definitemoniker

[definitemoniker]

I just heard today about Alexander Hamilton's argument for the fundamental selfishness of humans as a means to establish the greater institutional powers the Federalist Papers proposed to change the Confederacy to the United States. When I was in high school, I was like, "Yeah. People be like that, I guess." Now that I'm pursuing my degree in psychology, minoring in political science, I'm just thinking...holy shit, that's great coming from a privileged land- and slave-owning white man riding the collective high of his new country being established over higher taxes following a war, then starting a new one. Selfishness describes the Founding Fathers more accurately than the people they governed. Education was kept out of the hands of the underprivileged, who were expected to be an obedient underclass of workers from its inception.

Selfishness is born from survival instincts. Selflessness is born from an understanding you reach about your relation to the world around you and other people when you are effectively educated and socialized.

Americans have been told they were shit from the very beginning by shitty politicians, and we continue to find ways to assert that we are not. That our voices must be heard. That our underserved and desperate are kept so by the minority rule of a rich and powerful elite that thrives on the belief that we are fundamentally incapable of governing ourselves.

Fuck that. We deserve better.

[definitemoniker]

Alright, so I'm DMing a D&D 5e campaign set in Rime of the Frostmaiden following three PCs.

One is an elven swords bard being hunted by her uncle, who is being manipulated by an elder god from previous editions named Moander to whom he has pacted himself as a warlock and requires her to complete the ritual to appease his patron into granting him the power to take over the elven royalty to whom he is only a half-blooded human.

The other is a dragonborn champion who was a pirate captain before he abandoned his crew on winged boots he stole from an undercover vessel of the Pirate King. Now, he is pursued by his former quartermaster and first mate who struck a deal with the Pirate King to get him back alive for execution in exchange for the lives of the crew and the status of a pirate lord for whoever brings him in.

The last is a human enchanter from Waterdeep who worked as an investigative journalist until he uncovered the schemes of a diabolist noble that allow him the skills to notice an even greater plot in the Frozen North.

[definitemoniker]

To have vision and drive is to see the future laid before you and bring it into the present

Seize your destiny, young wizard, oh wayward diviner, spinner of your thread of fate.

Your thread alone. Well-spun it may be, it cannot withstand significant force without others to reinforce it, without doubling back countless times to form a knotwork suitable for the occasion.

We are limited by countless laws both natural and artificial.

If meaning lies chiefly in its pursuit, not its obtainment, then what is the point of meaning? We cannot feel the value of something without first learning its struggle and vice-versa. We stretch. We wind. Binding ourselves to the breaking point to achieve...something. Perhaps many somethings. But we fray. Others spin alongside until one eventually replaces our own.

If this thread is the summation of our existence, could we consider it our truest form? Are these lives we lead with their countless turning, almost indistinguishable with so many parallel strings and familiar twists, the constant project that is our existence: is it all we are in the end?

I think this tapestry is not us. We are its spinners. We are the workers who toil to create these works. Not because it's perfect. Not because our desire to make the best thing possible is achievable. But because we desire to create something, as ugly as it is sometimes. It is all worthwhile.

Creation itself is the most beautiful thing one can do. We are born one day not to die another but to live. To create meaning. To make something. Perhaps many somethings. You have plenty of fiber left to make something, and whatever you make, however you think of it, however others do, the fact that you made it is worthy of celebration. Enjoy the process.

[definitemoniker]

The lilies are blooming wonderfully this summer. We already have enough for the whole festival! That’s almost unheard of in our village. I wonder why Golteb blessed us with so many. Were we so good these past seasons that he provided such an auspicious omen to thank us? I hope so. I am in need of a good omen. I have a little something I’ve been working on since the last Padfest. It’s for my little sister. She wants to be the greatest leaper in the whole village! Such a dreamer, she is. Her dreams will have good company with my gift, if I can get it just right for her fifth birthday. She is not confined to the waters anymore. It has been moons since her first steps on land! We’re all so excited for her. My father says she’d win the race by flopping to the finish if she had to. She is truly determined. The festivities are not open to tadpoles, sadly, so we’re hoping her tail and gills recede in time. As close as it’s getting, she’ll be right on the cusp of her legs growing in fully. My gift will no doubt fill her with the strength of ten tadpoles! Wait, is that a lot compared to froglets? Some of the neighborhood children have been teasing her lately. She gets so frustrated, but with only fins and tail, all she can do is splash at them. Can’t even vocalize yet. She’s so smart though, you should see her. She understands every word we say. It’s uncanny how well she uses body language to convey what she wants to say. Well, that’s enough of me gushing, look at the time! I’ve got to get hopping!

[definitemoniker]

i was just talking about this after being wrecked by the discovery that the little elf-goblin fellows my parents/family used to tell me warnings and stories about as a little kid are regionally specific, and that you can trace people's geographic origins by what word they use for "little spirit-fellows who live in your house". no matter what you call them (domovoi, kobolde, brownies, so on); for purposes of this post henceforth "little guys"

i think one of the things that i find frustrating about like, idk, modern animist revivalist movements is that very few of them ime spend a lot of time romanticising and spiritualizing human habitation. obviously, we as a culture need to think more about protecting and defending nature/the earth/so on, but like.

if you don't have room in your heart for making up a little guy who lives in the water heater, or who squats under your stove and makes it run 15 degrees off the programmed temperature, and thinking of him with the same kind of respect/affection as you do for the spirits (or whatever) of the wildlife you interact with like.

genuinely: what are you even doing. you are removing a source of richness and fun and whimsy from your life! like, pip @creekfiend made up the concept of "little guys who live in an airport (and are the reason it's so shitty to be in an airport)" and i already like airports like 30% more just knowing it's the little airport inconvenience guys doing that.

more importantly, like. genuinely: interrogate what parts of the world seem ~rich with spiritual meaning~ to you. what parts of the world are "wild"? what does that make the rest of the world - a chore? a burden? who has to carry that burden?

we're never going to like, "return to nature", because that's nothing and the concept of untouched nature is also nothing; we're always going to have some sort of human habitation and interaction and cultivation with nature. if you can't extend grace and whimsy and genuine and sincere meaning to human habitation, including its inconveniences and annoyances, you are making your own lived experience duller!

notably, most of these kinds of little-guy-spirits historically exist in the parts of human habitation that are partially abandoned, partially removed: haylofts, inside the walls, under the house, in the bathhouse, behind the furnace... i've been thinking a lot about urban wildlife lately, and the animals who make space for themselves in and around human habitation. the "natural" and the "wild" persist inside and around the edges of the "tame" and always, always have. if you have a crawlspace, there's a little spirit who lives there and he's the reason the dryer always eats your socks.

LIVE WHIMSICALLY.

[definitemoniker]

I've officially quit my job at McDonald's as of today. I worked that job for four years. First full-time job. I'm in college with four more semesters to go just.

Man. I did a good job. I wonder what's next.

And that wonder is something I can savor now because of how hard I worked to get here.

I'd like to start doing more things that will make me happy. Not *do* make me happy but *will* because they take effort. But I'd rather spend that effort on something more worthwhile.

I've just not been able to justify to myself going through the effortful process of being bad at something before you get kinda good. Not any more than I absolutely had to. I've always held myself to the standard of perfection, but I've spent my whole life pretty much trying to lower that bar to something realistic.

I'm doing the things that will help me succeed. I'm talking to coaches. I'm going to therapy. I'm keeping up with schoolwork. I'm trying to spend more time with friends. I've been making money. Even so, when I look at myself, I see inadequacy.

My core insecurities in life are 1) not being in control, particularly of myself, and 2) not being enough. I cope by learning everything I can about anything that interests me, as either a distraction or a useful tool I may or may not need later.

I don't want to just cope anymore. I want to live my life. I don't want to fade away without having made a difference in this life. The only one I know is mine. I want to write stories! I want to read stories! I want to play TTRPGs! I want to do work that actually means something! I want to make something beautiful to share with the world as a crystalization of my experience in it! I want things, and I'm not going to keep denying myself the privilege of pursuing them!

[definitemoniker]

There is so much more I could say about this, but there is not enough room. Remember to check with reality rather than believing conspiracy theories promoted, supported, and funded by white nationalist hate groups.

Missouri is proposing 20% of the nation’s anti-trans legislation this session. Gender-affirming care for young folks is on the edge of being criminalized (so much love to trans friends in states where that has already happened).

Please keep up with the anti-trans legislation in your state and combat it. There are lives at stake.

Transphobes do not touch this post.

Image ID: a 10-image cartoon comic featuring Joey, a boy with short hair.

Image 1: Joey, upset, gesticulates towards an open laptop. Text reads: The reality of St. Louis trans kids. Last week, a former (non-medical) employee of Washington University’s Pediatric Transgender Center was featured in a viral article about how the clinic was “rushing” kids into medical care and “mutilating” us. Every single thing she said was a lie, but the media loves it. Footnote reads: I wouldn’t give any more attention to this, but it is immediately endangering the lives of trans people. Missouri has launched a state investigation and is actively attempting to criminalize gender-affirming care based on conspiracy theories.

Image 2: Joey points to a map of the United States where Missouri is singled out, and a map of Missouri where St. Louis is indicated with a star. The text reads: The Transgender Center, located in St. Louis, Missouri, has been the target of hateful attacks from the far-right state legislature for years. It is part of Washington University Hospital, a branch of a prestigious private university.

Image 3: A younger Joey injects his T shot in his leg while someone takes a photo. Text reads: I can tell you that everything in the article is false because I received care at the Transgender Center beginning at 16 years old. My medical transition has brought me nothing but joy. What a gift it is to be trans!

Image 4: A younger Joey sits on a couch and stims with a tangle fidget toy. Text reads: No one is “rushed”. I sat on many waitlists, had to have 6 months of specialized gender therapy and a diagnosis of gender dysphoria before even being referred to the Center, and I was denied as “not ready enough” by an endocrinologist the first time I finally got an appointment. Footnote reads: If you’re curious about what it looks like to be a trans kid, I did another piece on that! Check out tinyurl.com/transkidscomictumblr.

Image 5: A colorful map of the United States shows how many states have a Negative Gender Identity Policy Tally and how many states have criminalized gender affirming care. Joey holds a credit card. Text reads: St. Louis’ Pediatric Transgender Center is the only one in the region, meaning the waitlists are extremely long. Plus, no one in the only industrialized country without free healthcare is getting medical care for fun. Many American trans folks have to fundraise for our care.

Image 6: Joey, distressed, sits on a couch while talking on the phone. The person on the other end says: “That’s me!” Text reads: This former employee spoke about specific cases, and patients have been able to identify themselves. She shared our private medical info and called us horrifying.

Image 7: This is split into two panels. In the first, Joey holds up a box of condoms and a packet of birth control pills. Texts reads: She especially hated trans men such as myself, saying that trans ideology was destroying “girls”. She lamented about hormones making us “sterile”, which is a complete lie. We trans mascs have to actively prevent pregnancy. In panel two stands a doctor. Text reads: Every time I had an appointment at the Center, doctors reminded me: Remember: testosterone is not a contraceptive! Footnote reads: The wonderful Erin Reed wrote a breakdown debunking all the lies in the article. See tinyurl.com/erinreedmissouri.

Image 8: Joey, masked, sits at a circular table with his brother, an unmasked boy with fluffy short hair. Joey’s brother is showing him his phone. Text reads: Major newspapers continue to platform these complete lies because they bring in engagement and money. The Washington Post tracked down my little brother’s personal cell phone number to try to get in contact with our mom – the president of an organization supporting trans kids in Missouri. Freaky, right?

Image 9: Joey, looking disgusted, leans against a door frame while talking on a cell phone. Text reads: But no one wants to talk with me, the adult who medically transitioned at this clinic as a minor and has not “desisted” in six years. The Washington Post reporter, who didn’t know anything about trans people, talked with me for 20 minutes and used a sentence of mine in an article about “both sides of the debate”. She didn’t mention that this former employee is being legally represented by a recognized anti-LGBT hate group, nor that all of her claims are unsupported by reality or science.

Image 10: Joey looks angry and gesticulates. Beside the drawing are two photos of Joey, one of him happy in front of a trans flag, and the other of him drawing up testosterone to take his first T shot. Text reads: There is no debate. There are trans people, and there are people who want us dead. There is truth and there are conspiracy theories. Where is my viral article in a major paper?

Published Feb 16, 2023. End ID.

[definitemoniker]

I think this is an incredibly important video to watch

[definitemoniker]

I'm not even trans, but people need to get over their weird assumptions and discomfort about the topics of gender, sex, and sexuality.

[definitemoniker]

(ID: six trans flags with text. Text reads "Trans kids exist and deserve to be supported and heard", "Trans kids know themselves and their identities", "Trans kids deserve to become happy trans adults", "Trans kids deserve the right to access gender affirming care", "Trans kids have the right to decide their own names and pronouns", and "Every transgender adult was once a child who should have had support").

[definitemoniker]

Good News Y'all!

This week, we have positive news from Michigan, Missouri, and even Italy! Find out more here.

[definitemoniker]

It feels like a great metaphor for someone who is so in-tune with their ship that it feels like a part of them. If you don't mind, I used this as a prompt and wrote something.

A shipwright who dreamed of sailing, built it from nothing but lumber, nails and dreams bought through scrounged-up pennies and long hours of hard labor. Into the night, they chased the ship that lived within their mind. They saw the waves lapping at its sturdy frame, felt each grain of wood sanded and finished, the wind blowing into its thick canvas. It started as a playful notion, a fancy of the shipwright's imagination, but as they worked, it grew. Like the trees it came from, the project started small, humble as the shipwright themself. Their clothes were constantly covered in pine and maple shavings, smelling strongly of the water-resistant cedar they worked upon. Board by board, strike by strike, eventually it was so real to this humble shipwright that it outshone all else. In their dreams, they were the ship or sometimes the trees it was born from. Alas, they were not as fine a sailor as they had dreamed. On its maiden voyage, an unsuspecting reef pierced the hull with a screech from human and ship alike, and as they lie on the rocky shoal, the ship of their dreams lying--scraping the stones with its final breaths--so did the shipwright perish. Soon, as bodies decayed and dreams turned to dust, an errant seed took root. The tree grew fast, hungrily devouring the remains as a mere sapling. Soon did a young human take notice of the broken ship and wonder at its fallen majesty, and so did they notice the sturdy cedar that would make fine lumber.

in the like. ship & person & tree body horror transformation that runs through my mind all the time the tree is still ultimately in the ship and the sailor becomes the ship by living in her and thereby becomes the tree as well, and they physically grow together until the ship's ribs are the man's ribs and the man's body is sprouting leaves and the sap left in the timber almost has a heartbeat. or sometimes there's a person who's already become a tree & is then later cut down & built into a ship, bleeding sap, so that very structure of the ship is both a tree-corpse and a living person-ship. or sometimes a person is shipwrecked and pierced through with a thousand pieces of ship and they lie there quietly on the beach until eventually the flesh and the wood intermingle and take root and grow some sort of person-tree that has a heart and gentle fingers. & like none of this in a shocking way, just as a sort of melancholy mingling of like things that share their bodies so closely to grow into each other

[definitemoniker]

I used to have more big thoughts. I found myself thinking them as I once did the other day, and it struck me that I'd been so preoccupied with smaller thoughts and smaller questions. "Where do I go? When need I go?" The What, Why, and How used to rule my thoughts. Now it is When and Where. Adulthood has changed my priorities. More responsibility means I can't disregard myself as much anymore. All people deal with existential dread in different ways. I embraced the smallness of myself, if only I could glimpse the grander scale. What does my life really mean in the face of eternity, infinity, the universe as a whole, and all the people living just the same as me with all their own inquiries and experiences...not much. I have begun to value my life out of something more than obligation. And I have rediscovered the preferred shape of my mind.

[definitemoniker]

I had an interesting few conversations at Kroger and listened to Worlds Beyond Number with Brennan, Lou, Erika, and Aabria. I also accidentally made some pretty decent fermentation out of a monstrosity of a protein shake. I added a whole lot of leftover ginger with honey to rehydrate(?) it, grape tomatoes that were starting to wrinkle, preserved but not dried cherries, old cranberries, a dollop of sour cream, spinach, and milk to a coconut milk/chocolate protein powder shake. Too much ginger even in two spoonfuls of the additive, so I've been trying to cut it with milk and let it sit for a while. Hence, in that time in and out of the fridge, it has since evolved. I like it, but what it has become is truly strange. I think it might be kombucha, but it very well may defy strict classification.

[definitemoniker]

I just watched this video, and it really made me feel more reassured, even as it spurred me to action I am not yet ready to take. I'm getting my life in order and trying to do good, to be a good person and live a good life. It can be so hard to just be sometimes. There will be times when I must step up and take action. I'm young yet, so I think I can be excused in having a hard time with that part. Especially in America. Enough of my rambling. This is a good video. https://youtu.be/3NCSY85FqVQ

[definitemoniker]

I just went grocery shopping by bicycle. I'm impressed with my right shoulder in particular.

[definitemoniker]

Reading Adrian Tchaikovsky's _Children of Time_ and I just had to comment on this. Like it says on the cover, it is a masterclass in evolutionary storytelling. Inventing tools and mechanics for the story as it progresses that inform every future event. It's more than just worldbuilding a period in history, it's building *each moment* in history that changed things and making it all flow seamlessly. Wonderful work.

Spoilers if you're not at page 206: The way the spiders perceive sound is informed by their use of webs, their fine tactile sensation, and their use of stomps and gestures for language. When they hear the spacecraft falling through the sky, feel the impact of it as they are marching toward the ant fortress, they describe it "as though the world has just cried out some vast, secret word." It's so epic! This entire scene is fantastically awe-inspiring, but that may be my favorite line in the book.