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Before the Fear

My feet on the floor are frozen                                                                                My face is ghostly white                                                                                        My body is trembling with fear                                                                            That feels as endless as time                                                                              Now there’s no after or before                                                                            Only this moment

It’s in this moment                                                                                                When my body is frozen                                                                                        That I want to go back to before                                                                          To when my vision wasn’t blurry and white                                                            I had a concept of time                                                                                          And lived without fear

Now, my constant companion is fear                                                                    It lives in every moment                                                                                      It’s there every time                                                                                                  My heart turns cold and frozen                                                                                My hands are shaking and white                                                                            Just like they’ve been before

I feel fine before                                                                                            Something happens to arouse my fear                                                                Like the sky turning white                                                                                      A blizzard within a moment                                                                                      The world becoming frozen                                                                                  Stuck on the road for a time

Time after time                                                                                                        It’s always like before                                                                                            My whole world is frozen                                                                                      When I’m crushed by fear                                                                                        I live only in the moment                                                                                    When my world is black and white

Sometimes all I see is white                                                                                    I don’t think of time                                                                                                My life is an endless moment                                                                                  I don’t think about before                                                                                        I live in my fear                                                                                                        I am here, but useless, frozen

I am a white canvas painted by the moment                                                Frozen in the space of time                                                                                    But I am different before the fear

- Hayley Vandermaarl 

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Created & Written by Hayley Vandermaarl

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Heavy

Are the hands I’m hiding Inside my sleeves Heavy Is the heart pounding In my chest Heavy Is the fear overwhelming All of my senses

-Hayley Vandermaarl

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Letter to My Body

i hated you

i learned to despise you

until it made everyone else love you

so how could i not love you as well

when i heard your screams

when i felt how empty you were

how could i not love the pain i was giving you

and so then how could i have stayed loving you

when suddenly everyone else told me not to

when i finally began to appreciate you

and see you as you were meant to be seen ��

but they told me you were not meant to be loved like this

I only learned to love you because i learned how to hate you first

and I only learned to hate you because I so badly wanted to be enough

and now that i want to appreciate you

and nurture you

without causing you any more pain

i don’t know how

i hope that one day i can love you

without having to hurt you

even if everyone else hates you

i hope that one day i can see you as how you were made to be seen

and i won’t have to tear you down into what i want  

i hate you

because i hate myself

and i’m sorry i could not learn to love myself long enough

to help you

to save you

- Melissa Yang

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Sunrise

I enjoy the sunrise. Sometimes more often than usual. I sneak out, not alerting anyone for the fear of guilt. The colors plastered on the ceiling are vibrant yet blurred, indicating the oncoming mystery. Reds with oranges with yellows, mixed together with my emotions. I feel at ease.

I enjoy the sunset. Sometimes more often than usual. I feel safe out in the open. And normal. Very normal. The dwindling colors allow me to descend into darkness comfortably. Greys and blues are warm and they trickle down my face. I feel at ease.

Why do some prefer one over the other? Why can't I make a choice?

It's love, I realize. And there's nothing wrong with that.

-Annemarie Antunes

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little girl

i see you, little girl

sitting on the grass

too young to know what your heart is saying

too young to know that this moment won’t last

so you kept growing, little girl

and you didn’t know any better

you kept your soul quiet

wrapped it up with your zip-up sweaters

and then you understood, little girl

the more that you grew

that the monsters in this world weren’t out there

they were closer than you thought

their home was inside of you

and i know you started running, little girl

you didn’t want to face the truth

if mom and dad said this wasn’t real

then they must be right

because why would they lie to you?

i know what happens next, little girl

i know what thoughts you had

you wanted to go away

you thought that if it could stop the pain

then going wouldn’t be so bad

but you were scared, little girl

you didn’t want it to be true

you thought you weren’t strong enough to hold on

yet if the world was out to hurt you

you couldn’t hurt yourself too

i know why you decided to stay, little girl

you knew that you still had a light

maybe it was buried deep, deep down

but you could feel it there

it wanted you to fight

and you’re still fighting, little girl

no matter how hard it is

you finally know what your heart is saying

what it’s been telling you all along

it wants to live

so where will you go now, little girl?

you’re not the girl you once were

no more zip-up sweaters to hide your soul

no more hiding yourself from the world

- Melissa Yang

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The Cycle

Some days I feel happiness. I feel colors vibrating in my ribcage, itching to burst free. Yellows and oranges and reds. I feel all of it. Music dances around in my head and I feel every beat. I want to share this with everyone. Smiles from strangers resonate around me and I thank myself for just being. Thankful for another day. I’m optimistic but excited for the future. I picture my dreams and goals and how desperately I want them achieved. I’m grateful for my friends, my family, good health, education; being alive. How could anything go wrong? I just feel so right. I think: how did I make it this far? How have I overcome the many screaming voices? I don’t deserve this success.

And then I feel angry. Angry at friends and family and strangers for just being. How dare they? I compare myself to them: better appearance, better friends, better grades, better life. I don’t deserve any of it. Don’t they know what I’m capable of? The emotions I hold? The rage waiting to be spilled? The violence I’m ready to commit? I can’t look or talk to anyone. Jealousy seeps through my veins, spreading throughout my body before it’s too late, as if that happiness was a virus. I’m nothing. Tears of fury run down my face and I relish in it. I live for this moment. I am justified.

And finally, I feel sadness. I see blue everywhere. In every passing face, in my reflection, in you. How do I distinguish my dreams from reality? I can’t remember if I woke up today or if I brushed my teeth. I feel my heartbeat but how do I know it’s really there? How do I know it’s keeping me alive? Am I alive? I feel nothing. No happiness or anger; just sadness. And this continues for weeks. My heart is heavy for all the wrong reasons. I become delirious but excited. For all the wrong reasons. I want to leave. I don’t belong here. No one will notice me. My heart beats faster and I begin to sweat, in need of a release.

But I realize, I don’t want to die; I just want to feel again. Anything. Guilt and shame overrule the blue. I cannot leave because I love my parents, my friends, strangers.

And then I’m alive and happy again.

-Annemarie Antunes

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Soft

how do you describe

a heart’s that too soft?

how do you explain

a heart that bleeds too hard?

you tell them about the brain

that believes the whole world will hurt them

the hands that are too scared to reach out

and lungs that breathed in too hard once

and now are afraid to breathe again

you tell them about the person

home to all of these things

and how her heart could not be made of stone

because she was scared

it would hurt more

so how do you describe

a girl who gets angry too much

and cries way too often?

and how do you explain

a girl who feels so scared

and so empty at the same time?

you tell them that her heart is too soft

-Melissa Yang

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Sera

I have a friend named Sera, and I’ve known her for as long as I can remember, I actually have a few friends named Sarah, but this one is different, Spelled S-E-R-A, her full name is Serotonin but she doesn't like it when I call her that so I say Sera for short, She manages my mood, behavior, appetite, digestion, sleep, memory, sex drive, and overall functioning.

Sera and I have a love-hate relationship, I try and keep her as happy as possible, She likes going on walks, listening to music, eating good food and exercising, One thing to know about Sera is her inconsistent sleep schedule, Some nights she’ll toss and turn until 2am, eyes wide open and catching nothing but darkness, Other times she’ll wake me up at 7am, ready to start the day, and I pull the covers over my head and tell her to go back to sleep, Sometimes she listens, Sometimes she doesn’t, Sometimes Sera is the one who can’t get up so I have to pull her by the ankles and promise her today will be okay, Sometimes she believes me, Sometimes she doesn’t.

Sera and I have always had a rocky friendship, but a few months ago things got worse, We were fighting more often than not and she’d look at me red in the face, Each morning she’d shake me by the shoulders, prick me with her sharp nails, and clamp her hands around my neck, She’d punch me in the stomach and leave me gasping for air, my entire body shaking in a tingled panic, thinking I was dying, Knowing, I was dying, I didn't know why she did this, I tried everything to help her, She didn't like meditation because it made her feel paralyzed, Trying to breathe while her insides were doing acrobats, She didn't like working out because every step on the treadmill felt one foot closer to a panic attack, Sweating, heart pulsing, winded and dizzy, about to collapse, She didn't like therapists because everything about them felt fake, From the “and how do you feel about that?”s to the crescent moon smiles and the twinkling star eyes that turn out to be satellites.

But each morning Sera grew more upset with me and Each morning she held a tighter grip around my neck, Each morning I had less of a clue why she was behaving this way and Each morning I knew I was closer to my last, I went to my doctor and she prescribed me escitalopram, or Cipralex, a common antidepressant meant to help Sera get back on track, That day I went home, swallowed one of these tiny pills, and chased it with my pride, Wondering why 5mg of white powder was better at controlling Sera than I.

A few hours later I felt a jolt of electricity run through me, It was as if my entire body was made of light but I only saw black, Brain zaps: a common side effect of SSRIs, the brain’s attempt to readjust neurotransmitters, an involuntary electrochemical tremor, Completely harmless, nevertheless terrifying, I thought it was Sera’s cruel tease, her reminding me how disappointed she was, Luckily these brain zaps went away, And believe it or not, So did my anxiety.

Not entirely and not thoroughly, But I felt different, A sunny morning in August, I woke up and for the first time in months, I couldn't feel my heart racing, I couldn't feel my shallow breathing, I couldn't feel my fingers tingling, numb with anxiety, I couldn't feel Sera, I thought she was gone, But the truth is, she just changed, Sera was different now, more consistent, Sera didn't want to have conversations with me anymore, We used to spin tangents of thought until we were out of breath, Freaking out Over a 30-second conversation that we were sure we had just screwed up, Overseeing a faint shadow on the wall that must mean the house was haunted, Over sending an unedited text message that had absolutely just ruined a friendship, Our choreographed routine of overthinking, self-hatred, and defeat.

New Sera meant that things were dull, My doctor said that when we experience severe anxiety, it becomes the outlet through which we feel emotions, All things amplified, anxiety fueling the happy, sad, mad, and everything in between, Anxiety coursing the veins of our prehistoric bodies, ready to jump from the prowling tiger hidden in the bushes, But there was no tiger now, There was just me.

I didn't feel much anxiety, I didn't feel much of anything, It’s hard to feel happy when your happiness is prescribed by a doctor in doses, lining the shelves of medicine cabinets and stomachs of people everywhere, people like me, Lost, Looking.

Staring into the eyes of others pretending you're there when really, You're as hollow as the bottle on which you subsist, I thought I knew what de-personalization was until I watched myself sleep, A deluge inside of me but no tears to shed, My skin cold and metallic, and my insides damp and earthy, I felt like I was trading anxiety for emptiness, Using panicked thoughts and racing hearts as currency, I wanted Cipralex to shovel out my insides and plant something new, But it didn’t It couldn't I felt detached and dried out, Like a leaf in the fall, Changing from a pliable green to a crunchy amber, Waiting to be stepped on.

Last month I tapered off Cipralex, Somehow I missed Sera, old Sera, The one who would get into heated midnight debates about menial topics because Shrek 2 is absolutely better than Shrek 1 The one who loved doing art even if it took her 4 tries to get the drawing right, The one who had wild thoughts even if it meant sometimes she got blown away by the wind,

Slowly but surely, old Sera moved back in, It was hard at first, almost as if some part of her was resisting, hiding, I lost motivation to do things and I lost love for things I used to do, I’d stare at blank walls because feeling bored was better than feeling nothing, Waiting for Sera to come back felt like stumbling through the dark night without a flashlight, My emotions running on a clock that I could not comprehend, I felt her presence gradually, uncomfortable yet familiar.

She didn't come back toting anxiety attacks, Instead, she brought rollercoaster days and vacant nights, Climbing up the track in a laughing fit, reaching the top then barricading down with sadness, a sharp bend of rage and finally a screeching stop at nothing. Nights were the worst, Like being taught to float in the pool, Make a starfish and stay calm, The more you thrash the further you sink, And on these nights, I’d feel the water at my ears, Muffling the world and washing away my sanity A quirky game of irony, The lack of trust forcing your body under, The tight feeling in your chest of wanting to let go but letting go feels like dissolving, disappearing into the watery surroundings.

Some days are better, some days are worse Some days I forget about Sera and then the next day she's at my doorstep to remind me she's not going anywhere, But honestly, I wouldn't want her to.

I’ve known Sera for as long as I can remember, She has seen all of my toothy grins and has heard all of my laughs, burned with all of my rage and wept all of my tears She was there for every midnight snack, every drunk text and every subsequent apology the next day.

Sera and I haven't always gotten along, We have a love-hate relationship But I know we can learn to co-exist happily, And maybe one day, We will.

-Lily Martin

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The Outsider’s Journey

I can see the land wherein my innocent desires dwell – the desires prance gleefully among the sunlit hills of resplendent glory desperate to take a stance in this venture. I’m at their mercy and now lured into their spell. I witness the sky’s galaxy melting gently, consuming me and giving way to the darkness… now, no longer amiss.

Propelling in the desolate summer wind, the shadows take control. and the known covertly becomes the unknown. Feeling weak in the mind, my strong heart rescinds. And whilst my blood courses through my veins, I sense that I am not alone.

My eyes tremble shut. Yet, I’m bewitched by my own thoughts. It is in here that the incubus’ hiss their seductive taunts. But the strength to fight and retaliate, I have naught. Covered in shame from my oppressor’s innocuous whip, my eyes are bloodshot.

Walking ahead, I observe an ocean adorning a multitude of swirling shades: Abruptly trapping me in a color; conjoining us into one entity. My foes now fade into whispers of nothingness feeling betrayed, and the inferno surrenders to my soul; engulfed by my newborn identity.

The weight of my endearment pours down my face as my world stops quaking. And I know, that the conquerors of the earth will now open their arms for me. Thunderbolts strike across the sky, justifying the beginning of this end. But alas, I can see a break in the clouds – and I fear not myself anymore.

-Feny Pandya

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United Hands

CAMHP presents “United Hands”. Using a Wordle created by CAMHP executives (pictured below), 1 out of 4 poems were written based upon our goals and what we envision for our program. The poem below explores how powerful we can in helping each other defeat the negative thoughts we may have. We hope you enjoy! 

my mind wages

a war inside my head

begging to be

free of the constraints of

my insecurities and to

embrace my vulnerabilities

as your reassurance falls

off your lips and caresses

my ears

a gate opens and

my self-expression

is unrelenting

colours dance across the canvas

of my mind and

the voices that insist

that my art is not good enough

are muted

- united hands

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Active Mental Health Initiative (AMHI)

The Active Mental Health Initiative (AMHI) is a student run non-profitable organization whose vision is to grow healthier communities and promote mental health through awareness as well as events.

CAMHP is excited to be partnering with AMHI this year and we look forward to sharing what we both have in store for you!

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The liberated heart

“The Liberated Heart” is the third of four poems inspired by wordles created by the CAMHP executive team. Enjoy and stay tuned for the final poem of this collection!

when i give you my heart please handle it with care for it is glass and I am vulnerable when you first hold my heart please do not let go for it is wild and pulsating with passion

as you get weary of my heart please release it but gently for liberation is daunting and when you yearn for my heart just peer inside your own for there will always be a piece of it inside you

 - the liberated heart

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Aims and Ambitions

        For many years, mental health and mental wellbeing have been topics often overlooked or severely stigmatized by the public. However, it took no more than one graduate from McMaster University to recognize this and begin climbing the ladder to change it. As such, the Creative Arts Mental Health Program (CAMHP) was born and is on its way to becoming an incredible reality.

        Speaking with the founder, Muskaan Sachdeva, the VP Administration, Yilin Zhang, and the VP Ananya Pathak, we were provided with immense insight into what CAMHP stands for and its aspirations for the future. The program aims to introduce children and youth to various mediums of art, which can help them establish strong foundations of healthy coping skills from an early age. The founder believes that everyone possesses a creative ability that remains unique to them. Hence, CAMHP aims to exist as a platform for creative opportunity, allowing young adults and children to learn, grow and use novel mechanisms to face obstacles and challenges safely.

         CAMHP was founded in response to several stressful challenges the program’s founder, Muskaan, faced throughout her life. She mentioned that “taking the time to express [her] thoughts in a diary” and “releasing [her] pent-up emotions through yoga allowed [her] to relax and face these challenges in a mature manner.” Thus, the idea was born, leading Muskaan to introduce CAMHP to Yilin, who knew right away “that it was an amazing initiative.” CAMHP has the “the goal of introducing others to the benefits that [the] creative arts bring.”

          Following this initial idea, the long-term mission of CAMHP was created to involve the inclusion and collaboration of people from all ages and cultures to make this an internationally recognized initiative. Yet, like all ventures, CAMHP is taking baby steps towards their goal by beginning their journey through the involvement of local communities. “We hope CAMHP will touch and leave its imprints in all Canadian provinces,” said CAMHP co-founder Muskaan. “We will not check our “goal accomplished” section until every individual has had the opportunity to explore different creative arts through local workshops and events held by CAMHP.” These workshops will conduct activities pertaining to a specific creative art coupled with conversations concerning mental health. CAMHP also plans to host events where guest speakers can share their personal experiences with these topics.

         Through these events and workshops, the program plans to create a model that schools can follow to enhance the mental well-being of their students. “We wish to establish a strong presence within our communities to encourage active participation in creative arts,” said CAMHP VP Administration, Yilin. “We wish to set up a clear and effective program that anyone can follow.” Likewise, CAMHP VP, Ananya hopes to start a mentorship program or a helpline, which gives people in need one on one attention but with a creative twist!” Additionally, Muskaan is very excited to feature a magazine showcasing the artistic side of all executive members and those reached by CAMHP. Yilin also hopes to promote this initiative through social media, where creative arts and mental health issues can be discussed and extended to people on a global scale.

         Creative art is a term that can be hard to define, as its abstractness can lead to various interpretations. There are several mediums through which one can explore the creative arts, such as music and visual arts. While these forms of expression may differ in terms of their product, they share the common ability to act as a healthy outlet for negative emotions. “Cathartic writing, Zumba and yoga have become an integral part of my identity,” said Muskaan. “[They] provide me with the capacity to make rational decisions in emotionally charged and stressful situations.” Yilin also endorsed the positive impact creative arts had on his mental wellbeing. “Creative arts, especially music and guitar playing, helped me overcome and cope with many challenges over the years,” he told us. “Regardless of what life threw at me, I always depended on music. It allowed me to be true to myself, sharing my emotions and experiences in the music I create.” Similarly, Ananya faced multiple obstacles in her life from losing loved ones, being bullied, and being diagnosed with a mental health disorder. However, the creative arts served as beautiful outlets for her to express her emotions in a healthy way. According to her, “creative arts can teach you how to tackle any problem simply by thinking outside the box.”            The stories of the CAMHP co-founder and VP Administration demonstrate just some of the many powers of the creative arts. Many people have cited creative arts as an integral part of their life, or even what saved their lives, particularly their mental health. Children and youth, particularly, can be emotionally vulnerable due to puberty and other changes they go through. Thus, by providing equal opportunities to explore the arts, they can discover unknown potential in themselves while learning to use art as a healthy coping mechanism. CAMHP is excited to begin the journey towards doing exactly this - sharing the strength of creative arts with youth around the world.

          Life isn’t easy and the obstacles are inevitable. But with CAMHP, creativity is limitless and powerful beyond measure. Just like it’s lasting effects.

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The Fist: An Ensemble of Fingers

CAMHP presents “The Fist: An Ensemble of Fingers”. Using a Wordle created by CAMHP executives (pictured below), 1 out of 3 poems were written based upon our goals and what we envision for our program. The poem below explores the power communities give to its individuals and the strength of working together. We hope you enjoy! 

i raise my fist for my community for it represents more than my own strength because this is not a battle i have to fight alone each finger for each one of you and i remember that i am connected and i remember that i belong and just like the fists we raise together with each hand dedicated to the other each finger vulnerable to the other we are powerful together

- the fist: an ensemble of fingers

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Check out this infographic created by CAMHP’s exec team. It outlines just some of the many forms of creative arts that can be used to strengthen our mental health and wellness.

Share your stories surrounding the creative arts and let us know if you try any of these! Stay connected to this blog, and our social medias, to learn more.

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Hey everyone!!

Check out this amazing infographic video covering mental health and the stigma around it created by our executive team! We also cover CAMHP’s objective for the future and goals we have set in place concerning the creative arts. 

Hope you enjoy + stay updated for our next post!