chaoschildshideout

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I like the idea of posting here during the day, it is like keeping notes about my thoughts but somehow the idea that people can see them makes it better because I am not to decide whether what I think is valuable or not and I might inspire someone without ever knowing it!

It might sound weird, but I lived without a phone for almost 2 years and only recently bought a new one for necessity and I feel like experiencing social media perks for the first time. Maybe it is a need for connection 🤔

I am watching a movie (Upgraded) and taking breaks to eat my homemade cinnamon rolls, working on commissions, progressing so slow after weeks of procrastination.

But I am weirdly happy, I am not writing all of this for others, I just feel safe expressing myself and knowing I don't have to hide parts of me and make other ones more visible for the sake of likeability.

I realized life cannot flow if you do not nurture your soul, however sometimes I feel so inspired by multiple things that I kinda end up doing nothing because prioritizing feels hard. It's like not wanting to lose any kind of experience but you already know you have set energy and time to spend on earth so you take back control by "choosing" to do nothing instead of experiencing the full pain of never being able to have it all.

Sometimes I believe I was meant to write. Not in the sense that it has to be popular somehow. I just have so much in me that finally has an outlet, and...it is one of those rare moments when I feel so happy being alive. It doesn't need to last forever, I know that. Being here is enough right now. Maybe later I'll be crying who knows...but that's why these moments are so precious! Don't take them for granted!

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Commissions always make me feel as if I am "trapped" in all kind of limitations, as if every wrong line, brush stroke is a dagger into my back...ughh, it's as if mistakes are such a danger because I need to prove my worth to other people..

When I draw freely for myself I can turn mistakes into opportunities to be more creative and rather than avoiding the hard things I transform them in something pleasant and unique, maybe because there's nothing to compare it with.

Learning the rules, staying within the rules can be hard when you have no perception of a real self-esteem or value outside of what you DO. If I am not what I make, if I do a bad commission, a bad drawing, what will happen to me? Of course there are real consequences like the client not coming back to you, but I realized that not being commissioned again by the same people actually makes me feel relief instead of anything negative. That says a lot about me and my fear.

Introspection can help a lot figuring out what your real issues and traumatic responses are to your environment! In my case I definitely have a hard time making commissioned artworks because 1) I don't actually have the kind of skills that give me emotional/mental stability and knowing I don't have to stress about the work, I lack experience! 2) I'm still trying to prove that by making money through my art makes it worthwhile to continue dedicating my time and energy to artistic expression without external judgements or the fear of it being called a "silly hobby".

It is hard to pursue any kind of dream when you lack support or worse, people diminish or treat you badly because of it. It's as if you need some kind of proof, some kind of approval that you are allowed to spend time doing what you love.

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Morning Anxiety - Most Artists are actually traumatized

I just woke up and writing helps me with morning anxiety, my brain likes to deep dive on all kind of thoughts as soon as I wake up, like if I just rot in bed my day will be doomed but if I start using my brain, venting, writing, be it who knows what kind of philosophical reasoning about the most random stuff it actually enters creative mode.

Sometimes I think my strongest assets as an artist are my creativity and emotional depth, also my problem solving but somehow I end up crying more about my skills because art isn't treated with respect like any other passion or job in our modern world (stuff like being a musician, artist, etc).

I believe artists had it soo hard from the beginning of their lives because they lacked real support and have been constantly receiving signals from the world that what they have to offer is not practical and useless overall. Wow...how do you not hate yourself and everything you create and always feel like you are not enough... *cough* I wonder why we all have self-esteem issues. Since we are young we NEED to prove through fame and money that our career choices are WORTH IT, that we won't be starving artists...I believe any artist under 18 years old AT LEAST, should not be worrying about making money with art at all, they should have the MENTAL freedom to explore their choices.

Sometimes I doubt I would have become so fixated with art commissions online if it wasn't that my desire to draw was always a reason to talk about money in my parents' house. Yep, brain thought we were in danger, that our time was meant to be used on certain hobbies only if we could PROVE that we could make money out of it...

Oh geez...

Here ya go, no, being an artist doesn't feel like a constant battle because it is NORMAL for it to be that way. MOST ARTISTS are simply traumatized and no one realizes that, so no one can help them!

I started thinking that maybe I should make some YouTube videos about the emotional side of being an artist, it could help people realize and start healing their trauma so that their work experience can be more free and peaceful!

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Yesterday I wrote an entire text that got lost out of a loading error and I just started posting randomly non art related content without any explanation as to why, sooooo here is the why! :D

(Yesterday I just got frustrated and gave up on rewriting it xD)

I wanted to announce that I'd start using Tumblr as my main social media both for art and as an online kind of journal/venting to make myself feel less invisible, especially the pain of trauma and depression I go through daily and the messy process of healing out of it.

I used to believe or label myself as mature or professional for not being one of those people who share a lot online, and saw people acting negatively towards those who did: calling them cringe, pick me people, attention seekers. I just ended up people pleasing a bunch of strangers online...and it made my perfectionism and expectations towards myself waay worse.

Other socials will be used as "portfolio" or sharing selected works, while on here I'll share daily drafts, sketches, behind the scenes, cooking, random thoughts, venting. After all this is my hideout! :))

Sometimes we think we are in control of our lives, that we consciously make choices for ourselves, but in reality our decisions are based on fear and desire. And if you don't work them out properly you might not always go in the direction you really want to!

I prefer Tumblr to many other socials, especially Instagram but I was always afraid it might not be the most popular. 

I am kind of a multifaceted artist...I don't just draw, I love art in every form, singing, sculpture, painting, dancing, writing...and especially I like anime art, but maybe that's changing too, not as in I want to abbandon it completely, I am just feeling more safe in exploring new options and having fun, which depression and anxiety out of trauma stopped me for years!

I am afraid, yes, but not as much as in the past, I have wasted many years worrying and crying...now I want peace and enjoy life however it is, not by fighting against it, but embracing it's flow.

PS. Here's a work in progress of something cool I made

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How can she be sooooo fluffy!?! (Her name is Iris)

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On my birthday I had fun painting on a round canvas with acrylics and make my first sculpture with DAS for fun!

Apparently my drawing studies improved my 3D modelling too! I only did a few sculptures as a kid (ugly ones) and tried again for fun (wanting to create some stuff for D&D for me and my friends). I was quite surprised about the result!!

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Messy cute cupcakes (raspberry and strawberry cream) for my birthday! 🥳🧁🎁🎈

PS. I love/enjoy cooking and food is my biggest pleasure. Some people smoke or drink for stress ...me? gimme FOOD 🌯🥨🍜🍕🥞

(birthday 30 May, 27 years this year) 🤟

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Ohhh yes, let's eat healthy today 🥸🥦

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My short timelapses and warm-ups actually came from a place of pressure — the fear of falling behind, of losing attention because I had nothing to post, even though I was working behind the scenes. But they also allowed me to embrace imperfection and reminded me that discomfort doesn’t have to overwhelm me — I can still choose how to respond.

And from that same discomfort, something meaningful was born. I realized how common this is among artists — the struggle to feel worthy without constant output. And when we blame either the outside world or ourselves, we lose the chance to be curious and kind with what we find.

This isn’t just about social media. It’s about the belief that we only matter if we’re productive — a belief rooted in the lack of support many artists experience, even from those closest to them.

I’ll share more in a blog post soon, because this is something I care about deeply and I firmly believe that if people observed carefully the roots of their pain, they could finally let go of that suffocating, inexistent perfection and see it for what it really is: a coping mechanism, a silent rebellion for feeling unworthy and unloved by a society that was never gentle with artists.

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"What the heck is on my head?!" – Havoc, 2 seconds before grabbing the brim and nearly squeezing poor Lume into another dimension.

Lume and Havoc are inseparable — and soon, you’ll find out why. 👀

There’s something brewing… the origin story of Havoc is on its way.

I’m so happy someone asked me to make a fanart of my mascot — it gave me the perfect excuse to finally explore her backstory! 💫

Would you like to see more art of her and Lume?

Lume doesn’t really have a body of her own — she can take on any shape, but yes, she’s absolutely touchable. (Squishy, too. Probably.)

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My creations were shaped by the fears and expectations of those who should have supported me.

Today, I share my first authentic illustration of a painful truth within me: the absence of safety and trust. Even if I can’t fully express it yet, it wouldn’t be fair to bottle up my emotions until my skills catch up.

In a world that constantly pushes me to be faster and better, I choose to protest by slowing down, lowering the bar, and finally breathing — so I can hear in the silence my inner voice.

"I won't harm you!" When all you needed, was someone to warmly welcome you in their arms, unconditionally embracing every part of you — only to find yourself caught in a suffocating trap, convinced that it was always your fault.  You lose your innocence to the darkness, until the day you finally awaken to the dangers that have always surrounded you. You realize you’ve been trying to breathe in waters that were always designed to drown you.  You could never win — because from the very beginning, you were set up to lose yourself in a cruel world where everyone lied about cherishing your well-being. You became bare flesh for their sharp edges, and they blamed you for the mess they've made. You were blamed to be the monster in a sea full of lies. "I won't harm you." Yes you will, and the saddest part, is that I will never receive an apology for it.

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Havoc is on site and working behind the scenes!

— my creative space is transforming! New illustrations, projects, and words are slowly taking shape. Thank you for your patience and for being here 🌿

My long absence was due to struggles with emotional and mental health. Like a butterfly, my pain submerged me in a suffocating, constricting cocoon, and creating became impossible. It's true when they say that in order to heal,you must first tear down the old to make room for the new, and that's exactly what happened to me. My depressive and anxiety episodes worsened, I lost all my old motivation, stopped seeking approval, and lost any reason to create. I felt like a puppet living a life that wasn’t mine—trapped in expectations and fears. But finally, a crack appeared in my cocoon, light began to seep through, and something deep inside me shifted, I could fly, at last.

My new work will reflect the changes within me, because art is no longer a source of pain but a way to express it.

-chaoschild

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commission artwork

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Taking a break from blogging posts

For both art and blog posts, I won't be keeping up with the "twice a week" plan for a while. I need a break in general, I will be posting randomly, without a real schedule, I don't know if it is a permanent choice or temporary, but I need more freedom and flexibility for an indefinite amount of time!

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commission work sketch

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commission work, sharkie ;P

original artist of the character: @jadekettu (I think this might be your account, let me know if I tagged wrong person :P)