edenxmf

[edenxmf]

When you see it, REBLOG IT.

Depression Hotline: 1-630-482-9696

Suicide Hotline: 1-800-784-8433

LifeLine: 1-800-273-8255

Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386

Sexuality Support: 1-800-246-7743

Eating Disorders Hotline: 1-847-831-3438

Rape and Sexual Assault: 1-800-656-4673

Grief Support: 1-650-321-5272

Runaway: 1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-4000

Exhale: After Abortion Hotline/Pro-Voice: 1-866-4394253

If you ever want to talk: My Tumblr ask is always open.

[edenxmf]

About two weeks ago I stopped taking my medicine, I stopped because I no longer can see the psychologist I had a month ago. I missed 3 appointments and so I got kicked out. I take Abilify 5mg, I have some left in the bottle. This last month I feel like everything is falling apart because I am an idiot who was never supposed to make it past 12. How am I supposed to have a life when I never knew what to do with it. I cannot be happy in a life like this. I was meant for simplicity, love, and happiness. But now I work 6 days a week, stay half the week at my mom's apartment and half at my lovers house. I am miserable. Too add too my decline in stability, my cat stays with my mom because my partner is a hoarder and we have no room. I haven't seen my cat in a week and feel like my parents. They abandoned me just like I'm doing to him, he used to see me all day now he sees me 4 days but I'm mostly gone working. I miss him and I feel terrible and awful. I love him so much, I have so many things to worry about and I don't know what to do. I feel stuck and like I'm going to die just like my dad. So miserable that I leave my children. I'm already halfway there.

[edenxmf]

I love meeting new people, I just have a bad habit of over-imagining interacting with them after. I run through scenarios and ideas, subconsciously really. Then when I see them again I feel like I'm weird, and have a harder time talking and keeping conversations. But if I see them regularly enough it stops and I don't really imagine scenarios because I'm spending time with them. So I start feeling more relaxed and comfortable with the person and not weird!

Does that make any sense?

[edenxmf]

Fit check for today! Finals day!

+ my new favorite perfume!

[edenxmf]

I was 17 when I first had sex. It was with my first serious boyfriend, we met in a behavioral health hospital. Both on an involuntary hold in the ward. I looked up at the man twice my size, hair long and unkept, he smiled and waved gently. I had immediately teared up and began shaking, a nurse quickly lead me to my room. After that I had apologized to him. I first found myself attracted to him because I became bored of the environment I was in. This was common if me in my younger years. I was only ever entertained for so long. He lasted a year and a half with me, longer than I should have let it go on.

It started with subtle touching in the hospital, exchanging contact information. Then when we both left (him a day before me) I opened my phone and considered never contacting him. Leaving him behind with the hospital. A few hours withy family and I got bored again, I decided to fish the contact information out of my bras lining and text him. We began flirting and testing the boundaries, and by the third night home he was my boyfriend.

I was very desperate to be seen sexually and wanted sexually at the beginning of our relationship. My ex before him introduced me to sexting. And we're not talking just pictures, full on practically roleplaying of him being dommed over text. We were 15 and he called me mommy. But besides the point, I said things I didn't really mean and overexaggerated what I thought I wanted so her want me more. At least that's how I thought it worked. If I wasn't wanted, I was nothing at all.

The first time I have him oral was behind a church after his Bible study that we frequented every Sunday evening. My mom would drive me 45 minutes every Sunday to see him two towns away. We were so afraid of getting caught, but we had made a plan. I had to do it that day. I enjoyed it very much, and often after became infatuated with the feeling. After a few months, I became bored of it.

I bombed him with love and sex appeal then 4 months into the relationship I began to starve him of it. He stayed for 13 more months. I even got new oral piercings so I had an excuse as to why I couldn't give him head or kiss him after he ate me out. I turned away his french kisses even after my piercings had somewhat healed, his breath and taste had began to disgust me.

Another layer to this story, was that he was a straight man and I am an AFAB non-binary person attracted to most people. He preferred me feminine presenting, and admitted he'd never date me if I had a penis. It was a preference but I was still pretty peeved because to me that proved he didn't want me enough. I began to pull away, isolate and purposefully avoid him. When he got a job I began to lie so I didn't have to talk to him most of the day. It was easy because we lived so far apart and he couldn't see me in person.

I had ended our relationship 2 times, the first time was on my way home from his house. We had been talking about our future and I broke up with him later that night over call. I sat with a friend on call after, crying my eyes put because I'd felt so bad. After that call, sat for an hour by myself. My sibling was spending time with mom. I locked myself into the bathroom and texted him, we called and got back together. 3 months later I finally broke up with him through call again after he'd called me unfaithful because he found out I sleep in the same beds as my friends when I sleep over. Well technically I told him I needed a day to collect my thoughts, then I broke up with him. I felt fine this time, no crying or guilt. I think it's because I took time to write everything down and tell him everything is been thinking. Fully honest for once in the relationship.

Something I discovered in that relationship was that I don't like talking, giving, or doing anything really during sex. I like receiving pleasure, and just that. I like being doted on and served like royalty. Unrequired to return the sexual favors. My new partner and I refer as it as me being a pillow princess, I still feel like I'm just a selfish lover. Sometimes I feel like I will never have enough. But I feel selfish for asking for anymore than what I already have.