bpdlivingdiary

[bpdlivingdiary]

[bpdlivingdiary]

[bpdlivingdiary]

I'm having such a bad few days. The doctor frightens me.

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The Beast Yoshitaka Amano

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 Aditi, Lajja Gauri: (Mother of the Demigods, the Goddess of Earth, Harvest and Produce. She is Boundless, Vast and Limitless like the Sky. She Embodies Infinity and the Primordial Vastness. https://www.rahasyavedicastrology.com/punarvasu-nakshatra/?fbclid=IwAR3_0-AaHkSc0YKYZ4fzQ5anlEElCXOugcwwBei1cl6L8Zq4Dg58B6lHMu4

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Die Bachnymphe (the stream nymph) Ernst Fuchs

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Avalokiteśvara Blessings Mandala

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a new morning, a new day. it's always so nice to be able to advocate in a public space for people who have been disenfranchised the same ways as me. ever since i was a child, i felt my wordiness was too much, stifled my speech to the "normal" kind because i had more solace in studying the minute rules of grammar books and reading encyclopedias and almanacs and great novels... than any children my age.

it's a bit sad to think about. i never found it useful. but if all the pain ive been through can help me make even one person feel better, its worth it. to help even one person stand taller, and work forward instead of falling into hating themselves. there's too much information everywhere, it's a cloud. ive been through terrible pain trying to navigate what is "real", what is "normal", what is "doing things right". but to see someone light up from just me being able to explain what they feel? to see the relief of being defended, being seen and known, it's different. it brings me light and i want to give more to others. this sounds so cultish but the light in my life is so sparing. comorbid mental illness and neurodivergency can make you feel wholly broken, like so many pieces are wrong no one can fix any given one. finally, after so many horribly low moments, after so much fighting, im in a place to be happy. i must share my joy with a world i see so bleakly as much as i can.

will I do anything? likely no. but ive already made one person feel better. and i'm making me feel better. and that's so much more valuable than many know.

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The Souls on the Banks of the Acheron by Adolf Hirémy-Hirschl (1898)

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going to bed is very important. i must let myself rest. and besides, i feel so fucking cozy ugufbugbuob blankeyt freshly showered. i should definitely drink tea before bed more because it really helped me chill and enjoy my evening more. tea is so cool.

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chruly and utterly baffling how i really did follow the crowd and crawl back to tumblr from twitter- but i never belonged there, and was under distress; from my enclosure being too small and improperly maintained. i guess this is going to be my reprieve, my latest big plan to work on myself and my emotional and psychological regulation. a playground for my hyperlexia and thoughts i don't want to bother those close to me with. a cringe fest, you could say.

i don't want to write in a long, dramatic speech, some structured diary lettering i set and then must follow to my death. i will never commit to that and there's a reason i never kept a real diary very long as a child. some of these are going to be memes or shitposts or random art or halfthought rants, likely.

perhaps i justify to my inevitable future self that will comb over this post with a fine comb over and over once again as my post count grows. perhaps its my conflict avoidant ego, already tired from the sheer possibility of accidental recognition. perhaps im really just a dick.

i have thoughts that float beyond my reach. things i cant remember. reminders that slip my mind. things i care about and have no outlet for. intrusive things that demand retribution for daily inconveniences and linger like dirt in my brain. here is their playground, unstructured and it's own experiment against myself- to know myself.

it does also just seem wrong to start a blank page with a random post rather than a bang. im nothing if not showy and wordy.

maybe in my "grand" effort to detail and remind myself of the road to healing i am on, i will heal another. so im not too upset about my little cringe blog. its only another reason to do it. there are too many places online that make a beautiful tragic romance from living nightmares, and too many places that toil in misery. too many soaking in their own trauma and too many blaming victims.

this is just me