criticaloldme-blog

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*Spoilers Below*

This may not necessarily be healthy, but my first priority every day of my life is television. If it’s a workday: will I be home from work and the gym early enough to catch up on Monday’s Pump Rules? If it’s the weekend: which day can I dedicate solely to binge watching a teen drama on Netflix I’ve already watched to completion 3 times? 

That being said, I can’t watch anything in real time. I may work in advertising, but I hate commercials. I hate spending one whole hour watching a 43-minute show. I just can’t do it (which sucks because my dream is to get paid to live tweet every show I’ve ever watched). So I record everything, and if that fails I subscribe to Netflix, Hulu, HBO Go and Showtime Anytime. And because I’m always at least a day behind, I’m aware some things may be spoiled for me. But it shouldn’t happen anywhere NEAR as often as it does now.

I went through a phase (most of my life) where I needed spoilers to enjoy any form of entertainment. I read the epilogue of Jodi Picoult’s My Sister’s Keeper when I was only halfway through the book and proceeded to sob uncontrollably in my middle school cafeteria during study hall (if you read this book you understand what a horrible mistake this was). This was the moment I became addicted to the art of the spoiler. But as I grew up I realized the fun is in the waiting, (grew up = as of the last year, probably) and lately I’ve been struggling with how my favorite entertainment news publications handle spoilers.

 I’ve taken it upon myself to come up with a fix for being constantly disappointed by my Facebook and Twitter feeds the day after an episode of Westworld. Below is a list of rules I would like to be instated. These rules should apply to all news publications and all annoying civilians who feel the need to spoil things, either on purpose or by accident.

1.     Any major event on a television show should be left out of headlines and header images until at least one week after airing.

2.     Any articles that do have spoilers should mention this at the very start of the piece, and again before the actual spoilers begin.

3.     Do not immediately tweet “OMG X is DEAD!!!” That is honestly the most annoying thing people do in 2017. In this day and age its often more likely than not that people are watching the following day or later. Write this in your diary, not your Facebook status or Twitter. (I don’t even watch Game of Thrones anymore but this one is a shout out to the animals that instantly tweeted that Jon Snow was alive.)

4.     Try to refrain from texting me “OMG DID YOU WATCH SURVIVOR???” If I didn’t, now all I will think about is what happened? Who got medically evacuated? Did Ozzy finally get blindsided? (This week’s episode is the one exception to all of these rules. Zeke’s outing was horrible and cringe worthy, but resulted in a stunning moment for Zeke, his tribe and Probst, and presented the world with a beautiful display of acceptance and open mindedness.)                            4a.     With this in mind, still always assume others are unaware of what     happened. If we go to dinner, don’t start the conversation with “can you believe Lala didn’t show up to Ariana’s NASCAR birthday?” because maybe I didn’t know that. And now I do and now I’m going to spend our whole meal thinking about what a shady, ratchet hoe Lala is.

Now let me be the first to tell you: these rules are not feasible. I will always be disappointed in a headline or a friend or my middle school classmate who I haven’t seen in 10+ years. But I can’t help but think maybe if I put these rules out into the universe someone might see them and be SLIGHTLY less annoying about spoilers. *Spoiler Alert* Probably not. But I’ve definitely gotta try. 

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I’ve fallen down a pop punk black hole. It’s been impossible for me to write because every time my fingers touch the keys I spell out lyrics about loving my friends and dying laughing. Is this a quarter-life crisis? I think so. 

(Photo by me. The Wonder Years @ Webster Hall 10/16)

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pre-golden globe *judgements*

The Golden Globes are on Sunday and a few days ago my brain registered that I’ll be setting sail that same evening on a family vacation, with no television, no phone and minimal Wi-Fi. This presents an issue for an entertainment industry freak like me, so I’d like to take this opportunity to make some predictions and put in writing some of my hopes and dreams for Sunday night.

Let me preface this with a very important fact. While I love movies and television, I don’t love them enough to pay to see movies that I don’t want to see, just so I can talk about them. I also don’t watch TV shows that I fall asleep to while watching the pilot. So, a lot of my assumptions below have absolutely no real research or data behind them, but I don’t need to watch things to have an opinion and like I’ve said before, I have good taste, so here are my thoughts.

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It is my assumption that La La Land is going to sweep every category it’s nominated in (Best Musical/Comedy Picture, Best Actress in a Musical/Comedy Picture, Best Director, Best Actor in a Musical/Comedy Picture, Best Screenplay, Best Original Score, Best Original Song). I’m just not okay with this (except Damien Chazelle for Best Director because the man gave us Miles Teller in Whiplash and for that I am forever grateful). I love a good show tune here and there, and sure, sometimes I break out into “Goodbye Love” from Rent in the shower, but I don’t need a modern day musical in my life. Especially with Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling who both have HORRIBLE voices. I know this! I also don’t feel their chemistry at all because he’s straight fire and she’s bony and awkward. Harsh, yet true. Not feelin it. Did I see it? No. But I know I’m not feelin it.

These are the films and performances that I want to receive the recognition they deserve on Sunday night, but probably won’t because people are dumb and believe the hype of La La Land.

- Deadpool. Yes, it’s a mainstream as hell superhero movie. But I hate superhero movies and this one made me pee in my pants a little on several occasions. Ryan Reynolds LITERALLY IS Deadpool. His humor is my humor. His loss, and this film’s loss, is my loss come Sunday night. - Hailee Steinfeld. Wow, did she get less annoying since Pitch Perfect 2! Edge of Seventeen was so nostalgic even though I wasn’t a friendless loser in high school. That’s how good it was. Hailee was so genuine and authentic, especially when sending that text to her far-fetched crush. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t type freaky shit like that to crushes in high school, only I had the good fortune of NOT pressing send. She’s young and this movie lost traction a few months ago but she deserves it. So I am acknowledging that.

These are the films and performances that I want to be praised Sunday night and are lucky enough to not be up against La La Land!

- Manchester by the Sea. I’ve never seen such a deeply depressing movie and not cried before. I think that’s a wonderful testament to how Kenneth Lonergan completely caught me off guard with such a horrific tragedy, that I was too shocked by to shed a tear. It hit me when I was laying in bed that night how royally fucked up Uncle Lee’s life was and then I didn’t sleep that much. But that’s the sign of a great movie. Let’s reward it on Sunday! - Nocturnal Animals. I didn’t see it but the trailer made it look so erotic and intense and I want it to be rewarded for that alone.

These are the films and performances that I really hope lose because there were just awful, if we’re being honest.

- Jonah Hill in War Dogs. It takes a lot for me to declare a Miles Teller movie as awful but here I am. This movie was TERRIBLE. Jonah hill was annoying and laughed like Goldmember from Austin Powers. I’m extremely confused by his nomination and hope no one acknowledges it ever again. - Michelle Williams in Manchester by the Sea. I need to be clear: her performance was fantastic. But the term “supporting role” is used loosely here as I think she was on camera for a total of 7 minutes in this movie. She shouldn’t win. - Meryl Streep and all things Florence Foster Jenkins. I despise any movie in which Meryl Streep sports an extremely over-acted and obnoxious accent (ex. Julie and Julia). Give the trophy to someone else.

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Film rant over. Television is much easier for me to talk about because I watch a lot of it from the comfort of my own bed, for free. I’ll be quick in sharing my opinions.

- Westworld. Was. Epic. It honestly was. There were so many characters and storylines and unlike Game of Thrones, they all kept my attention for the entire season. Thandie Newton’s Maeve was extremely badass and sexy. Evan Rachel Wood’s Dolores was heartbreaking and strange and the chick’s got unbelievable control over her tear ducts and made giant tear droplets shoot out of her eyes. Jimmi Simpson’s William was kind and then not so kind but I still love him! I love Westworld! Give it all the awards!

- Veep. It’s as funny as television comedy gets. Julia gets better with age in so many ways. HFP: let’s give this lady recognition for that! (Though I applaud them for awarding Rachel Bloom last year. Girl is TALENTED.)

- The Americans. This KGB drama is extremely underrated and all of the performances in it are incredible. I also have strong feelings about that fact that Matthew Rhys and Keri Russell are together off-screen and it makes me feel warm on the inside.

Here are some final quips about the last year in television, or at least the shows and performances deemed great by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association.

- The Night Of. Not that good. Riz Ahmed. Great! - This is Us. This is the worst show of 2016-2017 season. So corny, so politically correct, so BAD. Make the praise and attention stop! I beg! - Transparent. YOU’RE NOT FUNNY. YOURE ACTUALLY QUITE DEPRESSING. - The People v O.J. You lost me after you made the Kardashian’s chant their names. That was a hard no. - Riley Keough. The Girlfriend Experience. I saved this note for last because it’s really important to me. I literally don’t know one person who watched this masterpiece, which breaks my heart. Although slightly (read: extremely) pornographic, this season was dark and fascinating and too much emotionally for me to have seen in one day, but I binged it anyway. Why am I so interested prostitutes? I don’t know. Despite the high volume of titties Riley shows, I think Elvis would be proud. I hope she can pull out a W here and give this show the PR it deserves. 

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Monday morning when I sign onto the Wi-Fi at sea (which takes about 30 minutes dial-up AOL style) I will read the list of winners and probably be disappointed. But I hope by writing this, the universe will send positive (or negative) vibes to those I wish them upon, and I hope Miles Teller attends the awards show looking dead sexy, and I hope I inspired someone to watch The Girlfriend Experience because I need someone to talk to about it! 

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things i’m shocked people still care about in 2016

1. American Horror Story

2. Corey Feldman

3. Matilda

4. Buzzfeed

5. Big Brother

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I have good taste.

If I say I like something, you should like that thing too. I have good taste. Actually, to be honest, I have the best taste. As you can see below in “No Thanks, Part One” I have the most opinions a 4’11” girl has ever had. You name a television show, a movie, a musical artist, a book, a food item, a clothing style, or a person and you can bet your bottom dollar I’ve formed an education opinion about it/him/her.

This is why it’s important people learn to trust my opinion. I don’t make willy nilly observations and I’m not (that) quick to judge. I put time and energy into forming my opinions. I am the first to say I don’t know about something, but if I do know, I am before the first to give you my opinion. I’ll watch at least two episodes of a show, watch at least half of a movie, listen to at least two songs by an artist, or read at least half of a book before forming a negative opinion/throwing it out the window. Positive vibes come way easier. If I like something, 9 times out of 10 I like it right away. If it’s a food item, and I don’t love it, I definitely hate it at first bite. If it’s a clothing style and I don’t like it, I’ve definitely seen at least two people looking fugly in it. And if it’s a person and I hate you, you’ve probably been annoying/bitchy/disingenuous or a social climber toward me multiple times. The point is I care about everything I put time into, and for that reason you should trust my opinion.

I love television. Sometimes the mainstream Shondaland shows like How To Get Away With Murder but sometimes random mood-ruining shows like Intervention. I like shows with substance, that are smart comedy or deep drama or at least really, really fun to watch. And when I like something I want everyone in my life to like it too. I want to talk to you about it, I want to watch it with you, and I want you to feel the joy I feel when I watch it.

For example: I AM OBSESSED with Kingdom on DirecTV’s Audience Network. Now you may be wondering what the fuck that is, and I don’t blame you. I know one, MAYBE two, people with DirecTV, but where there’s a will to see Nick Jonas play an MMA fighter on screen there’s a way. Yes, my intentions were originally shallow. But like any human being with a pulse, I love a good athletic show or movie and when its full of men who rank a 54 on a scale of 1-10 I love it very, very much. I push this show on everyone I talk to, like I push Kehlani my favorite R&B artist, and mochi my favorite froyo topping, but that’s because I HAVE GOOD TASTE and I want you all to taste my goods. (I’m not sure if this seems like sexual innuendo or not, but I wanted it to sound witty and smooth so I’m leaving it here).

All I’m trying to say is I love entertainment. Television, movies, music, literature, food, people. All forms of entertainment. And I embrace and take part in every genre of each because my mind is always open; but when my mind closes in around one particular thing and my obsessive brain keeps me up at night thinking about whether Nick Jonas and I will ever work out because he’s extremely Christian and I’m extremely not, I don’t mean to bother you. I just want to light up your life the way whatever medium I’m obsessing over has lit up mine.

So friends, please stop complaining every time I tell you to watch this new show on TNT (because Animal Kingdom is insanely good), read a Vice article (because that shit is both interesting and entertaining) or go to a new pizza place (enough said). I do it because I love you, and I love it, and I love life and I want to share every piece of mine with you. <3

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No, thanks. Part one.

There are a lot of things in this world that I hate. I am aware hate is a strong word, but its truly how I feel. There are many different reasons why I hate all kinds of things, but one reason overcomes them all: Hype. I think many things that are surrounded by hype are simply overrated. I often think they are beloved because one influential person enjoyed it, so everyone else hopped on the bandwagon. So here is a list of things I find to be completely underwhelming, despite the widespread excitement surrounding them….

Truffle: Growing up with a chef for a father, I am a self-proclaimed food snob. I have eaten really well my entire life, and pride myself on my sensitive palate. But god damn, do I think truffle smells and tastes like shit. Truffle pasta, truffle pizza, truffles shaved on chicken. Do people actually like this poison? No, I don’t think they do. I think people like the idea of a fancy, expensive mushroom being shaved or infused in their dish because its #rich and because people are stupid. My roommate puts truffle oil on almost everything she cooks, and my flex room that has NO DOOR reeks of truffle on a nightly basis. When I say I light 6 candles before bed to get the smell out of my nostrils I am not kidding. Gag. I look forward to the day the truffle trend dies. Kind of like when the donut ice cream sandwich trend died, but much less sad.

Breaking Bad: I love television. I love all entertainment, really. I read Entertainment Weekly, and Variety and the Hollywood Reporter daily. I watch a lot of television, both live and on Netflix and I appreciate almost all genres. I watch everything from Vanderpump Rules (which peaked this season) to Veep to The Americans. But one show I will never understand the hype around is Breaking Bad. I understand the anti-hero trend. I watched Dexter! I get it! But there was no redeeming quality to this show. The characters were ugly. The setting was ugly. The characters were unlikeable. The storyline was depressing. There was no hot guy, romantic story, or underdog to care for. And before you REALLY judge me, let me say I watched the first 3 seasons, and STILL hated it. I don’t know. I don’t get it. And most if you probably don’t either. Yeah science, BITCH! How about no.  

Spin Classes: Fitness is not something I feel passionate about. I workout because eating is my true passion and if I workout I maybe won’t be as fat as if I didn’t work out. I can see how people enjoy working out; it can be therapeutic or a stress reliever. Some may even find it fun (but they probably just say that to make you think they work out a lot even though they simply don’t eat). Just like in every other form of entertainment, there are trends in the workout world. Right now, we’re living through the age of cycling. Bitches LOOOOOOVE them spin classes. But why? If we’re being honest, riding a bike is the weakest form of cardio. You burn less calories on the bike than on a run or on the elliptical. You’re fucking sitting. Remember that. Also, the seat hurts your vagina terribly and will most likely prevent you from walking correctly or getting laid for at least a few days after each class. And unless you somehow have the ability to dance like Nicki Minaj while peddling on a bike or are insanely competitive to the point that no one wants to be your friend, you probably don’t ACTUALLY like spinning. So shut the fuck up about your Soul Cycle class because you still have a FUPA.

There are SO many things in this world that I truly despise so this will be a recurring post. I hope this inspires you to think about the things you say you enjoy. I encourage you to be your own person. I’ll hold your hand when you’re at a high-end restaurant and have to say NO TRUFFLES PLEASE on your mushroom pizza. I’ll be here for you when other ignorants jump down your throat for saying Breaking Bad sucks. And I’ll go on the Stairmaster next to you while the rest of your lame ass friends are spinning (but I won’t talk to you because stair stepping is a fucking hard workout and I will be too out of breath to speak). DO YOU, PEOPLE. DO YOU.

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ROOM

see it. have crippling anxiety while watching it. sob uncontrollably the entire second half of it. wonder if a movie will ever make you feel so many feels ever again. 

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WHO. SHOT. ANNALISE? Too many conspiracy theories to make just one prediction. 

I’m on the last episode of season 1 of HTGAWM

And I’m just sitting here biting my fingernails like

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Spending my Monday night finishing Masters of Sex season 3, but need to take a moment to appreciate this queeeeen. 

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One

Oh hi. Hey there. It’s me! The girl you’ve known for years but still acts like she doesn’t know you when she sees you on the street. This is my blog. I hate that word, “blog,” so this is going to be my space. Welcome to my space. Let me tell you some things about myself that you may or may not know.

1: I have always been a pretty talented shit-talker, but I’m now a 21 year old woman, a college graduate, a resident of New York City, and I’m so mental that I shit talk myself. I’ve always been proud that I can instantly think of something at least fairly negative to say about anyone, no matter how intelligent, beautiful or talented they may be. But I’ve hit my breaking point. Last week I saw my reflection in the dark window of a well-known strip club chain on my way to work (not at said strip club chain) and I actually thought what a tiny mouse that girl is. And then it dawned on me. THAT GIRL IS ME. I just made a snarky comment about myself TO MYSELF. Is this normal? No. But this is real. (This is me.)

2: Aside from my friends, family, and baby doll/daughter Nana, pop culture is the only thing I care about in life. John Hamm and Jennifer Westfeldt’s breakup? I didn’t smile for a week. Zayn left one direction? I actually shed one single tear (in a very meaningful way). Empire soundtrack available on iTunes? Bought it! I’m culturally relevant and can oddly resonate with a song about coming out to your OG rapper dad named Lucious.

3: I have the kind of eating disorder that isn’t really an eating disorder but also very much is ruining my life. 90% of my thoughts throughout the day are about food. I think about my next meal, my last meal, my meal at that great restaurant in a month from now. I even occasionally and randomly think about the awesome chicken fingers at the Bronx Zoo. If I’m not hungry but I find a bag of baked sour cream and cheddar chips you KNOW I’m going to eat them. If I’m not hungry but come across a free fried chicken buffet in a conference room at work you KNOW I’m going to load up my paper plate until the oil soaks through and the plate begins deteriorating and I have to retreat to eat at my desk. Whatever.

4: I have a fear of saying hello.

5: I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I love so many things and am full of passion for so many things but I don’t know anything about anything, really. Except every word from every scene of Bring It On.

So this is my outlet. This is where I will talk shit and ask questions (that will remain unanswered because this isn’t Formspring) and try and figure out how to get to my happiest place surrounded by the happiest people doing what makes me happy. If you’re reading this post you’re probably someone I love, so thanks for loving me and I hope writing this will somehow lead me to a place that makes us both proud.