e-ski-mo - Tumblr blog

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It’s okay to live for the little things like a new season of your show, a new book in a series, the want to see a sunset again. It’s okay if you’re living out of spite. It’s okay if you’re living because your pet wouldn’t understand why you never came home. It’s okay if you’re living because someone needs you.

While it’s nice to want to live for you, to heal and whatever else, sometimes that’s not in reach. And that’s okay. Grasp whatever little reasons pull you. They’re valid. I’m just happy you’re living.

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You are capable of getting better

i wish this were true but BPD is a terminal disorder that is quite literally my identity

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“Just because you’re angry doesn’t mean you have the right to be cruel.”

— Unknown

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“You don’t ask people with knives in their stomachs what would make them happy; happiness is no longer the point. It’s all about survival; it’s all about whether you pull the knife out and bleed to death or keep it in.”

— Nick Hornby, How to Be Good

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EVERYTHING HURTS

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If you can think and doubt, you must exist.

- Rene Descartes

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Do y'all ever think about how we have come to pick up some of the craziest talents we possess? Like was it mere interest or was it so much of a passion where your day can't go on without it? As if every inch of your brain longs to do this thing all day long by taking up your every thought and your every decision takes this mind-blowing passion of yours into account? Or was it something to distract you from a certain reality or a phase that's gotten you stuck and hurt?

Now , think about it historically.

Are all the major achievers that we know today driven out of mere interest or they dealt with something that made them who they are?

IMO heartbreak is the greatest catalyst to self discovery.

In other words, maybe it's all of the above.

Yes, you need a keen interest in something and yes, you need it to keep you up at night, raise questions in your head like never before. But also, maybe you need to be hurt. Maybe you need that kind of power that puts you down only for you to rise up. It's probably less emphasized but maybe you are what you are at your lowest as to how you pick yourself up and do the things thought to be unachievable.

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“It’s both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply.”

— David Jones

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It's funny growing old, learning new things when you feel like you've finally come close to ending certain phases of your life. Although your experiences are your best teachers, watching people equally teaches you where and how to pick yourself up from your so-called failures which you'd find so petty looking back in a few years. Let's allow ourselves to make more mistakes , unlearn the wrong ways and enrich our brains with unseen challenges.

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Why am I always stuck in the same place?

It looks like I have moved on from where I was stuck for months together, but it's only few inch closer than where I was the last to where I want to be, which is miles away. It almost feels negligible at this point.

Each step takes so much effort. Each breath so heavy I could just stop breathing sometimes . It feels like a relief compared to the unavoidable and hefty sighs that I'm trying to fight each day.

Every minute of the day filled with so many thoughts, none of them heading towards something worthwhile. No matter how hard I try to do something with utmost dedication and interest. It just never pays. Nothing does. No matter how much I tell myself that all of it is for the best , I see things go so rough like why do I always have to learn it the hard way? Like why always? Am I so incompetent?

Meds and work are doing their part in keeping me sane but when I catch myself off guard zoning out from what I'm supposed to be doing, I'm back to the same mindset that I had months or even several years ago at times. About me wanting to cause some self hurt, pain and end it like I always did but only this time I'm too tired to act upon anything at all.

Sleeping isn't too hard anymore which is good but it's never enough how much ever I sleep. The desire to not wake up again makes me wonder if I've come any further than before at all. The dreams as bad as ever but I'm too tired to let it affect me because what can hurt a dead person anymore anyway?

The countless times I've sat down trying to ask myself if I can ever get any better than this is only to give myself another chance all over again just to prove myself wrong but I never seem to get any closer to what I want of myself.

I wish it hurt at least. I'm trying so hard to feel something but it's all just indifference and numbness. I wish it hurts a little so I can pick myself up at least. Sitting drenching in my own sweat but too tired to do anything about it.

Still waiting to feel something. It's strange for someone who feels so much and so deep to not feel anything at all.

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“When you complain you make yourself a victim. Leave the situation, change the situation or accept it. All else is madness.”

— Eckhart Tolle

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me at him always, especially when i’m in my zoomie mood

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You don't have to say anything. I just look at you and I know something is bothering you. I might even know exactly what a lot of times. But you still seem to surprise me at times. It's so adorable.

It's funny how much you know someone, their behaviour, the way they would react to a certain situation. At the same time, no matter how long it's been there's still something new you'd find about that person because we as humans are constantly changing, learning and adapting ourselves to new surroundings. So never give up on your partner because there's always something you still don't know about them.

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“Our generation thinks it’s cool not to care. It’s not. Effort is cool. Caring is cool. Staying loyal is cool. Try it out.”

— Post Malone

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Joy Part II

The tiles in and surrounding this pool were brown. It truly felt like a freshwater swamp.