drunkventing

[drunkventing]

Processing loss

I think it is useful for me to sit and process everything about him that I don't like because with a relationship like ours, it's easy to look back and see all the good and how "perfect" I thought he was. If I am going to detach then I need to be realistic about him and how I feel. He was very judgmental. Always talking about how "cringy" someone is or something was. I don't like people who are always judging others. It's okay to have confidence and know that you are amazing and your soul is vibrating at a higher frequency than most. But it is not okay to have any sort of superiority complex with average everyday ppl because they haven't chosen a similar path to yours or because they haven't gotten as far as you. ESPECIALLY if they are spiritual. I heard someone use the term "spiritual Ego" which basically means to have a huge ego around being spiritual and showing large amounts of arrogance around the subject. People with spiritual ego often hold themself above others who are not on the same journey or are not spiritual. He does that consistently. Now that I think about it he totally has a superiority complex and thinks he is better than people who are not enlightened. A big part of his personality and confidence is coming from a place of feeling superior to others.

This man is not an intellectual. He doesn't read. He does not study. Reading and studying isnt the only way to learn or swap ideas and information but he does not often fact check random information that he comes across. Like many others, when someone who he trusts or knows to have spoken truth in the past shares information, he is very likely to just latch onto that information without double checking. Especially if it confirms any theories or biases that he already wanted to be true. But yet he carries himself as though he is so much more knowledgeable and smarter than the general collective.

He breaks down the meaning of words to what they sound like instead of to their actual cell words and what they actually mean. This man says interstand instead of understand because and I QUOTE "If you understand that means your UNDER THE STAND and someone is standing over you." This man really thinks thats profound. Someone said that at the beginning of his spiritual journey and taught him that words are spells and I genuinely wish they hadn't lmfao!! Cause he doesn't "interstand" how dumb he be sounding. He tries to speak proper English and in a way that makes him sound smart but if you let him talk long enough you'll figure out that he was no honor student in grade school. He often makes grammatical errors when he's speaking that are tell-tell signs of being of lower intellect or education. Like accidentally saying a word that sounds similar to the word he is trying to use but makes no sense in the context of the sentence or spelling a word like it sounds and not how it's spelled (and I dont mean text-talk or abbreviations). [side bar- i just learned that is call a malapropism. The mistaken use of a word in place of a similar-sounding one, often with unintentionally amusing effect] Low intellect has ALWAYS been a turn off for me but I just giggle at mr. AZ and let it slide. Earlier in our relationship I literally had to decide if I was gonna correct him when he made those mistakes or not and I decided since he knows oh so much, to just let him look fake smart.

It doesn't help that he is always tryna teach and preach to somebody. He really holds himself as a guide for people and a teacher in many ways. In terms of spirituality and astrology, he is VERY knowledgeable but my opinion he is NO intellectual.

This is a man who says you are what you eat and uses that as an opportunity to make fun of meat eaters and say they sound like "canned tuna" or whatever. He thinks all meat have parasites and that the parasites in the meat are controlling people. He thinks that we don't be dealing with people but with their parasites.

He was always tryna judge me. When I was at my lowest, he tried to take that as an opportunity to try to manipulate me into being a vegan cause that's what HE wanted. And he tried to make that seem like it was the same as me telling him he was doing too much tryna get his own place, talkin bout living in a car until he saves up enough to get a place. Mental illness fr. in this same conversation he tried to manipulate me and by calling me manipulative cause he couldn't handle me being upset. He literally tied to manipulate me and then called me manipulative when I was getting mad at the way he was treating me.

I loved him and I genuinely appreciate everything he taught me and everything he did for me. He really tried to aid my growth and development as a baby spiritualist and I can't thank him enough for how he has helped me. He really helped motivate me and helped me through periods of doubt and stagnation. He uplifted me and made me feel empowered. Ultimately he is a human. He has GREAT attributes and he has bad ones. I think the bad are good to note as to why we shouldn't be more. I guess I was always right about how we are just supposed to be friends.

[drunkventing]

I probably should have been thought about this but... part 1

Why do I feel insecure? This man is NOT perfect. If I am being honest, he is still building and he is still at the base. He still doesn't have a stable foundation for himself. He doesn't have anything of his own and he is still sharing a place with others. He still hasn't gotten himself out of the negative patterns in his life. And I've watched him fail to take accountability. He wouldnt have lost his car if he had paid them when it was due. He should have paid them first instead of letting them be the last to get paid on his list. He wouldnt STILL be in catchup mode if he wasn't living beyond his means. If he was cooking more and eating out less. He has a lot of good traits but is this man responsible? Is this man accountable? Is this a man I would be able to rely on? Throughout these past months when I really needed assistance, he was never able to help me because he was already struggling himself. I don't need a savior and I don't need saving, but at the end of the day i feel like I never have the support I need from the ones who are supposed to be fulfilling those needs. My father was right about one thing; Who ever I marry is gonna have to be able to pick up the slack where I am lacking and be someone I can lean on when things get hard. I am up right now but I am not always up. And the more success I get the more assistance I am gonna need. If I am really gonna go for my goals, I am gonna need a whole team behind me to help me accomplish my dreams. That includes a man who can take charge and lead when I need him to and be there for me to fall back on when I don't know what to do or I am in turmoil. Someone who can not only help me self-regulate when I need the assistance but also someone who can help fill in the blanks and lend a hand where I need it. Someone who is stable enough to step into my world to help me stabilize when I need it. I can do it by myself but I want someone who is capable of helping and WANTS to assist me in my world and WANTS to make sure my dreams and goals are actualized. I think Mr. AZ is a great candidate w/ tons of potential but he is not in a place when he can really help me because he still needs to figure out how to get to a place of being stable himself. He still doesnt have the things he needs to really be stable. He is still renting his car, which means he has to give away a huge portion of what he makes. He still renting a place that has him paying weekly so he is still in a cycle of worrying about rent every week. He is still sharing a space where he isnt free to be himself fully. He cant do anything because he is afraid someone is gonna hear it through the wall. He is being monitored and controlled by the people who actually own the house as if he was a child. We can't even really have any intimacy because he is afraid of his friends hearing it. That's not just limiting to him but me and anyone that wants that intimacy with him. He has the potential to be the man of my dreams but he still has so much growing to do.

[drunkventing]

Processing Emotions

I have come to the realization the Iast month was emotionally more than taxing than I thought it was. I came across a tiktok or video (I dont remember) that said if you found yourself falling back on old patterns or behaviors, to examine what you could have been protecting yourself from. This came to me at the right time because I was very aware that I had fallen back into the negative habit of smoking weed a lot. I wasn't smoking before work and there was only a few times I went somewhere and brought a blunt for me to duck off and smoke lol. I was more high functioning the last month than I had been in the past and more determined to achieve what needed to be done than in the past. Because of this it didn't ruin anything I had previously set up for myself but it definitely slowed me down, distracted me and possibly stunted some of the progress I could have made in a few areas last month.

At first I was like "What I am doing?" Ik that I was numbing myself and re-realized that all those years I was a "pot-head" I was sedating myself and keeping myself in haze and I was repeating this behavior. It's one thing to enjoy a blunt every now and then but smoking everyday definitely puts you in a fog even when you're not smoking. The fog doesn't clear until you're sober for a few days actually. I tried my best not to beat myself up for displaying such behaviors and told myself that I would stop when my weed ran out. I actually wasn't smoking as much as I used to in the past so it was taking me a bit of time to finish what I had purchased. I also had a HUGE urge and craving to smoke that I didn't want to fight. Ya, know? Even though I tried not to beat myself up, I did feel a bit guilty for what I was doing.

Upon further reflection I realize I was experiencing a lot of negative emotions that were too overwhelming for me to face head-on, so to protect myself I put myself in a haze to dilute some of the impact on my brain. Mothers day was last month which made me think a lot about my parents, The play about my past toxic relationship was also last month and last month, me and Mr. AZ were distant. These things were emotionally hard for me to digest all at once and keeping myself numb REALLY helped. I was suppressing a lot and I feel like now that I'm out of last month I can REALLY take the time to process all of the things I wanted to avoid.

[drunkventing]

I'm not sure what was going on but I'm getting back on track

I feel like I have been spiraling SOOO hard and I'm forgetting something important. This month I think I really started to forget some of the lessons I learned in Arizona.

This month I really struggled with accepting the things I can't control and worrying. I feel like by the end of the month I really needed to be reminded of my power and the things I learned in Arizona. I was really thrown back into some of my insecurities and limiting beliefs.

I'm gonna start with some of the smaller things that I may not have even thought about that came up:

I struggled with imposter syndrome. It wasn't something I struggled with a lot but it was something I struggled with enough that it affected me this month. I had two show cases this month. One of these showcases was a three day showcase that I had to perform everyday. I'm gonna start by saying I did not set myself up for success as much as I could have and that is completely on me. I should have started packing sooner than I did, I should have made a check list of things I needed, I should have started working on costumes earlier and I should have spent more time on choreography and music, I should have filmed my projection video when I had the chance instead of taking chances on a different day, I should have procrastinated less and I should have been more aware of my self sabotaging ways. I will say I am proud of myself for being better at problem solving and pivoting when things don't work out exactly the way I planned them to. I was better at asking for help but maybe I still have to work on that a bit. I tell myself all the time that no production is perfect and something always goes unplanned and I feel proud to say that I am finally rolling with the punches with the knowledge that everything is going in my favor even if it isnt going the way I planned it. I still performed with the confidence that my performance was still gonna be great even if it wasnt EXACTly what I planned. I almost let my insecurities get the better of me and I almost dropped out of one of my productions. The day before the show! I'm glad my friends talked me out of it. Everyone said my performance was powerful! And they loved it!

I've been struggling processing my relationship to with my family and my mother. I was feeling extra negative because I feel very distant from my family and i would like to be closer but I also dont wanna feel like im begging to be loved by anyone. Leon took me to his family gathering and it kinda made me sad. I know the last of those kinda big gatherings are in the past for me now and I may never have them again now that my grandmothers are gone. I have to just move on and start my own family. I am starting to realize that I don't have the tribe here that Mr.AZ has. I dont have people I talk to everyday that want to be around me a lot that I connect with and are on the same vibration as me. Me and the tribe I have here are distant from eachother and we arent always on the same page. I do long for the tribe I never had. The people who I can call family. I love the tribe that I have but I have a feeling that the new friends I make will connect with me even more.

One of the most obvious things I struggled with is my insecurities in love and my faith in my abilities. One thing I learned in Arizona that I was just thinking of is going with the flow. I was able to confidently navigate my relationship with Mr.AZ because I was just going with the flow of the universe. I was open to the possibilities and I didnt really care if he was the one or if I even impressed him or not. I was living in a state of co-creating with the universe and allowing my destiny to unfold before me. I had the confidence that whatever was happening was happening FOR me and that I was gonna get the trip I wanted one way or another. I think my anxious attachment issues started to take over this month and it really put a strain on the connection I had w/ Mr.AZ. I started to acknowledge that I had fallen in love with him and I started to fear him leaving the connection which caused me to make decision that only led to just that. I hope I havent completely driven him away, but everything happens for a reason. If I have chased him away he was never mine to begin with. Either way him leaving was probably the wake up call that I needed because I was starting to forget my power. If I am to carry myself like a divine feminine than I can't allow my insecurities to take control like that. What will be will be and I DEFINITELY can not force or rush a man to any anything. Part of being in my divine energy as a woman is allowing things to flow towards me naturally. I don't want anyone I have to force to love me and I dont want anyone who is not ready to love me the way I need and desire. This whole year has been teaching me patience and faith, and I lost sight of that in fears and emotions. I was scared and lashing out. Maybe it was a bit of self-sabotage. I KNOW everything is flowing in my favor and I KNOW everything is happening the way its supposed to so why did I feel the need to try to rush things. I said I wasnt trying to rush but I was and I know that he felt that I was. I feel like i'm coming to a clarity that I didnt have the past month lol. I am a manifesting generator and a powerful witch. I should never feel anxiety and stress over the things taking place in the reality of the 3D. Especially love. I deserve love and I am an amazing catch. I will make an amazing wife one day and the man of my dreams will see this. Mr. AZ is a great catch but I am like no other woman. I have a unique personality and energy that he isn't going to find anywhere else. If there is a better match for him out there, then I want him to find it but he isnt going to find another me. I need to remember my power and stay faithful that everything is going the way I want it to, even when I can't see it. And if i'm gonna get my soulmate, I really do just need to sit back like the princess I am and let him come get me like the king he is lol.

I am powerful and nothing but love and abundance flows to me.

[drunkventing]

There's a lot to process at the moment

I feel like everything is falling into place the way I want it to... except love. Like I feel like God and the Universe is listening to me and giving me what I've been manifesting. I've been patient and trusted the process and I feel like I am finally being rewarded for my faith and patience.

I was given an amazing job that I am so happy to be working! I get to basically do what ever I want as long as I answer the phone, do the laundry, check people in for appointments and cash people out afterwards. Its an amazing gig and I'm making more than I have before! Only a dollar more but considering that I get chill out most of my shift, that dollar is amazing!! And a dollar goes a long way! It's a whole 50 dollar difference! Financially I am very satisfied! FINNALLY!!!

My friends are amazing! I have amazing support systems! My friends are super supportive and make me feel loved and confident in myself. They have been amazing! I've been getting signs that I will meet even more of my soul tribe when I move and I'm super excited and have full faith I will be attracting in even more amazing people.

My personal hobbies and exploits are going great too! I have a show this week in Washington, one later this month and one in July! I need to get on top submitting my acts around but I've been so focused on my goal of moving that I havent been putting enough attention into it but I'm very faithful that I'm gonna booked in busy this fall! I started doing aerial again too.

The only area of my life that I feels like theres some sort of block is my love life. I guess this goes for both my romantic and familial life.

I currently am more distant from my parents than I have been in the last few years. I don't want to work on my relationship with my parents. They suck. They do and always will. I done waiting on them to change. I have changed. I'm no longer longing for approval or accepting just any old treatment. They have to treat me the way I would like to be treated or leave me alone. I could forgive them one day but for right now, I just want to work on myself and different aspects of my life that i think will benefit me the most to pour into. My father doesnt even really want a relationship and my mother does. But BOTH of them just want to be loved, as they are without changing, without sacrifice, without consideration for others, without giving. When they do these things it's out of obligation and you can tell in their actions, their demeanor and the things they say. You can feel it in the energy. And I HATE feeling like a burden and they made me feel that way, WAY TOO MUCH growing up. Now whenever I need help I feel like I can't ask! I feel like I have to suffer alone. Big spiteful parts of myself dont want to ask! I want to prove to them that I don't need them and if they don't want to do for me, i will do for myself. I want to Become so successful and abundant that I can look at them like I will never need them again. I spent so long feeling like I needed others but still feeling like I'm struggling lone! I still have wounds around asking for help and being okay needing others because they basically raised me to feel like needing others and relying on others is something to look down upon. They made me feel this way even when I was a child so now as an adult I feel ashamed that I don't have it together! Now they are even more disdainful when I ask for help but also confused whenever I dont ask for help. They have the nerve to say stupid things like "We are here to help you", "We will do for you" and "We want to help you guys." But then complain up and down when we try to rely on them. I don't want to need them and I've felt this way my whole life. I wanted to be independent by now. I wanted them to be a thing of my past and big parts of me are antsy to get to a place that i don't need anyone anymore.

Maybe I was supposed to go through these things so that I built myself up to feel more comfortable asking others for help and outsourcing for resources but also so I know how to be self reliant. I feel like I need to fully sever the reliance I have on my parents in order to FULLY find myself being 100% independent. If I'm gonna have people I rely on they are gonna have to be 100% willing to help me with little to no push back. I need real allies, real support systems. My parents have only shown me what fake allies are. There are people who WANT to help. Who want to foster an environment for me to flourish in and I want to focus on attracting those people into my life.

Moving out actually taught me that my relationship with my parents is better when I dont rely on them and there is plenty of physical distance between us. I do feel sad that our relationships are not better, but I can't uncrumple paper. I cant' unbreak a vase, I can only glue the pieces back together and hope for the best.

I dont want my familial relationships to stop me from obtaining love. I want to be with someone who is really going to love me and treat me the way I should be treated by someone who loves me. I feel like i've worked so hard already to heal the wounds that those two selfish fuckers have left me with and I feel like all they do is trigger me and make it worse! Even as an adult I still feel unloved, disregarded and disrespected. I don't even want to put ANY effort towards them.

[drunkventing]

What's wrong with me?

I wish I was different. I wish I was the type of girl that guys fawn over and chase after. It always feels like I'm always the one who likes the other person more and it feels like it's WAY more. It's like I'm adoring and fixated, and the other person just thinks I'm cool. Even when they came to me first or started liking me first. The script always ends up flipping. When I'm talking to someone or "crushing" I end up thinking about them A LOT and all I want to do is be around them. I hold myself back so I don't come off too strong but Inside I want to be all over them. When I'm in a relationship I want to shower the other person in affection. I want to do service, gift giving AND words of affirmation. I wanna do anything and everything to show my partner I love them. I also happen to be a hopeless romantic who loves doing cute little things like writing love letters and leaving love notes. It seems like these sentiments nvr seem to be reciprocated. That people tend not to feel that way about me.

They never say I'm ugly or give any indication that it's my looks. My ex's have also all complimented me in the bedroom so don't think it's that. I don't have anything worse about me (trauma, mental illnesses, toxic trait, annoying habits) than my crazy friends who are in happy relationships, so what is it?

Maybe it's the way I'm thinking about things. Maybe it's ridiculous for me to want someone who has the same feelings I do. Maybe other people just don't feel that way about other people anymore. But that leads me back to my original statement of what's wrong with me that I'm not hardwired the same way? I think I may be a "simp." I hate that for me.

I'm currently obsessed with an amazing guy. Like, I like EEEeeVVvverRRyyYthing about him. Like, It's been 4 months of us talking and I haven't seen a red flag yet! I usually do by now. Even things about him I don't like aren't big things. They're things that aren't even that bothersome to me. Everything is on point. He has many (if not all the) traits I want in a man. It's only been 4 months and he has already managed to treat me better than a lot of other guys I've dated, including my most recent ex. And that's saying a lot about how he is with. He's so considerate and attentive and sweet. I love spending time with him. Everyone keeps telling me they like him for me and that we seem to hitting it off. I'm still in shock and waiting in suspense for SOMETHING to come up but nothing has.

This all started off as a date turned friendship turned into something casual but the more time goes on the more my feelings for him have grown. And i'M YET AGAIN pining after some guy that doesn't like me as much as I do him. I wish he wanted to be with me seriously but he doesn't want to. He's also gotten more distant. He doen't really text me anymore. When we first met we were getting together to do stuff once a week- once every two weeks. The last few times we spent time together were pretty far apart. He was more affectionate than usual during these times together. He has been getting more and more affectionate towards me as time has gone on so it wasn't weird or anything just more than before. But still I feel like he's gradually tryna distance himself from me? lately, I've tried to spend time with him but he doesn't feel up to it. I'm pretty sure this is gonna end up as one of those short term casual relationships, where we stop talking because of ghosting basically and then act all weird when we bump into each other places. I wanted to still be friends even if we didn't get together in the end, because we have so much in common and like a lot of the same things and make such great friends, but that was before I basically fell in love with him. I don't know if I could stomach seeing him with other people for a LOOOOOnnggggGGGah time. Maybe we could be friends one day in the future? Idk.

I wish I could get him outta my mind! I'm seriously love sick and I bet he only thinks of me occasionally. He's probably talking to other girls he likes more than me and I'm basically devoted to this man. Why am I like this? like him so much. I can't wait to tell him things. Like everything reminds me of him. He often drifts into my thoughts and I have to refocus myself on what I was doing or thinking about. I even dreamt of him last night. And don't get me started on the sexual flashbacks! I'll just be sitting minding my own business and I'll get an intense and graphic flashback that I can FEEL. I've gotten flash backs before but I've nvr felt THAT before. He has probably sensed that I like him more and now he pushing me away. I hate it here.

I wish I could stop being like this but I can't help myself. I tell myself I'm gonna be one of those cold women who don't give a fuck but always end up folding. I hate myself. Maybe I should just stop dating all together but a girls got needs. I'm dying over here.