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[drowninginred]

I miss my best friend

But I dont miss you

I miss what we had

But I dont miss you

I miss how you made me feel

But I dont miss you

I miss feeling seen and understood

But I dont miss you

I miss a best friend

But that is no longer you

I miss what I made you up to be

But that was never you

[drowninginred]

Sometimes when I lay down on my back, hands crossed, I feel like Snow White. Well, not really Snow White, more like her ugly fat sister. Who got hungry and ate the apple instead. And then she would just sleep for eternity because the prince didnt want the cheap, second hand version. He wanted the pretty, skinny 14 yo.

[drowninginred]

We met.

We became friends, best friends, each other’s number one.

Then she came.

You guys became friends, best friends, each other’s number one.

And I stayed.

I made no friends, no best friend, no one’s number one.

Then you got together.

You became partners, soulmates, the obvious number one.

And I got left behind.

You weren’t a friend, best friend, nor was I your number one.

But you were still mine…

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“If you knew how hard it was, and how long it took, to rebuild my little universe of peace and happiness then you would understand why I’m so picky about who I allow in my life.”

— Weird People

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God why always me....can't you be a little kinder to my fragile heart

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Jean-Paul Sartre

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[drowninginred]

We used to tell each other everything

But then you tell me this big life changing event, weeks after it happened

We used to tell each other everthing

But now you tell her, and I’m left in the dark

You two tell each other everything

But to whom do I tell everything now?

[drowninginred]

Hermann Hesse

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I used to call you my best friend. Which is a huge deal for me, as I don’t say that easily. It comes with an amount of trust about how close our relationship is. And I value trust most in any kind of relationship.

So know how much it pains me to no longer call you that. That my fear, which withheld me for quite a while from giving you that title, that fear of you betraying said trust has been proven once more.

The fear that has grown with the friends that came and have gone. I was careful now, until I felt like I could no longer not call you my best friend. And yet, not careful enough…

Even though we might still be friends, my inner child is aching for our loss. Aching for yet another best friend to fade to the background.

Maybe I’m merely not “best-friend material”

[drowninginred]

I struggle with the words “you can’t expect someone to love you, if you don’t love yourself”

Becaude the thing is, I actually kind of do love myself? And yet… Yet nobody has shown me they love me

I know I selfsabotage sometimes, but I love who I am.

Loving yourself isn’t always the easy answer people believe it is, I wish it was.

And still those words get thrown at me whenever I talk about loneliness.

And everytime I hear those words, my heart aches… Knowing that despite loving myself, still no one loves me.

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[drowninginred]