crackedribs-bleedinglips - Tumblr blog

[crackedribs-bleedinglips]

"How will I know when I'm better?"

"How will I know that I'm healed?"

I'm not sure

But one Friday, you finish your shampoo and conditioner at the same time

And it isn't a sign for anything except to go to the store

And on your birthday

You have the large slice of cake without thinking

And maybe that's what healing looked like all along

[crackedribs-bleedinglips]

Sometimes I feel more like the monster

Sitting on the ice watching ships pass

Forced to exist because of your selfishness

Your own twisted experiment

Discarded after it became ugly

I shuffle toward your city

Simply begging for love

But destroying instead

"How can you do this?"

"You made me like this"

~Who was the real monster?

[crackedribs-bleedinglips]

She's coming to town and I can't help but be jealous

I know I've been unclear

I can't even understand it myself

But I think about the moments between us

And seeing them played out with someone else

And it makes me want to die

Because I'm sure she's clearer than I am

And can give you everything I can't

And I hope to god she makes everything clearer for you

Matches you every step of the way

But I also hope you still think of me in passing

And that's all I can ask for

~I should probably talk to my therapist

[crackedribs-bleedinglips]

My therapist says this is good for me

Not in the same way my old one did

But in a "You deserve to be loved no matter what" way

In a "You don't need 'redeeming qualities' to deserve love" way

But I can't help but think you are lying to me

Or that this is a trick or a prank or that you don't know what you're saying

Because there is no way that you looked at me and thought

"Yes. She's who I want"

That's not how things work for me

My therapist thinks this is good for me

And while everything is screaming at me to disagree

I can't help but hope that she is right

-I do deserve love

[crackedribs-bleedinglips]

I'm currently living in the "could"

I "could" graduate next year

I "could" go to law school

I "could like you

...love you even

You see, I'm not sure how to go about this

Because I don't see my future in your eyes

But I could...

I'm not sure how to handle this

Someone liking me without even knowing me first

Liking me because rather than in spite of

The worst part is

I don't think we will get to see where this "could" lead us

Because I "could be" "am" leaving for 5 months

-Living in the "Could"

[crackedribs-bleedinglips]

I think that I am the happiest I have ever been

So I’m here to tell you that real friends exist

The will order wine and sit on your couch and sing along to your favourite songs

They will hold your hand as you both scream the lyrics

You will cry together over the same songs 

They will dance around your apartment a little wine drunk

You will sit between them and wonder how everything came to this

Because at one point someone said you weren't worth it

You will sway to a song that means so much more now

And part of you wants to scream “dont ever leave”

But another part of you just wants to never leave the moment

Three huddled in the kitchen

Swaying singing long live

So please don’t ever be a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere

Long live the memories we made tonight

~Brought to you by the Reputation Stadium Tour and Pinot Grigio

[crackedribs-bleedinglips]

I keep getting vague messages

About right person-wrong time

And sometimes I wonder if they are about you

Or if you’ll come back

Because I remember those 2 weeks

My head on your shoulder as we clicked within 5 minutes

And the messages months afterward

Half a world away

And sometimes I wonder if I ever cross your mind

Or if I was just a stupid girl who caught feelings for someone half a world away

I still remember when you told me about your girlfriend

And how I felt so played

And sometimes I wonder if you regret that

Or if I was just someone to dump your emotions on

And I wonder if you would answer if I were ever in the area

But I guess I will never know

~Half a World Away

[crackedribs-bleedinglips]

Sometimes I feel like I am watching a car crash

But on repeat

And I can’t tell the people in the cars what is going to happen

Because I know what I’m going to say

I know what is going to happen

But you don’t

And I don’t know how to tell you without scaring you

And you shouldn’t be scared

It’s been a long time coming

But I know you don’t know it’s coming

So I try to tell you through scheduling

Through distance and quiet

Because this can’t be said over text

So I have to stand by the road

And watch the cars crash

At least until I wake up

~Telling you what you least want to hear

[crackedribs-bleedinglips]

I saw something the other day that reminded me of you

And I was flooded with locked away memories

Your hair in the sun after a day in the pool

You smiling on the slide during your brother’s T-ball practice

The last day you talked to me

Now I’m not sorry for what happened

We were just kids

But sometimes I wonder if you see things that remind you of me

Do you pass my old house and remember all of the sleepovers?

Because every golden retriever reminds me of you

I don’t know what music you listen to

Or who your first kiss was

But I know I was your first sleepover

I remember playing in my basement on my brother’s train table

And we found each other again

But I don’t know how to talk to you

How do I talk to someone I spent nearly every day with until it abruptly ended?

A gap of 5 years in our memory

But I hope you know that I would answer if you needed anything

I hope you know I would love to grab that coffee

I hope you know that even though we aren’t friends anymore

I still love you more than anything

~Running into an old friend

[crackedribs-bleedinglips]

I want to be in love so badly

I want someone to be proud of me because of how much they love me

I want to listen to love songs and think of someone

Rather than change the channel before the lonely creeps in again

I want to feel safe in someone’s arms and not worry about the fallout

I want to feel arms around me and not want to run immediately

I want someone to know. everything about me

Every bad dream

Every goal

Every accomplishment

Every failure

Every secret

I want wear someone’s sweatshirts and not have to give them back

Sometimes I feel like these feelings will eat me whole

That the loneliness will one day take me over

That the longing will crawl up from my throat

Sometimes I feel like nobody could ever love me

Even if they love my body, they won’t love my personality

Or the other way around

I watch people fall in love

And I tell myself that it will happen to me if I am patient

But what would I know?

~Current resident: Lady Lonely

[crackedribs-bleedinglips]

I have known you for two months

And yet I have written nothing about you

I am trying to determine what that means

Because you are so nice to me

And so sweet

I don’t feel like playing a game of chess

And with you I know I never am

But I don’t know where this is going

And I would love to say that I’m along for the ride

But that would be a lie

I never leave the house without my GPS set

I don’t do detours on road trips

And so I need to know

But I don’t know how to ask you

So I’ll just sit here

Trying to figure myself out

~What is this anyway

[crackedribs-bleedinglips]

My ribs cracked open

Ready to let you in

I keep trying to pull them closed

Trying to cover up the lonely that has lived in me for so long

But they sprung open

Begging me to let you in

I know it will hurt

Im not sure which is worse

The pain of being lonely

or not being lonely

Because every step of the way

I am waiting for the other shoe to drop

To have loneliness as my roommate again

So I will keep trying to pull my ribs close

And to keep the lonely tucked away

So not even you can see

~Keeping my hands close to my chest

[crackedribs-bleedinglips]

When you fall out of love

You don’t feel it right away

There is no moment that you stop and colors look less bright

You realize that you don’t laugh as hard

Or seek out their touch

You don’t miss them in the same way

You see them in a different light where they aren’t perfect

And some of their flaws rub you the wrong way

But I guess

Lucky you

Because you got to watch it all happen in real time

~Falling out of love is harder

[crackedribs-bleedinglips]

I think you should love recklessly

Guarded hearts keep others out

I think we should love with wild abandon

I don’t just mean romantically

I mean tell your best friend that you love them

Hug your mom tightly when you get home for the weekend

Invite your brother to hang out with you

Hold hands with your best friend

Have movie nights on the weekend

Love with wild abandon

Because as soon as you stop

You will feel your heart ache and try and open up

[crackedribs-bleedinglips]

You make me laugh

And smile

And I really like how I feel around you

And for once I’m not scared

Sometimes I think that we are different

But then I remember how happy you make me and

I think that I might make you happy as well

Sometimes at least

So here is to botanical gardens

And antique stores I thought you would find boring

And to taco tuesdays for eternity (ar at least the end of the semester)

And to cold winter hugs

But I think most of all

Here is to you

[crackedribs-bleedinglips]

I don’t think that I’m special anymore

I used to be

Smartest in the room

One of the prettiest

Tallest

Youngest

Walking into the room missing my two front teeth because I was a year younger than everyone else

And then suddenly

I wasn’t something to marvel over

I was just another blonde from the upper Midwest

Mezzo-Soprano who was taller than all of the Tenors

Not heavy but also not thin

Not ugly but certainly not stunning

Just simply mediocrity

Nothing special on my resumé

Sometimes

I think I peaked in the 5th grade

My tongue had not become a sharp knife

I devoured books at a rate the library couldn’t keep up with

Now I can’t remember the last time I read a book for fun

Then everything became a competition that I quickly lost

And now I’m not even on the leaderboard

-The problem of Growing Up Gifted

[crackedribs-bleedinglips]

You remind me of someone I used to know

Someone who used to call me weekly

Who wanted me around

And I can’t tell

If that’s why I like you

I can’t tell if I like you

Or the person you remind me of

All of the good qualities of him

Everything I fell for in the beginning

But I also remember why Ieft

And I don’t want to subject myself to that again

But then again

I was never sure why I left him anyway

And we were so young anyway

And anyway

~Falling for somebody that I used to know