eastcoastfallout

[eastcoastfallout]

An inside look in the mind of a temple now crumbled

It's very difficult to describe my exact emotions. Through the posts I'd previously made as my send-off to the world, they came back to me. We've been working to heal what once broke, and in a lot of aspects, it's been working a treat! Our communication is open, our boundaries are respected.

but there's more to it than that. See, along with the healing, there comes a lot of mistrust in one another. Mistrust that we will not fall back into old habits, mistrust that we won't become what caused us to fall apart in the first place, mistrust that this doesn't last.

I work really, really hard to try and keep things afloat. However, I'm a very, very tired individual, there's a reason my old handle on the internet was "AxelTheTired". I struggle to be conscious every moment of every day, some days are worse than others. But on the particularly bad days, it's incredibly noticeable. My text mannerisms grind to a halt, my overall ability to hold a conversation tanks. I live off caffeine and nicotine and THC to cope with this. The chemical soup of those three substances keep me functioning at a meaningful level. I've been trying to be the best I can be for them and for myself. And yet it often feels like despite the healing and work we've both put in, there's this dichotomy in HOW we've grown. More and more I wonder if we've truly grown in different directions and we're breaking ourselves trying to cling to what once was. Is this hindering our growth?

And then talk of an additional person. As a general rule adding people into the polycule is fine. But therein lies the question. Was I ACTUALLY what they needed? Or was I just familiar enough to them that it saved less time than healing on their own and finding someone new in which to build a stable loving bond with.

I often wonder what the shelf-life on this relationship is, even renewed. How long until the next fight? How long until we get so comfortable that the work and the healing we've done feels unnecessary and we fall right back into old habits. Maybe we don't. that would be nice. But maybe we do, and things end in heartache. I'm trying to not hold a pessimistic outlook on our future, because by all accounts I want the work we've done for one another to mean something in the end. But I also know that generally things don't work out how I hope.

Time will tell how this plays out, but for now, I'll keep on keeping on, and if we find a perfect balance for us, fantastic. But if not.... I'll find a way to cope. But I'm going to hold out hope that I never have to.

[eastcoastfallout]

you were the best sunset ive ever witnessed. i took you for granted and now you've left my horizon entirely.

[eastcoastfallout]

Genesis

I know now that I speak to an audience of none. So allow me to vent one last time My name isn't JC. It's Gabriel. I started going by JC when I made the move out to the midwest to live with my at the time best friend, and then later on my at the time partner. My best friend violated my trust, gave zero regards to traumas that they directly assaulted with their actions. This sequence of events pushed me to no longer pursue journalism. I very rapidly moved to Louisville, KY. A place I for a while was able to call home. I got a job within the first weekend there, and then immediately after fell ill with a sickness that almost took my life. Sometimes, I wish it had. As time progressed, and I got more settled in with my partner(s), I began to fall short of her standards. Little things, at first, but then exceptionally large, essential components of a relationship I, for some reason I'm still struggling to understand, could not meet like I once had. Maybe it was a sense of complacency. Maybe not. I won't go into how these failures on my end were met on her end. Because no matter how much the things she did to me hurt, my actions hurt her more. One day, after a particularly bad fight, I had gotten blackout drunk either in an attempt to end my life or to prevent myself from taking my life, these days I can't remember. It was shortly after that a decision had been made that I needed to return to Oregon. Take time to consider how best to approach things. I'm firm in my belief that I was never going to outright ghost, but I will acknowledge I needed to communicate more with her instead of just running from the issues at hand.

Shortly after I returned to Oregon, I had gotten drunk one last time, and during a particularly bad fight, I opted to end things outright. And now, she must deal with the pain of it all, I can't reach out anymore. I feel it would only hurt her more. My only, ONLY hope is that maybe, by some fucking miracle, she somehow finds these entries. However, even if she doesn't. It makes me comfortable to know that even though these words will be read by no one, that I don't end without this being known So yeah, here lies the grave of a fucking failure who hurt everyone who ever cared about him. Too in his own way to accept the love and support of people who wanted nothing but to be his. Too deep into bottles as a means to avoid having to accept accountability for his own actions. I'm sorry, D.S. You truly deserved better of me.

i'd give anything to hear your voice one last time, but. i digress.

i think im done.

[eastcoastfallout]

Introspection

I think about you daily. I hate the way we fell apart. I promised you forever and I couldn't live up to those words. We hurt each other, each slight against one another more violent than the last until eventually it became too much for either one of us to carry. But I still think of you. I long for your voice, I crave the feeling of being in your arms so much it drives me mad.

I hope that you and c* are okay... i'm sorry for the hurt that i caused. all i wanted was love but my actions rendered me entirely unworthy of yours. I go through those texts every fucking day. Each day, it takes every ounce of willpower I have not to reach out because I've done enough damage and I just want you to be able to heal. I know you may find this near impossible to believe..

but even now, after everything that's happened. i still love you. Maybe I was just caught up in your inferno, or maybe I blew apart something that was meant to be because of my sheer inability to be enough for you. I've been fighting thoughts and actions that would see to it that I don't see another sunrise since we fell apart. The guilt I feel is astronomical but I can't even imagine it compares to the pain I've put you in. I love you. And even if I never get to see your smile, hear your voice, watch you embrace that feeling of bliss at the sip of a good drink. I hope you find the happiness and love you deserve.

[eastcoastfallout]

Athazagoraphobia

The fear of forgetting is a fear that has been weighing incredibly heavy on my mind as of late. I spend hours upon hours dwelling on what life would look like if one day, those I care most about become complete strangers over time. Familiarity becomes unfamiliar and the shocking familiarity that unfamiliarity seems to have are overwhelming. I want to believe that I won't forget

but that would be a lie

As it stands right now, I have severe memory loss issues, severe enough that I should probably see a neurologist. I'm losing more and more important memories, important dates, important conversations. Everything significant that should be front and center in my mind not being there leaves me with the question;

"How long until it stops being about information, and I start to lose memories of people I once called my own" i don't want to forget

[eastcoastfallout]

Burnout / Overworked

These days I'm struggling a lot with being overworked. It's this constant uphill battle of needing more hours then shearing myself down to the point that my body physically can't handle them. It's leading to this perpetual state of burnout where no matter how much I work it's never enough, which demotivates me to work, which risks my financial well-being, which then motivates me to work, repeat ad infinitum.

I had hoped perhaps my music, or video editing, or hell, even writing these stories would be able to help pad out my wallet somewhat, but it doesn't seem to be the case. I suppose I'll have to keep working to make these things worth monetizing and giving to the world.

[eastcoastfallout]

Introduction

All good stories come from those willing to tell them. I don’t know, truthfully, if my story will be a good one. However, I’d be remised to not at least make an attempt, and if you’re here, reading this, it can only mean one thing; you’re at least interested in my story.

Introductions are in order, I suppose. My name is JC. I’m 19 years old, born in Eugene, OR. Eugene’s biggest claims to fame are that it hosted the 2022 World Athletics Events, which saw people from all over the world come into a city with a population of under 200,000 people, and that there was a short mention of it in Futurama, which still tickles me to this day. I’m currently preparing to go to school in Indiana at Ball State University to study Journalism!

In my free time, I produce music, write short stories, build computers and play video games! I also code, here and there, however, that’s a hobby I don’t touch on nearly as much as the others just because it genuinely frustrates me to no end.

Another thing you should know about me is that I have Depression, Anxiety, CPTSD as well as a number of other mental illnesses, I’m currently working on being seen and treated for those.

I don’t have much left to say here, other than that I look very forward to updating you all on my journey through this thing called life! I hope to receive feedback, have conversations, and make some very lovely friends through this silly little outlet!

Talk soon,

JC