blackinksandsheeps - Tumblr blog

[blackinksandsheeps]

[blackinksandsheeps]

I solemnly wish to fall in love and be loved back the same way. No doubts, no fears, no barriers.

[blackinksandsheeps]

You will never find another like me and that is enough revenge.

[blackinksandsheeps]

you are allowed to be proud of yourself for things that might seem small to other people.

[blackinksandsheeps]

A pause. A prayer. A wish.

As much as the world tells you to be okay being just you, building yourself. No one wants to lonely, even if they can, it would always be so nice to have someone love you purely as you love yourself. But I am afraid to do so again; I’ve been through hell and back, i dont want to feel that void where no light seemed to penetrate. I would like to see blue skies, a peaceful sea and me in the happiest form. And i wish everyone could have that too

[blackinksandsheeps]

Pagpapatawad

Walang araw na hindi ko pinagdasal na mapatawad kita at ang sarili ko. Walang araw na hindi ko hiniling ang kapayapaan sa aking puso, walang araw na patuloy kong hinihiling na mawala na ang dulot nitong lungkot, pangungulila at galit.

Bakit? Kasi minahal kita ng totoo at buo, ngunit kahit anong sakripisyo at sayang dinulot nito, hindi parin tayo nagpatuloy. Napakasakit sakit na basta mo nalang akong binitawan, at alam kong kahabag habag na ang aking estado sa mata ng nakararaming nakakita sakin na lumuha ng patuloy para sa pag-ibig na nasayang. Hindi ako nahihiya, kasi nagmahal ako ng totoo.

Ngayon ang tangi kong hiling ay mahanap ko ang pagpapatawad sa puso ko; gusto ko ng lumaya sa nakaraan, sa galit na iyong dulot. Ayaw ko basta kalimutan lang, dahil sakin iyon ay pagtakas, gusto kong namnamin ang bawat sakit kada maalala ko ang lahat ng tungkol satin, tungkol sa iyo aking mahal. Sabi nila ang pagpapatawad ay hindi pagkalimot, at hindi pagtitiwala. Ang papatawad ay senyales ng pagmamahal.

Para sakin, ang pagpapatawad ay paglaya. Patuloy kong hinahanap sa loob ko ang mga salitang makakapagbigay sakin ng katahimikan, kapayapaan. Sana isang araw, hindi ko na maramdaman ang lungkot, pangungulila at galit mong dulot.

[blackinksandsheeps]

isang magandang alaala na lamang ang pagibig na hindi nagpatuloy, isang magandang panaginip.

[blackinksandsheeps]

Bakas

Sa bawat araw, unti unti kang nawawala, sa isip at sa puso ko. Unti-unting naglalaho ang mga bakas mo sa aking katawan, ang mga yakap at halik, bawat haplos tila parang nalalantang bulaklak. Unti-unti, mabagal, marahan.

Sa pagkawala ng mga bakas mo, ang umpisa ng paglaya ng puso kong pagod. Pagod sa patuloy na pagmamahal sayo kahit wala nang bumabalik, pagod sa pagpigil sa mga luhang parating, pagod sa pagtanggi ng katotohanang sumasampal sakin araw-araw. Sa pagkawala ng mga bakas mo, nahanap ko muli ang ngiting matagal ko ng inaasam, nawala ang takot, ang lungkot.

Sa bawat hakbang, natutunan kong mahalin muli ang sarili ko.

[blackinksandsheeps]

295

Dalawang daan at siyamnaput limang araw o siyam na bwan at labingsiyam na araw. Yan ang bilang ng mga araw na minahal kita ng walang mintis, kahit isang segundo hindi kita nakalimutang mahalin. Walang oras sa mga araw na yan na hindi ako natakot na mawala ka, walang oras na hindi kita pinili. Kahit sa mga panahong hindi tayo magkasundo, minamahal padin kita at gusto kong manatili sa tabi mo. 

Sa dalawang daan at siyamnaput limang araw, madalas magkasundo tayo. Ang bilang ng oras na pareho tayong nakangiti, tumatawa; ang mga oras na hawak mo ang aking kamay, ang mga oras na ako’y yakap mo. Ang bilang ng mga halik at sambitin ang mga salitang: “mahal kita”, hindi ko mabilang. Lalo na ang bilang ng mga hakbang na kasama ka. Masaya tayo, magaan sa pakiramdam, ngunit sa huling araw natin... pitong minuto, ang pinakamahabang pitong minuto, at ang pinakamasakit na pitong minuto ng buhay ko. 

Ngunit sa pitong minuto na iyon, hanggang sa huling segundo, minahal kita at sinabi ko un sayo, at sa huling pagkakataon, narinig ko na mahal mo ako. Ngunit, alam ko na sa sarili ko na hindi ko na kaya, kasi sa mga huling araw, ako nalang pala magisa ang nagmamahal ng buo. Hindi ka lumaban, wala. Basta mo nalang akong pinakawalan na parang wala tayong pinagsamahan.

Minahal padin kita pagkatapos ng dalawang daan at siyamnaput limang araw, ngunit, wala ng bumabalik. Nagdaan ang mga araw, may mga umagang ayaw ko ng gumising, dahil kung sa paggising ko sakit lang ng pagkawala mo ang mararamdaman ko, na para bang ang gusto ko lang gawin ay umiyak. At noong akala ko tapos na ang unos, binalikan mo ang taong wala kang ibang sinabi kundi sakit na dulot nya sa puso mo. Madami akong tanong, pero isa ang paulit-ulit na tumatakbo sa isip ko: “bakit?”

Dalawang araw, wala akong maramdaman. Walang pagibig, walang lungkot, ngunit ramdam ko sa aking puso ang galit. Dalawamput isang araw lamang ba ang kailangan mo para kalimutan mo ako?! Sa dalawamput isang araw nalimot mo ang dalawang daan at siyamnaput limang araw na minahal kita at pinaramdam ko un sayo. Sinabi ko ng paulit ulit, kahit sobrang sakit na. Pinili kong gawin un ng buong puso at naniwala ako sa sinabi mong mahal mo din ako. Nung mga araw na un, gusto kong iparamdam sayo kung gaano kasakit ang binigay mo. Ngunit para saan pa? Para saan?!

Isang tanong ang lumitaw sa isip ko nung mga araw na un: “marunong ka ba talagang magmahal?” Tila may gumising sakin sa isang bangungot. Ako ay sapat, karapatdapat para sa tunay na pag-ibig! Kaya kong umibig kahit nasaktan na ako ng madaming beses. Biglang lumiwanag muli ang aking mundo.

Pagktapos ng labing-apat na araw, ang puso ko’y naghilom.

Salamat sa dalawang daan at siyamnaput limang araw na pinasaya mo ako, dahil sa mga araw na un, nalaman kong mahalaga ako at karapatdapat para sa tunay na pag-ibig. Salamat.

[blackinksandsheeps]

Sa pagmulat ng aking mga mata

Sa pagmulat ng aking mga mata, nakita ko ang liwanag. Ang malawak at masayang mundo, mas matingkad kaysa sa naalala ko. Minahal kita ng buong puso at walang taong magsasabi na nagkulang ako, kahit ikaw na hindi lumaban. Ngunit sa pagmulat ng aking mga matang pagod kakaiyak, mga matang pagod kakahanap sa mali sa akin, nakita ko ang sarili ko. Sa pagmamahal ko sayo, nakalimutan kong kailangan ko din ang sarili ko. Kailangan ko din ng pagmamahal na katumbas ng ibinibigay ko sayo. Tumahimik ang mundo, parang huminto ang lahat. Tama, nakalimutan kong mahalaga ako ng sampung beses o higit pa sa mga bagay na pinagpalit mo ako.

Sa pagmulat ng aking mga mata sa bawat araw na haharapin, patatawarin kita. Patatawarin kita sa pagsasabing nakakasakal ako, gayong ibinigay ko sayo ang kalayaan. Patatawarin kita sa hindi mo paglaban, at patatawarin ko ang sarili ko sa pagsuko, sa isang laban na ako na lamang ang nakatayo. Sa dami ng laban, ito ang aking susukuan. Bakit ako sumuko? Tinanong kita! Nakiusap at halos magmakaawa na lumaban ka para satin, para sa magandang kinabukasang gusto kong maranasan mo. Ngunit pinili mong sumuko, at pinili mo ang huwad na kapayapaan na handog ng isang pirasong tabletas. Sa mga oras na iyon, alam ko na sa sarili ko: pagod na ako. Ipinikit ko ang aking mga mata ng mahigpit, ayaw ko ng makita ang katotohanan sa iyong mga salita. Ngunit kahit ipikit ko ang aking mga mata, ramdam ko ang sakit. Sakit na dumudurog sa iyong dibdib, hindi ko na kaya.

Paulit ulit kong sinabi sa sarili ko: “mahal kita! mahal na mahal kita!” Pero kahit ang puso ko ayaw ng lumaban. Sa pagpikit ng aking mga mata, paulit ulit kong nakikita ang masasayang araw kasama ka. At hindi na sila madudugtungan, at sa mga araw na ako’y bulag sa tunay mong anyo, nagawa mo padin akong saktan. Mula noon, akoy nagising.

Ngayon, sa pagmulat ng aking mga mata. Hindi na kita hahanapin, dahil kailangan ko munang mahalin muli ang sarili ko, hindi para sa iba, hindi para sayo. Para sakin, bilang pasasalamat sa maykapal na nagbigay nito. Para sa araw na ako’y haharap muli sa kanya, ako’y buo, masaya at puno ng pagmamahal.

[blackinksandsheeps]

Halaga

Katumbas ka ba ng isang litrong bote ng alak?

katumbas ka ba ng isang kahang sigarilyo?

katumbas ka ba ng 3gramong damo o ilang piraso ng droga?

Alam mo ba ang halaga mo bilang isang tao? ang halaga mo sa sarili mo? Hindi para sa kahit sino na pwede mong makasalamuha. Ang pagibig mong walang katapusan, katumbas ba ng kahit anong bisyo? Katumbas ka ba ng mga bagay na panandalian lang ang epekto? Nilikha ka upang umibig at ibigin ng wagas, ng walang katumbas na materyal na bagay.

[blackinksandsheeps]

Over and gone

A day after I wrote my last entry, I talked to him one last time. That day everything inside my shook, in my head: “that’s it, that’s enough...” They were talking about having another session that coming weekend, and I have no more words. So, at the end of the day, I talked to him. I didnt scream, despite being so frustrated, but I did cry. I asked him to cut the acids and the shrooms, he can leave the pot and have it occasionally as he claimed, but no. With no second thoughts, with no concern that I was bawling as I hugged and kissed him one last time, he chose his habits over me. I couldnt believe my eyes, and the things I heard from him, I was being accused of being controlling even, when all I want is what’s best for him for the long term. I couldnt believe, that I was being told that I knew nothing, and I knew to myself that he is wrong. He knew nothing about me. That night it hurt so bad, I didnt want to let him go, because everything was okay, I was so happy being with him. But I am a person that had to get things done, I am a person that is reasonable, and I did what I stated on my last entry. I broke up with him through phone.

I could recall everything, the short exchange of words between us. He decided to have a stroll that night as I called him, and this is how it goes after checking the signal and the noise around him:

me: I love you

him: I love you too!

m: but I cannot accept that part of you... I’m sorry, I really could not.. I dont want this anymore... 

at that point I was crying really hard, and he was surprised and he simply just agreed. And even blamed me for it. Because he told me in the first place. I cut him off before he could even continue, because we already talked about it hours ago. It ended just like that. In the morning I took away what I gave him from his table, and threw them in the bin, and he came late for work. And you know, he was okay, like nothing happened. My friends found out that day, and some hated him for how he acted. I cried the whole day, devastated, because I was so disappointed, and so heartbroken. The person whom I thought would choose me, didnt, and he simply let go like there was nothing.

Now, it has been a month. And this pandemic has been happening, but before the pandemic, I cried everyday, and I didnt care if people were there. But my friends and family never failed to be there, to check on me, to listen to my petty and repetitive issues. I continued to go to the gym, and began painting again. And I began doing research and I read articles of what I was going through, I want this thing to be over and I never want to reach the point where I could be having mental and physical health problems. And I found something, and it has been echoing in my head and in the articles, and what my family and friends say: its not your fault.

It happened, and I did everything I could to solve it, and it broke me not because I couldnt change his mind, but because he is not afraid to loose me. If he is completely okay with that, why cant I? Because I love him, I genuinely do. Even at his worst, I do. It hurts a lot and I sometimes cry about it, I want to forgive myself, I want to forgive him, and honestly I dont want him back after what he has showed me. I realized so many things after doing research, after untangling things in my head.

I am better than he is, not because I am older, but because I know the value of what I had, myself. I know what real love looks like, and it is not my responsibility to teach that to anyone, but it is something for me to show and make others feel it. It is not my job to change anyone for me, but theirs, they just have to decide. But most importantly, I learned that I am capable of giving love despite being so broken myself, that I am capable of long term relationships and I can actually keep it as long as the person I am loving chooses me, and I understand what love is. My friends told me: you dont have to mind him anymore, I know you’re sad about all this and that doesnt mean the love you shared isnt true, it is not just mean to be. You should be thinking about yourself now, go out! Try new things, you’re so much better. And its okay to be sad, and you just had to forgive, so you could forgive yourself. 

There are some things you cannot control, and you have to forgive yourself. It will be a hard journey for me again, but there is nothing that I couldnt surpass. I did this before, and there were no words left unsaid, I told him everything and it is nobody’s fault, so there is no point in blaming. Right now I just want to be at sea, floating peacefully under the bluest sky.

[blackinksandsheeps]

Love and a few drugs

I got into a relationship, and it has been months, almost a year even! We had a few ups and downs of course, and its the healthiest I’ve ever been into. I loved his childlike ways of showing he loved me, and whenever we get to go out, it was always a fun day with him. Everything was okay, even the things I dislike about him except for one: he started drugs.

He told me that at the beginning of the relationship, and he only told me he smokes pot once or twice a month. So I still went with him, it just a few times a month and it doesnt do as much bad as other substances. But lately, his best friend, started taking the next ‘heavy’ things, acid. And I already told him that I am uncomfortable about it, I am not prohibiting him of smoking but I asked him not to take anymore of other substances. Some people would like to get out of it and they couldnt, and what if they get caught? Who will save him? I would, but how? His mother? (his poor mother, bless her heart... she’s already been through so much).

I am so afraid, and the fact that we had plans to get married after a few more years made me think: I would be marrying this man and everything he has, can I accept this one bad flaw? Right now, I do not have the answer, or am I just ignoring it. For reasons that I would want to see how I feel about it, not that I support him, but I trust him because I asked him not to. I love him very much and I would like to see the future with him in a happy place. And I would try to save him and choose him over and over again even if the world is against it, as long as he chooses me. But if not, and he chooses the new habits, then I guess, I have to choose myself.

But for now, I am trying. As long as I can still feel and say: ‘I love you’ I will go on and fight. And I know it will not be an easy task. God help me, I cannot do this alone.

[blackinksandsheeps]

30 days with him.

I talked to him first. I stayed away talking to him, I enjoyed and I felt happy talking to him no matter what topic. And then, suddenly, he told me he liked me so much. And I do too, and from there we took off.

We first met near the church, we ate lunch in a small pizza parlor, we talked about everyone we knew, we are both straight forward and honest. From just as hour of talking, we knew that we are in a good path.

The second time we met, we ate brunch at a fast food restaurant. He had chicken and fries, while I had chicken nuggets and rice. We talked about the things we liked, and we went on like that for an hour. Then, while we were waiting for a bus, he held my hand for the first time. It felt awkward, but not wrong. Then, when the bus arrived, when I was about to get on, he pulled me close to him and kissed me for the first time. I got on the bus, my brain loading from what had just happened.

The third and final time we met was his mother’s birthday. He introduced me to his mother, to her aunt. They were all nice. Then the next thing I knew, I was introduced to his friends, and that afternoon I held his hand and kissed him like I meant it. I do. As time goes, we’re the only ones left, and we found ourselves kissing under the night sky. He held me like I was the most precious thing in the world and I responded to every touch.

We ended up in his room, and that night, I let go of what I was always protecting, it felt right, I dont feel any regret. He told me he loved me. And it ached a little, and I told him I liked him, we stayed like that, and I wish the night would last longer.

In the morning, everything went downhill for me and for him. I told him that the moment I entered his room last night, I saw a photo of him and his ex, still in a frame. From there everything in me broke, and I could never forget his replies, his words. “I’m sorry, I could not throw it for now,” he said, when all I said was that I SAW it, I never asked him to get rid of it, he could keep it but not in anyone’s sight.

When I asked him: do you still love her? This was his reply: “I do not know, but sometimes I miss her.” I am not angry, just sad that I could not get hi whole heart, when I am giving him my whole. I just wish he thought things through before telling me he loves me. That night, he even cleared the degree of love he has for me, I felt something inside me cracked a bit.

I thought everything was fine, when he messaged me again a week after I asked for a break. Then after 3 days, he didnt message me, not a single one. I am not angry at him, a week before, just sad, and now it boiled my blood. And I made sure it exploded on him. But he seemed not to be affected. I told him how I feel, and he doesnt know what to say. Then, thinking of maybe it will cool me down, that I would be satisfied, he asked for friendship. That made me so angry.

Every curse word that I held back just flowed right at him, what is wrong with him? I keep asking myself, this I have no words anymore, I choose to leave. Why? Because I deserve to be happy, to have a heart for me to love as whole as what I can give. It felt so painful. But i held my head up high, knowing what I did was difficult, knowing what I decided is thought through. I gave him a chance, twice, I am not going to wait for the third one. May he find peace for himself.

[blackinksandsheeps]

the stupid hero

here i was loving a guy in another one of the angel’s name. And this time, it hurt a lot being the rebound, a hero that saved the hurt angel. the man wore sheep’s wool, he is a wolf. Oddly, i fell in love with the wolf inside him, the big greedy wolf that knew how to lure its prey.

I wore the most beautiful red cape, and he marveled how beautiful i was, then he walked with me through the forest. My strongest companion, he conquered the monsters as we got through the forest, he conquered me. Then one day, he vanished.

I woke up in a place, a glen. He was gone, from a distance he told me he went back to his beautiful sheep, the beautiful white sheep that he loved. It broke my heart, I was so angry, I wept and told him couldnt forgive him. But the wolf apologized with all his heart and left me.

A year, later the red caped girl forgave the wolf. She was so in love that she’d forgive him, she’d accept that no love would return. The wolf and the red caped girl, became friends again, but with the red caped girl wounded in the heart.

One day, the wolf clarified the wrong things he did to the girl. The red caped girl, cried her heart out for days. She wanted to die in her sleep, she felt numb and yet she feels love, love that can never return. The red caped girl saw something, she saw the wolf’s heart, and a part of it reflected her. Lying, greedy wolf, kept quiet despite what he does screamed of her. 

The beautiful white sheep left the wolf, and there she is the red caped girl by the wolf’s side, loving him, taking care of him. Despite the pain and the tears in her eyes, she faced the wolf, she tended on him. But when the red caped girl asked questions, the wolf would ignore her questions, and as this goes, the red caped girl told the wolf she loved him. She told him that over and over, but the wolf just kept quiet. 

That is all for now, for our stupid hero an her big bad wolf

[blackinksandsheeps]

Its been a while

it has been a while since i opened this account, and i feel sad not being able to do it as often as before. But here i am typing my heart away.

Lately i’ve been through a lot of stress, i worried about things a lot, like work, family and relationships. I got into a phase, where I forced myself to eat just so my ulcer would not return, but currently my lack of appetite is not showing on my skin and body. Its awful, its either i am always sleep or awake, crying. 

I couldnt believe i am facing this again, months before I do enjoy my job, but now, I lost interest in it. I want to leave, but because I have some responsibilities, I could not just leave. I dont have any assets, but i would like a place of my own. I feel pressured. Second, my heart. I was broken hearted for the past few days, and i believe it will go on for months or years, hopefully not as long as the first one. I lost to an exgirlfriend of 5years, accepting my loss was easy, but the painful truth was worse, his words echoed and broke me for days. And as it does, my tears would just fall, weather I’m alone or at my desk working. I destroyed me.

Many months before, i was okay, i wasnt in love, but my heart feels hallow. It was okay, and the feeling of being in love is what i missed the most, but i guess I would like to be loved too. Now, I am in love and it was failure, my heart is full but it feels like its going to fall off my chest. I hate it. I cried and cried to release the pain, my anxieties, I talked to my friends and it helped a lot. But I couldnt help but have self pity, blaming myself for a lot of things. But its not my fault, its nobody’s fault, its not just in its proper timing. But it hurts, it hurts a lot.

I went to my friends place and had a bottle of flavored beer, watched anime just like the old times. Told her everything, teared up a bit. And for the first time, in days of crumbling and misery, I felt better. I just had be some place else, my impulsive plans were cleared with better ones. I guess I just have to endure a bit longer. I just wish, if i meet him again, it wouldnt hurt as much..

As we were telling our tales, we both had this times where, we though of killing ourselves, which is so funny that we both didnt do it just because its slow and painful and we dont want to die looking so bad in our funerals (yeah I know, its stupid, but it keeps us alive). We both acknowledge depression, it real but its not permanent, everyday we have choices, we are given choices to live or not, or to stay alive or not. When I woke up in her place, after a bottle of weak beer, it hurts, but not as painful as the last days. I just wish it goes away completely, but I would like to leave first before he does.

Now, I want to get over it, fall out of it like what happened before, and go on life and see the world. My dreams are bigger than my fears.

[blackinksandsheeps]

the worst so far

my 20s love life had been a great and exciting roller coster, and as far as my journey goes for that part of my life, this is the one that sucked a lot.

the story I shall have to make it short, details for such things are not as necessary as my conclusions and thoughts to release my stress and emotions.

I met this guy at work, he is younger than me and he was friendly and kept asking me things. I answered each and everyone of his questions and from there we were friends, and soon he was accompanying me as I walk home. But not for long, I noticed that he seemed to distance himself away from me, so i tried not to stress about it and moved on with my life and tried a dating app (in which I made friends!). After a week of ignoring him, he talked to me and asked me if I was mad at him. I told him, no and so he made that following week with me great, and also it was the week before I went overseas for work.

Then on my last day, we sneaked a hug and suddenly he kissed my lips. I did expect that, but i didnt expect that he would be the one to initiate. So after everyone left, we continued to kiss but we did not want to have sex, we just hugged and kissed. And that was that.

And after a few days of me being overseas, I messaged him that I missed him. But then from there he confessed that he and his ex girlfriend were back together. Screw him. 

So what the hell was the kissing and hugging for?! He is the worst person so far and he expects me to forgive him just because he apologized. You know dear reader, what I did? nothing badass, but rather normal, i declined his apology and told him how I feel about what i did, I kept on swearing at him. I showed him how sad and bitter i was, and how much of an assh*le he is. And what’s more, he even expects me to remain friends with him. I am mad, but i havent lost some important marbles in my head. 

And so i cried for a few days, and talked to his close friend about it. If i was feeling normal or irrational, and then he agrees. I told him what i want to do if I see him again, i want to punch him in the face. His friend wouldnt even stop me, he’d let me have my chance to do it.

currently, i am still overseas, and I wonder what would be me reaction if i see him again. Would my blood boil? 

i am half glad and half sad about it, that I had to loose another person. But there’s always room for more~