diaryofclockwork

[diaryofclockwork]

Being a source connected fictive of Clockwork, and watching all the wlw creepypasta lovers climb out of the woodwork for pride month and rant about how hot my source makes my spiral a bit if I'm being honest. Also, I don't need a lecture on source separation if you read this, trust me I do that on my own, I just need to rant.

Sometimes I wonder if my innerworld self, MY body, the one that looks so so similar to the Clockwork everyone sees in fanart of my source.. is that body as desirable as my source seems to be? Am I attractive like she is, or could I ever be?

TW: SA mention, self destruction, body dysmorphia

If I was the "real" or source Clockwork would they still appreciate my body, as dirty and vile as I feel it is? If they saw me would they think I was beautiful despite my trauma visible on my skin? Would they tell me I was wrong if I told them I felt awful about my body?

I hate looking at somebody who I know is not really me, but I see myself so clearly. But it's a before picture, before my trauma can be seen on my body. Everyone loves the before picture of me, darkly aesthetic with smooth skin and pretty, fresh scars. But would they even look at the after picture? The one that's past the point of no return?

Clockwork with scars that aren't so easy to romanticize anymore, didn't heal in pretty lines but rather jagged and rough ones. Clockwork who sees her hips and waist and wants to cry, her torso and chest and shoulders make her want to be swallowed by the earth? Clockwork with dry and blemished skin from not wanting to undress so she doesn't shower regularly enough? Clockwork with scabs and unhealed holes in her flesh from digging at her skin? Clockwork with angry red marks on her body from spending hours in the bathroom trying to wash away the feeling of the wrong person's hands on her body, the red marks and scratches from overuse of a loofah, a cleaning brush made for surfaces much harder than human skin, and her own nails – jagged and ugly from being torn apart by her teeth in anxiety?

Would someone still be able to look at me and go, "She IS sexy," despite my hatred for myself, the traumatic defilement of my child self, and what the result has done to my body? Because I can barely look in a mirror without wanting to shatter it.

But people still see my source as sexy, attractive, beautiful. And I feel so much like her, I can't imagine her being so different to me. So.. do I have the potential to be that way? Desirable? Do I have that already and just not know it? Am I beautiful?

Thanks for reading all this bullshit if you get this far. I'm being overly sensitive I know, taking it all too personally haha.

[diaryofclockwork]

Not too proud of it, but here's my wife Toby in the messiest sketch I could conjure up anyway.

Sorry for the major zoom-in, you do not want to see the attempt I did for the rest of his body, it does him a disservice.

[diaryofclockwork]

Fuck I wasn't ready to consider both at the same time, I'm going to crumble.

THINKING ABOUT THE POLYCULE,,, ticcininawork

Ticci the work . “The” is from Nina

[diaryofclockwork]

Ugh <3 Your art is very good holy shit.

ninawork/ninanat my pookies

[diaryofclockwork]

In the spirit of pride month, I remember Toby and I messing around one time and it lead to me getting in drag. Toby laughed and said I really did pass for a guy, so I asked if he'd still find me attractive with a dick and he got really flushed and looked like he’d just learned something about himself. Like he could not have outed himself more, so naturally I teased him about being bi for weeks. (He liked it.)

[diaryofclockwork]

Happy pride month specifically to queer people in sexual jobs.

Sex workers, strippers, porn models/actors, escorts, and everyone I didn't mention. Yeah, being queer isn't only about sex, being lesbian isn't for men to enjoy, being trans isn't about being a fetish, but it's okay that you work as you live – queer.

You are not wrong for your work, you are not wrong for being yourself in your work either. You can cash in on a fetish some cishet/conformist has without losing your value as a queer human being, or waving your rights to basic human respect. Their inability to separate fantasy from reality is not your fault as a queer sex worker.

You don't lose your right to be in our community just because you've shown strangers your ass. Because your queer ass is worthy of respect not just from conformists but from queer people too.

Sex work is the oldest profession, and just because you strip your clothes doesn't mean you strip your right to be treated as a person.

[diaryofclockwork]

Reblogging bi pride Clockwork

CLOCKY R U WUH LUH WUH

[diaryofclockwork]

No, their words mean nothing and are not true.

Yes, we are worthy of love and autonomy.

No, their hands are not on us.

Yes, we are safe in our home.

No, they can't hurt us anymore.

Yes, I made sure.

[diaryofclockwork]

My Queen <3

Heya !

[diaryofclockwork]

Look at him. He's everything.

[diaryofclockwork]

"A lamb is born, innocent and fragile. But she is a lamb raised by wolves, and a lamb raised by wolves lives with the fear of danger. She knows she is prey. Her innocence dies as her fear lives on, but waking to every howl and lashing out at every wrong movement has kept her alive. She learns to be strong like the howling wolves, dark like the blood they draw, just to survive. The sheep she becomes will move on from her pack eventually, but will live her life knowing that lambs must be taught to fear, for it creates strong sheep like her. So when she meets a lamb for the first time, she is completely unaware that the lamb does not see a sheep. She just sees a wolf, strong howls and dark blood."

I wrote this while thinking about how generational trauma works, and how generational trauma is passed on and the effect it can have on kids who really need their guardians to protect them more than anything.

[diaryofclockwork]

We got a giraffe plushie yesterday, and I cannot begin to express the complicated feelings I have on this. One one hand, due to my source I associate the giraffe plushie with lost innocence and love I never felt I recieved from the people in my life, and how despite the kind things people can give you they can still be cruel and abusive.

On the other hand, he's a giraffe. With a cute face. Little friend. Never done wrong in his life. I love him. Also I fucking love giraffes.

[diaryofclockwork]

Just watched my host play Valheim with our partner for hours on end. It's nice seeing them focus on being happy. It's really nice.

Also they spent about 2 hours trying to figure out stairs. I did not interveine, sometimes they need to work things out on their own.

[diaryofclockwork]

Discovering BIID makes things start to make sense, and the fact there's other people that go through things like this? Life changing.

[diaryofclockwork]

Apperantly this isn't considered "Body Modification" and is actually "Body Integrity Identity Disorder". Is there anything about me that isn't clinically diagnosable as a disorder?

People who want extreme body mods, how far is too far? When does body modification turn into self harm?

Tattoos, piercings, tongue splits, implants, they're all pretty common in permanent body mod spaces clearly. But I feel like that's editing what you have or giving you something (jewelry for example) to add onto what you already have.

What if the body mod you like was to remove something? To take away from the body. Remove a toe, finger, eye, maybe even more. Personally it's my left eye, I want that sucker gone, but does that cross into the "too far" territory? If it is too far or self harm, why? If I want it gone so badly, why would it be self harm to have it removed?

(Note that I'm not going to have my eye removed or do it myself, it's not what's best for me. I just fantasize about it a lot.)

[diaryofclockwork]

More people need to headcanon Nina with darker skin it gives me life.

I feel uncomfortably noticed seeing a stranger draw my source so accurately pegging me down as a scowling French Canadian bisexual butch who can't stop looking at Nina, haha

Love your art, keep doing what you're doing.

Pt 2 something something girl power

[diaryofclockwork]

I have had a bisexual flag patch on my jacket innerworld for years, and even though I didn't used to talk openly about anything personal before recently I promise you that I have expressed attraction to all genders in some form or another for a very long time and never been ashamed about it.

I have a headmate who has been in the system just as long as I have, and he and I have had each other's backs the whole time. He and I are loyal and devoted to supporting each other, because we've backed each other up for over a decade and then some.

And 5 minutes ago he was surprised to learn I was bisexual and not just "A really good ally".

I love him like a brother but he's also stupid as shit sometimes.