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I might actually kill my father loool

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New proper Update! :3

Dear Diary, Its been some time! Honestly the last few days have been a deep dive into what I wanna do. And even though it feels scary at the moment, I wanna try letting go of a STEM career which i wanted to persue, and do what I have passion for, art, music and animation! I know this path is more unclear then the other but I will try my best. However i am sort of ghosting my therapist for a little while since she wants to talk about something I dont want to. Haha. Great right? And Its SUMMER TIME now which is horrible for me. People expect you to go out and do so much stuff and I dont wanna explain everyone why I cant spent too much time outside. To remind you, I have illnesses which give me optic illusions(?) I guess and those make it draining to be outside. They get triggered by warmth, stress and light. Which is exactly what summer is all about. I see like waves which are like half see through? and distort the objects that are behind it. I mean technically I got diagnosed with "Migraine with Aura" But I cant have a muted migraine (= Migraine without headache) each time I go inside the sun?? right?? Normally you get like one per month or half year or something. PLUS Migraine with aura is diagnosed most on young women with stress (So like every woman??) Yeah. I think what I have might not have a name yet maybe. I have different optic illusions depending on what state of emotion I am in, if light is involved, if stress whatever! I went to an Eye doctor who said physically my eyes are good they see nothing that could be wrong. They did all the tests and stuff what typically could be broken which could cause the issues I discribe. I went to a neurologist and after the MRT was fine he said Migraine with aura Psychologist said its a mental thing. But even if its JUST like in my head, I still see the stuff DOIWEQJDOEWJIO LIKE that doesnt make it any less real and bothersome. I might make a manga about my illness stuff, I think that could be cool! c: Maybe I just have a tumor somewhere and nobody knows where it is LOOOOLLL Okay thats my lil ramble. love ya! xoxo

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Please let me feel something, anything!!! I feel so fucking empty

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Lil update!

My dad said he might kick me out lmao I will so get a own space to live and be gone and never talk to him again

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PLEASE

Netflix and you f*ngering me under my blanket??

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The disappointment when you wake up.. I wanna sleep forever

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I want to die. Genuinely. I don't know where to go or what to do anymore.

I can't keep suffering like this. My life hurts, being alive hurts. The high and low is too much to bear and NOBODY understands it.

I just want to die, I don't want to fight anymore please I just want to give up.

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“what happened to your arm” idk i cut it ? fuckin retard

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My body disgusts me

No seriously, it does. I look like a normal school girl.

I look like what you would imagen a pretty normal school girl looks like. AND I AM FUCKING DISGUSTED BY IT!!11

I dont feel normal!!! I dont!! I feel like my soul is dying and I wanna hurt myself, I wanna see bruises I wanna see cuts I wanna see fucking cigarett burns on my skin, ANYTHING so I dont look in the mirror and feel so disconnected from how I feel

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Thoughts on ambition and goals

Dear diary,

I have finished watching Blue lock, the soccer anime.

I feel like I relate to Sae a lot.

I am pretty good at art and anytime someone sees my work they say "Wow you have some serious talent, ever thought about working as a artist?"

Which is stupid because if I didnt, I would never had become so good.

Though.. Sae wanted to become the best striker.. and after he saw all the talent of other players and how good they are, he realized he could never be the number 1.

Thats exactly my situation. I see how great other people are at art and how will I ever surpass them? And if I cant, whats the point of doing art at all?

I want to be the best artist.. but even if I try and go into a art school.. sometimes my drawings make me wanna puke.

I hate art and at the same time I cant stop trying.. why am I trying so hard at something impossible?

thats all for today.. I slept 13h today and I wanna go back to bed.. I am just exhausted..

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I feel terrible

Dear diary,

I feel horrible. I couldnt go to school and missed an exam even.. I have a headache and havent showered in like almost a week now. I also havent eaten any cooked food for at least 3 weeks and only eat instant noodles.

I am fucking depressed again and try SO HARD not to cut myself but man.. I hate everything.. I have such a headache..

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The fuck is going on with my brother?!

Dear diary,

I have 2 little brothers. One is 6 years old and the other one is 5 years old. (They are technically my half-brothers but I just refer to them as brothers)

Today my dad and my step mom went to the kindergarden because my small brother apparently, touched another kids private parts.

yeah like what??

Apparently the other kid was scared to go to the kindergarden after that for weeks and then the parent of him told the kindergardeners.

There were apparently 3 women sitting infront of my dad and step mom and told them that they think something is wrong.

They listed that this incident traumatized the other kid.

He is also very late with speech development. (He speaks a lot but super super unclear and very mumbly, if you dont hear him everyday you can not make out what he says)

To add to that, he still cant use the toilet like his brother. He is still using diapers.

Google says:"Toilet training or potty training is helping your child learn to use the toilet. Your child will learn to do this with your help. They will usually be ready to learn between the age of one-and-a-half and 3 years old. But each child is different and will start in their own time."

So he is basically 2 years (almost 3 now) late.

Apparently the other kids also bully him because of his diapers since he stinks if he poops.

And everyone with a little knowledge of pedagogy knows that sounds foul.

I personally believe he is autistic. It matches with a lot of the criteria. Although he is young and you cant tell that well..

The touching private parts, which meant butthole and penis btw, is odd though.

That made me remember..

Sometimes I have to babysit my brothers. Like make them food and put them to bed.

Recently they talked an awful lot about marrying and who they wanna marry and if they can marry in their family.

(Which is weird but I mean c'mon its children, like they will ask weird questions eventually)

I always try to talk to them about like their day and interests like just listen what goes on in their mind, since their parents push an ipad in their hands and think they finished their job most of the time.

Once my smaller brother (the one with all the issues) said litterly

"Sometimes dad is tickling my penis, it feels so weird" And he smiled like all it was a funny game.

honestly I dont even know what I responded but I was just shocked. I told myself like "No he is a kid, sometimes they say weird stuff"

But then I am like.. could it.. like could it be???? I cant imagine it but then on the other side if I wouldnt be his daughter I maybe would look at this differently.

The kindergardener were threatening to call children protetive services and my dad told me he said like "Thats overstepping, we are the parents, we decide!" And my step mom apparently even cried.

Like.. I never got it. My mom also never wanted children protective services but if I were a mom, I would do whats best for the child and if that would be suggested I would call them myself!

Why be scared if you are trying your best?

They wont just take children away on a whim. ONE reason to not though would be if you KNOW you are doing something wrong and dont want to get caught.

They always say most children molested cases are close friends and family..

I just dont know what to do. Because, yeah maybe in a few years we all laugh about it but maybe.. maybe I am looking away from something I shouldnt.

Around 30% to 50% of child sexual abuse cases are committed by family members, such as parents, stepparents, siblings, uncles, aunts, or grandparents.

I decided I will tell my therapist tomorrow and get her opinion.

ALSO one important Event is that when my dad pushed my step mom, like he was using somewhat physical violence on her, he saw all of that, his brother did not.

Maybe he got trauma or something from that, it was scary as fuck. I heard it all from upstairs. She was yelling like a madwoman and he was yelling and pushing right back. She fell to the ground and yelled like

"DONT TOUCH ME, DONT COME NEAR ME!"

And ran with my brother out the garden to neighbors. I brang her diapers and baby stuff because she didnt wanted to return to home that night.

And my dad got blackout drunk. like completely blackout drunk and cried. (Yes he cried, he never cries normally)

I asked him what happened and of course he lied and said she just tripped and he didnt even touch her. (sure)

He just wept and sobbed hard about that he had dark memories and issues he cant surpress anymore and he just cant deal with her anymore.

(He fled his country as a young boy with like 3 siblings and his mother and the man she married. They almost got killed and tried 4 times before they sucseeded. His father was also not present in his life ((The grandpa with bipolar I mentioned before)))

So yeah I bet he has some demons he is surpressing but still.

Physical violence is a line you cant cross!

But yeah so my brother saw all of that and my step mom said he was completely out of it and I bet that has something to do with it as well.

Anyways thats some heavy shit right there.

I love you as always and stay safe! xoxo sloppy kisses for you all <33

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I am a genius.

I actually am. No kidding. I am unstoppable. I am rich, hot as fuck, young and incredibly smart.

I am so tired of being surrounded by limited minded people. I need people who are visionaries like me.

I know I sound like the biggest narcissist but fuck am I lying? No.

I wanna fuck someone or get fucked haarrrddd

Anyways~ love ya xoxo <333

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I am so frustrated!

Dear diary, I am litterly so annoyed. Dating apps dont help and the guy from school doesn't have any interest as well.

A friend of mine broke up with her boyfriend like 2 months ago and ALREADY has a new guy from school who is really sweet to her.

How does she do it?! Do I have such a bad aura.. urgh

I swear imma stay alone forever

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One more thing I remember! + Updates on that stalker

Dear diary,

I forgot one more thing to add to my latest post..

When I was in elementary school.. (Already a great start right?)

I remember in school I always got pulled out of class or after class to one teacher. He did like self defense classes and was pretty old.

Around like end 40s to 50s

When I asked him why he pulled me out of school, he simply said he talked it over with my parents.

When i asked my mother eventually she said she had no idea and my kid brain was like "huh.. okay"- like i just accepted that with no sense of like maybe there is something wrong..

He just talked to me but I remember feeling very uneasy with him. He leaned in way too close to me and always singled me out. he didnt touch me or anything but all of it was just weirdly intimate.

And so at some point I went to my mom and, even my innocent childhood brain noticed something aint right.

"Mom.. I think that one teacher.. I think he might be in love with me" I said embarassed to my mother. I remember saying it somewhat like that. My mom just said something like

"Huh. Okay I see." And I think she was thinking about it but nothing changed or happened so.. yeah theres that.

As much as I think back I see like a pattern. All the times an old man liked me and NOBODY told me that wasnt okay. No action or protective instinct.

I doubt my father knew of any of that as well.. not really his fault maybe but my mom didnt bother telling him anything, especially not stuff like that.

So yeah. I am glad I see it now at least.

BUT TO THE STALKER TOPIC!

I will make a seperate post to that some other day but just know this one guy isnt leaving me alone for months to an year now.

I blocked him everywhere and told him to leave me alone and he still manages to go over friends of friends of ex classmates to even a teacher of mine, to tell me to unblock him since he wants to talk to me.

I saw him in the bus I usually take and, if I tell you.. I switched the street 3 times, and he followed my street side EACH TIMES before I started RUNNING to school.

I swear.. To get killed by a stalker would fit my life ngl.

And the other guy I rejected 4 times already send me a picture of a lost military cave and said he would love to take me there to picknick.

I really cant- who are these men?!?!

Anyways thats really all for today <33 xoxo mwa mwa

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Childhood memories and my mom

Dear Diary,

Its been some time! I have been pretty okay, which is great but well I wouldnt write you if I still felt great. I remembered something the other day.

Whenever my therapist asked me, when the earliest feelings of like "depression" or just feeling not like other kids were, I always said around 12 years old.

Because at that time I got groomed and remembered that I connected with that guy so well since he was struggling with like heavy depression and I could relate.

However!

As I was in the living room the other day a memory flooded back to me.

I was in elemantary school, so around 8 years old.

What problems does an 8 year old have, am I right? Well apparently a lot.

I remember as clear as day, that when I was alone (Like all the time, I got neglected HARD if you couldnt tell) I went outside on the street and layed myself infront of a driving car. I just remember like an aching feeling, I was a kid so I didnt thought about it I just felt it.

My neighbor was in that car, she was an elderly woman and when she noticed me she stopped the car and stepped out asking me if I could move so she could drive.

I lowkey answered "But I want you to drive me over so I can die" And started crying, probably also embarassed cuz what the fuck?

I remember her just being deeply confused and then told me to go back inside or something but she didnt told my mom or anything so nothing really followed after that.

Yeah crazy memory that just popped back into my brain.

So yeah I think I was always sort of weird. As much as I think about my earliest memories, I truly believe neglecting your children is one of the worst things you could do.

My mom was divorced and I didnt had contact to my dad back then. She worked full time and wasnt really the type to be a mom really.

She was my mother yeah, but she wasn't a mom is the usual sense. She basically didnt parent me at all. She left me to my own devices most of the time.

Heck, when I told her a 23 year old wanted to meet up with me, she told her 12 year old daughter that, if that makes me happy sure.

I mean when she found the nudes he forced me to send to him, she went with me to the police yeah but never talked about that again or looked that I got the help I needed. The process didnt even go through.. He probably didnt got any punishment which is FUCKED UP.

I needed glasses BAD as well and since she wasnt a person who would go to the doctor more then once a year or something, she didnt bother really sending me to the doctor for anything as well.

I got neglected in every sense of the word. She wasn't there physically, emotionally but money at least was never a problem.

Anyways.

Its just super duper complex.. She wasnt inherently a bad person I believe. I think she thought of me more like her friend and emotional pillar then a child.

She screamed for her own mom (my grandma) like always when she was doing bad. Which isnt very comforting for an child, if that child sees how desperate and easily scared her own mom is, as you can maybe imagine.

So yeah that was all. I feel really bad now. But i will try to not self harm regardless. The scars look so ugly >:(

OH! And I am looking to be a nude model for art schools, I heard you can make some cash with that.

much love and many sloppy kisses for you xoxo

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Going back to school after being sick

Dear diary,

I was sick. Like reaaallly sick. I am speaking of thowing up 4 times a night and 39,5 degrees fever. But I am sort of okay now. It started Sunday and now it's Tuesday and I stayed home until now.

However tomorrow I go to school again. Everything would be okay but everytime I get so super duper sick I feel myself sliding back into thought such as

"How long can I stay without eating?"

Because like.. I haven't eaten much really for 3 days. And I am okay. I couldn't because of my stomach but.. you know.. makes me think.

Maybe that could be my new self harming? But I love good food way too much I think. Though I do get disgusted at pizza or anything non organic at the moment.

I wanna be vegan too for the animals and stuff. But sushi is so fucking good. Urgh.

I will see.. my stomach hurts but thinking about food makes me disgusted as well.. oh man. I am so tired.

Anyways.. wish me luck for the school day.

Xoxo many hugs from me