brainlessandconfused

[brainlessandconfused]

When one door closes, another one opens

Hello Tumblr,

It has been a while since I have last manifested my thoughts into writing and looking back on my past notes, I feel it is time that I return for some life updates and reflections that I have accumulated since the last time I wrote. This is all for self satisfaction, but if someone out there is reading this, I hope you can find some of this relatable and perhaps feel less alone as we journey through this war we call life.

I recently exited a situationship, and as many can attest, this is a relationship riddled in anxiety, lack of transparency, and desperation in seeking relationship benefits without a proper label. Looking back on the entire relationship, I realized how much of a lover I am. Not necessarily to this individual, but just as a human being. I love to sacrifice, I love to help, I love to defend, I love to give my time, I love to give my energy, I love to serve as a space space, I love to do all of these things and more, for people who give nothing back. Although I am not inherently angry at this individual for their actions (or lack thereof), I finally experienced the hurt of heartbreak in my 20s. But heartbreak was not what I had expected. I was not mesmerized by romcoms and sad songs, indulging in sweet treats and crying myself to sleep. Rather I was preoccupied, racing to travel around the country, spending time with friends, preparing myself for a new move to another state, and indulging in the guilty pleasures of late night hangouts, hours of catching up on anime, and exploring the world around me. I was fueled by the heartbreak to not give this person anymore love than I have already given and to refocus my love on things that make my life more fulfilling. I am still struggling with the thoughts of this entire ordeal, however. There are days where I bask in resentment of how much I gave only to receive the bare minimum. It was less the rejection that hurt (since I saw that coming), but more that the individual acknowledged that I had been giving so much, and they have been giving nothing at all. They preached how I deserved someone who would give me 110%, which although is true, hurts coming from someone who took my 110%. However, today I had an odd epiphany where I suddenly could not recall what this individual looked like, their voice, their touch, or even the feeling that they gave me that I apparently used to crave. This made me realize that when life closes one door it opens another.

I am set to move from my current state down to another one nearby for graduate school. My brain still has not been able to comprehend this new chapter of my life as I have been in my hometown all my life and all of a sudden I am packing off to pursue education in a new and different community. Of course I can always return home, and after my program finishes I plan to come back to this vibrant place, but right now I feel this is the best chance for me to grow, seek clarity in my life, reach new depths of knowledge, and soar to higher achievements. I will meet new people, learn to nurture a home by myself, and take more definitive steps in solidifying a career for myself and hopefully one day my family. Who knows, if my life path will cross that individual's again? But what I can say, is that I have already begun to grow in vast amounts from the entire relationship. Although I may not have received what I had wanted, I have learned a great deal about myself and what I seek in others, and by the time I finish my new chapter, I will have grown exponentially and have found more peace and love for myself. I will always be a lover, but I think now a new door has opened for me to focus and give my love to myself.

Still brainless and confused as I tackle this new era, however I am optimistic for my future regardless of the wounds I have acquired from my previous battles, and the ones I anticipate to gain in the upcoming battles. However, it is important to remember that wounds turn into scars. And scars act as evidence of our strength and the lessons learned. They prove that our wounds will one day close and heal with due diligence and time. I hope this gave some people hope, and I hope to write again with more positive news.

Signing off,

Brainless and Confused

[brainlessandconfused]

 Insecurity and Confidence 

This happens a lot where after I go to an event, I realize how disgusting I look. As you can imagine, I am writing this post after an event and reeling back from the shock I got from looking at the pictures taken of me. I have said this before that your insecurities don't define you, but it is not easy to implement those thoughts to your heart. My brain is aware through its rationality that I have many other things to focus on and that my looks and other superficial features of myself do not matter as opposed to my other life contributions. But at the end of the day, I can't help but stare at myself in the mirror and ask why I look so different from others, which then stems out to crazy and depressive thoughts that warped a once small seed of insecurity to weeds of anger and sadness.

A little bit about myself in the most vague sense, I am part of the Desi community. And if you know anything about this community, you know that beauty is a huge thing. Yes, it does have colonialist roots in it (which I hate, because why would I let an outdated and racist moral guide my thoughts and feelings about myself), but I don't think neither I, or my desi community can shy away from trying to look our best. We have been bullied for our noses and our skin color to now which all the girls around me know how to flawlessly apply makeup to look like porcelain dolls with big eyes and lashes, tinted lips and contoured noses. Meanwhile I look like a 12 year old who tried their hand at makeup but is getting no where. I have really difficult skin texture which makes matters worse. So when I went to that event I was talking about, well and behold my insecurities were through the roof.

It is fascinating because while I was getting ready, I didn't feel ugly. Rather I felt like a princess. However, looking back at all the pictures and everything else in between... I think I looked dead. And as you can imagine my thoughts began to spiral and I began to question every little thing about myself and now have come to the conclusion that an ugly and jealous person like myself can never be happy.

But once again, I am calling for a voice of reason to help me though this. I am working so hard to take care of myself better, and as a college student it is really hard. I want to juggle everything from work, internships, after-school clubs, to school work and self care. I am failing at the juggling but I feel as if I am gaining self-clarity about myself. Like where are my pitfalls, asking myself why I do what I do, and what can I do better. I have a lot to work on but I don't know... today I felt like sharing my feelings and being candid about the bad parts of my life. I like to keep things positive, but reality is made out of nightmares too so I have to face it at the end of the day.

Anyways,

- Brainless and Confused signing off

[brainlessandconfused]

"My Insecurities could eat me alive"

Good Morning Tumblr,

Today's quote comes from the one and only Slim Shady (Eminem). Very random, but his music really speaks volumes to me. As wild as a character he can be, his words pull me into deep reflection and today I wanted to share my thoughts about insecurity as that is something I am really struggling with these days.

Ever since I was young, I was very insecure about my body, my face, and quite literally everything about myself. I knew I wasn't pretty like the other girls in school. Due to my body's composition I could not wear shorts and skirts, nor short sleeves. I was a bit tom boyish but due to my shyness and nerdiness, not even the boys wanted to be my friend. It was set into me pretty early on that everything about me, from my body to my personality was very very different from everyone else.

I am not sure as to why my genetics chose to shape me in such a monstrous way, but everyday was and still is a struggle. I have found ways to temporarily move around my bodily problems, but they still exist. If I can not hide one, I try to hide the other. But within my self hatred, I was consumed in envy watching everyone around me confidently embrace themselves. I made it an unhealthy habit to compare myself to their situations, and have quite literally drilled it into my head that soon enough all my friends will leave me, and love interests will never be in the cards (cuz who would want someone who hates themselves and can't find confidence in others).

But, I have to remind myself: My insecurities are really only brought into light by me. Realistically, I am never pointing out flaws in other people, so why would others be looking at me the same way. Tbh no one gives a crap if I have acne on my face or if I am not as skinny as I want to be. We are all so consumed about ourselves, we don't realize no one else would give a second thought about us. Our eyes are our biggest critics, so it's like self sabotage. We have to look past ourselves for once. So as brainless and confusing as this blog post may be, I hope the people who have actually read this far can understand that you are not alone in your insecurity. Everyone has their own flaws that they pick at, but the goal is to not let your insecurities eat you alive and make you lose your sense of self. You are a lot more than the cosmetic features. You have a personality, you have achievements, you have hobbies. It's easy to forget we are more than what we look like, but try to remember that deep inside we are the same bony ass skeletons LOL. Anyways if anyone wants to go deeper and talk about slim shady or insecurities, I am here for it!

Thanks for reading,

Signing off,

BrainlessandConfused

[brainlessandconfused]

Just Some Thoughts

Hello Tumblr,

I am very new here and honestly don’t know how to use this platform Lol, but I thought it would be a cool way to just get my thoughts out. I go by brainless and confused which I feel embodies exactly who I am. I feel like I go through my everyday life brainlessly. There is no real thought behind it. I do as I am told and walk towards the goals that are set up for me. Whether I am happy or not really doesn't matter I guess. In that sense I am confused. Am I meant to just take life on like this and do whatever society and my family tells me? Is there anything else I can truly get if I stay away from this path? 

I always felt as if I wasn’t meant to be born in this world. Whenever I watch movies like Harry Potter or quite frankly any anime, I always get sucked in. I ponder about how amazing life would be if I could adventure in fantasy lands and enjoy learning things like magic. Where brainless procedures of money and success can be replaced with the pure joy of discovery. A breath of fresh air away from phones, societal pressures, standards, to a place where you can focus on your surroundings rather than just yourself. Sure, I don’t think any life comes with no problems... But I wish my problems did not have to be so pressurizing and dull. Things that would not burden me for the entirety of my existence only to be null and seen as useless once I die. Maybe I just haven’t found my calling? Still not sure if people other than really successful individuals have such a thing as a “calling”. 

Anyways, I hope I didn’t bore you too much with my weird rant. I don’t really think anyone will come around to read this, but I hope if anyone out there is feeling hopeless and a bit lost and has found this post, brainless and confused is here to listen and share some thoughts. 

Gn... 

Signing off 

BrainlessandConfused