deaddboywalking - Tumblr blog

deaddboywalking · 11 months

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Hey, it's Rem. I haven't posted in awhile, so I'm gonna post my DPS fanfic (that's also on AO3 gimme those Kudos)

TRIGGER WARNING!!!

This is Dead Poet's Society, Neil doesn't die in this one (spoilers srry) BUT THAT SCENE STILL TAKES PLACE!! When I say hurt/comfort and su*c*de attempt I MEAN IT!!

This fic is 1357 words long, so it's a short read. This is also an Anderperry fic. And, one last time, WARNING, it's dark.

If you're still here, it means you're ready to READ THIS FIC ALREADY (I'm srry, housekeeping is important </3) So, with out further ado,

Confessions by DeaddBoyWalking

When I was four years old, I watched a man kill himself on live television. It was some politician, someone important. I'm not important. I'm just some kid. Some 17-year-old kid whose dreams have just been stolen from out under his feet. I'm a nobody with nothing to live for. And now it's my turn.

It's quiet as I creep down the stairs to my father's study, the crown of flowers I wore as Puck clutched in my hands. I cringe as one of the floorboards creaks under my feet, but I continue on.

Just a few more steps. I promise myself. Just a few more steps and this will all be over. I feel tears welling in my eyes as I open the door to my father's office. Is this selfish of me? I sigh and shake off the lingering doubt. Now wasn't the time for second guessing. I continue on, into the office and to the desk.

What would Todd think?

The thought catches me by surprise. What would he think? Scowling, I try to push the thought aside as I open the top drawer of the desk. I reach to the back of the drawer, feeling around until I feel the cool silver under my fingertips. Clasping the key close to my chest, I take in a shaky breath.

It's now or never.

My hand trembling, I stick the key into the keyhole in the bottom drawer. I give it a twist and pull the drawer out. Inside, wrapped in a handkerchief, is my father's revolver. Realisation hits me like a freight train.

I'm really doing this. I'm about to fucking kill myself... What will Todd think.

"Fuck," I mumble, picking myself up off the floor. Now isn't the time to think about Todd. I set the gun on the desk and as I sit in my father's chair, I rub my eyes, trying to remove Todd from my thoughts.

There has to be a reason for this. A reason that my own brain is torturing me further with the thought of him.

I stare at the gun.

Why does he do this to me? Why must my every waking moment be filled with thoughts of him, even when I'm about to take my own life?

My hand twitches.

Why do I have to care about him? He's just a boy. Just my roommate. Just... Just my closest friend.

I feel my thoughts race. I reach for the gun and pick it up.

Why... Why does any of this matter?

I put the gun to my head. I breathe in, tears flowing freely.

Because I love him.

I go to pull the trigger, squeezing my eyes tightly shut.

Goodbye.

Before I can squeeze the trigger, a sudden noise in the silence startles me.

Knock Knock Knock

Frightened, I drop the gun, my whole body quivering. The noise sounds again.

Knock Knock Knock

Someone's at the front door. I quickly pick up the gun and wrap it in its handkerchief, shoving it back into the drawer I got it from. My breathing is shaky and desperate. I'm terrified.

I stand slowly from the chair, creeping my way towards the door to the hallway. The knocking seems to have stopped. I linger in the doorway for a moment, before continuing slowly, quietly down the hallway. The knocking sounds a final time, more frantic than the others.

KnockKnockKnockKnockKnock

I undo the bolt and latch, opening the door slightly to peek through. There's a figure there, shivering in the falling snow. I open the door further to get a better look. Todd.

"Neil..?" His voice is quiet and gentle, "Neil is that you?" Still shaking, I pull the door open more. I'm in nothing but pyjama pants and the cold bites at my chest and arms.

"Todd," I begin, staring down at him, "What are you doing here?" The other boy only wrings his hands before responding.

"I-I followed you. I was worried, Neil. I was worried about you." He's shivering just as bad as I am, so I usher him in quickly.

"My parents will have you thrown out of Welton if they find you," I say, watching as he takes off his coat and shoes. He looks up at me, snow clinging to his hair and eyelashes. I think back to what I was thinking just a few moments earlier.

Because I love him.

"I know," He says, "But I don't care." His piercing blue eyes gaze up at me as we stand there. He cocks his head, "Neil, why are you still wearing the crown?"

I'd forgotten I was wearing it. I reach up and take it off of my head.

"It's nothing," I reply plainly, shifting the costume piece between my hands. He gives me a skeptical look.

"You're a bad liar, Neil," His voice is gentle as he reaches out to me. I flinch away, startling him, "What's wrong?" I must look shaken because his eyes are filled with worry.

"Neil, I'm sorry- Please tell me what's wrong," I sigh and slowly shake my head.

"I'll tell you," I promise, "Can we please just go up to my room first? If my parents know you're here and you get expelled..." I trail off, but he seems to understand.

"Okay, we can do that," He says softly. He reaches out again, and this time I let him. His hand cups my face as I sigh quietly.

"I'm sorry, Todd," I whisper, leaning into the touch.

"There's nothing to be sorry for," He replies, wiping a tear from my eye. This only makes the tears flow more.

"But there is, Todd," I say, placing my hand over his, "I promise I'll explain in a moment, all right?" He nods, seemingly unbothered by my touch. We stand like that for a moment, silent, gazing at each other. I turn away first, dropping my hand and pulling back from him.

I silently lead the way up the stairs to my room. Todd follows close behind, carrying his coat and shoes. As we pass my father's office, he eyes it curiously. I shake my head, motioning for him to follow. He continues eyeing the door, but follows. When we reach my room, I usher him inside, quietly closing the door behind us.

"Sit anywhere you want," I whisper, sitting on the edge of the bed. He sits down next to me, so close our shoulders brush. My face flushes at the touch, which I hope he can't see in the dim light.

"Neil," He begins, "What's wrong? I know something is, with the way you and your father left." I anxiously fidget with the flower crown before setting it aside. Breathe, Neil.

"My father is enrolling me in military school," I say matter-of-factly, "He will never let me be an actor." I close my eyes and turn away from Todd, "I'm sorry."

Todd sighs, "Neil... Neil there's nothing to be apologising for," He promises me. I frown and shake my head.

"Todd, you don't understand," I say, "I'd rather be dead than go to military school. Than to never be an actor." To never have you. I shake my head in frustration, balling my fists. Tears well in my eyes and I sniffle softly.

"Oh, Neil..." His face is filled with a mixture of horror and pain, "Neil, is that what you were doing when I got here?" I nod grimly. Todd's eyes seem full of dread as he clasps my hand in his.

"Neil, I'm so sorry," He says, "I-I can't stop your father, but..." He lets out a frustrated sigh, squeezing my hand tightly, "But I don't think I could bear to lose you." I blink. He'd caught me off guard with that. I shift slightly closer to him, rubbing the tears from my eyes.

"I don't think I could, either," I reply. I knew I couldn't. I couldn't live without him, I loved him too much. He squeezes my hand reassuringly and rests his head on my shoulder. I breathe in.

"Todd," I begin.

"Yes?"

"I love you."

Silence. Then...

"I love you too, Neil."

END FIC

Wowzers, that was rough. Either way, if you enjoyed it, notes are very much appreciated!! And if you ever feel so inclined, check out my AO3 (same username) I'm currently rewriting the first chapter of my original work House of Wolves (yes, the MCR song) and should be getting that posted soon!!

But yep, that's it! Have a fantastic day/night (it's 2am here) and be kind to yourself and others! Peace!

-♣️

(ps I'm including the song that was my fav to listen to while I worked on this fic)

#anderperry #dead poets society #dps fandom #dps fanfiction #todd anderson #neil perry #todd and neil #fanfic #Spotify

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deaddboywalking · 2 years

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What Native people say about the use of sage: you can use sage, but you cannot smudge as nothing you are doing (waving sage around) is actually smudging. Smudging is a ceremony and you are, we promise, not smudging. Please buy sage from either us, or someone who sources the sage from us. White sage may not be considered endangered by the US government but corperate sourcing is making it difficult for us to source sage for our own religious purposes. Let alone to sell it.

What white people hear: never use sage ever, don’t ever buy it, don’t own it, don’t even look at it.

Look, y’all. There’s a couple of facets to my talk today.

1) Yes! You can buy sage! You really, truly can! Buy it from either native sellers (go to a powwow! Eat our food, buy our stuff, watch some dancing!) Or buy it from a seller who sources the sage from native people. Pick one. And no, buying it from 5 Below doesn’t count.

2) you CANNOT smudge. This isn’t just you “shouldn’t”— this is a YOU ARE INCAPABLE OF SMUDGING. Waving a sage stick around your doorways IS NOT SMUDGING. It is smoke clensing. Smudging, depending on the tradition and tribe, could easily have dancing and drums involved. You, as a white person, do not have the cultural BACKGROUND to even know how it works. At all. Period.

3) please, for FUCKS SAKE, stop making posts here on tumblr where you tell other white people about cultural appropriation and what they can and cannot do. Please stop, your license has been revoked because none of you bother to get the facts right. We native people are FULLY CAPABLE OF DOING IT OURSELVES. Consider instead: a) reblogging our posts where we talk about it! We’re here! We have made posts!! b) Making a post that states what we said and then LINKS BACK TO US. Screenshot with a link if you must. Stop centering your own voices in these conversations. You are already centered in everything, stop centering yourselves in a native space.

I’m tired of this nonsense, y’all.

Thanks for coming to my TedTalk ™

——

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