doyoueverfeelme - Tumblr blog

[doyoueverfeelme]

i saw the weirdest dream. i was going to the house again. planning to go there all night and going. also some devils wearing gorilla masks were making fun of me

[doyoueverfeelme]

20.01.2024 1229

good morning.

today i wake up kind of positive. covid positive lol. im sick and on medication. but i was feeling light in heart. i had breakfast, then took my pills. i was thinking about my past. i recalled the song" somebody that i used to know" . It's very accurate for me, all these people are somebody that i used to know now. i didn't even needed their love but they treat me like stranger and it was not necessary. also they owed me an explanation and the truth but they were too low to pay these. i'm above all the past needs for people who didn't like me. now i accepted the fact that no one actually liked me. and it feels ok now because before i was thinking they like me and treat me like this but now i know the truth. also future stresses me out so i will stop thinking about the future and live day by day.

[doyoueverfeelme]

20240113 2158

hi

im on a train now. im feeling very hyped today. i saw my best friend yesterday and today. im travelling to another city with another friend. all good. i already knew that all these negativity is happening because im very negative in my mind and i wanted to get over it but i was so stuck in the negativity. it fade away a little today so i feel lighter. i want to lose weight but my extreme hunger never stops. im always hungry.

i have so much to say but not in the mood of writing today. just wanted to update here.

[doyoueverfeelme]

20240113 2158

hi

im on a train now. im feeling very hyped today. i saw my best friend yesterday and today. im travelling to another city with another friend. all good. i already knew that all these negativity is happening because im very negative in my mind and i wanted to get over it but i was so stuck in the negativity. it fade away a little today so i feel lighter. i want to lose weight but my extreme hunger never stops. im always hungry.

i have so much to say but not in the mood of writing today. just wanted to update here.

[doyoueverfeelme]

090124 1942

hello hello hello.

today i was off. im so bored from my work so it was a good day. i couldn't stop playing dota2 thorough the day. i got my dutch class in the morning which is great because i finally started my course. then i did some stuff outside. it was snowing and raining so a great day to spend at home. my acne medicine is starting to work, my skin is dry and sensitive. i ate balanced today, still not perfect but i'll write myself a fun and healthy meal plan for this week so i can stay healthy and preferably fit.

i have a long list of things to do for today and i have work tomorrow. i don't want to work anymore like this. im getting paid so low. i should find a way to make better salary as my company simple doesn't give a fuck.

anyway, my morals was good today. my obsessed thoughts of people from the past decreased from %200 a day to %15 a day. i think this is a great improvement.

i want to buy 3 books related to self help but god damn when did books become so expensive..

im starting to build healthy habits which is good. i think today was overall a good day. most importantly my mental was %70 ok. normally it's %10 ok. so all good.

i applied to pre-registration of tomorrowland belgium. i plan to go this summer yayy. hope i can make it.

thanks

[doyoueverfeelme]

5 posts!

Im fasty

[doyoueverfeelme]

040107 - 20.08

hello its me again.

yeah today i feel better, not overwhelmed with my own thoughts and the past. today a sucker from past texted me and another guy asked for my number. i replied the sucker and still not replied to another guy. i'm kinda afraid to like someone new but i also feel ready to another failed relationship lol. i finally understood, my personality is doomed to have failed relationships, i know its because im ugly. so i know all my relationships will fail and this fact doesn't hurt me anymore, because this fenotype is, i was born this way. im ugly so what can i do right ?

other than that it was a calm day mentally. i worked and eat and now drinking coffee outside and doing my stuff. so all sounds good. got over the biggest heartbreak ever, he's not valuable to me anymore. and not feeling in need of someone anymore. so all good. i'm reading schopenhauer's book about happiness. he says " the best way is to have the least amount of pain possible" and i think he's right. so im trying to avoid pain, avoiding hard decisions, trying to chosse simple and easy things. which causes me less trouble and pain. a good life is a life with the least suffering as possible. i believe that. i will work on having an easy and no-suffer life from now on so at least it be bearable.

im eating a pumpkin cheesecake in tchibo now. their cheesecake is normally the best but this one is mehh.

thanks bye

[doyoueverfeelme]

[doyoueverfeelme]

040424 -2144

i always wanted to be a musician. i know i only belong to night and music. i only belong to darkness and the night crowd. only place i feel safe, home and happy is a concert or a rave. only thing helps me is music. thanks music.

[doyoueverfeelme]

04.04.2024 - 2128 - King of Losers

Yes, thats me. king of the losers. i lost everything. i lost. im the loser. i have this aching pain in my chest, now that i accept, i lost. im a loser. i lost so hard in love. i even lost count of how many times i lost. am i ugly?

i'm listening to karma police now. i couldnt find a song named king of the losers but maybe i should make that song myself. as soon as i got my dj set, i will make a song named king of the losers.

im horrible, horrible, horrible, feeling horrible, horrible,horrible. why why why.

no answers, no help again. im back to my 16. i was seeking for help desperately, no one came to help me no one came to save me. now im 24, again im in need of big help. now only difference is that i know no help is coming, no one will save me, now i know so my pain is colder. not as hot as 16. but still hurts. and people make babies. retarded people. who wants to live through all these pain? why would i sacrifice my beloved child by giving birth to it. why would i create another human. to get through all these suffering? cruel and im not gonna be cruel to my own child. so no babies.

im listening radiohead. arabesk rock. lol.

this year, i think i failed 15 relationships. im not sure about the exact number. first one lasted 4 months and i left him in a random they where i understood we're not compatible.

then i find a few narcicst psychos, each lasted 1 month max. then i left them all.

then i fell in love in june, hardest love of my life. i was sure he loved me back, but he left me. then i went to him again, just to see he has a girlfriend now. my heart shattered. why did you ask to be with me again if you have a girlfriend, why do you touch and hug to my soul and rip inside my heart, if youre not gonna love me properly. people are so cruel. im so soft. i tried to kill the soft in me, sometimes it comes back to life. but my soft has to die, so that i can live. i can't survive in this horror world as a kindest softest soul.

then this asshole, i just learned that he has a girlfriend too and wants to be with me as well, this asshole is someone i know for 5 years. i left him too. i dont think looking back after this point ever.

no body deserves my greatness. but im so alone. so alone. im okay with being alone, but im scared of myself. my mind is trying to drive me crazy. my mind wants to be lost. my mind is scaring me. im scared of myself. im scared of my capabilities. all therapist are retarded losers and they all suck. i couldn't find a threapist that i trust. i couldn't find someone to be with. i couldn't find good friends. i always thought im the issue but i dont think this anymore. im truly great. maybe i did mistakes, but this is not what i deserve.

is everyone this lonely? do i have to suffer all my existence? i had suffered from my own thoughts since the beginning of my conciseness. i'm strong, very strong. but its so hard. its ripping me apart. this is so so hard.

i keep praying, but god never answers. im not sure if someone hears me, i keep talking to myself. there is no one in and out of me. i keep falling and falling, getting up and falling again. getting up just to fall back again. im so tired of gettin up myself. so tired of holding my own hand. even tired of eating drinking sleeping and breathing. this life is a prison. my mind and my body is a prison. existence is a torture. i can but i cant at the same time. im so sad. so sad. so sad.

my heart is burning like a fire

[doyoueverfeelme]

030124 - 0124

Good night.

It was an ok day. Today is my first day with the journal. This was originally an advise from an asshole. But the thoughts I have is unbearable at this point and I need to let them out. Also therapists are retarded and I don't have a community to talk to so it's the best solution I could find. An online journal in Tumblr. It's here because I also need a little bit of attention. But will be anonim for sure.

I decided to help myself mentally today. I made an old notebook into agenda and planned my days and weeks. It helped me. I will not force myself to conquer the world in 1 day anymore as I now understand it takes way longer and nothing is more important then my piece and mental health.

I always believed that to let go is for weak. and I never knew how to let go, I can't let go. I'm not weak. I hold. I keep. I'm like this. I hate people who let go. Why