climbingmountainsblog

[climbingmountainsblog]

Feb 27th, 2021

Throughout our relationship I know I was picky and a lot of what I done was to try and push you away. I was always afraid of being hurt and ultimately in the end I was hurt. I was afraid of letting go and my main focus was on the fact I knew in the end I was going to end up heartbroken. I never felt good enough for you, I felt like you were always looking elsewhere. You wanted me to feel secure and be happy but I couldn't do that because you were always messaging other people or creating social media accounts, joining dating websites and whatever else. I look back and I am honestly disgusted in myself for putting up with that, I never would have before you, and I never will again. I was far too in love with you, all I wanted was you, I wanted to be your wife and I wanted to be a family with you. I look back and I realise that I was just accepting anything. I accepted being treated terribly just because I was so desperate for you to love me. I deserved more than what I was getting but I stuck around, but in the end love wasn't enough.

[climbingmountainsblog]

An Open Letter To My Sons Father On Coparenting

Feb 8th, 2021

I find it difficult to see you on a Sunday because I still have feelings for you - Please don't confuse that as Im not saying I want you back or I have any other intentions to try and get you back or hope that we will sort things out because that is definitely not the case at all. Im in a good place now mentally and I want to positively co parent with you but I need you to understand that its not easy for me because there are still feelings there I cant just turn them off.

To be honest, I think they will always be there in some way as you're the father of my child and you've given me the greatest gift anyone ever could which is our son, he makes me want to be the best person I can be, and a good role model.

I am sorry for a lot of things I have said to you since splitting up during arguments and fights. The arguments come from a place of caring too much, which sounds ridiculous - I know. The hardest thing I have ever done is become a single mother while trying to start my life over again and repair my heart and mental wellbeing, but I really want our son to have both of his parents in his life. I want you to take notice of the effort I have been putting in to get along with you, and give you another chance at being a dad for our sons sake.

I need more from you in terms of effort, I need you to want to be a dad and it to be your top priority. Our strong point has never been communication, but we need to be able to communicate in order to co parent.

I've never wanted much from you. I want to be able to see your love for our child, the child we tried so hard for. I want you to want to see him more than what you do, I want you to create a bond with him, I just want you to be the best dad you can be, but I feel like you dont put in enough effort to do that.

Communication works both ways though. I feel like I always try and have serious conversations with you, and you give me one word answers and dont respond to most of it.

I get angry when you try to cancel or try to turn up late because in my eyes , it's one day out of a whole week. You have lost so much time, so why would you want to lose any more. My life is totally on hold right now as I'm too busy raising our child by myself. We both made this baby, so we should both be responsible for him - but it feels like im the only one who has had to sacrifice anything to be a parent.

You still carry on working away even though it means you can't see your son five days a week, then you need time to yourself so that leaves one day per week and even then you only see him for a few hours. It does make me angry that your life carries on as normal, and I'm left in this alone. That's why I react the way I do sometimes.

We've both handled a lot of things wrong but the only thing to do now is be better.

This is just me basically saying that we need to be adults, let go of the past completely, everything that has been said and done inside and outside of the relationship, stop throwing shit in each others faces. We might not get on 100% of the time as we are human, but things need to change on both sides. I need to chill out and you need to try harder.

If you want to be part of his life, I really need this to be the time you take it seriously because this is the last time I'm going to try. From now on, you put 100% in. Asking how he is even once or twice a week shows effort. Staying the whole time on a Sunday shows effort.

I dont want to spend my life at war with you, I just want our son to be happy and have his mummy and his daddy in his life. That's all im asking for and expecting.

[climbingmountainsblog]

Jan 24th, 2021

I lost everything 6 months ago. I started from scratch as a single mum of a 3 month old. I hit rock bottom. I had severe postnatal depression. I didnt want to be here anymore. You know what I done? I pulled up my big girl pants and I pulled myself together for the sake of my son. I had my days and nights where all I done was cry, but I had to get on with things as my son needed his mum. You say you miss your sons and you want to see them, the first step is pulling yourself out of that hole you're falling into deeper each day and telling yourself you're not gonna be defeated. Free time? Get up, get showered if it makes you feel better, walk the dog, visit farms, ring around places looking for a job. Try consistently to message Corinne & Taylor and agree to when you can see the boys. Put a plan in place and give yourself something to work towards. We are all feeling it right now, life feels pointless, nowhere to go, nothing to do. Everyone's mental health is taking a hit - mine included. I've had a few nights recently where I've got upset and thought "I'm 28 and what have I got?". My life didnt pan out how I wanted it to. But I'm not gonna make a new one by sitting wallowing everyday. Thats how you end up in a never ending circle of depression with no way out.

[climbingmountainsblog]

Aug 9th, 2020

I know you're ready to put an end to things and you seem to be set with that but that thought is honestly devastating to me it feels so sudden and I dont know what to make of it or what to think given the fact weve just started a family together. I'm asking you to consider setting a time of however many months to try and fix what's broken and if in those months you still feel the same I won't stand in your way. I will still move out, and you can still pursue whatever career you wish be that here or away. What do you think? Its crushing me that we haven't even had a family day out. I don't want to live a life of arguments either - I know I love you and that I don't want things to end like this.

[climbingmountainsblog]

An Open Letter To My Partner

Oct 19th, 2018

I found this one in the drafts - hence why the date is earlier.

I feel there's so much that needs talked about and discussed but for some reason we can't seem to do it face to face.

So much has happened since we got together, we've been through so much and I think all the pain and suffering have a lot to do with the arguing and fighting that seems to continue no matter what. I hate that we don't talk about anything anymore. We don't feel close like we used to. It feels like we're struggling to like each other never mind be in love with each other sometimes. During arguments especially.

When you walked out on me recently, and showed me how you can easily still be so sneaky and lie to my face so effortlessly, it actually broke me more than you will ever realise. Since that point I've been questioning if I want to carry on, if it's really worth it to be with someone who doesn't see an issue in lying to me continuously regarding all different things, granted some smaller, but still lies all the same. The only reason I stay is because of how much I love you and that's what it boils down to. I don't even see a reason to continue without you because when I see a future for myself or think of my future you're always in it in my mind and I wouldn't want to imagine it any other way.

I feel like we always try to talk about things but we never seem to resolve any issues as each discussion ends in the same way; a heated argument. All I've ever wanted from you is to feel loved and like I'm the most important person in your world, but sometimes it feels like you can't even be bothered to spend time with me or don't even want to talk to me. Sometimes a little extra effort goes a long way and feeling wanted and appreciated would benefit both of us as I would be willing to go the extra mile too.

We used to be able to talk about anything. I should be the person you can trust enough to open up to no matter what but I seem to be the one person you can't let in and I don't understand why. Because we don't really talk about anything meaningful anymore unless we are arguing or you are drunk and it makes me feel like I don't have you there to turn to and lean on anymore either. Every day is truly a struggle for me now and being completely honest it's been this way since I got the news in hospital when I was staying in last May. I have so much built up anger and sadness and I don't know how to get rid of it, and sometimes all I want is for you to understand that sometimes I just need you there, not necessarily doing anything or saying much, just being there. I feel so alone most of the time, and because of that if makes me feel angry, bitter and resentful towards you for not being the man I need you to be, for not giving me the support I need and I feel that's why we just haven't been working recently and i just push you away cause I feel like I haven't got you anyway. Or that you're going to leave one day. For loads of different reasons.

For this relationship to work I feel we both really need to become better people towards each other, we need to think of our words and actions and how they will affect each other and most of all we need to put effort into making each other happy instead of drifting further apart and becoming strangers living in the same house. We need to treat other with respect. Not bring each other down.

I miss all the times we used to spend laughing. Cuddling in bed without focusing all our attention onto our phones. Watching movies but spending more time messing around and having fun, play fighting and carrying on, than actually watching the tv. I used to laugh so much now I feel like I cry more than I laugh. That's never been me and it's not who I want to continue being. I want to be happy again.

We used to enjoy each other's company, i want us to enjoy each other's company again. I want us to feel like we are in love again and make lots of memories and head towards a better future. Not move backwards and see the future run further away everyday.

We both need to compromise. You've told me what you don't like, and I promise to try my hardest to be a better person, a better girlfriend and give us a better life.

All I need is you to match my effort, show me some attention/affection, show me love and make me feel like I matter. No more lies - no matter how small or irrelevant you think it is. And no more binge drinking sessions. Show me you can be trusted. Show me you want this to work. Show me you mean it.

At this point this is our last chance at happiness with each other... It's make or break. Let's start over and make this our one chance to finally move on from anything negative.

Prove to me the relationship is worth fighting for and I will do the same.

I love you so much.

[climbingmountainsblog]

What To Expect When You're Expecting

Oct 18th, 2019

Yes, you read the title correct, I am expecting. I waited to publish this post, as I didn't want to have to write a pregnancy post followed by another miscarriage post. I can happily say, I am 13 weeks pregnant and I actually cannot believe it. The word "happy" does not even begin to describe how I'm feeling right now.

I took several pregnancy tests, and then got my partner to get a digital to confirm, it was there in front of me - "pregnant".

All sorts of emotions were running through my mind, excitement, fear of loss, happiness, nerves.

The first few weeks really did drag, I had an ultrasound at the Early Pregnancy Assessment Suite when I was a little over 7 weeks, it went really well, the scan was very clear and the sonographer actually said it was the easiest ultrasound of the day.

At a little over 8 weeks I paid for a private ultrasound as the anxiety was too much, and much to my surprise that ultrasound went amazing too! There was my little bean on the screen with a strong heartbeat.

Yes, I got anxious again, well let's face it, the anxiety never left.  I paid for another private ultrasound and this time I was a little over 9 weeks, I was very nervous for this ultrasound. I sat in the waiting room, I felt sick and my palms were sweaty and a little shaky, eventually it was my turn to be seen and we walked in, I hopped up on the bed and nervously awaited. Very quickly the sonographer turned on the screen and showed us our baby, we even saw the baby move, this was truly amazing. We left feeling on top of the world.

I'm still beyond nervous, scared to buy anything, scared to let myself believe this is truly it for me, but so far so good. I've never made it this far.

I'M ON TOP OF THE WORLD RIGHT NOW.

[climbingmountainsblog]

Undiagnosed Mental Health Issues

Mar 1st, 2019

This is a bold statement to finally publically make, however I have believed for many years I have an undiagnosed mental illness. I have made attempts at going to the doctors as mentioned in previous posts, I have got referrals to counselling, trying my hardest to be honest, but the truth is, I haven't been able to get the help I need because as soon as I finally get to counselling I can't be honest.  I have great difficulty talking to people about what's going on with me, which I have discussed in depth in my last post.  I can't be truthful about events happening in my life or how I truly act at home.  I can type the truth till my heart's content, but as soon as I come face to face with a health professional (or anyone for that matter) I can't discuss my issues.

When at these appointments I tend to downplay how bad things are, I have a desperate need to be liked by everyone and this therefore drives me to the point of making myself out to be the good person in all scenario's I discuss, even in a therapy setting.  I tell myself I won't do this, I tell myself I'll be honest and get the help I crave, but I just don't know how to be when that pressure of that one to one, eye contact type situation presents itself.  I've been trying for seven years now, and I'm still stuck in the same rut.

My mental health issues have destroyed so many friendships, and now they're destroying my current relationship too.  I know my partner is at his wit's end with me, he doesn't know how to proceed because I keep bursting out into intense rages of anger, over the slightest little thing.  I make all the promises in the world to stop, and change, and I can't, I know I can't.  I try my damn hardest not to be that person, but truth is, I'm awful, and I'm incapable of change.  I must be, as I've tried to change so many times, and failed time and time again.

There are so many triggers to my anger, the way my partner has acted or treated me in the past is a huge one.  My childhood was awful, I spent my days fearing my father and waking up to the house being smashed up, the sound of my mother crying and my "dad" beating her up again, or throwing her down the stairs.  He lifted his hands to me too, but my mother got the most part of it.  I still remember an awful text I received from my father as a young girl, it sticks in my brain.  I read it and then I heard my mum coming up the stairs, so I put my phone under the pillow and pretended to be asleep.  I was "woken" to my mum asking for my phone, and she deleted the text.  I pretended like I hadn't seen it.  I will never know if the text was truly meant for me, and I always hoped it was a mistake.  Even if it was meant for my mum, it's stuck in my head and makes me feel sick to my stomach to this day.  It's not as if he ever text me, so why would he accidentally send it to me?  The thought ponders.

I ruin all types of relationships with my intense fear of abandonment, I think everyone is going to leave me, so I cause arguments constantly about how they don't care about me, they don't love me, and I'm always everyone's second choice.

Everything I do, I do it because I feel as though I care too much.  The awful way I act, I can't control it.  I act that way when I feel pushed aside or unloved.

I literally hate myself, I hate my appearance, I hate my personality, I hate how I act, I hate my body, not just how it looks, but everything that's wrong with it.  I hate my health problems, I hate myself as a whole.

My mood swings are uncontrollable.  To the point my partner thinks I'm bipolar (I truly believe this is not what I'm suffering from, after plenty of in depth research).  We could be chatting normally and suddenly I will just have an uncontrollable overwhelming surge of emotions, anger mostly, causing me to argue about the smallest things, such as my man leaving dishes in the sink.  I don't really flip over dishes though, the problem lies deeper, the resentment from past issues lies on the surface and causes me to react to small things.

Things from the past (such as my partner running back to his ex at the beginning of the relationship, or lying about it) cause me to have severe trust issues.  However, I did already trust issues before, so the combination isn't great.

I can't stand the thought of losing him though, so I could never leave him, even though I make the threat a lot.  I get far too attached to people, both relationships and friendships, they become everything to me and all I usually crave is for them to feel the same about me.  Usually it never feels as though they do though.

My attachment to people is a very negative trait to have, as it means I put up with things I shouldn't.  I have put up with my man messaging other girls, creating dating profiles, messaging girls on dating profiles, and who knows what else.

I always find a way to blame myself.

I feel trapped for reasons not discussed in this post.

[climbingmountainsblog]

Forgiveness

Feb 27th, 2019

Why is forgiveness so difficult?

At least for me that's how it is.

I find it so hard to forgive people, when they do something to me I bear a grudge and I can't let go.  Even if I appear to have forgiven them it's always in the back of my mind, hovering, existing, reminding me of what that person has done to me in the past. Sometimes I sit and think to myself "I'd love to have a kind forgiving nature", then my mind or whatever it is comes back and snaps at me; "you're not the one who's done wrong". I let things eat away at me, diminishing my trust in people more and more as my thoughts wander.  Sometimes it feels like everyone is out to get me, like the world is against me perhaps - 99% of the time I believe this to be 100% true, then I have days where the other 1% tells me; "don't be silly, the only person out to get you is you, your mind, your racing negative thoughts, your distrust in people". I don't really trust anyone 100%, I always have that doubt in the back of my mind, mostly because I don't feel good enough, it's such a horrible feeling to experience. Don't get me wrong, I have great days, days where I feel on top of the world, it could even be described as feeling "high on life". I make plans for my future, I believe anything is possible, I feel powerful, and most importantly I believe in myself, that can last days, sometimes even weeks, then I come back down to reality. 

I was reading an article online over at Power To Change and they say human behavior suggests that people are “hard-wired” to retaliate when they have been hurt by another person. They say our pride or self-esteem is injured, which of course is very true. Our expectations or dreams are disappointed.  We lose something very valuable to us.  We want recompense for the damages. It's ironic because when we do something wrong or hurtful/disappointing we tend to excuse our own behavior by attributing external causes. In those cases we blame the incident on something or someone else. We tend to let ourselves off the hook and give ourselves permission to fail/do wrong.

As suggested on the article I've asked myself plenty of times "do I want things bitter or better?" Of course my answer is always better, but it isn't always as simple as just "letting go".  Forgiveness has a huge impact on our own health and feelings.  Forgiveness is not so much about the other person as it is about our own hearts, and says more about us than the person who let us down.  Forgiveness is for our benefit, no one else's. I've personally let resentment imprison me in life, I have let anger and resentment destroy myself and my relationships with people. Apparently letting go of hurt is in most cases, not an overnight experience; it takes time.

It's certainly something worth working on I'd say!

[climbingmountainsblog]

My Mental Health

Feb 27th, 2019

I have suffered from mental health issues my whole life.  Most of the people closest to me know all about it and have experienced the effects first hand.  To everyone on the outside of my circle, I'm amazing at hiding these issues.  I'm great at covering up sadness, anxiety, and severe mood swings, and I am an expert at creating the illusion of happiness.

I have many traits about myself I don't like, one of the things I really do hate about myself is the fact I hold grudges, and I struggle to forgive and let go of the past.  I struggle to move on from things.  This is the main cause of most of my problems in all relationships - past and present.  My biggest issue is not really knowing how to deal with my problems in the correct way.  I bottle them up, I say nothing, and eventually I explode.  I've always been that way, but then I've never really felt comfortable talking about how I really feel, and although I do try, it still feels awkward and uncomfortable for me.  It's scary to me, to reveal myself to people.  I can't discuss problems or real life topics eye to eye with people, the eye contact makes me cringe and want to run.

Writing my feelings down is a completely different story, I find it much easier, and can truly write how I feel with complete honesty, no awkwardness, just truth.  Although I can write things down, I do think it's important for me to learn to talk about things, and I am trying to do so.  I have actually been trying to learn to talk about things for a long time now, but I'm actually making more of an effort now as I'm determined to become a better person.  I feel as though when I try harder, I end up taking a few steps backwards.  I wish people knew how much I do try although sometimes it may not look that way.  I wish people would notice how much effort I put into not causing arguments, and how it's all down to my own self hatred, my own trust issues, and my own unhappiness.

Recently some issues have been affecting my life a lot, especially when it comes to moving on from things which have happened in the past.  Rather than moving on I tend to dwell on things that have happened before, and I let it severely affect my mood and thought process.  It has gotten to the point it is control my whole life, and is turning me into a very bitter and miserable person.  Someone who isn't very nice to be around.

Obviously I recognise now that it has gotten to this point, I really need medical help.  I went to speak to a doctor and was referred to a counsellor, however this took eight months.  After such a long period of time, the courage was gone.  I attended my appointment, which in total was three appointments.  I explained about my mood, however I failed to put across just how bad things were, and due to this the counselling failed me.  She thought I didn't need more appointments.  I cannot express myself in words, and even though I tried to explain this, my counsellor did not do anything to try and help me with this.  She took what I said with a pinch of salt and thought I was doing OK.  I did not have the bravery to tell her I wasn't OK.  If my issues were minor, I wouldn't of tried to seek help in the first place.

I am always being told by my partner to leave things in the past, or to stop casting things up.  To him it really does seem that simple, to just not mention something or forget it happened.  To me it is far from being as simple as that, and I really wish I could just forget a lot of things as it would make my life a whole lot easier to live.  I would be so much happier.  I would be an all round better person.  What he doesn't see is, these issues are permanently circling inside my head, every minute of every day, how can I not say anything when I can't think of anything else? 

I completely understand the past is in the past for a reason, and I try so hard to change my thought process.  I feel like the world is completely against me, and everyone would be better off if I weren't here some days.  I feel like my partner deserves better than me also.  I'm surprised he's still around.  I've came close to losing him a good few times, I think this is why I stick around through all of his faults.

If you are struggling, take my advice and seek help before it gets to the stage I am at.  Seek help before these thoughts and feelings take over your life and completely change you as a person.  I didn't make those steps quick enough and as a result I am no longer confident, I am no longer happy within myself or with who I am as a person, I actually can honestly say I hate who I am, and that is never how someone should end up feeling about themselves.  I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Before this point I saw getting help as being weak, even now I have my worries about it - completely unrelated to any of the issues mentioned in this post.  I may discuss those issues in a future post.

It is okay to need help.  Things happen in life beyond our control, major things which affect us in ways we never thought we could feel pain, and the trauma stops us from living a normal life.  We shouldn't spend our short lives feeling sad, we should have things to look forward to.

I look forward to getting back to the confident girl I once was, no matter how long it takes.

The mind is a very powerful tool, and it truly can destroy you if you let it.  Do not be ashamed to make those steps towards getting the help you need to become a better person, to become a happier person.  To be yourself again.

The stigma regarding mental illness needs to stop.

[climbingmountainsblog]

It's Okay To Be Bad At Things

Feb 26th, 2019

I am happy to admit, I love to be good at things.  As a child and teenager, even a young adult, that was my persona.  I was the girl that was good at things, even when things went wrong I would never tell anyone, I would keep up that perfect persona. 

To this day, a lot of my self-worth depends on success and life accomplishments, and that is the reason I'm miserable. 

I'm doing great in work, I was offered a promotion even though I turned it down for personal reasons.  I hate others seeing anything other than perfect, because if I do something wrong, I feel like a failure.

People see the good, but they don't see the anxiety-filled, psycho perfectionist.  They tell me they wish they had my confidence and attitude, and I reply "thank you", confidently.  If only they knew I was the polar opposite to the girl they actually see.  All of that is hidden with a mere "thanks".

As life goes on, I'm in my late twenties now, therefore life experience has built up and I'm realising that it is okay to be bad at things.  Making mistakes and doing things wrong is how you learn and move on, and become better.  I've been through a lot of hardships in my life, stemming from childhood, and I believe those hard times are the reason I crave people to like me, love me, or be jealous of what they think is my life.

I am not perfect, and I never will be.  I am not the girl that never makes mistakes, however I am good at some things, I'm great at my job.  I'm comforting, caring, and I am passionate about what I do.  That's one of the things I love about myself.

I am terrible at maths, however I did manage to get through accounting classes at college, therefore I'm not the worst, and that's just as okay as being the best, or the absolute worst!

I'm learning to stop treating life like a competition, as that just creates negativity in your own mind and it really does start to drag you down and make you sad, because there's always going to be someone better, someone prettier, someone with a better body, it's all about self perception.  If you love yourself, the others won't matter, all that matters is you.

In my opinion, if you enjoy something, you should go ahead and do it, even if you do suck - because practice makes perfect.

Through my job I have learned life is far too short to spend it worrying about what other people think.  Even though I've made this realisation I still do care too much, but the fact is I've recognised where I'm going wrong and I'm trying to change for the better.

That’s not to say you shouldn’t try your damn best at things, but just stop making yourself crazy about it and letting it affect your life and mindset in a huge way. You’re not going to be the best at everything. However, you can be the best you can possibly be if you put your mind and soul into it, and it's okay trying to do so.

I have a pretty hard time with this myself. I am competitive. I don’t really feel motivated to do anything I’m not going to be great at. No-one ever learned new skills sticking to their comfort zone.  At this moment in time, I'm learning to drive, and you better believe I absolutely hate people telling me I'm doing it wrong, or to change how I do certain things.  I try and take all the comments on board, and realise they do know better.  It's not easy though.

So I am accepting I am bad at things, and that it's okay to be bad at things!

It is okay to suck at things.  It doesn’t mean you have to quit. It doesn’t mean you have to worry endlessly about it till your mind and body is filled with so much anxiety you cannot function.  It doesn’t mean you’re bad at everything either. Being the best is not the be all and end all.  It doesn’t make you a better person than others and it does not make them better than you.  Your ability to be a certain way or do certain things does not make you more worthy than anyone else, or less worthy than anyone else, and although I'm sitting here telling you all that, it's a process I'm still learning.  I'm trying to change my mindset for the sake of my own sanity.

Go forth, take a deep breath and keep on being good, or bad, and don't let it get you down.

It’s Time To Let Go Of Our Obsession With Perfection

[climbingmountainsblog]

Anger: Giving In To The Enemy

Feb 15th, 2019

Throughout mytwenty six years of life I've held onto anger for almost all of it, and I've suffered a lot.  Anger is something I still battle with, I have a lot of demons I fight inside my head daily.  I read a quote the other day and it is so true.  "Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die".

Wow.  Yes.  That really hit me like a ton of bricks.  When anger builds up it can truly be deceiving as it can make you feel as though your anger is totally justified and you can even feel great about it, that means you hold on to the anger and resentment towards specific people throughout your life grows bigger and bigger, and relationships fall apart piece by piece, be it friendships, relationships, or even family relationships.  In the end the only person that gets truly hurt and continues to suffer is yourself.

We tell ourselves by bearing grudges and "not backing down" we are being strong, but in fact, holding onto anger is a huge weakness and even I realise that now, it's taken me all this time to see it.  It has taken me a lot of lost relationships to come to this realisation, a lot of heartache and misery.  Yes, sometimes anger can be justified, and you are entitled to feel however you want to feel, and that's okay.

You can be angry, however holding on to that anger is only going to damage your own emotional well being.  There comes a point where you need to realise enough is enough, and you need to draw a line and move on for your own sake, not for anyone else, not for the sake of "letting them off with it", but for your own sanity.

Letting someone off with treating you badly, and drawing a line under certain things, requires courage and bravery.  It requires you to be the bigger person and it requires you to let go of what you think they deserve, this makes it an extremely difficult task to do.  I commend anyone who actually manages to do this.

Bitterness doesn't get us many places.  It leaves us feeling sad, angry, annoyed, and it affects us much more than the other person.  Sometimes when the angry feeling we've been holding onto disappears we feel a strong sense of regret.  Regretting the fact we let anger destroy a friendship, a relationship, the fact we struggled to move on when we could of tried to let go.

This is where the grey area lies for me, where is the line between moving on, and accepting too much?  All my life my feelings have been made feel irrelevant, not only by my parents, but by so called friends, and partners.  It has now gotten to the stage I'm not quite sure most of the time if I'm over reacting and letting anger get the better of me.

If you treat others the way they have treated you in order to get back at them, that makes you hypocritical.  That's not someone I'd imagine anyone wants to be.

As long as we are all trying our very best to sustain some sort of happiness, that is all any of us can really do.

[climbingmountainsblog]

Abandonment Issues

Feb 15th, 2019

As I was laying in bed, I stumbled upon a few posts on Pinterest regarding abandonment issues, after reading for a short while I have realised I actually have very serious abandonment issues, and I'm pretty sure now that I am aware of this I need to do something about it, I need to get help to get over these issues, as well as some other issues I have which I just keep throwing out of my head pretending they don't exist.  

After reading the post I realised I have all of the traits mentioned in it, I am clingy, I am  needy, I am jealous and insecure. I genuinely think these issues stem from fear of being left due to past experiences of losing most people I love, and people not caring enough about me in the past, between my best friend(s) walking away from me and leaving my life, my dad not loving me enough to treat me right forcing me to walk away from him and the horrible things he was capable of, my ex cutting me out like I was nothing, and things that happened between my partner and I at the beginning of our relationship, all of these things have truly messed me up inside and now my biggest fear is losing my partner, I fear one day he will realise he can do better than me and just leave.

I feel like after a while people get fed up of me and my issues and insecurities and they leave because I'm not worth the hard work. I try so hard, I tell myself I will be better and do better, I won't say anything out loud, I won't let anyone know about my insecurities, but somehow after a while they shine through no matter how hard I try not to let them, I become argumentative, I push people away and I have no control over it, not just in my relationship, but I've lost friends this way too, I manage to convince myself they do not care about me at all, I convince myself I am not worthy and eventually I voice these feelings, I cause arguments, it is a vicious circle.

When it comes to my partner, he tells me every day he loves me, but sometimes I feel as if it is untrue, I ask myself how can he love me? What is there to love? At the beginning of our relationship we had a lot of tough times, he left me and went back to his ex, and almost a year and a half down the line I still can't get over this, I feel like he must regret coming back to me, I feel like he would of had a better happier life with her, and sometimes I can't help but say these things, or compare our relationship to theirs, and I know each time I say something he gets angrier and more fed up of hearing it.

Although I may be hard work but in my own head I feel as though you will never find a more loyal friend or partner who would ever love you as much as I do. Wether that is a friendship or partnership, I am so loyal and I have so much love to give, sometimes maybe too much.

Signs of Abandonment Issues

Extreme jealousy over small things

Clingy behaviour in friendships and romantic relationships

Walking away from your partner before he or she can leave you

In some cases avoiding getting close to people

Insecurity (more than just the normal amount insecurities, we all have some)

Anxiety

Depression

Unhealthy attachment to someone

Fear of your partner being unfaithful

Sabotaging relationships (causing arguments, making a big deal from the few small negative points in the relationship etc)

Commitment issues (creating reasons to end the relationship)

Testing your partner by using the sabotaging behaviour in the relationship

Overly controlling behaviour 

Difficulty trusting others

Dwelling on the past

Looking for flaws or negative points

Feelings of resent when excluded from plans

Very low self esteem

Abandonment issues are no joke, if you recognise any of the above signs or symptoms I recommend you seek professional help before this self destructive behaviour destroys you and your relationships.

[climbingmountainsblog]

The Fear: Pregnancy After Miscarriage

Feb 15th, 2019

The thing about having one miscarriage, is that you always fear another. 

When an average person trying to conceive takes a pregnancy test, and gets a positive result, they are happy to be pregnant .

When someone who has previously suffered miscarriage takes a pregnancy test and gets a positive result, they are still wondering.  A positive result is only a possibility of a pregnancy, because there still lies a chance it can be taken away.  We only "might" have a baby.  We only "might" make it to 8, 9, 12 weeks.  Nothing is certain, which means it is not an enjoyable experience.  Instead it is a time of worry, anxiety is at an all time high.  It is the most terrifying experience to go through, and no words can explain the panic we feel at any little thing.

I am pregnant again after suffering recurring miscarriages.  I have a lot of fear of miscarrying again with this pregnancy, because I know how likely it is to happen given my past experiences.  I know how it feels to go to a twelve week dating scan and be told your baby has no heartbeat.

Every time I go to the bathroom I am almost waiting to see spotting on my underwear, the fear eats me alive every time I have to pull down my trousers and sit on the toilet seat.  Such a simple task which carries such an incredible fear.

When I don't see the spotting, the fear doesn't disappear, because I also know what it's like to suffer loss with no symptoms at all, this means there's absolutely nothing that can make me relax and enjoy my pregnancy.  Don't get me wrong, I am so utterly thankful to be pregnant, and I'm not ungrateful in any way.  The fear just completely consumes me and takes over my life.

Nothing is indicating that there is anything wrong this pregnancy, however nothing indicated anything was wrong with the last one either. I still haven’t heard that beautiful, fast little heart with the doppler, so I decided to stop trying.

I still haven’t seen my child on the grainy black and white ultrasound machine because I've decided to wait till later on instead of seeing everything is all good and then having it swiped from me just like that.

Pregnancy is so risky with many many unknowns. And you put yourself, your life, on the line in the hopes of a beautiful, healthy child, whom you would love with all your heart. But, unfortunately some of us are not fortunate enough for it to end that way, it doesn’t always work out like we hope, like we pray, like we desire, in one way or another.  Sometimes it comes to an abrupt end and there are absolutely no explanations as to why it happened.So all we can do is take a deep breath, hope, pray, do anything we can to get through each day, and hope everything works out okay, because god knows I'm not strong enough to handle another loss.

I will continue to pray that this baby will keep on growing inside of me, healthily, and will be able to meet me and his or her daddy one day soon. I hope that I won’t have a miscarriage (ever) again. But, I know that whatever does happen, it’s not my fault. 

Ultimately, I know that I should never let fear take over, but anyone who's been in my current situation knows that is pretty much impossible, when everything we've ever dreamed of having is so close, yet so far.

[climbingmountainsblog]

How to Stop Listening to the Enemy Between your Ears

Feb 15th, 2019

Yes, you read the title correctly.  

Every day for as long as I can remember I have been at war with myself inside my own head.  Between battling emotions caused by anxiety and depression, and other mental health issues, these problems have been ongoing for so many years I've lost count.  My whole adult life I've been affected by feelings of self loathing, low self esteem and like I'm a failure in general, so I know more than the average person what these feelings can do to a person.  

These feelings are always present and have affected my relationships and friendships to the point I've lost most of my friends and almost my current relationship on a few occasions too, and even now it's rocky.  Most of these issues are caused by my own thoughts and feelings inside my own head, thinking my friends don't care about me, family don't care about me, and neither does my partner.

1. See Yourself As A Warrior

First things first: You have to start looking at yourself as a warrior.

You’re in constant battle with yourself when things shouldn't be that way, in fact, it should be quite the opposite.  You should love yourself, and as much as I used to hate this phrase, if you don't love yourself no one else will.  I don't mean that quite as literal as it comes across, but if you're constantly at war with your own self, it takes away from the amazing love someone could have for you because you spend so much time rejecting that love and pushing everyone away.

You are in control of your life, and your happiness can't depend on another person, as sad as it sounds people do come and go, believe me I've lived to tell the tale.  When someone leaves, if your happiness depends on them then you will shatter beyond repair, and that isn't the type of control someone should have over you.

Live your life, and own your life, take charge of you and don't put that kind of pressure on someone else.  I've put that pressure on others all  my life, and it's resulted in me feeling alone for all of it.

Never blame yourself. That’s not what a warrior does. Instead, fight your inner enemy by not giving up.  Overcome your issues, do not suffocate in them.

2. Don't have Expectations

One of the biggest causes of inner conflict is that we have too high expectations of other people.

People suck, that's the bottom line.  We expect too much, especially from our partner, family members and friends.   We expect them to cater for all of our needs, but they're human with their own lives too, and although I'm writing this I totally understand feeling as though you cannot control it, you want people to make you happy, but that can't be the be all and end all.

Never have high expectations. You will only be disappointed.

Instead, expect nothing, and everything else is just a bonus.

3. You’re Not Perfect -Accept That

Stop beating yourself up for making mistakes.  Mistakes happen and such is life, life is unpredictable and even now I struggle to make sense of it.  If you try to be perfect and appear perfect to others, you're just hurting yourself.  You're creating a barrier between yourself and others which means you will only spend more time at war with yourself, because you're not being honest with others.  You're not being honest about your true feelings and emotions, and by not sharing you will gradually bottle feelings up more.

Eventually you will end up like me and struggle to even talk about your feelings, and if anything destroys you, it's bottling up feelings.

If you pretend and try to be perfect, you’re never at peace with yourself. Nothing is good enough.  Why?  Because there's no such thing as perfect, sweetheart.

4. Never Question Life

I get it.  You go to work, you come home, you clean the house, you get ready for work the next day, you shower, you sleep, you wake up and repeat.  Life is hard, and you get nothing in return.  No results.

You question: “What is the point in this?”

You’re never promoted at work.

No one buys your product.

No one puts you first.

No one cares.

Once you have at least one negative thought like that, the floodgates will open.  It happens without fail every single time.

Then comes the waterworks.  Self-loathing.  Binge eating.  Further self-loathing.  Repeat.

Never question life.  No one has the answers, we're all winging it.

5. Believe In Yourself

How do you believe in yourself?  So many people would love a quick fix to that question.  In my opinion, you could read all the self-help manuals and life coach books in the world, they won't just automatically change your deepest emotions and make you love yourself.

You also can't say things to yourself and believe them if it's not what you truly believe inside, because deep down we know it's just a pep talk.

Lying to yourself does not help, and nor does lying to others.

Self help starts with being brutally honest to yourself, and as difficult as it may be, being truthful with others.

If you don't try hard, you won't get anywhere, so go and do all the hard work as that's where things begin to change.

Seeking professional help is also an option if needed.  There is no shame.

6. Arm Yourself Correctly

The battles you fight with yourself are very real, it's not about pretending you have no issues left to face and painting on a fake smile.

Wars will still happen with yourself, you just need to arm yourself correctly and you will actually have a chance at winning.  You will never be defeated as long as you keep fighting.

Make those changes to become a happier you.

[climbingmountainsblog]

The Problem With Promise Rings

Dec 18th, 2018

If you’re one of the many adults in a committed relationship who has been given a "promise" ring instead of what you thought may be an engagement ring, you will relate to this post.

In my opinion, promise rings are a complete waste of time. They can even cause unnecessary heart ache. I will explain why if you keep on reading.

If you have ever given/received a promise ring, I’m sorry if you just got offended by that statement, however this post is based purely on my own personal experiences therefore no offense is intended. 

For those who may not know what a promise ring is, it's a gift a guy gets his girl which is supposed to express he will marry her "one day".  It is in no way an engagement ring.  The most a promise ring says is, "I'm not ready yet" in my opinion.

At its very best it's an engagement to a possible future engagement, but not yet.

If you’re a girl getting offered a promise ring, I offer you my sympathy.  I woke up one morning to a ring I thought was an engagement, it came alongside a heartfelt letter spilling out his undying love for me, however, at the end of this letter he said, "I hope you like it.  It's an eternity ring type thing".  In that moment my heart shattered, I said I love it, I smiled, and when I finally went upstairs I sat sobbing on my bed.

The only thing that went through my head was how he was engaged to his ex girlfriend but he gave me an eternity ring.  He always told me he loves me more than he ever loved her, so why did she get the real deal and I got a ring that says "I'm not ready to commit yet?".

I'm on the closer side of thirty, I feel promise rings are something sixteen or eighteen year old teenagers might give to each other.  I felt hurt by this gift.

If you’re a guy dating a woman, instead of wasting your money on a meaningless gift, if you're not yet ready then just wait it out until you are ready.  Don't bother with the promise of an engagement someday as it really can toy with a girls head. The thought is nice, however flowers will be appreciated just as much.  Wait until you know you’re ready to make a move and commit yourself to someone for life. No half-way, puppy-love, maybe someday empty promises! 

I've never told anyone except my mother in my real life about this incident as I felt so selfish and ungrateful, but in a way I know what I'm saying makes sense, or at least it does in my head.  That being said my head has always been known to over-think and let that overthinking ruin good things.  Maybe I'm wrong, but I know that heart wrenching ache I felt was real.  That awful "not good enough" feeling that likes to make their grand entrance once every now and then.

When myself and my partner were drinking together my drunken self ended up expressing how I felt about the situation, and to this day he doesn't understand.  He gave me the whole "I didn't think you wanted to get married" excuse piled with a thousand more excuses on top.

To this day it still hurts, I still wonder when is he ever going to propose, and why he hasn't done it yet when he was engaged and planning a wedding with his ex girlfriend.

[climbingmountainsblog]

The Heartbreaking Reality Of Loving Someone You Have No Future With

Nov 22nd, 2018

Falling in love can be the most amazing experience, however it can also be one of the worst experiences a person can endure, depending on the circumstances.

When you meet someone and you instantly feel that connection it can feel as though that's the only thing in life that matters in that moment.  You feel so great about this person and you don't really care about anyone else's thoughts or opinions because it's not them who feels the instant spark and amazing connection.

When you fall for someone you fail to see their flaws, you're so blinded by their love you think everything about them is perfect.  You learn new things about each other and each first-time experience you share feels as though you dive further into love with them.  Every moment you spend together is priceless.

This is exactly why the beginning stages of any relationship is called the honeymoon period.  You are on a little holiday of your own, all wrapped up in lovely thoughts about your new love interest, that you fail to see the real issues staring you in the face.  The honeymoon period unfortunately does come to an end, and then reality hits you like a ton of bricks.

In life, we all usually fall in love with someone at some point that we actually have no future with, and it's totally and utterly heartbreaking.  You don't really know what to do, but it can come in all different types of scenarios.  You could have fallen in love with your best friend, the one you thought wanted you could have been using you and moved on to the next, you could have been ghosted, or simply been in a relationship with someone and you know there's no future.  What do you do?  Moving on from someone you are head over heels in love with is pretty much impossible for a long time, so you start doing the inevitable.  You over think every little thing.  You torture yourself.  You cry, you cry, and you cry some more.  You're stuck in a rut and you can't do anything at this point.

There is no right or wrong thing to do.  This love feels so amazing, yet so awful at the same time knowing it is going to end.  You can love someone so much, and unfortunately they are still not the person for you.  They are not the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with.  I know that feeling, and it sucks.

Are you willing to accept being treated wrongly because you're so in love with the person?  Are you going to risk not finding the right one, by staying with the wrong one?  Well that's what I done, I accepted being treated like an option, and thrown to the side, eventually that love ended in me being tossed to the side whilst he moved on to the next person.  She was everything I wasn't, she was gorgeous, older, and more successful.  I wished I'd left, rather than let him leave me high and dry, this kind of heartbreak cuts to the core.  Cut off and not even worth an explanation.  A text saying "I'm with her now".

Just because you love someone with every single fiber of your body, doesn't mean it can ever work out the way you want.  Every relationship or love has their problems and each individual has their own flaws, issues, problems, baggage, but if the partnership is meant to be, you will work through them.

Don't accept crap from people - demand what you deserve, no matter how deep your feelings are for the person.

If there are more negatives than positives, don't stay with them out of convenience, it literally takes away the chance of your own happiness, and their chance at being happy with someone else.  If you stay with someone, make sure it's because you both love each other equally, and because your love is strong enough to conquer all. Ensure your relationship consists of compromises on both sides and your relationship brings you happiness.

Make sure you are treated correctly.  Demand respect, and don't accept anything less.

Love is not easy, but it doesn't have to take away your happiness.

[climbingmountainsblog]

25 Things Only People Raised By Extremely Strict Parents Will Understand

Nov 21st, 2018

When I was growing up my mother was extremely over-protective as she would call it.  I was never allowed to go anywhere with my friends, or even go to the corner shop myself as a teenager.  My childhood is full of bad memories, and it consisted of no fun what-so-ever.  Here's twenty five things only others raised by extremely strict parents will understand...

1.  You were always the only person to miss out on hanging out.

2. Asking permission for a sleepover at your friend’s house took 100 hours of mental preparation, and an essay story to explain why everything would be fine.

3. Knowing whilst telling your friends you would attend social gatherings, that you wouldn't actually be there because you knew your mother would say no.

4. You would practice asking your parents for permission to do something with a friend or family member trying to perfect the scenario before actually using it.

5. You would know to wait until they were in a good mood before asking to do anything.  Bad moods were a no go.

6. You'd cry and hope it got you somewhere.

7. You would be humiliated explaining to your friends your parents said you couldn't go again.  

8. Your friends wouldn't understand why "just asking again" wouldn't work. You knew when they said no, the answer was no.

9. You were the friend who was always left out, because you were the friend that was never allowed to do anything.

10. You lied constantly to your parents and may still have episodes where you lie or change details to them in your adult life. (in my case it's just my mother now as I have no contact with my father)

11. Your first real teenage experiences started after moving out.

12. Your parents never brought up the birds and the bees, because that kind of talk would never of been discussed in your household.

13. Social conversations never happened.

14. You were never allowed to choose your own clothes.

15. You were never allowed piercings when your friends were all getting them.

16. Your love life was non existent. 

17. You changed the channel if your parents walked in on you watching something where adult scenes might take place, or even possibly kissing could happen.

18. Your mother walked you to school beyond the years of needing someone to walk you to school. You still remember the shame and embarrassment from this, to this day.

19. When you hit 17, the rebelling started to take place.

20. You never opened up to your parents about anything or told your parents stories about any of your friends in case they got a bad impression of them.

21. You developed serious depression and anxiety from never leaving the house to attend social gatherings.

22. That one time you would go to a friends house, your mother would call you 552417852 times and make sure you're OK.

23. Any memories of your childhood were sitting in your bedroom hanging with friends because that was the only place you were allowed to go.

24. You never had an alcoholic drink until you were 17.

25. Your childhood consisted of staying in your bedroom.

My mental health issues started from a very young age, and I believe my upbringing has a lot to do with my self image issues and anxiety. I hope one day I have the chance at motherhood myself to be an amazing mother and give a child an amazing upbringing in an environment they can trust and feel safe in. I would want my children to be able to come to me with anything, I'd make sure their upbringing was everything mine wasn't.