diaryofaborderlinebitch

[diaryofaborderlinebitch]

Something I've drawn up. Will be getting it tattooed on me. Some days I just need that reminder to keep going..

[diaryofaborderlinebitch]

I Love You

I would go to the ends

of the earth for you;

Do anything and everything

you need me to do.

We've been through so much

shit together over the years

We've overcome obstacles

and faced our fears.

From graduating high school,

to moving out to Brad's

Then finally escaping there to

Orangeville, for which I am glad.

We've had our ups and downs,

no question about that.

But we always seem to work

them out together, every spat.

Some take longer than others

for us to work through,

But we never gave up,

we learned and we grew.

I'm so proud of how

far we've both come,

From immature high schoolers

to the proud parents we've become.

You've stuck by me

during this insane ride

that has been my mental

health, always at my side,

I know it's not always easy

to love me like you do

I know I'm hard to deal with

when emotions come out of the blue.

I know this because many days

I don't want to be me

So I can only imagine how hard

loving me must be

To still choose to love me even

on my worst of days

Takes a heart of gold

and sets my heart ablaze

I truly admire your

courage, heart, and strength

You inspire me to work on

myself, and go to new lengths.

Without your love and support

over the last seven years,

I truly don't know where I'd

be now, one of my biggest fears.

I never want to lose you,

you mean the world to me

Even if we're fighting or tiffing,

that, I hope you can still see

Love isn't always easy to feel,

sometimes we have to choose

to accept and love the other as they are,

and put yourself in their shoes.

That can be hard to do

when emotions are running high

but after some cool down time,

we sit down, and we try.

Even when we're angry or

fighting, I feel such deep love

That's why arguments hurt me

so much, like a solid shove

I feel everything so deeply and

some days are worse than others,

I'm sorry if my neediness and

mental health kind of smothers

Just know that every day,

no matter what,

I love you with the whole

of my heart, and my butt.

I will love you forever,

I hope you feels the same,

I know I sound like a sap,

and that this poem's kinda lame.

But lately I've been writing poetry,

so this one's for you,

my best friend, lover, partner

in crime, ride or die, my boo.

Together we've overcome so much

and I hope it's just the start.

Let's conquer the world, my dear,

we're stronger together than apart.

Just please be careful with

what you do with my heart...

[diaryofaborderlinebitch]

I can be really hard to love sometimes,

this I know for sure.

With my roller coaster of emotions,

for which there seems no cure.

One minute: happy and laughing

the next I'm raging like the Hulk.

Then I'm so damn embarrassed about it,

I hide myself away to sulk.

I lock myself away and wonder,

why the hell can't I get a grip

On my thoughts and emotions.

I try so hard, but then I slip.

I know what it feels like to me,

and it's one bitch of a ride

So I can only imagine what it's like

to someone on the outside.

To be friends with or even love

someone with BPD seems a feat

to stay and not shove me aside,

makes my heart skip a beat

I've lost so many people in my life

and probably pushed away more

So when someone new comes in,

I always fear they'll walk out the door..

Once I feel truly connected,

I'll cling to you like a leech

I'll also sit here and say to myself

“Be careful here, don't overreach.”

But eventually I do overstep

some boundary or another

and usually I'm blind to it coming

my way, and it'll smother

out any sort of affection or friendship

we may have between us

it usually ends in some

sort of blowout or giant fuss...

Sometimes I'm quick

to realize my mistakes,

other times it takes months;

I can be real slow on the uptake...

On the rare occasion I find

someone who stays for a while,

I feel like I drain them more often

than I can make them smile

I feel like I take more

than I can ever give back

And that kind of math will,

eventually, put you in the black.

I'm trying to get better,

one long day at a time

but some fights are harder

and I can turn on a dime

With the support of those

I love, and who love me too

I'm fighting a good fight

even on days I'm blue

Those who love someone with

an illness as rough as this,

you're all heroes, angels

on earth, we're not remiss

to all you do everyday

and who you really are.

I'm inspired by your strength

to, like you, shoot for the stars

I can be hard to love sometimes,

I've known this from the start...

Just know that I love you back,

with the whole of my heart.

[diaryofaborderlinebitch]

Complicated

I can be surrounded by people,

or sitting totally alone.

And I have this complicated

��feeling” that chills me to the bone

Feelings of anxiety,

and of emptiness too,

Feelings of uncertainty

over what I say or do.

Feeling like I don't belong

wherever I am standing

Feeling awkward and foreign,

like I'm waiting for a branding...

Feeling misunderstood and crazy

in a world so dark and gray

Feeling alone most of the time

as I try to get through my day.

Feeling like an outcast and weirdo

among many of my peers

Feeling pushed aside, ignored etc;

confirming to me, my darkest fears.

Feeling totally rejected, and

lonely to my very core...

Feeling so very worthless, like

“why do you even try anymore??”

Whether I'm surrounded by people

or sitting totally alone;

I can't shake this complicated-ass

fucking “feeling” that chills me to the bone...

[diaryofaborderlinebitch]

BPDemons

Some days are harder than others

for being stuck inside my head.

My mind goes round in circles

with all the things I've left unsaid.

I've got demons always with me,

they follow me around.

They've all got different names,

but all share common ground.

To creep, crawl, and cast shadows

of doubt, despair and dread.

And the whisper in my ear

with stories to fill my head.

Very few have met them,

they just think it's me;

doing more thing irrational

and spreading negativity.

I'll admit sometimes they take me

to places so dark and deep

I often can't get out,

so I lay myself down to sleep.

I fight so hard against them,

but they can be so strong.

I try to block out the voices,

but how can I know they're wrong?

Let me introduce you to one,

I'll tell you it's name.

I can even try to describe

a few of its twisted games.

This darkest one here is scary

to everyone, not just me.

They say things like “manipulator”,

“bad person”, and “instability”.

It's the biggest of my Disorders:

Borderline Personality.

My BPD has nine “criteria”;

but it can be hard to tell

if what you're seeing is me,

or the disorder being hell.

Efforts to avoid real or imagined

abandonment; symptom One.

I'll either be “all over you”

or messages will be NONE.

Patterns of intense, unstable

relationships; symptom Two.

I'm basically obsessed,

or I fucking hate you.

Distorted sense of self and

loss of identity; symptom Three.

I love myself, I hate myself,

I don't even know me...

Impulsive, self-destructive

behaviours; that's symptom Four.

Unsafe sex, spending sprees,

smoking marijuana, and more...

Suicidal thoughts and self-harming

behaviours; that's symptom Five.

When things get tough, I hit self-destruct;

my brain automatically wants to die.

Intense changeable moods, lasting

hours to days; symptom Six.

I can seem bipolar, sometimes my

mood “flips”, or sometimes it sticks.

Symptom seven is chronic feelings

of emptiness, similar to depression.

Feeling blah over things I once enjoyed,

or during times of mental “decompression”

Inappropriate, intense anger and

anger control issues, symptom eight.

It can be triggered by ordinary events,

I can't always control it, which I HATE.

This final one's a real doozy,

It's called Stress Related Dissociation.

Feelings of “unreality”, cut off from yourself;

a mind-body disconnection.

Basically that means that in

a really overwhelming situation,

I disconnect from my body,

and “drift away” as a salvation.

Those may be the nine key things

they look for to diagnose BPD;

but there are a few other things

“borerlines do” that you can see.

Like how we ten to think in extremes,

all good or bad, white or black.

Or how we feel emotions so deeply

and frequently, we lose track.

This last thing can be both

a horrible curse, or an awesome gift.

When I'm down, I'm so depressed...

But when I'm up, I'll give everyone a lift.

Now, that was a lot of technical shit,

and a little bit of explanation,

that was taken from the DSM-5

used in a psych. evaluation.

To relate a little more to

what I just laid out for you,

I'll tell you from inside myself,

the things that I go through.

I'm paranoid all the time

of being left by those I love.

Even when I'm reassured they won't,

I'm always worried I'll be disposed of.

Sometimes I'm super clingy,

always blowing up your phone.

But then other days I won't reply;

I'll totally leave you alone.

My interests, values and pasttimes

all frequently change...

I guess that's what happens when

the face in the mirror is strange.

I dye my hair when I'm trying to cope

with some super heavy shit.

I change my hair because changing

my look, comforts me a bit.

I can be set off in a fit of rage

by the simplest of things.

Sometimes I can't shake it off;

I lash out and act in ways that sting.

I can act impulsively and in some

pretty self-destructive ways.

I do shit I shouldn't do, shit that

can ruin my life, on my darkest days.

When things get so overwhelmingly tough

that I truly don't know how to cope,

my brain either turns to dissociation

or thoughts and feelings of no hope.

When I fuck up in my life,

I will beat myself up for days.

I'll think about what I should've

done differently, over and over on replay.

That's a lot of negative to take in.

Trust me, I should know.

BUT. I am so much MORE than

the negativity. More than the woe.

Remember when I said I feel emotions

so deep, it's both a curse and a gift?

That means I feel everything X1000

the bad, AND the good, catch my drift?

For me this means I love with my whole

heart, even though I struggle to trust completely

It means I'll give the benefit of the doubt

and can sometimes forgive fairly hastily.

Being “borderline” means a lot of things

I know some days I'm a royal fucking pain.

Being an unpredictable roller coaster

can be enough to drive anyone insane.

Feeling on top of the world one minute,

then angry enough to throw shit the next,

to suddenly so depressed you want to die;

that shit has some physical effects....

It can cause headaches, nausea, anxiety,

exhaustion, insomnia, the list goes on...

There's a reason the “mentally ill” try

to stay in bed morning to night, dusk to dawn.

It's so exhausting to have such a

deep feeling of every emotion.

Some days I'm better at managing,

others I guess I cause a commotion...

But my heart is so full of love to give,

and if you can get into my circle of Care

I'll likely smother you with so much attention

and affection, it'll become hard to bear.

I know this has been a bit of an odd take,

and I realize this poem may not be great.

But it's my way of coming to terms, as they say

and it's slowly been helping (I think) day by day.

[diaryofaborderlinebitch]

Storms

Ive tried and tried

And nothing gets better

Ive cried and cried

But cant brave the weather

The storm that rages

The hell it wages

Upon my heart

Where do i start?

How do you heal

When you cant feel

All the pain inside?

I want to just hide.

Hide my face in the sand

Im so lost in this land

I dont think i can stand,

Someone.. please, take my hand...

Can you show me the way?

Back to brighter days?

Or am i destined to stay

In a place of dismay?

[diaryofaborderlinebitch]

Uncertainty

Im tired of hurting those close to me

And of being so full of uncertainty

Second guessing all i think

And wondering if i need a shrink.

Why cant i seem to do anything right?

Why is functioning such a fight?

Why cant i seem to straighten my mind?

Why do i feel like someone so unkind?

Saying things in a way i dont mean

Cus i cant seem to find a way to come clean

About the thoughts and the feelings inside my head

And the things that go on when i lay down in bed.

Feeling so lost and very confused

What can i do when i always lose

Always seeming to have the blues

Just trying to put together the clues..

[diaryofaborderlinebitch]

Better Days

I want to hope for better days,

For cloudless skies and warm sun rays...

But they can be so hard to see

through the dark fog that' s clouding me...

I can never seem to shake it,

Can't get away, can't escape it.

It lingers like a black rain cloud,

Often quiet, but sometimes loud.

Im never sure about what I say,

I question myself night and day.

I know what I say doesnt always work,

I'm so very sorry I act like a jerk...

I swear, I really dont mean to,

And I feel super shitty when I do...

But for those who put up with and help me get through,

Please know it means the world to me, and I really do LOVE YOU.

[diaryofaborderlinebitch]

You were going through so much

So much shit at home, and more.

Life really had you down

You were shaken to your core.

I was dealing with lots at home too,

And I didn't know how to cope.

But we always had each others' backs,

And with your help, I didn't lose hope.

I was trying so hard to stay focused

On the realities of my life

Instead of the nagging words

Of my demons, stabbing like a knife.

You fought with me against them

We tried so hard together; THANK YOU.

But when I was alone they ambushed me,

Slowly breaking down my walls; well, trying to...

Then shit hit the fan with our friend,

And I couldn't understand why...

I truly couldn't see that I had

fucked up and crossed too many lines.

You were always there to listen

When I finally wanted to talk,

But by this point in time,you two were getting closer,

And I had a line to walk.

Between feeling like I was dragging you

Into the middle of the shit storm I created;

And confiding in my best and most trusted friend,

Someone whose opinion I value, I always hesitated...

Over time I came to realize the effects

Of all the things I did and said

The “brain fog” had finally lifted,

It was time to sort my head.

I've realized quite a lot recently

about myself, my “crazy”, and way more

I must admit it took a lot of reflection,

But I was always willing, it was never a “chore”

Here are some things I have come to realize,

I fucked up real bad, and said things I shouldn't

I ruined the friendship, I see now that's on me.

I'm too much, and he just couldn't.

{I really can't blame him,

I was shit, I wouldn't}

But I've also now come to see, I was shit,

I was a horrible friend, and the list goes on

to not only him, but to the one person

that stuck by me, dusk to Dawn.

I wish I could take everything back,

I'm sorry I caused you pain and distress...

I should have been there for you more,

When you felt like your life was a mess...

I was a horrible friend, and I'm so very sorry

That my actions came to hurt you too.

You really are the best person ever.

I so badly want to make it up to you.

You're so smart, resilient, and strong.

You really give me inspiration

to work on being a better me,

and to keep my concentration.

I truly don't know where I'd be

Without all of your support

Your compassion, encouragement and caring

Helps me so much, I'm happy to report.

I love you to pieces

I really hope you know,

I hope I didn't bore you

While I opened up my soul

I know I'm a shitty person

I'm sorry, I don't mean to be...

I'm just so FUCKING thankful

To have you never give up on me.

Like I said a bit before,

I want to make it up to you.

If you can think of anything,

Please, tell me what I can do.

I love you Best Friend,

You're beautiful through and through.

[diaryofaborderlinebitch]

Some days I wish I never said

the things I said to you.

I crossed a line I couldn't find

amid the whispers, out of the blue

of demons dark and dangerous,

I cant even describe

the things they do and tell me,

they make me want to hide.

My demons always haunt me

They speak un-truths in my ear

I fight and fight against them

but some days it's hard to hear

the tiny voice of reason

that calls out “Ignore them my dear!”

They spoke such strange and terrible things

during a time I was low

I barely had the energy to fight

off the demons' blow by blow

to the mental walls I have built up

that keeps me aware of the world I know.

They told me lies and un-truths galore

and it began to blur my perception

I started to believe the lies they told

and I was losing my sense of direction.

Suddenly my brain was trying to decide:

Were the stories true? Or just my imagination?

In the end, I guess the demons took over,

I lost my sense of boundary

I listened to the whispers too much

and became just another “crazy”

I regret ruining our friendship

over my clouded views of reality.

I pushed some buttons and went way too far

With the things I did and said

I never should have crossed those lines

and our friendship wouldn't be dead.

I wish I could take back my actions

But alas, I cannot, so now I'm clearing my head

So I'll lay it all out for you,

Simple and plain.

Sorry for what I said to you, buddy

Sorry I caused us both so much pain

I'm sorry for everything, big and small,

I'm sorry for ruining the friendship, most of all.

[diaryofaborderlinebitch]

Lost

What can I do

When i feel torn in two?

What can I say

When my mind starts to stray?

How do I "be"

When I cannot see

What lies on the path

Right in front of me?

I'm stumbling through

Like alcoholics do

When they don't know the way

Or really even night from day.

Blind to my destination

Shrouded by precipitation

Searching for some adoration

Finding only alienation.

If only I could find a map

A shortcut, a GPS, or some small gap

In the dense fog on the trail I walk

That twists and turns around the clock.

But what can I do

When I feel torn in two?

And what do I say

When my mind starts to stray?