Good,i don't like his ass. So the weird janitor has Ali's diary? Which he is holding....for Mona? So Mona has Ali's diary, which is how Mona knows all their shit. K. Oh hey Toby, nah it's not weird that you were there at that exact moment. Mer! THIS GIRL IS ON FIREEEEEEE. Too soon? Till next time, THIS BITCH.

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Hey bitches

Ready for PLL tonight? Or actually, ready for my return to writing PLL reviews? See yah real soon. THIS BITCH

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Sorry

I haven't been around for a while. I started a new job so my life consists only of sleep and work. Lame, I know. Okay so now that I'm done being obnoxious, I have caught up with Walking Dead and am having an anxiety attack having to wait until February when it comes back on. and then having to wait until March for Game of Thrones. Killing me. I have started Next Great Baker because I love Buddy and because, hello, I'm from Jersey. so. obviously. On that note, Lettie pisses me off all the time and I can't. and WHY is everyone so obsessed with Chad? He's not that great and his name sounds like a 90s sitcom surfer. BYE. see ya soon. -THIS BITCH

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Boardwalk Empire recap: "The Pony"

FINALLY we are getting some more action on this show. Nucky had bold moves visiting Gillian and she throws her drink in his face. Good for her. I may not be the biggest fan of her character, mainly because I think she's crazy and uncomfortable, but she's a badass. She knows what she needs to do and she's smart. Nucky tries to threaten her by saying he ALLOWS her to exist in the town, but we all know Nucky is all talk and he isn't really a gangster anyway. This of course leads Gillian to tell Gyp where Nucky is going to be having dinner, which is also great. I hate Gyp, but his constant attempts to cause havoc are seriously entertaining. HARROW. HEY. Nucky is still trying to keep himself out of jail and convince Mellon to be on his side. Mellon was like, BYE. and Nucky is at square one again. Also, that guy talks funny. Margaret and Owen bang again. Great. And good ol socially awkward Van Alden is just trying to mind his own shit at work when everyone starts picking on him again. Poor Van Alden. He tries so hard to just do his job...breaking my heart a little because I actually feel bad for him. And then the fat one starts being so ride, that Van Alden IRONS HIS MUTHAFUCKIN FAAAACE. In the faaaaaaace. and I was like, we'll....good for him. Then his wife is all, bitch please I'm obviously your saving grace because I've been making alcohol since a child or some shit. So she's all I have all this extra alcohol we can see for profit, it's all good, bro. aaaaand then Babette's gets blown up because Nucky and the other gangsters were supposed to be there. But the only one who gets caught in the explosion is Billie. Oh we'll, didn't like her either. -THIS BITCH.

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New American Horror Story tonight!

Expect a recap to follow. Also, I just started watching season 1 of Walking Dead. Thanks Netflix. I feel like I can't give an accurate opinion right now because I'm only on episode 5, but expect me to be loud and opinionated soon. I am also having Game of Thrones withdrawal so I am reading A Song of Ice and Fire. ....that's all for now. Bitches.

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American Horror Story: Nor'easter

Okay first of all, why are there 27 Bloody Faces? Like, Teresa and Leo kill one, and then two nerds show up dressed like Bloody Face and kill my poor Adam Levine. And THEN when you finally think Bloody Face is a group of losers, ANOTHER Bloody Face shows up. What. Why. Sister Mary Eunice cracks me UP. She is demon possessed, and if we remember from last weeks episode, demon possessed people are hilarious. So Sister Mary Eunice (a.k.a Satan) starts tormenting Sister Jude about Sister Jude's drunk driving accident where she killed that poor girl with the unfortunate glasses. Mary Eunice is so good at driving Sister Jude nuts that Sister Jude starts drinking again, which is very entertaining for the rest of us. Dr. Arden shows Tate (should I start calling him by his actual character name now? I miss Tate.) sigh. Okay, fine. Kit. Dr. Arden shows KIT the alien bug thing he pulled out of him, which I thought was a joke in the other episode. Like, really? Aliens? Not okay. Also, Dr. Arden is so confused because he loves to like, kill hookers and shit but he doesn't like impurity? WHY ARE YOU SO AWKWARD. Alright so the reporter, Tate/Kit, Grace, and sex fiend Shelly are all trying to escape. Lesbian Lana realizes that Tate/Kit might be telling the truth about not being Bloody Face, but that the asylum may have something to do with the death of those girls. When they try to escape, here comes fucking Dr. Arden ruining EVERYTHING while also being really awkward with a statue of Mary. Shelly is all, duh, I'll handle it but come back for me, bitches. Poor Shelly. The other three make it out but run into Dr. Arden's creepy zombie motherfuckers. They are hungry and fast as FUCK so the three inmates have no choice but to go back. Sister Jude is looking for three inmates and we thought our heroes were fucked, but it turns out its he OTHER three missing inmates. Oh. Haha. Sister Jude is funny as fuck while she's drunk, also. HERE COMES THE SCARY SHIT. Dr. Arden has had some really intense hatred for poor Shelly because he hates impurity in women...or something. (But like, it's totally cool if HE ravages them. The fucker.). He tries to like, rape Shelly and Shelly laughs at him. Bold moves, Shelly. You are so fucked. ...the next scene we see Shelly covered and when Arden lifts the sheet she has no fucking legs. WHY. WHY didn't he just kill her? When he finds out Sister Jude isn't looking for her because he thinks she ran away, he's going to have a field day. I hope the other three help her out, cuz that shit sucks. Till next time- THIS BITCH.

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Pretty Little Liars: Halloween

Okay FIRST of all, who has a fucking party on a train. Why do I feel like this is literally the MOST unsafe thing to ever do. Especially in a town where people fucking die every other week. Like, what. My first problem is why the fuck is Ezra never around when this shit happens. That's shady as fuck. On the other hand, why was he even planning on going to this high school party in the first place? Like, that's awkward for everyone, Ezra. Whoever threw this party had enough money to hire Adam Lambert to play in the train. I felt like having an anxiety attack watching all those people in the concert car. Dangerous. Garret is on the train and tells Spencer that he didn't kill Alison but Jenna thinks he did because she was blind. And also that Aria's dad is shady as fuck and Alison was probably blackmailing his ass too. Womp womp. Did any one else notice that Alison was smart as fuck for an eighth grader. Like, I wasn't that smart when I was like 13 years old. Next thing we know, Aria is in a box that looks like a Saw trap and she rolls over next to dead Garrett. Then she screams and moans for like 15 minutes and I was a little concerned about the sounds she was making. Awk. There is a creepy girl hanging out with Hanna's mom. Will we find out who she is? I liked her. At the end the girls figure out that this person must be trying to get rid of the entire N.A.T club, maybe. That's fine, they are all creeps anyway. Then ::gasp:: a hand comes up from the ground. It's aliiiiiiiiiive! -THIS BITCH

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Boardwalk Recap: Sunday Best

Thank you, Terrence Winter because I needed this episode before I died of boredom. Okay so it's Easter and Margaret Schroder's daughter is proving she Is just as weird as the other kid by memorizing the names of all 23 of Eli's kids. Nucky and Eli fight and Nucky is basically like "remember that time you tried to KILL ME? oh, me too." And Margaret decided to tell SOMEONE how she's really feeling about everything and Eli's wife is so awkward and can't handle it so she ignores it like it never happened. And Margaret is like.... SHOCKER. I HATE EVERYONE. I love how Nucky tries so hard to reconnect with Margaret and she's like....UM, BYE. Gillian plans an elaborate scheme where she kills Jimmy look-alike (but not as hot) and makes it look like an overdose, genius. I have to admit, I didn't see that coming. What will Harrow do about this awkward situation? Speaking of Harrow, he takes Tommy to the vet's house because he's totally crushing on the daughter. Which is fine, she's cute. Anyway, Tommy cracks me UP because you can totally tell Jimmy raised him and he just doesn't care about shit. Tommy starts playing with the vet's dead son's army men and the old drunk FREAKS THE FUCK OUT and Harrow is all "let him go or ima kill you". The daughter does NOT like that and Harrow pretends he was joking but we all know that guy is pretty close to a shotgun in the face. He's already on like, two strikes. Also, Gyp Rosetti gets yelled at by a bunch of Italian women and eats awkwardly. Watching him eat makes me uncomfortable. Then he promises to kill Nucky AND Rothestein. ha. ahaha. GOOOOD LUCK. At the end of the episode, Nucky calls Eli and says that he's promoting him to Micky Doyle's equal. I guess it's better than working FOR Micky Doyle. Till next time -THIS BITCH.

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Boardwalk Empire Recap: Ging Gang Goolie

Classic Terrence Winter giving me an awesome episode and then following it up with this garbage. So what happened. Teddy is a crazy child who may or may not be starting fires and shit? I'm not entirely sure WHO is starting these fires. All I know is Margaret Schroder gives really awkward spankings. Here is how I feel about Nucky. I still don't think he's a bad ass. His protection is going to run out and he's scared shitless. His plan to stay out of jail is intense. The poor lawyer chick is so unfortunate. No one takes her seriously and she is totally Nucky's last resort. I loved when she saw Nucky and thought she could do damage and the judge was like "bitch relaaaaax". And then Nucky was all "break my hundred, I'm a baller". Also, I loved that guy in jail who sold 5 WHOLE CASES of alcohol. ha, Uh, Margaret and Owen are finally acting on their obnoxious sexual tension. Thank God. Will Harrow have a new love interest? I hope so. She's so cute with her old crazy drunk father. I ALMOST FORGOT THE BEST PART OF ALL- crazy Gillian sleeping with Jimmy look-alike (but not nearly as hot). SHE MAKES ME SO UNCOMFORTABLE. GILLIAN, HE'S LIKE 18 years old RELAX your hormones. crazy.

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American Horror Story: Adam Levine's Body

....that's not the title of the title of the episode? I think we should all give a prayer of thanks to the god of Ryan Murphy for giving us the gift of Adam Levine in this episode. K so first Adam Levine and Channing Tatum's wife (she has a name? weird...) are trying to bang in the old asylum and she WON'T BANG HIM because she wants to fucking go ghost hunting. This dumb bitch. So then his poor arm gets cut off and I'm like...you should have just banged him. Also, "I need help so I'm now going to run down this dark ass hallway instead of coming back the way we came." TYPICAL. Flashback to the 60's and OMG ITS TATE! With curly hair? Alright...I'll get used to it I GUESS. Okay so hold on. If there are seriously aliens involved in this season I might flip out. like, the fuck was that scene about? The former neighbor of season one is now the head nun and totally wants to bang the priest. So much sexual frustration. That's probably why she's so nasty and hates gay people. The doctor who works there is weirdly obsessed with Tate, and also with making some crazy monster things that he hides in the woods and makes the blonde nun feed or some shit. The blonde nun find the reporter lurking around and she's all "bitch, these monster things are gunna EAT YOUR ASS" and the reporter is all "fuck that I'm an independent woman" so the blonde nun is like weeeeell you can't be here and I'm not getting in trouble so BYE. At the end of the episode, Bloodyface attacks Channing Tatum's wife and the rest of us girls in the world get to live happily ever after with that thought. -THIS BITCH.

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Boardwalk Empire: You'd Be Surprised

First of all, you know what doesn't surprise me? That Gyp Rosetti had that girl choke him out while they were bangin. Van Alden, much? Awkwardddd. I was 100% uncomfortable. ...moving on. Rothstein, you are hilarious. Thank god someone called Nucky out on his shit because it needed to be done. "Sleeping with that dumb bitch and getting your men killed by Rosetti makes you weak as fuck. Also, Jersey sucks." Does Jimmy's mom even know Jimmy is dead? Why is she so awkward. Where the fuck does she think she's going to send that letter to? Nucky, leave everyone alone. Billie didn't want your help and poor Eddie has Chalky about to kill him. Like, is it that important? Relax. Side note, Eddie Cantor needs to be my GBFF. His comment to Billie about how no one will remember her was CLASSIC sassy gay friend status. Hold on, let me backtrack. ....Chalky and his bro's faces when Eddie was performing for them. So priceless. Margaret Schroder needed to punch Billie Kent out when she saw her with Nucky. But classic Margaret Schroder hands her a clinic flyer like "you probably have herpes, bitch" But the best part of ALL was when Van Alden's wife knocked that fucker OUT with a ROLLING PIN. Hell yes. You go, crazy foreign chick. Till next time- This Bitch