crunchybeansprouts

[crunchybeansprouts]

bliss

[102723] it's been a long while since i've written anything on here, but i'm back! (even if only temporarily.) i've made countless lasting memories during my hiatus; i finished junior year, went home for the summer, had a kdrama-worthy four weeks, went into my senior year, and started the dreaded college apps. but all of these pale in comparison to the last item in the file folder of my life thus far.

i think i've found happiness. not the superficial, shallow type of happiness that is fleeting and faint like an october morning fog. but the type of happiness that is constant and effervescent like an open ocean buoy, never failing to resurface even after facing the ceaseless wrath of cold, clipped waves. yes, i still feel sometimes left out by and at odds with my "plastic flower sister" friends. yes, college apps are still sending me reeling from a fear of failure and threatening to push me over the edge and into the cesspools of imposter syndrome, overthinking, and insecurities. yes, my broken family's outwardly-perfect façade is still being chipped away, piece by piece. but even on the worst of days, i always let go of my negativity and grasp onto my buoy of happiness once again. if i could go back in time and tell sophomore-year bean about her senior year, she would be so, so proud. i used to think my high school experience would just be memories of homesickness and heartbreak, but in a strange, unpredictable way, it has lived up to the fairytale fantasies i've always had about these four defining years of my teens. despite our strained, distant relationship during my childhood, i've closed the gap and become the bestest, lifelong friends with my mom. although i used to see nothing but fake personas and selfishness within my peers, i've made a friend who is my alter ego and a (boy) friend who never fails to make me smile - and i love both of them so, so much. in this world of unfamiliarities and unknowns that used to desperately haunt me, i've managed to find a place to call home.

so this is it, isn't it? bliss. a blanket of comforting warmth like scattered rays of spring sunshine; the homey, cozy smell of freshly-baked bread wafting out of the warm kitchen; everything i've been reaching after, running towards, wanting for myself. to the people that have been there since day one, thank you.

[crunchybeansprouts]

💝☆ put this star into the inbox of your favourite blogs. it’s time to spread positivity!! ☆💝 ପ(๑•ᴗ•๑)ଓ ♡ 🐝💕

[hi bean! i love reading your daily entries sm. they are so insightful!! when i found your blog, i kinda binge read all your posts ahahah. so yeah, i think your writing is really cool :D]

hi kai!! this is so so sweet and i really appreciate it <3 i planned to write for just myself, but it's the best feeling that there's other people who can relate through shared experiences. hope you're doing well btw!

[crunchybeansprouts]

💝☆ put this star into the inbox of your favourite blogs. it’s time to spread positivity!! ☆💝 ପ(๑•ᴗ•๑)ଓ ♡ 🐝💕

hi! came back to tumblr and this was the cutest surprise :)

[crunchybeansprouts]

your twenties are Not about saving money or networking. your twenties are about rinsing your heart in rice water. wearing big jackets. smelling night blooming jasmines. giving up on being sexy and embracing flaw and rot and thus inadvertently becoming sexy. planting cabbages and cauliflowers inside your internal landscape and making a garden in you instead of letting your internal landscape be a stormy sea tossing you around. cartwheeling in spirit if not person when you make a friend. and letting your eyebrows live a little.

[crunchybeansprouts]

this hits so hard. as someone who comes from a family (at least mom's side) where we all tend to be too generous, this has been burned into my memories forever. but what's truly upsetting is the truth in this statement. so many people in this world play "the game", and these players will do anything to get ahead. maybe the toxic, filtered environment i'm in has made me cynical and calloused. or maybe life was never as beautiful as it seemed. since i've started seeing society's darker secrets, i've realized that there's no choice but to drop the snow white personality with unfamiliar friends because letting them walk all over you is never worth it.

如果太善良会被人利用的

我长大后不想成为相信那句话的人

因为那不是太可悲了吗

[crunchybeansprouts]

drowning

[041223] it's midterm week for me, and despite the extra time i have on my hands, i've managed to be more unproductive than ever. midterms for ap classes aren't graded (thank god), but i feel a crippling sense of guilt if i don't at least try to do well. otherwise, it would be a waste of 3+ hours sitting in a hard, wooden chair and trying to get through pages and pages of questions without dozing off. the world around me is endlessly speeding up, as if in free-fall (acceleration = 9.8 m/s^2), but i just can't seem to get myself out of slo-mo.

[crunchybeansprouts]

comfort zones

[041023] i like my comfort zone. it's safe, warm, and homey - everything i would ever need. when i was younger, i never chose to leave the protection of my comfort zone. i hated starting conversations with my elementary friends, and i'd never volunteer to ask the waiter for an extra fork. as i grew older and my frequent cross-country moves forced me to adapt to new environments, i realized how limiting comfort zones are, despite its reassuring presence. some of the best people i've met and things i've done only happened because i took a risk, held my breath, and leaped out into the unknown. even the little things that more extroverted people would find easy. from befriending my neighbor (after five minutes spent hesitating in front of her door) to joining a youth orchestra in an unfamiliar country (even though i was paranoid of not getting in), i'm so thankful for all the risky leaps i've taken.

[crunchybeansprouts]

sharing recipes, recollections, and life reflections - my favorite type of rambles <3

bean's favorite cookie recipe

[040823] whenever i make chocolate chip cookies, i usually choose semisweet chocolate or use a blend of milk and dark chocolate because i crave that rich, creamy, and bittersweet flavor. call me a pessimist, but i've always appreciated the bittersweet things in life. from dark chocolate cookies to finishing an emotional rollercoaster of a novel, the memories that have stuck with me the longest have been the ones that had some bitter paired with some sweet. the sources of my intrinsic motivation are all rooted in bittersweet successes or failures. perfect days are quickly forgotten in my mental camera roll, but days like dainty, chipped plates are the ones i think i'll carry around forever. the beauty in imperfection is what brings me the ecstasy, desire, and longing to keep persevering against all odds. for me, the bittersweet things in life are like mothers - sharply critical and warmly reassuring all in one.

[crunchybeansprouts]

bean's favorite cookie recipe

[040823] whenever i make chocolate chip cookies, i usually choose semisweet chocolate or use a blend of milk and dark chocolate because i crave that rich, creamy, and bittersweet flavor. call me a pessimist, but i've always appreciated the bittersweet things in life. from dark chocolate cookies to finishing an emotional rollercoaster of a novel, the memories that have stuck with me the longest have been the ones that had some bitter paired with some sweet. the sources of my intrinsic motivation are all rooted in bittersweet successes or failures. perfect days are quickly forgotten in my mental camera roll, but days like dainty, chipped plates are the ones i think i'll carry around forever. the beauty in imperfection is what brings me the ecstasy, desire, and longing to keep persevering against all odds. for me, the bittersweet things in life are like mothers - sharply critical and warmly reassuring all in one.

[crunchybeansprouts]

the happiest place on earth

[040723] i'm currently in a toxic relationship...with instagram. every emotional breakdown it causes leaves me wanting to delete it forever, but i'm almost aways back to mindlessly scrolling the explore page the next day. instagram posts and stories are a romanticized, incomplete version of a person's life. but it's so easy to forget the rose-tinted glasses i'm looking through and immediately compare my messy, stressful life with the perfect ones my friends chose to display on social media. i've always struggled with jealousy and comparison, which was only heightened after i had to leave everything i called home behind and start over - all while watching my old friends flourish and thinking, wishing, how that would've been my life too. despite feeling like a sorry excuse for a friend and an immature, inconsiderate person, i couldn't help the twinge of envy that struck me every time i scrolled past another achievement story or friend group post. i wanted so, so badly to feel nothing but happiness and pride for everyone else, but sometimes all i could do was put on a mask while commenting with all caps and emojis and extra exclamation marks. i ended up deleting instagram for a couple of months after it got to be too much, until i gave in and reinstalled the app. i still need to work on instagram and i, but i think i'm getting there. i still feel bitter at times, but i understand that my feelings are valid (and that it's never my friend's fault). maybe i'll never have a perfect relationship with social media, but now i know that chasing the unrealistic idea of perfection isn't worth it.

[crunchybeansprouts]

music and me

[040623] my childhood was the quintessential asian parent experience. i tried numerous sports and instruments during my parents' extensive search for an extracurricular activity. piano (which i quit when i moved across the states), swim (which i hated because it was too tiring), ballet (which i got bored of because i wanted to be en pointe like those pretty ballerinas), ice skating (which i dropped out of after not passing the level test with two-foot turns), tennis (which i quit after another move across countries) - just to name a few. the only extracurricular that stuck with me was, unsurprisingly, one that i chose by myself. i've been playing flute for nearly six years now, and i love every bit of it. minus the days where i'm unmotivated and have to force myself to practice, of course. to me, music translates notes and articulations to raw, genuine emotions, much like the way food does. these emotions aren't stagnant either; they fluctuate along with the phrases of the melody according to the musician and listener's interpretation. the way that the same piece can evoke entirely different emotions in people - and myself - is the beauty of music, and that's why i love it. music allows me to process my feelings and pursue creative expression. when i play, the world around me melts away, and i'm left suspended in the sentiments of song.

[crunchybeansprouts]

papyrus (if you put your ‘on repeat’ playlist on shuffle, what’s the first song that comes up? what do you like about it / associate it with? ) for the ask game :D

just shuffled and i got "my type" by brb! tbh i haven't listened to this song in a while, but spotify thinks it's on repeat i guess 😭

anyways i love the chorus of this song; it's so laidback and catchy. pretty good not-too-distracting song to listen to while doing homework!

[crunchybeansprouts]

thoughts from a stressed junior

[040523] nothing too profound today, just some thoughts from a stressed junior. today's one of those days where it feels like everything is moving too fast. one of those days where you take a breath and all the looming deadlines and exams and assignments become entangled together, knocking you over. i opened up my calendar, just to realize that midterms are next week, followed by a chemistry competition (that i'm nowhere near done studying for), and the impending doom of ap tests the week after that. in times of stress and panic, i usually procrastinate as a temporary solution to make myself feel better, but i promise i'll try to get things done with the rest of the time i have today. tldr; i can't wait for all this to be over.

[crunchybeansprouts]

getting personal

[040423] i hate to admit it, but i have a horrible habit of running away from things that i don't want to deal with. when my parents argue, i turn up my spotify volume until the music pounds in my ears, finish my calculus homework with an unmatched level of focus, and hold my breath for the shrill sound of their sharp tongues. maybe it's a good coping method, but deep down, i think i'm just trying to escape the reality of my broken family. i always like to end my rambles on a high note, but i don't think i've gotten there yet for this one - and that's okay. i'll keep working on it, and someday, i'll have the courage and strength to face what lies ahead of me knowing everything will work out.

[crunchybeansprouts]

hi there bean, I’d like to check, just in case, if you’re alright with reblogs

of course! thanks for stopping by <3

[crunchybeansprouts]

slow mornings

[040323] maybe it's a cultural thing, but my parents had a chronic sense of urgency when i was younger. especially my mom, who would get annoyed when i spent too long getting dressed or sat on the couch, procrastinating, for half an hour before getting things done. people say that whatever you want your child to become, make sure you do the opposite during their childhood - and i think that does have some merit, despite it sounding silly. even though it seems like a waste of time, i revel in slow, weekend mornings. mornings where i actually hear my alarm (instead of being tired enough to sleep through it) but still get up early. mornings shrouded in serenity, where my soft footsteps are the only sounds echoing off the walls. mornings where i can make a cute breakfast, take as many photos as i want, and enjoy it. savor it. life is so limited; it's not worth the constant rushing and anxiety over every little mistake. busy, stressful days might need the quick pace, but the others don't. every day may only have 1440 minutes, but the way each minute is spent is in our hands. and for me, i love slowing down, feeling complete emotions, and fleshing out all there is to love in every minute.

[crunchybeansprouts]

procrastination, that one toxic friend

[040223] procrastination is an exhausting cycle of waiting until the last minute, cramming everything all at once, and doing the same thing the next time. add perfectionism and a fear of failure into the mix, and it's a total disaster. i would love to say that i'm organized and on top of things, but the reality is that there's tasks that should've been done, or at least started, weeks ago. sometimes my brain is a jumbled, chaotic mess and i feel the need to plan everything out (even the unnecessary bits) and sort my priorities before starting anything, which effectively just wastes more time. sometimes i feel the urge to check all of my social media accounts for anything interesting, and end up falling into an hour-long scrolling session. in times like these, i try to take a deep breath and just start doing work, but it's so hard to get back on track when you're already miles away from the rails. i feel like i'm impossibly behind; the waves have already crashed over my head and pulled me under. but for now, all i can do is try not to waste time stressing myself out. it's hard, and i can't even promise myself i'll succeed, but i'm gonna swim my way up to the surface, one stroke at a time.