boycalledaxel

[boycalledaxel]

✨ life update from the chaos crypt ✨

Hi. It’s been like… while since I last screamed into the Tumblr void and I figured I should say something before I turn into a mythological creature whispered about in tags.

So….. here’s the thing. I haven’t been doing too great. My brain’s been on its suspicious little nonsense again. Paranoia’s been high, energy’s been low, and I’ve been floating somewhere between “curling into a ball” and “watching the walls breathe.” Not a fun combo. Basically I’ve been existing in permanent ✨alert goblin mode✨ and it’s been exhausting.

I haven’t had it in me to be online, to post art, or even talk much. Just surviving took up all my spoons. But I’m still here. Still full of glitter dust somewhere under the fog.

If you’ve messaged me, thank you💕.

I probably saw it. I probably appreciated it more than I can say. I just didn’t know how to reply without screaming or vanishing. I’ll be back when I can, properly. Promise.

// Axel 💫💥🕳️✨

[boycalledaxel]

[boycalledaxel]

Happy pride to everyone who is schizo-spec/psychotic and lgbtqia+ !!!

We are real. Our mental illness doesn't invalidate our identity. Our identities aren't the reason we are mentally ill.

We are a crucial part of both communities and we are a tough ass group of people.

[boycalledaxel]

Being in a psych ward is like… being a houseplant in a glass room.

You’re technically alive, being watered, given light, but not really thriving, not really wild.

People mean well. They really do.

But sometimes I wish they’d stop looking at me like I’m broken glass they have to walk around.

[boycalledaxel]

[boycalledaxel]

[boycalledaxel]

This is how I look after these couple of days - like ✨shit✨

but still alive I guess

[boycalledaxel]

what’s it called when you’re so disconnected from reality that cold water doesn’t feel like anything and you can barely taste food anymore

[boycalledaxel]

[boycalledaxel]

Last night was horrible and now I’m drooling and my brain is mushed in a olanzapine-blender

everything’s soft and slow and mildly dreamlike. won’t be online much—trying to let the sedation do its thing without fighting it (for once).

see you when the fog lifts or when i stop thinking in soup. whichever comes first.

[boycalledaxel]

Me, in therapy today:

So hypothetically, if someone were to completely reinvent themselves because they feel like a cosmic glitch wearing a meat suit—would that be “progress”or just another identity crisis with extra glitter?

Therapist: *longest pause known to man*

…What would it mean for that “someone” to feel real?

Me: Gross. Don’t psychoanalyze me in my own monologue.

Anyway, 10/10 emotional ambush. Would recommend.

Still not sure if I’m spiraling or did some reflection but I did steal two pens on the way out. So, balance.

[boycalledaxel]

[boycalledaxel]

[boycalledaxel]

[boycalledaxel]

Pizza or pasta or both?

I’m a Pizza guy! But not the horrible Swedish abomination with banana and curry - but a margarita is my pizza of choice 🍕

[boycalledaxel]

Far too much talk about how "dangerous" psychotic/schizophrenic people are. Far too little talk about how easy it can be for an abuser to take advantage of a person who is already labeled as "crazy". We're usually among the victims - not the perpetrators.

[boycalledaxel]

Yesterday sucked.

i woke up already in the wrong layer of reality. like my brain forgot what planet we’re on and just tossed me into “everything is wrong” mode.

One of the nurses tried to talk to me like i was made of glass and i almost bit him (emotionally. probably).

Then i sat in my room and stared at the wall for like an hour straight, listening to the same 12-second loop of a song on repeat because it matched the mood of internal screaming.

also i cried. but in a cool way.

then someone said “how are you feeling today?” and i almost laughed so hard i choked on air.

like. buddy. i am a sentient existential crisis in sweatpants. how do you think i’m doing.

but i’m still here

(And on the bright side it’s Monday and back to the regular staff and cause I CANT with some of the weekend staff..)