eggirl98

[eggirl98]

#day 18

In this period of time i think i have learned not to feel guilty for living life. I went with my scout friend to do a trekking for celebrate easter. I was indecised untill the very end because I would have had an exam right after. It was the best decision to go. I gonna delay the exam because i am not ready, but i will never forget the feelings and the peace i gained from this esperience. It is stil hard to recognize and analyse the bad thoughts that assault my mind everyday, i am learning and i hope it will be easier in the future.

[eggirl98]

#day 17

I came back home to Italy today. The trip was long and tiring. The moment of saying goodbye always destroys me. Now I'm in my bed, with no distractions, I feel empty. I don't even breath normally, my body is so in pain for what I feel in my head.

I know it will be better in the next days. Now the only thing I have learnt it works for me is to live my pain, accept it and don't try to avoid it. It is in my lower back, than moves to my tummy and to my neck, but the worst part is that I have a lump in my throat that hurts so much and I can't control it.

Tomorrow is another day, it will get better.

[eggirl98]

What's it like having a Portuguese boyfriend?

He is a wonderfull person, i like hips colture so much and se have a lot in common. The best part for me is that i am able to visit portugal on another level, much more personal and deep. Thank you for your question 😉

[eggirl98]

#day 16

Tomorrow i gonna fly to my boyfriend to surprise him for his birthday. I paied the ticket with my money, I didn't ask anything to my parents. Obviously when i told to my mum she started complaining saying that i should have told her before and I should concentrate on the exam instead of losing my time with him.

I tried to talk so many times to my parents to explain my feelings and how is important for me, that distance relationships are a real thing, but for them is only bullshits. It is only a stupid thing I do to be in the spotlight and ruin their image in front of other people.

I am tired of living with people that are not able to hear what I am trying to explain to them and accept that something can be important for me even if is not for them.

I am looking forward to start living by myself and be independent from them. And that is this year, not later. This is my year, the year where I gonna start living without feeling afraid of disappointing my parents or whoever that is not me.

[eggirl98]

#day 15

I am proud of the fact that I didn’t drop the habit of walking by the river even after my boyfriend came here. I think I am learning to be constant without being obsessed by the idea of being perfect. If I lose one day or several days of walking is not a big deal. The important thing is that when i have time and feel to do it I go walk.

[eggirl98]

#day 14

Last week my boyfriend surprised me and came here to spend 10 days with me. We have a long distance relationship since 6 years, i am from Italy and he is from Madeira island in Portugal. I was so happy and relieved, when I am with him i feel so in peace. Now that I'm alone again I feel anxious and sad again. I gonna try to stick to my routine, go walk and be patience with myself.

The teacher of the last exam i need to do confirmed another day test for end of April. I booked a place. I am determined to do it this time.

I am afraid but i am moving on. Slowly, but i am moving.

[eggirl98]

# day 13

“…Trust your body, trust the earth, trust god or whatever gives you strength. You are not your thoughts.You are your breath, your heart, your love. 😘” . You can never know how many beautiful things are expecting you in the future, al ways remember “… Some people find their way at 21 and die at 24, but some others at 40 and die at 80”

Thanks to the words of @souloving and @crescentlunaa that helped me going on during these days.

[eggirl98]

# day 12

I met one of my two best friends yesterday night. I didn't explain to her what is happening yet but i told her i don't gonna graduate in March. She was curious but she understood that i need time. This morning we decided that we gonna have a girls night on the 20. I am scared af but i am determined to deal with the anxiety this situation is causing meme and open with them.

I am being consistent with my workouts and my walkings, I am happy for that, but I have that little voice in my head saying soon I gonna drop this, like i did in the past, when i gonna start studying again for university i gonna give up and fail. I try to analyze these thoughts rationally but I dont feel i manage to process them, they come back over and over in my head.

[eggirl98]

#day 11

Day by day is my new mantra. Last copule days were rought. I felt so many different emotions, I felt anxiety, confusion, frustration, euforia, terror. I don’t want to give up.

[eggirl98]

When you get this you have to answer with 5 things u like about yourself, publicly. then, send this ask to 10 of your favorite followers (non-negotiable, positivity is cool)

1. I am a creative person

2. I am openminded

3. I can empatize a lot with people

4. I am italian 🇮🇹 🤌🏻

5. I can cook the best ragù sauce 🍝

[eggirl98]

#day 10

Yesterday I went to a meeting with my scout friends. I was scared, I genuinely enjoyed their company but I was constantly afraid someone would ask me about university. No one did. I came home and I was exhausted. This morning I felt so empty, I was supposed to have another meeting with them but I found an excuse to stay at home in my bed. Scout was the only environment I felt completely myself and now I lost it. This thought hit me hard. I tryed to remember when and why I started to hide my feelings to my closest friends. Not even my two best friends knows that I feel like this and I am so afraid they gonna find out. I know is so irrational, I know they would be on my side, I can't ask for help though. I feel a failure, I feel it in every fiber of my body. I want to talk with my friends, I am not ready to do it now, but I am determined to work on it taking the right time. I don't want to avoid the feelings I am going through like I used to. I want to accept that recovery is not a straight path.

[eggirl98]

#day 9

Searcing for peace by the river. I wish to be like water. I wish to let anxiety flow away from me. Breath in, breath out.

[eggirl98]

#day 8

I had a huge argument with my boyfriend. I am so afraid to loose him because of my depression. I know that it is not easy to keep on sustain me in these conditions, I am so afraid he will finish his patience one of these days.

[eggirl98]

Art therapy

[eggirl98]

#day 7

Another walk at the river. Nature can be so beautiful and peacefull, i wish to store the emotions i feel when i walk inside my head and my body.

[eggirl98]

#day 6

I have started to esercize again. I go walk by the river every day, even for few time. I hope this time i gonna be consistent and fully recover. I want to be stronger, both physically and mentally.

I feel this could be the first step, but i dont feel ready to open my university mail account and fix that aspect of my life yet.

[eggirl98]

Trying to recover day by day