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[deceivers-and-guardians]

Day 187

So obviously I’ve missed a full two weeks of blogging due to holiday.

Right now I don’t really feel like blogging though. I really don’t. But I want to post a blog for everyday I missed. I want to do one a day. I’m not sure how I’ll manage it but I’ve got a small plan.

I think.

I just don’t feel like doing it tonight. I’m just not in the mood.

[deceivers-and-guardians]

Day 186

So this is going to be my last blog for a short while.

I’m off on holiday tomorrow and as there is no signal in the middle of the ocean, I can’t really upload blogs. I’ll write something everyday though and post it all when I get back. At least that’s the plan.

Who knows if it’ll work out that way.

I miss him already. I don’t know what I’m going to do.

I received some terrible news this evening. I never want to see her again. Ever. I have never been so sad or angry about anything. I don’t want to include her but I know I’ll probably have to because everyone else doesn’t know how much I can’t stand her. It hurts so much.

I don’t know what to do about it honestly.

I’ll survive somehow. I always do.

[deceivers-and-guardians]

Day 185

I completed a Level 2 food hygiene course today. Had two mini tests and I must say that it was easier than I though it was going to be. I apparently have quiet good crammin ability. I guarantee I won’t remember any of it tomorrow. Oh well. I can just do all the memorising the day before I start right?

Right now I fell a bit ill which isn’t fun. It’s literally like I have a hand around my stomach and it’s quite uncomfortable but I’ll be alright. I’m just pathetically weak. It’s most definitely nothing.

Packing for the holiday commences tomorrow. How exciting!

[deceivers-and-guardians]

Day 184

Wednesday’s blog...

Yea that’s a thing.

It is only coming into existence now.

He came over. We watched the rest of The Autopsy of Jane Doe and quiet frankly screw ghost witches. How do you kill them? Nobody knows.

I certainly don’t. I’m just glad I could use him as a protective shield from the scary film. Otherwise I would have stolen the salt and lined my windows and doors. Probably attempted to make a salt circle too.

[deceivers-and-guardians]

Day 183

I’m rather tired. I’m so glad I get to lie in tomorrow. Hopefully I get lots of sleep.

I wanted I write a blog for my youth theatre but nothing was flowing. It’s fine though. There’s not point in sending something you’re not proud of.

Right now I jaut want to sleep. My eyes are very heavy and so is my head. I’m very tired. Sleep is perfect.

[deceivers-and-guardians]

Day 182

Today we had a picnic. It was amazing. I had so much fun. Listening to music, eating food, cuddling in the sun.

I love spending time with him. Ever second with him is golden.

He makes me so happy. I just want the day to come when we live together. He makes life easier, makes the anxieties, troubles, stresses and worries leave me.

I’ve started planning my future now and I’m not sure I’m enjoying it. Well I know I’m not enjoying it.

I don’t want to grow up. I’m not ready to start being an adult. How on Earth are you meant to decide what you want to do win your life at 18? I’m just saying:

You. Can’t.

[deceivers-and-guardians]

Day 181

I can’t imagine what I’d do without him. Life would be a much greater challenge.

Waking up beside him is such a wonderful thing. I can’t wait for that to be the everyday.

And in this future, we’ll have a bed by enough for two.

[deceivers-and-guardians]

Day 180

I didn’t blog last night because I had my prom.

Prom was amazing. He made it amazing and there were some rocky moments but overall my prom experience was brilliant.

The food was good, I had two puddings because I am greedy and my friends don’t eat a lot.

Going to the Wetherspoons afterwards was amazing for me though. I really enjoyed it. I liked the drinks and I got to just snuggle next to him for a while. It was nice.

He stayed at mine too which meant I was with him all night. I loved it. I always do.

He made it special.

[deceivers-and-guardians]

Day 179

I didn’t write this post on Friday. I was so tired after travelling home. It was a very good day.

I saw the Millenium Bridge and the Tate Modern. The sunshine made the day very positive overall.

The journey home wasn’t stressful and it was nice to get home.

Another great thing about Friday was he came to visit. I made him tea like I was pretending to be an adult and it was nice. I missed him so much.

I also went to ny youth theatre as well. Super busy day I know.

I’m just so happy that I’ve been gifted with the opportunities I’ve recieved. It makes me so smiley.

I’m a smiley person.

[deceivers-and-guardians]

Day 178

I performed at the National today. That was exciting.

It was such a crazy experience. The whole couple of days has been phenomenal.

I’m so proud of every single person in the cast. I couldn’t have asked for a better group of people to perform with. I am the luckiest person. There’s no other way to put it.

I wish I could live today over and over again in my head. I want to just let everything that’s happened just buzz around me and form a protective happy shell.

Actually that’s what I’m going to do. I’m so happy. And for once I feel truly proud of myself. It’s a weird feeling but I think I deserve it. I think I deserve this moment to think that I have done a good job.

I just want to thank everyone. They’re amazing, brilliant, supportive people; the best friends I could ask for.

I’m a little home sick (definitely missing him a lot). I’m looking forward to be home. No more stresses now.

I’m happy.

[deceivers-and-guardians]

Day 177

So I lost the blog I wrote today. Which is a little annoying because I liked what I wrote.

But I’m in London. It’s crazy really. London’s huge and busy and not really the place for me honestly but I’m happy.

I watched two of the National Connections performances this evening: Want and The Sweetness of a Sting. They were very good and I enjoyed hem both. The shows were funny and the actors honestly amazing.

Right now though I’m in a room all to myself. I’m tired and I’m lonely.

I’ve never really been in a room on my own before. It’s weird. Too quiet. I’m not a fan.

I’m nervous for tomorrow. It’s going to be fun and exciting but it’s such a big thing. I’m not sure how I’m going to cope.

But I will do. I’ve got people who are supporting me and a cast of brilliant people who will help. I’m so proud of them. They are brilliant and I couldn’t have asked for a better group of people to share this experience with.

[deceivers-and-guardians]

Day 176

Here are some quotes from a book called The Strange and Beautiful Sorrows of Ava Lavender (yes, it’s a long title):

“Love makes us such fools”

“Just because love don’t look the way you think it should, don’t mean you don’t have it.”

“Children betray their parents by becoming their own people.”

“And that might be the root of the problem: we’re all afraid of each other, wings or no wings.”

“Love, as most know, follows its own timeline. Disregarding our intentions or well rehearsed plans.”

And....

“Years later the lights of the growing city would erase the stars from the sky, but back then they shone through the branches light jaded fireflies.”

I want to reread this book. I enjoyed it. It made me cry if I recall correctly. Actually everything makes me cry so yes. Yes it made me cry.

[deceivers-and-guardians]

Day 175

It’s been warm today. Unbearably so. I mean I’d attempt to sleep but it’s so stuffy that I can’t.

It’s all over now. Exams are done. I can do other things now. Not sure what I should do now but oh well. I’ll find some way to waste all my time. I always do.

I don’t want to write anything more. I’m not in the right mood for it.

[deceivers-and-guardians]

Day 174

I don’t know what to write today. I want to write something pretty, something with metaphors and personification. Something that flows and twirls in a catastrophe of words. But them words aren’t flowing.

So I’m left with this. And I guess this is a run down of today. But I don’t want to write a run down of today. I guess my head is just a bit frazzled. It might get better after the exam in the morning. Or it could get worse. Who knows.

It’ll end somehow.

Everything always ends.

And that’s sad. Because there are things that just shouldn’t end. Like... like... I dunno.

I guess my never ending thing would be him. My love for him is never ending. Unbound by the world, time and everything else that tries to tie me down.

[deceivers-and-guardians]

Day 173

So today. Today was good. I woke up and he was there. In person. It was so nice. It’s hard sleeping in a single bed with two people but I loved it. He was so close that I could just roll over and kiss him. Well there wasn’t really much rolling it was more an awkward wobble.

I apologise for moving so much in my sleep because I know it made it hard for him to sleep. I just don’t sleep easily.

Then today also held the last rehearsal before we travel to London. The London. I’m performing in London. I’m excited. But it all feels a bit overwhelming at the moment.

I kind of just want a moment to relax but there’s no time for that at the moment. Or ever.

I need to find days that I can actually unstress (destress?) in the future. It will really help my mental state. Probably. Hopefully.

[deceivers-and-guardians]

Day 172

Yesterday I went out drinking which is why this post didn’t go up last night.

I enjoyed going out. I got to wear a pretty outfit and he was there and it was fun. I also had some chocolate brownies and it was very tasty. I needed something like that.

It was very loud but he was always right there. Next time though, I want to be able to sit next to him all the time. I want less hassle when I need to stand up and then not feel bad for asking people to move again.

Before all this though I had an exam. It went really well. I enjoyed it. I like maths a lot. Particularly when it’s a little bit challenging but I can do it.

So yeah. Yesterday was busy. But only one exam to go now.

[deceivers-and-guardians]

Day 171

I am prepared for the exam tomorrow. At least half of it. It’s not even half to be honest. It’s all apart from 18 marks extra or something stupid.

I know the content. I’m thorough in my workings and I’m good at maths. So I’m gonna be fine.

It’s just the comprehensions stressing me out a little. I’m not a fan of it. I was alright with the first couple I did but I just can’t seem to get my head around it now, a day before the exam.

But it’ll go how it goes.

It’ll either be great or rubbish. I’ll do well or I won’t. There’s nothing I can do about it now.

So only two more exams to go. I am going to survive this.