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duckythedrangon · 5 years ago

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My Gender and how I understood it (warning it's really long)

Since no one that I know in real life follows my Tumblr, I wanted to post this here. Okay, to start this out ill just tell you my gender is kinda meh🤷.

So I’ve always respected and loved trans people and I was quite educated about trans people especially trans ftm people because 1, my friend had come out to me as trans ftm and 2, because the majority of trans people on youtube are ftm and YouTube was the easiest way to educate myself as a 10 year old kid. I didn’t know much about nonbinary people, I knew they existed and I knew what it meant, I just didn’t overly educate myself like I did when learning about ftm trans guys.

Lets talk about childhood, when I was pretty young, I hated dresses and skirts and anything pink and I was an extreme tomboy and I would go around saying “I want to be a boy” I don’t think that I realised it was an actual option because I’m pretty sure I didn’t actually wanted to be a boy. I am pretty sure all that was just because I wanted to be unique in a family of all girls, I had 6 sisters and a single mum. I think the first time I heard about trans people (which I actually learnt about really young because 1 of my sisters was really into educating us on queer stuff) I actually considered if I might be trans but I brushed it off straight away because I realised that I was just a tomboy and I didn’t actually want to be a boy, from then on I didn’t question my gender for ages. I wasn’t bothered by being called girl/she so I had no reason for questions about my gender to come into my head. Fun fact I remember when I was young I understood that it was unacceptable to touch other peoples boobs so that was something I was looking forward to getting when I was really young, because they looked so squishable. Even though that’s something that I don’t like having now.

Okay puberty stuff. The things about puberty that I didn’t like periods and boobs, I don’t really mind my hips and waist. Okay, periods, I hate the existence of my period to the point that I will ignore it for most of it. I will put a big overnight pad on and I refuse to change it for the entire week unless it starts to leak or something, gross I know, because if I change it, it will remind me that it exists, is that dysphoria, maybe to be honest idk. Okay boobs, when I started to develop a chest I didn’t think it was good enough so I overcompensated and wore padded sports bras abut I always hated it and felt fake so stopped and realised that I hated that it was even there, I didn’t like looking at it, I didn’t like anyone mentioning my chest at all. I am very uncomfortable with anything to do with my chest. Is that dysphoria, maybe.

The first time I heard of they/them pronouns i thought they were so cool and wanted to be able to claim them but I didn’t think that I had the right to since I didn’t even think about the possibility of me being nonbinary.

I started properly questioning my gender shortly after I had finally figured my sexuality and was feeling good about that. I heard of agender, the lack of gender or no gender I thought that sounded great and I realised it may apply to me. Id never really thought about my own gender and my brain thought that maybe because I never thought about gender that I didn’t have one, okay I realise that’s not really how it works but I still thought the word agender fit me so well. One day I decided to try to bind my chest to see how that would look, I tried with bandages(I know its very unsafe but its all I had access to) in my room at 3am I was amazed I was so happy and realised that I didn’t like my chest,(I took off the bandages after a few minutes because bandages are extremely unsafe to bind with) and I’m so lucky my older sister has ordered me a real binder from gc2b and its on its way and I’m so excited.

But then there was the roadblock I didn’t feel discomfort being called she/her/girl and feminine things (although I did hate the words women or lady). Although after I started questioning I did notice a lot more when someone would call me that. But I also wouldn’t care if I was mistaken for a boy, when I was younger and got my first short haircut, people would mistake me for a boy fairly often and I didn’t really care at all. So I don’t mind if you use she/he but I’m pretty sure I would prefer they/them although its never been used to describe me so idk.

Anyway I’m pretty sure I’m agender but I don’t have a big problem with being perceived as a girl. It would be a lot of work to socially transition and I don’t really feel like I care enough, for it to be worth it, a lot of other trans people care a lot more. I would probably prefer to be free to be agender and use they/them pronouns but its just easier to identify as a girl. (this was meant to be the conclusion but it just doesn’t feel right as I’m typing it)

That doesn’t feel like the right ending, this was meant to explain why I am agender but have decided to just identify as a girl for at least the time being before I start to hate that I’m a girl, but instead having it all written here it makes me realise why I should live as myself an agender person.

If you got to the end, give me advise please!

#agender #questioning #questioning gender #lgbtq #lgbt #lgbtqai #nonbinary

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