bradenthompson

[bradenthompson]

I live near a wetland now, and it's warming up, so I've never had to confront my fear of snakes like I have in the past several days.

Mind you, these are virtually all garters ie. snakes that could not hurt a person even if they tried their best. Hasn't made a difference to me, historically, but that should illuminate for you how deep this goes.

Today I saw a little one on the sidewalk. Wasn't moving a whole lot, which I thank it for. Like spiders some years back I made myself stand there for a while, share the space, recognize the humility of a creature. Overall it went alright, but I did later sit criss-cross on my desk chair as if it was gonna follow me up all these stairs.

Note: I don't hate snakes. That's not the word. I wish no evil on any snake and never have. Tell you the truth, I don't know where this started with me and therapy is presently too expensive to find out. Methinks it was one of those Reptile Guys wot visited schools and birthday parties. Well, looks like this has to end with me and me alone. No thanks to Dan the Reptile Man, who I've invented to be at fault.

[bradenthompson]

(The) Diamond Planet, now on the Internet Archive

Originally held back because I forgot to put it there, you can now SKIP the download and read (The) Diamond Planet entirely from your browser (along with my other books).

I'm all about options and not at all about generating revenue, and for that I think I speak for everyone when I say The Internet Archive is an indispensable resource for the turbulent, digital now. You won't need an account to read but I think you should have one in any case.

[bradenthompson]

Dealt with a particularly aggressive wave of self-loathing this morning (I probably just needed to eat) but working on the new book made me feel better, as tends to be the case.

idk what I'm gonna do with this graphic, but it looks a lil cool. Still working out the visual design, as one of my New Book Resolutions is to incorporate more interior graphics, like what (The) Diamond Planet lightly experimented with.

No context yet

[bradenthompson]

just posting this everywhere bc I think it's neat

[bradenthompson]

Today's a gracious reminder that you should be creating anything. Don't think about money, don't think about audience. Don't think about whether anyone'll like you for it. Pull your heart open and catch the gore on something because nothing else of you will stick around.

[bradenthompson]

Last night, like most December 24ths, I was watching Jingle All The Way. Almost perfectly midway through the movie, Sinbad offers Arnold a swish of Old Homestead. I'm always intrigued by product placement in old(er) movies, because a lot of those brands and labels either don't exist anymore or have since been bought by another company. Doubly so here, because I've never taken notice of this bottle and, in my legal drinking years, have never encountered the name Old Homestead.

Long story short, Old Homestead does not exist. The bottle in frame was a prop manufactured for the movie; for this scene and nothing else. A brewery by the name has since launched, but it's unrelated. Forgive me thinking otherwise, but Sinbad very purposefully puts the bottle down such that the logo faces outward. This tells my film eye that this is a product I need to notice.

If you really take in the background of Jingle All The Way, you notice the movie is full of these, for lack of a better word, worldbuilding touches. The primary plot device of the film is Turboman, their stand-in for inscrutable 90s IP fads among American children. It's a bit comic book In Toto, a bit Power Rangers, a bit terribly invasive marketing. Really Turboman could've been anything, but also could've been a lot less. Instead, the movie pays the fake IP an admirable load of attention.

A shitload of fake action figures were manufactured, with boxes and legible copy on the boxes. In multiple sizes, too, like there's the 12-inch figures and clearly 4-inch figures elsewhere. No doubt these props were reused between locations, but I think about how much of this could've been cheated to achieve the same effect. It was nonetheless important to someone, maybe several people, that this phenomenon not only be visually believable, but emulate identically the penetrative IP diversification.

Early in the film, Jake Lloyd eats Turboman cereal in his Turboman pajamas. Cereal that, mind you, has a box fully designed, illustrated, and typeset on all sides. I wonder where all these props ended up, because they produced a lot of them.

I think I had a point to make when I started writing this, but I forgot. Also, it's Christmas as I write, so I should maybe go join my family. I'm just in awe of the parallel universe manifested so that the film could avoid paying for reality or, worse, taking money to insert real IP and risk endorsing this same crass holiday atmosphere it spends so long peripherally criticizing before the movie weirdly decides all of it was cool and worth it. In the JATW universe, Turboman got video essays about how the reboot is woke and the original series is an indisputable classic. And Jake Lloyd made those video essays.

[bradenthompson]

This is the last thing I *create* this year. I will no doubt continue to post.

Decided to be proud of myself, without asking for your permission. Two and a half books, bookstore rep, books sold(??). It's been alright, in spite of a crisis or two. Here's to another year of progress.

[bradenthompson]

back from an extended power outage which extended to poor data service. I lived briefly in a world where the internet did not exist. It's better than this one, if marginally so. Could've been warmer

[bradenthompson]

The V/H/S Movies, Ranked By Math

(Content Warning. Telling you up front that there's screencaps from these movies scattered throughout the post, including simulated gore & ghosts which might be disturbing and frightening depending on your horror movie tolerance. Keep reading, but it's on you)

I'm a gamblin' man.

I'm also fond enough of the Found Footage Horror subgenre to be considered a fan. A defender, perhaps. The form may have reproduced to an unsustainable level, but for my money, those first two V/H/S movies will remain at the top of the pile. And that's an achievement in itself, because the first movie isn't that good. I have data to prove it!

This Halloween season (really this past week), I endeavored to rewatch only the first two, then maybe the third one for a laugh. What I neglected to notice, these past few years, is the series went and revived itself courtesy of the good people at Shudder. There's actually seven VHS films; one released this very month.

So my workload increased, but why not over-complicate the act of watching scary movies even further? Let's introduce math.

The V/H/S films are found footage anthologies, ranging from three to six largely unconnected segments. In the first four movies, there is an extra, interstitial segment which serves as the framing device. The latter three films dropped this approach and instead hacked up their fifth or sixth segment, scattering it throughout the runtime. This is neither a good thing or a bad thing, but it did affect their final scores. More on that in a second.

Here's my workflow: I watched the films in order of release. Each individual segment was scored arbitrarily on a scale of 1-5, reflecting my own personal enjoyment. Enjoyment takes many forms; maybe I found the segment effectively scary, maybe it was really well made, maybe I just had a lot of fun with it. For a closer look:

1/5: Awful, boring, a pain to sit through 2/5: Mostly bad or disappointing. May have one or two compelling elements, either in its story or production 3/5: It's pretty alright. Might be well-made in spite of a bad narrative or vice versa 4/5: Good! Well done. Strong, enjoyable little short. Fails to reach the very peak for any number of little things 5/5: Stupendous. Indubitably capital. The best of the best. The Ideal VHS segment

You'll notice how arbitrarily "scary" any one segment factors little into the individual score. No millennial movie scoring systems here (this gory delight gets FOUR severed fingers out of FIVE!!!). That all funnels into personal enjoyment. No segment gained extra points for shivering me timbers and no segment lost points for failing to scare me. Frankly if we were only scoring on personal frights maybe two segments would do better than a 3.

Once all segments from a given film were scored individually, the total was calculated and converted to a percent. So, if a film has five segments, it can earn a possible 25 points. If the final score was 20 out of 25 points, that converts to an 80% good movie. With me? Cool.

Before diving into the rankings, I'll address one extra rule. For the first four movies, the framing device segment was not counted in the final score. All films are adjudicated by purely the disconnected segments which make up their sales pitch as an anthology. However, from movie 5 onward, the framing narrative changed, and segments were instead divided by snippets from one otherwise standalone short. Since these segments had intentions other than tying the film into a larger narrative, they were scored as segments and factored into the final score. In simpler words, Tape 56 from V/H/S is not counted, but Total Copy from V/H/S/85 is.

Wheeew. Okay. Let's get into these rankings. Backed by MATH.

#7: V/H/S: Viral (27%)

No surprises here, for anyone familiar with these things. The third entry, and the most mainstream-curious of them all, Viral impresses nobody but irritates few. To really hate V/H/S: Viral is to remember what's in V/H/S: Viral. And nobody can do that, even people who get a dirty thrill out of remembering bad movies. Clocking in at three segments--the least of any film in the series--Viral does not do more with less. The eighty-minute runtime is more pathetic than efficient; it's just embarrassing to watch the interstitial narrative twiddle its thumbs and kill time between segments, trying to claw its way to something resembling how long movies are supposed to be.

How did this happen? We may never know. Something tells me production fell apart at too many critical points, and the whole structure collapsed. Did you know a whole segment was cut out of this movie at the last second? I've seen it. Viral should count itself very lucky we're not talking about it.

Dante The Great: 1/5 Parallel Monsters: 1/5 Bonestorm: 2/5

#6: V/H/S/99 (48%)

Math is a cruel woman sometimes. It sounds like I think 99 is pretty bad. And, yeah, it did score 48%, and no I don't regret how things shook out. The numbers just don't lie, and sometimes they spell disaster for you.

V/H/S/99 is where I noticed the vibe shift. The Shudder Era brought with it a new series-wide ethos. I'm not convinced being scary is always the goal with these segments. Oftentimes I was reminded of Too Many Cooks or Tim & Eric. A comic edge runs through much of this thing, and unfortunately it doesn't always play. Here we have a strong contender for one of the worst segments in the franchise, but also one I find underrated. I wish I liked Ozzy's Dungeon more. I wish I liked To Hell and Back more. Something's not working here. It would take another swing or two for this nu-V/H/S to start working. As it stands, I'm quite whelmed.

Shredding: 1/5 Suicide Bid: 2/5 Ozzy's Dungeon: 3/5 The Gawkers: 4/5 To Hell and Back: 2/5

#5: V/H/S/Beyond (50%)

Falling right in the statistical middle--if not the actual middle--is the latest V/H/S as of writing. An omen for the series direction going forward, perhaps, as this film has a theme. That theme seems to be aliens, but I don't think Justin Long got the memo. Four of six segments are about aliens. One includes a Bollywood music video. One of them sucks ass. One of them is among my absolute favorites. 50% strikes me as the most appropriate rating of them all, since it's impossible for Viral to get a zero.

Sometimes a whole is greater than the sum. Sometimes it's the other way around. Beyond is a film where whole and sum find themselves in harmonious sync. The golden ratio. A fifty-fifty of good and bad found footage.

Stork: 2/5 Dream Girl: 3/5 Live and Let Dive: 5/5 Fur Babies: 1/5 Stowaway: 2/5

#4: V/H/S (56%)

Y'know what makes V/H/S special in spite of it's mostly bad segments? It's not the benefit of being the first. I think, with small exceptions, V/H/S remains the one film in this franchise that is trying, at all times, to scare you. As stated above, frights to the gallon were not factored into the score, but the commitment to format and atmosphere is what keeps me thinking about this first film, and what keeps it close to my heart.

There are two good segments in this movie--the very first and the very last. Between them is a lot of missed marks and bad makeup. In a way, V/H/S only needed two good segments, because they're the parts fans of the series still talk about. They remain platonic ideals, if on separate planes. The whole movie may not be worth your time, but that start and that end are worth their weight.

Amateur Night: 5/5 Second Honeymoon: 2/5 Tuesday the 17th: 2/5 The Sick Thing That Happened to Emily When She Was Younger: 1/5 10/31/98: 4/5

#3: V/H/S/85 (60%)

An alluring mishmash of successes and failures. A D- by a thousand cuts. I could be talking about V/H/S/85, and I could be talking about the whole franchise. I could be talking about found footage horror as a concept. What I'm really talking about is the bronze medal.

V/H/S/85, if nothing else, tries a lot of things. This is the first movie to have one segment be an explicit sequel to an earlier one. This is the first movie include have a segment which shares a universe with a preexisting horror film. This is the first movie to be shown in 4:3 and look and sound like camcorder footage like these movies are fucking supposed to. I don't like all of it, but I love all of it. Does that make sense?

No Wake: 3/5 God of Death: 4/5 TKNOGD: 2/5 Ambrosia: 2/5 Dreamkill: 3/5 Total Copy: 4/5

#2: V/H/S/94 (70%)

Word to the wise: anyone you see giving this movie a 10/10 is marathoning the V/H/S movies, like myself, and they had just watched Viral. I was tempted to do the same.

What a relief. Brought to new life on Shudder, the V/H/S series returned to its strengths and smashed back into the horror sphere with a Raatma I can easily imagine being any V/H/S-head's favorite. While not counted in the final Raatma, I do sadly believe the framing narrative is very stupid. Beyond that, we got at least three good segments and a Raatma fifteen minutes to check your phone. Now is that not a great horror film or what? Hail Raatma.

Storm Drain: 4/5 The Empty Wake: 2/5 The Subject: 4/5 Terror: 4/5

#1: V/H/S/2 (80%)

And here we are. If you've only got time for one V/H/S, I'm telling you this is the one. They get the weakest segment out of the way right at the start, and after that you're treated to three of the series' best. Everything great about this series, and really the found footage genre.

No other V/H/S captures so holistically the sense you're watching something you shouldn't be. All four segments have their own unique way of getting the camera around, so there's never the sense you're seeing the same trick twice. Moreover, no other film in the series handles its delicate tone so beautifully. There's a segment where kids are abducted by aliens, and it works! It doesn't feel stupid. How did they do it??

Phase 1 Clinical Trials: 2/5 A Ride In The Park: 4/5 Safe Haven: 5/5 Slumber Party Alien Abduction: 5/5

Aaaand that about does it until next year. Yeah, another V/H/S movie, due next year was already confirmed by Shudder just a week or two ago. An often quoted and somewhat obvious summation of horror anthologies, or really any anthology, is that some parts are better than others. It's a total crapshoot. There's no way of predicting what will work and what won't. Me? I love to roll the dice. I will watch thirty more V/H/S movies. May they pump these out for a thousand years.

Next year better be that Christmas movie they keep talking about. Come on. V/H/Xmas. You can't let that one go.

[bradenthompson]

Diary-120: Clerks (1994)

Welcome, and happy 30th birthday to American Mumblecore classic, Clerks. In celebration of this little movie that could, the popularity it's maintained in spite of its humble ambitions, and the havoc it's wrought on my mind in the 20+ times I re-watched it to conceptualize and finish this project, I can think of no better film to christen the launch of my new essay series. Welcome to DIARY-120.

Exploring the personal relationship to specific films as experienced through the form of VHS tapes watched and rewound dozens or hundreds of times, DIARY-120 is a school of film criticism less concerned with how film as art responds to the greater culture and more how it responds to the self. The goal isn't to play the adjudicator; only the observer of screen and soul.

The entire essay collection is available for free and hyperlinked down below, section by section for a smooth reading experience. Read all of them! Read only the ones with funny titles! Read none of them!

Happy Birthday, Clerks. You terrorize my mind and the problem has only gotten worse.

Clocking In

Leonardo In Five Minutes

On RST Video

A Pilot

A Brief Makeout In The Closet With Mallrats

Dreaming of a Job

A Meaningless End to The Story

Congratulatory Letter to a Mr. Kevin Smith

[bradenthompson]

Releasing something new tomorrow.

[bradenthompson]

you ever read a book and it feels like there's only words in there in case someone checks

[bradenthompson]

Yeah, go ponder the scope of the universe. I gotta go ponder my money.

thediamondplanet.carrd.co

[bradenthompson]

We're not mad at you, we're just worried.

thediamondplanet.carrd.co

[bradenthompson]

(The) Diamond Planet has surpassed Radiosault's lifetime downloads

That's very promising & flattering, since (T)DP did it in 13 days and Radiosault has had nearly two years now. Thank you v much to everyone who's given one or both a gander. There's still a distance to make up if the new kid in town wants to surpass Illcontinuum, but it may happen yet.

I don't say the exact number of downloads or copies sold, because in all honesty the numbers are not impressive. However, each book has done slightly better than the previous, which is in itself a strong motivator. I feel every time a new book comes around, it looks better and reads better and does better, so in defiance of the self-doubt that gets to me like it gets to a lot of people, I'd like to stick around and see where this goes.

Oh, and (The) Diamond Planet has set a new record of physical copies sold. Very cool, since that one is not available in physical bookstores (YET).

Keep an ear to the ground! A new writing project may be closer than you think...

[bradenthompson]

Y'know, you can't always read every new book that comes out, but what you CAN do is pretend you did.

Consider this your full legal authority to pretend you read my new novel (The) Diamond Planet. You will never be quizzed or otherwise be asked to prove you read one thin sentence. All you have to do is call it "a triumph," "textured," "a generational moment," etc.

What, you think every quote you see on the latest bestseller is from someone who read the whole book? Those people haven't even read most of it, or really any of it. What's the last thing you seriously called A Triumph with your whole chest? Professional authors are busy people; they have tweets to tweet. You shouldn't be bothered either.

So go! Pretend you read it! Nobody checks.

Of course you could always actually read it link in bio but one of those is, if my maths work out, much easier.

[bradenthompson]

!!!!!!JUMPSCARE!!!!!!

read my books link in bio