calamityandme

[calamityandme]

My husband and I are doing better now. However, something else is now a bigger problem lol.

I got fired. It’s hard. I wish they would have communicated to me more what they hoped I’d do differently. If I called in too much I wish they would have warned me or something. I couldn’t make it to work because my alley was frozen. Then a couple weeks later I couldn’t stop pooping and couldn’t make it in. I think calling in was the catalyst. They said I made too many errors and it was for the best if they let me go. I feel a lot of shame for that.

I did make some mistakes. I accidentally ordered one thing instead of another thing. I didn’t realize someone wanted three different manuals, thought it was two. I tried to make up for that by letting them know what I did so we could get it to the customer. But I still did it I guess. I wish they would have talked to me more about these issues they had with me. Looking back I should have been more weary. I was anxious all the time at that job though. I was taking 200/300 mg of hydroxyzine just to survive the work day.

Equipment rarely worked, I couldn’t take lunch breaks 90% of the time. There was only one bathroom far away from where I worked and I have IBS. There were days I knew I couldn’t be there because with my gut situation I knew I would poop myself lol. Because I could walk all the way to the back and the one bathroom would be occupied by someone who also has IBS. And every time I worked with one of my coworkers I would have dread and horrendous anxiety the whole day. I feel like I was set up to fail in that environment. I don’t know if that’s my ego saying that or if it’s partly true. I just need to let it go and try to learn from my mistakes.

I’m going to try to see this as a blessing in disguise. They were kind of a shady company. They were nice enough though, so I don’t want to blame them completely. My loved ones are saying it’s not entirely my fault but I don’t know if I can trust them. My mom said she would tell me if she thought I messed up. My husband said yes calling in that day was probably the catalyst to the decision, but they already must have been considering it. I just wasn’t what they wanted. I feel like a bobble head filled with anxiety, trying not to bobble hard enough that I lose my head.

I have options though. I think I’m going to apply to a couple places today. I have some things to look forward to. It’s not the end of the world. It sucks because I thought I was doing better, but growth sometimes is three steps forward and 2 steps back.

I just feel weird. I have so much shame and remorse because I’m coming up with these reasons for why they fired me. They just said I was making too many errors. I am filling in the blanks because I’m too scared to ask for specifics. I feel like a failure. I don’t want to think too much about myself though. I want to just do better and find somewhere better for me.

[calamityandme]

My heart hurts. I miss my husband. I’m tired of fighting. I just want things to be okay

[calamityandme]

I think I need to update my tumblr on what’s happened this year.

I HAVE A FULL-TIME JOB. I got it around 4 months ago. It’s really good for me and it’s helped us so much financially. It doesn’t make me as horribly anxious as my other jobs used to. It’s still a job, but it’s much better on my body and mind. I hope I don’t fuck it up.

IM MARRIED!! I didn’t know if I would be able to afford my wedding at the beginning of the year/last year, but we did it with a LOT of help. It wouldn’t have happened without my parents, Danny’s parents and our loved ones. It doesn’t feel real.

If I have a wedding regret it’s that I really sweated the details. It was stressful, my husband forgot several things important for the ceremony lol. I also forgot the marriage license to be fair so it’s not all on him. It really was wonderful though. When I was about to walk down the aisle I was sooo anxious. I was terrified to be the center of attention and have everyone look at me. Once I saw Danny at the alter, everything was okay. He looked soo good. I had never seen him in a suit before. Our vows were perfect. I wouldn’t change them for a thing. His were so wonderful and I can’t comprehend that he loves me as much as I love him.

Two different couples I know are getting married soon! One couple around October, the other couple isn’t even engaged yet but will this year. Love is in the air. It’s crazy.

On some sadder news, I have had a lot of health issues lately. Last month I had a colonoscopy, then two weeks later was admitted to the hospital because I had several sinus pauses in my sleep. I wore a heat monitor for a month because I was feeling dizzy and lightheaded with some activity. I didn’t expect the heart monitor to actually catch h something abnormal. The longest my heart stopped beating was about 10 seconds. I thought I had sleep apnea. I may still have sleep apnea, but my insurance denied the sleep study. So every night I go to bed I have to accept the fact that I don’t know what will happen. Will my heart stop beating altogether? I wake up every day and just go about living as best I can. I have a doctor’s appointment for next month. Hopefully I can get a at home sleep study done or something.

On top of the sinus pause, my heart rate will go between 25 BPM to 175 BPM in a week/day. I think anxiety makes my heart rate go up, or the opposite that my heart rate being so erratic is making me anxious lmao. Either way my insurance doesn’t care. They denied me because they said I didn’t have a valid reason for needing a sleep study. I guess I won’t need a sleep study if I fucking die in my sleep so fair game.

My mom gave me an old Fitbit of hers to try to monitor my heart rate but I stopped using it. I just feel helpless when I can’t do anything other than try to be healthy. I am at the whim of my health care providers.

Now it’s after the business of the wedding and I’m trying to figure out how I feel. I’m head over heels happy and in love with my husband of course, but I feel like I can never catch a break. I just want to be able to stop and appreciate the moments I’m in now. It’s just really hard to.

I’m so happy and I’m in a much better place than I was a year ago, but I just am so tired. It’s hard to be positive when the world is on fire.

[calamityandme]

I know this is a venting blog, but I HAVE to say this.

I am preemptively disappointed in the King of the Hill reboot. I know it’s not going to be as good as I need it to be.

Dang it, Bobby!

06/30/24

[calamityandme]

I’m so tired.

Danny has been tired today too.

I made dinner and I’ve taken my dog out to pee, but I haven’t done anything all day pretty much. I’ve watched movies on the couch.

I feel meh. I am making myself obsess over small unimportant things

[calamityandme]

It’s been a great day.

I got a lot of laundry done, brought out our winter clothes and washed them and decorated the house with Danny. The house is Christmasy and pretty. It makes me happy.

I also video chatted with a childhood friend this afternoon. That was really nice and put me in a good mood.

I feel good. We have so much already. I feel very blessed to be in a safe place right now.

I hope things stay like this

[calamityandme]

It’s the day before Thanksgiving and it’s been a busy day.

I’ve been sick for three days. The past two days I couldn’t get out of bed except to go to the bathroom lol. I was beat. I got it from Danny. He didn’t seem to have it as rough as I did. Idk.

Today I woke up and actually felt like I had some energy. Amazing. Finally lol. Thank goodness because I had to clean for R today. I contemplated turning around on my drive to R’s house, telling her I’m sick and can’t go. Yet I ended up parking outside her house and waited until it was time to clean.

I think I did a good job cleaning. I felt very easily irritated because R asked me to start doing something a specific way lol. It just irritated me in the moment even though I can definitely start doing it.

I listened to Class by Stephanie Land. I’m using Spotify’s Premium feature. Wow, she inspires me so much. Her story is just so real and even though I’m not currently in a domestic abuse relationship or a single mom, I just relate so much to her narration. It makes me feel seen. Although it also is a stabbing reminder I need to finish my stupid degree.

After I cleaned I flew to my bank and then the nearest Walmart.

My last minute grocery list:

rotisserie chicken (I’m intimidated by cooking a Turkey)

canned cranberry sauce (couldn’t find it)

toilet paper, because I used up most of ours as tissues

tissues

shredded cheese that I definitely bought way too much of but there were so many angry people everywhere and I needed to get out of there

velveeta cheese block, because Danny wants his mom’s cheesy broccoli rice casserole and I didn’t realize it called for it until last night

chai tea concentrate, because I wanted to treat myself

half gallon of milk because we never finish a whole gallon

frozen broccoli for the cheesy broccoli and rice casserole

Thankfully R gave me a variety of medicine before I left so I didn’t have to buy anything today. She labeled pills in baggies for me. She’s a sweetie.

Then I came home, put groceries away, exchanged keys with Danny and said goodbye before he left for work.

I’ve been baking today. I made an apple pie. Dough is frozen but I peeled 8 fucking apples today lol. Then I made homemade Reese’s bars.

I just got out of the bathtub. I’ve been watching the new Scott Pilgrim anime. I still feel sick but I am definitely getting better.

With the state of the world right now it doesn’t feel very festive lol. I have sent emails to government officials asking for a ceasefire. Now there’s a 4-day ceasefire. My heart breaks for the Palestinian people. I wish I had more money I could donate to get Palestinian people phones. I want to do more. I heard today that their department of education has cancelled the school year. This world is very bleak

[calamityandme]

Today’s my birthday :)

I am 26 now.

I had a wonderful day with my family and Danny. I had a lot of people reach out and say happy birthday or that they love and miss me. It feels good to be cared for.

I feel very blessed. My mom got me some things I had asked for and some things I wasn’t expecting. She got me a ROCK ADVENT CALENDAR. I am stoked for it. I can’t wait to start it. She also got me a rubber broom, a bedroom dresser so I don’t have to use my broken one and some crafting things.

My nana came and gave me something too! She knows I collect tiny bathtubs and she found me a crystal bathtub that is see through for me to put my special rocks and crystals in. It’s so beautiful. I really love it. She also gave me a jade carved frog that I put in the tiny tub, a Bob’s Burger’s Christmas glass, a Hershey’s bar and a very pretty music box that says something like “my special granddaughter”. She said she bought it for me 7 years ago and wanted to give it to me now.

We celebrated my birthday by going out to eat at one of my favorite restaurants. Then we went to do an activity together in town. I won’t get into specifics but it was kind of active and very cathartic. I really enjoyed spending time with my family.

My brothers were busy so I didn’t get to see them, but I really enjoyed talking with my mom, dad and nana. I asked my mom to tell me the story of my birth. In the book I’m reading (Yes Please by Amy Poehler), Poehler says you should ask your parents about your birth story, so I did. I loved listening to how it all happened. I loved hearing little details from my nana too. It was just really sweet.

I just feel very special today.

I decided to do a special spell to celebrate my birthday. I focused my energy on what I wanted more of next year. Love, family, friendship, money, health, protected sex, happiness, those sorts of things. I wrote my desires on a pink candle to represent self love. I added herbs and ashes to a dish holding the candle and let it burn.

It felt so good to watch it burn. I felt warmth in my body even from several feet away. I just hope the good energies follow me to 27.

Now I have finished setting up my dresser. I am going to smoke a special joint with rose, lavender and passionflower after writing this. Then I will organize my sock drawer. Danny laughs at me for wanting to do that on my birthday. I just am excited to have a fully functioning dresser again and I want to make it “perfect” lol.

TLDR; good birthday, weird year, glad my loved ones love me back

[calamityandme]

I’m having a good day!

We got groceries. I budgeted $200 and we ended up spending around $230. Not bad. I tried to prioritize getting a lot of meal options for me for lunch. I think I did a good job.

I went to two grocery stores. It took a lot out of me. I am home now and have been taking it easy.

I have been watching scary movies off and on today. I watched Crawl earlier and now I’m watching the Chernobyl Diaries. It’s scary so far. Kind of the Hills have Eyes-ish.

I have been social today. I’ve texted a couple different friends.

Danny’s picking food up for dinner. Things are going well.

[calamityandme]

TW: disordered eating

I don’t know why but I am having trouble eating certain foods.

I just have a gut feeling I shouldn’t eat certain foods and it’ll feel “wrong” in my mouth. My banana bread was too banana-y. Oatmeal was a weird texture at that moment. Things like that. If I take a first bite and I feel any aversion at all, I just won’t be able to continue eating.

Safe foods for me are things like macaroni and cheese (only certain brands), specific fast food sandwiches, Hawaiian rolls, fruits and some veggies and other things. I can eat a lot of things usually. It’s just gotten harder lately.

My thing with food has gotten worse the last month, but I have a looong history of disordered eating. In high school I did heavy calorie restriction, exercise and some purging. Then I stopped starving and a year later I gained back most of what I lost. Years later in college I would be at a relatively healthy weight. When I got into my current relationship however I started gaining a lot of weight. I know it’s “happy” weight from being in love, but I definitely have gained too much. Now I’m at this point where I just have such a warped relationship with food.

I decided to go to the grocery store and get a little bit of groceries for me. Just some food to help me feel like I have options. I got milk, heavy cream, raspberries, little cheese snack boxes, frozen lobster macaroni, beer battered fish filets, trail mix, a small wheel of Brie cheese and apples. I was going to buy some strawberries also, but I was $2 over my budget so I asked to remove the item.

I have had a snack cheese thing and some raspberries. I’m making Olive Garden chicken and gnocchi soup for dinner. For lunch I’m going to have my lobster Mac n cheese. I have my meals planned out and that makes me feel safe. I don’t have to panic over trying to figure out what I can eat.

I just am trying to eat better and have a healthier relationship with food. I am learning to love what I see in the mirror. When I get dressed I will sometimes stand in front of my bedroom mirror and try to appreciate my body. I turn to the side and admire my ass, I rub my stomach tenderly in small circles and cup my breasts just for fun. Not for anyone but me.

Today I am home. I worked the last few days so I’m going to try to not do too much more today.

I also cleaned our dryer vent to hopefully help it to fully dry our clothes. It’s been blowing cool air. Fingers crossed.

I think I’m doing well emotionally. I just am really anxious about my food issues and my obsessive picking. I want to get better. Im trying to practice mindful thinking. When I pick and I realize what I’m doing I try to think about what my body is feeling. Is it anxiety? Fear? Frustration? Hunger? It can be many things at once. It helps to check in and try to figure out how I’m feeling

[calamityandme]

I paid my phone bill!

I have been very nervous they would shut me off before I could pay it today. I worked for R and she gave me $110. I put $99 towards my phone bill and gave $10 to Danny for gas station drinks.

I am still struggling with picking, but today feels maybe like a better day. I have anxiety in my chest still.

I finished my audiobook while cleaning for R this morning. The Lovely Bones. I have read this book so many times throughout my life but never understood it like I do now. My heart hurts for all the missing people and their families with no answer. Even though it’s terrible, reading the lovely bones puts my trauma into perspective. At least Don/Ash didn’t actually kill me. He just dreamed about it.

Now I’m home. I’m going to smoke in a bit. I don’t have to cook today because I cleaned for R. It’ll be nice to relax today

[calamityandme]

I have been having such a hard time with picking and biting.

My fingers are raw. I want to stop so bad. I just can’t. I feel helpless.

Even as I’m writing this I’m holding back from picking. I just want to feel smooth and healthy. I don’t want to pick anymore. I want to be done

[calamityandme]

I feel like word vomiting so I thought I’d blog.

Today is a good day. I can feel it inside me.

Yesterday Danny and I got groceries. We were able to spend a little more on things this time around compared to the last two or three shopping trips. $245! That’s not a lot to some, but it is much better than the $200 we’ve been making stretch two weeks that we’ve been having. We have been very broke before so this is wonderful.

We went to Aldi and then Walmart. It made me very overstimulated to go to two groceries stores after cleaning for R, but it was worth it to have food in the house again.

Today I’m taking advantage of the food in the house. I am making a dessert. It’s chilling in the fridge right now but it looks really yummy. It’s two cans evaporated milk, one can sweetened condensed milk, and a thing of jello blended together. It looked good online so fingers crossed it lives up to my expectations.

I am also going to make some crab rangoons. I am not going to fry them, because I am terrified to do that when Danny is at work and also I don’t feel like it. I’m going to bake them. It’s my me day anyway I don’t want to do too much work lol.

I might also make some beef for dinner. It depends on my energy levels.

I woke up and made myself coffee. It was nice to treat myself. I have been adding some chocolate chips to the bottom of my cups to make it like a mocha. It’s real good lol.

I made myself a joint that I’ve been smoking on most of the day. Just now around 5:30 PM I’m making a bowl in my pipe. It’s been nice to just slowly smoke on it and have a slower start to my day.

I watched the Five Nights at Freddy’s movie on Peacock. It was fun. I hope they make another. I know people complained it was cheesy, but bottom line it’s a children’s horror game franchise that made a PG-13 movie. It’s going to be PG-13 at times. I just appreciate the level of detail in the animatronics and how MattPat was in it lol. A fun movie.

I think I’ve been feeling good emotionally. Yesterday I was very overwhelmed so I was kind of bitchy. Once I ate food I was much more pleasant. Today, idk. I think I’m just focused on getting these cooking projects done. In my head I’m plotting what I’ll do next. When I’m done writing this Im going to finish my bowl and get started on these crab rangoons.

I love when it rains, makes me feel like things are going to be okay. Idk why. I just feel safe when it’s raining. Maybe because I sleep to sounds of rainstorms.

[calamityandme]

The last couple days have gone a lot better for me.

Yesterday I cleaned with Danny. I gave him a chore list and I did my usual. I got a lot done around the house and got to spend some quality time with Danny.

Today I am home. I made a couple loaves of bread. One with jalapeños and cheddar cheese for me and the other just cheese for Danny. I think I’m going to make macaroni and cheese for dinner too.

I called my mom and talked to her for a bit. It was good to check in on her and to tell her I’ve been struggling a bit with the church changes.

I watched a bad scary movie. Now I’m just laying on the couch with a big blanket. It’s been a pretty sleepy day here. I’m trying to not do as much today (lol, has baked two bread loaves today).

Danny gets paid Friday and we will be able to get groceries then. That’ll be nice. I won’t have to really scrounge for meal ideas. We obliviously have some food but it’s not a lot. I went through our pantry today and tossed out all the expired ramen. We’ll survive, especially if we can get groceries in a few days.

I love rainy days. I love keeping the windows open and listening to the rain fall. It feels good to just exist today.

[calamityandme]

Dear old church building,

I’m sad to say goodbye. I have felt neglected because of you and what you represent. Even though I have a lot of reasons to hate you completely, I feel heartbroken that this huge part of my life is going to be gone.

I would hide from the large groups of people after service. I would go up in the balcony and hide on the floor so no one below could see me. I’d bring a book or an iPod and I spent the day up there. I remember being so eager to leave so I could go home. Now I won’t ever have that chance again. I won’t be chased by bats in that building. Or have to say hi to people I don’t remember.

I resented you so much. You kept me away from my family. In my eyes, I didn’t have my dad or mom around as much because they were working for you. I felt so alone in a church full of people.

I made some of friends because of you, though. Two of those people are some of my favorite friends. I have had so much fun playing activities with people during youth group events, or watching Christmas movies in December on the projector in the atrium.

I can’t just hate on you because you kept me away from the people I wanted most. Because of the church, I have so many people that I love like family.

I just don’t know what to do now that you’re gone. I was surviving just fine without you. Now I can’t stomach the thought of my children never seeing the inside of those walls. Maybe it’s a good thing. Maybe I’m going to break generational curses.

Hard to say goodbye

[calamityandme]

I think I’m losing my mind a little bit.

Tomorrow will be my last day in my family’s old church building. I don’t know how to feel. I just feel hollow. All day has been fine but I think deep down I have been just conflicted. I wish I had a specific one feeling.

I have been biting my fingers and nails all week. It’s a shame. I want them to look nice in our last photos in the church.

I think my body is sick too. Or maybe my depression/anxiety is making my body unbelievably tired. I come home and I don’t want to do anything but lay in bed. Most of the time I don’t even let myself lay in bed. I just sit on the couch, longing to be laying in bed, but I’ve refused it to myself for some reason.

At least tomorrow is my cleaning day. I get to come home from church, smoke a bunch of w33d and distract myself by cleaning everywhere. Plus Danny will be at work so he can’t tell me to stop.

I’ve been thinking about how I won’t ever have a Christmas service at that church ever again. My children won’t know that building. The places where I’ve written my name on that building. Never really thinking that one day someone other than my parents would own this building. I know the new owners will have to paint. Lol. It’s a weird feeling.

I just feel kind of on auto pilot. I’m not numb, it’s just that I am feeling so much. It’s twisted knots of ribbons in my chest. I just wish I could find a therapist near me that accepts Medicaid. I just don’t think I could swing it financially.

I am happy, in love and doing well considering, but I am running on a hamster wheel at all times trying to keep afloat. My brain is not nice to me. I am constantly and categorically going through so many of my failures and regrets from every stage of my life. Every day my mind finds a new topic that I have PTSD from and replays it over and over. Sometimes it’s sentences. Other times I’m having flashbacks of moments and reliving those feelings in my body. Even after something nice, like a 2 hour phone call with a childhood friend, my brain is picking apart our conversations the rest of the day. All night I’m thinking “I hope she didn’t think I meant this” or “why did I say this that way”. I just don’t want to be a bad person. So so badly I don’t want to be a bad person.

My fiancé has told me at least twice that it sounds exhausting being inside my brain and I feel like that’s a very accurate statement. I’m constantly trying to find things to fill the empty spaces in my mind so my hands don’t go idle. Even typing that out makes me tear up. I just need constant physical or mental stimulus so I don’t remember I have flesh and want to rip it off. It’s unbelievably exhausting. I don’t feel right in my own skin. I sometimes like myself or when my actions are kind and considerate. I just have to pick and bite. I want so desperately to be perfect and smooth but it can’t be. I’m a freckly, mole-covered, fat adult. Those aren’t bad qualities. In my trauma brain it’s just not perfect and so I am constantly in a state of “not ready”.

I want to wash my brain. Get into the folds with a damp washcloth and softly exfoliate. Get rid of the shit inside it

[calamityandme]

I’ve been sick.

I was supposed to work but R texted me and asked if I felt up to it today. I asked to stay home and she said that was fine.

My stomach has felt horrible off and on the past three days. I have also had really intense migraines triggered by light. It makes me nauseous. Digestion issues. Running hot and cold.

I usually clean on Sundays but it’s currently Tuesday night and I still haven’t cleaned the house. I just haven’t felt up to it. I still have cooked the last couple nights lol. But I’ve been resting most of today. I had a spurt of energy around 3 PM so I organized for like forty five minutes. I also scooped the litter boxes because it’d been like three days since I had.

Tomorrow I’m planning on cleaning the house. My dad is going to stop by and bring a drum kit to my house so they can store it. I’m really excited to have a drum kit temporarily.

Been feeling better emotionally. We paid our disconnects so that helped. We had to borrow money from my mom to buy groceries though. $200 doesn’t go far for groceries for 2 people anymore lol. Oh well. We don’t have a lot of easy food but we will live. I have flour and some protein and some basics.

I think my body was/is stuck in fight or flight. I just struggle when I am forced to be still to rest of body. Laying in bed all day made me destroy my fingers. I’m still recovering because they are sore to the touch. I’m trying to hold off on biting them. It’s just hard.